1 00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:04,589 Older Ted: In may of 2009, I was on the verge of scoring 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:07,508 my first big client as an independent architect. 3 00:00:07,592 --> 00:00:09,969 I was willing to do anything to make it happen. 4 00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:12,930 Here's what we want, son. It's real simple. 5 00:00:13,014 --> 00:00:15,474 We're opening a restaurant called rib town, 6 00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:17,685 and we want it to be shaped 7 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:19,478 like a cowboy hat. 8 00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,564 Older Ted: Anything. 9 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,191 A cowboy hat? 10 00:00:23,608 --> 00:00:26,235 That's brilliant. I love it! 11 00:00:26,319 --> 00:00:29,864 I mean, nothing says delicious like the inside of a cowboy hat, right? 12 00:00:29,947 --> 00:00:32,450 Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I... 13 00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:37,038 I think I was born to design this building. I just... 14 00:00:37,496 --> 00:00:38,623 I see it. 15 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,709 I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it. 16 00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:42,835 Hey. 17 00:00:42,919 --> 00:00:44,337 What's so good about it? 18 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:45,838 Uh-oh. Up all night? 19 00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:48,090 I told these guys I have a vision for this thing. 20 00:00:48,174 --> 00:00:50,593 They want to see a pitch in a week, and I got nothing. 21 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:51,677 Oh, it's cute. 22 00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:52,762 Cute? 23 00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,138 Yeah. Robin, 24 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:57,266 I could be designing concert halls and Bridges. 25 00:00:57,350 --> 00:01:00,436 Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums. 26 00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,314 And I could design those museums. 27 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:06,484 But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to? 28 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:10,529 A two-story stetson with outdoor dining on the brim. 29 00:01:11,447 --> 00:01:15,493 It's a sick cosmic joke. The universe is conspiring against me. 30 00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:19,372 Oh, you just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel. 31 00:01:19,455 --> 00:01:22,083 Yeah. Yeah, that'il solve everything. 32 00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:25,086 I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer. 33 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:28,464 A cinnamon-raisin bagel with a little cream cheese. 34 00:01:28,923 --> 00:01:31,676 Actually, that sounds pretty good. I'm going to get a bagel. 35 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:32,760 Bring an umbrella. 36 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,280 It's supposed to rain, according to galoshes, our weather clown. 37 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,640 Your show has a clown who does the weather? 38 00:01:37,723 --> 00:01:38,784 That's a little cheesy, don't you think? 39 00:01:38,808 --> 00:01:39,809 Yeah. 40 00:01:39,892 --> 00:01:43,896 And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, hoss? 41 00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,566 Fine. You want me out of the house, I'll get out of the house. 42 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:48,651 Uh-huh. 43 00:01:48,734 --> 00:01:52,863 Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there. 44 00:01:57,034 --> 00:02:00,204 Older Ted: Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother. 45 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,623 And while there's many things to learn from this story, 46 00:02:02,707 --> 00:02:04,667 this may be the biggest. 47 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:08,254 The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do. 48 00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:11,007 They'll also be the things that happen to you. 49 00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:14,760 No, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life. 50 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,596 You have to take action, and you will. 51 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,474 But never forget that, on any day, 52 00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:24,895 you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. 53 00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:29,567 You see, the universe has a plan, kids, and that plan is always in motion. 54 00:02:30,443 --> 00:02:31,986 A butterfly flaps its wings, 55 00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:35,489 And it starts to rain. 56 00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:38,701 It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful. 57 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,829 All these little parts of the machine constantly working, 58 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:44,498 making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, 59 00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,209 exactly when you're supposed to be there. 60 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:50,421 The right place at the right time. 61 00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:10,032 Older Ted: Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner, 62 00:03:10,066 --> 00:03:13,694 especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there. 63 00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:16,131 I mean, for instance, when I first stepped out of the apartment, 64 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:18,199 I almost went right instead of left. 65 00:03:18,282 --> 00:03:19,575 Why didn't I go right? 66 00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:21,827 Well, to answer that, we have to go back a few days. 67 00:03:22,286 --> 00:03:25,373 As you know, back then, your aunt Robin hosted a morning show. 68 00:03:25,456 --> 00:03:28,834 Now eunice here makes all of these purses herself. 69 00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:31,545 They are hand-embroidered with the world's finest silk. 70 00:03:31,629 --> 00:03:34,048 And each one takes months to make. 71 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:37,635 I cannot emphasize how much work goes into... 72 00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:43,391 Go to weather, you idiots. 73 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,185 Hey, everybody. 74 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:49,021 We got a high-pressure system coming in from the west and... 75 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:55,152 On the plus side, ibought the cutest purse today. 76 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:57,530 So, wait, why did you throw up? 77 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:59,240 You don't want to know. 78 00:03:59,323 --> 00:04:00,449 Come on. Tell me. 79 00:04:01,951 --> 00:04:03,411 I'm pregnant. 80 00:04:03,494 --> 00:04:06,205 I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this. 81 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,142 We can even get married if you want, but I'd still want to see other girls, 82 00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:10,519 so it'd have to be one of those kinds of marriages. 83 00:04:10,543 --> 00:04:11,919 God, stop it. 84 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:15,548 I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God! 85 00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,092 I ate something from this place, 86 00:04:18,175 --> 00:04:22,012 and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant. 87 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:23,431 God. From where? 88 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,391 Well, that's a gross question. 89 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,393 No, where was the food from? 90 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:30,646 I don't want to tell you. What? 91 00:04:30,729 --> 00:04:33,774 Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin scherbatsky, morning show, vomit." 92 00:04:33,858 --> 00:04:35,985 Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon? 93 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:38,320 Someone already put it on YouTube? 94 00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:40,072 Yeah. Someone. 95 00:04:41,991 --> 00:04:44,452 So, why you been throwing up? You pregnant? 96 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,871 Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant. 97 00:04:51,167 --> 00:04:53,520 So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning? 98 00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:57,423 You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it. 99 00:04:57,506 --> 00:04:59,049 Okay. That makes sense. 100 00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,342 Yeah. 101 00:05:00,426 --> 00:05:01,927 Don't tell me. 102 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,531 Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables? 103 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:05,556 I'm not saying. 104 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,741 That Spanish place with the baby's crib 105 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:07,868 in the middle of the restaurant? 106 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,310 I'm not saying. 107 00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:12,813 God, no. No, no, no. 108 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:15,649 Is it this place? Tell me, damn you! 109 00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:16,751 Fine, you really want to know? 110 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,486 Yes! 111 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:19,569 It's schlegel's bagels. 112 00:05:20,738 --> 00:05:22,865 Why did you tell me that? 113 00:05:22,948 --> 00:05:25,743 Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin. 114 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,388 Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in New York 115 00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:30,247 that serves bagels. 116 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:35,211 Older Ted: So, you see, kids, if I had gone to schlegel's bagels, as usual, 117 00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:36,378 I would have taken a right. 118 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,340 Older Ted: I would have gotten a bagel, 119 00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:41,967 gone home, worked on the old hat building, 120 00:05:42,051 --> 00:05:44,178 and you kids might never have been born. 121 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:49,016 But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place, 122 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:50,935 and the rest is history. 123 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:54,146 Of course, istopped at that magazine stand on the way. 124 00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:56,690 Why did I stop there? Here's why. 125 00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,651 Yes. 126 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,111 Yes! 127 00:06:02,655 --> 00:06:04,323 Bro's life magazine. 128 00:06:04,949 --> 00:06:07,159 Page 83. Check it. 129 00:06:08,661 --> 00:06:11,455 "What your paintball gun says about your personality." 130 00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:12,831 Below that. 131 00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:15,668 "That last five pounds. How to get her to lose them." 132 00:06:15,751 --> 00:06:17,211 Above that. 133 00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:19,171 "Petra petrova." 134 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:21,257 Petra petrova. 135 00:06:21,340 --> 00:06:25,427 Bro's life magazine's girl of the year for may. 136 00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:28,222 A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties, 137 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:29,932 straddling an atv. 138 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,284 These magazines are so lame. 139 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,119 I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced. 140 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,143 I have a date with her. 141 00:06:34,186 --> 00:06:36,313 You are my hero! Are you serious? 142 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:37,582 How do you have a date with her? 143 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:38,899 Not part of the story. 144 00:06:38,983 --> 00:06:42,319 Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this. 145 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,072 This girl is the one. 146 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:47,408 Of course, she's the one. You have to marry those. 147 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:48,617 Her. 148 00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:50,703 Marry? 149 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:56,125 No. I have something much, much more special in mind. 150 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,044 Petra here, if all goes well, 151 00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:01,422 will be my... Wait for it... 200th. 152 00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,424 Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting. 153 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:06,343 Your 200th, as in "sex with"? 154 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:10,889 As in "sex with." I request the highest of fives. 155 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,018 Not if I was wearing a Hazmat suit. 156 00:07:14,852 --> 00:07:16,562 Two hundred is too many. 157 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:20,399 Oh. Right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful. 158 00:07:20,482 --> 00:07:24,361 "Hey, babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers." 159 00:07:24,445 --> 00:07:28,282 "Hey, Steve guttenberg, maybe just make three police academy movies. 160 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:30,117 "America's laughed enough." 161 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:31,952 Who are these girls? 162 00:07:32,036 --> 00:07:33,787 That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list. 163 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:37,416 A hundred and ninety-nine satisfied customers. 164 00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,835 Anyway, the big night is Thursday. 165 00:07:39,918 --> 00:07:43,380 I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at maclaren's. 166 00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:46,550 Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred. 167 00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:49,720 Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart. 168 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:51,639 Barney, 200's too many. 169 00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,515 It's not too many. It's too many! 170 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,808 It's not too many. 171 00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:55,893 Thank you. 172 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,144 No, don't get me wrong. 173 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:58,228 You're disgusting, 174 00:07:58,312 --> 00:08:01,106 and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals, 175 00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:03,275 but that number should be higher. 176 00:08:03,359 --> 00:08:07,696 After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, well, 177 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:09,073 I had some charts made up. 178 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,452 Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week. 179 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:18,499 Whoa! It's way more than 20. And b. Smooth don't do nothing roughly. 180 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:23,671 Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year. 181 00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:26,590 In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity, 182 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:30,969 that means he's hit on 16,640 girls. 183 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,764 Now, if he's bedded 199 of them, 184 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,351 that's a success rate of 185 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,896 a little over one percent. 186 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,691 That's a batting average of12, 187 00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:46,777 eight times worse than the career batting average 188 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:51,949 of one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher, Jim abbott. 189 00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:57,329 Jealous. Jealous. 190 00:08:57,413 --> 00:08:58,747 Hero. 191 00:08:58,831 --> 00:09:00,708 Suspiciously quiet during this conversation 192 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,710 about number of sex partners. 193 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:03,877 Hero. 194 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,714 It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters. 195 00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:07,840 Says who? 196 00:09:07,923 --> 00:09:09,550 Matthew panning, 197 00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:12,302 the stud of port Richmond middle school. 198 00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,888 Sfinson, youte such a dweeb-o. 199 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,890 I bet you never even done it with a girl. 200 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:18,392 Neither have you. 201 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,769 How many times do I have to explain this? 202 00:09:20,853 --> 00:09:22,396 I've done it with 100 girls. 203 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:25,315 They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on long island. 204 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:28,736 Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200. 205 00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:32,948 Yeah. Call me when that happens. 206 00:09:34,158 --> 00:09:36,243 And call him I will. 207 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,705 I think he's gonna say it again really slow. 208 00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:41,999 Call him 209 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,543 iwill. 210 00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:49,590 Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162. 211 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,592 What? Let me see. 212 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,678 Seven... one... oh, my god. 213 00:09:55,679 --> 00:10:00,350 Wait I... I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at 198? 214 00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:04,605 Well, that only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought. 215 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:07,566 I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours. 216 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,235 I can't squander that on 199. 217 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,072 Petra has to be 200. 218 00:10:14,156 --> 00:10:15,258 Well, what are you gonna do? 219 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:16,843 I mean, it's not like you're gonna find someone new 220 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:19,036 to have sex with in the next two hours. 221 00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:20,764 Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut. 222 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,515 Wanna come back to my place and see some moon shells? 223 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:23,582 Go away. 224 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,018 I just got back from my wife's grave. 225 00:10:25,042 --> 00:10:26,668 Put her in the ground a year ago today. 226 00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,629 Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort. 227 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,755 You're creepy. 228 00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:32,883 Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down 229 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,177 and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now. 230 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:37,930 I have mace, and I enjoy using it. 231 00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:41,809 Marshall. 232 00:10:41,892 --> 00:10:44,913 Knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider... 233 00:10:44,937 --> 00:10:46,289 And by the way, I would do all the work... 234 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,356 I will end your life. 235 00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:48,732 Right. 236 00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,324 Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour. 237 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,493 You know, looking over the names on this list, 238 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:02,204 I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity. 239 00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:04,456 He should really look at that in himself. 240 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,335 Okay. All done. 241 00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:11,171 One hundred and ninety-nine down, one more to go. 242 00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:13,590 Hey, you done with your drink? 243 00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,135 There's the stuff. 244 00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:20,472 What the hell happened to you? 245 00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:24,017 So, there's this girl at my gym, pauline. 246 00:11:24,101 --> 00:11:25,769 She's been after me for some time. 247 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,104 Why'd you wait until now? 248 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,772 She's not exactly my type. 249 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,441 Barney: Looking good, pauline. 250 00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:32,693 You are gonna rip it up 251 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:36,530 at the women's pumping iron classic in sarasota this fall. 252 00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:44,746 So, I was thinking about you and me, 253 00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:48,125 and if you're still interested... 254 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:51,128 Okay, blondie, time for mama's cardio. 255 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,421 Sweet mommy! 256 00:11:53,297 --> 00:11:56,800 Every inch of her tasted like roast beef and creatine. 257 00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:00,345 But I did it. 258 00:12:00,429 --> 00:12:03,724 I did it, and I still have 30 minutes before I'm supposed to meet Petra. 259 00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:05,350 Robin, do you have any concealer handy? 260 00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,520 I'd really like to cover up some bruises and razor burn. 261 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:10,731 Barney, 262 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:12,983 I hate to break this to you, but... 263 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,234 What? 264 00:12:14,318 --> 00:12:17,362 Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice, 265 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:21,450 but you also went from 138 to 138. 266 00:12:21,533 --> 00:12:23,493 You used the same number twice. 267 00:12:23,577 --> 00:12:25,329 Wait, so that means 268 00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:28,081 pauline wasn't 199, pauline was 200? 269 00:12:28,582 --> 00:12:29,625 Congratulations! 270 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:35,172 No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra! Petra was supposed to be 200! 271 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,550 Gorgeous, feminine, doesn't-wear—a-weight-belt -in-bed Petra! 272 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,510 Hey, come on. You made it to 200. 273 00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:41,637 Yeah. 274 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:43,180 You should be proud. 275 00:12:43,347 --> 00:12:46,516 You should be tested, but you should be proud. 276 00:12:46,600 --> 00:12:49,853 Who cares if pauline doesn't pose for bikini pictures in magazines? 277 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,104 Actually, she does. 278 00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:54,191 She's gonna be in next week's issue of muscle sexxy. 279 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,568 And, like many of the ladies in that magazine, 280 00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,904 "sexxy" has two x's and one y. 281 00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:03,492 Older Ted: And so, on my way to get a bagel, 282 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:08,330 I stopped at a news stand for a full minute to check out a picture of Barney's 200th. 283 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:09,623 Barney! 284 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,834 Older Ted: Ifl hadn't done that, I would've walked right by the news stand, 285 00:13:12,918 --> 00:13:16,296 cut down 77th and gotten to that corner a minute early. 286 00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:19,007 I would've gotten the bagel, done some work, 287 00:13:19,091 --> 00:13:21,593 and you kids might never have been born. 288 00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:25,138 Now, why did I cut down 77th and give a dollar to the homeless guy? 289 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:26,348 Here's why. 290 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:29,226 Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath national bank... 291 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,523 Fran, I don't mean to bother you, but I have a big presentation tomorrow, 292 00:13:34,606 --> 00:13:35,649 and it would really help 293 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,235 if I could get, like, some charts and graphs made up. 294 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,420 Could you help me with that? 295 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,321 Honey, this is the graphics department. 296 00:13:41,405 --> 00:13:44,074 We can make as many graphs, as many charts, in as many colors, 297 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,910 on as many kinds of paper as you want. 298 00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,079 Oh, Fran. 299 00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,082 Oh, franny, franny, Fran. 300 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:54,918 We are gonna have some fun. 301 00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:59,089 I ranked the presidents in order of how dirty their names sound. 302 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,757 One, Johnson. 303 00:14:01,216 --> 00:14:02,759 Two, bush. 304 00:14:03,135 --> 00:14:04,845 Three, Harding. 305 00:14:04,928 --> 00:14:06,513 Four, polk. 306 00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,768 This circle represents "people who are breaking my heart," 307 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:14,521 and this circle represents 308 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,607 "people who are shaking my confidence daily." 309 00:14:18,150 --> 00:14:20,152 And where they overlap, 310 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,112 Cecilia. 311 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,617 This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars. 312 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:34,124 And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies. 313 00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:42,466 What's going on? 314 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:43,925 Enough with the charts. 315 00:14:44,009 --> 00:14:45,552 And the graphs. 316 00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,555 Really, any visual representation of data. 317 00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,225 I'm not an idiot. Okay? 318 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,730 I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs. 319 00:14:56,813 --> 00:14:59,566 As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts. 320 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:02,319 Let's take a look. Yes, it is true. 321 00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:06,281 Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping. 322 00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:10,535 But, based on recent trends, I have also made 323 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:12,496 a projection chart! 324 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,290 And look, huge spike in interest coming! 325 00:15:15,373 --> 00:15:17,751 And this isn'tjust some dead cat bounce. 326 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:21,129 This is big, sustainable growth over the long term. 327 00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:23,673 You're a big, sustainable growth. 328 00:15:25,509 --> 00:15:29,429 Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts 329 00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:33,183 to demonstrate how setting up a shell corporation in Bermuda 330 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,811 could help minimize our second-quarter losses 331 00:15:36,937 --> 00:15:38,730 and save you all some jail time. 332 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,025 To begin with... 333 00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,782 Could you just please excuse me? 334 00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:54,871 Mosbius designs. 335 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:56,349 What the hell happened to my charts? 336 00:15:56,373 --> 00:15:57,457 We threw them away. 337 00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:58,583 What? 338 00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:00,311 That's how an intervention works, Marshall. 339 00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:02,879 You wouldn't stop using, so we flushed your stash. 340 00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:05,674 Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man! 341 00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:08,444 Just for today, and then I promise I will never ever use charts again. 342 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,096 I'm under a lot of pressure here. I need my charts, Jack! 343 00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,890 My god, you're doing charts at work? 344 00:16:14,349 --> 00:16:17,727 They're for work, you idiot! I'm giving a big presentation right now, 345 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,831 and if I don't have those charts, I'm gonna get fired! 346 00:16:19,855 --> 00:16:23,608 Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there. I'll bring them to you. 347 00:16:23,692 --> 00:16:26,403 Hurry up! I'll try to think of a way to stall them. 348 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:29,573 Hi. Okay. 349 00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:31,759 I'm sorry, but there's been a little delay with the charts. 350 00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:34,911 But we will get started in just a minute. 351 00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,003 Fish are weird, right? 352 00:16:43,587 --> 00:16:45,922 I mean, what's up with fish? 353 00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,389 Milt: Charts! Get your charts here! 354 00:16:56,224 --> 00:17:00,437 Oh! Excuse me, milt. I think those are my charts. 355 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:02,230 These charts? Yeah. 356 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:03,607 On my blanket? 357 00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:06,318 That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later. 358 00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:07,736 But I really need these charts. 359 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,030 Oh good, 'cause they're for sale. 360 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,740 Fine, how much? 361 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:14,618 One million dollars. 362 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,119 I'll give you five bucks. 363 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,787 A million dollars. 364 00:17:17,871 --> 00:17:20,957 No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts. 365 00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:22,959 One million dollars. 366 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,961 Okay, milt, you win. 367 00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:28,215 I'm gonna give you one million dollars. 368 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,592 Urinating... 369 00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,385 The problem is, the atm... 370 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,346 The alien time machine. 371 00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,891 The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit. 372 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:42,395 So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar a day, 373 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:45,732 for a million days. 374 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,150 Thats_. 375 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,152 That's 2,700 years. 376 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:50,362 Yeah. 377 00:17:50,654 --> 00:17:51,988 Deal! 378 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:54,199 Okay. 379 00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,159 Suckeh 380 00:17:56,618 --> 00:17:59,955 I'm sorry, is there a land bass I don't know about? 381 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,001 Let's get started. 382 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,765 Older Ted: And so, if! Hadn't bought those charts back for Marshall, 383 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:11,132 I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th to give milt his daily dollar 384 00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,676 and, well, you know the rest. 385 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,760 Milt: Thank you. 386 00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:15,363 Older Ted: So, there you have it, kids. 387 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:16,614 There's a lot of little reasons 388 00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,598 why the big things in our lives happen. 389 00:18:18,682 --> 00:18:21,282 If I had known then where all those little things were leading me, 390 00:18:21,351 --> 00:18:23,520 and how grateful I'd be to get there, 391 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,856 we”, [probably would've done something 392 00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,941 like this. 393 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:33,446 Hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high 394 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:40,870 hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high 395 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:48,253 hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high 396 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:54,509 and they're all right and they're all right 397 00:18:54,592 --> 00:18:57,804 and they're all right and they're all right 398 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:02,809 glad girls only want to get you high 399 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:07,355 and they're all right and they're all right 400 00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:11,276 older Ted: Because, somehow, I ended up in the right place at the right time. 401 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:14,863 And, as a result, my life would never be the same. 402 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,882 Older Ted: The next day, uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew panning, 403 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,009 the stud of port Richmond middle school. 404 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,887 So, Barney, great to hear from you after all this time. 405 00:19:38,970 --> 00:19:40,013 What's been going on? 406 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,432 I've had sex with 200 women. 407 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:47,187 Oh god! That's way too many. 408 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,522 I mean, that's just gross. 409 00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:51,366 Have you sought counseling for sex addiction? 410 00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,942 Because you're a prime candidate. 411 00:19:53,026 --> 00:19:55,987 Have you sought counseling for I win-you lose? 412 00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:59,449 Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls you nailed in the seventh grade 413 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,201 aren't so impressive. 414 00:20:01,284 --> 00:20:03,912 A hundred girls? Is that what this is about? 415 00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:05,580 Barney, I lied. 416 00:20:05,663 --> 00:20:06,873 Sure you did. 417 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,626 I was 12. Of course I was lying. 418 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,753 I didn't have a pet ewok, either. 419 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:13,129 Sure you didn't. 420 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:16,466 Your whole adult life has been built around 421 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,177 something I lied about when I was 12? 422 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,262 Jealous? 423 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:24,140 Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school. 424 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,726 It sounds like you got a lot of problems. 425 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:28,353 Good luck, I guess. 426 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,065 I'm awesome. 427 00:20:33,316 --> 00:20:35,944 Okay, 200. 428 00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:38,905 Now what?