1 00:00:02,295 --> 00:00:04,505 Older Ted: Kids, Stella zinman was the girl 2 00:00:04,589 --> 00:00:07,008 I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. 3 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,509 Until she left me at the altar, 4 00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:10,636 smashing my heart to smithereens. 5 00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,014 So when I ran into her seven months later, 6 00:00:13,097 --> 00:00:15,725 there was only one way to deal with her. 7 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,226 Stella! 8 00:00:17,310 --> 00:00:18,394 Great to see you! 9 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:19,562 You, too. 10 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,272 And Tony! 11 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:24,358 Hey! What a nice surprise. Hey. 12 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,152 "What a nice surprise"? 13 00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:28,696 No, a nice surprise would be if a safe fell 14 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,157 from 40 stories and smushed them both. 15 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,593 I mean, you didn't let them have it? 16 00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:34,076 No, we had a nice friendly chat, 17 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,037 then they went their way and I went mine. 18 00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,789 Ted, you blew it. He blew it, right? 19 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,585 Well played, sir. Bravo. 20 00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:45,338 What? You see, Robin, Ted played it cool, 21 00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:47,590 which is exactly what he should have done. 22 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,384 As a matter of fact, I'd say on a scale ranging from... 23 00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:53,221 And I kept this sweater of yours 24 00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,765 and sometimes I just sit in the bathtub 25 00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:59,310 for hours just, you know, just sniffing it. 26 00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:00,978 All the way to... 27 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,315 This is my new fiancée. She's basically Stella, 28 00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:08,778 except she's French and, as you can see, she's got enormous cans. 29 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,539 I'd say you nailed it. 30 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:24,210 I'll do you one better. You, sir, got Stella thinking. 31 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:28,172 "Gosh, Ted seemed so cool today. Did I choose the wrong guy?" 32 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,259 Give it a week, you'll get her back. 33 00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,010 And her front. 34 00:01:34,053 --> 00:01:37,181 Did you just feel that? I think we just had a "what up" quake. 35 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,520 I don't want her back. Or her front. I just want to move on. 36 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,480 And this was an important step towards that. 37 00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:45,815 To moving on. 38 00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:49,151 Older Ted: And, you know, I really meant it. 39 00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:52,530 But still, that night, my mind began to wander. 40 00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:57,451 I made a terrible mistake. 41 00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:58,619 I know. 42 00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:00,162 I'm a better person than you are. 43 00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:01,789 You totally are. 44 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,934 Let's get back together and have way more sex than before. 45 00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,167 Deal! 46 00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,387 Heho, Ted. 47 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,821 No, come in. It's not weird at all. 48 00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,866 Ted, teddv Ted, Ted, Ted. 49 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,454 I knew it was wrong to steal somebody's fiancée. 50 00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:45,833 I mean, I grappled with it. I was up nights. And not for the good reason. 51 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:48,044 Well, sometimes for the good reason. 52 00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:50,230 I mean, Stella and I hadn't seen each other in five years, 53 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:54,342 so, as you can imagine, the beginning, it was just fast and furious. 54 00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:56,260 Lamps breaking, furniture moving. 55 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,345 You see this bald patch? 56 00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:58,429 Yeah, Tony... 57 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,264 Anyway, we moved on. 58 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,225 Me, Lucy, Stella, we were gonna move to la. 59 00:03:03,309 --> 00:03:05,436 I was gonna become a screenwriter. 60 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:10,107 Then we bumped into you, and you just looked so sad. 61 00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,109 Sad? No. I... 62 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,861 I think what you're calling sad 63 00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:16,197 was actually a jovial nonchalance. 64 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,074 Ted, you looked awful, okay? 65 00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:20,368 Like a little dachshund puppy with a bad back 66 00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,370 that's got to pull itself around on a cart. 67 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:23,537 Why are you here? 68 00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:27,875 Look, Ted, I know I can come across pretty tough, 69 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,795 but I can't bear to have hurt someone the way I hurt you. 70 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,048 I think fate put me on that corner to make this right. 71 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,634 Obviously, I can't fill that giant crater 72 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,219 that Stella left in your heart. 73 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,012 I've been dating. Like, a lot. 74 00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:41,389 And then I heard you got fired. 75 00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:44,308 I transitioned into small business ownership. 76 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,143 It's the backbone of the economy. 77 00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,478 No, it's not. 78 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,897 Ted, my family's got a lot of money. 79 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,442 And I want to use that money to make this right with you. 80 00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:55,903 Tony is rich? Oh, Ted. 81 00:03:56,153 --> 00:04:00,366 Oh, Ted, tell me he wrote you a check. 82 00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:04,537 Tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. 83 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,873 A check so big it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. 84 00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,834 That is a big, fat check. 85 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,169 A check so big, if you had sex with it, 86 00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:13,504 you wouldn't tell your buddies. 87 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,297 That is a big, fat check. 88 00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,924 A check so big 89 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,386 that when you sit next to it on an airplane, you find yourself wondering 90 00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,197 whether the check should have bought two seats. 91 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:25,349 That_ is a big, fat check! 92 00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,601 Yeah! He didn't write me a check. 93 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,354 Ted, I want to offer you a job. A job? 94 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,357 Every year, my family gives a lot of money to Columbia university, 95 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,151 so I got some pull. 96 00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:37,528 How would you like to design... 97 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,172 Older Ted: My heart leapt into my throat. 98 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,657 A new library? A new student center? 99 00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,536 Your very own curriculum as a professor of architecture. 100 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:48,622 No, thanks. 101 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,293 What do you mean, "no, thanks"? 102 00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:56,213 Ted, you would be a great professor, okay? 103 00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:59,758 You are knowledgeable, you're a good talker, 104 00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,094 and when you need to, 105 00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,513 you can grow a very handsome neck beard. 106 00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:06,974 I'm not gonna be a professor. 107 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,368 Teaching architecture is what you do 108 00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,744 when your career has totally bottomed out 109 00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,020 and you need to pay the bills. 110 00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,983 Hey, hey, hey! Small business owner. Backbone of the economy. 111 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,652 I'm not gonna take that job, all right? I'm gonna be just fine. 112 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,736 New topic. 113 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,322 Okay, new topic. 114 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,992 I just got a $200 speeding ticket today. 115 00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:28,078 That sucks, dude. You couldn't talk your way out of it? 116 00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,722 You can't talk your way out of a ticket. 117 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:30,831 I've done it. 118 00:05:30,915 --> 00:05:34,168 It was... What was it? It was 1998. 119 00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,462 So where's the fire? 120 00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,172 There's no fire. 121 00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:43,844 Actually, you know, there is a fire at this barbecue I'm headed to. 122 00:05:43,928 --> 00:05:47,515 Nothing special. Burgers, ribs, brats. 123 00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:51,268 Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to be... 124 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,481 Did you say brats? Yeah, brats. 125 00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,859 My mom marinates them in Belgian beer for two days. No big. 126 00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:03,989 Funny thing was, I could've sworn that one of those thick, succulent, 127 00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:06,784 hickory-smoked brats had some writing on it. 128 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,827 Weird. Anyways, what were you saying? 129 00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,455 What... what did it say? The brat? 130 00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:16,544 It said, "property of Minnesota state trooper jorgensen." 131 00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:20,923 You a... you a brat man, officer jorgensen? 132 00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:26,053 You going to this address? Mmm-hmm. 133 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,376 Follow me and lean on the horn. 134 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,973 We're gonna be running some reds. 135 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,602 Well, duh. I would've done that, too, 136 00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:35,980 if I'd have been going to a barbecue. 137 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,314 Damn, I was. 138 00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,233 See, it's all about sizing up your opponent. 139 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,076 I could tell that the officer was a brat man, 140 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:42,570 because, well, he was out of breath 141 00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:47,283 just from walking to my car and he had mustard on his holster. 142 00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:49,285 Marshall Eriksen! 143 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:53,038 Manipulating an officer of the law with your sausage. 144 00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,748 That is very hot. 145 00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,335 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? 146 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:02,256 You think I can't talk my way out of a ticket? 147 00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,135 I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. 148 00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:09,346 If I can talk a stripper into paying me for a lap dance, 149 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,390 I think I can talk my way out of a ticket. 150 00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,851 Challenge accep... wait for it. 151 00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,355 What? I don't get it. 152 00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,526 Oh, "Ted." "Accep-Ted." 153 00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:24,695 I get it now. 154 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,117 What now? You want to be an architect? Great. 155 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,329 Guy I went to private school with wants a new house built. 156 00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,622 Job's yours if you want it. 157 00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,249 Tony, look, I don't need your help. 158 00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,543 Here's what he's offering you. 159 00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,382 That is a big, fat check. 160 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,725 Showtime. 161 00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,227 License and registration. 162 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,605 Oh. Of course, officer. Right away. 163 00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:06,320 Sir, this is a gift certificate 164 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,864 for a custom-tailored Italian suit. 165 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,699 So, we done here? 166 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:13,702 $375! 167 00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,830 And he kept the gift certificate. Oh, man. 168 00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:19,559 I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him to short-sheet him on the crotch. 169 00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:21,001 You are bad at this, dude. 170 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:22,920 Whatever, Robin. 171 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,714 Like you've ever talked your way out of a ticket. 172 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,925 Are you kidding me? Robin's a pretty girl. 173 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,551 Pretty girls don't get tickets. 174 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,515 I bet Robin's been pulled over tons of times, never once gotten a ticket. 175 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,306 That is outrageous! 176 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,183 And factual. 177 00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:38,977 License and... 178 00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:44,566 Oh, honey. Oh, no, no, no, don't cry. 179 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:47,027 It's okay. No ticket for you. 180 00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:49,613 Just go a little slower next time, okay? 181 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,448 Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. 182 00:08:54,827 --> 00:08:56,370 Thank you. 183 00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,914 Yeah! 184 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:03,001 Excuse me. I think I left something in New Jersey. 185 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:07,464 Hey! How did your lunch go with the rich guy? 186 00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,925 Well, it started off great. 187 00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:14,888 I want to design a house that celebrates the landscape without overpowering it. 188 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,991 You know, when frank Lloyd Wright designed fallingwater 189 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,350 in 1935, there's... 190 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:21,645 Yes, yes, that's all fine. I'm sure you'll do a great job. 191 00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,814 What I'm really worried about is the basement. 192 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,524 Specifically, the laundry room. 193 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,317 The laundry room? 194 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:30,904 I require a laundry room of 15 feet by 15 feet, 195 00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:34,616 stain-proof ceramic tile from floor to ceiling. 196 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:39,288 I'm a man who likes to do his own laundry, and sometimes, it gets messy. 197 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,582 Messy? Messy. 198 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:46,420 Steel chains will dangle from the ceiling at a height of 9 feet. 199 00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,590 And that is where my laundry bags will hang 200 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,675 for three days and three nights 201 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,344 before I clean them. 202 00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:59,683 Ted, it... it kind of sounds like what this guy is asking you to design... 203 00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,644 It's a murder house. It is. It's totally a murder house. 204 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,855 You know, as a martial artist, 205 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,607 I'm trained to trust my instincts, 206 00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:10,694 and my instincts are saying this feels very good. 207 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,031 The steak is so rare. 208 00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,243 Right? Right? 209 00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:22,080 One final concern, soundproofing. 210 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:26,001 I tend to make a lot of racket when I launder. 211 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,170 I'll show you what I mean. 212 00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,297 I'm gonna go to my laundry room, 213 00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,508 and you tell me if you can hear me. 214 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,640 Tony, does something feel off about this guy? 215 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:40,974 Yeah. 216 00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,977 Off the hook! Bro, you are nailing this. 217 00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,042 Ted, you can't design a murder house! 218 00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,251 I'm not gonna design a murder house. 219 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,860 Ted, you can't design a murder house! 220 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,570 I'm not gonna design a murder house! 221 00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,910 Bring it. 222 00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:04,164 Officer, please, my wife is about to have a baby! Her waterjust broke! 223 00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:05,916 Where's your wife? 224 00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:10,295 She took the other car. This is Italian leather, so... 225 00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,422 L.comem 226 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,343 I'm sorry about that murder house thing. 227 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,680 That was my bad. That's on me. So, new plan. 228 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:25,853 You, my friend, are gonna build the statue of Liberty a husband. 229 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,688 Now, I got some suction down at city hall. 230 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,273 Tony, stop it! 231 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,692 I don't want your help, okay? You don't have to do this. 232 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,235 Why? Yes, I do. 233 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:34,862 Because. 234 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:40,325 When you were with Stella, I know how much I missed her. 235 00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,244 I can only imagine you feel the same way. 236 00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,748 Okay, well, let me put your mind at ease. 237 00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,459 I don't want Stella back, okay? 238 00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,962 She lied to me and left me at the altar. 239 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,716 What kind of person does that? I'm better off without her. 240 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,968 She's all yours, buddy. 241 00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,807 There you go. Load off my mind. 242 00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,643 Older Ted: And that was it. Tony left, 243 00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,438 and I began to put this whole business far behind me. 244 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:10,772 Or so I thought. 245 00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:14,818 Stella. 246 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,237 Tony broke up with me. 247 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:26,496 Wow. Okay, Tony broke up with you? 248 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,166 He said it was because of something you said. 249 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,501 You got Tony to dump Stella? 250 00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:35,756 I am very sorry, but I'm going to have to insist that you bump this. 251 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,676 Let's... let's talk out in the hall. 252 00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:41,929 I'll be waiting. 253 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,767 So, why are you here? 254 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:53,190 Look, Ted, this is about seven months too late, but here goes. 255 00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,778 I've been in love with Tony since high school. 256 00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:58,987 We dated for a long time, 257 00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:02,950 but then I got pregnant, and I guess for two 19-year-olds, 258 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,994 it was just too much to handle, so we broke up. 259 00:13:06,078 --> 00:13:09,748 And for a long time, I just focused on being a mother. 260 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:12,334 I forgot about Tony. I forgot about 261 00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:15,837 the very idea of being in love. 262 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,466 And then you came along and reminded me. 263 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,718 And I loved you for that. 264 00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:29,142 I loved you so much, in fact, that it was just shy of enough. 265 00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,231 But I never stopped loving Tony. 266 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,943 Take him back, honey. He's sorry. 267 00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,988 No, that's... that's not... That's not what's happening. 268 00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,490 Just go back inside, Mrs. Matsen. 269 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,413 It was good seeing you, Stella. 270 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,289 Can you talk to Tony? 271 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,003 What? He'd listen to you. 272 00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:58,422 I mean, you changed his mind. You could change it back. 273 00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,923 I know it's an awful thing to ask... 274 00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,300 Yeah, it's an awful thing to ask. 275 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,762 Well, I don't know what else to do, okay? I love him. 276 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,056 Oh, you love him. So, what? You're... 277 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,809 You're appealing to the romantic in me? 278 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,519 Is that your strategy? 279 00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:16,356 Because that guy's gone. You can't pull those strings anymore. 280 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,568 They're not attached to anything, thanks to you. 281 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,611 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 282 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,865 Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 283 00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,161 Okay, you can do this. You can do this! 284 00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,205 Oh, you can do this. 285 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,625 License and... License and registration. 286 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,127 Excuse me? 287 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,795 I can only assume you need a license 288 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,756 to have a face that beautiful. 289 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,424 And that body? 290 00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,302 I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered 291 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,637 with the proper authorities. 292 00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:49,473 Get out of the car. 293 00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,892 Why? Am I under arrest? 294 00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:59,149 But you're about to be under me. 295 00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,863 No. False. Did not happen. 296 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,699 That's a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. 297 00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:09,993 Hell, I've made that porno. 298 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,221 When will you guys realize that the only difference 299 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,830 between my real life and a porno 300 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,415 is my real life has better lighting? 301 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:16,666 You're lying. 302 00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,460 I am not lying! 303 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,754 I swear on my mother. 304 00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,090 I swear on Goliath national bank. 305 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,883 I swear on my suits. 306 00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,845 I am not lying. 307 00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:31,473 Older Ted: He was lying. Here's what really happened. 308 00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,433 Go ahead, honey, kiss him. 309 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:36,686 Go inside, Mrs. Matsen! Mrs. Matsen, go inside! 310 00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,196 Is there anything I can do to make this better? 311 00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,241 Hello. Ted, it's me! It's Barney. 312 00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:50,968 It's me! I need your help and I'm in big trouble! 313 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,036 Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. What happened? 314 00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,957 I'm guessing something that explosive has to be registered 315 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,292 with the proper authorities. 316 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,836 Get out of the car. 317 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,796 Why? Am I under arrest? 318 00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,548 Yes, you are. I ran your plates. 319 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,467 You've had 15 moving violations in the last three days. 320 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:08,844 Get out of the car. 321 00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:11,346 But, no, my wife's having a baby! 322 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,740 I have a sausage with your name on it! 323 00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:13,807 Out of the car now! 324 00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:18,603 I need you to come to Brazzaville, New Jersey and bail me out. 325 00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,457 I'm kind of in the middle of something. 326 00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:23,316 Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of the kind of the hardened criminals 327 00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,985 they've got me in here with. 328 00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,696 Are we gonna get our spray paint back? 329 00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,906 Save me, Ted! 330 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:34,995 You want to do something for me? I need a ride to New Jersey. 331 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,914 Okay. You'll pay for tolls, right? 332 00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,333 I'm kidding. 333 00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,462 Older Ted: So Stella and I drove all the way out to New Jersey, 334 00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131 bailed your uncle Barney out of jail 335 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,008 and drove all the way home. 336 00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,819 Oh, by the way, Ted, how's that girl you've been seeing? 337 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:53,388 That super hot French chick with the big enormous boobs? 338 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,683 Oh, you mean claudette? Yeah, she's... she's fine. 339 00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,478 Man, she's the hottest girl you have ever been with, Ted. 340 00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,606 Ever! Bye, Stella. 341 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:11,448 Ted, I'm so sorry again about everything. 342 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,535 For what it's worth... I'll talk to Tony. 343 00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:16,828 Really? 344 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:20,790 I want you to be happy, Stella. I'll talk to him. 345 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,126 Older Ted.“ And I did. 346 00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,610 I don't remember what I said to him, 347 00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,296 but I guess I changed his mind, 348 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:30,842 because the next day, they flew to California. 349 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,262 Stella set up a new dermatology practice. 350 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:37,891 And against all odds, Tony found some success as a screenwriter. 351 00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:41,186 His movie, the wedding bride, was a big hit. 352 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:42,646 But we'll get to that later. 353 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,649 Okay, but just tell me this. Why Tony? 354 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,902 I mean, is it the money, the kung fu pajamas? 355 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,487 Like, what... what is it? 356 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,573 He's the one. 357 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,202 The one. 358 00:17:57,494 --> 00:18:00,538 Yeah, I know it's kind of sappy, but, yeah. 359 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,586 Okay, I'm gonna say something out loud 360 00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,105 that I've been doing a pretty good job 361 00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,173 of not saying out loud lately. 362 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,177 What you and Tony have, 363 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,681 what I thought for a second you and I had, 364 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,309 what I know that Marshall and Lily have, 365 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:26,273 I want that. I do. 366 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,014 I keep waiting for it to happen 367 00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,111 and waiting for it to happen, and... 368 00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,156 I guess I'm just... 369 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,243 I'm tired of waiting. 370 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,707 And that is all I'm going to say on that subject. 371 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,673 You know, I once talked my way out of a speeding ticket. 372 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,008 Really? 373 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,652 I was heading upstate to my parents' house 374 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,887 doing, like, 90 on this country road, and I got pulled over. 375 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,140 So this cop gets out of his car. 376 00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,392 He kind of swaggers on over and he's, like, 377 00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,687 "young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." 378 00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:09,316 So I looked up at him and I said, "I'm so sorry, officer. 379 00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:11,526 "I got here as fast as I could." 380 00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,528 For real? 381 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,489 No. It's an old joke. 382 00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,620 I know that you're tired of waiting, 383 00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,957 and you may have to wait a little while more, 384 00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,877 but she's on her way, Ted. 385 00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:34,507 And she's getting here as fast as she can. 386 00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,685 Bye, Stella. 387 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,104 Goodbye, Ted. 388 00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:55,862 But somehow you have shattered my defense 389 00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,699 and this is gonna hurt 390 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,660 if it ever starts 391 00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:09,125 so promise you'll be careful with my heart 392 00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:15,006 careful with my heart 393 00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,971 she tracked me down two days later using a phone book. 394 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:25,850 And that's the last time I wrote my name in my undergarments. 395 00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:27,811 Hey. 396 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729 Hey, Lily! Lily! 397 00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:30,939 You're back! 398 00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:34,943 Barney, when you told me that peanut butter and jam joke, 399 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,445 I was completely disgusted. 400 00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:40,490 But I was in the shower this morning and it popped into my head 401 00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:45,078 and it actually made me laugh. Peanut butter. 402 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:48,415 So I can see now how I may have overreacted. 403 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,458 Marshall's words, not mine. 404 00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,585 Well, it's good to see you again, Lily. 405 00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,087 Thanks. 406 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,422 So what have you been up to? 407 00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,633 I'm going to an amnesia ward with a bunch of photos of my "children" 408 00:20:58,716 --> 00:20:59,843 and a wedding ring. 409 00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:03,221 I'm gonna find the hottest patient/my wife, and we are going... 410 00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,933 Okay, so that's good enough for tonight. I gotta ease back into this. 411 00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,601 See you tomorrow!