1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:04,438
OLDER TED: Kids,
back in 2009,
your Aunt Robin

2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,840
was the host
of a morning show
for local New York cable.

3
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:09,143
And it was on pretty early.
How early?

4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,511
(LOUD SNORING)

5
00:00:10,578 --> 00:00:12,346
ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.

6
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:14,048
(GRUNTING)

7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,783
OLDER TED: But then,
everything changed.
Coming up next...

8
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,085
Hey.
Hey.

9
00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:18,219
See my show?

10
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,920
Aw, I meant to watch it.

11
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:22,823
I just got
so busy with the whole
being-sound-asleep thing.

12
00:00:22,890 --> 00:00:24,792
It took all night,
eight hours down
the drain.

13
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,263
It's fine.
But get this.
After the broadcast...

14
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:32,200
Hi. Are you Robin?
Yeah.

15
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,001
I'm Don,
your new co-host.

16
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:37,705
OLDER TED: Don was Don Frank,
a seasoned veteran of no fewer

17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,574
than 38 local
morning news teams
from all over the country.

18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,376
The guy was
an industry legend.

19
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,045
Oh!

20
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,916
Wow! You are so
going to hit that.

21
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:52,286
No! I just
think we're going to be
great together on the air.

22
00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:54,922
And on the sofa and on the
bed and on the coffee table.

23
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,724
All right, all right.

24
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,926
I'm gonna go up on the roof
and stand there by myself
for five minutes.

25
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,928
Have fun.

26
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:05,533
OLDER TED: And that's
exactly what she did.
She just stood there.

27
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:07,701
All right, kids,
I'm gonna level with you.

28
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,670
That's not
what she did.
Here's what she did.

29
00:01:09,737 --> 00:01:11,372
All right, all right.

30
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:13,006
(GRUNTING) I'm going
to go have a cigarette.

31
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,308
What?
What?

32
00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:17,077
OLDER TED:
I promised her
I'd never tell you this,

33
00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:20,481
but once upon a time, your
Aunt Robin did enjoy the
occasional cigarette,

34
00:01:20,548 --> 00:01:25,286
and occasionally that
occasional cigarette was
more than just occasional.

35
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,259
I just left something
like this in my apartment.

36
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:33,527
Robin, come on,
take it to the roof.

37
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,163
We said
no smoking in
the apartment

38
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,365
after you torched the
throw rug doing push-ups.

39
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,000
All right,
all right,
all right.

40
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:43,904
Yeah, Robin. I mean, God,
not only is that
a filthy habit,

41
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,139
but also,
can I bum one?

42
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,607
Sure.

43
00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:47,708
What?
What?

44
00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:03,991
OLDER TED: Kids, your
Uncle Marshall definitely
doesn't want you to know this,

45
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,859
but he also
smoked off and on.

46
00:02:05,926 --> 00:02:07,961
It all started
when he was 13,

47
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:09,563
on a camping
trip in Minnesota.

48
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,031
Come on,
Marshall, let's celebrate.

49
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,233
It's summer vacation.

50
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:16,670
Okay, but just one.

51
00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:19,273
This is my first
and last cigarette ever.

52
00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:22,576
OLDER TED: And that
was the first of many,
many last cigarettes ever.

53
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:26,280
That's it.
I am done, I am out.

54
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:29,650
Last... Cigarette... Ev-arr!

55
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,419
OLDER TED:
So, by that point,
I'd heard it all before.

56
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,521
Last cigarette ever.

57
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:36,490
What are you doing?
You haven't smoked
in six months.

58
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:39,126
Is this about the McRib?
It's gone, dude. Let it go.

59
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,362
I'm worried about work, okay?

60
00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:43,631
They just hired a new
head of the legal department,

61
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,866
and he's going to
be letting people go.

62
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,034
So that's why
you're worried?

63
00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:51,205
The new head of the legal
department is Arthur Hobbs.

64
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:54,908
As in Artillery Arthur?
As in your former boss?

65
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,844
OLDER TED:
Arthur Hobbs was
the meanest boss

66
00:02:56,910 --> 00:02:59,213
Marshall or anyone
else had ever had.

67
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,082
The last time
Marshall worked for
him, it ended like this.

68
00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:04,485
I quit!

69
00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,920
Yikes. So, does he
hold it against you?

70
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,556
Worse.

71
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:09,657
I'm sorry,
who are you?

72
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,526
I'm Marshall Eriksen.

73
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,197
Um, we had a fairly
intense screaming match.

74
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:18,632
No.

75
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,201
Wherein I suggested
that you take your head

76
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:24,738
and store it
within yourself

77
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,874
in a fashion that,
well, while space-saving

78
00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,443
might limit its
exposure to sunshine.

79
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:32,380
Well, that describes
95% of my employees

80
00:03:32,446 --> 00:03:35,316
and everyone in my family,
except for my dog.

81
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,718
He's such a good boy.

82
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:44,325
Well, I'll see you later,
Randall Wilkerson.

83
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,793
Marshall Eriksen.

84
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:46,994
Gary Dinkersfield, right.

85
00:03:49,096 --> 00:03:50,163
Great, he doesn't
remember you.

86
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,699
Not great.

87
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,133
Arthur Hobbs
hating Marshall,
that's no big deal.

88
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,702
He hates everyone.

89
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,670
It's the people
he doesn't know
that he cuts loose.

90
00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,607
He just fired
What's-His-Face.

91
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,108
He fired
What's-His-Face, Ted,

92
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:03,777
and What's-His-Face
was invaluable.

93
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:04,978
Look, I can understand
you getting upset,

94
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,880
but it's not worth
killing yourself over.

95
00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,950
Yeah, wait till
you get laid off,
then kill yourself.

96
00:04:10,017 --> 00:04:11,452
Like What's-His-Face.

97
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:14,455
Although I guess now it's
more like Where's-His-Face.

98
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,025
Look, it was just
two cigarettes, okay?

99
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,927
I can handle two.

100
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,363
As long as I don't
have three within
24 hours,

101
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,031
then I'm not going
to get hooked again.

102
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,133
What's Lily going to say
when she finds out you smoked?

103
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:28,168
Lily's not going to find out.

104
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:29,837
I have a system.

105
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:31,372
OLDER TED:
Ah, yes, Marshall's system.

106
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:46,720
Hey, Lil.
You smoked.

107
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,822
Damn it!

108
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,791
OLDER TED: The next morning,
your Aunt Robin was thrilled

109
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,260
to be finally going on
the air with a real pro.

110
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:56,364
In three, two, one...

111
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,865
Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

112
00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,834
And I am Don Frank.

113
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:04,171
Two teens were
arrested late last night
for stealing a police cart.

114
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:07,140
No, I'm sorry, not
a police cart,
a police car.

115
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:08,676
(LAUGHING) Screw it.
Brain fart.

116
00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,879
Don't you hate those?

117
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,515
Look at that,
the teleprompter's
still running.

118
00:05:14,582 --> 00:05:17,785
Something about a woman
giving birth on an uptown bus.

119
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,720
Well, no point in
jumping in halfway.

120
00:05:19,787 --> 00:05:21,021
I'll just wait
till it's done.

121
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:21,955
(GIGGLING NERVOUSLY)

122
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:27,160
And she
cut the cord
with a Metro Pass.

123
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,095
We'll be right back.

124
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,663
And we're clear.

125
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,866
What the hell was that?
Don, you said "brain fart."

126
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,602
Look, Robin,
you seem like a nice kid,

127
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,904
but this is my 39th
local news show, okay?

128
00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:38,806
And in that time,
I've learned three things:

129
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,041
avoid the all-you-can-eat
sushi buffet in Bismarck,

130
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,944
do not go to the bathroom
with your lapel mic still on,

131
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:46,814
and three, at this hour,
your entire viewing audience

132
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:50,150
is one half-drunk slob
sitting in his
underwear, so...

133
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,853
MIKE: Back in five, four...

134
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,623
Well, let's
do a great show for
that half-drunk slob.

135
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:58,526
Well, that half-drunk
slob appreciates it.

136
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:01,361
OLDER TED: The next day,
Marshall found himself
craving a cigarette.

137
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,732
It was driving him crazy,
so he decided to get
some fresh air.

138
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:10,103
Oh, no. You're not
up here to jump,
are you?

139
00:06:10,170 --> 00:06:11,371
No, no, no, no.

140
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,140
I fired a lot
of people today.

141
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,975
I don't
need another
jumper in my file.

142
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:15,743
(CHUCKLING)

143
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:17,745
Oh, uh, cigarette?

144
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,915
No. No, thank you.

145
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,651
That's too bad.

146
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,753
You know what
I miss, Jeffrey?

147
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:27,755
Getting to know
somebody over a smoke.

148
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,758
People are so
interchangeable now,

149
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:34,462
but you share a butt with
somebody, you got a real bond.

150
00:06:37,465 --> 00:06:39,232
You know what?
I will take one.

151
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,235
Okay.
Thank you.

152
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,305
I'm Marshall, by the way.
It's Marshall,
Marshall Eriksen. Yeah.

153
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:47,641
Tell me something,
Marshall Eriksen.

154
00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:52,780
How would you
like to see a picture of
the cutest dog in the world?

155
00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:55,015
There he is.
He's a good boy.

156
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,755
Hey.
You smoked.

157
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:05,759
Yes, I smoked, and it
was my third of the day.

158
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,195
You know what that means?
I'm a smoker now.
It's all over.

159
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:11,699
I even bought a pack on the
way home and a lighter and
a Vikings lamp,

160
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,000
which has nothing
to do with anything,

161
00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,067
but I saw it in
the window and
I liked it.

162
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,869
Damn it, Marshall.

163
00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:19,640
We already have four
Vikings lamps and
smoking kills.

164
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,609
It was a way to
bond with my boss, okay?

165
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,477
You should have
seen me up there.

166
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,646
That is a cute dog.
Yeah.

167
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,515
Are those your kids?
Yeah, yeah, whatever.

168
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:29,883
Hey, look what
I got at the mall.

169
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,221
(CHUCKLING)

170
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,157
There he is. There he is.
Go ahead, you can pet him now.

171
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,259
No.

172
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:40,661
Yeah, yeah, come on,
he likes it.

173
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,964
Scratch him
under the chin.

174
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:44,998
(BARKS)

175
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,366
(LAUGHING)

176
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,101
I don't care
what your reasons are.

177
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,337
You know how I
feel about smoking.

178
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,972
Now, give me the cigarettes.

179
00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,210
And the lighter.

180
00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:10,157
Ah! That's the stuff.

181
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,159
What?
What?

182
00:08:12,225 --> 00:08:13,861
OLDER TED: Oh, yeah,
add your Aunt Lily
to the list.

183
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,929
Whenever Uncle Marshall
fell off the wagon,

184
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,965
your Aunt Lily got dragged
right down with him.

185
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,934
What you doing?

186
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,070
(SIGHING) If you must know,
I am reaching out to City Hall

187
00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,872
to try to get the mayor
on our show.

188
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:28,108
Oh, my goodness,
you are adorable,

189
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,811
but the
mayor's not coming
on a show nobody watches.

190
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,714
My colonoscopy had
more viewers than
this show.

191
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,549
At least that had
some twists and turns.

192
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:37,985
Okay, you know,
I don't know why
you're acting like this.

193
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,688
I mean, maybe you're just
bitter because you never
had a shot at a network job,

194
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,723
but I think I still do,
so I really need to focus.

195
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:44,024
I've been on a network.

196
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,228
You were on a network?

197
00:08:48,295 --> 00:08:51,999
It was
the best Labor Day
weekend of my life.

198
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,635
When you do the news,
you're in these
ergonomic chairs.

199
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,904
It feels like
you're sitting on a cloud.

200
00:08:56,970 --> 00:08:59,573
Which was nice
'cause it was right
after my colonoscopy.

201
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,408
And the dressing rooms... Oh.

202
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:02,943
There's dressing rooms?

203
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,246
You bet your sweet headset
there's dressing rooms, Mike.

204
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:09,049
No changing
in the KFC bathroom
across the street. No, sir.

205
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:13,520
It was heaven.

206
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,288
But the second
you get used to it,

207
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:17,490
they go find
someone who isn't "going
through a bitter divorce"

208
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,227
and doesn't "reek of gin,"

209
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,630
and before you know it,
you're stuck in
a dead-end gig,

210
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,531
surrounded by
people going nowhere,

211
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,066
doing the news in
your tighty whities.

212
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:31,739
Okay, the underwear
thing was your choice,

213
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,040
and I don't like
that it's catching on.

214
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:36,610
Ah! Looking good, fellows.
Feels good, right?

215
00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:39,412
God, I want to kill him.
Of course people watch
the show.

216
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:44,151
You guys watch the show,
that's, like, two right there.

217
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:47,955
Oh, my God.
You guys still
haven't seen my show.

218
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,457
What? We never miss it.
We've seen it!

219
00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,325
Really? What color is the set?

220
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:55,462
(BOTH STUTTERING)

221
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,564
It's black.
Right. Yeah.

222
00:09:57,631 --> 00:09:59,933
With, like,
silver around the edges.
Uh-huh. Yeah.

223
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,135
Not your TV set,
my show set.

224
00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:04,638
BOTH: Oh!

225
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:07,040
God, if I can't even get
my best friends to watch,
who's going to watch?

226
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:11,178
Lots of people.
You got bedridden insomniacs.

227
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:14,347
Bums camping outside
a department store.

228
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:17,718
People waiting in the ER,
where the TV is in a cage,

229
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,252
so you can't
change the channel.

230
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,155
Do you have any stalkers?

231
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:26,526
Yeah, but
even Leonard
won't watch my show.

232
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:29,629
I can't believe those guys
are smoking out there.
It's freezing out.

233
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:33,133
Remember when you used
to be able to smoke
in bars?

234
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:36,870
TED: Hey, dude.
I think that hot girl
over there's smiling at me.

235
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,239
BARNEY: That's a chair.
But yeah, dude, hit that.

236
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:41,374
MARSHALL: Guys?

237
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,677
Marco!

238
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,879
TED: Polo!
BARNEY: Polo!

239
00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:50,283
Well, it's dividing our group
into smokers and non-smokers.
And that's not healthy.

240
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,351
You're right.

241
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:54,554
Let's go have a smoke.

242
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:55,823
What?
What?

243
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:57,925
OLDER TED: Yeah,
I'm not proud of it.

244
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:01,294
Look at you two. Smokers.
Just like the rest of us.

245
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:05,933
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

246
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:10,804
I am not a smoker.
I only smoke in
certain situations:

247
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:15,776
post-coital,
when I'm with Germans...
Sometimes those two overlap.

248
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,779
...coital, birthdays,
to annoy my mom,

249
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:22,916
pre-coital,
on a sailboat,

250
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,552
the day the Mets
are mathematically
eliminated every year,

251
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:29,890
and, of course, wait for it,
'cause Lord knows I have,
pregnancy scares.

252
00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:32,525
Why are you
smoking right now?

253
00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:35,062
I'm always pre-coital, Ted.

254
00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:37,130
You know, maybe
smoking's not so bad.

255
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:40,400
I mean,
at least it gets us
out in the fresh air.

256
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,335
Yeah, and
all the coughing
really works my abs.

257
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:45,538
I... (COUGHS) Am...
(COUGHS) Ripped!

258
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:47,140
(COUGHING VIOLENTLY)

259
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,475
OLDER TED:
But as glamorous as it was,

260
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,243
within a week
we all hit our
breaking point.

261
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,478
(COUGHING)

262
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,682
You okay, sweetie?

263
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,717
(IN RASPY VOICE) Actually,
baby, my throat's a bit sore.

264
00:12:09,797 --> 00:12:10,931
(PANTING)

265
00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,703
(SCREAMING)

266
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,807
So, I'm whapping
him across the nose
with the newspaper, right?

267
00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,508
And my wife says,

268
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,476
"Come on,
you can't treat
your son like that."

269
00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,711
I don't know.

270
00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,213
(EXCLAIMS)

271
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,380
(GRUNTING)

272
00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:28,816
Michael, call 911.

273
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:33,086
Oh, my God.
Okay, yes, yeah, right away.

274
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,621
It's Marshall, by the way.

275
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:35,488
(ARTHUR SHOUTS)

276
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,930
Oh, my God.
I hope Arthur's okay.

277
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:44,832
Dibs on his office
if he's not.

278
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,399
We have to
quit smoking.

279
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,568
(IN RASPY VOICE)
Honey, you said a mouthful.

280
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,570
I wish I had never started.

281
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:53,974
I mean, I think back
to myself at 13 years old.

282
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,843
If I could only go
back to that moment...

283
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,985
I hate that
little bastard.

284
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,820
(IN RASPY VOICE) Me, too.

285
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,990
Okay, that's it. Let's quit.

286
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,191
Let's. Let's do it.

287
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,827
Well, I am proud of you guys.

288
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:18,465
I have heard how difficult
it is for smokers, like
yourself, to quit,

289
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:22,569
so, on behalf of non-smokers,
I salute you, and I am here
to help.

290
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,206
So, hand in your cigarettes,
and I will get rid of them,
one at a time.

291
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:28,075
(IN RASPY VOICE)
You're quitting, dollface.

292
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,210
I know
I don't normally
call you "dollface,"

293
00:13:30,277 --> 00:13:32,279
but it kind of
works in this voice.

294
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:33,580
Dollface.

295
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,515
Hey, guys.
Hey.

296
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,484
I was just wondering,

297
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:42,022
is anyone else interviewing
the mayor tomorrow on TV,
or is it just me?

298
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:44,091
Hey, that's great.
Hey.

299
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,459
Yeah, Don can suck it,
while I suck this.

300
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,261
Light me, Marshall.

301
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,398
Actually, we've decided that
we're all quitting smoking.

302
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:52,966
That's fantastic.

303
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,868
I'm sick of you guys
bumming my cigarettes.

304
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,837
No, come on, Robin.
We can't do it unless
we all do it together.

305
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,506
No.

306
00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:00,941
You can sleep with Marshall.

307
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:03,143
Oh, God, Lily, no.

308
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,945
Sorry, baby,
you got to take
one for the team.

309
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:07,114
I don't want to
sleep with Marshall.

310
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,682
I've seen the looks.
Right.

311
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:12,619
I can't quit right now.
Not before the biggest
interview of my life.

312
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,853
It's too stressful.

313
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,222
It's too stressful!

314
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,623
Just have one more.
Give me a cigarette!

315
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,126
No, wait! Robin, Robin,
think about this for
a second.

316
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,761
Bloomberg is
the anti-smoking mayor.

317
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:24,397
Do you really want to show up
to that interview smelling
like smoke?

318
00:14:24,464 --> 00:14:27,267
It'd be like interviewing
a vegetarian smelling
like a McRib.

319
00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:30,270
Really? Like I'm not going
through enough right now?

320
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:34,074
Look, you're quitting.
We're all quitting.

321
00:14:35,943 --> 00:14:38,178
Fine. I'll quit.
Great. Great.

322
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,980
We just have
to get through
the first 24 hours.

323
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:43,483
After that,
it's a cakewalk.

324
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,086
(IN RASPY VOICE)
Barney, do you have
to bite your nails so loud?

325
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,055
I'm not biting my nails.

326
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:50,490
I'm trying to suck
the leftover nicotine
out of my fingertips.

327
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,192
Marshall, can you
pass the onion rings?

328
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:54,594
What, you
got dinosaur arms?
They're right here.

329
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,429
What do you
think cigarettes
are doing right now?

330
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,765
You think they're
thinking about us?

331
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:02,035
Dude, if you don't stop
tapping your foot, it's
coming off.

332
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:05,272
Oh, my God,
Ted, I'm so sorry.

333
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,975
Maybe I should move it
a little bit closer to
your ass!

334
00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:10,243
I am ready to
do this right now!
Ted, I...

335
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:12,312
OLDER TED: None of us knew
what we were fighting about.

336
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,147
We just knew
we wanted to smoke,

337
00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:15,983
more than anything
in the world.

338
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,087
(MARSHALL GRUNTING)

339
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:25,025
OLDER TED:
It wasn't going very
well for Robin, either.

340
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:26,893
Sorry I'm late.

341
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,296
Someone used
the microwave, and
the elevator stopped.

342
00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:32,499
What are you doing?

343
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,034
Okay, Don. Don,
seriously, not tonight.

344
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,868
Okay, I'm a little bit
on edge

345
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,770
because I quit smoking
for my interview with
the mayor, so just...

346
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:42,342
Oh! Oh,
you precious little
porcelain unicorn, you.

347
00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:43,676
(CHUCKLES) Why
would you do that?

348
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,013
Why?

349
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,515
Because I care, Don.

350
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:52,285
I care about the show,
I care about my career.

351
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:56,556
Unlike you,
you unprofessional jerk!
You're sloppy, you're rude,

352
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:58,691
and I wish you worked
half as hard

353
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:01,428
as the elastic on those
stretched-out underpants.

354
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:02,996
(SIGHS)

355
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,631
I'm starting to feel
like this is getting
a little personal.

356
00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:07,100
No, Don, it would be
getting personal if
I would say

357
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:09,436
that the
reason you bounce
from market to market

358
00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:13,306
is because
you're a loser.
A lazy, obnoxious loser.

359
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,079
The mayor canceled.

360
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:22,715
In five, four,
three, two...

361
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,488
Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.

362
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:31,924
You think I'm a loser?
You're right. I'm a loser.

363
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,493
But at least
I've accepted it.

364
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:36,029
A plucky raccoon has
been cheering up patients

365
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,930
at a local
senior center.

366
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:41,634
I used to be just like that.
Always wanting more and
never getting it.

367
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,471
It's a dead end, Robin.

368
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:47,140
You're never going
to be a network anchor.

369
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,509
Just like you're never
going to quit smoking.

370
00:16:49,576 --> 00:16:51,778
What are you doing?

371
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:53,946
I'm enjoying a cigarette.

372
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,515
Oh! That'll get you there.

373
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,418
That's good.

374
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,653
You want a drag?
Can we be professionals?

375
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,021
Please?

376
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,590
(LAUGHING)
Yeah. Professionals?

377
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:06,693
You know who's working
the camera right now?
A chair.

378
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:09,496
We're on a show
where we can't even
get the cameraman to watch.

379
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,298
That's why the mayor
canceled, Robin.

380
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,833
And that's why Mike is
on a fried chicken run.

381
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:17,137
And that's why you and I can
enjoy a cigarette right here
on the air.

382
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,006
No, thank you.

383
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,841
Why?

384
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:24,411
Because of
our millions and millions
of impressionable viewers?

385
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:28,181
Okay. If any
impressionable viewers
have a problem with this,

386
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,251
please give us a call.
The number's on the screen.

387
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:36,423
Chirp, chirp?
Chirp, chirp?

388
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:38,825
Come on, Robin,
live a little.

389
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,804
(PHONE RINGING)

390
00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,974
Oh, that must be Mike.
He always forgets,
extra crispy. Hello?

391
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:55,808
Robin, don't smoke
that cigarette!

392
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:58,077
Marshall?

393
00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,280
We're all watching
and we're all
very impressionable.

394
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:03,583
And I swear to God, if
you smoke that cigarette,
we're all going to smoke.

395
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,688
You guys are watching?

396
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,724
(IN RASPY VOICE) We sure are,
sweetheart, and you look
fabulous.

397
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,693
Oh, you guys.

398
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,895
You don't
have to do this, Robin.
You don't have to smoke.

399
00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:18,765
Resist it, honey.

400
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:20,167
Thanks for the call, guys.

401
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:22,835
(GASPS)

402
00:18:22,902 --> 00:18:24,070
(ALL CHEERING)

403
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,905
She did it!
Good for her.

404
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:27,707
We're not going to smoke.

405
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,845
I have a pack
stashed up on the roof.

406
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:38,818
(BARNEY EXCLAIMING)

407
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,221
I'm awake.
And I'm smoking!

408
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:44,191
Robin, you know
how dangerous it is
to wake a sleep-smoker?

409
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,159
Dear God.

410
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,461
It's fine. I bought
a pack on my way home.

411
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,299
Hey, great show, Robin.
Yeah.

412
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,601
Yeah, but that Don guy,
what a tool.

413
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,270
Well, no,
he actually
apologized to me.

414
00:18:57,337 --> 00:19:00,907
No, I mean when he stood up.
Those briefs were
pretty revealing.

415
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,309
You should
date that guy.

416
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:04,944
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Not in this lifetime.

417
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:08,147
OLDER TED: They were dating
within three months,
but more on that later.

418
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,916
Hey, guys, look,
the sun's coming up.

419
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:16,223
You know
what right now is
a perfect time for?

420
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,591
A last cigarette ever.

421
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,361
No, I mean,
a real last cigarette ever.

422
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,165
Damn it, let's do it.

423
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,669
Okay.

424
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:35,074
All right.
Last cigarette ever
on the count of three.

425
00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:36,809
One...
...two...

426
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,945
...three.

427
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,847
OLDER TED: We all quit
for a while after that,

428
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,683
but it wasn't
anyone's last cigarette.

429
00:19:43,750 --> 00:19:46,319
We did eventually all
quit smoking for real.

430
00:19:46,386 --> 00:19:48,721
Robin's last cigarette
was in June, 2013.

431
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:52,959
Barney's last cigarette
was in March, 2017.

432
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,895
Lily's last cigarette
was the day

433
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,398
she started
trying to get pregnant.

434
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:02,802
And Marshall's last cigarette
was the day his son was born.

435
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:05,938
And my last cigarette?
Two weeks into dating
your mother.

436
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,808
And I never looked back.

437
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,284
(MARSHALL EXHALES)

438
00:20:21,087 --> 00:20:22,855
I'm sorry I hit you, buddy.

439
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:25,958
I wanted to make it up to you
by giving you this.

440
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,529
Wow, she's hot!

441
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:32,965
Yeah. Well, some day,
you're going to marry her.

442
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,967
No way.

443
00:20:35,034 --> 00:20:36,303
We're pretty lucky.

444
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:37,837
Totally.

445
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:42,542
I'll be in my tent.

446
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:46,245
Oh, no.
Wait, hey! No,
don't do that.

447
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:50,617
Well...

448
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,520
Have fun for me.