1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:02,670
OLDER TED:
In the fall of 2009,

2
00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:05,173
a new couple had
moved in upstairs.

3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,841
We hadn't met them yet,
but we could hear them
all the time.

4
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,278
They were always...

5
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:12,513
Well, kids, let's just say
they were always
playing the bagpipes.

6
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,481
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

7
00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,121
Okay, this is
ridiculous.

8
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,423
I can't believe those two
are still bagpiping.

9
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:25,326
I know.
It's been six hours.

10
00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:28,262
Must be that
Tantric bagpiping
that Sting is into.

11
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,498
She keeps yelling out for him
to play the bagpipes harder,

12
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,733
but it sounds like
he's bagpiping her
pretty hard.

13
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,402
There's a glass of water
in my bedroom

14
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:36,204
that's vibrating
like Jurassic Park.

15
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:41,375
You have neighbors!
Shut the bagpipes up!

16
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,425
OLDER TED:
I decided to go to the bar
for some peace and quiet.

17
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,527
That didn't work out so well.

18
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:03,631
Ted, I hate
to have to be the one
to tell you this.

19
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,666
Marshall and Lily
are getting a divorce.

20
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,201
No, they're not.

21
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:10,138
Just listen to what
I witnessed yesterday.

22
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,674
Baby, you mind
washing that?

23
00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,808
No problem.

24
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,347
I should go.

25
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:23,617
She makes him
wash his dishes
right away, Ted.

26
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:26,254
I give them two,
maybe three weeks, tops.

27
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,322
Barney,
that's not a big deal.

28
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:32,560
And it's certainly not
a big enough deal for you
to be holding my hands.

29
00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,094
(VOICE TREMBLING)
They're in big trouble, Ted.

30
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:35,829
I see what's going on.

31
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:39,032
You, my friend,
are suffering from
a little-known condition,

32
00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:40,468
"little-known" because
I just made it up,

33
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:44,104
called New Relationship
Smugness.

34
00:01:44,172 --> 00:01:46,106
You and Robin are in
the honeymoon phase.

35
00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,908
Everything's perfect.

36
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:51,212
Every song
on the radio's about you.
Every other couple sucks.

37
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,348
Enjoy it.
NRS doesn't last forever.

38
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,717
It does when
you're this awesome.

39
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,719
Hey, check it out.
Robin and I have
been keeping a tally

40
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,321
of how many beds
we've done it in.

41
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,456
We're up to
83 and a half.

42
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,591
A half?

43
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,627
Nineteenth century ottoman
in an antique shop.

44
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:07,695
(CLICKS TONGUE)

45
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,129
Hey.
Hey, what's up?

46
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,665
Hey, tiger.

47
00:02:11,732 --> 00:02:13,901
How you holding up?
Do you need a hug?

48
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:17,738
You want to talk
about yesterday?
Safe space.

49
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,040
Barney thinks Lily
asking you to wash
your dishes right away

50
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,642
is a sign
your marriage
is crumbling.

51
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,944
What? Why?

52
00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:26,680
Lily likes a clean sink,
so I do the dishes right away,
what's the big deal?

53
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:30,484
I'll tell you
what the big deal is.

54
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:33,654
You know how
I was always the best
at being single?

55
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,289
BOTH: No.

56
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:38,959
Well, now I am the best
at relationships.

57
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,328
Even better
than you and Lily.

58
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,596
Aw. Look at you.

59
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,365
Had a girlfriend
for five minutes,

60
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,267
you think you can play
with the big boys,
adorable.

61
00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:49,870
Son, I've been
in a relationship
since you had a ponytail

62
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,240
and were playing
Dave Matthews
on your mama's Casio.

63
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,275
I'm a good boyfriend
in my sleep.

64
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,577
I can rock a killer
foot rub with one hand

65
00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:59,146
and brew a kick-ass
pot of chamomile
in the other

66
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,814
that would make
you weep.

67
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:04,652
Hell, I've forgotten
more about microwaving
fat-free popcorn

68
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:07,621
and watching
Sandra Bullock movies
than you'll ever know,

69
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:10,190
but thanks for
your concern, rook.

70
00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:13,561
Marshall, let me
ask you one question.
Sure.

71
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:16,630
Do you mind
if there is a sink
full of dirty dishes?

72
00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:18,599
Not really.

73
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,101
Then it's Lily's problem,
not yours.

74
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:22,703
Yeah, but if
I said that to her,

75
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:24,305
it would only lead
to a fight, so...

76
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,308
Oh! You fight. See,
Robin and I never fight.

77
00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,676
(LAUGHING)
Of course you do.

78
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,678
No. And here's
the secret.

79
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:34,982
Every time it looks like
we're about to get
into a fight...

80
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,687
Why is there a bag of panties
labeled "April 2008"
in your closet?

81
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,404
So any time you think
you might have a fight,
you just get up and leave?

82
00:03:56,470 --> 00:03:59,740
100% effective.
Can't fight if
you're not there.

83
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:01,208
That's what
Gandhi taught us.

84
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,377
Boy, that's not true.

85
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:05,646
I can't believe
that Robin puts up
with that.

86
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:08,716
Don't worry.
She's got a great way
to avoid fights, too.

87
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,919
Um, are ties
machine-washable?

88
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:14,588
No, they most certainly
are not. Why?

89
00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,859
What is in your hand?

90
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,594
Oh, my God,
what is in your hand?

91
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:30,371
Okay, so you walk away,
Robin gets naked.

92
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,441
Those are the two
stupidest ways to handle
conflict I've ever heard.

93
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:34,642
Actually,
the naked thing
ain't bad.

94
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,178
That felt kind of weird.

95
00:04:38,245 --> 00:04:40,180
Okay, call me crazy.
BOTH: Crazy.

96
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:43,851
But when a problem comes up,
Lily and I actually
talk about it.

97
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,619
There are so many
great things to do
with the human mouth.

98
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:47,721
Why waste it on talking?

99
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,991
But if you insist,
here's what I would say
about the dishes,

100
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:52,292
if I were Lily's husband.

101
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,096
Barney, you're home!

102
00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,130
(BARNEY LAUGHING)

103
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:58,298
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

104
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,367
(BOTH MOANING)

105
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:00,768
MARSHALL: Dude.

106
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,636
Get to the point!
All right.

107
00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:04,772
Thanks, doll.

108
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,942
Ah!

109
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,978
Sweetie, are you
going to wash that?

110
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,914
I'm glad you bring that up.
No. And here's why.

111
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:20,788
Lily, I know you
don't like a dirty sink,

112
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,290
but does that make it my job
to keep it clean?

113
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,993
I mean, if one day
I look up at
the living room ceiling

114
00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:29,129
and think, "Hey,
I'd like a replica of the
Sistine Chapel up there."

115
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,764
Would it be your
job to paint it?

116
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,566
Well, no.
Of course not.

117
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:35,503
Exactly! So, baby,
by the same logic,

118
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,337
if you don't like
looking at a sink
full of dishes,

119
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:40,007
shouldn't it be
your job to clean them?

120
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:44,177
Wow.
Thanks for explaining that.
I get so confused.

121
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,879
That's because
you're a woman.

122
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:49,983
I don't even know
why we're laughing!

123
00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:51,419
Of course you don't.

124
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:54,722
(BOTH MOANING)

125
00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,590
You're kidding me
with this.

126
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:59,393
Hang on, Ted.
Let's hear the man out.

127
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:04,164
Once I have her attention,
it's time to bring out
the big guns.

128
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,967
Look, I love you.

129
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:10,237
But, baby,
with the little energy
I have left after work,

130
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:15,208
I want to
shower you with love,
not wash some silly dishes.

131
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:17,611
You're right.
I'll do the dishes.

132
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,347
Right after I do this.

133
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,749
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

134
00:06:21,815 --> 00:06:22,583
Oh.

135
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:24,852
Oh, yeah.

136
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:27,855
Now turn around.

137
00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:34,495
Firm. Oh, yeah.

138
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,263
Are you going to
hit him or should I?

139
00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:37,731
He's right.

140
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,568
No, he's not.
Marshall, look at me.

141
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,770
Do not get drawn
into Barney Stinson's
circus tent

142
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,972
of fun house mirrors
and flawed logic.

143
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:46,940
This is exactly how you got
the earring back in '03.

144
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,476
Hey, that earring
looked cool.

145
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:49,777
It did look cool,
didn't it?

146
00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:54,582
Marshall, stay with me!
Barney is wrong.

147
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:58,519
No, he isn't.
I hate doing
my dishes right away.

148
00:06:58,586 --> 00:06:59,587
You just said
you don't mind!

149
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,121
I hate it, Ted!

150
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,824
I hate it
with a boundless,
burning fury.

151
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:06,460
I hate it.
I hate it, I hate it!

152
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,095
You're welcome.

153
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,830
Hey, guys.
Hey.

154
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:12,600
Oh! Good. There you are.
You'll tell me the truth.

155
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,235
Barney says that
you two never fight.

156
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,937
Oh! I guess
that's true.

157
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:18,205
Told you.

158
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,908
No way.
I love you both,

159
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,443
but you are
the two most emotionally
ill-equipped individuals

160
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,378
in the history
of relationships.

161
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,214
You two must have had
at least one fight.

162
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,482
You know what?
We did.

163
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,583
Aha!
ROBIN: Mmm-hmm.

164
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,485
There was one
small dispute

165
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,420
about which one of us
was more awesome.

166
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:36,423
We just called it
a tie and had sex.

167
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:38,325
Speaking of which,
I am so glad

168
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:39,993
we're going
skiing this weekend.
I need a break.

169
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,329
The upstairs neighbors
are driving me crazy.

170
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:45,132
Yeah, it's bad.
I'm gonna say
something to them.

171
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:47,100
Thank you.
Great.

172
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,769
Okay, we all
have our assignments
for the weekend.

173
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:50,470
Ted, you're going
to stand up
to your neighbors.

174
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,072
Marshall,
you're going to
stand up to Lily.

175
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:54,007
And Robin, I'm gonna need you
in sort of a crouched position

176
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,609
on the bear-skin rug
at our ski chalet.

177
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,244
Ready? Break!

178
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:58,111
Bye, guys.

179
00:07:58,178 --> 00:07:59,212
Bye. Have fun.

180
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,215
(MARSHALL LAUGHS)

181
00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:06,687
Barney, you know,
with his crazy,
well-thought-out theories

182
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,889
that probably would work.

183
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,324
Marshall, I'm just gonna
say this one more time.

184
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,526
It's a bad idea.

185
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,961
I think it could work.

186
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,963
Okay, two more times.
It's a bad idea.

187
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,331
Listen, Barney lays out
some logical points.

188
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,933
Lily is
a reasonable woman.

189
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,902
I think that if
I explain it to her,

190
00:08:21,969 --> 00:08:24,071
she'll get it
and I'll get my way.

191
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:27,541
No. She'll get mad,
and you'll get in
a huge fight.

192
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:29,042
Slap bet?
Slap bet.

193
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:32,613
(DISHES CLINKING)

194
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,715
Baby, could you
wash your dishes?

195
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,619
Lily, I'm glad that
you bring that up.

196
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:44,257
Can I stay here tonight?

197
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,595
I'll make up
the sofa, buddy.

198
00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:53,466
(BARNEY AND ROBIN CHATTERING)

199
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,035
(MAKING SWOOSHING SOUND)

200
00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,940
The ski bunnies are back!

201
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:01,341
Hey, guys.
How was your trip?

202
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:02,309
(BOTH MOANING)

203
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,877
So perfect.

204
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,847
We spent the whole weekend
cuddling by the fire.

205
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,016
No black diamonds,
but a lot of red hearts.

206
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,018
Oh! (CHUCKLING)

207
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,552
(LAUGHING) Okay,
I'm gonna go unpack.

208
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:13,987
Hey, you.
Yeah?

209
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,224
Uh-huh.

210
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,626
(BARNEY GRUNTING)

211
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,027
Ooh!
Uh-huh.

212
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,263
(LAUGHING) Oh, man.

213
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:24,965
What the hell has
gotten into you two?

214
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,567
When did you become
so nauseating?

215
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:34,274
Isn't it great to finally
see her fulfilled emotionally,
spiritually and sexually?

216
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:36,343
Um, I dated her
for a year.

217
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,545
Yeah.

218
00:09:38,612 --> 00:09:40,347
Anyway, how was
your weekend?

219
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,817
Terrible, and it's all
your fault, okay?
I took your stupid advice.

220
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,055
Baby, could you
wash your dishes?

221
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:52,325
Lily, I'm glad that
you bring that up.

222
00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:54,962
No. And here is why.

223
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,597
(CLEARING THROAT)

224
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,238
Okay.

225
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,707
(CLEARING THROAT)

226
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:10,210
So, it's like this, okay.

227
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:15,348
Yeah, sure.
You want me to go ahead
and wash my dish.

228
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:20,788
But maybe I want you
to paint the ceiling, right?

229
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:23,023
And maybe I should say,

230
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,893
"Okay, yeah.
I'll wash my dish

231
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,828
"if you get up
there and just...

232
00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,463
"You paint naked babies
on the ceiling."

233
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,132
You know?
It's just like...

234
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,034
Huh?

235
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:35,703
BOTH: Huh?

236
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:40,073
I don't know what happened.
I'm a lawyer.
I argue for a living,

237
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,877
but when it comes to Lily,
I just get all flustered.

238
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:48,015
How could you not?
I mean, the girl's
all eyes and boobs.

239
00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,051
What happened to
the "I'm tired after
my draining day

240
00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:52,485
"and I want to use
my leftover energy

241
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:53,821
"showering you
with love" argument?

242
00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,656
I should have
written that down.

243
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,092
Look, Lily, I...

244
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:01,561
I make more
money than you.

245
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:02,863
Excuse me?

246
00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,434
Dance for me.

247
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,268
Oh, Marshall.

248
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,837
Dude.

249
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,072
It all made so much sense
when you said it,

250
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,807
but when I said it,
it turned into a fight.

251
00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,375
And once Lily and
I start fighting,

252
00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:19,747
the fight starts to
mutate and multiply.

253
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,115
MARSHALL:
Sure, it started with
the dishes, but then...

254
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:25,218
So you're saying
that you shouldn't
have to wash dishes

255
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,287
because you work
harder than me?

256
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,690
Okay, that's not what
I'm saying, but it's true.

257
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,892
MARSHALL:
And then all of a sudden,

258
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,393
we're also fighting
about who works harder.

259
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,162
I teach kindergarten.

260
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,697
I am molding
the future leaders
of tomorrow.

261
00:11:37,765 --> 00:11:40,167
You eat cookies
and glue stuff.

262
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,869
MARSHALL:
And soon
more fights spin off.

263
00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:44,437
I can't believe
you'd rather be killed...

264
00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,106
MARSHALL: Until there are
more fights going on than
you can even keep track of.

265
00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,208
LILY: If you need to go
in the middle of the night,

266
00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:51,044
either turn
the bathroom light on
or sit down.

267
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:53,546
MARSHALL: My mother
does not hate you.

268
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,949
She is neutral about you.

269
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:58,786
I am not scared of
your Shining impression.

270
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:02,022
I just don't need to hear it,
especially at night.

271
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:05,525
"Danny's not here,
Mrs. Torrance."

272
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,227
Please don't do that.

273
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:10,898
Man, Lily fights dirty.

274
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:14,201
She's small but vicious,
like a badger

275
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:15,969
that your brothers caught
and starved for five days

276
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:18,939
and then put in
your sleeping bag.

277
00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,908
I should just go home
and apologize.

278
00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:24,477
No. What you need
is a surge. Fight harder.

279
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:28,248
Picture it, Marshall,

280
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,017
never having to
wash another dish
as long as you live,

281
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,652
yet all the dishes
are always clean.

282
00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:36,023
Why, this would
take all the anxiety
out of snacking.

283
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,491
No more holding
open your shirt

284
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,161
to form a makeshift bowl
for your salty treats.

285
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:43,530
That world is yours,
Marshall.

286
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:48,869
Reach out, take it.
Dip it in some
ranch dressing, enjoy.

287
00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,307
He's right.
No!

288
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:56,343
Barney's stupid ideas
are what got you
into this quagmire.

289
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,611
There's no exit strategy.
Just wash your stupid dishes.

290
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,848
No! Those dishes
are my manhood.

291
00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,583
And if I want to
leave my manhood
dirty in the sink,

292
00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,718
caked with ketchup
and pasta...
What are you eating?

293
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:08,121
...then damn it,
that's my right!

294
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,891
I'll wash my manhood
when I'm good and ready!

295
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:12,559
Where was he not sitting?

296
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:17,164
Hmm. Hey, Barnstormer.
Hey, Ro-Ro.

297
00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,966
Ooh!

298
00:13:19,032 --> 00:13:21,001
Okay, now you have
adorable nicknames?

299
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,936
Seriously,
what's going on
with you two?

300
00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,138
Nothing.
We're just happy.

301
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,208
It's like Gandhi said,
"Smile don't cost
nothing, sugar."

302
00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:31,111
I'm not sure you know
who Gandhi is.

303
00:13:31,178 --> 00:13:32,812
So, Ted, did you talk
to our neighbors?

304
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:37,517
Yes, yeah, I did.
I went up there ready
to set them straight.

305
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:38,518
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

306
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:41,321
(BAGPIPES STOP)

307
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,496
They're old?

308
00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,463
Really old.

309
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:53,066
So what did you do?

310
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,667
Well, I didn't have the heart
to tell them to stop,

311
00:13:54,734 --> 00:13:56,469
because, well,
good for them.

312
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:59,739
So I just welcomed
them to the building,
had a hard candy,

313
00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:02,309
nodded politely
at some racist comments
and then left.

314
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,513
OLDER TED:
Over the next couple of days,

315
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,282
Barney and Robin
continued to be
happier than ever.

316
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,051
And Marshall and Lily
continued to fight.

317
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:15,722
I don't care
if the dishes aren't done.
Okay, if you care, you do it.

318
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:18,992
Great. Then I don't care
if you have an orgasm.

319
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,161
If you care, you do it.

320
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:24,631
I went 18 years
without the touch
of a woman.

321
00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:25,798
I can do it again.

322
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,600
You might have to.

323
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,137
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

324
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,871
OLDER TED: And I continued
to hear more bagpiping than
the St. Paddy's Day parade.

325
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:39,712
I don't know what to do.
Lily and I have never
had a fight this long.

326
00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,314
It's like
I don't even exist.

327
00:14:41,381 --> 00:14:44,717
On Sunday morning,
she made pancake, Ted.

328
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:47,620
Pancake and bacon strip.

329
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:52,459
It's your own fault.
You took relationship
advice from Barney.

330
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:53,826
Well, maybe Barney
has it all figured out.

331
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,262
(TED SCOFFS)

332
00:14:55,328 --> 00:14:58,031
He and Ro-Ro are
the best couple now.

333
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,299
Lily and I have
been dethroned.

334
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,101
You know what,
I'm not buying it.

335
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:04,104
All that cutesy,
lovey-dovey crap,
that's not them.

336
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:07,007
And I know for a fact
that Robin hates nicknames.

337
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,277
Thanks, Robbsy-wobbsy.

338
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:13,580
Yeah, I don't do nicknames.

339
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,082
Finished with
the sports page,
Sherbs?

340
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:16,549
Seriously, stop.

341
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,221
Hey, Robin, it's T-Mose.

342
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,057
Yeah, I don't like
them on you, either.

343
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,625
Well, she obviously
likes them now.

344
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:29,997
And come on,
somebody had to put
an end to T-Mose.

345
00:15:30,063 --> 00:15:33,466
No, T-Mose was awesome.

346
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,568
I'm thinking of
bringing it back.

347
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,405
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

348
00:15:38,471 --> 00:15:41,774
Bagpiping sounds
a little different today.
It's all echo-y.

349
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,943
Yeah. They're in
the bathroom.

350
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,313
I think they're bagpiping
on the shower chair.

351
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,848
OLDER TED:
And just like that,

352
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,817
I realized exactly
how to get the real scoop
on Barney and Robin.

353
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,619
Hey, Ted.
How are Marshall and Lily?

354
00:15:52,685 --> 00:15:54,421
I worry about those two,
I really do.

355
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,823
You and your big,
giant heart.

356
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:59,226
Okay, enough.
The jig is up.

357
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,529
Ted, whatever
do you mean?

358
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:03,663
Who's this guy?

359
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:04,964
We'll get to that.

360
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:06,633
You see, I knew
something was wrong.

361
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:10,970
You two were too happy,
too shiny, too nickname-y.

362
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:12,405
Didn't add up.

363
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:15,542
You two never fight?
Horse apples.

364
00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:19,312
You fight all the time.

365
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:21,914
How would
you know that?

366
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,550
Phil told me.

367
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,218
Who the hell is Phil?

368
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:26,786
Your downstairs neighbor.

369
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:30,990
Hi. I'm Phil. 12 B.

370
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:33,493
And he's heard
everything.

371
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,169
So Phil tells me that Ro-Ro
and the Barnstormer

372
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:45,638
have been fighting a lot.
Care to explain?

373
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,009
(BOTH SIGHING)

374
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:53,213
Okay. Everything
was going great.

375
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,748
Our no-fighting techniques
were working perfectly

376
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:57,750
until we went
on that ski trip
last weekend.

377
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,786
Hmm.

378
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,389
So I showed Marshall
that Lily's argument
was bananas

379
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,624
and now
he'll never have to
wash another dish.

380
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,159
High two.

381
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,927
That's terrible advice.

382
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,962
What? You agree
with Lily? You...

383
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,531
(CHAIR LIFT JAMS)

384
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,737
BARNEY: Oh, no.
We're about to
get in a fight,

385
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,606
and I can't run away.

386
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:20,940
ROBIN:
I can't take my clothes off.

387
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:23,143
It's freezing up here.
I'd get hypothermia.

388
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,877
Maybe I can jump it?

389
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:26,213
Maybe just my pants?

390
00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:31,251
This no-fighting
thing is over, huh?

391
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,122
I think so.

392
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:35,988
How could you possibly...
I can't believe...

393
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,257
...agree with Lily?
...that you made Lily

394
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:39,426
get in a fight about this!
She's shorter than him!

395
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:42,162
And it didn't end there.
We've been fighting
ever since.

396
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,864
All those fights
we kept not having,
they all came back around.

397
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,032
The bag of panties.

398
00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:47,434
The tie Robin murdered.

399
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,103
The tiny camera
I found in
the headboard.

400
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,872
That's how a quarterback
stays sharp.

401
00:17:52,939 --> 00:17:55,608
Monday morning,
he sits on a bag of ice
and studies the game tape.

402
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,444
Barney,
for the millionth...
You don't get to be...

403
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,478
...using
football analogies...
...as good as I am...

404
00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,512
...and studying
technique!

405
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,614
...does not make it
any less creepy.

406
00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:04,784
I knew it! I knew
you guys were acting
too cute and perfect.

407
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,820
Look, we were just sick
of everyone pointing out

408
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:10,623
how crappy
at relationships
we both are.

409
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,193
Yeah, it was sort of nice
to be the perfect couple
for a minute.

410
00:18:13,260 --> 00:18:14,627
TED: I knew you were lying.

411
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,597
You got to wake up
pretty early to
slip one by the T-Mose.

412
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:18,598
Stop it.

413
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,336
(LILY IN SING-SONG TONE)
Marshall, dinner's ready.

414
00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,072
Did you...
Did you make any for me?

415
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:28,308
LILY: No,
but it's your favorite.

416
00:18:29,242 --> 00:18:30,310
(DOORBELL RINGING)

417
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:40,052
(SIGHING) Hey.
We need your advice.

418
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,054
OLDER TED:
So Barney and Robin
told Lily and Marshall

419
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,556
all about their fighting.

420
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,358
And let's just say,
that in comparison,

421
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,327
their little dishes spat
seemed pretty tame.

422
00:18:47,394 --> 00:18:48,127
(HEAVY-METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

423
00:18:48,195 --> 00:18:49,462
(INAUDIBLE)

424
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,971
OLDER TED:
And by the end,

425
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:01,808
Lily and Marshall
both had the same reaction.

426
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,411
I'll wash my dishes
right away from now
until the day I die.

427
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,313
I don't care when
you wash the dishes.

428
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:07,880
But if it's something
cheese-based,

429
00:19:07,947 --> 00:19:09,048
like a nice ziti,
at least soak it,
okay?

430
00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:10,283
Of course, baby.

431
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:11,951
I love you.

432
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,354
I love you, too.

433
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,456
See? Right there,
how did you
just do that?

434
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:18,525
How'd you just
fix everything?
I don't know.

435
00:19:18,591 --> 00:19:22,061
I guess sometimes
you just have to
set your ego aside.

436
00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:26,366
Yeah. And remember that
the love that you have
for that other person

437
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,336
is way more important
than winning.

438
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:33,440
(BOTH LAUGHING)

439
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,174
More important
than winning.

440
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:36,909
Stop, stop it.

441
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,679
Seriously,
what's the secret?

442
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,482
Okay, look,
the honeymoon period
may be over,

443
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:46,118
but now you can get
into the real stuff.

444
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:49,689
And honestly,
that's the best part.

445
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,858
Good night.

446
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,693
So what do we do now?

447
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,263
I guess we got to
start talking more
and get into the real stuff.

448
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,998
Yeah. Or there's a bench
in the elevator.

449
00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:00,533
That's better.

450
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,236
Hey, so what if we're not
the best couple in the world?

451
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,204
Totally.
It's not a competition.
No.

452
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,673
We win!

453
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,007
Best couple
in the world!

454
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,108
Whoo!

455
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:09,976
Yeah!

456
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:18,351
Guess what?
These glasses
are plastic.

457
00:20:18,418 --> 00:20:20,653
So we can just
throw them away.

458
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,623
That means no dirty
dishes in the sink.

459
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:27,727
You're dirty.
Maybe I should
leave you in the sink.

460
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,832
OLDER TED:
And once that first argument
got worked out,

461
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:36,769
all those other arguments,
well, they got better, too.

462
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,576
(TINKLING)

463
00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,246
(BAGPIPES PLAYING)