1 00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,804 OLDER TED: Kids, you never know when you're about to meet 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,673 someone really important. 3 00:00:05,706 --> 00:00:08,276 It's not like life gives you a warning. 4 00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:11,279 You just look up and there they are. 5 00:00:11,312 --> 00:00:13,347 Come on, we're going to go get trashed on the roof. 6 00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:15,416 OLDER TED: No, not that dude. 7 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:16,550 Her. 8 00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:20,454 I'm good, Boomer. 9 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:21,755 My name's not Boomer. 10 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:24,192 Oh, in my head, it is. 11 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,328 Gentlemen, I'm a faculty member, and you're under age, 12 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,764 so it's my duty to confiscate this and this and... 13 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,534 Hard lemonade? 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:36,270 You know what, Boomer? You can keep that. 15 00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,107 I swear, every week I get asked by some frat guy to a kegger, 16 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,542 and I say, "I'm a PhD candidate 17 00:00:41,575 --> 00:00:44,178 "writing a dissertation entitled 'Foreign Direct Investment 18 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:45,779 "'and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior.'" 19 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,181 (LAUGHS) 20 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:49,250 And what does frat guy say to that? 21 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:50,184 (IN DEEP VOICE) "That's hot." 22 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,552 (LAUGHS) 23 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,353 Actually, that is kind of hot. 24 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,622 (LAUGHS) 25 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:56,624 Ted, I have a confession. Hmm. 26 00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,792 I recognize you. 27 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,628 Do you remember the first day of classes last semester? 28 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:03,797 Econ 305? 29 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:06,800 OLDER TED: Kids, you remember the wrong classroom story. 30 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:10,404 I thought I was in Architecture 101, but it was Econ 305. 31 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,605 Of course, what I didn't know was 32 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,375 that your mother was somewhere in that class, 33 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,844 and she thought I was a complete idiot. 34 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,112 I thought you were a complete idiot. 35 00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:19,280 (SIGHS) 36 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:20,614 But a very cute idiot. 37 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,651 (CHUCKLES) 38 00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:27,421 So, um, do you ever date cute idiots? 39 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,522 Almost exclusively. 40 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,874 She's a PhD candidate. She reads philosophy for fun. 41 00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:50,678 She does the Sunday crossword every week and finishes it. 42 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:51,879 Ooh. BARNEY: Wow. 43 00:01:51,912 --> 00:01:54,148 Ted, I am so happy for you. 44 00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:57,385 Sorry, not for you, happy I'm not you. 45 00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:59,687 Long story short, I have a date tonight. 46 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,622 Oh, yay. 47 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,492 (CROWD CLAMORING) 48 00:02:04,525 --> 00:02:06,594 Thanks, New York, I'll try not to screw it up. 49 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,166 What's going on? There's a huge line outside MacLaren's. 50 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,835 And why is it almost entirely dudes? 51 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:17,905 Only two things could cause that kind of commotion. 52 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:18,839 Boobs. 53 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:27,915 Ladies and gentlemen, MacLaren's has hired a hot bartender. 54 00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:30,684 * Sweet cherry pie, yeah 55 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:34,355 Look at all these guys. 56 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,691 Oh, the sidewalk's going to smell like pee-pee now. 57 00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,428 Well, we'd better start looking for a new bar. 58 00:02:40,461 --> 00:02:44,665 What, are you... What... Are you crazy? It is a hot bartender. 59 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:48,602 Do you know how long I have been waiting to land a... 60 00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,373 My friends, I have been with many women in my day. 61 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:57,378 Lawyers, teachers, poets, doctors, 62 00:02:57,411 --> 00:03:00,681 professional equestrians, amateur equestrians, 63 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:04,552 a butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker... 64 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,887 Yes, we're to the rhyming section now. 65 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:11,225 A math professor, a tax assessor, a weight guesser. 66 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,927 A puppeteer, a blackjack dealer, 67 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:16,564 a stay-at-home mom... That's a job, too, guys. 68 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,731 A circuit court judge... 69 00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:18,866 Get to the point! 70 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:23,904 I have never, ever scored a hot bartender. 71 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,574 Until tonight. 72 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,842 She's really not that hot. 73 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:31,879 Oh, is someone jealous of all the attention? 74 00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,914 Did somebody fancy herself the hottest girl in the bar? 75 00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:36,850 Gosh, no. Shut up! 76 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,354 All right, wish me luck. 77 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,689 It's never going to happen. 78 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,491 Barney, she's just going to pretend to like you 79 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,993 the same way she hypnotized all these geniuses. 80 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,729 Yeah, but guess who's not going to fall under her spell? 81 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:52,533 I'm gonna be all, "Drop the act, baby doll. Daddy needs a gin and tonic." 82 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,703 Then when she brings it, I'll just spit it out and say, "Try again." 83 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:59,940 Boom! Alpha dog is right where he belongs, on top. 84 00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,310 Then after a few minutes, on the bottom. Why should I do all the work? 85 00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,314 Hi, Marshall. Hey, guys, what's happening? 86 00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:07,981 New super-hot bartender. 87 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,450 Oh, yeah? 88 00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,853 Eh. Ha! 89 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,788 See? Marshall doesn't think she's hot either. 90 00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,757 Yes, he does. 91 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:19,427 Baby, you don't have to pretend other women aren't attractive 92 00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,395 just for my sake. 93 00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:24,865 (SCOFFS) I know, and if that woman were anywhere near as hot 94 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,034 as the woman I'm married to, then I'd admit it. But she's not. 95 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,537 (GIGGLES) Baby, you're so sweet, 96 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,004 but compared to that woman, 97 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:32,706 I am a big bag of three-day-old garbage. 98 00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,745 Well, I call 'em like I see 'em, 99 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,314 and I just think you're the most beautiful woman in the world. 100 00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:41,449 See, that's just annoying. 101 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:44,852 Oh, my God, you are so funny. 102 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,086 (MUMBLES) 103 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,755 That'll be $6.75. 104 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:48,856 Here's a 50, keep the change. 105 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,558 Thank you. 106 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,362 Amateurs. Hey. 107 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:56,029 What do you want? Drop the act, baby doll... 108 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,798 Wait, what? 109 00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:59,733 Are you gonna order a drink 110 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:00,901 or are you just gonna stand there looking stupid? 111 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,637 Um... I don't know how to make an "um." 112 00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,072 Is that equal parts vodka and get-the-hell-out-of-my-face? 113 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,041 Hey, Bobby! 114 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,847 OLDER TED: Later that night, I embarked upon a very important first date. 115 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,383 How are you? Good. Come in. 116 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,618 OLDER TED: It's funny. 117 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:18,586 Sometimes you walk into a place you've never been before... 118 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:19,920 Just one sec. Sure. 119 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,088 ...but you get the feeling 120 00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,958 you're exactly where you're supposed to be. 121 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:29,397 And, kids, that's the first time I ever saw your mother's little yellow bus. 122 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:30,764 You know the one. 123 00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,065 It's right behind you. 124 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,939 Hey, this is cute. 125 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,574 Actually, it's my roommate's. 126 00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:47,715 OLDER TED: So, there I was, kids, 127 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,384 standing in your mother's apartment. 128 00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,686 Never mind the fact that I was on a date with her roommate, Cindy. 129 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,556 Sorry, I shouldn't be messing with your roommate's stuff. 130 00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:56,757 (CHUCKLES) 131 00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,792 What's she like? 132 00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:01,094 OLDER TED: I didn't know it, but I was about to hear 133 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,963 the very first description of the woman I'd one day marry. 134 00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:05,098 She's a whore. 135 00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,834 I think she's a dominatrix. 136 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,436 What? 137 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:12,072 Okay, I'm sorry, none of that is true. 138 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,874 I have a bit of a roommate complex. 139 00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:15,909 Why? 140 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,411 Guys are always falling in love with her. 141 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,112 Hey, hey, look at me. 142 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:22,516 I promise you 143 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:24,552 I am not going to fall in love with your roommate. 144 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,820 OLDER TED: Oops. 145 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,724 Okay, now that you've had a closer look, admit it. 146 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,693 That bartender is the hottest woman in this bar. 147 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,394 (COUGHS) Second hottest. 148 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,197 I repeat... 149 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,833 Eh. 150 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:43,103 (SCOFFS) Baby, how could you not want to hit that? I want to hit that. 151 00:06:43,136 --> 00:06:46,707 If you don't want to hit that, I'm sorry, but you might be gay. 152 00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,043 Hell, yeah, I'm gay. Gay for you. 153 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,079 Whatever. Did you find out why 154 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:54,982 I'm the one guy in this entire bar she seems to despise? 155 00:06:55,015 --> 00:06:57,551 I did, um, 156 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,820 you're not going to like the answer. 157 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:03,691 My last three boyfriends were Wall Street guys. Bastards. 158 00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,193 So, I vowed never again to date a guy who wears suits. 159 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,963 Huh! 160 00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,666 Okay, well, that's easy. All I have to do is stop wearing suits. 161 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,202 Oh, that's all, Barney? Come on, you're never not in a suit. 162 00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:23,143 True. But for those... I mean, for that... 163 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,212 I mean, for her, 164 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:29,650 I will stop wearing... 165 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:30,784 Wait for it. We know you're going to say "suits." 166 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,487 ...suits. 167 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,055 (MARSHALL AND LILY GASP) 168 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,591 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Cindy and I were having a lovely evening, 169 00:07:37,625 --> 00:07:40,227 except she wasn't kidding about her roommate complex. 170 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:42,062 And another weird thing about my roommate, 171 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:44,965 she does these bizarre paintings of robots playing sports. 172 00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:48,001 Yeah, that is weird. 173 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,504 OLDER TED: I was lying. That sounded awesome. 174 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,105 Your mother's robot volleyball watercolor 175 00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,774 is hanging up in the den as we speak. 176 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,276 Yeah. And she has this crazy habit 177 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,812 of making breakfast food sing show tunes. 178 00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,648 That's just bizarre. 179 00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:02,115 OLDER TED: Your mother's rendition of Memories 180 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:04,918 as performed by an English muffin is, to this day, 181 00:08:04,952 --> 00:08:06,954 the most hauntingly beautiful thing I've ever heard. 182 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:08,956 (SCOFFS) 183 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,258 Look, I'm sold. I hate this girl. 184 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:14,261 I'm sorry. 185 00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,764 Look, she's not that bad. I just get a little jealous. 186 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:20,233 I don't know why. You're awesome. 187 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,803 OLDER TED: But not as awesome as your mother. 188 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,938 And speaking of things that are less awesome, 189 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,774 your Uncle Barney had officially suited down. 190 00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:31,545 I am so sorry I misjudged you. 191 00:08:31,579 --> 00:08:33,747 If there is one type of person that I cannot stand, 192 00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:34,715 it is a man in a suit. 193 00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,283 Ugh. 194 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:38,786 That, and a woman who has no respect for herself. 195 00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,689 Ugh. Yeah. 196 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:45,058 Suits and insecure women. I hate them. 197 00:08:45,092 --> 00:08:46,694 Just hate them. 198 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,865 Hey. Hey, how was your date with Cindy? 199 00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,668 Well, last night was great, today not so much. 200 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,004 What, why? 201 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,006 I found out the school's policy 202 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,809 about students and professors dating is really strict. 203 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,977 I could lose my scholarship. 204 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,813 Yeah, but it's not like you're in my class. 205 00:09:05,846 --> 00:09:08,115 I mean, we're not even in the same department. 206 00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,017 I'm sorry, but I just can't risk it. 207 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:13,954 She's completely overreacting, right? 208 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,256 Actually, Ted, she has a point. 209 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:18,726 Yeah, and think about it. If the rules are that strict, 210 00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:21,328 you could be putting your job in jeopardy. 211 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,765 I think you got to let this one go, buddy. 212 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:28,301 Let's try this again. She's completely overreacting, right? 213 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:31,004 OLDER TED: Of course, they were right. I had to let it go. 214 00:09:31,038 --> 00:09:33,240 But as your Uncle Barney was about to find out, 215 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,809 it's not so easy to let things go. 216 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,110 (VOICES WHISPERING) 217 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,187 MALE VOICE: Suit up. 218 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:53,794 OLDER TED: Now, none of us had ever seen Barney go this long without suiting up, 219 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:56,196 and, kids, it wasn't pretty. 220 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:59,166 So sorry I'm late. I got stuck at work. 221 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,101 Yeah, today I had that presentation 222 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,236 on offshore dividend tax implications. 223 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,106 Sure, I was totally paying attention when you talked about that. 224 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,075 Right, so I fire up the PowerPoint... 225 00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,149 Um, Barney? 226 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:19,319 Barney. Huh. 227 00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:22,890 (PANTING) 228 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,235 MALE VOICE: Suit up. 229 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,822 Hey, Barney, we're going to order some food. 230 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,189 BARNEY: Okay, be out in a sec. Okay. 231 00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,193 Okay. 232 00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:02,029 (CLOTH RIPPING) 233 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,033 No. 234 00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:10,103 Out of the way! Stay with me. It's not your time. 235 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,005 OLDER TED: If anyone could fix something like this, 236 00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:15,976 it was Barney's personal tailor, TV's Tim Gunn. 237 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,747 I'm sorry, Barney. I couldn't make it work. 238 00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:21,114 (WHIMPERING) 239 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,784 So young. 240 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,386 (WHIMPERING) There's nothing else you could do? 241 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:31,091 No. But there is another suit that can use the buttons from your suit. 242 00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:34,261 That can... Like an organ donor? 243 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,797 Your suit's death could mean another suit's life. 244 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:39,900 Oh, my God. 245 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,071 Do it. 246 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,272 You're doing the right thing. 247 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,306 (CRYING) 248 00:11:49,342 --> 00:11:51,278 Please don't cry on this. 249 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,213 It's silk. (CRYING) I'm sorry. 250 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:54,982 I know. I know. 251 00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:55,783 (CRYING) 252 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,354 We cremated the remains. 253 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,424 His buttons saved the life 254 00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:06,326 of a sick little jacket on the Upper East Side. 255 00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:11,131 Well, at least now you can finally drop this quest 256 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,800 for the so-called hot bartender. 257 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,401 No. 258 00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:18,271 My suit gave its life for this cause, 259 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:21,942 and I will not rest until those... 260 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:25,813 I mean, that... I mean, she is mine. 261 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,519 He's absolutely right. 262 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:36,323 Who, the guy kissing a jar full of dead suit ashes? That guy? 263 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:38,125 What if Cindy is the woman I'm supposed to marry, 264 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,060 and I'm just giving up? 265 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,996 So long, elegant yet welcoming home in Westchester 266 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,999 with a sensible mortgage I can handle without dipping into my savings. 267 00:12:46,033 --> 00:12:49,069 Bye-bye, two kids I raised with a stern yet loving hand, 268 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,839 finding the perfect balance between father and friend. 269 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,307 Adios, triplet schnauzers, Frank, Lloyd, and Wright. 270 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,209 Ted! Ted! 271 00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:58,245 The point is, I'm not giving up, either! 272 00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:04,217 I don't know why I just did that. 273 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,256 Barney, I'm so sorry about your friend. 274 00:13:10,523 --> 00:13:12,860 Tell me about him. Huh. 275 00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,862 He was Italian. 276 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,264 Classy, elegant. 277 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,332 And boy, did he have a way with the ladies. 278 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:21,334 They just couldn't say no. 279 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,269 How old was he? Seven. 280 00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,805 (CRYING) I miss him so much! 281 00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:29,943 You shouldn't be alone tonight. 282 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,411 I'm gonna end my shift early. 283 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,183 Thank you, old friend. 284 00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:37,284 You're going out with a bang. 285 00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,890 Come on, Marshall. Just admit that she's hotter than me. 286 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,124 I won't be hurt. 287 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,325 Can't do it. 288 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,426 You're hotter. 289 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,261 She's a goddess! 290 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:51,965 Her skin glows. Her legs go for miles. 291 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,567 And that ass? I would wear that thing for a hat. 292 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,371 Last night in bed, I'll admit it, 293 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,073 she popped into my head a couple of times. 294 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,043 Whoa. What are you trip... 295 00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,177 Like, you think she's hotter than me? 296 00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,380 I never said that. 297 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,216 Oh, my God! You do. 298 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:13,086 Well, it's apples and oranges. She's younger than you. 299 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:17,257 Well, I'm just saying, like, me in my prime versus her in her prime. 300 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,192 Well... Oh, my God! 301 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,495 You guys, her hotness isn't even real! 302 00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:25,165 It's circumstantial hotness. 303 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,199 Watch. 304 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:33,273 * She's my cherry pie 305 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,909 * Cool drink of water Such a sweet surprise 306 00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:37,377 * Tastes so good 307 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,279 * Make a grown man cry Sweet cherry pie * 308 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,414 I suppose you think she's hotter than me, too. 309 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,356 What the hell are you doing? What? 310 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,924 You're not allowed back here. 311 00:14:50,958 --> 00:14:53,060 Oh, no. Uh, I... Carl, look. 312 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:56,063 (STUTTERING) No. I don't want to go back. 313 00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,298 Please, please, just don't make me go back. 314 00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,666 You got to go. Don't. I... 315 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:00,700 You got to go. I just... No, Carl. I was... 316 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,235 I was somebody back there! 317 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:04,904 Everybody loved me. 318 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,146 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 319 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,583 Hey. Hi. 320 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,585 Can we talk? 321 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,486 My roommate's just about to get out of the shower. 322 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,254 Let's talk in my room. Okay. 323 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:35,035 (SIGHS) Look, Cindy, I know the university rule book says we can't date. 324 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,404 But it also says, "Don't teach drunk," and I do that all the time. 325 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:41,341 The point is, I like you. 326 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,244 I do. You're sweet, you're funny. 327 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,613 You're writing a dissertation entitled "Foreign Direct Investment 328 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,715 "and Intergenerational Linkages in Consumption Behavior." 329 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,117 I mean, that is hot. 330 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:55,155 I know this sounds crazy, 331 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:58,191 but I feel like our paths are supposed to cross somehow. 332 00:15:58,225 --> 00:16:02,062 And I don't want to miss out on knowing you. 333 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,231 I don't want to miss out on knowing you, either. 334 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,635 Look, I got to tell you, 335 00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:10,103 I mean, just from looking around your room, 336 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,339 I can tell we have a ton in common. 337 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,473 Really? 338 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,075 The Unicorns? 339 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,610 Who Will Cut Our Hair When We're Gone? 340 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,147 I have never met anyone else who has this album. 341 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,215 That's my roommate's. I borrowed it. 342 00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,384 Oh. 343 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:27,487 Well, well, what about this? World's End by T.C. Boyle? 344 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,789 That was a birthday gift from my roommate. 345 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,091 Haven't checked it out yet. 346 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,392 Oh. 347 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,161 Oh, you should. It's a good read. 348 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,797 What about this? This is ridiculous. 349 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,600 You play bass? Seriously, ask my friends. 350 00:16:40,633 --> 00:16:44,237 I always say, "My ideal woman 351 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,206 "does not play bass," because this is clearly your roommate's. 352 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:48,275 She's in a band. 353 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,176 Damn, that's cool. 354 00:16:51,378 --> 00:16:53,780 This is unbelievable. 355 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:58,151 You just picked out the only three things in here that are my roommate's. 356 00:16:58,185 --> 00:16:59,519 So, does your roommate's band ever play shows, or... 357 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:00,553 Get out. 358 00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:05,392 OLDER TED: Kids, as you probably guessed, 359 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,026 that wasn't the night I met your mother. 360 00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:14,067 Although I think I glimpsed her foot. 361 00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:17,804 But I did get a little bit closer to meeting the woman of my dreams. 362 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:20,573 And your mom? Well, she got her yellow umbrella back. 363 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:26,713 He was just so special, you know? 364 00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,382 I feel like we should give him a moment of silence. 365 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,118 Followed by, like, 20 minutes of grunting. 366 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:36,823 I'm gonna make you feel all better. 367 00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,491 Hmm. 368 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:41,394 Let me just go freshen up. All right. 369 00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:42,529 Oh, wait. No, no, that's not the bathroom! 370 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,564 That... 371 00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:45,498 Are these yours? 372 00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:50,637 I'm suit-sitting for someone. 373 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:52,172 Barney, you lied to me. 374 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,873 (SIGHS) 375 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,576 You have to choose right now. 376 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,411 Me or the suits. 377 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,186 * I know what you're thinking What's Barney been drinking? 378 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,821 * That girl was smoking hot 379 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,657 * Yes, I could've nailed her But no, it's not a failure 380 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,492 * 'Cause there's one thing she is not 381 00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,661 * To score a ten would be just fine 382 00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,564 * But I'd rather be dressed to the nines 383 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:19,566 * It's a truth you can't refute 384 00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,638 * Nothing suits me like a suit! 385 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,476 * Picture a world Where all the boys and girls 386 00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:31,578 * Are impeccably well-dressed 387 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,880 * That delivery guy in a jacket and tie 388 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:35,748 * That puppy in a double-breast 389 00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,185 * That '80s dude with muttonchops 390 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,720 * That baby with a lollipop 391 00:18:40,753 --> 00:18:42,822 * That lady cop who's kind of cute 392 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,196 * Nothing suits them like a suit 393 00:18:49,229 --> 00:18:51,231 * Suits * A wingman I can wear 394 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,266 * Suits * They're oh, so debonair 395 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,268 * Suits * The perfect way to snare 396 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,337 * A girl with daddy issues 397 00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,772 * Suits * In navy blue or black 398 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,474 * Check out this perfect rack 399 00:19:01,508 --> 00:19:04,444 * I want to give them a squeeze 400 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,713 * Oh, really? 401 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:12,352 * Then answer these questions if you please 402 00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,559 * What would you do if you had to choose 403 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:20,827 * Between your suits and a pot of gold? 404 00:19:20,860 --> 00:19:22,895 * Suits 405 00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:23,996 * What would you say if you gave your suits away 406 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:24,864 * And in return you'd never grow old? 407 00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,032 * Suits 408 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,033 * What would you pick? One million chicks 409 00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,768 * Or a single three-piece suit? 410 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,670 * It's moot 411 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,704 * What if world peace Were within your reach? 412 00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,640 (STUTTERING) I'm gonna stop you right there. 413 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,808 It's suits. Come on, Lily, get your head out of your ass. 414 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,677 * Two, three, four 415 00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:43,583 * Girls will go and girls will come 416 00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,319 * But there's only one absolute 417 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,455 * Every bro on the go needs to know 418 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,324 * That there's no accepted substitute 419 00:19:51,358 --> 00:19:54,361 * I'm sorry, suits, let's make amends 420 00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,497 * My Sunday best are my best friends 421 00:19:57,530 --> 00:20:03,202 * Send casual Friday down the laundry chute 422 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,911 * 'Cause nothing suits the undisputed 423 00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:16,649 * Oft-saluted suitor of repute 424 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,653 * Like 425 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,656 * A 426 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:27,760 Wait for it. 427 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:34,601 * Suit 428 00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:36,603 * Nothing suits him 429 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:40,973 * Like a suit 430 00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,909 * Suit Up! Suit Up! 431 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:44,944 * Suit Up! Suit Up! 432 00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:52,018 Then again, she is pretty hot. 433 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:54,321 I choose you, baby. 434 00:20:54,354 --> 00:20:56,022 First thing tomorrow, I'm getting rid of these suits. 435 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,258 Really? Yeah. 436 00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:03,430 BARNEY: Mmm. 437 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,599 (WHISPERING) You guys are fine.