1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:04,772
OLDER TED:
Kids, as long as I'd
known your Uncle Barney,

2
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,574
he'd always
had some pretty strong
opinions on relationships.

3
00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:12,780
Your girlfriend?
She's your "girlfriend"?
She's a girl, and a friend?

4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:16,317
(LAUGHING) How is...
Do not humanize
the enemy, Ted.

5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,619
But nice to meet you,
Barney Stinson.

6
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:20,788
OLDER TED: And yet,
in the fall of 2009,

7
00:00:20,821 --> 00:00:22,823
he was the one
with the girlfriend.

8
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,425
Go ahead, open it.

9
00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,894
Open it, open it,
open it, open it!

10
00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:29,063
It's my porn collection!

11
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:31,565
Just kidding.
That would be weird.

12
00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,734
It's your porn collection.
It's my porn collection!

13
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,003
I'm giving you my porn.

14
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,339
Now that things
are so great with Robin,
I don't need it anymore.

15
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:43,744
Wow. You are voluntarily
giving up your porn.

16
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:44,845
You really are serious.

17
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,414
Well, that's obvious.

18
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,116
What does that mean?
Oh, nothing.

19
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,050
It's just, you know,
you got relationship gut.

20
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:54,021
What? No, I do not
got "relationship gut."

21
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,523
That is ridiculous.

22
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,758
It's no big deal. I mean,
once you're dating someone,

23
00:00:57,791 --> 00:01:00,894
it's natural to let things
go a little bit. Trust me.

24
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,396
We've been there.

25
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,698
Yeah. Boy, did I
pudge out for a while.

26
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,336
Well, we should get going.

27
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:12,773
Good-bye, my sweet,
beloved friends, who
have always been there for me.

28
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,308
You'll be missed.

29
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:15,709
He's talking to the porn.

30
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,311
Oh.

31
00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,079
MARSHALL AND LILY: Bye, Robin.
TED: See you, Robs.

32
00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,482
(LAUGHING)
Look at these videos.

33
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:25,386
Space Orgy. Horny
Co-Ed Surprise Party 23.

34
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,087
You'd think after
the first 22 parties,

35
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:29,223
the coeds wouldn't
be surprised anymore.

36
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:33,394
So, we can
get rid of these for you.

37
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,396
No. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

38
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,131
It's not a problem.
I'll take care of them.

39
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,233
Are you sure?
I mean, no biggie.

40
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:42,002
We can just swing by
the back alley and drop
the box in the Dumpster.

41
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:44,738
I see six of the words you
just said on this video label.

42
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,408
Seriously,
it's not a big deal.
I will take care of it.

43
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:48,041
No. 'Cause I... I mean, we...
Leave them!

44
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,343
Okay.

45
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:53,414
You know,
in a way, it's sad, right?

46
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,283
I mean, Barney's
giving up his porn.

47
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,484
He's got
relationship gut.

48
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,986
They eat at the
same diner every night.

49
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,088
It's like the end
of Barney Stinson
as we know him.

50
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,956
Yeah, well, so what?
They're happy...

51
00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:04,658
Yeah, well,
we gotta go. Later.

52
00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:09,630
(WHISPERING)
So, what'd you get?
I got Squat.

53
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,565
What are you...
I thought I saw you take one?

54
00:02:11,599 --> 00:02:13,734
Yeah, I did.
It's called Squat.

55
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,876
"Archisexture."

56
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,479
That is not
how you spell
"Buckminster Fuller."

57
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,915
OLDER TED:
Kids, pornography is bad.

58
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,084
And so, I was
getting rid of that vile
pornography right away...

59
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:34,888
I am getting rid of this
vile pornography right away.

60
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,890
OLDER TED:
...when something
terrible happened.

61
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,329
Oh, no.

62
00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:45,633
Oh, no.

63
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:51,939
Oh, no.

64
00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:56,544
Oh, no.

65
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,048
WOMAN: (IN HUSKY VOICE)
Archisexture...

66
00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,484
Hello, Ted.

67
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:05,786
If you're
watching this tape, and
I knew you'd pick this one,

68
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:08,121
then you are now in
possession of my porn.

69
00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:11,425
This can only mean
one of two things,
either I'm dead,

70
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:13,627
or I'm in
a committed relationship.

71
00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:17,798
If I'm dead,
I want you to
honor my memory

72
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,334
by taking my body
to The Hamptons

73
00:03:20,368 --> 00:03:21,669
and recreating
Weekend at Bernie's.

74
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,772
I wanna dance,

75
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,540
I wanna have
sex with a girl

76
00:03:26,574 --> 00:03:29,277
and I wanna go fishing.

77
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:32,980
If, on the other hand,
I'm in a committed
relationship,

78
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:37,551
then, as your best friend,
I have only one request.

79
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:41,221
Please, for the love of God,
get me out of it!

80
00:03:55,002 --> 00:03:57,571
I might look happy,
but don't believe it.

81
00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,973
Barney Stinson is
meant to be single.

82
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:03,243
So, please,
if you value my
best friendship...

83
00:04:03,277 --> 00:04:04,945
That's right, Marshall,
I'm his best friend.

84
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,480
How does that feel?

85
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,782
Then get me out of this.

86
00:04:08,816 --> 00:04:11,719
And, finally, since you
were expecting some porn.

87
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,959
No, no, no, baby.
Don't worry.

88
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,694
The flashing green
light means it's off.

89
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:26,066
Are we sure
he was finished talking?

90
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:29,169
Look, there's no reason
we should take this
seriously, right?

91
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:33,441
Of course not.
This is an old tape.
Barney is happy with Robin.

92
00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:36,310
OLDER TED: But over
the next couple of weeks,
I started to notice things.

93
00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:39,179
Barney and Robin stopped
having crazy adventures.

94
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,614
So, what'd you
guys do last night?

95
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,383
I wanted to
go to a concert.

96
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:43,817
He wanted to
go to a party.

97
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,986
Obviously, we couldn't do
what just one of us wanted,

98
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:49,022
so we just stayed in,
watched a movie on cable.

99
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,360
It was Legen... Wait for it.

100
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:55,396
...ds of the Fall.
Legends of the Fall!

101
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,567
It was okay.

102
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,569
OLDER TED:
Barney stopped being himself.

103
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,804
Hey, Barney.
I'm chatting up
this girl over there.

104
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:06,807
I could use a little
help landing the plane.

105
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,842
Sorry, Ted,
I'm my own wingman tonight.

106
00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:09,677
(LAUGHING)

107
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:15,248
OLDER TED:
And Robin got annoyed
at everything he said.

108
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,017
So, how are you two?

109
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,318
Great.
Yeah.

110
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:19,953
Relationships are the best.

111
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,755
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

112
00:05:21,789 --> 00:05:23,190
The sharing,
the compromise.

113
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,492
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

114
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,427
The monogamy,
can't beat it.

115
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,195
Catchphrase, yes.

116
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,364
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

117
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,999
OLDER TED:
But the worse they got...

118
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,068
I'm full, sweetie.

119
00:05:35,102 --> 00:05:37,405
OLDER TED:
...the more they kept
saying things were great.

120
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,772
Now the truth is,
Barney and Robin

121
00:05:38,806 --> 00:05:40,741
only let themselves go
a little bit.

122
00:05:40,774 --> 00:05:43,711
But I swear,
after a few more weeks,
to us, they seemed like this.

123
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,583
I'll be there,
(SNIFFS) in a minute.

124
00:05:51,419 --> 00:05:52,553
(SIGHS)

125
00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:55,556
Hey.

126
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,958
They're killing each other!

127
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,292
They love each other.

128
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:00,894
Barney and Robin love
each other,

129
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:02,630
but they're not
Barney and Robin anymore.

130
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:03,997
They're the fat guy
and the old lady.

131
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,099
My favorite
'70s detective show.

132
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:08,368
Look, it's so clear.

133
00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:11,472
Barney's been overeating
because he hates being
tied down like this.

134
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:14,341
And Robin's stressing out
because she hates what
Barney's turned into.

135
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,544
No. They're a perfect match.

136
00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:17,845
Well, maybe
that's the problem.

137
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,379
I mean, maybe
they're too similar.

138
00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,715
It must be tough having
two alpha dogs in one
relationship.

139
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,116
We have
two alpha dogs
in our relationship.

140
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,653
Sure we do, sweetie.

141
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,455
If they're not happy,
why don't they just
break up?

142
00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,623
Because they're too stubborn.

143
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,859
Neither one of them
wants to be the first
to admit that they want out.

144
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,461
They're playing
relationship chicken.

145
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:34,928
I think Barney ate
the relationship chicken.

146
00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,296
(LAUGHING)

147
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,331
Ted, it's just a rough patch.

148
00:06:38,365 --> 00:06:40,367
It takes time
getting used to
being with someone else.

149
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,102
And they're both...

150
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,304
What's the nice
word for selfish?
Independent.

151
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:47,074
Independent. Every
relationship goes
through this.

152
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:49,142
It's true.

153
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:52,012
I have
this astronaut friend,
totally loved his fiancée.

154
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:54,815
And then, the day before
his mission, she caught him

155
00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,417
with, like,
four other chicks,
a couple of dudes.

156
00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,219
Things got really tense.

157
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,955
Finally, she ended up
sneaking out of the
space shuttle...

158
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,123
Are you talking
about Space Orgy?

159
00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:05,225
Yes, I am.

160
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,828
Ted, it's just a rough patch.
Just let things run
their course.

161
00:07:07,861 --> 00:07:09,029
She's right.
TED: But...

162
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,665
Two-to-one, Ted.
Leave them alone.

163
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:13,300
OLDER TED:
So I did leave them alone.

164
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,935
But that weekend...

165
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,970
Mmm.

166
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,573
Have you
noticed how beef ribs
used to always be disgusting,

167
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:23,911
and then recently they found
a way to make them really
delicious instead?

168
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:26,614
Okay, Barney.
I'm gonna go ahead
and ask you this head on.

169
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,081
Are you happy with Robin?

170
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,050
Are you kidding?

171
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,486
How could I not be
happy with Robin?
It's Robin!

172
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,854
So are you happy?

173
00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,656
I can't believe
you'd even ask me that.

174
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,091
I mean, yes,
we fight all the time,

175
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,794
but, you know what they
say about relationships.

176
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:42,696
"Every moment's a battle."

177
00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:44,932
So are you happy?

178
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,800
And you know what
goes hand-in-hand

179
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,970
with fighting,
the make-up sex,

180
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:53,240
which is different

181
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:55,643
when you're in a loving,
long-term relationship.

182
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:58,946
Heads, we have sex.

183
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,882
Tails, we order
a whole pizza and
just lay here moaning.

184
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:03,917
Oh, great.
Let the coin decide.

185
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,653
(SIGHS)

186
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,122
Which was pizza again?
Tails.

187
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:11,825
It was tails.

188
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:15,729
Sex. Am I right?
Thank God that's mostly over.

189
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,765
(BURPS)

190
00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:20,100
I'm still hungry. You hungry?

191
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,036
We have to break them up.

192
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:32,112
You're right.
Barney and Robin
are miserable together,

193
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:34,081
but they're too
stubborn to admit it.

194
00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,215
So, we have to
get them to break up.

195
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,650
How do we do that?

196
00:08:36,684 --> 00:08:40,387
We unleash the Kraken.

197
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:43,190
OLDER TED: Kids, as you know,
earlier that year,
I'd learned that

198
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:48,929
Lily had broken up not one,
not two, but seven of my
past relationships.

199
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,664
Forget it.
I'm retired.

200
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:51,965
I'm out of the game.

201
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,901
But nobody's
better than you.

202
00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:56,837
I'm telling you.
I swore off that racket.

203
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,439
I've gone legit.
I'm a matchmaker now.

204
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:02,142
Set me up with someone.
Whoa! I'm just starting out.

205
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,044
Listen, you've gotta
break them up.

206
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,613
This relationship is
killing them.

207
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:08,281
I know it is, but
I've learned my lesson.

208
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:11,685
No more interfering.
Let things run their course.

209
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,787
It's two-to-one.
Yes, but the one is me.

210
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:19,059
All right, we don't need her.
We can break them up on
our own.

211
00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:20,728
How?

212
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,362
Okay, remember when
Robin and I were dating?

213
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:25,799
What was the one big thing
that really freaked her out?

214
00:09:25,833 --> 00:09:29,002
No. No. No. No. No. Ted,
you cannot do this to me.

215
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:30,938
No! No. No. No.

216
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:32,505
What are you
talking about?

217
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,007
This. This is
what I'm talking about.

218
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,509
What is this doing
in my champagne?

219
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,112
If we make Robin think
for even a second that
Barney is proposing,

220
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,514
she'll lose it,
and they'll break up.

221
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:43,150
That's crazy.
Why don't we just, like,
lead Barney into temptation?

222
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:45,318
We'll find some hot
woman to hit on him.

223
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,191
Okay, the ring thing.

224
00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:59,232
Stakeout van.

225
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,768
What?
We should have
gotten a stakeout van.

226
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,270
We could have ordered pizza,
and looked through big
binoculars

227
00:10:03,303 --> 00:10:06,139
and said, "This ain't
what I signed up for."
Stuff like that.

228
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,208
TED: Shh...
Here comes the waiter.

229
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,443
Please, shut up!

230
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,745
What?

231
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,081
I thought you
said something. Sorry.

232
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,555
Is that an engagement ring?

233
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:23,657
Are you?

234
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,258
Oh, no. No.

235
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:28,796
That's not me. They must've
delivered it to the
wrong table.

236
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,630
Could you imagine,
us getting married?

237
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:32,132
(LAUGHING)

238
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:35,468
Well, we are
committed to
each other.

239
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:37,671
Most of your stuff is
already at my apartment.

240
00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,006
Might make
taxes easier.

241
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:40,874
Speed up your citizenship.

242
00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,609
"Scherbatsky" is
so hard to spell.

243
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,344
My mom would be so happy.

244
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:49,282
(SIGHING) I guess so.
No reason not to.

245
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,450
We're getting married!

246
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,152
Not so loud. Geez!

247
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,521
What did you do?
I am furious right now.

248
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,956
This is so wrong!

249
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,657
Lily, will you be
my maid of honor?

250
00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,192
Oh, my God.
I would love to.

251
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,496
Are you out of your mind?

252
00:11:03,530 --> 00:11:06,900
You knew they were playing
relationship chicken, and
what did you do?

253
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,837
You put an engagement ring
in front of them.

254
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:13,206
Okay.
That's it.
I'm taking over.

255
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,877
I'm coming
out of retirement
for one last breakup.

256
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,746
(EXCLAIMING) Yes!

257
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,413
All right.
How are we
gonna do it?

258
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,582
These guys are in so deep
just one fight ain't
gonna do it.

259
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:26,286
We need to reignite the four
biggest fights they've
ever been in,

260
00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,988
all at once.

261
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,758
Number one,
the battle of
the dirty dishes.

262
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,127
(INAUDIBLE)

263
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:38,431
Number two,
the ex-girlfriend conflict.

264
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:41,468
Hey, don't you know
that girl over there?

265
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,236
No. I don't think so.

266
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:47,274
No, in fact,
I have definitely...
Hey, it's Meg.

267
00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:50,243
Well, I am certainly not
comparing you two in my
mind right now.

268
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:51,644
Whoops. Hey,
will you get that for me?

269
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,180
Really?
Please?

270
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,015
Why do you keep doing this?
You're embarrassing me
in public.

271
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,449
You're constantly
putting me in these positions.

272
00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:00,087
Number three,
the Star Wars altercation.

273
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,956
Isn't it time you got
rid of your stupid doll?

274
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,158
It's not a doll.
It's a Stormtrooper.

275
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,895
Uh... He's wearing a diaper.

276
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,197
It's not
a diaper, Robin.
It's protective armor.

277
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,299
Stormtrooper,
more like Stormpooper.

278
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,533
Stop it!

279
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,003
(IMITATING FARTING) Whoa! Oh!

280
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,238
It sounds
like your Stormpooper
here needs a changing.

281
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,406
Okay, you know what,
I'm sick of it.

282
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,974
I'm sick of your jokes.
I didn't say anything.

283
00:12:21,008 --> 00:12:23,043
Your jokes about the magic...
I can't joke?

284
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:27,781
And of course, the biggie,
the Canadian-American war.

285
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:32,319
Thank God that song's over.
Who the hell was that old
lady singing?

286
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:35,856
Okay, you know
that Neil Young is
my favorite musician.

287
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,125
Right. Now was
that the same old lady

288
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,526
who played
Archie Bunker's wife
in All in the Family,

289
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:41,128
or just a sound-alike?

290
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,630
Neil Young is
a Canadian treasure.

291
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,933
Do not make fun of Neil Young.

292
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:48,201
Robin, I would
never make fun

293
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:50,838
of a defenseless, old lady
with vocal cord paralysis.

294
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,205
Here we go.
Ever.

295
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,974
In public? Really?
Yeah, in public.
I'll go there.

296
00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,142
We're gonna have
a fight in public?

297
00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,309
It's nothing
to be mad about.

298
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:57,610
I got it.

299
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,947
I got it.
We e-mail them pictures

300
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:01,882
reminding them of
each of these fights.

301
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,551
You child.
Here's how it goes down.

302
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,319
They're at the diner.

303
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,389
First, rekindling the
Canadian-American debate,

304
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,558
Ontario native Alan Thicke
stops by the table.

305
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,327
BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

306
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:16,329
Alan Thicke?

307
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:18,798
Oh! Right, Robin knew him
back when she was a singer.

308
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,233
Yeah, and they
still keep in touch.

309
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:22,102
I already got his
number off her phone.

310
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:25,372
Seriously, amateurs.

311
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:28,441
LILY:
So Alan Thicke restarts
the Canada-US fight.

312
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:31,644
Right at that moment,
Crazy Meg shows up.

313
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:35,315
Then, a Stormtrooper
happens to walk by
the window.

314
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,617
And just
when they can't
take anything more,

315
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:41,088
a busboy walks by
with a tray full of what?

316
00:13:41,121 --> 00:13:42,522
Dirty dishes.

317
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:51,764
(INAUDIBLE)

318
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:56,003
Lily, this is
your masterpiece.

319
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,271
We're getting
a stakeout van!

320
00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:02,042
A station wagon? Really?
You rented a station wagon?

321
00:14:02,075 --> 00:14:04,077
Yeah, a van cost,
like, 25 bucks more.

322
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:07,514
A station wagon. (SCOFFS)

323
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,316
LOST IN SPACE ROBOT:
Greetings, Will Robinson!

324
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,051
Where's the birthday boy
or girl?

325
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:12,785
Hey, climb on in.

326
00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,287
What the hell is this?

327
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,523
They didn't have
any Stormtroopers,

328
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:19,159
so I had to get
a different robot.
This will still work.

329
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,362
Different robot?
Stormtroopers aren't robots.

330
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:25,999
Of course they're robots.
(ROBOT VOICE)
"Must kill Luke Skywalker."

331
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,400
Nobody says
that in Star Wars.

332
00:14:27,434 --> 00:14:29,436
Really lousy
robot voice, honey.

333
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,304
Someone ordered
an extra-large sausage.

334
00:14:31,338 --> 00:14:33,573
Hey, one of
Barney's videos
starts off just like that.

335
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,944
Hey, guys,
Barney's ordering
five of something.

336
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,478
I don't know if
it's gonna fit in here.

337
00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,047
Okay. Now you're
just quoting the video.

338
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,749
Still ordering.
Waiter's taking
out a second pad.

339
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:43,917
Yeah, okay, well,
we need it in here.

340
00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,218
We're on a stakeout.

341
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,719
Shouldn't you be in a van?

342
00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,721
A van costs more.
Thank you.

343
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,091
Score me a slice,
Will Robinson.

344
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:53,426
No, no, no. You get
a stain on that costume,
they're gonna charge us.

345
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,428
Dude, will you
just chill about money.

346
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:57,230
Yeah, let the Stormtrooper
have a slice.

347
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,199
Yeah. It's not a Stormtrooper.
It's not a Stormtrooper.

348
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:01,534
(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

349
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,503
Hi, Lily.
Sorry I'm late.
I was looking for a van.

350
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,005
Thank you.
$25.

351
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:06,239
So, should I go
say hi to Robin?

352
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,475
Not yet. Get in the car.

353
00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:12,345
Okay, so wait, wait, wait.
When they blew up the
Death Star,

354
00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:14,914
knowing full well
there were thousands
of Stormtroopers on it,

355
00:15:14,948 --> 00:15:16,149
those were people?

356
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:17,817
Well, it was called
the Death Star, baby.

357
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,352
They knew what
they were getting into.

358
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:22,089
Look, I don't wanna play
the "I'm Alan Thicke" card,

359
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,257
but I really do have
a dinner to get to, so...

360
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,892
Someone has gotta
take this sausage.

361
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,594
Okay, were you in that video?

362
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,262
Were you the guy
with the farmer tan?

363
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:31,231
Jonesing for some za,
Will Robinson.

364
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,333
Come on,
I'm Alan Thicke!

365
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,968
This ain't what
I signed up for.

366
00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,536
Hey, that's my...

367
00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:37,904
Okay, you know what,
everyone stop!

368
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,173
Alan Thicke, shut up!

369
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,976
Marshall, it's
a station wagon, get over it!
Ted, stop talking about porn!

370
00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:46,313
And for the
love of God, somebody get
the Stormtrooper some pizza!

371
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:47,780
It's not a Stormtrooper.
It's not a Stormtrooper.

372
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:48,948
Crap!

373
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,684
They see us.

374
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,386
LOST IN SPACE ROBOT:
Danger! Danger!

375
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,895
(WHISPERING) Are
you sure they saw us?
Yes.

376
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,697
Hey!

377
00:16:04,731 --> 00:16:07,434
Can I go talk to Barney now?
I'm so excited.

378
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,636
Do you really think
he's gonna propose to me?

379
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,271
Oh, honey.

380
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,073
Forget it, Crazy Meg.
We've been made.

381
00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,541
If we try anything now,
they're gonna know it's us.

382
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,942
I think we should all
just go home.

383
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:18,511
No! This is my masterpiece.

384
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:21,181
So what if they saw us?
It'll still work.

385
00:16:21,214 --> 00:16:22,882
Stop it!
We'll think of
something else.

386
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:25,085
Let me repeat,
I am Alan Thicke.

387
00:16:25,118 --> 00:16:27,454
(GASPS) You're Alan Thicke?

388
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,656
No.

389
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:33,160
Alan Thicke, you're up.
Get on out there.

390
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:36,096
OLDER TED: And so, Lily
followed through with
her plan.

391
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,597
First, Alan Thicke,

392
00:16:38,765 --> 00:16:40,467
followed by Crazy Meg,

393
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,171
then the robot

394
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,539
and, finally,
the dirty dishes.

395
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,477
But by the end of it...

396
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,847
They're kissing.
They shouldn't be kissing.

397
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,649
Why isn't this working?

398
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,518
Because they're in love.

399
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,489
It really was
just a rough patch.

400
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,658
What the hell am I doing?

401
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,762
This whole thing
was a mistake.

402
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:14,234
So, any of you
dudes wanna get high?

403
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:19,339
I never thought I'd
be saying this tonight,

404
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,742
but to Barney and Robin,
the happy couple.

405
00:17:22,775 --> 00:17:26,246
OLDER TED: That was the moment
we learned that relationships
take hard work,

406
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,747
but eventually,
everything will work out.

407
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:28,848
Hey.
Hey.

408
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,150
Where's Barney?

409
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:31,918
Uh... We broke up.

410
00:17:31,951 --> 00:17:33,920
OLDER TED: And that was
the moment we unlearned

411
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:36,756
that other lesson
we had just learned
a few seconds earlier.

412
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,691
You see,
earlier that night,

413
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,094
when Lily thought Barney
and Robin had spotted her,

414
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,662
this is what
they really saw.

415
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:48,401
Why do that fat guy
and old lady keep...

416
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,507
Oh, my God. That's us.

417
00:17:54,541 --> 00:17:57,444
Look at us. Did we
always look this awful?

418
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,781
Robin, I'm not happy.

419
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,817
I mean, I wish I was.

420
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,419
Nothing would
make me happier
than being happy,

421
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,689
but I'm not.

422
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,759
But what are
we doing wrong?
We love each other.

423
00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:15,328
I mean, if this
doesn't work, what will?

424
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:17,063
We're so similar.

425
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,133
We both like scotch.
We're both awesome.

426
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:23,670
You know, maybe that's it.
Maybe there's just too
much awesome here.

427
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:27,374
Exactly. Two awesomes
cancel each other out.

428
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,377
I'm tired of
being canceled out.

429
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,379
Me, too.

430
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,349
Are we breaking up?

431
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,451
I think so.

432
00:18:40,587 --> 00:18:44,657
Aw, crap.
Now comes the next part,

433
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:48,695
the part where you and I
can't go back to being
friends.

434
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:52,632
Well, maybe
this isn't a breakup.

435
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:57,370
Maybe this
is two friends
getting back together.

436
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,642
ALAN: Robin?

437
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:03,743
Hi.

438
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,945
It's always so great
to see a fellow hoser.

439
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,080
Oh. Yes.

440
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:11,818
Hi. Good news. I forgive you
for the whole restraining
order thing.

441
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,653
Uh, hi.

442
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,087
ROBIN: Was that
a Stormtrooper?

443
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,723
That's not a...

444
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:19,192
You wanna
get outta here?
Yeah.

445
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,227
Excuse me.
See you, guys.

446
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:21,428
Excuse me.
Okay.

447
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,231
See you, Alan.
See you, Alan.

448
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,266
So, you still
on 73rd Street?

449
00:19:26,299 --> 00:19:27,534
How do you know that?

450
00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:34,140
Getting back together
as friends. I like that.

451
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,276
One more for the road?

452
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:44,651
And, I mean, who knows,

453
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,354
maybe when, like,
you turn 40, if you
haven't found anyone...

454
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,021
I already have
that deal with Ted.

455
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,924
Oh! Right. Stupid.

456
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,926
Well, maybe when you turn 39,
if you haven't found anyone...

457
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,728
(LAUGHING)

458
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,664
OLDER TED: It turns out
that they really did

459
00:19:57,697 --> 00:20:00,300
just need to let
things run their course.

460
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:02,034
So, how's Barney doing?

461
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:04,003
He's okay, I think.

462
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,239
It might be a while before
he fully recovers, but...

463
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:07,607
Mmm.

464
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,008
Did you guys
just feel a chill?

465
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,277
Yeah.

466
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,495
Daddy's home.

467
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,667
Well, Robin,
I'm glad we could catch up.

468
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,336
Yeah. Let's
do it again soon.

469
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,305
I love that you
guys are still friends

470
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,172
so long after you
did that music video.

471
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,008
Yeah.
The music...

472
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:46,245
The Sandcastles video.
Yes, yes. We did that
together, too.

473
00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,614
What do you mean "too"?

474
00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:50,617
Well, we had this failed
Canadian TV variety show.

475
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:53,085
That was so embarrassing.

476
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:56,188
Imagine what would happen
if anybody ever got their
hands on that?

477
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:58,358
Ooh! You.

478
00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,327
(SIGHING)