1
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:10,911
OLDER TED:
Kids, on my first day
as a college professor,

2
00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:15,116
there were two things
I didn't know that
I wish I did.

3
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:18,119
The first thing
was that your mother
was in that classroom.

4
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,956
The second thing?

5
00:00:22,990 --> 00:00:25,326
Well, to explain that,
we have to go back to

6
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,960
the beginning
of the summer,

7
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,630
when, after a year
of wrestling with their
feelings for each other,

8
00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:33,801
Barney and Robin
finally, well...

9
00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:35,303
Whoo!

10
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,905
Lily, volume.
Use your indoor "whoo."

11
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,373
Sorry. (SOFTLY) Whoo.

12
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:42,176
It's just they kissed!
They're finally a couple.

13
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,977
(GASPING) Oh, my God,
you guys.

14
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,414
This is our first
double date!

15
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,882
First of millions!
What if our kids
get married?

16
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,050
Oh, I love this!

17
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,819
Yeah.

18
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,254
Lily, listen.

19
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,523
Barney's awesome.

20
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:59,427
Robin's more
than just awe "some."
She's awe "quite a bit."

21
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,895
She's awe
"a whole darn lot."

22
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,564
Wait, what are you saying?

23
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,965
(MUTTERING)

24
00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:06,200
We're just not
feeling it right now,

25
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,568
but we'll totally still
be friends.

26
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:08,402
Oh, yeah.

27
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,106
Is it something I did?

28
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:15,743
Oh, no. No, no, no. God, no.
Lily, it's not you. It's us.

29
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:19,012
Yeah. It's us.
You understand, right?

30
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,349
Sure, of course.

31
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,584
As long as you're happy,
I'm happy.

32
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,286
(CRYING)

33
00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:28,522
We were gonna take
cooking lessons together,

34
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:31,425
and we were gonna go
on camping trips together,

35
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:34,795
and then we were gonna sit
around telling funny stories

36
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:37,265
about our
cooking lessons
and our camping trips.

37
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,567
I know. I know.

38
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:46,307
So, has the boat
sailed on sex tonight or...

39
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,312
OLDER TED: After that,
the summer went by
way too fast.

40
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:55,149
Until, all of a sudden, it was
the Friday before my first day
as a college professor.

41
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,950
Whoa!

42
00:01:56,984 --> 00:01:58,419
Oh, boy.
What's this?

43
00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,921
It's just
a little something
that we got for you

44
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,358
that used to
belong to my favorite
professor of all time.

45
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,497
A fedora.
Mmm.

46
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:11,465
(GASPS)

47
00:02:14,368 --> 00:02:17,271
I'm Indiana Jones!
I'm Indiana Jones!

48
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:20,107
That, my friend,
is the Dominator 8000,

49
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,377
the best
bullwhip on the market,
according to my whip guy.

50
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,112
Yeah, I have a whip guy.

51
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,280
(IMITATES WHIP CRACKING)

52
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,015
You know what we should do?
We should...

53
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:30,951
Finish our drinks, go out
in the alley and whip stuff.

54
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,953
God, you just get me.

55
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,622
(MARSHALL SIGHS)

56
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,457
(LAUGHING)
Okay, I should
get going. I got a date.

57
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,558
BARNEY: Oh, you're
still seeing that guy?

58
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,660
Even better,
seeing him naked. What!

59
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:41,094
(BOTH EXCLAIM)

60
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:44,031
I should go, too.
I hooked up with this
Chinese girl last night,

61
00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,233
and I don't know,
it's weird.

62
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,334
I already
feel like seconds.

63
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,168
(BOTH EXCLAIM)

64
00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:52,139
Okay, Ted,
you got first whip!

65
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,507
All right.

66
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:57,545
Hey, dummy.
What did I tell you
about smoking in here?

67
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,413
Make him whip the habit!

68
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,915
I'm so excited
about this whip!
I got whip fever!

69
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:05,152
Just whip him, Ted!
Don't even aim!
Just whip him!

70
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,254
I'm so sorry.

71
00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:07,555
It's just the whip's
not a toy, Ted.

72
00:03:07,588 --> 00:03:10,190
There's such a thing as
common sense, you know?

73
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:11,359
Hey, you can whip me
if you want.

74
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,926
I will, some other time.

75
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:19,933
(WHOOPS)

76
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:36,417
So, how long has
this been going on?

77
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,519
(SIGHING) All summer.

78
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,921
I knew it!
I knew it!
I knew it!

79
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,857
You guys
are boyfriend
and girlfriend.

80
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:47,561
(STAMMERING) Hey.
Wait... Girlfriend?
(STAMMERING) Wow...

81
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,330
Lily, slow your roll
there, lily pad. Okay?

82
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,731
Yeah. Yeah.

83
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:52,966
You've been together
all summer. I don't get it.

84
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:54,635
Okay, it's like this.

85
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:57,971
After we kissed,
we sat down to
have the talk.

86
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,908
We should figure
out what this is.

87
00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:01,909
Yes, we should.

88
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,944
Yeah.
Or... Or...

89
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,383
Okay, now,
we have to figure this out.

90
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,619
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Yes, we do.

91
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,786
Or... Or...

92
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:22,463
We kept trying to
have the talk and then we
realized we hate the talk.

93
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:25,165
Yeah, the talk sucks.
You have to, like, talk,

94
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:27,100
(SCOFFS)

95
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:29,937
and be all, "I don't know.
It's not that I don't
like you.

96
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,839
"It's just that I haven't
had a girlfriend in
a really long time.

97
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,273
"I hope it doesn't
make you mad."

98
00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,075
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Who needs it?

99
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:36,844
You "needs" it.

100
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,146
Guys, you can't
just keep hooking up

101
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,749
and not at least
try and figure out
what you mean to each other.

102
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,317
Yeah, we knew
you would say that.

103
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,486
That's why we
kept it a secret.

104
00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,322
Well, that and the fact that
elaborate lies really
turn us on.

105
00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:51,291
No, no, no. No.

106
00:04:51,325 --> 00:04:54,328
You need to
define the relationship.
You need to have the talk.

107
00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,997
Or... Or...

108
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,298
(BOTH MOANING)

109
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,670
I know what
you're all thinking.

110
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:06,674
"Who's this
cool peer of mine
up in front of the class?"

111
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:09,543
Well, I know the board says
"Professor Mosby,"
but to you,

112
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,513
I'm Ted.

113
00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:17,117
Question. Awesome. Hit it.

114
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,487
Yeah, here's my question, Ted,

115
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,054
who the hell do
you think you are?

116
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,991
Yeah, "Ted."

117
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:26,994
We're supposed
to learn from you?
You failed as an architect.

118
00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:28,562
Well...
And if you're a professor,

119
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,464
where's your
hat and your whip?

120
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,432
They're at home. I...

121
00:05:31,465 --> 00:05:33,133
And where are your pants?

122
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,435
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

123
00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,472
(EXCLAIMING)

124
00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,673
(PANTING) Oh, God.

125
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,875
Barney, it was awful.
I was teaching...

126
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,544
Shh! Ted, now's
not a good time.

127
00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:44,945
Where do you
keep your condoms?

128
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,583
I am freaking out.
I don't think I can do this.

129
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:53,487
Okay, look,
mistake number one was
taking that girl's question.

130
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:55,423
You don't take
questions on the first day.

131
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:56,790
It shows weakness.

132
00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:59,927
Mistake number two was
you should've hit that.

133
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,629
Dude, your pants
were already off,

134
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,664
you had a classroom full
of people to cheer you on

135
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,033
and you can't knock her up
'cause it's a dream.

136
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,735
Class dismissed.

137
00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,003
Mistake number three,
dude, where was the hat?

138
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,840
Because if you're
not going to wear it,
I'm taking it back.

139
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,943
I think what
Barney's saying is that
definitions are important.

140
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:17,678
You're their teacher,
not their friend.

141
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,713
Exactly.

142
00:06:19,747 --> 00:06:21,114
If people don't
know their place,
nobody's happy.

143
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,750
Amen.

144
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,117
You have to
make things clear.

145
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:25,653
Run, tell that!

146
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,755
Define the relationship.

147
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,623
Yes! No!

148
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,924
Lily, private convo time.

149
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,064
Lily, can't you
just let us be happy?

150
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,666
You're not happy.

151
00:06:38,699 --> 00:06:40,868
You just
think you're happy
because you feel happy.

152
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,603
And that's not happy?

153
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:43,937
Of course not.

154
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,039
You and Robin
need to have the talk.

155
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,275
Why? Give me one good reason.
I'll give you 20.

156
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,544
Wow, you can't
even think of one.

157
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,580
Headlights. Deer.

158
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,648
Lily, for the last time,

159
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,585
things with me and Robin
are as good as they can
possibly be.

160
00:06:57,618 --> 00:07:00,187
Hey, look, Brad's here.

161
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:03,090
I've got two tickets to the
Rangers-Canucks game
tomorrow night.

162
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,859
I know you're a hockey fan,
so I was thinking...

163
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:06,894
(STAMMERING)

164
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:10,798
What do I have to do?
Put a gun to your head?

165
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:15,836
Buy you a six-pack?
Come on, Brad, that's...

166
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,805
Wow, there's
really six of them.

167
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,708
Uh, but I can't.

168
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,042
Why not?
You have a boyfriend?

169
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,546
No. No, no boyfriend.

170
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:27,515
Great! It's a date.

171
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,550
Hey, Barn.
Hey...

172
00:07:31,619 --> 00:07:33,621
I just thought of a reason.

173
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:42,863
OLDER TED: The next night,
Robin and Brad went to
a hockey game.

174
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:45,933
You're probably wondering
why I've been quiet
all night.

175
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,100
Um...

176
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:50,137
Damn it, Hordichuk!
You miss another
gimme like that,

177
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,506
I'm gonna come down there
and put a slapper right
up your beerhole!

178
00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,141
Come on!

179
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,710
Not really.

180
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:59,212
The truth is, I feel kind
of weird being out with you.

181
00:07:59,513 --> 00:08:01,314
Oh, man.

182
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,183
Is this the talk?
What?

183
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,986
No, this is good.
Let's get it all
out of the way.

184
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,155
Robin, I'm looking
for something serious.

185
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,723
No, Brad, no, it's...

186
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,158
But before we
go any further,

187
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,927
you should know something
about my stuff below the belt.

188
00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:16,063
I was born
a little different.

189
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,999
God, no. Brad, no.

190
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:22,269
This is about me and Barney.
You and...

191
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,871
Oh! So, you guys are...

192
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,706
Well, we don't know
what we are.

193
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:27,641
I mean, my heart says,
"Leap into it."

194
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:29,843
My brain says,
"It's a bad idea."

195
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,779
Sounds like you guys
need to have the talk.

196
00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:33,681
We're not gonna have the talk!

197
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,083
Would you just
have the talk, okay?

198
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:39,219
It's a five-minute
conversation, and then you
get to have sex afterwards.

199
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:41,955
It's great!
Back me up, Ted.

200
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,323
I don't think
the talk is necessary.

201
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,224
(HIGH-PITCHED) What?

202
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,926
Thank you, Ted.

203
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,195
Because Robin is
already his girlfriend.

204
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,663
(HIGH-PITCHED) What?

205
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,733
MacLaren's Bar,
four years ago.

206
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,135
How do you keep a girl
from becoming your girlfriend?

207
00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:58,338
Simple, the rules for girls
are the same as the rules
for Gremlins.

208
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,107
Gremlins?
Gremlins.

209
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,110
Rule number one,
never get them wet.

210
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,679
In other words,
don't let her take
a shower at your place.

211
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,815
Number two, keep
them away from sunlight,

212
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,851
i.e. don't ever see
them during the day.

213
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,654
And rule number three,
never feed them
after midnight,

214
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:17,057
meaning she doesn't sleep over
and you don't have breakfast
with her.

215
00:09:17,090 --> 00:09:18,726
Ever.

216
00:09:18,759 --> 00:09:20,828
What about brunch?
Is brunch cool?

217
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,297
No, Ted, brunch is not cool.

218
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:29,002
Okay, new topic.
How do I pick a tie?

219
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,872
Simple. Remember in
the movie, Predator...

220
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:35,275
I've done all three of
those things with Robin.

221
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,910
Is she my girlfriend?

222
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,782
Just once, I wish you guys
would call me on Tuxedo Night.

223
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,552
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

224
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,757
time to pucker up for the
New York Rangers Kiss Cam!

225
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:50,991
CROWD:
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

226
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,225
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

227
00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:53,827
Okay, how about this?

228
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,996
If you kiss me and
you feel bad about it,

229
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,064
you're meant to be
with Barney.

230
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,066
(SIGHS) Why not?
Lay it on me.

231
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,340
Hey, Brad.

232
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,078
Brad, we can't fight
like this all night!

233
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,281
We both got
some good shots in.
Let's call a truce!

234
00:10:14,314 --> 00:10:15,949
It's okay, dude.

235
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,985
I shouldn't go kissing
some other guy's girlfriend.

236
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:21,054
BARNEY:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Girlfriend? Hey, come on.

237
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:23,056
That's putting it
a bit strongly. Okay.

238
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:24,825
A bit strongly.
She's not my girlfriend.

239
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:28,528
Yeah. A girlfriend's
a bit much, Brad,
okay? We...

240
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:32,800
Okay, seriously.
We're at the point
of physical violence.

241
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,102
Now, will you
please have the talk?

242
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,505
Because of that? Come on.
That's my thing.

243
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,041
I'm always
punching guys, girls.

244
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:43,143
I'll punch a baby.
I don't care.

245
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,914
OLDER TED: Finally,
my first class had arrived.

246
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,381
For real this time.

247
00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,283
I knew I had to make
a strong impression.

248
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:53,220
I had thought of
everything. Except...

249
00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,789
TED: Wait.
Does professor
have one "F" or two?

250
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,891
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!

251
00:10:57,925 --> 00:11:02,062
Professor. Professor.
They're all staring at me.

252
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:05,032
Professor. I don't know.
Just do something!

253
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,936
Two "F's".

254
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:11,038
That looks right.
I think that's right.

255
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,422
Hey, sorry I went
a little too far
last night.

256
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,590
Look, we've been over this.

257
00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,793
Unless I say "flugelhorn,"
you haven't gone too far.

258
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,296
No, I meant punching Brad.

259
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:39,632
Right. Look, don't even
worry about it. It's... Oh!

260
00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:42,369
God. The doorknob's
broken off.

261
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,337
We're locked in here.
Did you do this?

262
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,672
No.

263
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,307
Flugelhorn. Did you do this?

264
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:48,876
No.

265
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,644
Ted.

266
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:52,913
Ted, are you out there?

267
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,548
Ted's not here, Robin.

268
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,483
Lily, let us out of here.

269
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:58,218
I'd be glad to.

270
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,487
Just as soon as you
and Barney have the talk.

271
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,862
Lily! Come on. Let us out!

272
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:12,232
No. Sit down,
define the relationship,

273
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,835
write down
that definition
on a piece of paper,

274
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:18,605
slip it under the door and
if I like what I read,
you can go.

275
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,540
We are not having the talk!

276
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,342
Then you'll die in there.

277
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:24,044
You're gonna
lock us in here?
Well, guess what?

278
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:26,847
Maybe we'll spend the
whole day having sex!

279
00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,615
Well, guess what?

280
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:32,219
I brought Marshall with me,
so maybe we'll do the same.

281
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,121
Hey, guys.

282
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,792
OLDER TED: I still
hadn't decided what kind
of professor I wanted to be.

283
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,628
Authoritative or cool guy.

284
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:45,565
I thought I would
decide in the moment.
And I did, about 20 times.

285
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,567
Good morning.

286
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,237
S'up, dudes? Silence!

287
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:55,843
This is Architecture 101.
I am Professor Mosby,

288
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,979
but you can call me Ted.

289
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,514
Professor Mosby.

290
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,584
T-Dawg.

291
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,253
Do not call me T-Dawg.

292
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:13,894
Never take questions on the
first day. It shows weakness.

293
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:17,230
Also, don't look right here.

294
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,966
(CHUCKLING)

295
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,901
Okay, good luck. Byesies.

296
00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:25,973
OLDER TED: This was it,
my crossroads moment.

297
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:27,941
What kind of professor
was I gonna be?

298
00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,910
I had to decide.

299
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:33,280
Please save all your questions
until the end of the lecture.
Thank you!

300
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:35,615
Now...

301
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,350
OLDER TED:
Professor Mosby had arrived.

302
00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:39,887
Of course,
if I had taken
that girl's question,

303
00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,654
who, by the way,
was not your mom.

304
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,256
Your mom was sitting...

305
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,525
Wait, let me finish this
real quick.

306
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,827
Here's what that
girl would have said.

307
00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,729
I'm sorry to bother you,
Professor Mosby,

308
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:52,565
but this isn't
Architecture 101.

309
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:56,703
This is Economics 305.
You're in the wrong classroom.

310
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:59,072
OLDER TED: Yes, I was
in the wrong classroom.

311
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:02,142
And thus began
the most humiliating
seven minutes of my life.

312
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,611
Here's your
think-about-it for the day.

313
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:08,916
Every single
person in this room
is already an architect.

314
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:10,850
Architect?

315
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:17,657
(SIGHS)

316
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,559
"We're just hanging out."

317
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:21,228
Just hanging out?

318
00:14:21,828 --> 00:14:23,396
Not good enough.

319
00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,397
Not good enough!

320
00:14:26,666 --> 00:14:32,405
Can anyone here tell me
what this class is
really all about?

321
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:33,873
Economics?

322
00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,442
(STUDENTS LAUGHING)

323
00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:39,812
Now, now...
Don't laugh. He's not...
He's not entirely wrong.

324
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:44,484
An architect
must be economical
in his use of space, so...

325
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:47,820
Well done.

326
00:14:47,854 --> 00:14:51,992
Looks like
someone's building
towards an A. Huh?

327
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:55,929
"We're seeing
where things are going."

328
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,931
(LAUGHING)

329
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:02,035
I'll tell you where
things aren't going.
Out of that bedroom.

330
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,603
Not good enough.

331
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:04,671
Not good enough!

332
00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:08,841
You.

333
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:10,944
Why do you want
to be an architect?

334
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,980
I don't want to
be an architect.

335
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,915
Yes. Yes, exactly.

336
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,951
It's not something
you want to be.

337
00:15:17,985 --> 00:15:20,453
It's something
you need to be.

338
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:24,357
You don't
have a choice, right?
None of you has a choice.

339
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:25,458
No questions!

340
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:31,631
"We're Barnman and Robin."

341
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:34,634
Come on, you got to admit,
that's kind of funny, Lily.

342
00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,037
Not good enough.

343
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,571
Not good enough!

344
00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:42,175
So if any of you

345
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,245
have even
the slightest inclination
to do anything with your life

346
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,147
other than
become an architect,

347
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:50,050
you're wasting
my time and yours.

348
00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,185
There's the door. You can go.

349
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,223
I'm serious. Get out, now.

350
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:03,696
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait! Wait, wait, wait!
Don't all leave!

351
00:16:03,730 --> 00:16:06,066
Architecture's fun! Look!
I brought a Hacky Sack!

352
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,767
CALZONETTI:
Sorry I'm late, everyone.

353
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,837
My name is
Professor Calzonetti.
This is Economics 305.

354
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,072
You may return to your seats.

355
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,273
(TED LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

356
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:16,843
Sorry, sir.
This is Architecture 101.

357
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:19,379
Who invited their dad, right?

358
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,681
Young man,
for the last 28 years,

359
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:26,619
Economics 305 has
been taught right here
in Building 14, Room 7.

360
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:30,223
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure
200 architecture students

361
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:33,226
and their professor
all got the room wrong.

362
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:35,328
T-Dawg, you're in
the wrong room, bro.

363
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:41,801
TED:
College kids,
out of my way!

364
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,603
Sorry. Coming through.

365
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,539
(GRUNTING)

366
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,443
Excuse me.
Coming through.

367
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:58,885
Twenty minutes late
on your first day?
That's rough.

368
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,787
Yeah, but
here's the funny thing.

369
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:02,789
By that point, I didn't
have time to think about

370
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,557
what kind of teacher
I was going to be.

371
00:17:04,591 --> 00:17:08,095
I just got up there and
talked about architecture.

372
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,296
And it was kind of great.

373
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,030
That's awesome, Ted.

374
00:17:11,064 --> 00:17:12,299
Congratulations, buddy.
Thanks.

375
00:17:12,665 --> 00:17:13,866
ROBIN: Nice job, Ted.

376
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:14,867
BARNEY: Hey, Ted, Door 5!

377
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,703
(BANGING ON DOOR)

378
00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:19,172
BARNEY: Were you there?
I got you, buddy.

379
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:21,208
They still haven't
had the talk, huh?

380
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,810
I think I know how
to speed things up.

381
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:26,713
(SIGHS)

382
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,315
(SNIFFING)

383
00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:30,217
Oh! Not cool!

384
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:37,124
Pancakes, fresh bacon.
It is so yummy.

385
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,927
(EXCLAIMS) Dude,
I'm starving. Let's...

386
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,495
Let's just have
the stupid talk.

387
00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:45,332
Come on.
(SIGHING) Fine.

388
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:47,934
But how do these
things even work?
What do we say?

389
00:17:47,967 --> 00:17:49,236
(LILY CLEARING THROAT)

390
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,109
"Where do you see
this relationship going?"

391
00:17:56,143 --> 00:17:57,877
Oh, my God,
that sounds so cheesy.

392
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,146
(LAUGHING) I know, right?

393
00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:00,713
(LAUGHING) Totally.

394
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,282
But...

395
00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:04,784
Where do you see
this relationship going?

396
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,321
I don't know.

397
00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,922
I mean,
it's not like
I don't like you.

398
00:18:09,956 --> 00:18:13,693
I just haven't
had a girlfriend
for a long time.

399
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:14,894
I hope
that doesn't
make you mad.

400
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,263
Mad?

401
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,299
I feel the same way.
I suck at relationships.

402
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:23,770
I mean, except with Ted.
Man. He really got it right.

403
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:28,241
I know it's a cliche,
but he really ruined
me for other men.

404
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,743
OLDER TED: Of course,
I wasn't in the room
for this conversation,

405
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:34,147
but I have to imagine
Robin said something
like that.

406
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,749
Maybe we should go back
to being just friends.

407
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,850
Maybe.

408
00:18:39,051 --> 00:18:40,653
But...

409
00:18:40,687 --> 00:18:42,189
I don't want to
stop having sex.

410
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,356
Oh, good. Me, neither.

411
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,294
Yeah, friends
isn't gonna work.
Nope.

412
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,761
We're not good
at being friends,

413
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,129
We're not good at
being in a relationship.

414
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,864
What are we good at?

415
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,933
I know
something we're good at.
I don't know.

416
00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:55,902
If we're gonna do it again,
I'm gonna need some
Gatorade...

417
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:58,271
No. No, not that.

418
00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,939
Lying. Think about it.

419
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,941
We spent
the whole summer lying
about being just friends.

420
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,743
Why not just keep lying?

421
00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,853
Really?
Yeah. Really.

422
00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:17,590
We sat down.
We had the talk.
Barney's my boyfriend now.

423
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,359
And Robin's
my girlfriend.

424
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:22,028
I know it sounds nuts,
but it feels good to say.

425
00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:23,996
We're both
afraid of commitment,

426
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:27,234
but the fact is,
we also can't live
without each other.

427
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,701
And if the alternative
is not being together,

428
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:30,803
then it's worth
taking this risk 'cause

429
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,241
she's awesome.

430
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,775
And he's awesome.

431
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,345
He looks nice in a suit.

432
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,512
She can handle her scotch.

433
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,181
He's my boyfriend.

434
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,983
And she's my girlfriend.

435
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,252
(DOOR KNOB RATTLING)

436
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:53,926
Good enough!

437
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,063
(BARNEY AND ROBIN LAUGHING)

438
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,197
She bought it.

439
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,032
Hook, line and sinker.

440
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:02,502
We are good.
Totally.

441
00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,671
So, you want to
get some breakfast?

442
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,106
You know,
brunch actually
does sound kind of good.

443
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,176
Hmm. Well, lead the way,
sweetie pie.

444
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,844
Whoa! Flugelhorn.
Yeah, that felt wrong.

445
00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,213
(CHUCKLING)

446
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,726
You do realize
they were lying, right?

447
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,361
No, Ted.

448
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,563
They don't realize
they weren't lying.

449
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:32,565
(BOTH CHATTERING)

450
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,343
Oh! Hello.

451
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:45,111
Hello. Good evening.

452
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:46,646
Hello. Don't get up.

453
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,315
Didn't we meet on a yacht?

454
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,616
Hello.

455
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:55,154
What? Oh, no.

456
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:58,491
Did I not tell you guys
that it was Tuxedo Night?

457
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,793
Doesn't feel very good,
does it?