1 00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:04,238 OLDER TED: Kids, everyone has one or two moments 2 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:05,439 when they make a huge, crazy decision 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,175 that changes their lives forever. 4 00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,277 This is the story of mine. 5 00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,312 It all started with a visit from my mom 6 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,615 and her longtime boyfriend, Clint, who was always saying stuff like... 7 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:19,920 Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman. 8 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,622 Please don't. 9 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:26,294 As a painter/songwriter/ volunteer fear fighter, 10 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:31,532 I find her incredibly sexual. 11 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:34,468 But you have your own sexual memories with your mom, don't you? 12 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,469 Please don't. 13 00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:37,871 Exiting her womb. Receiving her milk. 14 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,607 You get me? 15 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:40,741 (CHUCKLES) Good. 16 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,080 I cannot believe I am with that man. 17 00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,515 Mom, Mom, it's okay. 18 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,817 You don't have to settle. There are plenty of guys... 19 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:53,721 He's so cool. And he picked me. 20 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:54,788 (SCREAMING EXCITEDLY) 21 00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,793 Well, I'm glad you're both so happy. 22 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,930 Well, good. Because we do have an announcement. 23 00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:05,065 (CHUCKLING) Son. 24 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,349 OLDER TED: Yes, my mom was lapping me. 25 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:22,950 Getting married for a second time, 26 00:01:22,983 --> 00:01:24,852 before I was even married once. 27 00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:28,656 I was so happy for them, so freaking happy. 28 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,658 Still, weddings can be magical. 29 00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:34,061 For all I knew, I'd end up sharing a dance with my own future wife there. 30 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:37,097 And if you don't boil those jam jars, 31 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,900 it's just a welcome mat for bacteria. 32 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:40,701 OLDER TED: That wasn't her. 33 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:44,238 (GASPS) Oh, congratulations. 34 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,174 We are so happy for you. 35 00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:48,542 I feel like I'm 19 again. 36 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:51,512 It's like the last 35 years of my life never happened. 37 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:55,583 So wonderful to hear, Mom. 38 00:01:55,616 --> 00:02:00,221 Son, to show that your mom and I will always be there for you, 39 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:04,758 I want you to have this beautiful picture, that I painted. 40 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,194 (ALL GASPING) 41 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,095 OLDER TED: Kids, there was no guitar. 42 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,330 Excuse me, Ted. 43 00:02:10,831 --> 00:02:11,732 Best... Wedding... 44 00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,334 Ever. 45 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,739 Hello, everyone. Mahalo for being here with us. 46 00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,410 My entire life, 47 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:25,346 well, this life, 48 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,615 I've waited for a muse like Virginia. 49 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,218 Baby, 50 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:32,886 this is your song. 51 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,589 (PLAYING FOLK SONG) 52 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:41,161 * When I squeeze her trembling bosom 53 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,330 Oh, God. 54 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:46,334 * The blood pumps to my loins 55 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,337 * When I penetrate her... 56 00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:50,771 OLDER TED: Kids, I swear to God, 57 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,006 I blacked out for the next 12 minutes. 58 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,709 So I have no idea how the song got to this ending. 59 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:59,680 * And Mahatma Gandhi And the pancakes 60 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:01,349 Everyone. * And the dragon 61 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,551 ALL: * And the dragon 62 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:08,956 * And you, Virginia 63 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,827 Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did? 64 00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:17,365 CLINT: * ...and true 65 00:03:17,398 --> 00:03:18,966 Are you crying? 66 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,135 I know it's stupid, but... 67 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:23,571 CLINT: Everyone. * And the dragon 68 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,339 * And the dragon 69 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:26,440 CLINT: * And you... 70 00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,309 I'm happy, you know. 71 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:33,146 Not as happy as I am, Robin. 72 00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:36,517 Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did? 73 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:40,120 And then, I told you guys what Robin just did, 74 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,956 but you were there for that. I got to tell the rest of the wedding. 75 00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:46,159 Aunt Meredith. 76 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,128 OLDER TED: Kids, I can't overstate 77 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:50,598 how horrible it is to be the single guy 78 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,400 at your own mother's second wedding. 79 00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,668 So, Ted, when's your wedding? 80 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,570 So, Ted, when's your wedding? 81 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:58,439 When's your wedding? When's your wedding? 82 00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,740 When's your wedding? 83 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:02,443 Robin cried at Clint's song. 84 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:03,944 Oh, I told you already. 85 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:05,346 Ted's hot sister Heather. 86 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,681 I have to leave. 87 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:09,817 Wait, Ted, what about your toast? 88 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,251 Make up some emergency or something. 89 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:12,986 I just... I can't handle this. 90 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,389 Ted, Ted, where you going? It's your mother's wedding. 91 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,792 Uncle Larry, my hand to God, Niagara Falls. 92 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,329 (LAUGHING) 93 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:24,064 OLDER TED: And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours. 94 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:28,168 Seriously, is Ted okay? I mean, I know it was a rough weekend, 95 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,703 but this radio silence is weird. 96 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,005 I know. His mom's called like five times 97 00:04:32,039 --> 00:04:33,441 asking where he disappeared to. 98 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:35,676 Sorry, Robin, they're all out of pretzels. 99 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:38,746 And I know how emotional you get... 100 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:39,647 (SIGHS) 101 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,149 (SHUSHING) 102 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:44,184 Let it go. Let it go. 103 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,521 Okay. Okay. I cried at Clint's song. 104 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:49,122 She cried at Clint's song. 105 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,491 TED: Hi, guys. 106 00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:52,626 Ted, where have you been? Are you okay? 107 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,228 Oh, I'm better than okay. I am on top of the world. 108 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,530 Come on. We're going for a ride. 109 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,969 Hey, buddy, do you want to, maybe, let somebody 110 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,472 who isn't having some sort of manic episode drive for a while? 111 00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:07,140 Yeah. And where the hell are we going? 112 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:10,344 First, let me tell you what happened the night of the wedding. 113 00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:12,079 TED: Watching my mom get married, 114 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:14,882 I realized how far behind I was in my own life. 115 00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:16,484 I just had to get out of there. 116 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,352 So I went back to my hotel room, 117 00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,521 and got onto this Web site I sometimes visit when I can't sleep. 118 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,089 ALL: No, no, no, no. 119 00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:25,158 We do not want to know what you and the Internet do 120 00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,259 when you're lonely. 121 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,228 I didn't. I... 122 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:32,232 That's not the part of the night I was talking about. 123 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,735 TED: I went to my favorite real estate auction site. 124 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:37,938 Come on, we've all got one. Scrolled through a few properties and... 125 00:05:39,407 --> 00:05:43,411 Guys, I just bought my dream house. 126 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,445 (RAT SQUEAKING) 127 00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,413 (ALL SCREAMING) 128 00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,218 What do you mean you bought this house? 129 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,053 I mean, I made a bid online, 130 00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,988 I won the auction the next day, and I got approval. 131 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,425 I just finalized the paperwork. 132 00:05:57,458 --> 00:06:00,027 And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, 133 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,396 or did she haggle over the closing costs? 134 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,398 Don't even joke about that, man. 135 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,199 So, I'm thinking this room will be the study. 136 00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:07,735 You know, a place just for Dad. 137 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:08,969 I mean, the kids are welcome in here, 138 00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,904 if they're reading a book, but no toys. 139 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,840 It's not a question of withholding love. 140 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:14,374 It's a question of drawing boundaries. 141 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,476 Whoa. 142 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:17,478 Ted, this is insane. 143 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:21,314 This is gonna take years, and a small fortune to make livable. 144 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,617 I'm an architect. I'll find a way. 145 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,719 And if I start right now, it'll be done by the time 146 00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:27,488 the old wifey and I are ready to move in. 147 00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:34,027 Is she in the room with us right now, Ted? 148 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,730 Okay, okay. I know. I haven't found Mrs. Mosby yet. 149 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:38,532 But I will, knock on wood. 150 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:39,600 (CRUMBLING) (RAT SQUEAKING) 151 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:40,934 Careful, buddy. 152 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:42,603 Okay. Ted. 153 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:46,039 You can't just skip ahead to where you think your life should be. 154 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,108 It doesn't work that way. Yeah, I got to agree. 155 00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,110 This may be the stupidest thing you've ever done. 156 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,045 Stupidest thing any of us have ever done. 157 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,682 Okay, all right. Let's lay off Ted. Thank you. 158 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,383 All right. We've all done some stupid things in our lives. 159 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,185 For example, I remember a time 160 00:06:58,218 --> 00:07:00,554 when I dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet, 161 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:03,423 and I tried to dry them off in the microwave. 162 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,493 You must've been drunk off your ass. 163 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,127 No. Too stupid to be an adult. 164 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,696 He was obviously a kid when that happened. 165 00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,564 A kid? How does a kid even get... 166 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:11,732 BARNEY: Who puts a bottle rocket in a microwave? 167 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,267 Oh, my God. Guys, great new game. 168 00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,504 "Drunk or Kid?" Which one was I? 169 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,370 Lock in your guesses. 170 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:18,672 Drunk. Kid. 171 00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:19,907 Drumroll, please. 172 00:07:24,344 --> 00:07:26,614 MARSHALL: I was... 173 00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:28,348 Drunk. 174 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,050 (DINGING) 175 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,384 Yeah. Hey. 176 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:33,821 You know, I'm glad Robin got it right. 177 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:37,691 (WHISPERING) 'Cause she's very sensitive and fragile. 178 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:42,362 I'm referencing the time she cried at Clint's song. 179 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,364 And even though I'm whispering, 180 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:46,066 I actually hope she hears me. 181 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,768 It wasn't me. 182 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,069 What? 183 00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,438 I'm not the one who cried at Clint's song. 184 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:52,740 (ALL GASPING) 185 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:55,576 CLINT: * ...and true 186 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,378 Are you crying? 187 00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,980 I know it's stupid, but... 188 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,481 CLINT: Everyone. * And the dragon 189 00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,851 * And the dragon 190 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,186 They're just so happy, you know. 191 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:09,056 Not as happy as I am. 192 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,458 I will give you $500 if this just happened to you instead of me. 193 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:13,627 500 bucks? Deal. 194 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:15,395 Thank you, Robin. 195 00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:18,198 You just saved me unspeakable public humiliation and shame. 196 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,700 Hmm. 197 00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:23,003 Guys, guys. Guess what Robin just did? 198 00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:24,271 (ALL LAUGHING) 199 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,338 Wait, you guys are... 200 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,473 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 201 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:28,141 Hi, I'm here for the inspection. 202 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,177 Oh! Great. I was worried you weren't coming. 203 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,979 Well, I was actually here a few minutes ago, 204 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,280 but I guess the doorbell doesn't work. Hmm. 205 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,782 Oh! Hey, 206 00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:38,051 doorbell does not work. 207 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:44,324 Wait, wait, you're just getting this place inspected now? 208 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,192 Well, yeah. Ted... 209 00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:46,694 (ALL CLAMORING) 210 00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,962 All right. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. 211 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,931 All right. Let's all remember that 212 00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:53,033 we've all done some stupid things in our lives, okay? 213 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:55,969 For example, I once tried to ride my bike down an extension ladder 214 00:08:56,003 --> 00:08:57,605 from the roof of a two-story house. 215 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,675 The only looming question is, 216 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:02,910 was I drunk or a kid? 217 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,011 (GASPS) 218 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,378 Drunk. Kid. 219 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:06,647 Drumroll, please. 220 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,084 MARSHALL: I was... 221 00:09:11,118 --> 00:09:13,020 JUDY: (SCREAMING) Marshall's dead. 222 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,623 Marshall's dead. Marshall. MARSHALL: A kid. 223 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,124 (DINGING) 224 00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,158 (EXCLAIMING) 225 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,293 Moms, right? 226 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:23,496 Just always making a big deal out of nothing. 227 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,265 Came out of that coma in under a week. 228 00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:29,336 Hey, let's check out the porch, huh? Come on. 229 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,005 I'm gonna put a grill out here, every Sunday, right here. 230 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:33,206 It's gonna be a total sausage fest. 231 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,407 Hmm. 232 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:36,610 Sausage party? Burgers. 233 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:37,845 Right, I'll do... We'll do burgers. 234 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:40,347 Ted, stop it. You can't keep this house. 235 00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:41,782 It's a huge mistake. 236 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:44,384 Lily, listen to me. I had a plan, okay? 237 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,053 Wife, house, kids. 238 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:48,689 As it turns out, the universe is being kind of a wad 239 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,390 about the whole wife and kids part. 240 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:54,461 So what's the one thing I can control? The house. I bought it. 241 00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,796 It's not a huge mistake. 242 00:09:55,829 --> 00:10:00,367 Exactly. Now, me driving my brother's car the wrong way down I-94, 243 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,069 that was a huge mistake. 244 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,537 Drunk. Kid. 245 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:05,673 I was... 246 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,308 (SCREAMING) 247 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,376 MARSHALL: A kid. 248 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:10,443 (DINGING) 249 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,679 (GRUNTING) 250 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,317 Wow, Barney, what, did you cry on that guy or something? 251 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,053 Uh... You got leaky pipes. 252 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,890 But the bright side, the pond in your basement is drowning 253 00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,958 some of the larger, slower rats. 254 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,961 The rest of them, well, they're headed this way. 255 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:34,034 See, you should've waited to find out the problems with this house. 256 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,003 You can always find problems with any decision. 257 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,771 But you can't let that stop you. 258 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,707 Freshman year, Marshall knew right away 259 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,474 he wanted to spend his life with you. 260 00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,877 What if someone had been there to second-guess that decision? 261 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,646 Bye. 262 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,018 I know we've only been on two dates, 263 00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:54,221 but, damn it, Lily Aldrin, I'm... I'm gonna marry you. 264 00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:55,288 Not so fast. 265 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,962 We got some structural issues here. 266 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:05,532 These hips are not Eriksen-baby compliant. 267 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:09,036 And this thing right here does not have a proper filter. 268 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,705 That's a maintenance issue that's never gonna go away. 269 00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:15,776 And I know you think that you like this gothic exterior now, 270 00:11:15,809 --> 00:11:17,911 but deep down, didn't you always 271 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,747 picture yourself in something Spanish? 272 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,551 I recommend you look into the rental option. 273 00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,519 But Marshall took that leap of faith, 274 00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,055 and it's the best thing that ever happened to you both. 275 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,392 It was Robin. 276 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:37,230 (GASPING) "What?" Yes! It was Robin who cried at Clint's song. 277 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,299 "But she said..." I know what she said. 278 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:42,402 But here's what she didn't want you to know. 279 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:47,607 Listen, Barney, I can't stand all these jokes about me crying. 280 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,410 If I pretend to reveal that you were the one who cried, will you go along with it? 281 00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,113 Sure. 282 00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,316 (SIGHING) I made a mistake letting you go, didn't I? 283 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,753 Your penis is enormous. 284 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:00,854 (ALL GRUNTING) 285 00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,255 Dude, you almost had us. 286 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,723 You always take it one too far. 287 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,193 Damn it. 288 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,228 All right, good news. I think we'll be out of here early. 289 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,729 Really? Yep. 290 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:12,065 I finished downstairs and the outside. 291 00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:14,567 Now, I could keep looking and see what else I can find, 292 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:18,605 besides the black mold, the damaged retaining wall, the frayed electrical wires, 293 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,240 the lead paint, the water damage, 294 00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:21,875 the fire damage, the sun damage, 295 00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:23,911 the broken furnace, the rotted floorboards... 296 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,013 Hey, look at that, no termites. Ooh. 297 00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:28,181 The cracked chimney, the bats, the rats, the spiders, 298 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:31,251 the raccoons, the hobo, the detached gutter, 299 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:34,421 the outdated fuse box and the paint job in the kitchen, which is fine, 300 00:12:34,454 --> 00:12:36,957 but the trim really clashes with the countertops. 301 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,792 Or I could just recommend 302 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:42,162 that you do not buy this godforsaken Guantanamo Bay of a house, 303 00:12:42,195 --> 00:12:44,097 and suggest that we all get our asses out of here 304 00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:46,499 before a medium-sized wind blows the whole sumbitch down. 305 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:50,904 What if... (CLEARING THROAT) 306 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:53,273 What if I already bought the sumbitch? 307 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:55,242 (STAMMERS) 308 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:58,678 Well, I will check out the upstairs. 309 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,380 (LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY) 310 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:08,621 Did he say he found a hobo? 311 00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:10,858 Okay, yes. There are problems. 312 00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:14,394 But I see this house for what I know it can be. 313 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,830 I see a swing on that tree outside. 314 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,900 I see a wreath on the front door at Christmas, 315 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,935 I see a grill out on that patio, 316 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:25,205 where I'll be barbecuing every weekend. 317 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:28,308 I see a life that I know I can have here. 318 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:30,410 (CREAKING) 319 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:33,246 INSPECTOR: Mama. 320 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,250 I see a lawsuit. 321 00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,419 INSPECTOR: (GRUNTING) Found termites. 322 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:47,394 LILY: Bye. 323 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:50,730 Hey, well, the good news is, the inspector killed some roaches on impact. 324 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,665 LILY: Hold on. 325 00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:56,036 Giant hole in second floor. 326 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,905 Just want to make sure the report is thorough. 327 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,943 (CLICKING TONGUE) Oh, you were right. 328 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:06,213 This was a huge mistake. It's just... 329 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:09,049 Everyone's moving on but me. You guys got a place years ago. 330 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:11,684 Robin's getting serious with Don. 331 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:13,386 Barney, maybe, that's a new tie? 332 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,922 Thank you. Jeez. 333 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:18,158 Now, my mom's remarried. 334 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,928 I'm exactly where I was five years ago. 335 00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,196 I'm sick of it. I'm... 336 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:25,498 I'm ready for the life that fits into this house. 337 00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:30,070 That's all right, buddy. 338 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,940 Sometimes, people make the wrong decisions in life. 339 00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,375 Like your mother. 340 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,678 What do you mean? 341 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:43,550 Ted, as you know, I've always been very, very fond of your mother. 342 00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,452 Please don't. 343 00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:50,357 In fact, Virginia and I shared a special moment back in 2006 B.C. 344 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:53,326 Before Clint. 345 00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,595 What the hell are you talking about? 346 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,265 I wanted to be your dad. 347 00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,799 What does that even mean? 348 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,368 Don't you talk back to me, young man. 349 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,304 That's why I cried at Clint's song. 350 00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:06,806 Because that bastard took her away from me. 351 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:10,143 And now, all I'm left with 352 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:13,413 is the memory of dropping her off at the airport. 353 00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:14,914 (BOTH LAUGHING) 354 00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:17,084 And that's how you got the brooch? 355 00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,019 Unbelievable. 356 00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:21,688 (NIGHT MOVES PLAYING ON RADIO) 357 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:23,823 * I was a little too tall Could've used a few pounds 358 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:25,625 So, here we are. 359 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:29,462 Here we are. 360 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,231 * She was a black-haired beauty with big dark eyes 361 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,433 We made good time. Not a lot of traffic. 362 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:34,367 (WHISPERS) Stupid. 363 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,839 Oh, I love this song. 364 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,009 Do you? I can... 365 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:45,412 * Way up firm and high 366 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:48,448 * Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy 367 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,951 Listen, Ted's mom. 368 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:56,556 I should really not... I... 369 00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:57,724 (MRS. MOSBY SHUSHING) 370 00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:04,597 * Working on our night moves 371 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:08,401 * Trying to make some front page drive-in news 372 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:12,572 * Working on our night moves * 373 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,907 Your penis is enormous. 374 00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,176 (ALL GROANING) 375 00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:18,178 Again. Always one too far. 376 00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:19,979 Okay, all right, fine. That last part I made up. 377 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,881 But the rest of it, I swear, was true. 378 00:16:21,914 --> 00:16:23,850 Come on, dude, your mom is a cougar. 379 00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:26,319 Wait, I thought you said a cougar can't be over 50. 380 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,255 Okay, she's a Mellencamp. 381 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,191 Guys, I am screwed. 382 00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:33,293 I mean, the best I can do is level this place, 383 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,795 and sell the property for a huge loss. 384 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:39,866 Look, Ted, usually in life, when you make a stupid decision, 385 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:41,934 you just have to live with it. 386 00:16:41,968 --> 00:16:46,139 But how often do you get the chance to pick up a sledgehammer 387 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,341 and bash the living hell out of it? 388 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,350 (SIGHING) 389 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,155 This is stupid. 390 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:03,856 Your mom and I got to second base. 391 00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,158 (GRUNTING LOUDLY) 392 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:07,094 (OUR HOUSE PLAYING) 393 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:09,429 * I light the fire 394 00:17:09,462 --> 00:17:12,632 * You place the flowers 395 00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:17,504 * In the vase that you bought today 396 00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:26,079 * Staring at the fire for hours and hours 397 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,315 * While I listen to you 398 00:17:28,348 --> 00:17:30,850 Thanks, Lily. That felt fantastic. 399 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,253 Aw! To Ted Mosby. 400 00:17:33,286 --> 00:17:37,857 Homeowner, friend, and if he can rent it out, slumlord. 401 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,259 Yeah. Cheers. 402 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:44,063 There's... 403 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,433 There's one last thing I got to do. 404 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:49,536 OLDER TED: And my friends didn't see me for the next 72 hours. 405 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:51,671 He was our ride. 406 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,147 Hi. 407 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:03,082 Ted, what are you doing here? 408 00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,285 I never got to give you guys your toast. 409 00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:07,019 I was selfish, and I freaked out, 410 00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:08,188 and I'm so sorry. 411 00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,157 So here it is. 412 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,326 (CLEARING THROAT) 413 00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,328 How about a hand for the DJ? Gesture to D... 414 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:17,730 I'll skip down. 415 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,534 Mom, I love you. 416 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:24,537 And I've never seen you as happy as you are with Clint. 417 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,573 And, Clint, welcome to the family. 418 00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,178 What you two have is what I one day hope to find. 419 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,782 But until then, cheers to you both. 420 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:36,849 I love you guys. 421 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,186 Ted... 422 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:44,191 I am so 423 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,326 baked right now. 424 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,698 I'm only 60% sure you're actually standing in front of me. 425 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,333 But if you are, 426 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,836 I love you. 427 00:18:56,869 --> 00:18:59,239 And you are the best son a mother could ever have. 428 00:19:05,245 --> 00:19:06,646 (MRS. MOSBY SIGHING) 429 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,918 (COUGHING) 430 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:12,985 (MRS. MOSBY GIGGLING) 431 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,421 OLDER TED: There was no logical reason 432 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:16,456 why my mother should be with a guy like that. 433 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,625 And yet, as you kids know, 434 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,928 being with your Grandpa Clint was the best decision your grandma ever made. 435 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:30,237 Sometimes, our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all. 436 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,381 Hey. Hey, buddy. 437 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,182 How'd you know I was gonna be up here today? 438 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,651 Robin told me. 439 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:49,121 Happy house-warming. 440 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:52,992 But I told you last time I saw you, I'm selling the place. 441 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:53,893 I know what you said. 442 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:58,698 I also know my best friend, Ted Mosby. 443 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:03,970 Look, all the times over the years when I've said to you, 444 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,406 "Slow down, don't rush into things with this girl," 445 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,940 you haven't listened to me a single damn time. 446 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,945 Your heart is both drunk and a kid. 447 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,420 Thanks for sticking up for me, man. 448 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:21,954 That's what I do. 449 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,827 Can I... Can I show you some of the ideas I have? 450 00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:30,330 Yeah. 451 00:20:30,363 --> 00:20:32,499 OLDER TED: And kids, Marshall was right. 452 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,267 I didn't give up on my dream house. 453 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,669 Because that's the thing about stupid decisions. 454 00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:39,672 We all make them. But time is funny. 455 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,842 (OUR HOUSE PLAYING) 456 00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:45,312 And sometimes a little magical. 457 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:50,016 It can take a stupid decision 458 00:20:50,049 --> 00:20:52,719 and turn it into something else entirely. 459 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,323 Because, kids, as you know, 460 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:58,958 that house 461 00:21:01,127 --> 00:21:02,629 is this house.