1
00:00:04,605 --> 00:00:07,075
OLDER TED:
Kids, the secret to
dating is very simple.

2
00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,343
Be confident,
be comfortable
in your skin,

3
00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:11,645
be assured of who you are.

4
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,981
Uncle Barney
was really good
at that last one,

5
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:17,285
even though
a lot of the time, who
he was was someone else.

6
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:22,590
Hi. You see that guy
over there in the scuba suit?

7
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:25,993
You thinking of
going and talking to him?

8
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,028
No.

9
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:31,165
Good. He's seriously
the biggest jerk on
the face of the Earth.

10
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:34,135
How do you know him?
He's one of my best friends.

11
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,003
So, what's with
the scuba suit?

12
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,971
Well, it's a long story.

13
00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,208
See, he just went
through a breakup.

14
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,642
OLDER TED: There's two
basic philosophies of

15
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,711
how to
handle yourself
after a breakup.

16
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,346
Some people throw
themselves into...

17
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:48,149
My career.
That's my number
one focus right now.

18
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:51,485
From now on,
no more dating.
It's all about work.

19
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,121
OLDER TED: While others
throw themselves into...

20
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,856
Every woman in New York City.

21
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,726
That's right,
Barney Stinson is
back on the market.

22
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,328
Mothers, lock up
your daughters.

23
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,131
Daughters, lock up
your Milswancas.

24
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,733
"Milswancas"?
Wait, I can get this.

25
00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:08,302
"Mothers I'd
Like to Sleep With
and Never Call Again."

26
00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:10,404
Correct. Circle
gets the square.

27
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:13,407
Don't you think you're
kind of rushing back
into this?

28
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:17,010
Lily, since
I started dating Robin,
there's a certain thing

29
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:18,979
I haven't used as
much as I would like to.

30
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:21,315
It's kind of big,

31
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,517
surprisingly heavy,

32
00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,052
kind of leathery,

33
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,521
and it's black.
Huh?

34
00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:31,825
This, my friends,
is The Playbook.

35
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:53,481
The Playbook contains
every scam, con, hustle,
hoodwink, gambit, flimflam,

36
00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:57,084
stratagem and bamboozle I've
ever used, or ever hoped
to use,

37
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,521
to pick up chicks
and give them the
business.

38
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:03,557
Wow. You wrote
another book? It's...

39
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:05,993
We got a Stephen King
over here.

40
00:02:08,362 --> 00:02:10,298
It's all in here.

41
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:13,567
Everything from
basic moves, like
"The Don't Drink That."

42
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,872
Whoa, whoa! Don't drink that!
I saw some guys slip
something in there.

43
00:02:18,906 --> 00:02:20,874
What? Who?

44
00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:22,743
Uh... That guy.

45
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:26,714
(TED GRUNTING)

46
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,182
Thank you.

47
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,554
To more
advanced maneuvers,
like "The Mrs. Stinsfire."

48
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,492
Now, Kappas, after
our disciplinary hearing

49
00:02:38,526 --> 00:02:40,828
for lewd behavior
last semester,

50
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:43,130
we have
been assigned
a new house mom.

51
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,966
I'd like you to
meet Mrs. Stinsfire.

52
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,001
Hello, girls!

53
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,008
Wow! I can't
picture a way
that wouldn't work.

54
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:58,912
What's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?

55
00:02:58,946 --> 00:03:01,048
I'm glad you asked.

56
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:04,485
"The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn" will be
my grand return to the stage.

57
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,454
Or, you know, the bed.

58
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,556
Actually, my bed
is kind of on a stage.

59
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,057
I put a platform underneath,

60
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,459
I got
some lights going.
It's a real production.

61
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,260
Barney exits!

62
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,163
So how about you, Robin?
You getting back out there?

63
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,632
Where's your Playbook?
My Playbook?

64
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:22,169
Bro, two-volume set,
right here.

65
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,804
It's a great read, actually.

66
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,739
Yeah, I'm reading it
right now.

67
00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:27,841
Anyway, I told you already.
I'm taking a break from
all that.

68
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,210
Mmm-hmm. Marshall,
it's totally gonna happen.

69
00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,679
It's so gonna happen.

70
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,247
What's gonna happen?
You're gonna fall in love.

71
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:35,483
So soon.
(LAUGHS) Not likely.

72
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:37,818
I'm focusing on my career.
I'm done with dating.

73
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,288
Oh, oh! Okay,
we're playing
the Pyramid, okay.

74
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,456
Things people say right
before they meet the
love of their life.

75
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:46,494
Oh! Kelly Harris, girl
I went to law school
with, said,

76
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:49,563
"Hey, law school's so hard.
I just wanna focus on
my studies."

77
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:50,998
Six months later...

78
00:03:51,031 --> 00:03:53,066
(MARSHALL READING)

79
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,902
Well, that's all
well and good
for Kelly.

80
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,236
Travis Frenchroy,
backup bartender,
tells me...

81
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,038
I'm so over
the whole dating game.

82
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,741
I just wanna focus
on my Star Trek
fan fiction.

83
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:02,310
Six months later...

84
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,244
(TED READING)

85
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,213
May I respond?
Mmm-hmm.

86
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:07,648
Well, that's all
well and good for them.

87
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:11,251
Matthew Blitz, accountant
in my office, says...

88
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,487
Oh, I'm gonna die single
and alone.

89
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,856
I might
as well just focus
on this year's taxes.

90
00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:16,990
Six months later...

91
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,492
(MARSHALL READING)

92
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,698
Protest all you want,
but it's gonna happen.

93
00:04:24,732 --> 00:04:27,735
It's a law of nature.
Lawyered, of nature.

94
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,003
Believe me, I'd love to have
no interest in a relationship.

95
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,806
There's no way
I'd be single right now
if I wanted to be single.

96
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,642
Okay. Now you're ready.

97
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,243
Ready for what?

98
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,646
Three years ago, this girl,
Shelly, started teaching
at my school.

99
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:42,350
The moment
I saw her, I was like,
"This is the girl for Ted."

100
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,651
Why am I just
hearing about her now?

101
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,653
Ah.

102
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:49,156
You know, I usually hate being
set up, but this Ted just
sounds so great.

103
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:52,793
Oh, he is.
He's so sweet and
thoughtful and intelligent.

104
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:53,994
MARSHALL:
Come on, buddy!

105
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,896
One more
chicken finger and
the crown is yours!

106
00:04:57,998 --> 00:04:59,833
Mmm. I don't
see him anywhere.

107
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,802
He must be out
doing charity work.

108
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,371
So, different bar?

109
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,374
(MUMBLING)

110
00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:10,077
Oh, yeah.
She was cute.

111
00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,580
Yeah. Still is.
And now you're ready.

112
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:14,147
Yeah, bro.
Now you can fit, like,

113
00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:15,749
three times as many
chicken fingers in
your mouth.

114
00:05:15,783 --> 00:05:17,651
You know it.
Okay. I will set it up.

115
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,220
But promise me you
won't do anything stupid.

116
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:23,691
I promise, I won't
do anything stupid.

117
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:27,194
OLDER TED: And I kept that
promise, but only because

118
00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:29,229
she never showed up.

119
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,567
I know, I'm sorry.

120
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,235
I feel terrible.
You should feel terrible.

121
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:36,870
I do feel terrible.
You should.

122
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:37,905
I do.
You should!

123
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,907
I do. I do.
You should.

124
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:41,909
I don't.

125
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:44,044
Look, I was really
looking forward to
meeting Ted,

126
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:48,348
but I got to
the bar an hour early,
and I met this amazing guy,

127
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:50,183
like, seriously amazing.

128
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,085
And you met him at MacLaren's?

129
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,454
Yeah, right at the bar.

130
00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,655
What's his name?

131
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,358
I shouldn't say.

132
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:01,562
What the heck?
It's Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!

133
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,399
You son of a bitch!

134
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,577
So he hooked up with Shelly?
You must have been pissed.

135
00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:18,211
Damn straight!

136
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:21,849
Barney, I've had Shelly set
aside for Ted for three years.

137
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,084
Dude, Ted was
not missing out.

138
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:28,288
She's brainy and annoying,
kind of boring in the sack.

139
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,024
I guess she would
have been perfect
for Ted. Oops.

140
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,626
(EXCLAIMS)

141
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:35,295
Okay, had I known that
she was there to meet Ted,

142
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:37,364
of course I
wouldn't have done it.

143
00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,501
But given the circumstances,
I think Ted will be proud
of me.

144
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:44,037
I pulled off "The
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn!"

145
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,239
Okay, what's "The Lorenzo
Von Matterhorn"?

146
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,308
My question exactly.

147
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,844
Okay, what's
"The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn"?

148
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:52,345
Glad you asked.

149
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:56,249
BARNEY: "To perform
'The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn,'

150
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,218
"here's what you'll need.

151
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:01,455
"Basic knowledge
of Web site design,
and a very unique fake name.

152
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,924
"So, think of your
fake name right now.

153
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,561
"Have you got it? Good.

154
00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,797
"Now, select your target,

155
00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:13,100
"preferably a girl
with a real nice phone."

156
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,204
(SIGHS)

157
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,108
Yeah, it's me.

158
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,110
Do I know you?

159
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,015
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

160
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:32,486
Are you, like,
famous or something?

161
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,955
Yes. What are you... I'm...

162
00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,893
You really don't know
who I am, do you?

163
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,729
What a refreshing
change of pace.

164
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,165
Nice to meet you... Shelly.
Shelly.

165
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,901
Once again,
I'm Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

166
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:52,239
Spelled like
it sounds, two "T's".
Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

167
00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,576
(SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN)

168
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:58,045
BARNEY: "Then,
as soon as you're gone,
she gets out her phone

169
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:02,182
"and does an Internet search
for 'Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.'

170
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:06,186
"And that's
when she discovers
a series of fake Web sites,

171
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:09,690
"all devoted to
the incredible life
of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.

172
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,025
"There's the fake
business article
about Lorenzo,

173
00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,994
"the reclusive billionaire.

174
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,863
"The fake
explorers' club newsletter
describing his balloon trek

175
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,498
"to the North Pole as
a feat of pure daring
and imagination.

176
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,968
"The fake
medical journal featuring
the heartbreaking story of

177
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,737
"doctors telling him penis
reduction surgery isn't
an option.

178
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,338
"And by the time
you get back..."

179
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,741
Hi. Shelly,
I hate to be forward,

180
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,509
but can I
buy you a cup of coffee?

181
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,178
Yes, please.

182
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,715
What does coffee go
for these days, $50?

183
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:35,883
Oh! Lorenzo.

184
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,419
BARNEY: "And it is on."

185
00:08:42,255 --> 00:08:44,024
That's awful!

186
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,193
You realize you broke
her heart, right?

187
00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,494
She's inconsolable.

188
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:50,063
Why would she
be inconsolable?

189
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:53,701
Lorenzo's balloon
won't disappear over
the Arctic for another week.

190
00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,502
The only way
she would be upset

191
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,171
is if someone told her
it was all a bunch of lies.

192
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,140
It was all just
a bunch of lies?

193
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,175
It was all just
a bunch of lies.

194
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,344
The balloon expedition?
Lies!

195
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:06,313
The man-made island
shaped like his face,

196
00:09:06,346 --> 00:09:08,816
off the coast of Dubai?
Lies!

197
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,018
Finishing third in the
laser tag competition?

198
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,854
Oh! Actually, that
one's true. I went to that.

199
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,056
You went to the Vatican?
Lies!

200
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:22,863
Oh, my God!
Well, I hope you're
happy with yourself!

201
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,733
What?
You broke that girl's heart.

202
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,168
Me?
You!

203
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,403
She'll probably
never trust a guy again.

204
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:32,305
You ruined her for Ted,

205
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,343
not to mention
Julio Von Matterhorn,
Lorenzo's twin brother.

206
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:41,181
Can you believe that?
He blames me!

207
00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,583
And by the way, Ted,
I bet she'd still
go out with you.

208
00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:47,220
Hmm. Let me think,
do I wanna go out with
a girl Barney hooked up with?

209
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,989
Guys, help me out
with the harmonies.
Sure.

210
00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:50,624
* Hell, no
* Hell, no

211
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,359
* Hell, no

212
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:55,829
* Hell, no

213
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:57,731
Well, you must be
a little bothered
by this?

214
00:09:57,765 --> 00:09:58,999
Well, it's his life.

215
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:00,868
Look, if these
girls are dumb enough

216
00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,369
to fall
for this crap,
they have it coming.

217
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,739
Agreed. Have you seen the one
in there labeled "The SNASA"?

218
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,210
Wow, you're an astronaut?

219
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:15,582
(SHUSHING) I'm
actually in a top-secret
government space program

220
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,987
called "Secret NASA"
or "SNASA."

221
00:10:20,020 --> 00:10:22,589
Wow. "SNASA."
Mmm-hmm.

222
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,324
Do you go to
the moon and stuff?

223
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:26,026
Well, not the moon
you're familiar with.

224
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,495
Though, I have
been to the "smoon."

225
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:32,065
Wow. The "smoon."

226
00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,238
If you fall for that one,
my heart breaks for you,

227
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:40,373
but I'm sorry,
you're a "smoron."

228
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:42,876
So, what happens next?

229
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,044
(SIGHING) Well...

230
00:10:44,077 --> 00:10:47,380
Come on, Barney. You just...

231
00:10:47,414 --> 00:10:50,884
You just got out of
an honest-to-God relationship.

232
00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:55,088
You're a real boy now.
You can't go back to
these cheap tricks.

233
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:58,625
Cheap tricks?
Not one of these
is a cheap trick.

234
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,160
Except for
"The Cheap Trick."

235
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,596
I'm the
bass player
for Cheap Trick.

236
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,970
And even that one involves
expensive hair extensions.

237
00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,705
Now, if you don't mind,

238
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,673
I am off to prepare
for tonight's main event.

239
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:17,144
I will be performing
"The He's Not Coming."

240
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,611
Glad you asked.

241
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,851
BARNEY: "To perform
'The He's Not Coming,'
here's what you'll need.

242
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,919
"The observation deck
of the Empire State Building.

243
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,889
"Are you up there? Good.

244
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,458
"For generations,
this has been the spot
New Yorkers have chosen

245
00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:34,461
"for their romantic reunions
with long-estranged lovers.

246
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:37,164
"So, all you have to do is
walk up to every girl you
see, and say..."

247
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,999
He's not coming.

248
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,467
What are you talking about?

249
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,869
Never mind.

250
00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,236
He's not coming.

251
00:11:45,873 --> 00:11:47,674
He's not coming.

252
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:51,444
She's not coming? Sorry.

253
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,514
BARNEY: "Until
sooner or later..."

254
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:55,749
(SIGHING)

255
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:58,852
He's not coming.

256
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:03,323
He's not?
But we agreed.

257
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:06,559
We always said
we'd meet here,
on this night.

258
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:07,995
(GASPS)

259
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,597
(CRYING) I'm such a fool.

260
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,705
All right,
I'm gonna go
get the paper.

261
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,740
More like go get a husband.
Yeah, totally.

262
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:23,010
Okay, you guys,
just stop that,
seriously.

263
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,412
The last thing
I'm looking for
right now is a relationship.

264
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,847
Uh-huh. When you
pick up that newspaper,

265
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,748
be sure to check
the wedding announcements

266
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,317
for yours.

267
00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:31,751
MARSHALL:
Robin, it's like this.

268
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,887
Do you have any idea
how many times in my life

269
00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:36,489
I've gone to the freezer
looking for frozen waffles
and not found them?

270
00:12:36,523 --> 00:12:38,491
Thousands?
Millions.

271
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:42,329
But when I go to the freezer
looking for a Popsicle or
the remote control,

272
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,397
because Lily
and I are having a fight
and she's hidden it there,

273
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,033
you know what I find?

274
00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,301
Frozen waffles.

275
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,337
That's how it works.
If you go out there,
looking for a paper,

276
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,872
you're coming back
with frozen waffles,

277
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,707
and in this case,
frozen waffles
is a guy.

278
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:59,046
Also, could you pick up
some frozen waffles?

279
00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:03,683
In that case,
frozen waffles
are frozen waffles.

280
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,218
(TED CHUCKLING)

281
00:13:05,252 --> 00:13:08,188
Guys, code red,
emergency, lockdown!

282
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:10,323
Nobody's leaving!
What happened?

283
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:14,061
I tried
the "He's Not Coming,"
and it worked, gangbusters.

284
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,662
You should have seen
this girl.

285
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:16,663
(VOCALIZING)

286
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:20,300
Okay, I'm leaving.

287
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:23,871
So, we get up to my place,
and I go into my room to
set up the camera...

288
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,506
To light the candles.

289
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:31,879
And when I
come out, she's gone,
and so is The Playbook.

290
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:34,814
I think we all know
who is responsible
for this.

291
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,083
Yeah, we do.

292
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,185
Yeah. Al-Qaeda.

293
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:42,255
No, you idiot! It was me.

294
00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:46,359
You son of a bitch!

295
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:57,037
Wow, you stole The Playbook?

296
00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,072
So the girl on the
Empire State Building?

297
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,707
A friend of mine,
an actress.

298
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,743
An actress, of course!

299
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:07,047
That explains her
impeccable diction
and her sluttiness.

300
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,716
Barney, I've
got half a mind to
take that Playbook

301
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:12,152
and put it
up on the Internet for
the whole world to see.

302
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,720
You wouldn't!
I won't,

303
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,489
as long
as you agree
to no more scams,

304
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,358
no more cons,
no more hustles,

305
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:20,193
no more hoodwinks,
no more gambits,

306
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,229
no more stratagems
and no more bamboozles.

307
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,064
(SIGHING)

308
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,232
I noticed you
left out flimflams.

309
00:14:25,265 --> 00:14:26,566
No more flimflams!

310
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,335
Damn it!

311
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,104
Oh, my God. I'm sorry to
interrupt, but look at this.

312
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:35,108
No!

313
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,179
I got left
at the altar.

314
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:46,053
Oh, my God,
that's horrible!

315
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,720
Wonder if that would work.

316
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,556
That's not even
the worst one in there.

317
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:52,125
Have you guys seen
"The My Penis Grants Wishes"?

318
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,964
Really? A genie
comes out of it?

319
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,765
Only if you
rub it hard enough.

320
00:15:01,768 --> 00:15:03,070
So, then what happened?

321
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,305
It says here,
"He breaks into song,

322
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,974
"and then
the furniture comes to
life and dances with him."

323
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,909
It's not
very well thought out.
It's no Mrs. Stinsfire.

324
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:11,744
No, what happened in
real life?

325
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:13,546
Well, a few hours later...

326
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:14,847
(LOUD BANGING ON DOOR)

327
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,723
You know,
I heard it was gonna rain.

328
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,559
If anyone's interested,
I will be at MacLaren's Pub

329
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:30,530
performing a play
out of The Playbook
entitled, "The Scuba Diver."

330
00:15:30,563 --> 00:15:32,099
That is all.

331
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,735
Okay, that's it.

332
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,372
I'm putting
The Playbook up
on the Internet.

333
00:15:39,406 --> 00:15:41,341
Baby, can you
put The Playbook
up on the Internet?

334
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,077
Yeah, of course, baby.
But here's the weird thing,

335
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,813
I've literally
been through this
book cover to cover.

336
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,548
There's no play in here
called "The Scuba Diver."

337
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:55,688
Oh! So, now
you guys wanna know
what "The Scuba Diver" is?

338
00:15:55,722 --> 00:16:00,160
Well, it was on the
last page of The Playbook,

339
00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:03,330
but I ripped it out,
just in case.

340
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:06,033
Don't worry, though.
You're about to see
it in action.

341
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,335
See the blonde
over there by the bar?

342
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,305
Tizzarget aquizired.

343
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,840
Barney, don't do this.

344
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:16,209
God, give it a rest, pest.

345
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,311
If anyone should be mad,
it should be Robin.

346
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:21,681
She loves The Playbook.
I don't love The Playbook.

347
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,717
What are you...
The Playbook, it's gold.

348
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,386
You gotta admit,
it's pretty spectac.

349
00:16:26,419 --> 00:16:29,156
Look, Barney,
we just broke up.

350
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:33,393
I mean, yes,
the costumes are cute,
but we just broke up.

351
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:40,667
Well, I didn't know
you felt that way.

352
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,735
I guess I've
been so wrapped up
in my own stuff that I...

353
00:16:42,769 --> 00:16:45,405
Oh, crap,
she's looking over here.
Quick, everyone, scatter.

354
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,009
(SIGHING) That's it.

355
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:55,215
Hi. You see that guy
over there in the
scuba suit?

356
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:56,883
And that brings
us to right now.

357
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:59,018
Wow.

358
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:02,589
But wait. So, why is
he wearing scuba gear?

359
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:05,558
We don't know and
it's killing us, Claire.

360
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:06,859
It's killing us.

361
00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,828
Well, let's go ask him.

362
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:15,068
So what's "The Scuba Diver"?
And this is Claire,
by the way.

363
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,372
Hello, Claire. My name
is Lieutenant Frank Lyman.

364
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:22,209
I train
bomb-sniffing
dolphins for the...

365
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,912
You know what?

366
00:17:25,945 --> 00:17:29,182
(STUTTERING)
I can't do this.

367
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:32,919
Robin, I am so sorry.

368
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:37,524
I guess this breakup's been
tougher on me than I thought.

369
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,792
I think this Playbook was
just a way to take my
mind off of things.

370
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:43,896
It's okay.
It's been tough on me, too.

371
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,998
I mean, look at me.
I've sworn off relationships.

372
00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,167
She's so about
to get married.

373
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,235
I gotta work on my toast.

374
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:49,836
I gotta make
sure my tux fits.

375
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:53,406
I will bang your heads
together like coconuts.

376
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,975
Barney, I'm so glad
you're stopping this.

377
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:59,512
And, frankly, the real
Barney is way cooler than

378
00:17:59,546 --> 00:18:01,848
any of
the fake Barneys
in this Playbook.

379
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:04,217
Is that right?

380
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,353
Claire, you've probably heard
a lot about the real Barney
tonight.

381
00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:07,720
Wanna grab
a cup of coffee?

382
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,889
Okay, Claire,
before you turn him down,

383
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:13,660
I think you should know
that under this
neoprene suit,

384
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:16,896
with what appears
to be a tube sock
stuffed in the crotch...

385
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,798
Can of Pringles, but go on.

386
00:18:18,831 --> 00:18:21,168
...is an amazing guy.

387
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:26,173
He's fun and
one of my best friends
and he landed this hottie.

388
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:28,908
He's a good guy.

389
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,379
Come on, Claire,
go out with him.

390
00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:33,980
MARSHALL: It's just
a cup of coffee, right?

391
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,582
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, it can't hurt.

392
00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:38,551
All right, all right.
Let's get some coffee.

393
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,556
OLDER TED: And by
the end of the night...

394
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,425
I'm proud of that guy.

395
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,594
To be that vulnerable
takes a lot of Pringles.

396
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:48,995
(CELL PHONE BEEPING)

397
00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:52,399
Whoo! I got
a text from Barney.
"Look under the table."

398
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,602
(LILY EXCLAIMS)

399
00:18:58,205 --> 00:18:59,672
It's a page
from The Playbook.

400
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:01,140
What's it say?

401
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:03,109
It's "The Scuba Diver."

402
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:08,581
BARNEY: "Step one,
tell a meddlesome female
friend about The Playbook.

403
00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:10,650
"Step two, run a play
on one of her co-workers

404
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,419
"making her so angry
she steals The Playbook.

405
00:19:12,452 --> 00:19:13,753
"Step three,
put on the scuba suit,

406
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,688
"and tell her you're
going to do one more scam,

407
00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,990
"called 'The Scuba Diver,'
on the hot girl standing
by the bar.

408
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:20,059
"Your friend,
let's call her Lily,
goes and talks to the girl

409
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:21,328
"and tells her everything
about The Playbook.

410
00:19:21,361 --> 00:19:23,029
"Now, here's
where it gets tricky.

411
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,064
"When Lily
and the girl ask
what 'The Scuba Diver' is,

412
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,967
"take off your mask,
give them some spiel about
your deep-seated insecurities,

413
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,237
"which don't really exist
because, let's face it,
you're awesome.

414
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,971
"Feeling bad for you,
Lily talks you up to
the girl,

415
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,673
"who then agrees to
go get coffee with you.

416
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:38,010
"And it is on."

417
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,953
You son of a bitch!

418
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,694
I'll give you a call.
All right, bye-bye.

419
00:19:56,563 --> 00:20:00,199
For those
of you keeping score,
"The Ted Mosby" works.

420
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:01,868
Shh.

421
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,504
Robin, here we go.

422
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,406
You say you don't
want a relationship.

423
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:09,709
Well, the love of your life
is about to walk through
the door, and it's

424
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:12,779
that guy.

425
00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:15,915
Yeah, I'm not falling
in love with that guy.

426
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,586
Right, right, right.
'Cause it's gonna
be that guy.

427
00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:24,991
I don't know, the blue blazer
is just, like, not doing it
for me, so...

428
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,593
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're right 'cause
here he comes.

429
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:27,594
It's that guy.

430
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:33,333
Robin, you should at least
give her a chance.

431
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,734
You know, make out
with her a little.

432
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,569
See if there's
something there.

433
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,137
Okay, I'm going to work.
Yeah, you are.

434
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,472
No, I'm actually
going to work.

435
00:20:39,506 --> 00:20:40,740
Uh-huh.
Mmm-hmm.

436
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,309
Go to work...
Work...

437
00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:43,676
OLDER TED:
And the ironic part was...

438
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:46,313
Hi. Are you Robin?
Yeah.

439
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,014
I'm Don,
your new co-host.

440
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:51,384
OLDER TED: ...that
was the day she met Don.

441
00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:53,119
Damn it, Marshall.

442
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,046
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21