1
00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:06,507
You will not believe what
happened at laser tag last night.

2
00:00:06,591 --> 00:00:08,759
People freaked out because
a creepy man in a suit

3
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,428
wouldn't leave their kids alone?

4
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,848
Vveh, yeah, pretty much.

5
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:19,812
Come on!

6
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,733
Boy: Ow! My shoulder!

7
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:25,526
Come on.

8
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:29,530
Stinson, my office! Now!

9
00:00:29,614 --> 00:00:30,865
Crap.

10
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,367
Disorderly game play,

11
00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:36,037
three counts of shoving,
and now this!

12
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,164
Stinson, you're a liability!

13
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:41,542
I know I don't play by your
"precious rules," mccracken,

14
00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:42,877
but damn it, I get results!

15
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:46,964
Look, you're a good
laser tag player,

16
00:00:47,340 --> 00:00:48,966
maybe the best I've ever seen.

17
00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:52,178
But one of these days,
you're gonna get someone hurt.

18
00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,888
Maybe even yourself.

19
00:00:54,305 --> 00:00:56,224
You just forget what
it's like out there.

20
00:00:56,307 --> 00:00:59,227
You've had your fat ass stuck
behind that desk for too long.

21
00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:01,229
That's it! You're
out of here, Stinson!

22
00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:02,855
Hand in your gun
and your ID badge!

23
00:01:02,939 --> 00:01:05,066
With pleasure.

24
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:11,822
Please don't do this.
This game is all I got.

25
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:16,494
And I've almost got enough tickets
for the remote-control helicopter.

26
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:17,787
Please.

27
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,124
I can't believe I'm doing this.

28
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,293
But I'm gonna give
you one last shot.

29
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:29,966
But so help me, if you so
much as step one toe out of line,

30
00:01:30,049 --> 00:01:31,902
you're gonna be playing duck
hunt in your mama's basement

31
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,844
so fast it's gonna
make your head spin.

32
00:01:33,970 --> 00:01:35,888
Now, get out of here!

33
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,644
You won't regret this.

34
00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:47,692
Whoa.

35
00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:52,029
That's it, Stinson.
You're banned for life!

36
00:02:13,384 --> 00:02:16,595
I can't believe you got kicked out
of laser tag. What are you gonna do?

37
00:02:16,679 --> 00:02:19,557
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

38
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,226
I'll tell you what
Ted and I are gonna do.

39
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:26,564
We're gonna break in after
hours and tp the place.

40
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:30,985
Barney, we are too old to
cover a place in toilet paper

41
00:02:31,068 --> 00:02:32,879
just because they won't
let you play laser tag.

42
00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:35,489
And for that matter,
we're too old for laser tag.

43
00:02:35,573 --> 00:02:38,659
Ted, laser tag knows
no age restrictions.

44
00:02:38,743 --> 00:02:40,411
Kind of like stripping
in the midwest.

45
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:42,121
Yeah, whatever.

46
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:44,123
I'm adding laser tag
to the Murtaugh list.

47
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,292
Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.

48
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,793
Yeah. What's the Murtaugh list?

49
00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,896
Older Ted: The Murtaugh list
is something that came into being

50
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,547
around the time I turned 30.

51
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,091
It all started with your
uncle Marshall's beer bong.

52
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,763
When we were in our early
203, every time we had a party,

53
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,639
that beer bong came out.

54
00:03:00,723 --> 00:03:03,434
And around the time we
turned 30, same thing.

55
00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:06,520
Of course, in our early 203,
the next day would go like this.

56
00:03:07,772 --> 00:03:11,108
But by the time we were 30,
the next day would go like this.

57
00:03:13,611 --> 00:03:17,073
Then one day, in the throes
of the worst hangover of my life,

58
00:03:17,156 --> 00:03:18,783
I realized there
was only one person

59
00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,451
in the world that
I could relate to.

60
00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:22,495
Detective Roger Murtaugh,

61
00:03:22,578 --> 00:03:26,540
played by Danny glover in the
'803 noir masterpiece lethal weapon,

62
00:03:26,624 --> 00:03:28,834
known for his
oft-quoted catchphrase...

63
00:03:28,918 --> 00:03:30,044
I'm too old for this...

64
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:33,255
Older Ted: Stuff. He said,
"I'm too old for this stuff."

65
00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,716
It's sad to admit,
but as you get older,

66
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,694
there's just certain things
you can't do anymore.

67
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:40,721
That's why I have this list, so I
never make the mistake of thinking

68
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,765
that I can still
pull an all-nighter.

69
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:46,018
Oh. I'm too old for that stuff.

70
00:03:46,602 --> 00:03:49,146
Or eat an entire
pizza in one sitting.

71
00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,941
I'm too old for that stuff.

72
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:54,902
Or hang posters on
your wall without frames.

73
00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:57,822
Riggs. Riggs!

74
00:03:58,197 --> 00:04:00,449
I'm too old for that stuff.

75
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:02,952
By the way, how good
is lethal weapon?

76
00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,703
I don't know. It's
kind of a rip-off.

77
00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:07,289
Old guy paired up with
a young, renegade cop.

78
00:04:07,373 --> 00:04:09,166
Sound familiar?

79
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,752
Mack/eroy and lefleur.

80
00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:15,923
Don't tell me you guys have
never seen mack/eroy and lefleur.

81
00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,260
It's the greatest Canadian
action movie of all time.

82
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:23,389
Mackleroy is a young, renegade
mountie whose horse was just killed

83
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:24,765
by evil Americans... wait.

84
00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:27,726
While lefleur, his grouchy,
old, African-Canadian partner,

85
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,037
just bought a cozy
ice-fishing shack...

86
00:04:29,061 --> 00:04:31,063
Wait... in northern alberta.

87
00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:32,940
Now... stop it!

88
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,234
I got to go.

89
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,236
Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.

90
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,281
Practice? Is he doing that
one-man band thing again?

91
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,533
'Cause that was a bummer.

92
00:04:42,867 --> 00:04:45,619
Older Ted: Actually, Marshall
had just taken over as coach

93
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:47,663
for Lily's kindergarten
basketball team.

94
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:50,666
He thought it'd be fun, but
Lily saw it as something more.

95
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,001
Dad practice.

96
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:55,045
Hey! Oh, my gosh!

97
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:57,089
Orange slices. That is so sweet.

98
00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:58,549
What are you doing here?

99
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:01,510
I couldn't resist. I wanted to see
coach marshmallow do his thing.

100
00:05:01,594 --> 00:05:04,305
Om okay.

101
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,891
Hey, kids, who wants
to knock off early

102
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,477
and have some of
these here orange slices?

103
00:05:11,228 --> 00:05:15,024
Yeah? Well, you can't!
Because oranges are for winners,

104
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:18,486
and you little turds haven't
even made a single shot yet!

105
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,154
You're embarrassing yourselves,

106
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,739
you're embarrassing miss aldrin,

107
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:25,117
and worst of all,
you're embarrassing me!

108
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,995
That's it!
Suicides! Baseline! Now!

109
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,456
Run.

110
00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:37,379
Ted, there is not a single thing
on here that you are too old to do.

111
00:05:37,463 --> 00:05:40,049
In fact, if you did everything
on the Murtaugh list,

112
00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:41,717
I'd call that a
pretty fun weekend.

113
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,636
Barney, you are not 18 anymore.

114
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:46,555
If you did everything on
that list, you would die.

115
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,684
That wasn't a challenge.
Challenge accepted.

116
00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:55,356
In the next 24 hours, I'm going
to do every single thing on this list.

117
00:05:55,481 --> 00:06:00,236
And after I do, you will tp
the laser tag place with me.

118
00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,529
And if you can't do it?

119
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:05,866
I will spend three hours listening
to you talk about architecture.

120
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,576
You have got yourself a deal.

121
00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,495
Robin, will you do the honors?

122
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,747
A gentlemen's agreement!

123
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:12,831
Huzzah! Huzzah!

124
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,792
All right, chumps,
let's do this.

125
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:19,088
Barney Stinson!

126
00:06:19,171 --> 00:06:21,840
You really want to make this
bet with him? You know how he is.

127
00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:24,635
Robin, there is some
pretty tough stuff on that list.

128
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:28,389
Do you really think
Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

129
00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,599
"Get ear pierced." Check.

130
00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:34,144
All right, I'm off to go
do laundry at mom's house.

131
00:06:39,608 --> 00:06:41,652
Hey, you guys mind if I
crash on your futon tonight?

132
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:42,945
We don't have a futon.

133
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,488
Put it over there, boys.

134
00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:47,116
What's going on?
It's on the Murtaugh list.

135
00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:50,327
"Crash on a friend's futon
instead of getting a hotel room."

136
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,663
I am too old for that stuff.

137
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,915
Dude, what's going
on with your ear?

138
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:57,501
It looks like the inside of a
Jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

139
00:06:58,294 --> 00:07:01,088
What, this?
Just a little infectsh.

140
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:03,173
Nothing a young guy
like me can't shake off.

141
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,634
Plus, "put off going to
the doctor," on the list.

142
00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:08,429
Oh. Hold on.

143
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,806
Go for...

144
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,353
Keep running!

145
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:19,607
You know what's funny is I was
supposed to come here to teach them...

146
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:22,318
Do not stop running!

147
00:07:22,401 --> 00:07:27,531
This whole time, they've been
the ones who are teaching me. Hey!

148
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,910
That's not running!
That's falling!

149
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:37,499
Older Ted: The next morning, Barney
woke up on the futon in our living room.

150
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,340
Check.

151
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:49,053
"Drinking shots with
strangers." Check.

152
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,639
You okay, Barney? It
looks like you hurt your back.

153
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:52,973
Oh, no.

154
00:07:53,057 --> 00:07:59,730
Just rocking a party hunch. I like
it. Closer to my booze. To youth.

155
00:08:08,864 --> 00:08:10,282
Can I get a straw?

156
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,618
I must say, there is
something admirable

157
00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:14,828
about the way Barney
wants to stay young at heart.

158
00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:16,497
I mean, who wants to get old?

159
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,040
This guy.

160
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:23,545
Robin, life is a meal
and old age is the dessert.

161
00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:25,565
I spend so much of my time
worrying about the future.

162
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:28,258
You know, "where's my career
going? Who am I gonna marry?"

163
00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:30,302
But when you're
old, you don't worry,

164
00:08:30,386 --> 00:08:32,930
'cause all that stuff's
already happened.

165
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,157
Plus, you get to
wear comfy shoes,

166
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:36,451
and a chair takes you up and
down the stairs. It's perfect.

167
00:08:36,475 --> 00:08:38,936
That's not perfect.
That's pathetic.

168
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:42,272
You can't justjump to the end.
The journey is the best part.

169
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,109
Oh, romn, I used
to feel that way, too,

170
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,487
but you'll understand when
you're a little bit older.

171
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,449
Marshall, can you try not
to pick on the kids today?

172
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,284
I'm not picking
on the kids, Lily.

173
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:57,079
I'm picking on the culture
of losing around here.

174
00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,915
I got to get them in shape if they're
gonna win that game tomorrow.

175
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:03,460
Win? We don't keep score.

176
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:07,548
What? We don't keep score.

177
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:09,425
You don't keep...

178
00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:12,052
What's the point of
playing if you don't

179
00:09:12,136 --> 00:09:14,054
keep score? How do you know...

180
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,141
Lily, what were you doing
with this team before I got here?

181
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,267
I was coaching them.

182
00:09:18,350 --> 00:09:19,643
Boy: Whee!

183
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:21,812
That's it, my little angels.

184
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,898
You're all luminous,
wonderful beings of light.

185
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,358
What's the score?

186
00:09:26,442 --> 00:09:28,736
It's all tied up at fun to fun!

187
00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:33,407
Because that's the point
of playing, to have fun.

188
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,577
No. The point of playing
is to win the trophy.

189
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,705
And if you don't know who's
winning, who gets the trophy?

190
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:43,125
Everyone.
It's a participation trophy.

191
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,710
Everyone gets one.

192
00:09:45,586 --> 00:09:48,797
It's like you're speaking
Chinese to me right now.

193
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,967
Hi, this is Barney. And Robin.

194
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,403
We can't answer the
phone right now because...

195
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:54,529
He's watching sports and I'm...

196
00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:55,596
Probably out shopping.

197
00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:57,765
Uh-oh!

198
00:09:57,848 --> 00:09:59,659
Leave a message and we'll
call you back just as soon...

199
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:00,768
As...

200
00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:02,144
Can! Can!

201
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,772
"Leave an annoying
two-person message

202
00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:07,024
"on your answering machine."
Check.

203
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:10,861
Probably gonna cost me
some dates, but it's okay.

204
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,905
Barney, youreafls
starting to smell.

205
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:14,740
No, it's good.

206
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:20,204
I hate to send it back, but you did
describe the Turkey as extremely lean,

207
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:22,372
and, well, you tell me.

208
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,459
All right. That's it.

209
00:10:25,542 --> 00:10:27,294
We have our own list. What?

210
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,713
This is a list of things
you're too young to do.

211
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,232
Go out and do each
one of these things

212
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,550
and then tell me you still
want to be an old man.

213
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:34,760
Hmm.

214
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,346
Remove "colonoscopy" and
"have sex with an old lady,"

215
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,223
and this is a cakewalk.

216
00:10:40,933 --> 00:10:44,812
New stakes, then. If I can finish
your list before you finish mine,

217
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,772
you have to come
with me to tp laser tag,

218
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:49,233
and you have to
buy the toilet paper.

219
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:52,528
And none of that biodegradable
crap. I want it up there forever.

220
00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,947
Fine, but if I
finish your list first,

221
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:58,534
it's a six-hour survey of early
20th-century American architecture,

222
00:10:58,617 --> 00:11:01,245
and you can never do anything
on the Murtaugh list ever again.

223
00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,704
It's for your own good.

224
00:11:02,788 --> 00:11:05,082
You, sir,
have got yourself a deal.

225
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,500
A gentlemen's agreement!

226
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:07,626
Huzzah! Huzzah!

227
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,506
Marshall, they're
in kindergarten.

228
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:15,008
This isn't how
you teach basketball.

229
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,760
Sure it is.
It's the way I learned.

230
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:21,765
Are you kidding me? What kind
of sociopath taught you this way?

231
00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,311
Come on, dad. I'm tired.

232
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,729
Sleep is for winners.

233
00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,857
You can go to bed
when you score a basket.

234
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,191
I'm trying.

235
00:11:31,275 --> 00:11:33,193
Let's give you two
points for trying.

236
00:11:33,277 --> 00:11:36,405
But negative two points
for having a great big head.

237
00:11:37,990 --> 00:11:43,120
My father gave me no quarter,
and I asked for no quarter.

238
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:47,040
I totally gotta call that guy.

239
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,918
Keep stretching!

240
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:56,133
"Put on reading glasses." Check.

241
00:11:56,592 --> 00:12:00,888
"Yell at neighborhood kids."
My pleasure.

242
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,724
Hey. Hey.

243
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,392
What the hell happened to you?

244
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:10,063
Oh, I just had a very minor blew-out-my-knee-and-
it-hurts-like-hell incident.

245
00:12:10,147 --> 00:12:11,207
How'd you blow outyourknee?

246
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,109
We "helped someone move
out of a sixth-floor walk-up

247
00:12:14,192 --> 00:12:15,861
"in exchange for pizza
and beer."

248
00:12:15,986 --> 00:12:18,363
Or we helped someone
Rob a sixth-floor walk-up.

249
00:12:18,447 --> 00:12:22,075
They were in a big hurry
and left all the pictures behind.

250
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:23,619
Whatevs. It counts.

251
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:27,706
Now I am off to
"dye my hair a funny color,"

252
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,416
and then we are
going to "go to a rave."

253
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,376
Mmm-hmm.

254
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,795
Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.

255
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,049
Okay. So, your dad
was tough on you.

256
00:12:37,132 --> 00:12:39,760
That stinks, but you
don't have to be like him.

257
00:12:39,843 --> 00:12:41,887
You can learn from his mistakes.

258
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:46,099
Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard.
The guy nailed it, okay?

259
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:47,476
He taught me how to be a winner.

260
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:50,687
That's what I'm teaching
these kids. And, for that matter,

261
00:12:50,771 --> 00:12:52,606
that's what I'm gonna
teach our kids someday.

262
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:56,443
Okay, that's it. This is not
how we're gonna raise our kids!

263
00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:59,321
And this is not how you're
gonna coach this team!

264
00:12:59,404 --> 00:13:02,240
At tomorrow's game,
if you are anything less

265
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:05,744
than a Teddy bear stuffed
with cotton candy and rainbows,

266
00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:09,081
I will silent-treatment
your ass into the ground!

267
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,124
You'll think the time
I found your Internet

268
00:13:11,208 --> 00:13:13,585
search history was
a freaking picnic!

269
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,629
Are we clear?

270
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:18,232
Lily, there are
many different...

271
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:19,716
Are we clear?

272
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,134
Yes, ma'am.

273
00:13:24,930 --> 00:13:26,473
You know, what's
ironic is that now...

274
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:28,141
Lily, no!

275
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:37,275
Just call Ted.
I want to go home.

276
00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:40,529
All right. I'm calling him.
But it's 4:30 in the morning.

277
00:13:40,612 --> 00:13:41,905
He's not going to be awake.

278
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,324
"Up at 4:00." Check.

279
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:47,744
Is he answering?
I haven't dialed yet.

280
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,913
Oh, please hurry, Robin.

281
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:55,711
Ooh, perfect. "Take
forever to answer the phone."

282
00:13:59,548 --> 00:14:03,468
Come on, Ted. Someone gave me some
aspirin and I don't think it was aspirin.

283
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:11,727
Check.

284
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:17,357
So, I know that I have been a little
tough on you for the past couple days.

285
00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:20,444
And I apologize for that.

286
00:14:21,611 --> 00:14:24,781
So today, we're not
gonna worry about winning.

287
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:28,368
We're gonna go out
there and have fun.

288
00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,204
Older Ted: Kids, over the years,

289
00:14:31,288 --> 00:14:32,682
your uncle Marshall
has told and retold

290
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,958
the story of this game
hundreds of times.

291
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:38,503
And in reality, the kids on that other
team were probably only a grade older.

292
00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:42,716
But in telling and retelling the
story, they came to look like this.

293
00:14:53,643 --> 00:14:56,813
Yay! Way to let
them score that easily.

294
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:59,608
Now you're sitting down.
Awesome.

295
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:08,158
Addison, it's not soccer.
You don't kick the ball!

296
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:11,870
Unless that's something
that you think is fun,

297
00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:15,040
in which case,
great job having fun.

298
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,712
Whoa, that was a
foul, wasn't it, ref?

299
00:15:20,796 --> 00:15:22,089
My name's not ref. It's Kenny.

300
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,632
And watch your tone.

301
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:26,218
No tone, Kenny.
Great job, Kenny.

302
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,887
Thanks a lot, Kenny.
See you later, Kenny.

303
00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:32,933
All right, Barney. As your
manager, I'm throwing in the towel.

304
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,267
This bet is over.

305
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:38,063
Your ear looks like a free
Danish at a continental breakfast.

306
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,483
No. No. One thing left.

307
00:15:41,566 --> 00:15:42,609
"Beer bong."

308
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:45,362
Oh! Coming right up.

309
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:51,368
I found these weird Russian
beers in the basement.

310
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,370
Russian beers?
I'll take a brewski.

311
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:56,832
Hey. Brewski. Get it?

312
00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,293
Yeah, it's a little warm.

313
00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:02,003
Hope that's not a problem.

314
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,342
Don't. Okay.
Don't, don't, don't.

315
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:11,638
All right, Ted.
You win. I hate this.

316
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:15,475
I hate all of it.
My back is killing me.

317
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,894
Everyone at the rave
thought I was a narc.

318
00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:21,481
My ear hurts so
bad I can hear it.

319
00:16:21,565 --> 00:16:24,568
I can hear my own
ear. Think about that.

320
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,570
My clothes...

321
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:27,713
What is it... what
is it... what am I...

322
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,406
Get this stuff off of me!

323
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,200
Ted, I'll pay you double
for your finest suit.

324
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,828
Here's 30 bucks.

325
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,414
And throw in the shoes.

326
00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,499
You win, Ted.

327
00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:44,963
I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh
list again. I'm too old for this stuff.

328
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:48,175
You know, Barney, last
night, I went to bed at 8:00

329
00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,093
because it was on the list,

330
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,888
and I couldn't sleep
because, well, it was 8:00.

331
00:16:53,430 --> 00:16:55,098
So I decided to
watch lethal weapon.

332
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:02,314
And then, when I still couldn't
sleep, I watched lethal weapon 2.

333
00:17:02,814 --> 00:17:04,608
And then I watched 3.

334
00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:08,195
And then, halfway
through lethal weapon 4

335
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,613
is when it occurred to me.

336
00:17:09,988 --> 00:17:13,366
Murtaugh kept saying,
"I'm too old for this stuff,"

337
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:17,370
but every time he'd say it, he'd
turn around, make another movie

338
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,122
and do more stuff.

339
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,250
I guess what I'm saying is,

340
00:17:23,627 --> 00:17:25,128
screw being old.

341
00:17:26,463 --> 00:17:28,131
Let's go tp laser tag, huh?

342
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,883
Yeah.

343
00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,093
And then the hospital.

344
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,806
Great job, guys.

345
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:39,559
At least we're not keeping score,
right? No idea what the score is.

346
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:42,395
Could be 53 to zero.
Could be some other score.

347
00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:44,314
It's 53 to zero.

348
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,608
What are we doing wrong, coach?

349
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:49,324
You know what? You're
not doing anything wrong.

350
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:51,404
It's great that
you guys are losing,

351
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,492
becauseinlfie, it doesn't matter
how much effort you put in,

352
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:59,246
or how hard you try, people
will just give you things

353
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:02,582
like diplomas and
jobs and promotions.

354
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:07,128
So, it doesn't matter what you do
out there, as long as you have fun.

355
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,483
Older Ted: At that point, because they
didn't want to fight in front of the kids,

356
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:11,841
your uncle Marshall
and aunt Lily

357
00:18:11,925 --> 00:18:14,427
had one of their
telepathic conversations.

358
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:15,887
Lily: Don't you
give me that look.

359
00:18:15,971 --> 00:18:17,931
Marshall: Lily, I
can't take it anymore!

360
00:18:18,014 --> 00:18:19,391
Your way of coaching is crazy!

361
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,059
Lil y: Stop yelling at me!

362
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,811
Marshall: Sorry.

363
00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:26,022
But can lplease do it my way?

364
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:31,361
Lily: Fine, but I'm going to do it
my way, too. I'm getting my guitar.

365
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,424
Older Ted: I don't know if it
was Marshall's tough attitude,

366
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:36,700
Lily's gentle encouragement

367
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:39,202
or some magical
combination of the two,

368
00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,686
but in the second
half of that game,

369
00:18:40,745 --> 00:18:43,206
that ragtag group of
little firecrackers

370
00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:46,626
got beat down even worse.

371
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,298
In fact, according to
your uncle Marshall,

372
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:54,092
in the second half, the
other team got even taller.

373
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,803
And one of them
turned into a teen wolf.

374
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:59,806
Kenny! There is a
teen wolf on the court!

375
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,808
That can't be legal.

376
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:04,102
I know the teen wolf
looks different, kids,

377
00:19:04,185 --> 00:19:06,896
but try to make sure
he feels included.

378
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,115
Oh, yeah!

379
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,002
How is that not
traveling, Kenny?

380
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:31,671
You're killing me! You
are absolutely killing me!

381
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:34,174
Hey, watch it, coach,
or you'll get a technical.

382
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:38,511
Oh, Kenny, I'm begging
you to give me a technical.

383
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:41,644
Older Ted: When the
final horn mercifully blew,

384
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:45,602
the score was, by Marshall's
estimate, 118 to nothing.

385
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,854
And even though they
didn't win anything,

386
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:51,483
everyone, even the coach,
got a participation trophy.

387
00:19:51,566 --> 00:19:53,860
I understand if
you don't want it.

388
00:19:55,278 --> 00:19:56,905
I love it.

389
00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,325
I just... I worked
so hard. It feels good

390
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:02,118
to be appreciated for my effort.

391
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,953
I know, baby.

392
00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:10,794
Maybe your way is
not totally stupid.

393
00:20:11,086 --> 00:20:12,462
Thanks.

394
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:15,131
Your way is totally stupid.

395
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,307
Mccracken: Stinson!

396
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,353
Son,

397
00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:33,149
you have been a pain in my ass
ever since you joined this club.

398
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:39,989
But damn it, if this ain't some of
the finest tp work I've ever seen.

399
00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:44,327
You're reinstated,
effective immediately.

400
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:45,662
Really?

401
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:52,669
Hell, no!
I'm calling the police!

402
00:20:52,961 --> 00:20:55,755
Grown-ass man with pink
hair throwing toilet paper.

403
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,650
You've got to be kidding
me, I'm too old for this...

404
00:20:57,674 --> 00:21:00,510
Older Ted: Stuff,
he said, "stuff."