1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,638 OLDER TED: Kids, as you know, Aunt Robin grew up in Canada. 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,807 That meant sometimes she dressed a little differently. 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:10,444 Okay, let's do this! 4 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,346 Sometimes she talked a little differently. 5 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:16,050 Ted, this hydro bill is bigger than Louis Cyr's biceps. 6 00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,485 What, you leave the garburator on all night, eh? 7 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,256 She hung out at different bars 8 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,158 and enjoyed leisure time a little differently. 9 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:28,162 You want to go? You want to go? Come on! 10 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,064 Make fun of the Great White North all you want, 11 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,031 it's the best country in the world. 12 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,167 Mmm-hmm. 13 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,136 Social experiment. 14 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:38,072 U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A. 15 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:41,342 (CROWD CHANTING) 16 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:44,145 Okay, okay. You know, what does that even prove, okay? 17 00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:45,379 You chant anything, people will join in. 18 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:51,085 (CHANTING) Canada, Canada... 19 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:53,621 Okay, they won't chant anything. 20 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:59,227 Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice. 21 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,829 (CROWD CHANTING) Shrimp fried rice, shrimp fried rice... 22 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,863 Shrimp fried rice, totally. 23 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,433 (LAUGHS) 24 00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,601 Anyway, speaking of food, Marshall, I've got some bad news. 25 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,138 Just read online, Gazzola's is closing. 26 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,373 No! What's Gazzola's? 27 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,376 A filthy mecca of spectacular if undercooked pizza 28 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,479 located at 316 Kinzie Street, Chicago, Illinois. 29 00:01:18,512 --> 00:01:21,182 Back in college, Ted and I used to take these crazy road trips 30 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,851 from Connecticut all the way to Chicago just for a Gazzola's pizza. 31 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:27,655 Twenty-two hours. No map. We'd just jump in the Fiero and drive. 32 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:29,623 We were like Lewis and Clark, 33 00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,625 if Lewis and Clark peed in empty soda bottles 34 00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:34,328 and had a bong made out of a cantaloupe. 35 00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:38,566 Man, those Gazzola's trips, that's when we really became bros. 36 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,434 We ate nothing but jerky. 37 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,270 Drank nothing but Tantrum. 38 00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,338 OLDER TED: Ah, Tantrum. 39 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:47,208 Tantrum was a soft drink with the highest caffeine content 40 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,477 legally available over the counter. 41 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:52,613 It was eventually discontinued after an extensive study by the FDA. 42 00:01:57,185 --> 00:02:00,154 Oh, man, we went through a whole case of Tantrum one trip. 43 00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:02,656 I was color-blind for two weeks after that. 44 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:06,160 I think that's the reason that I pass out when I hear church bells. 45 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,396 It's probably a good thing they're closing Gazzola's. 46 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,364 Those trips were brutal, right? 47 00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,767 The long hours in the car, the motion sickness, the smell... 48 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,269 So, what time are we leaving for Gazzola's tomorrow? 49 00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:16,370 I was thinking 9:00, 9:30. Hmm. 50 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:33,321 I am ready to hit the road. I got baby wipes. 51 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:37,258 I got a variety of jerky. I got six cans of Tantrum. 52 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:39,460 Well, four. One burned through the can, the other one I drank already. 53 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,763 (GRUNTS) Tantrum! 54 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,965 I am so psyched! Marshall and I haven't done something 55 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,235 just the two of us for so long. 56 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:50,204 Ever since he got married, he's turned from an "I" to a "we." 57 00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:52,440 What do you mean? Think about it. 58 00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:54,408 Hey, haven't seen you all week. How you doing? 59 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:56,677 We're doing great. 60 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,911 Did you watch the Jets game? 61 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,380 We most certainly did. 62 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,650 How'd things go at the doctor? 63 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,818 We no longer have a hemorrhoid problem. 64 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,290 Hmm. 65 00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,524 You guys will not believe this. 66 00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:13,227 I've been talking to my lawyer all morning. 67 00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:14,895 You know that guy I had a slight disagreement with at the Hoser Hut? 68 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,530 He's filing assault charges. 69 00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:17,765 (SCREAMING) Come on! 70 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:20,534 I broke his nose with a chair. 71 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:22,536 And now, apparently, I might end up getting deported. 72 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:24,472 Oh, my God, that sucks! Yeah. 73 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,340 I'm gonna go do push-ups in the kitchen. 74 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,342 Tantrum! (GRUNTS) 75 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,379 Well, there's only one possible way to avoid getting deported. 76 00:03:31,412 --> 00:03:33,714 My lawyer said I can become an American citizen. 77 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,983 Perfect. Problem solved. Welcome aboard. 78 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:39,620 Well, it's not that simple. I'm a Canadian. I was born there. 79 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,423 My family's there. It's who I am. 80 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:44,958 I know, and it's provided us with a lot of laughs. 81 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,961 But, Robin, if you want to live here, work here, 82 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:51,365 and throw chairs at people here, you have to do this. 83 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:53,734 Well, there's a citizenship test tomorrow. 84 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,769 (MUTTERING) I'll think about it. 85 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,038 No, no, you have to do it. I'll help you study. 86 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,807 We're gonna stay up all night long. 87 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,776 I'm gonna drill you, and then we're gonna study. 88 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,678 No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming 89 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,013 and then we're gonna study. 90 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,048 No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on... 91 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,617 Okay, Barney. Sorry. 92 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,452 It's a rich area. It is. 93 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,687 But, you know, it's not going to be easy, this test. 94 00:04:13,721 --> 00:04:15,756 It's not like the Canadian citizenship test. 95 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:18,025 How do you know the Canadian test is easy? 96 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,060 It's Canada. 97 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,862 Question one. Do you want to be Canadian? 98 00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:23,697 Question two. Really? 99 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,868 (YELLING) Ted! Ted! Check it out! 100 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:30,438 I got black coffee on the left, I got Tantrum on the right! 101 00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:31,305 Do you have a phone book? 102 00:04:31,339 --> 00:04:32,873 Yes, I do! 103 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,408 I don't know why they make phone books anymore. 104 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:35,509 Everything's online, right? 105 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,044 (SCREAMS) 106 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,278 Tantrum! Tantrum! 107 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,849 All right, let's hit the road. 108 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,351 You invited Lily? 109 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,485 We most certainly did! 110 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,657 I don't know if you caught that, but he did the "we" thing. 111 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:50,358 Yeah, I heard him. Okay. 112 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,397 Road trip! (MARSHALL CHUCKLES) 113 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,799 So, you guys want to talk about bitches? 114 00:04:58,832 --> 00:04:59,933 I'm kidding. They're called women. 115 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,603 (CAR STARTING) 116 00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,672 All right, next stop, Chicago. 117 00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:07,741 I have to pee. 118 00:05:07,775 --> 00:05:09,643 What... Couldn't you have gone before we left? 119 00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:11,645 I did. I just pee a lot. You'll see. 120 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,623 Don't worry, we'll get out on the road, it'll be just like old times. 121 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,725 OLDER TED: It wasn't. 122 00:05:24,758 --> 00:05:27,728 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) * And I would walk 500 miles 123 00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,498 * And I would walk 500 more... * 124 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:34,001 Sugar snap pea? 125 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,836 Pea, that reminds me. I have to pee. 126 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,372 (BOTH LAUGHING) 127 00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,007 Okay, straight, straight, straight. 128 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,009 Now, wait, a little to the left. 129 00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,877 We'll pass a state trooper! 130 00:05:45,813 --> 00:05:46,914 Punch buggy yellow! 131 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,582 (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) 132 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,783 Yellow, that reminds me. I have to pee. 133 00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:52,553 (POP MUSIC BLARING ON RADIO) 134 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,088 Thank you! 135 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,127 Great. 136 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,762 Hey, Ted... You can't have to go again. 137 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,064 It's not humanly possible. 138 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:06,734 No, I was just going to say maybe we should listen to something. 139 00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:08,702 That's a great idea. I think I have some Jerky Boys. 140 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,971 Good bye, Sparky. 141 00:06:11,004 --> 00:06:13,674 It's an audio book about a boy and his dog. 142 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,875 It made Elisabeth Hasselbeck cry. 143 00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:19,413 WOMAN ON STEREO: Good bye Sparky, by Nick Leotti. 144 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,914 Read to you by Kenny Rogers. 145 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,082 Oh. 146 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,985 ROGERS: Chapter One. When I first saw Sparky, 147 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:27,655 he reminded me of my favorite comb. 148 00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:30,824 He was missing a lot of teeth, but I loved him anyway. 149 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,826 Mother was fit to be tied 150 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:35,596 every time he used her prized rhododendron to do his business. 151 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:36,964 (LAUGHS) 152 00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:38,932 That reminds me, I have to pee. 153 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,603 "How many stars are on the flag?" 154 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,838 Fifty. One for each state. 155 00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:46,840 "What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?" 156 00:06:46,874 --> 00:06:50,678 The Bill of Rights. Look, Barney, I know all this. I'm ready. 157 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:53,013 Ready for the test maybe, but ready to be an American? 158 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,649 Not on your sweet life. 159 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,586 For you to be an American, we got to get the Canadian out of you. 160 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:03,991 That's why I've created these questions. Question one. Who is this? 161 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,125 Queen Elizabeth II. 162 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:08,596 No, the answer is Elton John. 163 00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:11,665 Question two. What the hell is this? 164 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:12,966 Oh, Curling. It's a sport played... 165 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,603 Wrong. 166 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,071 The answer we were looking for was, "I don't care, it's dumb. 167 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,940 "Let's go buy something that's bad for us 168 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,041 "and then sue the people who made it." 169 00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:22,075 That's American, Robin. 170 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,879 ROGERS: ...because Sparky loved chasing a ball, 171 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:28,048 and it didn't much matter what kind. 172 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:31,084 Tennis ball, baseball, wiffle ball, 173 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,855 golf ball, basketball, beach ball, 174 00:07:34,888 --> 00:07:37,858 gum ball, a grapefruit, which isn't actually a ball, 175 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,527 but it's round like a ball, 176 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,529 a football, which isn't round, 177 00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,263 but it's still technically a ball, 178 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,833 Indian rubber ball... 179 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,637 WOMAN: This ends disc seven. The audio book continues on disc eight. 180 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:54,775 Disc eight. 181 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,276 ROGERS: Lacrosse ball, volleyball... 182 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,245 Oh, my God, Lily, please tell me you have to go pee! 183 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:01,248 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I do. 184 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:04,718 OLDER TED: It was the worst trip ever, but then it got worse. 185 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:07,154 Well, don't worry, the next exit's the hotel. We can go there. 186 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:09,957 Hotel? 187 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:13,894 Crumpet Manor is listed in the American registry of historic bed and breakfasts. 188 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:18,165 Our doors opened on Christmas day, 1881. 189 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:22,202 And we have catered to couples ever since. 190 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,538 Well, I mean, single people can have fun here, too, right? 191 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:27,575 Oh, I suppose I could arrange a little recreation. 192 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,709 Do you enjoy sitting on a bench? 193 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:32,479 OLDER TED: And by the end of the night, 194 00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,248 Barney had turned Robin into a real American. 195 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,951 I want to say... Jefferson? 196 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:39,720 Correct. (EXCLAIMS HAPPILY) 197 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,155 Archie Bunker's neighbor was George Jefferson. 198 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,224 (EXCLAIMS) I am nailing this. 199 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:46,126 God, I'm buzzing on America right now! 200 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,928 All right, hold your horses. 201 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,831 Now to prove that you are as American as apple pie, 202 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,602 and the childhood obesity it leads to, who is this? 203 00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:57,705 That, Barney, 204 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,976 is the American actor, beloved by millions, 205 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:06,880 the "Hey, Vern" guy from the popular series of Ernest films. 206 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:11,819 And his name, Jeff Foxworthy. Thank you. 207 00:09:11,852 --> 00:09:15,155 Jeff... No, it's Jim Varney. 208 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,157 You're kidding me. You don't know that? 209 00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:18,992 That's Jeff Foxworthy, dumbass. 210 00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:20,560 End of story. Now, shut your stupid face. 211 00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:24,297 Not only are you wrong, 212 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,900 but you are belligerently sticking to your guns, 213 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,035 and insulting me in the process. 214 00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,671 Robin Scherbatsky, 215 00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,741 you are an American. 216 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,646 Look who's back from the wishing well. 217 00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:43,183 It didn't work, I'm still here. 218 00:09:43,216 --> 00:09:46,186 Marshall, what are we doing? We should be on the road. 219 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,788 Look, Ted, we're not in college anymore, okay? 220 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,623 We don't have to drive all night. 221 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:50,924 Yeah, and besides, they have a spa. 222 00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:53,293 What kind of treatments do you offer? 223 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,363 All of our spa treatments are designed for couples. 224 00:09:56,396 --> 00:10:01,802 Would you be interested in the two-person, cornmeal body scrub? 225 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,904 OLDER TED: And then finally it happened. 226 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,840 Marshall and Lily globbed into one big married glob. 227 00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:09,677 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 228 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,180 Whoa! 229 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:17,084 I got to dial back on the Tantrum. 230 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,386 ROBIN: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be an American, y'all. 231 00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:24,692 Maybe I'll rob a liquor store. Maybe I won't. My choice. 232 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,393 Learn English! 233 00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:30,698 The Hoser Hut. 234 00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,267 I can duck in for a drink. 235 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:37,905 No, no, that life's behind me. Forget it. 236 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:41,341 Well, I could go in for just one beer. What's the harm in that? 237 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:42,743 It's a free country. 238 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:46,313 (ALL SINGING) * O Canada 239 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:50,083 * Our home and native land 240 00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,318 (CRYING) Oh, God, I miss it. 241 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:54,421 * True patriot love... 242 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,122 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 243 00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:04,397 Hey, man. Sorry about what I said before. (SHUSHING) 244 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,466 You want to go to the store and get some beer? 245 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,268 (SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) 246 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,370 Lily is asleep. 247 00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,206 I suppose I could reschedule my pedicure. 248 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,242 What the hell? But only light beer 249 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,176 because we have a couples' hike in the morning. 250 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,382 Dude, why are we pulling onto the highway? 251 00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,755 Ted, where exactly are we going to get this beer? 252 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,157 Chicago. 253 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,298 What are you doing? We can't just leave Lily. 254 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,033 When she wakes up, she's going to freak! 255 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,902 She'll have a back rub and a crumpet. 256 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,238 She'll be fine. Relax. Have some fun. 257 00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:49,176 I just abandoned my wife. How am I supposed to have fun? 258 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,245 (BOTH SINGING ALONG) * And I would walk 500 miles 259 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:55,849 * And I would walk 500 more... * 260 00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:56,984 Hey, you really think Lily's pissed? 261 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,451 If she's pissed, she's pissed. 262 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,490 OLDER TED: When Barney finally tracked down your Aunt Robin, 263 00:12:03,523 --> 00:12:05,225 it wasn't a pretty sight. 264 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:06,326 Good morning. 265 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,261 (GROANS) 266 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,198 Barney? 267 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,901 Oh, my God. What happened last night? 268 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,803 You went Canadian. 269 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,471 How Canadian? (SIGHS) 270 00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,174 This Canadian. 271 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:27,147 Oh, that was supposed to be a dramatic view of the Toronto... 272 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,115 You're in Toronto. 273 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,852 Oh, God. 274 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:34,855 Okay. It's coming back to me. 275 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,959 I went into the Hoser Hut 276 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:41,294 (SIGHS) and I met this women's curling team. 277 00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,164 We started drinking. 278 00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:45,498 And the next thing I know, they're inviting me 279 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:47,968 to a Bryan Adams/Rich Little double bill in Toronto. 280 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,404 But how did you find me, anyway? 281 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,241 You called me, said you were never coming back. 282 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,810 So, I jumped on a plane, flew across the Atlantic... 283 00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,378 Canada isn't across the Atlantic. 284 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,480 You're talking nonsense. 285 00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,851 Now, listen. You slipped up. It's fine. 286 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,085 The test is in a few hours... 287 00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:07,154 Barney, I'm not taking the test. 288 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,822 God, you're still drunk. 289 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:11,058 (SIGHS) 290 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:13,827 Look, I appreciate your help, but who am I kidding? 291 00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:16,830 I'm Canadian. I always will be. 292 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,432 Now, that's ridiculous. 293 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,535 We're gonna get some coffee in you, we'll sober you up, 294 00:13:22,569 --> 00:13:25,105 and get you back to New York for that test. 295 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,575 But, before any of that, we're gonna do it on this bed 296 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,010 'cause, hotel room. 297 00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,914 Okay, let's get some coffee. 298 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:38,218 TED: A little rubbery. Room temperature. 299 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,153 Kind of gross. Making me wonder if this pizza 300 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,289 is worth the 22-hour drive. 301 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,991 Just like old times! 302 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:47,327 I feel so young again except for the chest pains. 303 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,263 But this crust is so good. What is the secret to this crust? 304 00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:52,265 It's no big secret. It's made of cornmeal. 305 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:55,502 Cornmeal. 306 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,305 We'd love a cornmeal body scrub! 307 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:02,342 I can't believe you guys are closing. 308 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,844 I can't believe we're still open. Gotcha! 309 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,580 These are getting bigger. 310 00:14:11,151 --> 00:14:14,187 It's like an entire country without a tailor. 311 00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,288 Yeah, give me two coffees. 312 00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:17,157 $3.50, please. 313 00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,992 Hey, what did you think of the game last night? 314 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,127 What game? 315 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,962 The Leafs beat Edmonton. 316 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,464 Beauchemin went five-hole in OT. 317 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,066 I guess I missed it. 318 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,367 Oh, sorry. You're American. 319 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,435 Here's your change. 320 00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,303 I'm not American. 321 00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:32,572 American money? Didn't watch the Leafs game? 322 00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,641 No "please" or "thank you" for the coffee? 323 00:14:34,674 --> 00:14:36,209 You sure don't seem like a Canadian. 324 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,049 What's wrong? 325 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:46,219 Other than the fact that this five-dollar bill they gave you is blue. 326 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:49,689 I'm not American, and, apparently, I'm not Canadian, either. 327 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,060 And there's kids playing hockey on the back. 328 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,328 It's like you want us to make fun of you. 329 00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:01,301 I don't want this anymore. 330 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:03,270 Dude, don't look at it. That's a rookie mistake. 331 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,205 We shouldn't have left Lily. 332 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,007 Well, if you're so worried, why don't you give her a call? 333 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,176 I have. I left her, like, 20 messages. 334 00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:13,280 I said, "I'm sorry. Please forgive me. It's all Ted's fault!" 335 00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,215 What exactly is "Ted's fault"? 336 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,384 This! This whole thing! We were having a perfectly nice trip, 337 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,020 and then you kidnapped me. You didn't even let me put on underwear! 338 00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,388 We never used to put on underwear! 339 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,394 That was the fun of a bros' trip to Gazzola's! 340 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:31,631 We left everything and everyone behind. It was just you and me! 341 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,101 But now it's like you've disappeared into Lily. 342 00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:36,069 That is not true. It is true. 343 00:15:36,103 --> 00:15:38,371 You're not upset because you're worried she's mad. 344 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,007 You're upset because you'd rather be with her, eating muffins 345 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,642 than here with me, eating this delicious... 346 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:43,543 I think one of my mushrooms just crawled away. 347 00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:49,016 You know what? That mushroom's not the only thing that's leaving. 348 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,020 Car keys, please. 349 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,062 (GRUNTS) 350 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,602 Look at this money! 351 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,372 This one has a moose, this one has a beaver, 352 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:13,206 and they all have Elton John on the back. 353 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,244 When I moved to the States, 354 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,779 I swore to myself, I wasn't going to change. 355 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:23,216 And yet, here I am, in the most Canadian place in the universe, 356 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:26,486 Tim Hortons, around the corner from the Hockey Hall of Fame, 357 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,655 and I don't belong. 358 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,157 It's like I don't have a country. 359 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:32,525 Okay, that's it. 360 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,196 Attention, Canada! 361 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:40,267 I am Barney from America. 362 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,569 And I'm here to fix your backward-ass country. 363 00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,438 Number one. Get real money. 364 00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:49,142 Don't know what board game this came from, but it's a joke. 365 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:52,145 Number two, and this is the biggie, 366 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:55,682 quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away 367 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,384 because, guess what? You don't want her? 368 00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:59,552 I'm planting my flag in her, 369 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,488 if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, 370 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,457 and getting her the hell out of here. 371 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,193 You may now return to being pointless. 372 00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,030 (SIGHS) 373 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,767 Oh, this coffee is excellent. 374 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,239 Oh, hey, fellas. 375 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,042 It's called a tie. 376 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,423 ROGERS: Sparky was my best friend, 377 00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:38,558 but after I married Helen, 378 00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:42,429 old Spark started to feel a little left out. 379 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:45,098 For so long, it had been just me and him, 380 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:49,269 but now he suddenly felt like Helen had taken his place. 381 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:52,405 What Sparky didn't realize was, even though I loved Helen, 382 00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:54,774 I still loved him, too. 383 00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,777 I had room in my heart for both of them. 384 00:17:57,810 --> 00:17:59,579 But maybe I should have put aside 385 00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:02,515 some special ball-tossing time just for the two of us 386 00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:05,084 to make sure Sparky knew that he was a good boy. 387 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:08,255 I wish now I had, 388 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:11,258 'cause old Sparky ran out in front of a Cadillac 389 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,193 and got splattered like a watermelon 390 00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:15,428 in one of them Gallagher shows. 391 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,364 I'm sorry, Ted! I'm sorry! No, I'm sorry. 392 00:18:17,397 --> 00:18:19,232 I never should have been mad at you! 393 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:20,700 No, I never should have brought Lily. She pees all the time, 394 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:21,734 even at the apartment. 395 00:18:23,736 --> 00:18:24,571 Still bros? 396 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:26,439 Best bros. 397 00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:30,777 Hey, you want to crank some Van Halen just like old times? 398 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:31,811 Hells, yeah! 399 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:34,581 Or listen to the Sparky book again? 400 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:35,848 Listen to the Sparky book again. 401 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:36,649 Okay. Let's listen to it again. 402 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:41,754 Man, those Canadian doctors bandaged me up, 403 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,857 reset my jaw, put my shoulder back in its socket, 404 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,826 and they didn't even bill me. Idiots. 405 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,531 All right, I guess they're not idiots. 406 00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:52,199 The coffee was extraordinary. 407 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:58,605 I guess Canada's not so bad. 408 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:02,409 They play their cards right, maybe they can even become a state someday. 409 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:05,445 Barney, I've thought about this. 410 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,215 When you stood up and told off those people, I thought, 411 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,616 "Yeah, America's cool." 412 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,352 Hmm. 413 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,686 And then when those guys pounded the stuffing out of you, 414 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,457 I thought, "Yeah, Canada's pretty cool, too." 415 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,226 In fact, after you passed out, 416 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:20,660 I may have taken a few pokes myself. 417 00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:25,232 So, I've decided, dual citizenship. 418 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,367 I'm going to be American and Canadian. 419 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,735 Wait, you can do that? 420 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,537 Yeah, dummy. 421 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,672 Instead of being a woman with no country, 422 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,507 I'm going to be a woman with two. 423 00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:35,975 I see. 424 00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,877 You understand? 425 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,347 No, I can see out of my left eye again. 426 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:51,558 Hey, baby? Baby? 427 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,493 Mmm-hmm? Yeah? 428 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,927 I'm so sorry that we left you. 429 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:58,931 Did you go somewhere, sweetie? 430 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:04,637 OLDER TED: Yes, kids, it turns out 431 00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,406 Crumpet Manor had pampered Lily 432 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,941 into a nearly comatose state of relaxation. 433 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,877 She didn't even notice we were gone. 434 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,712 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 435 00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:14,314 (MOANING) 436 00:20:15,815 --> 00:20:16,716 (CELL PHONE VIBRATING) 437 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,285 Oh! 438 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,689 Oh, yeah... 439 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:26,526 So, I had a great time, too. 440 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:29,329 That's good. And I'm so sorry you didn't get any pizza. 441 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:31,264 That's okay. 442 00:20:31,298 --> 00:20:32,665 OLDER TED: And if she didn't mean it then, 443 00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,501 she certainly meant it 19 minutes later. 444 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,569 God, my stomach! 445 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,771 Damn you, Gazzola's! (GROANS) 446 00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,673 It's like a hot ball of lead! 447 00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:42,942 Baby, cut it out of me. 448 00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:44,944 Cut it out! 449 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:52,018 That was a wild trip, huh, Ted? 450 00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:53,720 I know. It was kind of crazy. 451 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,855 But how great is it to drink some Tantrum again? 452 00:20:55,888 --> 00:20:57,924 You know who had fun, was Lily. 453 00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,593 Lily drank like, four cans of the stuff. Right, Lil? 454 00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,430 Where's Lily? 455 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,366 Tantrum! I have to pee.