1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:05,439 OLDER TED: Kids, we all have different ways of dealing with nerves. 2 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:08,309 It'll just be a few more minutes, Mr. Stinson. 3 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,710 OLDER TED: Some people chew their nails. 4 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,446 Some people tap their feet. 5 00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:15,183 And some people imagine they're being interviewed by renowned sportscaster, 6 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,884 Jim Nantz. 7 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:21,122 Hello, friends. Every sport has had an icon who transcends the game. 8 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:23,657 Boxing had Ali, basketball had Jordan, 9 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:26,460 and the sport of sleeping with random hotties 10 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,097 has my next guest, Mr. Barney Stinson. 11 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,031 Barney, welcome. Thanks, Jim. 12 00:00:31,099 --> 00:00:33,101 Great to be back on the show. Good to have you with us. 13 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,569 And, you know, the stats, they really speak for themselves. 14 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,439 Over 200 women, spanning six continents, 15 00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:42,410 17 nationalities, 74 sexual positions, 16 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,079 and not a single fatty. It's impressive. 17 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,047 And with all these accomplishments though, 18 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,683 there's one laurel that's always eluded you, 19 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,686 which brings us to last week. What was the story there? 20 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,956 Buckle up, Jimbo. This one's a doozy. 21 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,926 BARNEY: It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge. 22 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,294 Oh, my God. 23 00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,630 Whoa! He's calling his shot. 24 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,099 Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, 25 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,600 that's who I'm going home with tonight. 26 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:07,801 And, 27 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:11,572 play ball! 28 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,176 Hey. Hey. 29 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:17,778 Hey. How'd the date with Dale go? 30 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:20,514 You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn-rimmed glasses 31 00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,217 and a Smurfs T-shirt, is just being ironic. 32 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:26,287 Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye 33 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,889 and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel. 34 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:32,526 Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date, 35 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,462 doesn't mean he's not husband material. 36 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,664 Sasquatch isn't fictional. 37 00:01:36,730 --> 00:01:38,199 TED: That was quick. 38 00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:44,438 So, night one was pretty routine. 39 00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:48,342 Jim, there's nothing routine about the way I get down. 40 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,944 Respect. Take us to night two. 41 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:53,981 See that hotty over there nursing a Black Russian? 42 00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,484 She's about to chase that with a white American. Up top! 43 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,889 You know, if you're not careful, you're gonna lose me. 44 00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:07,195 Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date? 45 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,462 How do you know he's gonna call? 46 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,563 (LAUGHING) 47 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,033 You're cute, Marshall, 48 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,404 but I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show. 49 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:19,640 I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me. 50 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:22,543 Well, let him down easy. People are fragile. 51 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,712 Sometimes without even meaning to, 52 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:28,616 you might rip someone's beating heart out and stomp on it 53 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:32,286 in a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant. 54 00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,021 How did school go today, Ted? 55 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,457 Something bad happened. 56 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,692 It was the first class of the new semester. 57 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:42,263 Jamie Adamic? Hi. 58 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:45,266 Brian Glowatz, Glowatz? Hi. 59 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,105 Well done. Adding a fake name to the sign-up sheet. 60 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,042 That's real original, guys. 61 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:58,912 You know, I'd expect inspired minds such as yours to be a little more mature 62 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,714 and, frankly, more creative. 63 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:02,350 I mean, seriously, 64 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,818 what kind of a fake name is Cook Pu? 65 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,587 Here. 66 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:10,190 Come on, guys. It's gotta at least sound real. Cook Pu? 67 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:13,193 Here. 68 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:16,163 Whatever happened to classics, right. You know, Seymour Butts? 69 00:03:16,230 --> 00:03:20,033 Hugh Gerection? Those were fake names. But Cook Pu? 70 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,201 (CRYING) Here. 71 00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,470 Cook Pu! 72 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,673 She's back here, bro. 73 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,110 All right, come on. Let me have it. 74 00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,079 Bring on all the Cook Pu jokes. 75 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,715 Oh, we're not gonna make jokes, Ted. 76 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,585 That girl must be really down in the dumps. 77 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,753 You really smeared the Pu name. 78 00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:42,723 You guys finished? 79 00:03:42,790 --> 00:03:44,692 Are you asking us if all the Pu is out of our system? 80 00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:50,564 Wow, back-to-back nights. Barney is on fire. 81 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,333 (SIGHING) That girl's lucky. 82 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,668 Barney was the best sex I ever had. 83 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,604 And he's the best friend I've ever had. 84 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,406 He's everything I want Marshall to be. 85 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:00,140 He's everything I wish I could be. 86 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:03,311 I'm just assuming that's what they say when I'm not around. 87 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:05,413 I buy it. You're awesome. 88 00:04:05,479 --> 00:04:08,115 Now, night three. Paint us a word picture. 89 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,618 Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, 90 00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,454 so I decided to mix things up a little bit. 91 00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:17,157 I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight. 92 00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:18,459 You're disgusting. 93 00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:20,761 Lily, they're people, too. 94 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,365 Here's your burgers. Thank you. 95 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,266 Thanks. You're welcome. 96 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:27,968 What, you're not sharing? You two always share a burger. 97 00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:29,370 No, we don't. 98 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:31,104 We're not, like, weirdos who share everything. 99 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,440 Yeah, you are. That's exactly what you are. 100 00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:34,508 We're perfectly normal! 101 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:36,810 Guys, what's going on? 102 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,112 You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends 103 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,650 ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella, 104 00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:45,218 and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria? 105 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,120 Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together? 106 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,789 How'd we end up here? 107 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:51,959 We went on a great double date last night. 108 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:55,195 We were cool. We were casual. We didn't spaz out. 109 00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:57,831 And then one tiny little detail came out 110 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,534 and the whole night was ruined. Ruined! 111 00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,203 And Joanna's toothbrush flips off the side of the sink, 112 00:05:03,270 --> 00:05:05,339 hits the ceiling and falls right into the toilet. 113 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,075 Come on. That's crazy. 114 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,378 Last week, the same thing happened to our toothbrush. 115 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:12,980 "Our" toothbrush? 116 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,948 "Our" toothbrush? 117 00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,650 "Our" toothbrush? 118 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,486 Yeah. 119 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:19,953 Like, one toothbrush? 120 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,390 That you both use? 121 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,124 Every day? 122 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,826 Is that weird? 123 00:05:25,893 --> 00:05:28,996 ALL: Super weird. 124 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,532 Marshall, four out of five dentists just threw up in their mouths. 125 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:33,233 (ROBIN SHUDDERS IN DISGUST) 126 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,370 Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl. 127 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:39,172 Wow, three girls in three nights? 128 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,974 That's gross even for Barney. 129 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,076 Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect... 130 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:46,847 Oh! (MUTTERING) Don't say it! You'll jinx it. 131 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:48,181 Jinx what? 132 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,850 I was on my way toward 133 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,352 a Perfect Week! 134 00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,702 The Perfect Week. 135 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,905 Seven nights, seven girls, zero rejections. 136 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:15,543 Incredible. I mean, it's really like the sexual equivalent 137 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,878 of baseball's perfect game. But even rarer. 138 00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:21,682 Yeah. The only player in history to have ever achieved both 139 00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:24,151 was Mustache Pete Drexel, back in 1896. 140 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:31,659 Now this wasn't the first time you'd come close to a Perfect Week. 141 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,494 You learn the hard way, though. 142 00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:36,730 One mistake, and it's all over. 143 00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:40,934 NANTZ: Sometimes, a teammate makes an error. 144 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,471 Sometimes, one wild pitch... 145 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:47,107 You, me, the canned-food aisle in the bodega next door. 146 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:49,777 ...leads to a walk. 147 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:53,146 And sometimes, you just lose focus, 148 00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,883 and it almost always leads to a hit. 149 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,451 (EXCLAIMING) 150 00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,620 But this week, you were three-for-three, 151 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:01,522 with no sign of slowing down. 152 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,057 I could do no wrong. 153 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:06,560 Wish I could say the same for my friends. 154 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,463 Cook didn't show up for class today. 155 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:12,265 I'm sorry, Cook? 156 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:15,736 Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook. 157 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:16,970 Yeah. 158 00:07:18,472 --> 00:07:19,973 Cook Pu. 159 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:22,576 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 160 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,178 Uh-oh. Here we go. The dreaded Dale call. 161 00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:28,415 Oh! It's my mom. 162 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,885 She's going through some pretty major league health stuff. 163 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,021 God, why won't that guy call? 164 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,389 Wait a minute, you want him to call? 165 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,126 No. Shut up. 166 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,962 Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something? 167 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,698 Yeah. When did you guys even start doing that anyway? 168 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,434 Like, years ago. You should know. We lived with you. 169 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,670 Yeah, but you always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. 170 00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,805 Also weird, by the way. 171 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:53,941 No, we kept it in the bathroom. 172 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:57,678 No. There was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine. 173 00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:06,587 Wait. Are you saying that for eight years, 174 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,222 all three of you shared one toothbrush? 175 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,323 Oh, my God. TED: Kill me! 176 00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,092 I love this so much! Kill me! 177 00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:20,534 So, you're through four nights. You're over the hump. 178 00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:22,302 Nice, Jim. 179 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:25,238 Hey, I try. I'm no you. 180 00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:28,508 But then came night five, and with it, trouble. 181 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:31,845 Beer here! 182 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,351 Thanks. 183 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,988 Hey, how's Barney doing tonight? 184 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,923 Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week. 185 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,357 Yeah? That's hard to believe. 186 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,859 Why? 187 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:48,361 Apparently, this big merger fell through last week, 188 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:49,930 and Barney's being blamed for it. 189 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:52,265 That's weird. He hasn't said anything. 190 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,802 Look, I work with the guy. I didn't find out until this afternoon, 191 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,637 when I walked by his boss's office. 192 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:59,006 You cost this company, Stinson! 193 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,508 MARSHALL: I've never seen Barney look that scared. 194 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,611 I think he's gonna get fired. 195 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:13,654 I can't believe Barney might get fired. 196 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:15,255 Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday 197 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:17,524 to determine whether or not he keeps his job. 198 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,727 Poor guy. He must be freaking out. 199 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,595 I'm gonna go talk to him. Wait, no! 200 00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,898 You can't distract the man in the middle of you know what! 201 00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,134 Oh, come on! This is his career! 202 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,302 This is much more important than some stupid Perfect... 203 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,570 (EXCLAIMING) 204 00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,873 Okay. 205 00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,675 You can lick my hand as long as you want. 206 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,777 I'm not gonna let you ruin his... (EXCLAIMING) 207 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:39,346 Guys, we need to talk to him. 208 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,915 I'll go. He needs a bro. 209 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:45,686 Hey, buddy. Hey. 210 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:46,920 Everything all right? 211 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,990 Absolutely. Sure. Top of the world. 212 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:53,827 (SIGHING) Who am I kidding? I need your help. 213 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,096 Anything, buddy. What is it? 214 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:56,930 (SIGHING) 215 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:02,870 Which one of these girls looks the dumbest? 216 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:06,039 All right, kid. Let's check the scouting report. 217 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,609 What about the heater? 218 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:17,084 High and outside? 219 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,825 All right. I'd go with the slider. 220 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,063 Thanks, Skip. Yo. 221 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,534 So, what'd he say? 222 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,269 Hmm? Oh! 223 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:39,606 Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there. 224 00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:42,710 You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job. 225 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,812 Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about 226 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:46,179 gonna help him? 227 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,281 How is ignoring it gonna solve anything? 228 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,884 Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade 229 00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,152 and you seem... Cook Pu! 230 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,386 Cook Pu. 231 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:54,822 Dale call yet? 232 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:56,890 No. Why are you... Guys, guys, guys, look! 233 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:02,029 Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. 234 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,064 There's something I have to ask. 235 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:07,067 Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs? 236 00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:11,338 No, sir. I respect the game too much. 237 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:14,041 Although, I can't say I haven't been offered. 238 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,744 (LILY HUMMING) 239 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,379 Dude, it was pretty awesome. 240 00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:23,383 You should try it. I have some more. 241 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:25,018 No, thanks. You sure? 242 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,021 All right. Suit yourself. 243 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:31,158 What time is it? 244 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,225 It's 8:00. 245 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:33,293 8:00? 246 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,170 I need to go to the hospital. 247 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,140 I've never touched the stuff. 248 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,376 You can test me if you want, Jim Nantz. 249 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:53,046 Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay. 250 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:56,950 Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection. 251 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,086 Honest to God. 252 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:00,320 Hey. Hey. 253 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:01,989 Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar. 254 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,792 Ted, relax. I'm already six-for-six. 255 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,726 Really? Yeah. 256 00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,862 I was lunching at Tavern on the Green. 257 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:10,998 I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel. 258 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,766 Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game 259 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,902 in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. 260 00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:17,537 Giddy-what-up. 261 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,206 (MIMICS HORSE WHINNYING) 262 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,108 (SNORTING) 263 00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:24,244 Awesome. What really happened? 264 00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:26,847 I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. 265 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:28,748 Are you happy, Truthy McGee? 266 00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,256 Barney, we know you might get fired. 267 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:39,092 Wait. You have to talk about this. 268 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,229 You are just using meaningless sex to distract yourself 269 00:12:42,295 --> 00:12:43,797 from a really serious issue. 270 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,899 It is not meaningless, okay? 271 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,568 Number five and I really connected. 272 00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:52,439 She's going back to school, or has a kid in school, 273 00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,943 something about school! 274 00:12:56,009 --> 00:12:59,179 So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class. 275 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:02,850 Oh, my God. Pu dropped out? 276 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:06,319 She is flushing her education down the toilet. 277 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,454 Any word from Dale? 278 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,689 It's only been five days. He's gonna call. 279 00:13:09,756 --> 00:13:11,925 Why do you care anyway? You said he was a total dork. 280 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,261 Do not talk about Dale that way, okay! 281 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,430 He is twice the man you will ever be! 282 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,633 And God forbid, if you can't find another job, sell your place. 283 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,235 Marshall and I have an extra room. 284 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,004 You can stay there as long as you need. 285 00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,939 Make sure you bring your own toothbrush. 286 00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:28,308 Lily, what are you doing? 287 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,443 Talking to my friend who's going through a really tough time. 288 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,412 He's doing fine. 289 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,982 Trying to sleep with seven women in seven nights 290 00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:36,616 is not doing fine. 291 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:38,351 It's a cry for help. 292 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,320 Barney's whole life is a cry for help. 293 00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,356 But you don't mess with a man when he's in the middle of a... 294 00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:44,892 What? Perfect Week? 295 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,226 (ALL GASPING) 296 00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:49,429 Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Perfect Week! Grow up! 297 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,266 (BARNEY HISSING) 298 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:56,636 Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do. 299 00:13:56,703 --> 00:14:00,340 One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids. 300 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:03,076 And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week. 301 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,277 I don't know what to tell you. 302 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,578 Lily's always messing with me. 303 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:09,149 I think she has a thing for the Barnacle. 304 00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:12,452 You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz. 305 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,255 I can't believe you jinxed him. 306 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:16,723 He doesn't stand a chance out there. 307 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,292 Okay, question. If I ruined everything, 308 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,661 why is Barney totally hitting it off 309 00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,330 with third-martini-girl over there? 310 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,234 Oh, my God! He's gonna do it. 311 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,702 Yeah. See, there is no such thing as a jinx. 312 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,504 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 313 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,007 Tell me she didn't say, "There's no such thing as a jinx." 314 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,575 Wish I could. 315 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,945 You were about to achieve something so beautiful. 316 00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,746 Well, thanks to her, 317 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,782 the only thing that could ruin a surefire hook-up 318 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,117 was about to walk through that door. 319 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:53,961 BARNEY: A member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees. 320 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,237 Lily, I'm getting my own toothbrush. 321 00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:13,780 Well, I guess that's it. Barney's streak ends at six. 322 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:17,450 What? Why? Because that guy with the weird hair just walked in? 323 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:22,289 That's Nick Swisher. He's a New York Yankee. 324 00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:25,658 No normal guy in New York City can compete with a Yankee. 325 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,128 And it doesn't even have to be a current Yankee. When I first moved here, 326 00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:30,030 I was on a fourth date with a girl I really liked, 327 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:32,399 until I got rack-jacked by Phil Rizzuto. 328 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,002 I was there. Holy cow, that guy had game. TED: Mmm-hmm. 329 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,669 No, I'm not seeing it. 330 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:40,207 Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? 331 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:43,010 How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys 332 00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,379 with the skates and the sticks walked in here? 333 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:50,383 Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, 334 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,619 my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor 335 00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:53,953 halfway to China. 336 00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,155 That's what it's like with the Yankees. 337 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:56,756 Barney's screwed. 338 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:59,326 It's happening. Look. 339 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:02,562 Hey, wanna come over and look at my snow globe collection? 340 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,131 Snow globe collection? 341 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,465 He's throwing junk out there! 342 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,969 That is Nick Swisher. 343 00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,104 (ALL GROANING) 344 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,839 Good effort. Good game. Good game. 345 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,141 Good game. Good game. 346 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,009 Not good enough. 347 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:18,411 This whole week was a waste. 348 00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,482 And tomorrow, I'm gonna get fired. 349 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:27,720 I'm really sorry, dude. 350 00:16:27,787 --> 00:16:30,690 But for what it's worth, this week wasn't a waste. 351 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,993 We were all having a really horrible week 352 00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,428 and you took our minds off it. 353 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:38,331 Yeah. I had my first student drop my class. It sucked. 354 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:40,967 I met my soul mate and he never called me back. 355 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:45,038 I mean, yet. He will. He will. 356 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:48,841 We scared off a really great couple just because we share a toothbrush. 357 00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:51,078 You share a toothbrush! 358 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,345 Well, them and Ted. 359 00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,513 What? 360 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:55,548 Wait a second. 361 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:58,418 When we were dating you borrowed that toothbrush all the time. 362 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:01,121 Oh, my God. 363 00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,790 OLDER TED: And that's when Aunt Lily realized what's great about sports. 364 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,759 They take your mind off your troubles, if only for a moment. 365 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:09,529 And deep down, we all needed that Perfect Week. 366 00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:14,534 TED: The second she sits down next to Swisher it's all over. 367 00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:21,208 Wait a minute! Aldrin's got a bead on her! 368 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:30,683 She's running out of room. She dives, and... 369 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:32,452 And I have no idea where she's going with this. 370 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,920 Oh, my God! Are you okay? 371 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,689 Yeah. Sorry, I'm such a klutz. 372 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:40,293 Oh! Thanks. (GROANING) I think I twisted my ankle. 373 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:41,728 Can you get me some ice? 374 00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,430 Of course. 375 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:47,434 Oh, my God. She did it! I guess there is no such thing as a jinx! 376 00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:55,608 Oh, I'll get you some ice, Lily. 377 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:58,044 Damn it! Swisher's back in play. 378 00:17:58,111 --> 00:17:58,945 Swisher's back in play! 379 00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:00,847 Follow me. 380 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,550 Hey, Nick Swisher, this guy and his wife share a toothbrush! 381 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:09,189 So? So, that's weird, right? 382 00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,358 Actually, I think it's kind of sweet. 383 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:14,794 In a way, aren't we all trying to find that special someone 384 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,663 to share a toothbrush with? 385 00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:19,599 Excuse me. Lily, Nick Swisher thinks we're sweet. 386 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:24,204 Martini? 387 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:27,507 We're having a beer with a New York Yankee. How cool is that! 388 00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,343 Oh! It's amazing. I totally follow baseball. 389 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:32,979 Mookie Wilson, is that a thing? 390 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:34,814 Yeah, baseball, it's amazing. 391 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,816 But I tell you one thing, it's no hockey. 392 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:42,322 I live right upstairs. 393 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,458 What do you say we go back to my place? 394 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:49,362 (CHUCKLES) Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, 395 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:53,500 but I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy. 396 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:58,571 Please. 397 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,810 I did it! 398 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,144 (ALL CHEERING) 399 00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:06,779 I did it! 400 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:14,954 Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week. 401 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,424 Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates. 402 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,526 Hey, on to a new topic. 403 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,694 Do you really think you might get fired today? 404 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:24,764 (STAMMERING) 405 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,567 Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that. 406 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,570 Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, 407 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,373 so, apparently, you do. Think about that. 408 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,809 What a jerk! 409 00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:37,677 You're a jerk. 410 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,349 Mr. Donovan will see you now. 411 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,719 Stinson, we've reached a decision. 412 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:51,691 We're keeping you on. 413 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,526 (SIGHING) 414 00:19:53,593 --> 00:19:56,229 I know this past week must've been tough on you. 415 00:19:56,296 --> 00:20:00,166 (CHUCKLES) I barely slept. 416 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:05,004 Here you go, guys, the official hat of Barney's Perfect Week. 417 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:07,640 I was gonna do shirts, but then you have to guess sizes, 418 00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:10,109 and feelings get hurt. It's a mess. 419 00:20:10,176 --> 00:20:14,681 In commemoration of Barney's induction into the Hall of Game, 420 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:18,117 this tie worn on the seventh night of his Perfect Week 421 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,852 is hereby retired. 422 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:23,189 May Barney's heroic feat be remembered and spoken of 423 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:26,493 for generations to come. 424 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,995 I'm totally gonna sit my kids down one day, 425 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,898 and tell them about the time Uncle Barney nailed seven chicks in a row. 426 00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:32,865 (ALL LAUGHING) 427 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,235 OLDER TED: Am I a bad dad? 428 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,675 Take-out order for Cook Pu. 429 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:46,178 We have a number two over here for Cook Pu. 430 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,980 You guys got Wendy saying it now? 431 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:51,751 Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name, 432 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,086 and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. 433 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:55,855 Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. 434 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:58,325 Here.