1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,372 OLDER TED: Kids, you may be wondering how many of these stories 2 00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,306 I'm telling you are true. 3 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,041 It's a fair question. 4 00:00:07,075 --> 00:00:12,480 After all, there's a fine line between a good story and a bald-faced lie. 5 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:15,816 I never met anyone who could work that line better than your Uncle Barney. 6 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,385 Heck, he could jump rope with it. 7 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,053 I love to travel myself. 8 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,288 Really? Hmm. 9 00:00:20,321 --> 00:00:21,689 Where's the best place you've visited? 10 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,724 Hawaii's nice. 11 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,594 A buddy of mine lives in Seattle, that's a good spot. 12 00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:29,763 But the best place, I'd have to say the moon. 13 00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,300 Hi, Neil Armstrong. 14 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:36,370 No! You did not convince a girl you were the first man to walk on the moon! 15 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:38,539 That happened seven years before you were born. 16 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,475 Ted, baby doll, minor hurdle. 17 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:45,146 Oh, yeah, our spaceship passed through a wormhole 18 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:47,581 or some gamma rays or something. 19 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:50,351 I started aging backwards, blah, blah, blah. 20 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,853 So, you work in a yogurt shop, that must be wild. 21 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,788 (ALL GROANING) 22 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:58,492 Although, I did actually work in a yogurt store in high school. 23 00:00:58,526 --> 00:01:02,430 And it was indeed wild. 24 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:06,634 Anywho, 20 minutes later, the eagle landed. 25 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,237 We knocked space boots. 26 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,140 Houston, we have a moaner. 27 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:16,244 Other space related double entendres. 28 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:17,711 Why do you feel the need to lie all the time? 29 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,113 I'm not lying! 30 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,581 Guys, we made sweet love. 31 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:21,415 I got pictures. 32 00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:23,151 No. 33 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,853 (SIGHING) 34 00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,688 I hate my job. 35 00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,622 What are you talking about? 36 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:29,790 I thought you just interviewed the mayor. 37 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,759 Mayor McWoof. 38 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,727 He wears a dog costume, and teaches kids not to litter. 39 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,796 At least he's supposed to. 40 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,532 I don't want to talk about Mayor McWoof. 41 00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:42,770 I want to talk about these amazing insoles from Bon Appe-Feet! 42 00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,705 Just look how shock absorbent they are! 43 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,340 A prop! The table's a prop! 44 00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,643 (SIGHING) We'll be right back. 45 00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:53,447 We'll be right back. 46 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:56,550 Oh! Sorry, Robin. Got bored. 47 00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:00,221 Yeah, I don't blame you. 48 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:05,259 Man, just one decent interview would be so nice for a change. 49 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,794 Fine. I'll look at my schedule, 50 00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,296 see when I'm available. 51 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,930 But I want a list of questions ahead of time, 52 00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,333 and my personal life is off limits. 53 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,268 Ted, you caught seven peanuts in a row. 54 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,604 It's impressive but it's not newsworthy. 55 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,339 You caught seven in a row? 56 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,241 Seven in a row. Whoa! 57 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,642 But that's not what I'm talking about. 58 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:24,512 No, I'm talking about how I was selected to 59 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,581 build a scale model of the Empire State Building, 60 00:02:27,615 --> 00:02:31,385 for the largest re-creation of the New York skyline in the world. 61 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:33,454 Is that the thing you were playing with the other night? 62 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,724 I wasn't playing. I was working. 63 00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:41,329 "It's you." "It's me." "I saw you in the street." 64 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,663 "Are you Annie?" 65 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,498 "Yes." 66 00:02:44,532 --> 00:02:46,934 Ted? 67 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:51,639 Are you acting out the last scene of Sleepless in Seattle with little dolls? 68 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,274 How long have you been out here? 69 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,875 Ten seconds. Yeah. Just the last scene. 70 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:59,780 Oh, Ted. Again? 71 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,916 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Ooh! That's the pizza. Baby, do you have any cash? 72 00:03:02,950 --> 00:03:04,718 Oh! 73 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,420 You know, I don't... I actually... 74 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,356 I don't think that I should have to pay, 75 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,360 'cause I'm not a fan of pizza. 76 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:13,394 (LILY GASPING) 77 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,595 What? 78 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:17,498 Marshall, we've driven halfway 79 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,766 across the country for a piece of pizza, literally, hundreds of times. 80 00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:21,669 I once caught you eating pizza in the shower. 81 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,505 Marshall, there's a cartoon of you on our coupons. 82 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:26,807 I'm not saying Marshall's a guy who likes pizza, 83 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,676 but last time he went in for a physical, doctor says, 84 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,611 "Marshall, you got to stop eating pizza." Marshall says, "Why?" 85 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,012 Doc says, "So I can examine you." 86 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,348 But seriously, we kid because we love. 87 00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:37,685 All right, look, the reason that I don't have any money on me 88 00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:38,819 is because 89 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,022 I got mugged. 90 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,491 You what? 91 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,429 Can somebody please pay Arthur, all right? I'm starving. 92 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,730 How's your dad, by the way? Better. 93 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,764 Good. 94 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:05,946 Oh, my God! You got mugged? 95 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,981 Who mugged you? 96 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,817 Was he wearing a black skull-knit cap and a five o'clock shadow? 97 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,852 Did he say, "Stick them up"? Yes, Barney, 98 00:04:11,885 --> 00:04:15,989 because I got mugged in 1947, at the corner of Abbott and Costello. 99 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,626 No. I was cutting through Central Park on my way home from work. 100 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:23,297 Watch it. Don't get any closer. 101 00:04:23,331 --> 00:04:25,466 It's cool. It's cool. 102 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:31,472 It was completely terrifying. 103 00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:34,908 "It was completely terrifying." 104 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,910 What are you doing? I'm rehearsing. 105 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:39,713 I'm gonna pretend this happened to me later to try and get some sympathy sex. 106 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:41,649 Barney, that won't work. 107 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,050 Will it? Big time. 108 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,217 I'll allow it. 109 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:48,556 I can't believe someone pointed a gun at my Marshmallow! 110 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:52,025 I'm shaking! I don't think I'm gonna be able to sleep tonight. 111 00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:53,727 Aw! Here, sweetie. I have something that will help you sleep. 112 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:55,763 (ALL GASPING) 113 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,598 Just stick this under your pillow. 114 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,333 You'll sleep like a freaking baby. 115 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:00,734 Robin, put that away! 116 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:01,969 It's not gonna hurt anyone. 117 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,105 The safety's on. (GUN CLICKS) 118 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,342 Okay, you know what, let's all just relax. 119 00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:10,611 We don't need a gun. 120 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:14,748 I'd just like to forget this ever happened and try to move on with my life. 121 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:18,819 "I'd just like to forget this ever happened, and try to move on with my life." 122 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,722 This is great stuff. I think I'm going to add tears, though. 123 00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:23,924 Listen, baby, I know that it's scary, but look at me. 124 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:26,960 I'm fine, okay? 125 00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,530 Can't we just put this behind us? 126 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:33,834 That's gold. But I'm gonna switch it to "putting me behind you." 127 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,536 Baby, you don't have to worry about me. 128 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,938 I mean, yes, I'm a little scared. 129 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:41,141 But I'm a New Yorker, I'm not gonna let this change me. 130 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:44,612 I've changed! I'm a gun person now. 131 00:05:46,714 --> 00:05:48,115 Clip! Yeah, maybe we should 132 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,650 just take a break for a little bit. 133 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:50,718 (IN HUSKY VOICE) I said, "Clip!" 134 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,490 You want to get a gun? Not a scary one. 135 00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,125 Just a cute, little pink Beretta 136 00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,661 that matches these adorable strappy sandals I just bought. 137 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,630 By the way, our new credit card works. 138 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,164 You don't need a gun. 139 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:07,401 Every statistic in the world points to the fact that 140 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:11,805 it's safer not to have a gun in the home than to have one. Especially in our home. 141 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,907 You know how I'm always accidentally injuring you. 142 00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,409 Pretty easy, right? 143 00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,477 (LILY SCREAMING) 144 00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:26,554 (LILY SCREAMING) 145 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,789 (GLASS SHATTERING) 146 00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,692 Hurry up, baby. The party's about to start. 147 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:32,493 Boo! (SCREAMS) 148 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,799 Oh, my God, Lily! I thought you were going as a sexy cat! 149 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:41,935 I changed my mind. 150 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,971 And now you want to bring a gun into that equation? 151 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,507 I know, you're right, 152 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,775 but every time I close my eyes, 153 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,011 I picture that guy pointing a gun at you. 154 00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,713 (CRYING) And you're my whole world, Marshall. 155 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,914 If something ever happened to you, 156 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,516 I would just... I would just... 157 00:06:55,549 --> 00:06:58,819 Okay, okay. I know. I know. I know. 158 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:00,988 Okay, look, I got to admit something. 159 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:04,692 That mugging didn't happen exactly the way that I said it did. 160 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:07,861 Aha! So he was wearing a black skull-knit cap! 161 00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,963 Told you! 162 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:13,133 No, he wasn't wearing a black skull-knit cap. 163 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,167 He wasn't wearing anything. 164 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,170 Wait. So... 165 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:22,075 Watch it. Don't get any closer. 166 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:25,045 It's... It's cool. It's cool. 167 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:28,516 He naked-muggered you? 168 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:30,183 I'm not gonna ask where he was keeping the gun. 169 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:32,886 Are we sure it was a gun? 170 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,222 No, guys. I was walking home from work, 171 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:40,227 through Central Park, and I stopped at the zoo. 172 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,799 Watch it. Don't get any closer. 173 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,636 Oh! It's cool. It's cool. 174 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:50,203 (MONKEY CHATTERING) 175 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:57,845 You're telling us... 176 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:00,914 That you got mugged... 177 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:03,050 By a monkey. 178 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,952 I got mugged by a monkey. 179 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:08,255 (ALL LAUGHING) 180 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,598 You got mugged by a monkey? 181 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,033 Yep. I got mugged by a monkey. 182 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,536 I was embarrassed, so I made up the other story. 183 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,638 But the point is, Lily, you don't need a gun. 184 00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:25,939 (LAUGHING) Forget about the gun. 185 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:27,107 We're on this now. 186 00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,109 Wow, monkeys are mugging people now? 187 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,811 It really is a jungle out there. 188 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,212 (GASPING) Oh, my God. 189 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,915 That monkey has our address. What if he's in a gang? 190 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:38,986 I hope he doesn't do a swing by. 191 00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,055 Why didn't you just ask the zookeeper to get your wallet back? 192 00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:43,791 'Cause I saw what the monkey was doing with it, 193 00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:44,625 and I didn't really want it after that. 194 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:49,029 Hey, guys. What's up? 195 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,199 Oh! Some new information has come to light on Marshall's mugging. 196 00:08:52,232 --> 00:08:54,101 Oh, really? Did they catch the guy? 197 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:54,902 Well, he's behind bars. 198 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:58,071 Well, where did they find him? 199 00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,575 I'm guessing naked in a tree, throwing his own feces. 200 00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:04,878 Oh. I've seen that guy. See, that's why I take cabs. 201 00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,279 You know how they caught him, right? 202 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,250 There was a tail on him. There was a tail on him! 203 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,687 Okay, what is going on? 204 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,856 All right, Robin, here's what happened. 205 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,693 No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell it. It's my story. 206 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,063 You see, young Marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana. 207 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:28,368 No, I wasn't eating a banana. If you're gonna tell it, tell it right. 208 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,104 You're right. The banana was on the ground. 209 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,986 There was no banana. 210 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,655 There was no... There was no banana. 211 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,356 Marshall, I apologize. Truly. 212 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,292 Robin, here's what happened. 213 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,161 (MONKEY CHATTERING) 214 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,764 Oh, God. Oh, God, don't shoot. 215 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,066 There was no banana! 216 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:02,069 Come on, Barney. I know Marshall didn't get mugged by a monkey. 217 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:04,604 Marshall? 218 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:06,707 That part he got right. 219 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,842 What? 220 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:11,178 Guys, this is not an uncommon thing, okay? 221 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:14,682 In Thailand, in China, in Costa Rica, 222 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:16,884 people get mugged by monkeys all the time. 223 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,687 Monkeys are gatherers. Because of their inter-social dynamics, 224 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,922 having a predisposition towards stealing 225 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,124 gives one a genetic advantage. 226 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:27,360 You were mugged by a monkey. 227 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:31,098 Maybe he was just curious. Were you wearing a yellow hat? 228 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:33,433 Marshall, in all seriousness, this is a great story. 229 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,168 I mean, can I interview you about it on my show? 230 00:10:35,202 --> 00:10:38,238 What? He gets to be on your show? What about my model? 231 00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,874 No one wants to see a guy come on my show and play with dolls. 232 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:43,677 Okay, first of all, that is not what it is. 233 00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:45,145 And second of all, you just had a guy 234 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,114 on your show playing with dolls. 235 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,716 So, your dolls are favored to win 236 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:50,984 at the Rhinebeck Collector Awards next month. 237 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:52,686 Only if they behave themselves. 238 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:55,455 Last year, I found one of them cavorting with a G.I. Joe. 239 00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:56,423 (LAUGHING) 240 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,792 It's not funny. 241 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:03,030 What were you thinking? What if you'd gotten pregnant? 242 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,265 And you invited him back for a follow-up interview! 243 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:08,068 Only because the FBI asked us to keep him occupied 244 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,303 while they searched his house. 245 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,873 Come on, Marshall, I need the story. 246 00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,408 It's got everything. 247 00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:18,011 Crime, monkeys, no stupid model of the Empire State Building 248 00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,312 that takes up my entire living room 249 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,115 and makes the whole place smell like glue. 250 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:25,085 Come on. Do this for me, as a friend. 251 00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:26,920 It'd be fun to see you on TV. 252 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:27,888 Yeah. 253 00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:32,760 Okay, can you promise to present it in a way 254 00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,361 that doesn't make a joke out of the fact 255 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,796 that I got mugged by a monkey? 256 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,232 You got mugged by a monkey. 257 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:44,772 Oh, my God! I just got mugged! 258 00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,039 What? Is what I was saying 259 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,876 to this girl at the bar earlier. 260 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,211 It was completely terrifying. 261 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,146 I just want to forget this ever happened 262 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,015 and try to move on with my life. 263 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,817 Oh, you poor thing. 264 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,251 Neil? 265 00:11:58,285 --> 00:11:59,853 Neil? I... 266 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:00,387 Neil? I... 267 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:01,989 Neil! 268 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:03,456 Lady, my name's not Neil. 269 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,925 It's Ba... (GAGGING) 270 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,359 Why are you calling him Neil? 271 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,229 Because that's his name. He's Neil Armstrong. 272 00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,531 The cyclist? 273 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,300 I thought you were supposed to be on a shuttle mission. 274 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,935 I thought you just got mugged. 275 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,940 Okay, I can do this. You see, 276 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:26,113 I was on my way to the launch pad when I was mugged. 277 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:30,550 And the mugger took my space shuttle keys. 278 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:32,552 Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way? 279 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,321 I am! Me, too! 280 00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,555 (CHUCKLING) 281 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:39,326 And it was the best three-way ever. 282 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,830 Strange, 'cause you look like you just had two vodka tonics thrown in your face. 283 00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:44,764 You have lime in your hair. 284 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:52,239 The story's better with my ending... Just... Okay? 285 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:55,175 So, there we are, zero gravity. 286 00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,377 The three of us wearing nothing but space helmets. 287 00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:58,378 ROBIN: Marshall. And I... 288 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,914 You won't believe it. 289 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,315 I pitched the monkey mugger story to my producer, 290 00:13:02,349 --> 00:13:03,350 and he loves it! 291 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,886 Oh! Wow. 292 00:13:05,919 --> 00:13:08,121 Yeah. Yeah. Really? Cool. 293 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,890 I mean, who's ever heard of a guy getting mugged by a monkey? 294 00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:12,392 No one, except for the good people 295 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:15,929 of Thailand, China, Costa Rica, and plenty of other countries 296 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:18,598 where monkey crime is an extremely common nuisance. 297 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,902 Well, the best part is, he said that it might get picked up to go national. 298 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,537 Guys, this monkey mugger story could make me famous. 299 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:27,407 Me, too. 300 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,312 (STAMMERING) Guys, this is bad. I can't do this. 301 00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,313 So it'll be a little embarrassing. So what? 302 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,282 It's not that. 303 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,083 Guys, 304 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,320 (WHISPERING) I wasn't mugged by a monkey. 305 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:47,594 So, you weren't mugged by a monkey? 306 00:13:47,627 --> 00:13:49,529 No, I wasn't. 307 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:51,531 So, what you're saying is, 308 00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:54,567 the monkey tricked you into giving him your wallet? 309 00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:55,635 No, that's not what I'm saying. 310 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,038 So, you mugged the monkey? 311 00:13:58,071 --> 00:14:01,174 Guys, there was no monkey! It was a human being with a gun. 312 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,578 Are you sure it wasn't one monkey 313 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,415 standing on another monkey's shoulders wearing a men's trench coat? 314 00:14:08,448 --> 00:14:09,950 Be about the right height. 315 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:12,019 No! I... 316 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,154 I just made that story up so that Lily wouldn't get a gun. 317 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,023 The truth is that it never happened. 318 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,558 I don't buy it! 319 00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,093 What? You heard me. 320 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,661 I think you were mugged by a monkey. 321 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,530 You just don't want to go on Robin's show, 322 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,132 'cause you're afraid it'll make you look like a big joke. 323 00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:25,966 Well, won't it? 324 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,969 The biggest 'cause it's so funny. 325 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,038 Well, it never happened, okay? 326 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,006 And I can lie to you guys about it, because you're my best friends. 327 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,374 I am, but go on. 328 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,944 But I can't lie about it on national TV. 329 00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,214 Ted, you've known him the longest. Is he telling the truth? 330 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,385 Ted, don't. 331 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,360 I can't tell. 332 00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,629 He smells good. 333 00:14:58,465 --> 00:14:59,967 I just can't tell. 334 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,672 Well, I'm still saying it happened. 335 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:09,977 Maybe. But, Marshall, if you didn't get mugged by a monkey, 336 00:15:10,010 --> 00:15:11,411 you can't let Robin report it on her show. 337 00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:12,712 I mean, this could hurt her credibility. 338 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,248 Oh, please. Journalists lie all the time. 339 00:15:15,282 --> 00:15:17,350 I'm sorry, but I will believe that 340 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:20,587 Jack Palance is dead when I see the body. 341 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:22,322 Okay, this may come as a shock to you, Barney, 342 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:24,124 but people don't like to be lied to. 343 00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:27,394 Wrong. They don't like finding out they've been lied to. 344 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,030 "Because a lie is just a great story 345 00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:33,200 "that someone ruined with the truth." Barney Stinson. 346 00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:36,636 Case in point, what that girl Sarah did to me. 347 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,071 You mean what you did to her. 348 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:41,074 No. I mean what she did to me. 349 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,610 The truth is, I'm afraid the three-way story 350 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,578 didn't go exactly as I said it did. 351 00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,714 Nailed it. Who's up for a three-way? 352 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,185 Lisa, wait. 353 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:54,087 Yes, Neil? 354 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:54,754 You're Lisa? 355 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,223 Sarah, wait. 356 00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,026 Look, 357 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,195 I'm not Neil Armstrong. 358 00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:05,098 I'm sorry I lied. 359 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:09,602 Well, I guess I wasn't completely honest with you either. 360 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:13,340 I mean, I said that I was 28, but the truth is that I'm really 31. 361 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,442 And if we're being completely honest, 362 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,045 I went to the doctor the other day and found out... 363 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:23,016 Thirty-one! I was happy, very happy, 364 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:27,520 thinking that I had nailed a 28-year-old with some sun damage. 365 00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:31,591 People want the lie, Marshall. They need the lie, 366 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:35,262 which is why, as far as I'm concerned, you were mugged by a monkey. 367 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,265 Just as sure as I had that three-way. 368 00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:41,368 I am the greatest in the world! 369 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:42,735 (CHUCKLING) 370 00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:44,804 Barney, is that the three-way belt? 371 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,373 You know it. Props! 372 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,444 Man, I slept so great last night. 373 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,347 (SIGHS) Can you believe I almost bought a gun? 374 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,349 I'm so glad you got mugged by a monkey. 375 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:02,555 Okay, you guys got me. 376 00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:05,658 I was just nervous. I got mugged by a monkey. 377 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,526 Yes! I knew it! 378 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,361 Wait a minute. 379 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:11,264 Now I'm thinking you really weren't mugged by a monkey. 380 00:17:11,298 --> 00:17:13,266 Come on, Ted. Why would he make something like that up? 381 00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:14,501 Yeah, come on, Ted. 382 00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:17,137 Come here. 383 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,377 Okay, seriously, what is that cologne? 384 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,378 It's intoxicating. 385 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,615 OLDER TED: So, late the following night, 386 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:30,650 we all went to the set of Robin's show. 387 00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,252 Okay, Marshall, now, don't be nervous. 388 00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:33,220 What we're going to do is, we're going to sit you... 389 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:35,122 What the hell is this? 390 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,389 I don't know. 391 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,558 Looks like something covered by a sheet. 392 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:40,127 Guess if you want to find out, 393 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,661 you're gonna have to do a story on it. 394 00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,163 You're gonna be covered by a sheet 395 00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:44,764 if you don't get your stupid model out of here. 396 00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,435 Dude, what are you doing? 397 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:50,670 I don't think Marshall's going to lie on TV. 398 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,472 And when he backs out, 399 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,841 I want to be there for my friend Robin with a story. 400 00:17:54,874 --> 00:17:58,545 Or rather, 102 stories, because that's how tall 401 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:01,381 a certain iconic New York landmark is. 402 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,350 Now, I want to buy a gun. 403 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:05,652 Whoa, the monkey's here. 404 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:07,587 Surprise. We thought it would help the story to bring him here 405 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,456 so you could face your attacker. 406 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,791 Yeah, because of this incident, 407 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,694 we will be sending Captain Bobo to a wildlife sanctuary. 408 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,763 Ooh! I bet he'll like it there. 409 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:21,468 No, ma'am. You see, we'll be splitting him up from his mate Milly. 410 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:22,802 They've been together for a long time. 411 00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:27,207 His mate's name is Milly? 412 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,808 OLDER TED: And then the interview began. 413 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:31,911 Marshall, in your own words, describe what happened. 414 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,281 Well, I would... 415 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,882 I... I would love to tell you what happened, Robin. 416 00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,885 But... 417 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,487 I'm just... I'm so curious as to 418 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,722 what is going on underneath that sheet. 419 00:18:42,755 --> 00:18:44,391 Well, we're not here to talk about that. 420 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,593 We're here to talk about your mugging. 421 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,861 Right. Well, people get mugged in New York City all the time, Robin. 422 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:53,200 But how often do you get to see whatever's under that sheet? 423 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:53,733 Mike, can we get a shot of that? 424 00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:54,634 We'll be right back. 425 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,668 We're clear. 426 00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,837 What the hell are you doing? 427 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,840 Okay, Robin, I wasn't really mugged by a monkey, okay? 428 00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:02,642 I just made up that story so that Lily wouldn't buy a gun. 429 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,611 So, you weren't mugged by a monkey? 430 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,478 No, what are you talking about, baby? 431 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:06,479 Of course I was mugged by a monkey. 432 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:09,316 Great. Tell it to America. We're back in five. 433 00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,184 No. No. No. Not back in five. I wasn't mugged by a monkey. 434 00:19:11,218 --> 00:19:12,952 Okay, that's it. I'm getting a gun. 435 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,654 No, no. Don't get a gun. I was mugged by a monkey. 436 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,256 Well, then, Bobo here is going away. 437 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,291 Wasn't. I wasn't mugged by a monkey. 438 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:19,526 Ted, do you have any idea if Marshall was mugged by a monkey? 439 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,694 None whatsoever. Just tell me, 440 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:23,730 were you or were you not mugged by Captain Bobo? 441 00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,598 Yeah, baby, just tell us what really happened. 442 00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:26,899 Yeah, Marshall, just tell us the truth. 443 00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:27,567 Come on, you promised. 444 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,901 (ALL CLAMORING) 445 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:32,939 OLDER TED: And that's when Marshall realized 446 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,674 there was only one thing he could say. 447 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,608 All right. 448 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,810 Here's the truth. 449 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:39,679 I... 450 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,451 am going back to bed. 451 00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,653 OLDER TED: And that was it. 452 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,689 We never found out what really happened to Uncle Marshall's wallet. 453 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,959 But we do know this. Aunt Lily never got a gun. 454 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,928 Aunt Robin's credibility remained unimpeached. 455 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:59,366 And Bobo and Milly lived out their days together in the Central Park Zoo. 456 00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:00,567 (SIGHING) Damn it. 457 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,636 All right, Ted, mike up. 458 00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:07,940 Miked up and made up. Red leather, yellow leather. 459 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,477 That wasn't very satisfying. 460 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:11,844 When I tell everyone at work this story, 461 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,281 I'm saying he was mugged by a monkey. 462 00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,948 And I'm gonna keep the banana-on-a-string thing. That was working. 463 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,817 Barney, enough with the lies. 464 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:19,552 You can't just tack on a new ending 465 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,621 because you're not satisfied with how a story wraps up. 466 00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:26,926 Oh, really? Well, mark my words, Mosby. 467 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:30,430 Someday, you'll be telling this story, and you'll see it my way. 468 00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:32,131 Doubtful. 469 00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,766 OLDER TED: And then, kids, you'll never believe what happened. 470 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:34,867 The monkey got loose. 471 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,605 He's got one of my dolls! 472 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:41,341 ZOOKEEPER: Bobo, come here, Bobo. 473 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,275 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 474 00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,242 He's climbing the building. 475 00:20:47,314 --> 00:20:48,047 Bobo, come here. 476 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:48,848 I'll get him. 477 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:57,324 Is this really happening? 478 00:20:57,357 --> 00:20:58,425 Sure is, Ted. 479 00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:01,461 OLDER TED: True story.