1
00:00:01,169 --> 00:00:04,405
OLDER TED: Kids, on a warm
March evening in 2010,

2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:06,440
a New York City Police boat
pulled a 34-year-old
white male

3
00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:08,776
out of the Hudson River,
your Uncle Barney.

4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:11,212
All right, kid,
let's hear the story,

5
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:12,580
from the beginning.

6
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,116
Well, it all started
a week ago.

7
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,251
I was making time at
the local watering hole.

8
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,255
Enter, a dame.

9
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:32,500
Nothing sexier than
a man in a fine cravat.

10
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,369
Except for a woman
who appreciates
a fine cravat.

11
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,373
How about we
just call it a tie?

12
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,110
(BOTH LAUGHING)

13
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:45,113
(LAUGHING)

14
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,347
You see,
a cravat is
a kind of tie.

15
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:48,349
I get it.

16
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:52,120
Anyway, next thing you know,
I get her back to my place.

17
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:56,857
Barney, when
I get in bed with a man,
my body becomes a machine,

18
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,360
fueled by desire and lust

19
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:05,299
and a singular
hunger to satisfy
my lover's every carnal need.

20
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,800
Good thing the
cleaning lady's
coming tomorrow.

21
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,105
Well, good night.

22
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,741
What? Wait, what?

23
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,478
I thought your body was gonna
become a machine, fueled by
desire, lust,

24
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,513
and a singular
hunger to satisfy
my every carnal need?

25
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:21,849
No.

26
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:39,032
(ALL LAUGHING)

27
00:01:39,066 --> 00:01:41,202
You know, I really think that
Don and I are hitting our
stride as a news team.

28
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,236
Yeah.
Well, all credit goes

29
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:43,271
to this lady on my left.

30
00:01:43,304 --> 00:01:45,273
Well, come on.

31
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,208
That story you
did on which rodents
to avoid on the subway...

32
00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,277
The answer
may surprise you.

33
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:52,580
It's all of them.

34
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,615
I got to run, okay?
Okay.

35
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,349
LILY: Well, bye.
I'll see you.
It's good to meet you.

36
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:56,884
Yeah, you too.
Okay. Bye, Don.

37
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,253
(SIGHS)

38
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:01,789
Okay, Robin,
that guy is awesome.

39
00:02:01,822 --> 00:02:04,325
He's funny.
He's smart. He's handsome.

40
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:06,160
You got to scoop him up
before someone else does.

41
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,861
I hope you're not
talking about you?

42
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:11,232
It has been four months
since you broke up
with Barney.

43
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,367
Maybe it's time
to put yourself
back out there.

44
00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:15,903
Yeah, exactly.
Barney's dating again,
and he couldn't be happier.

45
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,506
I couldn't
be more unhappy.

46
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,808
All night long,
she's hot and heavy for me.

47
00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:23,311
I get her back to my place,
and she just bolts?

48
00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,346
I mean, at least,
when I run out on a girl,

49
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:28,316
I have
the common courtesy
to sleep with her first.

50
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,783
It's called manners.

51
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,552
Sounds like
she read that book,

52
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:33,421
Of Course
You're Still Single.

53
00:02:33,454 --> 00:02:34,388
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.

54
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,493
Well, it...
It's this book that helps
single girls find a husband.

55
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:42,963
It's Robin's copy.
I've just...

56
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,232
I've leafed through it
a little bit.

57
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,334
Is that right? Well...
Really?

58
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,336
Men Are From Mars...

59
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,971
Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine!

60
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,907
Barney, when you
were with this girl,

61
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:57,511
did she suddenly
slip the word "sex"
into the conversation?

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00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,515
I'm in the inter-sex-tion,
and I only have a couple
of sex,

63
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,952
before the light changes.
Anyway, everyone's
honking at me.

64
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:09,790
And it totally sex.
But, I can't turn around,
because a jogger slipped

65
00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,659
and fell in
horse sex-crement.

66
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:16,297
Go on. Go on.

67
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:18,266
Did she make
excuses to establish
physical contact with you?

68
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:20,934
Is this cashmere?

69
00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,636
Cashmere?

70
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,639
(SCOFFS) This is
hand spun virgin Merino.

71
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:30,244
The fibers in this suit are
less than 12 microns thick.

72
00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:31,545
Twelve microns?

73
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,616
I love a tiny fiber.

74
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:39,653
Well, you're in luck.
'Cause mine's the tiniest.

75
00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:43,291
And the more you touch it,
the softer it gets.

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00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:46,294
(MOANS)

77
00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,830
She did that, too!

78
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:52,433
Now, here's the final test.

79
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,702
Next time you see her,
ask her out for the
following night.

80
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,870
The book says
that's forbidden.

81
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,507
So, she'll probably
give you some lame excuse,

82
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:02,710
like this, "Oh, I can't
do anything tomorrow tonight,

83
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,745
"I've already made plans
to clean my garbage disposal

84
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,480
"and treat myself
to a bubble bath.

85
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,382
"But how about
next week some time?"

86
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:11,685
Aha! You're trying that,
Of Course You're Still Single.

87
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,854
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut crap on me!

88
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,556
It's not crap!

89
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,525
Of Course
You're Still Single.

90
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,693
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut
is a brilliant book.

91
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:23,331
And, it scares away guys
who are only interested
in getting laid.

92
00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,933
Why not just say
you have a kid?

93
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:28,602
You'd be surprised how
many jerks there are
out there.

94
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,771
That's why the book says,
"Never sleep with a guy
on the first date."

95
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,340
Totally.
"Or the second date."

96
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,741
Of course.
"Or the third date."

97
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:34,875
Well...
"Or the fourth date."

98
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,377
Would you tell me
how many dates?

99
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,379
Seventeen.
(STUTTERS)

100
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:42,616
Excuse me,
is anyone using this?

101
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,355
(EXHALES)

102
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:51,492
Yep. Here it is.
"No sex until after 17 dates."

103
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,794
Barney, if
you're not gonna
take her out on 17 dates,

104
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:54,828
I think
you should
just give it up.

105
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,730
ROBIN: Hmm.

106
00:04:56,764 --> 00:05:00,768
Oh, no. I'm not the one
who's gonna give it up,
she is.

107
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,503
Because thanks
to Ted's book...

108
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,837
That's Robin's.
It's Robin's book.

109
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,774
...I can stay two steps
ahead of her at all times.

110
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:09,009
There's a loophole in here
somewhere, and I'm gonna
find it.

111
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,043
(TELEPHONE RINGING)

112
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:12,713
Hello?
Hey, Robin.

113
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:14,582
Oh, hey, Don.

114
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:17,918
Listen, do you want
to go out Saturday night?

115
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:18,886
Saturday night?

116
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,454
Is he asking you out?

117
00:05:20,488 --> 00:05:21,889
Say yes! Say yes!

118
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,057
Look, Don, listen,

119
00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:27,027
it's really
sweet of you to ask.

120
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,530
And you're a great guy.

121
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,031
Yes, I'll go out with you.

122
00:05:31,064 --> 00:05:33,401
Robin, are you okay?

123
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,968
Um, I just
have a little cold.

124
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,804
That's probably
what you're hearing.

125
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,105
But Saturday
night sounds great.

126
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:40,107
We can even go
to a steak house.

127
00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:43,377
And you can bring
home some prime rib
for my friend Marshall.

128
00:05:43,411 --> 00:05:45,713
Okay, got to go.
Love you, bye.

129
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,548
What the hell
are you thinking?

130
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:52,386
Robin, you've
got to do this, okay?
A great guy like Don is rare.

131
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:55,088
And speaking
of rare, prime rib.
Don't forget. Thank you.

132
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:01,128
Oh, my God.
I don't believe it!

133
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:07,901
Guys, this is her!
She wrote the book!

134
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:12,105
Huh. Her name must be Anita.
Okay, my plan was to sleep
with her.

135
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:15,075
But this changes everything.

136
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:18,846
New plan,
I'm going to
sleep with her.

137
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:24,151
Boy, this girl that
Barney's going after,

138
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:27,120
she kind of sounds
like the anti-Barney.

139
00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:30,090
I love how
the universe decided
to bring those two together.

140
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,860
Actually, Anita's going
after Barney because
I told her to.

141
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,102
Wait, you sicced
Anita on Barney?

142
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,571
How do you
even know her?

143
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,506
She was on my show.

144
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,975
But, um, if you had
to summarize your book,

145
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,544
in 30 words or less.

146
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,580
I'll summarize it
in one word, Robin.

147
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:55,048
And that word is "no."

148
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,151
By saying "no" constantly
and consistently,

149
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:02,490
you empower yourself
while simultaneously
turning any jerk

150
00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,125
into a submissive,
sniveling, puddle
of a man.

151
00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:07,861
Hmm. And isn't that
every girl's dream.

152
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,731
(CHUCKLES) After the break,
we're gonna talk about
your new book,

153
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,900
Of Course
You Don't Have
a Retirement Plan Yet.

154
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,935
Take a Look at Yourself,
You Dumb Slut.

155
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,970
Due out in June.
We'll be right back.

156
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,540
MIKE: We're clear.

157
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:20,708
You guys want any coffee?
Thank you.

158
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:21,975
Oh, you know what,
Mike, that'd be great.

159
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:23,110
You?

160
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,077
No.

161
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,216
What about you, Robin?
You dating anyone?

162
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:33,120
Oh. Dating's not
really my bag right now.

163
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:36,524
Uh-oh.
Did somebody
break your heart?

164
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:39,026
And then,
I told her everything.
It just came pouring out.

165
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,561
And by the end
of it, she said...

166
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:43,697
This Barney needs
to be taught a lesson.

167
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,899
You say the word
and I will destroy him.

168
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,568
What do you mean?

169
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:50,538
I can use the power of no
to break your friend Barney.

170
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,674
Just say the word.

171
00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,943
Come on.
That stuff doesn't
really work, does it?

172
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,845
I didn't know
what you wanted, so
I got you a cappuccino,

173
00:07:57,878 --> 00:07:59,980
an espresso,
a latte, a decaf...

174
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,549
Oh, hi, Robin.

175
00:08:01,582 --> 00:08:03,517
And this is
a Turkish coffee.

176
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:04,652
Thank you, Mike.

177
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,287
Think about it.

178
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,255
ROBIN: I didn't think
I was gonna think about it,

179
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:10,257
but then,
I thought about it.

180
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:14,895
Oh, this pilates instructor
was off the charts.

181
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:17,698
Picture Robin,
but younger.

182
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,134
And bigger boobs.

183
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:25,205
Maybe not bigger,
but more shapely,
and bigger.

184
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,142
Hello?

185
00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,611
I get her up
against the StairMaster,

186
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,045
and we...
Do it.

187
00:08:32,079 --> 00:08:34,582
Spoilers!
Anyway, we do it.

188
00:08:34,615 --> 00:08:35,115
It's done.

189
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,689
Thank you, Michael.

190
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,693
Look, I know, it was stupid.

191
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,294
But you have to understand,

192
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,663
back then
I was still really
upset about the breakup.

193
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,265
I was going through my
mourning period.

194
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,868
There was a lot of Scotch and
a lot of long nights at the
shooting range.

195
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,905
Hmm. I hope those
weren't the same nights.

196
00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:02,075
Geez, Lily, it's not
like I remember all
of them.

197
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:05,613
Hey, babe, did you know that
Robin was going through
a mourning period?

198
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,615
I mean, she seemed
fine after the breakup.

199
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:10,684
Oh, you know how she is.
She tries to keep her
emotions to herself.

200
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,853
But, yeah,
I caught her
crying a couple times.

201
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,889
She cried?
Like real tears?

202
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:17,825
But that means...

203
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:22,796
Oh, no.

204
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:25,232
OLDER TED: And then Marshall
realized what a jackass
he'd been to Robin.

205
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:28,802
Exactly.
Barney's dating again
and he couldn't be happier.

206
00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:35,275
I mean, that guy has
been active sexually.

207
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:39,680
All right, he's just
been like, bang,
bang, bang!

208
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:44,985
You know, it's like,
bang, bang, bang, bang.

209
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:48,856
* Bang, bang, bang,
bang, bang, bangity bang

210
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,224
* I said a bang, bang, bang,
bangity bang bang, bang, bang

211
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,662
* Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a bang, bang,
bangity bang *

212
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,830
How could you
let me do that?

213
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,766
You're my wife.
You're supposed to stop me

214
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,300
from embarrassing myself
in public.

215
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:03,671
I know. But that
song's kind of catchy.

216
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,238
* Bang, bang, bangity bang

217
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:08,008
* Bang, bang, bangity bang

218
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:12,012
* I said,
bang, bang, bangity bang
Bang, bang, bangity bang *

219
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:15,215
Damn it! I've read
the thing cover to cover
and I can't find a loophole.

220
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,350
What am I gonna do?

221
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,920
Well, there is
one other option,

222
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,121
but you're not ready.

223
00:10:21,154 --> 00:10:23,957
Tell me.

224
00:10:23,991 --> 00:10:25,793
Well,
if you have to seal
the deal in just one date,

225
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,128
it's got to be one
doozy of a date, right?

226
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:31,732
I'm not talking
dinner and a movie.
I'm not talking mini-golf.

227
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:34,702
I'm talking 17 dates'
worth of romance

228
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,938
wrapped up into
one incredible night.

229
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:42,009
I'm talking
about a superdate.

230
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,011
A superdate?
Mmm-hmm.

231
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,347
That sounds kind of lame.
What if we call it a megadate?

232
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,116
If you want my help,
it's a superdate.

233
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,384
All right.
Leave it to me.

234
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:53,053
I'll plan the whole thing.

235
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:55,255
You're gonna
plan the whole thing?
Mmm-hmm.

236
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,957
I bet it'll be all
gooey and romantic, huh?

237
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,826
Gooey and romantic?

238
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,161
Gooey and romantic?

239
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:02,896
Barney.

240
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:07,868
* You don't have to
take her to Paris or Peru

241
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:11,304
Uh, Ted, what are you doing?

242
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:15,275
* You just have to
make her understand

243
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,177
Ted, people
are looking at us.

244
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:21,448
* What she means to you

245
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:23,984
Oh, God, really?
You're really gonna
do this right now?

246
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:28,856
* On your superdate

247
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:35,428
* Troubles of the world
will simply have to wait

248
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:41,935
* For wonders and amazement
served up on a silver plate

249
00:11:41,969 --> 00:11:45,906
* Hurry up now, don't be late

250
00:11:45,939 --> 00:11:48,976
* 'Cause hand in hand
You'll find a land

251
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:56,049
* Where paradise awaits

252
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,754
And then, boom!

253
00:12:00,788 --> 00:12:05,859
Fireworks over
the Manhattan skyline,
you kiss her...

254
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:12,199
* And that's
your superdate *

255
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:22,843
That sounds
gooey and romantic.

256
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,344
Yeah.

257
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:29,249
Strip club?
Strip club.

258
00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:32,085
(CLEARS THROAT)

259
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:33,921
OLDER TED:
Finally, the night of
the big dates arrived.

260
00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:37,324
So, tonight's the big night.
Where's the D-bag taking you?

261
00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,392
That's not
a good nickname for Don.
I'll think of a better one.

262
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,361
You know, that, I just...
I canceled.

263
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,432
What do you mean you...
Wait... Hey...

264
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,234
Hey, what's wrong?

265
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,402
Robin canceled her date.
What?

266
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,305
She was totally psyched
for it, like an hour ago.

267
00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:56,977
Robin Scherbatsky,
you look like the
classiest,

268
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,447
most expensive
prostitute ever.

269
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:03,450
Oh, thank you.

270
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,285
I take it
you're excited
to go out with Don?

271
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,954
You know what, I kind of am.

272
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,822
Don't tell Marshall.

273
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,557
I won't.
I bet you'll have
a nice time tonight.

274
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:13,193
Yeah.
Not, however, a super time.

275
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:17,230
A super time
will be had by Barney
on his date with Anita.

276
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:22,335
Yep. Carriage ride, dinner
at Le Tombeur des Culottes.

277
00:13:22,369 --> 00:13:25,906
They're calling
it a superdate. So...

278
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:31,845
Ted! How could you do that?
Robin just got over her
mourning period.

279
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,413
She seemed so happy
after the breakup.

280
00:13:33,446 --> 00:13:36,116
Oh, Ted.
So unobservant.

281
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:39,352
Such a guy.
She was obviously crushed.

282
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:44,191
Wait, but that would mean...
Oh, no.

283
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:47,194
OLDER TED: And then I realized
what a jackass I'd been
to Robin.

284
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:48,962
* I said a bang,
bang, bangity bang *

285
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,931
Hey, what you singing?
Just a little ditty I wrote

286
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,532
about how many girls
Barney's been banging lately.

287
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,601
Well, count me in
for a verse.
Great!

288
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:57,004
* Bang, bang, bangity bang

289
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,105
* I said, a bang,
bang, bangity bang

290
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,340
* Bang, bang, bang

291
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,309
* Bang, bang, bangity bang
I said a bang bang... *

292
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:05,278
No! Oh, God.
Where is she?

293
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:06,980
I think
she's in the restroom.

294
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,081
(CRYING)

295
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,182
ALL: Oh.

296
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:12,352
No, guys, guys, I'm fine.

297
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,320
(WHISTLING)

298
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:16,856
Hey.

299
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,130
Dude, why would you do that?

300
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:25,465
Because I'm angry at you!

301
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:28,535
I'm angry at me!
I'm angry at Ted!

302
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:31,138
And frankly, I'm
still angry at
the Empire.

303
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,006
Why are you angry at me?

304
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,608
Dude, you've
been a real jerk
in front of Robin

305
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,277
while she's been going
through her mourning period.

306
00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:39,179
Mourning period?

307
00:14:39,212 --> 00:14:39,846
She hasn't been going
through any mourning period.

308
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:43,283
So unobservant.
Such a guy.

309
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:46,553
Ugh, Barney, sit down.
You need to hear some stuff.

310
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,621
What, what?
Is she upset
or something?

311
00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:50,223
Of course she's upset.

312
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,426
Take a look at yourself,
you dumb slut.

313
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:56,463
OLDER TED: And then
Aunt Lily told Barney
every excruciating detail

314
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:59,099
of what he hadn't been
seeing since the breakup.

315
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:02,602
You should've seen this girl.
Bang, ping, pawdau, gu-dunk.

316
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,637
Okay, I'm leaving.

317
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:06,639
So, we get up to my place.

318
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:11,244
(SOBBING)

319
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,914
(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

320
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,354
(SNIFFLING)

321
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,959
* ...bang, bangity bang,
bang, bang, bang

322
00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:28,195
* Bang, bang, bangity bang

323
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,696
* I said bang,
bang, bangity bang,
bang, bang, bang *

324
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,136
(VOMITING)

325
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,577
I can't believe
Robin's been so upset.

326
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,580
I can't believe you threw up
in your Stormtrooper helmet.

327
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,150
Eh. I did something worse
in it after The Phantom
Menace premiere.

328
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:55,288
So she's been this way
ever since we broke up?

329
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:57,290
Actually, she was
doing much better

330
00:15:57,324 --> 00:16:01,028
until you decided to go on
this stupid superdate
with Anita.

331
00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,963
And now,
she's off sulking
God knows where.

332
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:05,598
I know where.

333
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,037
(SIGHS)

334
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:17,010
Hey.
Hey, Barney. What's up?

335
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:20,580
(SNIFFLING) I thought you
were going on some big date.

336
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,115
Robin, I know you're upset.

337
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,451
What? No.

338
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:29,622
I have never been happier.
And this Anita sounds lovely.

339
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:33,793
I am so glad that
you two just randomly
happened to find each other.

340
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,628
It just warms
my freaking heart!

341
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,365
(EXCLAIMS)

342
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:40,433
(GUN CLICKING)

343
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:41,634
(GRUNTS)

344
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,735
(EXHALING)

345
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,806
So, are you sure
you're not upset?

346
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,309
Well, of course
I'm upset, Barney!

347
00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,279
Don't you see how constantly
talking about your conquests

348
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:54,481
makes me
feel like I'm just
another number to you?

349
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,249
But you're not just
another number to me.

350
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,718
You know,
and now you're taking Anita,

351
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:01,254
who you barely know,
on this amazing date,

352
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:03,490
when I never got
treated that way.

353
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,393
It just...

354
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:08,228
It just sucks, that's all.
It just sucks.

355
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,130
(SIGHS)

356
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,839
Wow. I knew I was
bad at being a boyfriend,

357
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,542
but I had no idea
I'd be so much worse
at being an ex-boyfriend.

358
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,414
I'm sorry.

359
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:30,783
What can I do to
make it up to you?

360
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:34,087
Nothing, Barney.

361
00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:35,755
You've already proven that
I'm not important to you.

362
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:38,057
Oh, stop that. I'm serious.
Ask me for anything.

363
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,562
Uh, okay,
don't sleep with Anita.

364
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:44,731
Done.
Barney,

365
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,533
of course you're
gonna sleep with her.

366
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,636
Why else would
you be taking her
on this superdate?

367
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,271
She's not going on
the superdate, Robin.

368
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,540
You are.

369
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,777
OLDER TED:
Your Uncle Barney
finally gave Aunt Robin

370
00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:00,347
the superdate
she truly deserved.

371
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,282
With a guy
she truly deserved.

372
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,853
Of course, there was
still one loose end.

373
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:08,521
Barney.

374
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,458
Oh, hey, Anita.
I totally meant to call you.

375
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:14,894
Well, I'm breaking all
my rules coming down here,

376
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,597
but nobody
stands me up like that,
so, are we going out or what?

377
00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,302
I'm sorry, I made
a promise to a friend.

378
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:24,271
I have to say no.

379
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,176
Oh. Oh, I see.

380
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,245
(SCOFFING)
You're trying
the "no" thing on me.

381
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:33,546
You really think
that's gonna work?

382
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:37,550
'Cause it won't!

383
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,885
Okay, how about this,
I'll cut you a deal.

384
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,454
Maybe you might

385
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:46,193
get lucky after the 12th date.

386
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:47,394
No.
The 11th date.

387
00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,428
No.
Fifth date.

388
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:49,562
No.
Tonight.

389
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,663
No.
Tonight before dinner.

390
00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:52,165
No.

391
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,266
How about you?
You interested?

392
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,567
Yeah.

393
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,636
Come on, Barney!

394
00:18:56,669 --> 00:19:00,840
I'm sorry, Anita.
The answer is no.

395
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,311
Well, good! Because
my answer is no, too!

396
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:07,747
Okay, here's my final offer.

397
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:24,864
Barney!

398
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,348
And that's my story.

399
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:44,551
Well, here's
a $500 ticket for
jumping in the river.

400
00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:45,885
I hope it was worth it.

401
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:49,556
(FIREWORKS EXPLODING)

402
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:02,935
I hope so, too.

403
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:23,956
It's not true.
It's an old wives' tale.

404
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:25,992
Oh, hey, Robin.
Hey.

405
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:27,260
How'd the big date go?

406
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,861
Uh, pretty well.

407
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:31,864
Pretty, pretty well.

408
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,900
Like, how pretty well?

409
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:38,471
Oh, guys, guys, come on.
It was fine.

410
00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:42,409
You know, it was nice.
We had a good time.

411
00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:45,011
Let's just... Let's just
leave it at that, okay?

412
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:51,784
Although,
one interesting
thing did happen.

413
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,053
* I said a bang,
bang, bangity bang

414
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,288
* I said a bang,
bang, bangity bang

415
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:57,857
* A bang, bang, bang, bang
bang, bangity bang

416
00:20:57,890 --> 00:21:00,293
* I said a bang,
bang, bangity bang

417
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:03,530
* Bang,
bang, bang, bang, bang
bang, bang, bangity bang *