1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,804 OLDER TED: This is the story of two blind dates. 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,206 One in 2009, 3 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,444 and one seven years earlier. 4 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,180 In all that time, my dating routine 5 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,547 remained more or less the same. 6 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:20,188 Until the fall of 2009, 7 00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:22,022 when I finally had a date that was different 8 00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:26,994 because it was exactly the same. 9 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,829 I was on a blind date with the same woman 10 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,564 I went on a blind date with seven years earlier. 11 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,167 Ted? Jen? 12 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,702 It's nice to meet you. 13 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:37,271 OLDER TED: And she didn't remember it. But then again... 14 00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:39,073 It's nice to meet you, too. 15 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:39,907 OLDER TED: ...neither did I. 16 00:00:39,940 --> 00:00:41,242 Do you want to? Yeah. 17 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,158 Guess who just got four tickets 18 00:00:57,191 --> 00:01:00,394 to the Origins of Chewbacca Star Wars exhibit? 19 00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,695 Why? 20 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:02,763 No, I said, "Guess who?" 21 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,532 I heard you. 22 00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,434 Yeah, isn't it a little early in our relationship 23 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,569 to do something that would end our relationship? 24 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,304 What? No, what are you talking about? 25 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,106 It can be our first double date as couples! 26 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,342 And plus, it sounds awesome! 27 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:15,643 Is the original Chewbacca going to be there? 28 00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:19,913 Peter Mayhew, in the fur. Who's with me? 29 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:21,115 Hey, do you think they'll have 30 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,750 Wookiee-to-English dictionaries there? 31 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,786 I mean, even just an everyday phrase book would be helpful. 32 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:30,191 We're not going to the Origins of Chewbacca exhibit, Marshall. 33 00:01:30,224 --> 00:01:33,261 It's in Houston this year. Everyone knows that. 34 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,363 I just wanted to get rid of the girls. 35 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,864 Where are you taking me, Barney? 36 00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:38,932 OLDER TED: This wasn't the first time your Uncle Barney 37 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,768 had kidnapped one of us. 38 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,603 Wait a second. 39 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:45,373 The Origins of Chewbacca exhibit's in Montreal this year. 40 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,808 Everyone knows that. 41 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,077 Where are you taking me? 42 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:53,747 My guy in the DA's office scored us front row seats to a lethal injection. 43 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,683 But we're still stopping for chili dogs first. 44 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:57,318 Stop the cab. 45 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,187 Where are you taking me? 46 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,755 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 47 00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,626 Barney, why are we here? 48 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:08,162 Marshall, now that Robin and I are together, 49 00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:11,098 I've learned a lot about relationships by watching you and Lily. 50 00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:12,333 Thanks, man. 51 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,168 You're a terrible couple. 52 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:15,703 Lily has taken all the man out of you. 53 00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:17,571 I used to think that's just every relationship. 54 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,307 But what I've got with Robin proves 55 00:02:19,340 --> 00:02:21,175 that you can have a girlfriend 56 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:24,812 and fully functioning male genitalia all at the same time. 57 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:27,481 Okay, right. So, if Robin knew that you were here, 58 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,883 she would be completely fine with it? 59 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,620 Are you kidding? She'd sprint down here with a purse full of singles 60 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,256 and a poncho for the 10:30 Jell-O show. 61 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:39,327 B t dub, I called ahead, it's lime. 62 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:42,396 OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Jen and I were in my favorite first date restaurant 63 00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,764 for the second time. 64 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,132 So, Jen, what do you do? 65 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,267 I'm between jobs. 66 00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,302 Banking crisis. 67 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:51,772 I'm between jobs. Internet bubble burst. 68 00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:55,409 Makes me realize I should go into something more stable, like banking. 69 00:02:56,444 --> 00:02:57,378 So, what about you? 70 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,280 I'm an architect. 71 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,649 Hopefully, one day, I can use my own humble brush 72 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:05,253 on the masterpiece that is Manhattan's skyline. 73 00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:07,921 I teach architecture. 74 00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:11,191 Get 50% off at the bookstore, so that's pretty sweet. 75 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,163 Married! 76 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,499 What is wrong with you? 77 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,469 You're just looking. It's like fantasizing about other women. 78 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:24,738 It's harmless. Wait. 79 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,708 Don't tell me you don't fantasize about other women. 80 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:28,942 I do! 81 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,945 It's just not that easy. 82 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,081 False. 83 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:38,085 I once fantasized about that silhouette chick you see on a truck's mud flaps. 84 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,421 Took me less than a mile. 85 00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:42,556 Not everyone is you, okay, Barney? 86 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:45,326 Even when I do start to have a dirty thought like that, 87 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,362 it seems so much like cheating on Lily, that I feel guilty. 88 00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,998 So, first, I need to have a different fantasy. 89 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:53,734 (HICCUPS) 90 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:03,277 Bad news. Lily has a rare and fatal hiccup disorder 91 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,845 that's apparently medically legitimate. 92 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:07,247 What? How could this be? 93 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:10,351 Beats me, but it says it right here on this doctor clipboard that doctors have. 94 00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:12,953 (HICCUPS) 95 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,355 (CRYING SOFTLY) 96 00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:21,862 (HICCUPS) 97 00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:24,498 It's time, baby. 98 00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,369 (CRYING) I will never love again. 99 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:31,339 No, Marshall, you must. 100 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,107 And after an appropriate number of years, 101 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,544 you should find someone else, 102 00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:40,180 someone like that busty delivery girl from that one time, 103 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:43,784 and plow her like a cornfield. 104 00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,252 (HICCUPS RAPIDLY) 105 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,687 (MOANING) 106 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,690 And so, Marshall, to honor Lily, 107 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:53,293 you must find that busty delivery girl from that one time 108 00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,563 and plow her like a cornfield. 109 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:01,535 (DOORBELL RINGING) 110 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:03,504 (CLEARING THROAT) 111 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,510 Delivery for Marshall Eriksen. 112 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:17,918 This one's for you, Lil. 113 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:20,921 Where do I sign? 114 00:05:24,792 --> 00:05:28,429 And then watch out, because it is on! 115 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,866 That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. 116 00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,536 Dude, Lily gets you in real life. 117 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,538 She has no business in your fantasies. 118 00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:39,940 1 It's all I know, okay? I can't help it. 119 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:42,743 I accept your invitation. Marshall Eriksen, 120 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:46,246 from this day forward, I will be the wingman of your mind. 121 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,516 Now, focus on the next dancer. 122 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,651 Put Lily completely out of your mind. 123 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:53,454 ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, say hello to (STAMMERING) Jasmine. 124 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,822 (CROWD CHEERING) 125 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,930 Barney? 126 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:06,133 Is it just me or does that stripper look exactly like... 127 00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,669 Ted, we found a stripper who looks exactly like Lily! 128 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,571 Uh, yeah, I can't talk right now. 129 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,005 I'm speechless, too. 130 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:14,241 Everything's as perky as we've always imagined! 131 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,676 Stop looking at her. 132 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,011 Look, I gotta go. (WHISPERING) Take a picture. 133 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,747 Oh, I will. 134 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,550 But first, I'm going to make Marshall watch as I wedge Ulysses S. Grant 135 00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,885 between his wife's tatas. I'll kill you! 136 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,354 (BARNEY YELLING) 137 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,622 Sorry about that. 138 00:06:28,656 --> 00:06:30,624 So, any thoughts on food? 139 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,963 Yeah, do you wanna share the oysters? 140 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,098 I would love to share the oysters. 141 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:41,769 Good. 'Cause if you didn't, that would be mighty shellfish. 142 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,440 Wow, that's bad. 143 00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:47,908 That's why it's funny! 144 00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:52,746 BOTH: We've been on this date before. 145 00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:01,555 We've been on this exact blind date before. 146 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,558 In this exact same restaurant. 147 00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:08,195 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember that date going that well. 148 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,630 Me, neither. 149 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:13,200 I remember thinking that you were a little snobby. 150 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:16,937 Wait, you dress your cats up in weird costumes. 151 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,807 They're not weird. See, you're being snobby again. 152 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:22,676 Oh, my God. Do you realize what this means? 153 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:26,680 Since our first date, we've done a complete lap 154 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,782 of all the single people in New York 155 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:31,118 only to end up back here, with each other. 156 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,286 Whoa. 157 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,422 We're going to die alone, aren't we? 158 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,890 Well, you've got your cats. 159 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:40,393 This is insane. 160 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:42,730 Wait, I gotta ask. Why did you think I was snobby? 161 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,900 Wait, okay, yeah, we were sitting over there. 162 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,270 (TED LAUGHING) 163 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,707 "Main Lobster." They spelled Maine without the "e." 164 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:58,145 Good to know we're not getting the crappy understudy lobsters, right? 165 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,614 Tonight, the role of pound-and-a-half lobster will be played by... 166 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:01,715 I get it, Ted. 167 00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:06,486 Pointing out spelling errors in a menu makes you seem kind of snooty. 168 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,688 Huh. 169 00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:09,590 I had no idea. 170 00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:13,093 Okay, well, what about me? Aside from the cats, 171 00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:14,562 how did I come across? 172 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,764 That's right, the check. 173 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,600 The check came and, of course, I was going to pay, 174 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,234 but you didn't do the check dance. 175 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:44,792 Guys want to wave the girl off and, you know, look like a big shot. 176 00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:45,626 Huh. 177 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,561 I had no idea. 178 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,396 This is good. We're learning stuff. 179 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:52,700 You know what we should do? We should retrace the rest of that night 180 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,636 and figure out what else we do wrong on first dates. 181 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:59,406 'Cause let's be honest. We are scaring people off, Jen. 182 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:01,241 We really are. 183 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:03,010 Okay, I'm in. 184 00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:05,012 Great. Where'd we go next? 185 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,780 I think we went to MacLaren's. Okay. 186 00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:15,889 Hey, I didn't really talk about my cats that much, did I? 187 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,958 And then, there's Tabby-Gail Adams, 188 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,927 the jester of the group. 189 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,765 Tone down the kitty talk. Check. 190 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,969 You will not believe who we saw tonight. 191 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:32,139 Dude... We saw the third doppelganger! 192 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:33,473 (GASPING) 193 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:34,908 OLDER TED: I should explain. 194 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,343 Over the years, we had spotted two strangers 195 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:39,012 who looked exactly like members of our group. 196 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,213 (ALL CHATTERING) 197 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:41,682 Hey, hey, hey! 198 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,083 OLDER TED: Lesbian Robin. 199 00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:43,817 (SPITTING) 200 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:47,254 (LAUGHING) 201 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,689 OLDER TED: And Mustache Marshall. 202 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,359 By the following summer, 203 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:53,961 we would find the remaining two doppelgangers, 204 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:55,328 but I'll get to that. 205 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:58,866 Ladies, meet Stripper Lily. 206 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:00,868 Oh! 207 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:01,702 Okay. 208 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,771 Yeah, I couldn't get her face in it, 209 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,673 but she looks just like you. 210 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,307 So you went to a strip club? 211 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:08,809 (CHUCKLING) Busted. 212 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:11,812 And there was a stripper who looked exactly like me? 213 00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:13,947 Okay, babe, look, before you get mad, let me... 214 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,817 Awesome! I bet the guys were going crazy. 215 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:20,821 I bet they wanted to touch her so bad, but all you can do is look, 216 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:24,424 unless you go into the back room, but, honey, you gotta pay for that. 217 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,194 So, strip club. 218 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,696 (VOICE SHAKING) Marshall made me go. 219 00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:32,199 All right, so what did I do wrong next? 220 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:34,367 Let me have it. I'm here to learn. 221 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,204 Well, I kept dropping hints that I was cold, 222 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:40,107 but you didn't offer me your jacket. 223 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,309 It's a little brisk out tonight, huh? 224 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,011 Not really. 225 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:47,147 Really? I can't feel my fingers. 226 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:50,183 I'm pretty impervious to stuff like that. 227 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,153 I couldn't admit I was cold. I didn't want to seem like a wimp 228 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:55,022 compared to your action hero ex-boyfriend 229 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,957 who you wouldn't stop talking about. 230 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,792 After a day of fighting fires, 231 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:02,495 Jim would love to come home and unwind working on his '68 Camaro. 232 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:06,700 That or bare-knuckle boxing, which he learned in the Marine Corps. 233 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:09,136 I had an aunt in the Coast Guard. 234 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:13,140 Okay, so no talking about the ex. 235 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,009 Not even about his shockingly small wiener? 236 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,879 See? Why didn't you lead off with that? 237 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,749 (LAUGHING) 238 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:24,952 Was there a shower on stage? Sometimes there's a shower on stage. 239 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,619 I bet stripper me would get in there 240 00:11:26,653 --> 00:11:29,689 with another girl and just go bananas. 241 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,926 See, Marshall? We got to have a bros' night at a strip club 242 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,828 and both of our ladies are totally cool with it. 243 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:36,396 I'm not cool with it. 244 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:39,499 Because they understand that it's healthy for us to do that from time to time. 245 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:40,700 It's disgusting. 246 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:42,369 Because it's harmless. 247 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,371 Did one of your whores tell you that? 248 00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:47,707 And, Lil, Marshall shouldn't have to go to so much trouble 249 00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:49,743 just to have an innocent fantasy. 250 00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:50,944 Trouble? What trouble? 251 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:52,312 It's... No, it's nothing. 252 00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:53,847 Marshall, tell her. We're all friends here. 253 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,082 (LAUGHING) No, we're not. 254 00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:03,323 Lily, sometimes I think about other women. Okay, it happens. 255 00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:07,194 But even when I do, I feel so guilty that I... 256 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:10,230 I have to imagine you passing away first 257 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:14,201 because even in a fantasy world, I could never cheat on you. 258 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:16,503 You're just my life, baby, and I love you. 259 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:21,374 You kill me off? 260 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,643 I mean, fantasize about other girls all you want, 261 00:12:23,676 --> 00:12:25,678 but could you maybe not murder me? 262 00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:28,916 Murder? No! I... Baby, no. You develop a chronic illness! 263 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,784 I spare no expense for your care! 264 00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,152 I even set up a foundation in your name. 265 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,821 We're, like, this close to a cure. 266 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,190 Remember? 267 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,426 Oh, yeah! I do remember. 268 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,862 We went in here for a drink with your friends, who I loved. 269 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:44,664 Or hated, depending on whether you're still friends with them. 270 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,967 You love them. They're family, Ted. 271 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,768 Let's go in and see what they remember. 272 00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:51,171 And they are my best friends, 273 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,741 so don't be surprised if they suddenly can't think of anything I do wrong. 274 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,543 Did he juggle? Bad puns? 275 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,512 Expect a standing ovation for picking up a $19 check? 276 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:03,183 Let's not forget the menu typo gold mine. 277 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:05,052 Keep panning that river, buddy. 278 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,619 Well, it is a lot cheaper than buying a condom. 279 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,788 (EXCLAIMS) 280 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,158 Actually, you know what it was? 281 00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:13,493 I remember him coming across as kind of a player. 282 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,195 Me? ALL: Ted? 283 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,530 Yeah. We were all sitting over there. 284 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,904 And here's a picture of my cats dressed up like Batman villains. 285 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,673 You got the Joker, the Riddler, Mr. Freeze... 286 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,241 Well, what about Catwoman? 287 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,410 Yeah, that would've been good. 288 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,446 Psst. Ted. 289 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:36,549 Nice. 290 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,253 Wait, wait, wait, no, no, no! I remember that. 291 00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,389 I was not checking out a girl. 292 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:43,823 Psst. Ted. 293 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:45,926 (MAN CHATTERING) 294 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,999 Nice. 295 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:53,566 We were checking out Mustache Marshall. 296 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,635 ALL: Oh! 297 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,771 Gosh, I thought you were such a jerk. I'm so sorry. 298 00:13:58,805 --> 00:14:03,276 Yeah, well, it's nice to know "past me" wasn't a total jackass, huh? 299 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,045 "Present you" isn't so bad, either. 300 00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,283 Thank you very much. Yes. You got it? 301 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:17,257 Oh, yeah! I remember this. 302 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,026 And there's the Chrysler Building. 303 00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:21,128 And the Empire State Building. 304 00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:24,464 And at twelve o' clock, 305 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,766 a rotund couple going at it against the glass. 306 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,035 Oh! 307 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:30,170 That's kind of sweet. 308 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,206 Oh, look, snack break. 309 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,708 Good for them. 310 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,278 Letting a guy eat pizza off your back, that's love. 311 00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:39,612 (GIGGLING) 312 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:46,086 So, I know this wasn't the best first date of all time, 313 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,256 but I'm glad we stuck it out. 314 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:50,123 Me, too. 315 00:14:57,197 --> 00:15:00,500 That was really great. What went wrong? 316 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,002 I remember now. 317 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:10,110 Wow. Yeah. 318 00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:12,946 So, would you maybe want to go out again? 319 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:15,115 Yeah, I... I would. 320 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,817 Will you call me? Absolutely. 321 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,286 Promise? Promise. 322 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:25,358 I have been so busy. 323 00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:28,461 Good night, Ted. 324 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,669 (CAT MEOWING OPERA) 325 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:40,540 Hello? Jen, I'm sorry. 326 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,010 Look, I know I'm seven years late with this call, 327 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,045 but I was an idiot back then. 328 00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,014 You saw the goatee. 329 00:15:47,047 --> 00:15:48,781 The truth is, I had a great time tonight, 330 00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:50,950 and I'd love to see you again. 331 00:15:50,984 --> 00:15:53,753 Ted, there are two kinds of guys. 332 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:55,722 The guys that you want to call you, who don't, 333 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:58,992 and the guys you don't want to call you, who always do. 334 00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:01,328 And somehow, right now, you're both. 335 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:08,135 Baby, you should be able to fantasize about another woman 336 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:11,938 without feeling guilty, or, you know, killing me off. 337 00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,374 I wish that I could, but I've been doing this for so long, 338 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:17,777 I'm all confused about death and sex. 339 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,812 It's gotten to the point where every time I drive past a cemetery, 340 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,081 I'm sporting a partial. 341 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,452 All right, we gotta fix this. 342 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,221 Okay, when Stripper Lily gets out here, 343 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,657 you have my permission to fantasize about her. 344 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:34,194 And since she's basically me, maybe you won't feel guilty. 345 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,563 Thanks, baby. I'm so lucky to have you. 346 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:37,597 And stripper you. 347 00:16:39,299 --> 00:16:40,733 Bring out Stripper Lily! 348 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:46,573 You know, I don't come here that much. 349 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,142 Hey, Barney. Here's the usual 350 00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:51,611 and I'll send over the other usual as soon as she's done stretching. 351 00:16:53,913 --> 00:16:56,349 Thank you, kindly stranger. 352 00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:57,950 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... 353 00:16:57,984 --> 00:16:59,819 Oh! Hey, Barney. I didn't see you come in. 354 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,155 I'll load up some AC/DC for you, buddy. 355 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:04,357 Ladies and gentlemen, 356 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,526 please put your hands together for (STAMMERING) Jasmine. 357 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:07,760 (CROWD CHEERING) 358 00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,735 I am hot! Yeah. 359 00:17:15,768 --> 00:17:19,106 Crawl for it, stripper me. This is awesome, baby. 360 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,074 Can I get another $100? That was $100? 361 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,509 Wow, she crawls fast. 362 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,547 Look, Jen, I wish I could go back 363 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:30,683 and talk some sense into 2002 Ted, but that guy's a lost cause. 364 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,720 He's 24. 365 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,856 He thinks a little facial hair makes him look like Johnny Depp. 366 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:39,726 And he has no idea what a great girl he's missing out on. 367 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:43,630 But I've learned a lot since then. I've learned a lot tonight. 368 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,732 The only thing that we've learned is that 369 00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:48,034 seven years ago, it was a mistake for us to go out. 370 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,170 And I guess it was a mistake for us to go out tonight. 371 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,339 No, it wasn't. 372 00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:55,074 I had a great time tonight. And seven years ago, 373 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:58,044 if you think about it, we didn't miss by that much. 374 00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,347 I mean, if a couple of things had gone a little bit differently, 375 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,250 who knows what would have happened? 376 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,784 (REWIND PLAYING) 377 00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:15,728 * Asking you to stay The words are finally here * 378 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:22,101 * Let's rewind and rewind 379 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:30,277 * You see, you're the only star in the film I never made * 380 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:37,184 * Would you rewind it all the time Rewind it all the time * 381 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,154 Wow. 382 00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,389 Wow. 383 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:51,164 You are the best, you are the best. 384 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:54,100 My girlfriend is at a strip club with me and she couldn't care less. 385 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,068 I do care, Barney. 386 00:18:56,102 --> 00:18:58,471 Look, we're dating now, okay? That changes things. 387 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:00,707 We need to have a serious talk about this. 388 00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:02,141 Just the best. 389 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,076 Hey, girlfriend trouble? 390 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,446 I wish I could help, but my unbelievably cool wife 391 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:08,014 just bought us a private dance 392 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,182 with her stripper body double. 393 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,150 So, if you need me, I'll be getting grinded 394 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:13,220 like some pepper in the champagne room. 395 00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,324 Just the best. 396 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:22,929 (SIGHS) 397 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:24,231 Now what? 398 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,032 I just remembered why I didn't call you. 399 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,834 Why? 400 00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:30,503 (SIGHING) I can't believe I'm gonna screw this up again. 401 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,106 But I like finding typos in menus. 402 00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,742 What? 403 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:38,978 And I know my shellfish pun is stupid, but the truth is, 404 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,381 I'm not suddenly gonna stop making stupid jokes. 405 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,417 Now that you mention it, 406 00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,387 I'm never going to stop talking about my cats. 407 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,789 They're funny and adorable and totally 408 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,724 worth having to take six Benadryl a day. 409 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:52,692 (LAUGHS) 410 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,997 Shouldn't we hold out for the person 411 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,666 who doesn't just tolerate our little quirks, 412 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,301 but actually kind of likes them? 413 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:05,071 Even if it means finding ourselves 414 00:20:05,104 --> 00:20:07,607 on another blind date with each other seven years from now? 415 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,377 Oh, dear God, I hope that doesn't happen. 416 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:17,717 Well, good luck out there, Jen. 417 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,420 You, too, Ted. 418 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,591 You'll find your shellfish lady. 419 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,498 OLDER TED: And kids, when I told your mother that shellfish joke, 420 00:20:31,531 --> 00:20:33,199 she did laugh. 421 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,335 And I swear, it was only, like, 30% pity. 422 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,409 (CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) 423 00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:48,981 Hey, Lil. Looks like Jasmine's having a hard time getting out of those boots. 424 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:50,983 (IN FOREIGN ACCENT) What did you say, buddy? 425 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,653 Lily? 426 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,322 Who? 427 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:59,125 Oh, yes, I am this Lily. 428 00:20:59,158 --> 00:21:01,728 We married long time. 429 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,331 May I have monies for shopping? 430 00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:05,932 (LILY SCREAMING) 431 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:07,367 Lily!