1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,438 OLDER TED: Kids, in many of my stories, 2 00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:06,574 I'm a starry-eyed romantic on a noble search for true love. 3 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:09,610 In this one, I'm just a jerk. 4 00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:13,281 Well, guys, tonight is the night. 5 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:17,085 I'm inviting Tiffany up to my place to see my antique camera collection. 6 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,353 It's Ted's bait. Bait? 7 00:00:19,387 --> 00:00:22,123 A true gentleman invents a pretense to lure 8 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,058 an honorable lady into his apartment, 9 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:26,160 some item of interest or beauty 10 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,795 you can both pretend to admire for five minutes 11 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,398 before she hops on your disco stick. 12 00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,066 Right. She's coming up to borrow a book, 13 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,801 or check out an album on vinyl. 14 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,303 Or to see your new rap poster. 15 00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:38,672 (SCOFFS) Rap poster? Who would that work on? 16 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,441 It was the first week of college. 17 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,775 I was really into Wu-Tang Clan. 18 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:45,246 Yeah, bait is tricky. 19 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,781 It has to be something interesting enough to get the girl upstairs, 20 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,451 but not so interesting that it overpowers the night. 21 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,786 BARNEY: I found that a slot machine was too fun. 22 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,255 (EXCLAIMING) 23 00:00:56,790 --> 00:01:00,128 And a trampoline turned out to be too dangerous. 24 00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:04,498 But then I found the perfect bait. 25 00:01:04,532 --> 00:01:06,200 A teacup pig. (GRUNTING) 26 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,202 Oh... 27 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,638 A teacup pig? Who's that working on? 28 00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,640 You have a teacup pig? You have a teacup pig? 29 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,176 Can we see the teacup pig? 30 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:15,976 Can I borrow your teacup pig? 31 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,811 Yes, you can borrow my teacup pig. 32 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,647 You have a teacup pig? 33 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,549 Oh, my gosh, I can't believe you have a teacup pig. 34 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,684 You're just so cute. Yes, you are the cutest piggy ever. 35 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,755 What? 36 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:29,390 Were you always this pretty? Or are you gonna give me that whole 37 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,692 "Oh, in high school, I was really shy and awkward" line? 38 00:01:31,725 --> 00:01:34,162 I was shy and awkward. 39 00:01:34,195 --> 00:01:36,797 I was like 100 pounds heavier and I had these crazy buck teeth. 40 00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:39,167 Seriously? No. 41 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,435 I've always been hot. What are you gonna do? 42 00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,308 Do you know who else would love this teacup pig? 43 00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,842 Hmm. 44 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:49,877 My boyfriend. 45 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,194 You have a boyfriend? 46 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:08,362 I know. So annoying, right? 47 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:11,265 I mean, he's not really my boyfriend. 48 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,766 Oh, good. 49 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,403 I mean, technically, he kind of is. 50 00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:16,737 Well, is he or isn't he? 51 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:20,474 Some of both, but definitely not neither. 52 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:21,575 Are you getting any of this? 53 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:25,479 Look, I really like you. 54 00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,881 I just need you to be patient. 55 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:31,151 I don't want to lose you, big brown eyes. 56 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:37,791 Yep. Somebody doesn't want to lose "big brown eyes." 57 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:41,495 Oh, Ted. She's got you on the hook. 58 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:43,497 What? What? I'm not on the hook. 59 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,766 Oh, you are totally on the hook. 60 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:48,569 She's stringing you along, but she's not committing to you, 61 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,638 but she's keeping you around, just in case, 62 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,907 like an old can of chili in the pantry. 63 00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:56,544 Um... Who's buying canned chili and not eating it immediately? 64 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:59,780 Amen, sister. 65 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:00,948 But, Ted, don't feel bad. We've all been there. 66 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,516 I've been on both sides of it. 67 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,852 I've been a hookee and a hooker. 68 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,788 Move past it, guys. I've been a little bit loose, but money never changed hands. 69 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:11,592 I've been on the hook. 70 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:16,397 Lisa Walker. Picture it. 1994, St. Cloud, Minnesota. 71 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,733 So, I was, like, thinking, Lisa, 72 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,738 do you maybe want to, like, go out with me? 73 00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,809 That sounds great. 74 00:03:28,842 --> 00:03:30,678 But I'm sort of seeing this guy. 75 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,780 He's got a LeBaron convertible and an in at the roller rink, 76 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,682 so I'd hate to burn that bridge. 77 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:37,818 I understand. 78 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,954 But how about this? 79 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,691 You can be my secret boyfriend who does all my homework for me. 80 00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,296 All right. 81 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,399 You want to see my rap poster? 82 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,402 Poster whore! 83 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:57,971 Anyway, Lisa Walker strung me along for months 84 00:03:58,005 --> 00:04:02,610 until, one night, I went to go tell her how much I loved her, 85 00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:03,611 (ALL EXCLAIMING IN ADMIRATION) 86 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:04,845 in song. 87 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,614 (ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISDAIN) 88 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:08,582 MARSHALL: She wasn't home yet, so I waited. 89 00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:12,420 And waited. 90 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,359 I woke up four hours later covered in snow, 91 00:04:18,392 --> 00:04:19,627 and that's when I saw it, 92 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:23,697 Lisa's footsteps. 93 00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:26,534 She had walked right over me and into the house. 94 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:29,537 It was the best thing that could've happened. 95 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,572 It got me off her hook. 96 00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,941 Okay, that is definitely not what's going on with me and Tiffany. 97 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:34,742 Listen to this. 98 00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,779 I'm really into you. 99 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:41,615 I just can't be with you right now. 100 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,486 Eh? Eh? 101 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,789 Ted, "right now" is the classic on-the-hook catchphrase. 102 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,858 Yep. "Right now" paints a picture of 103 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,960 some sort of magical future time when everything will work out. 104 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:56,330 But the truth is that will never happen. 105 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,732 It's like this, "I can't be with you." 106 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:01,502 Boom! "Right now." 107 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:02,903 (IMITATING DOOR CREAKING OPEN) 108 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,107 Yeah, I think my high school boyfriend, 109 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,709 Scooter, is still sort of on the hook for me. 110 00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:11,379 Sort of? He totally is. 111 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:14,081 The poor guy showed up at our wedding hoping to win you back. 112 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,850 Yeah. It's still sometimes weird when I see him at work. 113 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,853 Wait, what? 114 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,789 Scooter works in the school cafeteria. We've talked about this. 115 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,126 Hey, Lily. Nice dress. Tater Tots? 116 00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,395 (MOUTHING) I love you. 117 00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:32,766 We most certainly have not talked about this! 118 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,369 Yes, we have. I've mentioned it tons of times. 119 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,805 Lunch lady Scooter. 120 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:41,409 I thought that you were referring to some sort of long overdue device 121 00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:44,778 that carries around those poor, underappreciated lunch ladies. 122 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,581 This explains a lot. 123 00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:49,683 Lunch lady Scooter was there again today. 124 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:53,120 Yeah, did you jump on that thing? Give it a ride? 125 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,389 No! Really? 126 00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,157 If it were me, I'd be riding that scooter all day long 127 00:05:57,190 --> 00:06:00,928 until I broke that thing in half. 128 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:04,164 So those poor women still have to walk everywhere? 129 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,800 Wait, Scooter is working at your school? 130 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,036 Are you jealous? 131 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:11,772 No, I just feel bad for Scooter. 132 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:14,141 'Cause the only reason he took that job is he thinks he has a shot with you. 133 00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:17,411 You have to make it clear that he doesn't so that he can move on, 134 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,947 and a real lunch lady can get her job back. Damn! 135 00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:22,683 I've tried. 136 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,653 Hey, Lily. I saw you have seventh period free. 137 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:29,623 So do I. You want to run away together? 138 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:34,595 Let me be clear, Scooter, there's no way you and I can ever be together. 139 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,172 Right now. 140 00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,608 I'll see you tomorrow, Lily. It's Tijuana Tuesday. 141 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:50,478 "Right now"? 142 00:06:52,012 --> 00:06:54,582 You "right nowed" Scooter? 143 00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:56,617 You need to let Scooter off the hook once and for all. 144 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,085 You're right. Day after tomorrow, 145 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:59,853 that's exactly what I'm gonna do. 146 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:01,121 Why not tomorrow? 147 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,691 Baby, I can't ruin Tijuana Tuesday. 148 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:10,498 Really? You're really gonna sit here all night watching the door 149 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:13,534 because Tiffany said she'll "try to stop by"? 150 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:15,803 Barney, I'm not gonna just give up on her. 151 00:07:15,836 --> 00:07:18,238 OLDER TED: I should've given up on her. 152 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,007 This girl is special. 153 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,041 She was the devil. 154 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,945 Things are gonna work out with Tiffany. 155 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,079 No, they're not, dumbass! 156 00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:31,118 Ted, let me be clear, this girl is a poison 157 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,521 and you need to cut her out of your life forever. 158 00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,790 Hey, there she is. 159 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,095 Oh, she brought some of her co-workers. 160 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:50,170 Hang on to this girl, Ted. Hang on to her and never let go! 161 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:58,579 Ted, these are some of the hottest girls I've ever seen. 162 00:07:58,612 --> 00:07:59,980 And they all work with Tiffany? 163 00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:00,948 Yep. 164 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:04,217 There can only be one explanation for this. 165 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:09,790 Ted, is Tiffany a (STUTTERS) pharmaceutical sales rep? 166 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,258 Yeah. How did you know that? 167 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,826 And you never thought to mention that? 168 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:15,896 What? It's just a job. 169 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:19,567 (EXCLAIMING) Just a... Just a... 170 00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:21,669 What? 171 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,704 Ted, throughout time, 172 00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:25,939 there has always been one cutting-edge profession 173 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,942 to which hot girls, like Tiffany, have flocked. 174 00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,110 Shall I walk you through the history? 175 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,979 I'm gonna explicitly say no. 176 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,047 It all started 2.5 million years ago. 177 00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:37,184 BARNEY: Man was a hunter. 178 00:08:37,217 --> 00:08:40,754 So the hottest profession of the day? Gatherer. 179 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,856 Homo erectus, indeed. 180 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:50,631 As man mastered technology, the hottest profession of the day evolved. 181 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,232 I'm pretty sure it's a hernia. 182 00:08:52,265 --> 00:08:52,966 Can you check again? 183 00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,340 And then man took to the skies. 184 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:03,310 And so hot women put on high heels and became stewardesses. 185 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,180 I am in the upright and locked position. 186 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:14,855 And then man said, "Life is hard. 187 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,591 "I should start taking lots of prescription drugs." 188 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,860 And so, hot girls rolled into doctors' offices, 189 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,162 looking sexy enough to render 190 00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,364 the very erection pills they peddled ironically redundant. 191 00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:27,901 So, now, pharma girls are today's hottest profession. 192 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:31,571 Hey, big brown eyes! How are you doing? 193 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,975 I'm good. 194 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,678 Hey, by the way, you ditch that loser boyfriend yet? 195 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:38,846 No, sir. 196 00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,818 Touched my nose. 197 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:49,957 Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in a pharma girl free-for-all! 198 00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:52,325 Side effects may include loss of clothing, rug burn, 199 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:54,628 shortness of breath and sore abdominals the next morning. 200 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,129 What in the world is up? 201 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:05,272 Hey, so, I know that you've been having trouble letting Scooter off the hook. 202 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,307 I decided what you need is practice. 203 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:10,143 Now, you say the problem is his cute, sad eyes? 204 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,245 Well... 205 00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,653 (EXCLAIMING) 206 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,021 All right, shut it, woman. 207 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:25,025 Now, I want you to look at this teacup pig, 208 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:27,895 and tell him that there's no way that you could ever be with him. 209 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:37,004 Teacup pig, there is no way I can ever be with you. 210 00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:41,809 Oh... 211 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,014 Right now. 212 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,716 Oh, come on, grow a pair! 213 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:52,853 I'm sorry. But he's just so freaking cute. 214 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:57,190 I just want to cuddle him all day long. Yes, I do. 215 00:10:57,224 --> 00:10:59,727 You know, it's funny, I remember when you used to say things like that about me. 216 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:01,061 Well, I still do. 217 00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:02,830 Yeah. Not as much, Lily. 218 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:05,766 Not as much. 219 00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:08,201 (BARNEY LAUGHS) 220 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:10,237 * Ain't no party like a pharma girl party 221 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:12,372 * 'Cause a pharma girl party don't stop * 222 00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:15,108 Dude, I've already hooked up with three of them. 223 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:18,178 Fantazmo. Plus, my cholesterol is down, 224 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:19,346 my Restless Leg Syndrome is cured. 225 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,114 I've never felt more alive! Ooh. 226 00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,184 Guys, great news! 227 00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,886 Tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. 228 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,254 Proof that I am not on the hook. 229 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,956 Oh, you're still on the hook. 230 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:31,859 Uh-uh. Listen to how we spent last night. 231 00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:33,861 TED: First, we cuddled. 232 00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:40,801 Then, we shared chocolate cake. 233 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,271 Then, well, I don't usually join in on locker room talk, 234 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,740 but I gave her a pretty sensual foot rub. 235 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:50,077 (INAUDIBLE) 236 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,913 And, let me guess, it didn't go any further than that. 237 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:56,316 Well, no, but... 238 00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:58,919 And, tell me, did you by any chance make that chocolate cake? 239 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,289 It was a mix. Dude. 240 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,925 There's no shame in admitting it, Ted. 241 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,860 We've all been on people's hooks, 242 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,962 and we've all kept someone on a hook. 243 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,098 Um, I most certainly have not. 244 00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,201 What? Are you joking? What? 245 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:18,038 What about that girl from the university library, Henrietta? 246 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,007 Henrietta and I are just friends. 247 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,242 Oh, she is so on your hook. 248 00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:24,111 Absolutely not! 249 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,846 OLDER TED: She totally was. 250 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,415 I mean, we cuddled. 251 00:12:28,448 --> 00:12:31,819 Ah! 252 00:12:31,852 --> 00:12:33,053 OLDER TED: We shared chocolate cake. 253 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,454 Mmm, it's good. 254 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,290 She gave me foot rubs. 255 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:39,359 Long ones. I'm not proud, kids. 256 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,996 You like having Henrietta around 257 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,132 for the same reason that Tiffany likes having you around. 258 00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,300 It's a nice little ego boost. 259 00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,503 No wonder you're such an expert about keeping people on the hook. 260 00:12:50,537 --> 00:12:52,906 What about that poor camera guy you work with? 261 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:54,174 Mike and I are just friends. 262 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,508 Come on! 263 00:12:55,542 --> 00:13:00,848 Mmm! Oh! Yeah, that's the stuff. 264 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:04,517 Robin, have you ever thought about taking us to the next level? 265 00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,820 Well, if you're talking about doing my laundry, I'm on board. 266 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:09,589 You got yourself a deal. Mmm. 267 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,826 What! I am not keeping Mike on the hook! 268 00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,962 You are Captain Hook! 269 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:19,166 Uh, dude, I'm a girl. Okay, our girl parts are like a spider web. 270 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:20,533 Sometimes you're gonna catch stuff you don't want. 271 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,237 That doesn't make it okay. 272 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,240 Oh, and Henrietta's in no way wasting her time with you, right? 273 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,542 Henrietta knows that we're just friends. 274 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:33,013 In fact, I'm gonna call her up and hang out with her tonight as friends. 275 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,448 Hey, Ted. Hey. 276 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:36,917 I love you. 277 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,852 What? Do you want a foot massage? 278 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:40,453 'Cause I've been practicing on myself. 279 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:41,554 No, I'm good. 280 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:44,024 Okay. 281 00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:45,625 I didn't know if you were hungry, so I just threw together some... 282 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,061 It's not a big deal. 283 00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,363 OLDER TED: Kids, looking back, I don't know how I didn't see 284 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,265 that Henrietta was madly in love with me. 285 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,033 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 286 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:56,970 Hello? Hey, Ted. 287 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:59,372 Hey, Tiffany. 288 00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:00,941 I'm going out of town this weekend for my friend's wedding. 289 00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:03,010 Want to be my date? 290 00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,112 I would love to. Hey, what are you doing right now? 291 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:07,114 Oh, God, no. 292 00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:09,649 Awesome. Okay, I'll see you in, like, 10 minutes? 293 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,052 Great. 294 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,622 Sorry, Henrietta. Something came up. Take a rain check, pal? 295 00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:16,890 Yeah, it's no problem. 296 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:17,557 All right. Hey, ho. 297 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,559 Oh! You're strong. 298 00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,860 OLDER TED: What a jerk! 299 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,464 Henrietta, I... 300 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,133 Wait, where did Ted go? 301 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:27,634 I thought we were finally gonna get to meet him? 302 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,603 Yeah, something came up, okay, Mom? 303 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,172 I told you there was no Ted. 304 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,473 HENRIETTA: I heard that! 305 00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,481 OLDER TED: So there I was, at one of the surest signs 306 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:43,951 of taking a relationship to the next level, 307 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,386 an out-of-town wedding. It was finally happening. 308 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,055 Champagne? 309 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:51,124 Ted! Oh, my gosh. I forgot to call you. 310 00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,360 Well, whatever it is you wanted to talk about, we can talk about it now. 311 00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,295 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 312 00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,131 Um, this is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. 313 00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,700 We just got back together. 314 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,503 You know, now that I think about it, a phone call would have been nice. 315 00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,272 You're Ted? 316 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,539 Ouch! 317 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,408 But I hear you make a mean chocolate cake. 318 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:15,215 Isn't he great? And he's in a band. 319 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,149 (SQUEALS) 320 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,152 Thanks. 321 00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,554 Come on, Lily. You have to get Scooter off the hook. Now try again. 322 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,391 Teacup pig, 323 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:27,527 I don't want to be with you. 324 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:37,404 Right now. Man up! 325 00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:40,707 Teacup pig, 326 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,012 I don't want to be with you. 327 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:51,718 Ever! 328 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,221 Finish him! 329 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,357 We will never be together in any sort of sexual way ever again! 330 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:58,658 Nice. 331 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,294 Sort of a weird thing to say to a pig. 332 00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,662 It felt really wrong. 333 00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,966 Anyway, I just don't think you and I are gonna work. 334 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:10,070 (WHISPERS) Right now. 335 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,039 OLDER TED: And that's when it hit me. 336 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:15,042 I was on the hook. I also realized... 337 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:17,410 I missed this so much, baby. 338 00:16:17,444 --> 00:16:20,580 Tiffany was on this guy's hook. It was a vicious cycle. 339 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:23,150 Henrietta was on my hook. 340 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,085 And years later, I found out this poor bastard was on Henrietta's hook. 341 00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:32,325 You know what? We're not gonna work, ever. 342 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:34,627 I'm done. 343 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,567 And it's really better for the circulation 344 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,236 if you knead the arches with your thumbs. Now I'm done. 345 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,176 Marshall, I can do this by myself. 346 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,477 Okay. Well, then, prove it. 347 00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:55,082 And grab me a pudding. 348 00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:03,556 Listen up, Scooter, there is no way you and I will ever be together. 349 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,399 MARSHALL: Right now! 350 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,302 Marshall! I'm sorry. But he's adorable. 351 00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:18,171 Listen, I don't want to be with you. 352 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:21,108 Right now. Hang in there, Scoots. I'm not gonna live forever. 353 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,512 Last night, I was with this pharma girl who was so hot 354 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:28,481 you should call a doctor if you don't have an erection for more than four hours. 355 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:31,118 Am I right, people? 356 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:33,686 Yeah, there's no people. Just the girl you most recently dated. 357 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:41,094 Hey, Barney, I want you to meet the newest pharma girl. 358 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,463 Gladys Reynolds. Nice to make your acquaintance. 359 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:47,300 I represent statins and other cholesterol-lowering drugs. 360 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,301 Come on, girl. Let's go get our drink on! 361 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:49,802 Okay. 362 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:53,340 It's over. 363 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:55,708 What's over? 364 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:59,179 Pharma girls are no longer exclusively hot chicks. 365 00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,680 It's the end of an era. 366 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:02,315 You're being a little dramatic. 367 00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,716 Am I? 368 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:06,419 It starts out with a Gladys. 369 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:09,489 Next thing you know, a few not-so-fabulous gay guys enter the ranks. 370 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:13,226 And before you know it, pharma girls look like the crew 371 00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:16,329 on a Southwest flight from Albuquerque to Little Rock. 372 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:17,464 It's over. 373 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,167 Okay. 374 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,602 OLDER TED: So that night, I went straight to Henrietta's, 375 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,604 all set to let her off the hook. 376 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:36,316 This is Jack. He's the best man at the wedding. 377 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:41,854 I'm done. 378 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:50,197 Yes! The answer is yes! 379 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:55,535 No! Oh! It gets worse. 380 00:18:55,568 --> 00:19:00,440 It's perfect! Mom, Dad! Ted proposed! 381 00:19:00,473 --> 00:19:02,675 Oh, my God! I knew this day would come! 382 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,211 Oh! Oh! 383 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,346 Son! Yeah, well... There's been a... 384 00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:10,317 No! What did you do? 385 00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:14,887 I seriously considered just marrying her out of sheer awkwardness. 386 00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:16,556 But I did what I had to do. 387 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:19,959 I did what anyone keeping someone on the hook should do. 388 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,662 I broke her heart. 389 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,598 Henrietta, I'm sorry if this is blunt, but I think I owe you this. 390 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,269 I don't want to be with you. 391 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,371 Right now? 392 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:33,540 Ever. 393 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,411 But we're still getting married, right? 394 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,514 It was brutal. 395 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:44,284 Oh. I'm sorry, buddy. 396 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:47,954 Honesty is tough, but in the end, it's the far kinder alternative. 397 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:48,655 Yeah. 398 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:50,657 Hey, sweetie. 399 00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:55,928 Hey, Mike, I have to tell you something. 400 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,367 Wait, did you finish my delicates? 401 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,535 I got one more load. Ah. It can wait. (CHUCKLES) 402 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:06,739 I... 403 00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:14,481 Hey. Hey, how's it going? 404 00:20:14,514 --> 00:20:16,749 Still in mourning over the end of the pharma girl era? 405 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:19,852 No. I realized that their reign had to end 406 00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:22,855 to make room for some new hot girl profession. 407 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:26,926 Maybe it'll be intergalactic communications officer 408 00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:30,997 on a rocket ship to some distant solar system we can't possibly imagine. 409 00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:34,567 Maybe it'll be meter maids. We just don't know. 410 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:38,538 But one thing is sure. 411 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:43,543 The future glows like a giant sun 412 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:47,347 shooting amber rays of light into our hearts and minds. 413 00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,818 Wow, what changed your mind? 414 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:55,988 The realization that hope springs eternal, Robin. 415 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,959 That and this little bottle of purple pills I found in my couch cushion. 416 00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:03,330 I don't know what they are, (LAUGHING) but they're amazing!