1 00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:05,539 OLDER TED: It was the fall of 2009 and I was a professor now. 2 00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:07,808 So, I decided to change my look a little bit. 3 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,377 And people were noticing. 4 00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:11,545 Ah, tweed. 5 00:00:11,579 --> 00:00:14,248 Textile of the eunuch. 6 00:00:14,282 --> 00:00:16,784 You know, I've always wondered why those tweed jackets have elbow patches. 7 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,253 Because the people who wear them are constantly going, 8 00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,489 "Aw, geez, why can't I get laid?" 9 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,757 You are wrong. 10 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:26,060 The ladies dig the professor look. 11 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,795 You know, there is something to that. 12 00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:31,665 I remember thinking my tenth grade math teacher was very sexy. 13 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,467 I wonder if Harold's still in jail. 14 00:00:34,568 --> 00:00:36,637 What? Tax evasion. 15 00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,708 Among other things. 16 00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:44,378 So, guys, Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place 17 00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,314 for a little couples' night. 18 00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:49,250 Sure. Why not? 19 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:50,651 OLDER TED: For years, Marshall and Lily had been 20 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:53,387 the only married couple in a group full of single people. 21 00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:54,655 It got lonely. 22 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:56,857 (DOORBELL RINGING) 23 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,526 So, they were always searching for another couple to double-date. 24 00:00:58,559 --> 00:00:59,760 There was only one problem. 25 00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:02,363 Welcome. Gouda? 26 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,365 They sucked at it. 27 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,300 (LAUGHING) This is great. 28 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:09,270 We're having fun. You're having fun, right? 29 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:13,241 So, should we just go ahead and lock the four of us in for New Year's? 30 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:16,177 Um, it's April. 31 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:19,113 Right. Sorry. We're getting ahead of ourselves. 32 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,814 Let's talk Thanksgiving. 33 00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:23,151 (GASPS) Our parents (IN SING SONG) really want to meet you! 34 00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:30,791 Well, we should probably be going. 35 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:33,427 Wait. No, wait, if you leave now, Colonel Mustard just gets away with it. 36 00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,629 It's getting pretty late. We're going to go. 37 00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:36,564 There's still pie. 38 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:43,604 Tonight was fantastic. We should do it again. 39 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:50,444 I'm sorry, Marshall, but Falguni and I are just not that into you. And you. 40 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,813 OLDER TED: But just when Lily and Marshall were about to give up, 41 00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:55,416 two of their best friends in the world got together. 42 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,351 (DOOR OPENING) And hope returned to their hearts. 43 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,453 (WHOOPING) 44 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,255 So, when Lily said... 45 00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,457 Marshall and I wanted to invite you to our place 46 00:02:03,491 --> 00:02:05,259 for a little couples' night. 47 00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:08,396 Sure, why not? 48 00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:10,631 OLDER TED: Barney and Robin had no idea what they were about to walk into. 49 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,266 Okay. Game time. 50 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,835 Let's review the flow of the room. 51 00:02:14,868 --> 00:02:17,905 Barney and Robin enter here. Stop here for margaritas. 52 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,773 That's a great conversation starter. 53 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,775 We can tell them about our trip to Cabo. 54 00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,944 Great, 'cause I got that story about Sammy Hagar 55 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,879 and the Belgian waffle locked and loaded. 56 00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:28,282 Then we'll move on to the hot apps station. 57 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,651 And, depending on how things are going, 58 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,786 some lively pre-dinner charades. 59 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,789 Right, but we'll play that one by... 60 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:39,260 Sounds like? 61 00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,229 Okay, you can be Robin's partner. 62 00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,496 (DOORBELL RINGING) 63 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,233 Baby, we can do this. 64 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:52,273 Welcome. Gouda? 65 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,309 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, my half-baked theory that ladies dig the professor look 66 00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:56,910 was actually proving to be true. 67 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,412 So, is it hard to grade papers? 68 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,348 No, you just got to make it fun. 69 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:04,518 For example, every time I spot a grammatical error, I do a shot. 70 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,687 I'm trashed right now, and I blame our public school system. 71 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,622 (GIGGLES) 72 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,459 Sometimes things just seem to magically fall into place. 73 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:14,228 So, you said you live right upstairs? 74 00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,496 Whether it's in the dating world... 75 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,298 Take care. Bye. Bye! 76 00:03:17,331 --> 00:03:19,867 ...or the double-dating world. 77 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,902 Nailed it! Best night ever! 78 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,906 Worst night ever. 79 00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:28,809 (SIGHS) 80 00:03:44,992 --> 00:03:47,861 Hey, how was the big couples' night with Marshall and Lily? 81 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:50,631 Brutal. Really? How? 82 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:54,735 It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call. 83 00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,270 Yeah, and they were so nervous, 84 00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:58,306 that they weren't even making sense half the time. 85 00:03:58,339 --> 00:03:59,807 Hey. Come on in. 86 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,675 Would you like a margarita? 87 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,411 In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle! 88 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:09,717 And they kept shoving platters of food in our faces. 89 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,453 Let me guess. Did Marshall get, like, super intense about the cheese? 90 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:13,854 (GASPS) Yeah, how'd you know? 91 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,623 Poor Marshall. 92 00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,758 Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she lets Marshall do 93 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,594 is pick out one sad block of cheese. 94 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,763 That's prosciutto-wrapped melon. 95 00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,865 You guys are going to want to get in on this gouda. 96 00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:27,468 That's seared scallops with a mango chutney. 97 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,737 Seriously, don't sleep on the gouda. 98 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,873 And that's lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil. 99 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:36,477 Tick tock goes the gouda clock. 100 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,979 We didn't realize there was gonna be dinner. 101 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,081 We sucked down a couple of tacos outside the subway. 102 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,816 P.S., not sitting great. 103 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:49,990 And if anything didn't go according to plan, they would freak out. 104 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,326 What do you mean, the egg timer is broken? 105 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,994 What are we going to use for charades, sweetie? 106 00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:55,363 I'm working on it, darling. 107 00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,765 Okay? Just stall them. 108 00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,901 Now, Robin. You work in television. 109 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:04,705 We're experiencing some technical difficulties. You get that? 110 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,375 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) So, we're still laughing. 111 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,076 Right? Laugh, Marshall. 112 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:11,178 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 113 00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,616 Come on, they just got excited. 114 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,051 They've been looking for couple best friends forever. 115 00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:19,653 Plus, I'm sure they weren't that bad. 116 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:23,357 Show him. 117 00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:27,695 This is a web site Marshall already made about last night. 118 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:30,498 It's called itwasthebestnightever.com. 119 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:37,137 MARSHALL: * It was the best night ever 120 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,674 * Laughter raining down like April showers 121 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,678 * Oh, we talked for hours... 122 00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,883 Oh, that's no good. 123 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:53,754 * Best night ever Then we played charades 124 00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:57,491 * Lily made some créme brûlée 125 00:05:57,525 --> 00:06:00,528 * And now that we're best couple friends 126 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:05,433 * There's only one thing left to say... 127 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,769 * Are you free? Are you free? 128 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,471 * Are you free? Are you free? 129 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,806 * Are you free next Saturday? 130 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,442 That's the 17th. 131 00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:15,776 * Are you free? 132 00:06:15,809 --> 00:06:16,544 Friday or Sunday would also work. 133 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:19,580 Or basically any other day. 134 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,816 Needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses. 135 00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,919 I don't understand. If last night went so horribly, 136 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,955 why do Lily and Marshall think it was such a hit? 137 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,723 I mean, we knew we were gonna have fun tonight, 138 00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,426 but we had no idea how much. 139 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,928 Yeah, tough luck, every Saturday night I've ever had, 140 00:06:34,962 --> 00:06:36,730 'cause this one just blew you out of the water. 141 00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:37,965 Let's do it again, soon. 142 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:38,866 Yeah, we'll call you. 143 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:42,002 They're your friends! 144 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,704 Why would you just blatantly lie to them like that? 145 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,606 Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date. 146 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:48,041 Hey, Ted. Great time last night. 147 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,143 Let's do it again, soon. I'll call you. 148 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,747 (DOOR CLOSES) Right? 149 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:55,983 Who was that? 150 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,151 I don't want to brag, 151 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,954 but it seems chicks are really digging the whole professor thing. 152 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:05,559 Last night, she picked me up at the bar. And then... 153 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:09,162 Well, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch. But, hey, that happens. 154 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,165 Uh, no, it doesn't. 155 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,935 Sure, it does. You know, she was... 156 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:18,005 She was just exhausted from being turned on. 157 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,608 But you heard her. She wants to do it again, soon. 158 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:24,011 Ted, let me ask you a question. 159 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,013 Where does this girl live, exactly? 160 00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,180 Westchester. Why? 161 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:28,448 (LAUGHS) 162 00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:32,185 You're the Sexless Innkeeper. 163 00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,854 Oh, my God! You're right! 164 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:35,723 He's totally the Sexless Innkeeper! 165 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:38,125 What the hell is the Sexless Innkeeper? 166 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:42,029 Ted, many a man... Nay, many a soul 167 00:07:42,062 --> 00:07:44,131 has their own tale of the Sexless Innkeeper. 168 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,100 Why, I had a run-in with one just last year. 169 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,503 I even composed a poem about it. 170 00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,839 Would you care to hear it? Not really. 171 00:07:51,872 --> 00:07:55,208 'Twas the night before New Year's, and the weather grew mean. 172 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:58,178 It was 3:00 in the morning, and I was stranded in Queens. 173 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:04,885 The tavern grew empty. The gaslights grew dim. 174 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:08,121 The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in... 175 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:11,258 Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist? 176 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,027 Ted, it's a poem. 177 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:19,733 Last call was approaching, and my fortunes looked bleak. 178 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:24,004 Then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek. 179 00:08:24,037 --> 00:08:29,209 She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. 180 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,012 She gobbled up hot wings and swallowed the bones. 181 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,914 (CRUNCHING) 182 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:37,250 I muffled a scream and threw up in my mouth. 183 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,588 I asked, "Where do you live?" And she said, 184 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:43,691 "One block south." 185 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:47,127 I swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey. 186 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:56,069 And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. 187 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,772 Back in her cave, she prepared us a snack. 188 00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:00,107 (FLOOR CREAKING) 189 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:05,145 'Neath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. 190 00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:09,950 But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper. 191 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:13,754 And thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper. 192 00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:17,858 And so are you. 193 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:20,360 Wait, you're saying that girl just used me for a place to crash? 194 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,863 Ted, you mentioned that you live right upstairs. 195 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,766 She saw the tweed jacket, which basically says 196 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:29,336 you're not interested in, nor probably even capable of having sex. 197 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:32,305 And she thought, "Hey, free lodging." 198 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:36,109 No way. I'm not the Sexless Innkeeper. 199 00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:40,113 Ted, that girl had no intention of ever hooking up with you. 200 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:44,151 Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turndown service. 201 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,185 (EXCLAIMS) Ha! 202 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,790 Hey, guys. Good news. 203 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,825 First of all, you can ignore all the e-mails and texts we've sent you. 204 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,794 We have. Go on. 205 00:09:53,827 --> 00:09:55,629 Because we went ahead and booked 206 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,198 that couples' weekend for all of us in Vermont! 207 00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,333 Wait, you guys were serious about that? 208 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:04,938 We never joke about B&B's, especially at the height of syrup season. 209 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,074 Saturday, we've got apple-picking, 210 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,878 antiquing, then a haunted hay ride. 211 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:14,114 And then, on Sunday, we're up at 6:00 a.m. for the fall foliage hike. 212 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,850 Now, you better pack your long johns, 'cause it is cold up there. 213 00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:21,922 Look! I'm sorry that we have been dodging your calls, 214 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,692 but we respect you guys too much as friends to give you some song and dance. 215 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:25,726 You deserve the truth. 216 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,696 (EXHALES) 217 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:36,737 The US Navy has found intelligent alien life at the bottom of the ocean. 218 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,739 For reasons I can't explain, 219 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:42,342 Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition. 220 00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:45,746 Wow, Barney. That kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls 221 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,781 when you're too much of a coward to dump them. 222 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,884 Yeah. You know, that's exactly what it sounds like. 223 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,352 But if that's true, that's awesome. 224 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,089 What's going on? 225 00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:59,259 Look, all this coupley stuff, it's just not us. 226 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,928 Barney and I are barely equipped to date each other, 227 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,696 let alone you guys. 228 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,198 Plus, the alien thing. 229 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:06,934 (SCOFFS) Come on, Marshall. Let's go. 230 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,201 Yeah. Let's go. 231 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:09,402 You know what, Lily... No, you know what... 232 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,238 No. You know what? 233 00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:15,242 I hope those underwater aliens are cold-blooded. 234 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,777 'Cause then you guys will get along just fine. 235 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,883 (SIGHS) 236 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,317 I think they bought it. 237 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:28,722 (CRYING) I can't believe they broke up with us. 238 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:31,291 We're so lovable. 239 00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,393 No, we're not. We're ugly and gross. 240 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,229 I thought we did everything right. 241 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,231 I know! 242 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,034 I know. We had the gouda. We had my waffle story. 243 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,770 I even sent them an awesome photo montage... 244 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,306 Nothing. 245 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:48,942 Oh, dear God. 246 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,979 Marshall, we've been over and over this. 247 00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,514 You have to stop sending those to people. 248 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,283 OLDER TED: It was true. 249 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,251 Marshall had become addicted to creating songs 250 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:02,189 and photo montages documenting various mundane events. 251 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,391 So, for months, all of Marshall's friends and professional colleagues 252 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:06,526 were getting e-mails like this. 253 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,030 MARSHALL: * Ordered Chinese food today 254 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,934 * Some moo shu pork sauce got away 255 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:17,838 * Flipped the cushion Now everything's okay * 256 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:24,845 * Cat-sitting for Lily's mom 257 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:28,348 * Cat-sitting for Lily's mom 258 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:29,582 * It's gonna be fun 259 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:32,953 * It's gonna bring us all closer together * 260 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,025 * Cat funeral 261 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,395 * Cat funeral 262 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:45,966 * It was an accident 263 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,869 * And not entirely my fault 264 00:12:48,902 --> 00:12:51,038 * Meow, meow, meow, meow 265 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,273 * Cat funeral 266 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,942 * Meow, meow, meow, meow 267 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,276 * Cat funeral 268 00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,346 We'll miss you, Whiskers. 269 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,983 * Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow... * 270 00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:07,955 I can't believe you sent them one of those. 271 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,857 They think we're insane now. 272 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,892 If I recall, they didn't dump us 273 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:13,526 until you brought up that Vermont trip. 274 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,462 It was way too early. 275 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,998 First, a boat ride around the city, then a trip to Vermont. 276 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:20,467 It's a rookie mistake, and you're better than that. 277 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,304 What about you forgetting to check the egg timer for charades? 278 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:26,439 I gave you one thing to do, Marshall. One thing. 279 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,576 One thing? One thing? 280 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:33,881 Wow. Really? 281 00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:37,350 So, I guess that gouda 282 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,452 just walked itself right through the door, 283 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,190 sliced itself up, 284 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:50,898 and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle around not three, not four, 285 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:55,202 but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers? 286 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,572 You're a sturdy, cheese-bearing cracker! 287 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:04,544 Guys, Lily and Marshall haven't been to the bar all week. 288 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,313 They're taking this really hard. 289 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,515 Ted, I could listen to this guilt trip all day, 290 00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,951 but don't you have to get back up to the inn? 291 00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,153 I mean, who's working the front desk? 292 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,256 Seriously, they're your friends. You got to go apologize. 293 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:19,659 To your point, Ted, as an innkeeper, 294 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:23,663 do you do that cheapy thing where you only change the linens upon request? 295 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:27,901 (STAMMERING) I mean, how much water is that actually saving? 296 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,269 Robin, you know I'm right. 297 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:31,171 Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. 298 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,940 Usually, it just makes it bigger. 299 00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,407 You're right. Thank you. 300 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:36,643 All that sexlessness has made you wise. 301 00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,545 (BARNEY CHUCKLES) For God's sake! 302 00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,247 Mint on the pillow, Ted! 303 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:41,114 And don't charge for Wi-Fi. It seems greedy! 304 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:41,881 Yes. 305 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:46,219 (LAUGHS) 306 00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:48,421 OLDER TED: But, eventually, even Barney and Robin had to admit 307 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,157 they owed Lily and Marshall an apology. 308 00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:54,094 Hey. We wanted to say we're sorry. 309 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:57,030 Oh, I wish you had called. 310 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,666 I swear, he was right there, just eating a Belgian waffle! 311 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,069 (ALL LAUGHING) 312 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:04,371 Well, he can't have enjoyed it as much as I'm enjoying this gouda! 313 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,573 Oh! 314 00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,642 Well, listen, now's not a good time. 315 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:11,211 But we'll call you. 316 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:12,545 Wait, wait... Look, we just want... 317 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:16,649 (SIGHS) 318 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,588 Hey! Hey, guys. 319 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,323 Hey, hey, hey! Long time no see. 320 00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:25,292 Have a seat. Hi. 321 00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,527 Oh, we can't. We're here with Py and Shea. 322 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:29,496 Yeah, so... It's just... 323 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,364 We haven't seen you guys all week. 324 00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:33,666 Hey, maybe all six of us could hang out. Yeah. 325 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:37,004 It might be weird. We're kind of on a double date. 326 00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:38,238 Yeah. Wouldn't want you to feel like 327 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:41,074 a fifth and sixth wheel. 328 00:15:41,108 --> 00:15:43,243 Who the hell are these people? 329 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,078 They just moved here from Hawaii. 330 00:15:45,112 --> 00:15:46,246 Py is a total foodie and Shea, well... 331 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,680 Mmm! 332 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:48,681 (CHUCKLING) She's... Shea... 333 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,183 Shea. 334 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:51,684 Shea is just... 335 00:15:53,653 --> 00:15:54,587 (SIGHING) 336 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:58,291 Anyhoo, we can't stay long. 337 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,327 We're just gonna grab a quick beer and then take these kooks 338 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,629 for a boat ride around the city. 339 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,564 Wow, it sounds like this is getting pretty serious. 340 00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,366 Well, we don't want to jinx it, 341 00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,701 but we kind of think they might be the two. 342 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,376 (SCOFFS) Who needs them? 343 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,245 (SCOFFS) Not us. 344 00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,712 (COUPLES LAUGHING) 345 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,316 (ALL BY MYSELF PLAYING) 346 00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,588 * Living alone 347 00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,593 * We think of all the friends we've known 348 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:40,233 * But when we dial the telephone 349 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,801 (CYCLE BELL RINGING) 350 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,703 * Nobody's home 351 00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,408 Hi. Two for dinner. 352 00:16:48,441 --> 00:16:50,009 Just the two of you? 353 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:57,550 * All by ourselves 354 00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:00,753 * Don't want to be 355 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:06,793 * All by ourselves anymore 356 00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:12,332 * All by ourselves... 357 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,735 Hey, why don't we call that weird couple down the hall from you? 358 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:17,537 You know, with the ferrets? 359 00:17:17,570 --> 00:17:19,839 Maybe they want to come over and play Taboo. 360 00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,175 After midnight? No way. We can't Tabooty-call them, 361 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:22,775 it's pathetic. 362 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,179 Hey, guys. 363 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,381 (BOTH MUTTERING) 364 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,383 Barney, are you wearing sweatpants? 365 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:32,385 Maybe. But they're Armani. 366 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,357 Okay, guys, I've got some bad news for you. 367 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:41,328 So, I'm just going to come out and say it. You're a couple. 368 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,464 And no matter how hard you try to fight it, couples need other couples. 369 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,633 That's why you miss Marshall and Lily. 370 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:47,800 And can't you just admit that? 371 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:51,671 (LAUGHS) Oh, yeah! 372 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:55,642 That was amazing, Lily! Yeah. 373 00:17:55,675 --> 00:18:00,180 I know! When I got that left-hand-yellow, I was like, "What?" 374 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,582 You guys are the best. Right back at you! 375 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,683 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 376 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,555 (CLOCK TICKING) 377 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,560 (DINGS) 378 00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,275 (DINGS) 379 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,451 BOTH: Ding. 380 00:18:50,697 --> 00:18:51,598 For charades. 381 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:58,171 How do we know you two won't hurt us again? 382 00:18:58,205 --> 00:19:00,640 You don't. 383 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:05,912 You know what? We have two very nice people up in that apartment 384 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:08,448 who are perfect for us. 385 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:11,518 Then what are you doing, standing out in the rain with us? 386 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,788 Damn it. 387 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,658 Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy and girl? 388 00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:22,362 I think we can change them. 389 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:24,931 Come here, you two. 390 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,871 We'll never sleep on the gouda again. 391 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:37,610 * All by ourselves... 392 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:42,849 Hey, Barney. I got a little poem for you. 393 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:43,883 You want to hear it? 394 00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:45,418 Not really. 395 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,254 'Twas the night before this one, 396 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:49,989 I had hours to kill. 397 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,759 I sat in the tavern, grading parchments with quill. 398 00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:53,893 With quill? 399 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,795 Barney. It's a poem. 400 00:19:57,897 --> 00:20:00,800 A busty, young lassie flashed me a grin. 401 00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:05,805 Her garb said classy, but her eyes whispered sin. 402 00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:09,376 She said, "You're a teacher?" I said, "Yes, indeed." 403 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,943 "I must have you," she moaned. 404 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:12,412 "I'm turned on by tweed." 405 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:18,251 With haste we did scamper to my chamber anon. 406 00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:23,390 We fell to the couch, and, bro, it was on. 407 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,626 I unlaced her bodice. Our passions grew deeper. 408 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:31,298 And thus ends the tale of the Sexless Innkeeper. 409 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:38,004 No way. You made that up. 410 00:20:38,037 --> 00:20:39,972 Are you coming back to bed, Professor? 411 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:42,509 (GASPS) 412 00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,944 (EXHALES) 413 00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,012 God, I love being single. 414 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,983 Barney, you ready for brunch with Lily and Marshall? 415 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:53,986 What have I done?