1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:03,204 OLDER TED: Kids, your uncle Barney had been called 2 00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:04,004 a lot of names over the years. 3 00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:04,705 Jerk! 4 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:06,774 Bastard! 5 00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:09,510 Barack Obama, Jr.? 6 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,479 Mmm-hmm. 7 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,881 And, yes. We can. 8 00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:16,750 But there's one name none of us ever expected to hear him called. 9 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:19,887 Boyfriend. Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. 10 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,489 I've said it, like, 100 times. 11 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,257 It still sounds weird to say. 12 00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,659 Well, anything sounds weird if you say it 100 times. 13 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,296 Bowl. 14 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:29,530 Bowl. 15 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,366 Bowl. 16 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,735 But other than that, things are good? Bowl. 17 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:36,370 Bowl. I don't know. 18 00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:37,771 I think Barney's been single for too long. Bowl. 19 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:39,740 Like, the other night, I wake up at 4:00 a.m... 20 00:00:39,807 --> 00:00:40,808 (CLATTERING) 21 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,610 (GASPS) 22 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:43,777 Barney, are you awake? 23 00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:46,647 Barney? 24 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,185 Barney. This is not a one-night stand. 25 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:52,820 We're dating. Come back to bed. 26 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,694 Bowl. Bowl. That's happened three times. 27 00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:02,263 And it's not just that, it's other things. 28 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,434 Hey. What's wrong? 29 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:09,203 It was just one thing after another at work today, 30 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,506 and then I found out my aunt's in the hospital. 31 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,074 I'm just... I'm feeling so overwhelmed and it's just... 32 00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,709 (SHUSHING) 33 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,712 What you need to do is talk through this stuff. 34 00:01:18,779 --> 00:01:20,548 Thanks. 35 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,416 And then, once you're off the phone with Lily, 36 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,553 I'll be down in the bar ready to have sex. Okay? 37 00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,856 Bowl. 38 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:32,260 Look, I'm not the touchy-feeliest person in the world, but, 39 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,327 a little more effort would be nice. 40 00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,329 Bowl. Bowl. I understand. 41 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,431 I guess, in a lot of ways, Barney doesn't stack up. 42 00:01:37,498 --> 00:01:38,466 Bowl. Bowl. I mean, you've had some 43 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:39,967 pretty incredible boyfriends. 44 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:44,905 Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. 45 00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,440 No, that's not it. 46 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,476 I don't know. Bowl. Bowl. 47 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:51,445 Maybe he just doesn't have it in him. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl. 48 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,314 Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake. Bowl. 49 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,649 Bowl? 50 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:56,317 She really said that? 51 00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:57,985 And she meant it. 52 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,520 Trust me. I dated Robin for a year. 53 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,255 If you don't want to lose her, 54 00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,756 you gotta try a little harder. 55 00:02:02,823 --> 00:02:04,958 Be more attentive to where she is emotionally. 56 00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,461 You know, just be present. 57 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:11,265 Yes, totally. Yeah. Only thing, and this is just me, 58 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,301 I like my testicles attached to my body, 59 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,803 rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. 60 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:18,306 Stinson out! 61 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:20,408 OLDER TED: But then, a funny thing happened. 62 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,943 Over the next couple of weeks, Barney was thoughtful, 63 00:02:23,010 --> 00:02:26,280 considerate, sweet. 64 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,482 In short, the perfect boyfriend, 65 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,518 which, to Robin, meant only one thing. 66 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,220 He's cheating on me. What? 67 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:33,521 Why else would he buy me flowers? 68 00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:34,722 He's getting some on the side. 69 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,457 Come on, Robin. 70 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:38,726 Barney's not the type of guy who would... Go on. 71 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,894 Plus, he keeps saying he's working late. 72 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,297 But when I call his office, they say he left hours ago. 73 00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:44,798 Well, that doesn't prove anything. 74 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:48,502 Yes. Proof. Good word. I'm glad you brought that up. 75 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:51,472 Barney's briefcase. He forgot it here this morning. 76 00:02:51,539 --> 00:02:53,674 And what do you plan on doing with it? 77 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:57,811 We. We, you and I, are going to open it up and look for evidence. 78 00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,847 Ted probably has a sledgehammer around here somewhere. 79 00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:04,318 No! Stop! Stop! Eye contact. Listen to me. 80 00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,587 Robin Scherbatsky is many things. 81 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:09,890 Friend, confidant, occasional guest star in some confusing dreams 82 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:12,760 that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target. 83 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:18,332 But she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch. Let go. 84 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,802 Hey, I've been down in the basement storage area going through all the stuff 85 00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,672 that Lily and I left behind when we moved out. I'm sorry, Robin. 86 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:25,606 We should've cleared it out for you much sooner. 87 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,408 There's a basement storage area? 88 00:03:27,475 --> 00:03:30,578 You're not upset. Good. Baby, guess what I found. 89 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:38,919 That's great, honey. 90 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,654 What the hell is that? 91 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:44,492 Marshall got it in college. He used it as a nightstand for years. 92 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:47,628 Until we found out that Lily was allergic to barrel resin. 93 00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,530 Barrel resin? Just go with it. 94 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,198 So, you need a hand throwing it out? 95 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:54,802 No, I'm not... I'm not just going to throw her out, okay? 96 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,804 Mabel's like family. 97 00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,873 So, what are you going to do with Mabel? 98 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,643 I want to give her away to a lucky new owner. 99 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:05,346 Do you know anyone? Yeah, let me think. 100 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:08,048 Do I know any rodeo clowns? 101 00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:09,517 That's weird, I do. 102 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,652 But even Lenny wouldn't go near that mess. 103 00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,787 Well, he's not going to have the chance 104 00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:18,091 because I am putting old Mabel in the Bermuda Triangle. 105 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,361 OLDER TED: "The Bermuda Triangle" was the name we'd given 106 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,863 years earlier to the curb right in front of our building. 107 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:25,966 Whenever we wanted to give something away, 108 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,468 we'd put it right there. 109 00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,541 It was uncanny. 110 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:36,577 This is so exciting. 111 00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,446 Right now, there's someone out there who has no idea 112 00:04:38,512 --> 00:04:41,882 that tonight they're going home with just... 113 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,917 Just the best barrel. 114 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,520 Well, let's just hope they're not allergic to barrel resin like Lily here. 115 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:48,522 Be cool, baby. Damn. 116 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:50,824 See you, sweetie. Good luck. 117 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:51,759 Bye, babe. 118 00:04:53,461 --> 00:04:54,628 Now, can we please get out of here? 119 00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:55,896 Yeah. I'll grab my coat. 120 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,031 (GRUNTING) 121 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,900 Oops. 122 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,937 A college notebook? 123 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:07,007 Oh, my God, he's cheating on me with some college girl. 124 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,543 I knew there was a skank, but I thought she'd at least be dumb. 125 00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,747 "Birthday, July 23. 126 00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,483 "Favorite hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks. 127 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,752 "Age 29, but tells people that she's 26." 128 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,688 Oh, my God, these are notes about me, 129 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,990 or some 29-year-old version of me. 130 00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:23,791 (DOOR OPENS) 131 00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:26,560 I hope I'm not too late! 132 00:05:26,627 --> 00:05:28,562 I want to see the look of joy on the new owner's face! 133 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,704 She's still there! 134 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,540 Okay, Mabel, let's find you a new home. 135 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:41,542 Here comes a guy! 136 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:45,012 And he... He just walked, walked right on by it. 137 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:48,148 He's probably rushing home to get a handcart or something. 138 00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:49,817 Yeah! Hey, better hurry up, pal. 139 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,152 (LAUGHS) 140 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:53,787 What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook? 141 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:59,527 Let me rephrase that. 142 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:03,497 Did you two ladies lose some weight? 143 00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,365 What do you know about this, Marshall? 144 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:08,702 Why would Barney have a notebook full of information about me? 145 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:09,737 Well... 146 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,739 OLDER TED: The truth was 147 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:15,943 Barney was taking a night school class taught by me. 148 00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,978 Welcome to Robin 101. 149 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:40,233 Why is Ted teaching a class about me? 150 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:42,903 It all started a few weeks ago. 151 00:06:42,970 --> 00:06:45,272 ...rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. 152 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,840 Stinson out! 153 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,114 Stinson back in. 154 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:59,052 Say, hypothetically, I did want to change who I am 155 00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:03,423 to become a better boyfriend to Robin, which I do not, 156 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,926 what kind of changes are we talking about? 157 00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:09,196 Why... There's just so much you need to know about her. 158 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:13,967 Okay, for starters, don't ever cry in front of her. 159 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,969 Okay. 160 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:20,040 And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times. 161 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,443 Hey, guys. What you talking about? 162 00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:24,878 Fantasy football. Fantasy football. 163 00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,149 They realized they couldn't talk about this stuff at the bar, 164 00:07:29,216 --> 00:07:32,319 and since you live with Ted, they had to find someplace safe. 165 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,888 So, Ted's classroom. 166 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:37,324 "How To Date Robin Scherbatsky." 167 00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,959 Lesson one. 168 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,994 Now, even though she puts up a tough exterior, 169 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,830 what Robin really wants, deep down... 170 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,431 I'm bored. 171 00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:45,799 You said you wanted my help. 172 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,035 Can we draw boobs on the chalkboard? 173 00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,236 We did that already. 174 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,138 No, like, really big boobs. 175 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:55,175 No. Look, I need this, too. I've only been a professor a few weeks. 176 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,310 Being up here, it's... It's good practice for me. 177 00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:58,979 Can we have class outside? 178 00:07:59,046 --> 00:08:01,314 No. What Robin really wants, deep down is... 179 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:02,550 (CELL PHONE DINGS) 180 00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:04,718 Barney. 181 00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,254 What? I'm tweeting about you. 182 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,556 You should be flattered. 183 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:11,992 How do you spell "blah-blah-blah"? "H's" or no? 184 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:15,863 Wow, you were just, like, the worst student in the world, weren't you? 185 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:20,167 They said I had A-D... Something. Can we have class outside? 186 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:24,304 Barney, I'm only gonna say this once, so listen up. 187 00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:28,241 I love you and I love Robin. And I want to make this work. 188 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:31,078 So, if you give me a few weeks of attention, 189 00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:35,248 I could give you a lifetime of happiness. Can you do that for me? 190 00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,819 Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price? 191 00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,054 Can we have class outside? 192 00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:43,123 I gotta find a way to reach this kid. 193 00:08:44,157 --> 00:08:46,326 "Class number two." 194 00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:50,397 "Top 10 Robin Scherbatsky Facial Expressions and Their Meaning." 195 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,900 Now, notice the vacant eyes, 196 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,636 the pale, queasy expression, suggesting nausea. 197 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:58,038 What do these mean? You guys just had sex? 198 00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,039 (EXCLAIMING) 199 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,643 Wasn't me. 200 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:05,312 Dude! I worked really hard on these slides, okay? 201 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:07,014 Can we just... Okay. 202 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,549 This look is hunger. 203 00:09:09,617 --> 00:09:12,586 If you ever see Robin looking like this, get some food in her quick, 204 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,887 or one of two things will happen. 205 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:18,291 One. Weird, out-of-context laughter. 206 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:22,896 Or two. Spontaneously falling asleep in strange places. 207 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:27,635 But the most important facial expression of all? 208 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:31,905 That's a building. 209 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:34,507 Oh. That's for my class. 210 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:38,111 The Flatiron Building. Fun story about it. 211 00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:40,881 It was designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style. 212 00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:42,049 This architectural gem... 213 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,116 Dude! 214 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,517 Right. 215 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,287 The most important facial expression of all. 216 00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:54,061 Whoa. 217 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,230 Flared nostril ridges. 218 00:09:57,297 --> 00:09:59,099 Wide, unblinking eyes. 219 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:06,039 If you ever, ever see this face, Barney, run. 220 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:10,978 And don't take a picture of it. She will punch you. 221 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:17,050 And you will cry for the third time that night. 222 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:24,091 Which brings us to an important point. 223 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,160 Defusing the bomb. 224 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:30,964 "Defusing the bomb"? What does that even mean? 225 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,734 "Three Topics to Distract Robin From Being Mad at You." 226 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,036 Distract me? That is so condescending. 227 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,271 These guys are really starting to piss me off! 228 00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:42,109 "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, 229 00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,411 "unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes." 230 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:50,517 (READING) 231 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:53,353 What? That's not distracting. 232 00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:56,123 That's just talking about the story of a scrappy little underdog team 233 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,391 that prevailed despite very shaky goaltending 234 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:00,828 and, frankly, the declining skills of Trevor Linden. 235 00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:06,399 (READING) 236 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,737 You have to clean your gun. 237 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,005 My uncle had a filthy, old shotgun, 238 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,774 blew both his thumbs off trying to shoot a beaver. 239 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,408 You... You want to distract someone, 240 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:18,178 make them watch my uncle try to eat corn on the cob. 241 00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:22,282 (READING) 242 00:11:24,117 --> 00:11:26,153 Did you know that before intercourse, 243 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:29,957 the male and female emperor penguins bow to each other? 244 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:33,226 "Mr. Penguin." "Mrs. Penguin." 245 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:36,163 Oh, God, silly penguins, acting all fancy. 246 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,365 (LAUGHING) 247 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:40,067 What were we talking about? 248 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:43,170 Uh-oh, looks like we got a taker. 249 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:46,106 Come on, dude. You know you want to. 250 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:48,842 A guy like you, beard, no mustache. 251 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,478 You're exactly the kind of guy who could use a sweet barrel. 252 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:53,213 Do it. 253 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,917 No. That's not a fire hydrant! 254 00:11:56,984 --> 00:12:00,220 For shame, sir. For shame! 255 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:03,757 I bet you couldn't even grow a mustache if you wanted to! 256 00:12:03,824 --> 00:12:05,325 Neither can you, sweetie. 257 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,295 Well, he doesn't know that, baby! God! 258 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:11,364 Ted's only teaching Barney horrible things about me. 259 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:16,736 I don't know. Check this out. This is actually kind of sweet. 260 00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:20,040 Now, we all know Robin's not what you'd call "touchy-feely." 261 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,910 She doesn't say, "I love you," like a normal person. 262 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:25,813 Instead, she'll laugh, shake her head, 263 00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:30,483 give you a little smile and say, "You're an idiot." 264 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,619 "You're an idiot"? Yup. 265 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,923 If she tells you you're an idiot, you are a lucky man. 266 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,925 And if she does say, "I love you," 267 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,392 she's already broken up with you in her mind. 268 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:43,063 I think it's nice that Ted knows you that well. 269 00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,532 Yeah, well, too bad it's next to a page entitled... 270 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:48,368 "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones." 271 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:52,840 Right knee. Ticklish. 272 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,976 Left knee. 273 00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,410 Does lefty like that? 274 00:12:57,477 --> 00:12:59,279 (MOANING) 275 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:04,117 Oh, yeah. Lefty like that. 276 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:08,321 I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby. 277 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,157 That's like taking fashion advice from... 278 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,392 Well, Ted Mosby. 279 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,495 Here's a good one. 280 00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,597 "Top Five Things Never to Do Around Robin." 281 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,766 (SCOFFS) 282 00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:24,437 Three. Never, ever play the "Guess Who" game with her. 283 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:25,438 What do you mean? 284 00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,175 Guess who? 285 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,343 (YELLING) 286 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,913 (GROANING) It's me! It's me! It's me! 287 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,714 Number four. Unless you want to see it 288 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,816 80 times a day for the next month, 289 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:42,089 never show Robin a YouTube clip of an animal playing a musical instrument. 290 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:43,590 Barney! 291 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:47,294 Do you have a problem with this class? 292 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,730 Yeah, it's boring as hell and I'm not learning anything. 293 00:13:50,797 --> 00:13:52,732 Well, maybe the problem is your attitude. 294 00:13:52,799 --> 00:13:53,700 You're not listening to a word I say. 295 00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:55,735 Uh-huh. 296 00:13:55,802 --> 00:13:59,739 Can you hear this, Professor? Or should I turn it up for you? 297 00:13:59,806 --> 00:14:03,576 OLDER TED: It may not have been a thumbs-up, kids. 298 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,612 So, you think you're not learning anything, huh? 299 00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:09,216 Okay. Pop quiz. 300 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,951 What... 301 00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,353 When Robin's PMS-ing, what kind of chocolate should you get her? 302 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,587 Trick question. Get her butterscotch. 303 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,722 Correct! Why? 304 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,090 Butterscotch is to Canadian women 305 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:18,358 what chocolate is to American women. 306 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:21,628 Correct! What is Robin's dream job? 307 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,931 To become the most successful female TV journalist of all time. 308 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:26,599 Correct! And if she achieves that, will she truly be happy? 309 00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:29,402 No! Robin's deep-seated need for attention can be traced back 310 00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:31,071 to her father's emotional distance, 311 00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:33,506 and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, 312 00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:37,310 which is six simple words from her dad, "Robin, I'm proud of you, eh?" 313 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,111 Yes! 314 00:14:38,845 --> 00:14:40,948 (BOTH PANTING) 315 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,416 But I guess you're right. 316 00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,118 You haven't learned anything. 317 00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,521 Sorry to have wasted your time. 318 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:54,161 "O Captain! My Captain!" 319 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,969 How good was Dead Poets Society? 320 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,272 I know, right? The end? Tears. 321 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,774 Okay, can I just say that my deepest need in life 322 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,543 is not to have my father say, "I am proud of you, eh?" 323 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:11,844 Then why are you crying right now? 324 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,080 I'm not crying. 325 00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:16,316 Sweetie. Can I get you some butterscotch? 326 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,818 No, stop it. 327 00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:19,987 (BOTH SIGHING) 328 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:24,257 Wait a second. 329 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:26,693 It says here that the class meets at 6:15 on Tuesday. 330 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,362 So? That's right now. 331 00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:33,100 Now, as you can see, well over 50% of the blankets 332 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:36,936 have been dragged onto her side. Make no mistake. 333 00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:42,942 Robin Scherbatsky is a classic, textbook cover hog. 334 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:44,011 (BLEEPING) 335 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,113 Any questions? 336 00:15:46,179 --> 00:15:47,414 ROBIN: Yeah, I have one. 337 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,182 Yes, Robin? 338 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,018 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 339 00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:01,328 Flared nostril ridges. Wide, unblinking eyes. 340 00:16:01,394 --> 00:16:02,562 Uh-oh. 341 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:05,865 I got this. So, emperor penguins. 342 00:16:05,932 --> 00:16:07,234 Crazy, huh? 343 00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:11,771 What the hell do you two think you're doing? 344 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,673 Marshall, did you sell us out? 345 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:15,675 I was vulnerable, okay. 346 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:18,611 I said good bye to a very dear friend today. 347 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,813 Dude, it's a barrel! 348 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,549 Aw. You're giving Mabel away? 349 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,651 Okay, I have... I have so many questions. 350 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:27,654 Why would you do this? What were you thinking? 351 00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,457 Who the hell is that guy? 352 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,360 That's Shin-Ya. He's sort of been auditing the class. 353 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,627 Auditing? 354 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:36,696 Well, I tried to explain to him it wasn't a real class, 355 00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:38,765 but I don't think he speaks much English. 356 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,601 On the bright side, he came in handy standing in for you 357 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,636 during the role-playing exercises. 358 00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:47,507 Wait. You did role-playing exercises where I was played by Shin-Ya? 359 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,342 (SPEAKING JAPANESE) 360 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,347 You know, I can't believe you, Ted. 361 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,416 You actually think you're some kind of an expert on me? 362 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:59,219 Hey! He is an expert. He's a great teacher! 363 00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:00,787 (CLEARING THROAT) Kiss ass. 364 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,889 You know, half the stuff in this notebook is patently wrong. 365 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:05,325 Really? Name one wrong thing. 366 00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:07,660 "Robin Scherbatsky's Surprising Erogenous Zones." 367 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,697 Let me clear something up for you, Ted. 368 00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,799 Does lefty like that? 369 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,734 Oh, yeah. 370 00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,369 All right. 371 00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:17,837 Don't want to leave out righty. 372 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,539 Oh, no. 373 00:17:19,606 --> 00:17:23,476 The right one's ticklish, I guess. 374 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,646 But the left one, yeah, I'm glad you're back there. 375 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:31,684 Because that is just some sweet, sweet loving. 376 00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,986 Noted. 377 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,788 That was a lie? We had just started dating. 378 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:36,823 I was being nice. 379 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:37,990 (CHUCKLING) 380 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,859 And you. You know, 381 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,429 I got it into my head this week that you were cheating on me. 382 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:44,964 I even broke open your briefcase to look for evidence. 383 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,834 That is a huge violation of my privacy! 384 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,306 Go on. 385 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,008 You know, in a way, I was right. You cheated. 386 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:59,379 You can't get some crib sheet on dating me. That's not how it works. 387 00:17:59,446 --> 00:18:03,750 If we can't figure out how to be with each other in a real, honest way, 388 00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,618 I don't see the point of even trying. 389 00:18:11,958 --> 00:18:15,728 (SPEAKING JAPANESE) 390 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,801 What do you want? 391 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,236 Look. 392 00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:25,372 All that stuff I told Barney, 393 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,374 it was personal between you and me. 394 00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:30,543 I'm really sorry. 395 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,712 I guess I'm impressed by how much you remembered. 396 00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,616 It's funny. 397 00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:39,519 When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course 398 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,621 in who that person is and then when you break up, 399 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,890 all that stuff becomes useless. 400 00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,994 It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree. 401 00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:49,796 I guess I just liked the idea of putting all my 402 00:18:49,862 --> 00:18:53,099 Robin Scherbatsky knowledge to good use, you know? 403 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:57,437 Well, since you know me pretty well, 404 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,939 am I fooling myself with this whole Barney thing? 405 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,608 I don't know. 406 00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:04,177 I will say this, though. 407 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:07,580 I've seen Barney work very hard to get women. 408 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,917 I've seen him work very hard to get rid of women. 409 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,486 I've never seen him work this hard to keep one around. 410 00:19:14,954 --> 00:19:16,989 I was going to give him an A. 411 00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:20,227 Well, B+. Shin-Ya kind of screwed up the curve. 412 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,433 Hey. Before you say anything, 413 00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,001 I am done with this stupid Robin 101, okay? 414 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,870 Here, I'll get rid of the notebook. 415 00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,578 But there's... 416 00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,881 There's something that I did want to say to you. 417 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,650 Robin, I have been with a lot of women. 418 00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:48,855 Blondes, brunettes, redheads. 419 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:53,660 Big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, 420 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,963 some boobs that were big, but kind of in a bad way. 421 00:19:57,029 --> 00:20:00,800 The point is... Boobs that pointed in opposite... The point is... 422 00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:05,938 I'm really scared that you're going to dump me 423 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,808 and that's why I did this and I'm sorry. 424 00:20:14,914 --> 00:20:16,283 You're an idiot. 425 00:20:21,454 --> 00:20:23,690 You know... Hmm? 426 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:27,126 That notebook does contain a lot of personal info, 427 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,995 and I think it has my home address. 428 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,830 And your work address. 429 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,801 Whoa. 430 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,002 MARSHALL: Hey, guys! 431 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,804 If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else? 432 00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:41,007 'Cause you're scaring away potential takers. 433 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,550 Designed by Chicago's Daniel Burnham in the Beaux-Arts style, 434 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:53,686 this architectural gem was the first of its kind... 435 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,788 Professor Mosby? Yes, Susan? 436 00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:57,724 That's a woman drinking beer on the toilet. 437 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,763 Right. That... That was Daniel Burnham's wife. 438 00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:06,899 She was a troubled, troubled woman. We are moving on.