1 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,882 Older Ted: In march of 2009, I'd been dating my high school girlfriend Karen 2 00:00:05,965 --> 00:00:07,008 for a few weeks. 3 00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,885 My friends could not have been less excited. 4 00:00:08,968 --> 00:00:10,344 Hey, everybody. 5 00:00:10,428 --> 00:00:11,596 All: Hello. 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,181 Sorry, we can't stay long. 7 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:15,808 What a shame! That is sad! 8 00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:17,518 Hey, are those real diamond earrings? 9 00:00:17,602 --> 00:00:20,730 Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you. 10 00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,982 I didn't say I liked them. 11 00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:25,484 Oh, well, I got a great deal on them, so... 12 00:00:25,568 --> 00:00:28,487 Cool. I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone 13 00:00:28,571 --> 00:00:31,365 would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers, 14 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:33,409 but really pretty. 15 00:00:33,492 --> 00:00:35,203 Meet me upstairs. 16 00:00:35,286 --> 00:00:37,705 They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking. 17 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,875 Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche. 18 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,585 Wow. Thanks for sugarcoating it. 19 00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:44,337 "Douche" is sugarcoating it. 20 00:00:44,629 --> 00:00:48,549 Okay, believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date. 21 00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:50,551 It's my life. I call the shots. 22 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,012 Ted, now! Yeah, coming! 23 00:00:53,846 --> 00:00:57,808 I don't know what Ted sees in that horrible woman. 24 00:00:58,017 --> 00:01:00,394 I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but... 25 00:01:00,478 --> 00:01:01,979 I guess I get it. 26 00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:04,106 I think it's 'cause they met in high school. 27 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,108 She was his first real girlfriend. 28 00:01:06,192 --> 00:01:08,069 We look at Karen and see a jerk. 29 00:01:08,152 --> 00:01:10,547 Ted looks at Karen and sees the first person to touch his wiener 30 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,449 besides himself, his mom and his pediatrician. 31 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:16,118 Okay, well, it's almost 2:00 am. I better get ready for work. 32 00:01:16,202 --> 00:01:19,455 How can they call that thing you're on a morning show? 33 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:23,501 4:00 am. Is still the middle of the night. I don't see how you do it. 34 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,254 It's been almost a month. I'm used to it. 35 00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:28,089 Plus the show's not half bad, right? 36 00:01:28,172 --> 00:01:29,882 Totally. We've never seen it. 37 00:01:31,133 --> 00:01:32,510 Have you guys ever watched it? 38 00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:34,262 Of course! They've never seen it. 39 00:01:34,345 --> 00:01:36,097 Really? What is your favorite segment? 40 00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:37,265 Vveather neverseenit 41 00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,628 you guys have never seen my show? 42 00:01:38,683 --> 00:01:40,059 Sorry. It's true. 43 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,769 That's what I've been saying. 44 00:01:41,852 --> 00:01:45,314 Okay, yes, it's dull and generic and we get spanked in the ratings 45 00:01:45,398 --> 00:01:49,151 by that Korean channel that only shows Kim jong il riding a horse, 46 00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:52,530 but, guys, it would mean so much to me ifjust once 47 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:55,491 I knew my friends were out there watching. 48 00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:57,743 I'll tell you what, 49 00:01:57,827 --> 00:02:00,955 this Friday morning, everyone can come to our place, 3:30 am. 50 00:02:01,038 --> 00:02:03,958 We'll all put on pjs. We'll watch Robin's show. 51 00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,168 Aw, you guys are the best. 52 00:02:06,252 --> 00:02:07,586 We just want to support you. 53 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:10,715 I just want to go to sleep. 54 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,010 I hate Robin for not being more successful. 55 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,095 Hey, guys. 56 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:21,058 Sad announcement. Karen broke up with me. 57 00:02:23,728 --> 00:02:24,770 Go ahead. 58 00:02:24,854 --> 00:02:26,605 I knew you were listening! Yes! 59 00:02:42,621 --> 00:02:45,666 Hey, hey, we shouldn't be celebrating. 60 00:02:45,750 --> 00:02:48,544 Ted's just been through a bad breakup. 61 00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:51,255 Look, buddy, tell us everything. Tell us what happened. 62 00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:53,341 Seriously, spare no details. 63 00:02:53,424 --> 00:02:57,428 What did she say? What did you say? How did it feel? 64 00:02:57,762 --> 00:03:01,974 If you were to do it again, all over, would you maybe... 65 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:04,977 How did it happen? 66 00:03:05,061 --> 00:03:06,479 It was the stupidest thing. 67 00:03:06,562 --> 00:03:10,191 I mean, we were just hanging out, you know, being funny. 68 00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:13,319 You're the fan of 2002 chiantis. 69 00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:17,031 Ew! No, you're the fan of 2002 chiantis. 70 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,492 Wait. What is this? 71 00:03:20,618 --> 00:03:22,161 Looks like one of Robin's earrings. 72 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,579 Huh! That's weird. 73 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:26,123 You're the fan... How did it get in your bed? 74 00:03:26,207 --> 00:03:27,666 I don't know. 75 00:03:27,750 --> 00:03:29,377 Have you been sleeping with Robin? 76 00:03:29,460 --> 00:03:30,878 What? No, of course not! 77 00:03:30,961 --> 00:03:33,547 It probably got mixed in with the laundry or something. 78 00:03:33,631 --> 00:03:34,965 Why should I believe you? 79 00:03:35,049 --> 00:03:37,968 Um, maybe because I've always been faithful to you, 80 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:40,721 while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch. 81 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:42,890 Cold-blooded! Snap! 82 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:44,475 Right? Right? 83 00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:46,644 Yeah, I totally should have said that. 84 00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:48,604 Why should I believe you? 85 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:54,235 Um, maybe because I've always been faithful to you, while you... 86 00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:56,987 I love you. 87 00:03:57,655 --> 00:03:59,323 I knew this was a mistake. 88 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,992 That's it. It's over. 89 00:04:03,369 --> 00:04:05,996 And that was it. She left. 90 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,040 What a story. 91 00:04:08,124 --> 00:04:10,042 So brave of you to share that. 92 00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:12,878 Wait. Those are your pajamas? 93 00:04:12,962 --> 00:04:14,880 You sleep in a pajama suit? 94 00:04:14,964 --> 00:04:17,383 Of course. What do you think I sleep in? 95 00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:18,801 A coffin. 96 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,887 Dude, that doesn't look comfortable at all. 97 00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:23,431 You're wearing a tie. 98 00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:25,766 First of all, it's a sleeping cravat. 99 00:04:26,350 --> 00:04:28,602 Second, it's not about comfort. 100 00:04:28,686 --> 00:04:31,063 It's about looking good all the time. 101 00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:33,232 Why do you have to look good all the time? 102 00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:35,377 Marshall, let me tell you a little story about something 103 00:04:35,401 --> 00:04:36,902 that happened a couple of months back. 104 00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:48,622 Hi. We were just having a "who's hornier?" Contest 105 00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:51,584 and we spilled massage oil all over ourselves. 106 00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:54,211 Nice pajamas. Can we use your shower? 107 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:59,800 That's not a memory. That's from a porn movie. 108 00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:03,387 Not just any movie. That's the exact scene from... 109 00:05:03,888 --> 00:05:05,264 Never mind. 110 00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:07,808 The point is it could happen. 111 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,643 And if it did, and I didn't look 112 00:05:09,727 --> 00:05:11,770 my absolute best for those greasy sluts, 113 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,314 I'd regret it forever. 114 00:05:14,607 --> 00:05:17,401 I'm sorry, dude, but that is just the most ridiculous sleeping attire 115 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:20,321 I've ever seen in my life. Anyway... 116 00:05:21,197 --> 00:05:23,157 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 117 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:24,658 Marshall's wearing a nightgown! 118 00:05:24,742 --> 00:05:26,219 Hey, guys, you know how in the future we're always saying, 119 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,721 "remember when Marshall wore a nightgown?" 120 00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:29,121 This is that time! 121 00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:30,331 It's a nightshirt. 122 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:33,417 You can call it a ninja star danger jock if you want, 123 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:35,228 doesn't make you any less of a cross-dresser. 124 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:36,545 Whatever, dude. It's comfy. 125 00:05:36,629 --> 00:05:37,671 Mmm-hmm. Barney: Uh-huh? 126 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,382 So, flying to neverland with Peter and tink, was that amazing? 127 00:05:40,466 --> 00:05:41,884 Ooh! Let me go next! 128 00:05:41,967 --> 00:05:44,178 Was it nice to finally get out of that crowded bed 129 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:46,263 and take Charlie to the chocolate factory? 130 00:05:46,347 --> 00:05:50,684 Ooh! Me, me, me, me! Something about scrooge! 131 00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:53,562 Come on, guys. I'm carrying the team. 132 00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:54,855 I don't know. 133 00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:56,482 I lived with Marshall for 12 years. 134 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:59,443 Any time he's wearing clothes at all, it's a victory. 135 00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:03,531 Lily: Ted, show's about to start! 136 00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:04,990 Be right there! 137 00:06:18,963 --> 00:06:21,048 Good morning, New York. I'm... 138 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:22,967 Whoa! Hey! 139 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,470 Marshall, I just found Robin's earring on your dresser. 140 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,907 Did you have something to do with the other one being in my bed? 141 00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,825 What are you talking about? You've always hated Karen. 142 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:33,060 You've been telling me to break up with her. 143 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:36,522 You did it. You put the earring in my bed so that Karen would find it. 144 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:37,856 No, Ted! No! I would never... 145 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,567 Admit it! There's nothing to admit! 146 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:41,527 Then why was Robin's earring on your dresser? 147 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,195 He was accessorizing! 148 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,198 Marshall, I swear to god, if you don't tell me the truth right now... 149 00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:49,285 Wait! Marshall didn't do it. 150 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:51,829 I did. 151 00:06:52,246 --> 00:06:54,623 I broke you and Karen up. 152 00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:01,922 You broke me and Karen up? 153 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:03,632 Are you insane? 154 00:07:03,716 --> 00:07:05,068 What gives you the right to do that? 155 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,261 Ted, I did it for your own good. 156 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,431 You just weren't seeing how awful she was. 157 00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:12,725 She failed the front porch test. 158 00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,893 What's the front porch test? 159 00:07:14,977 --> 00:07:18,897 Ted, you, me and Marshall have been best friends since college. 160 00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:21,942 Think about how much we all mean to each other. 161 00:07:22,026 --> 00:07:25,154 So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. 162 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,239 How we'll all be retired, 163 00:07:27,323 --> 00:07:29,950 sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house, 164 00:07:30,034 --> 00:07:31,660 playing bridge all day. 165 00:07:31,744 --> 00:07:34,330 Okay, Bridges are wild. 166 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:36,999 Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge. 167 00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:40,711 I see your bridge, and I raise you three Bridges. 168 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,921 Bridge! Iwin! 169 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,424 You have no idea how to play bridge, do you? 170 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:46,592 We're gonna take a class. 171 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:48,385 It's important to stay acfive. 172 00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,889 So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, 173 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,058 I do the front porch test. 174 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:58,145 You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? 175 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,230 And when I think about Karen there... 176 00:08:00,731 --> 00:08:02,900 Bridge! Iwin! 177 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,361 Fantastic. Another game of bridge. 178 00:08:05,444 --> 00:08:07,404 Don't read a book or anything. 179 00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,532 Look, dear, dolphins. 180 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:12,117 Karen: They seem happy. 181 00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:14,745 Iguessthe chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront property 182 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,331 hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. 183 00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:19,917 It will. That water will kill you. 184 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,461 It is a toxic deathtrap. 185 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:23,879 I'm gonna take a dip. 186 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,381 I'll join you. 187 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,716 Karen failed the front porch test. 188 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:29,009 She had to go. 189 00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:31,345 I can't believe you did that. 190 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,723 Ted, think about how awesome you, me and Marshall are. 191 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:37,267 Seriously, think about it. 192 00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:43,440 We're pretty awesome. We're totally awesome! 193 00:08:43,607 --> 00:08:47,903 So whoever you marry, whoever joins team awesome, 194 00:08:48,112 --> 00:08:50,531 the bar is set pretty damn high. 195 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,826 Look, I'm not saying what I did was right, but... 196 00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:55,119 You're better off without her. 197 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,871 And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true. 198 00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,499 Okay, you know what? Fine, make your little jokes. 199 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:02,185 Seriously, why would you wear something like that? 200 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:03,460 Lots of reasons. 201 00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:04,962 I bet you can't name five. 202 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,005 One, no need to wear anything underneath. 203 00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:09,383 I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs, buddy? 204 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,093 Two, sexy. 205 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:12,302 I can vouch for that. 206 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,304 Will you uncross your legs, buddy? 207 00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:18,767 Three, my grandpa olaf wore one, and he lived to be 107. 208 00:09:18,851 --> 00:09:22,563 Four, no elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks 209 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:23,814 around my Thanksgiving belly. 210 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:29,278 And five, every night when I go to sleep, it's the freest, 211 00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:34,867 most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel like I'm flying. 212 00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:42,374 So that's how I go to bed every night, 213 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:45,753 happy, weightless, with a heart full of joy. 214 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:47,171 What about you? 215 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:52,176 Ihaveto lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. 216 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,846 But at least I'm not wearing a dress. 217 00:09:56,847 --> 00:09:59,641 So, how mad are you? 218 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,435 I don't know. I mean, 219 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,646 I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, 220 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,190 then maybe it was for the best. 221 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,900 I really am sorry. 222 00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:11,528 I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go. 223 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:16,825 Again? Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend? 224 00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:18,410 Never! Six. 225 00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:21,246 Like who? No one! Angie. 226 00:10:22,498 --> 00:10:24,374 Sophomore year. 227 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:29,296 She was just using you to get back at her ex, and you clearly didn't see it, 228 00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:32,674 so one day when she was taking a nap... 229 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,149 Creed? 230 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:53,070 Oh, my god, I have to break up with her. 231 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:56,406 So that's where my creed cd went. 232 00:10:56,907 --> 00:10:58,200 Who else? 233 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,452 Remember that weird Sci-Fi girl 234 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,539 who wanted you to propose after, like, two months? 235 00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:07,084 You barely even liked her, but you were still thinking about it, so... 236 00:11:10,045 --> 00:11:14,383 Listen, Ted, you're great, and this is so difficult, 237 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,427 but I think we 're looking for different things. 238 00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:21,598 So, live long and prosper. Whatever. 239 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,857 That was you? This is insane! 240 00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:34,152 Ted, I did those things to help you. You're a commitment junkie. 241 00:11:34,236 --> 00:11:35,863 You fall in love with these women 242 00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:37,573 evenifthey don't deserve you. 243 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,301 What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children? 244 00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,578 If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, 245 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,121 I swear I didn't do anything. 246 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,540 Like with Victoria or Stella. 247 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:47,958 Or Robin. 248 00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:51,169 Or Robin. 249 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,005 Robin, Robin... 250 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,716 Did you break us up, too? 251 00:11:56,133 --> 00:11:58,135 Did you break us up, too? 252 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,888 Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! 253 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,431 You weep for these women, 254 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:05,934 but you have the luxury of not knowing what I know, 255 00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:07,936 that those breakups, while tragic, 256 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:12,065 probably saved you from a crappy and very expensive first marriage. 257 00:12:12,149 --> 00:12:13,984 Did you break me and Robin up? 258 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,361 You don't want the truth because deep down, 259 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:18,614 you want me out there watching out for you. 260 00:12:18,697 --> 00:12:21,408 And deep down, you know that none of those women 261 00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,785 were ever gonna be the mother of your children. 262 00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,054 Did you break me and Robin up? 263 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,163 I did what I had to do. 264 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,748 Did you break me and Robin up? 265 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,583 You're damn right I did! 266 00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:37,633 Marshall, your grandpa olaf was a wise man. 267 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:44,598 You broke me and Robin up? 268 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:46,475 No, it's not... I cannot believe this. 269 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,477 I need another drink. 270 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:49,871 You know, I feel a little breeze down there. 271 00:12:49,895 --> 00:12:50,938 It's nice. 272 00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:54,316 You think that's something? Stand over this heating vent. 273 00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:57,361 It's like yourjunk is on a tropical island. 274 00:12:58,695 --> 00:12:59,947 Little Barney says, "mahalo." 275 00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:01,156 Mmm-hmm. 276 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,742 Seriously, what is wrong with you, Lily? 277 00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,952 How could you do that? 278 00:13:05,035 --> 00:13:07,037 I did this because I care about you! 279 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,540 I am so glad that is the one you watched! 280 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,960 Dear god, what happened to you? 281 00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:16,630 You didn't watch my show? 282 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:20,217 Oh! The show. Sorry. Something special happen? 283 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,930 Same old same-old. 284 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:27,599 Lilyjust told us that she broke you and me up. 285 00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:30,811 What? Broke us up? What does that even mean? 286 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:32,646 And why are these guys wearing nightgowns? 287 00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:33,729 Nightshirt. Nightshirt. 288 00:13:33,772 --> 00:13:35,249 It's a nightshirt. It's called a nightshirt, Robin. 289 00:13:35,273 --> 00:13:37,818 Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to sabotage 290 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,736 many of my relationships, including ours. 291 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,530 No. Robin was different. 292 00:13:41,613 --> 00:13:43,365 I didn't want you two to break up, 293 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,451 but you wanted completely different things out of life 294 00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:48,495 and refused to deal with it. 295 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:50,914 I could just picture that front porch. 296 00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:53,041 Hmm. Two of hearts. 297 00:13:53,125 --> 00:13:55,544 Just like the hearts of the two children lneverhad 298 00:13:55,627 --> 00:13:58,088 because my lovely wife hates kids. 299 00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,924 Mmm, a deuce. 300 00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:05,887 Exactly what my career dropped once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. 301 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,057 Bridge! Iwin. 302 00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:13,186 Well, I do not like that scenario one bit. 303 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:16,857 All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. 304 00:14:17,441 --> 00:14:19,359 I didn't know I was feeding you the words 305 00:14:19,443 --> 00:14:21,236 that would lead to your breakup. 306 00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:24,656 Hey, here's a fun question, just for fun. 307 00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,451 Where do you see yourself in five years? 308 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:30,871 You know what's fun? Fun questions. 309 00:14:30,954 --> 00:14:33,665 Where do you see yourself in five years? 310 00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:35,751 Where do you see yourself in five years? 311 00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,377 Where do you see yourself? 312 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,212 Not to put words in your mouth, 313 00:14:39,296 --> 00:14:41,339 but you probably want to be married. 314 00:14:41,882 --> 00:14:43,633 I probably want to be married. 315 00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,803 You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris. 316 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:50,390 I probably want to be in Argentina. 317 00:14:50,474 --> 00:14:51,725 Argentina? 318 00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,310 Or Tokyo or Paris. 319 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:56,480 We have an expiration date, don't we? 320 00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,732 Oh, my god. Lily, 321 00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,568 you can't manipulate people like that! 322 00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,531 I've known you 12 years, and I can honestly say, 323 00:15:03,612 --> 00:15:05,447 I have never been more furious at you! 324 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,966 Look, I didn't mean to... I was just... 325 00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,217 No! I don't even want to hear it! 326 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,409 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 327 00:15:09,493 --> 00:15:11,411 Settle down! Let's just settle down! 328 00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,455 Now, I have one question. 329 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,415 What do these bad boys feel like in bed? 330 00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:17,584 Come on. Let's go see. 331 00:15:17,918 --> 00:15:21,505 So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dafing? 332 00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:24,341 Or you would have stayed together far too long, 333 00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,802 had an incredibly bitter breakup 334 00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,887 and not even remained friends, 335 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,431 and then you and I would never have become best friends. 336 00:15:31,515 --> 00:15:34,017 Don't even say that. Okay? 337 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,353 Stop hugging! 338 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:40,565 Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. 339 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:41,817 You got lucky. Okay? 340 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:45,070 You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. 341 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:46,993 But that doesn't give you the right to play god 342 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,490 to the rest of us mortals down here 343 00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,367 who are still looking for someone. 344 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,678 You're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up 345 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:54,121 on that front porch with. 346 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:57,707 Well, you know what? You can have it to yourselves. 347 00:16:02,796 --> 00:16:04,548 What happened to your jacket? 348 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,800 Soot, bread crumbs, placenta. 349 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:09,761 Did you at least TiVo it? 350 00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,057 So, you're this comfy every night, 351 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,892 and Lily still has sex with you? 352 00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:19,479 Yeah. That's what marriage is all about, man, unconditional love. 353 00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:22,732 You can wear whatever you want and still get laid. 354 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,318 Tell me more about being married. 355 00:16:25,569 --> 00:16:28,196 Well, sometimes, when you're married, 356 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:31,408 you wake up to the smell of breakfast already on the table. 357 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:33,869 And coffee, too? And coffee, too. 358 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:38,665 Sometimes, she'll even put out a vase of freshly cut flowers. 359 00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:40,292 I love flowers. 360 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:45,589 And sometimes, when you're worried you've made all the wrong decisions in life, 361 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:49,676 and you're not nearly the man you want to be, what does she do then? 362 00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:53,555 Well, she tells you that you're great and it's all gonna be okay. 363 00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,099 That's wonderful. 364 00:16:57,017 --> 00:17:01,188 And she'll help you find other girls to have sex with? 365 00:17:03,982 --> 00:17:05,233 I mean, I guess. 366 00:17:05,317 --> 00:17:08,445 Maybe if you agreed upon that beforehand, yeah. 367 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:10,113 Mmm. 368 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:14,284 Little guy had a big day. We'll talk about it tomorrow. 369 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,119 Sweet dreams, slugger. 370 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:33,845 Older Ted: The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily. 371 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,138 Until... 372 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,516 Hi. What are you... hi. 373 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,397 Lily came by and explained everything. 374 00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,942 And she gave me this note for you. 375 00:17:51,196 --> 00:17:52,739 Lily: "Ted, I'm sorry. 376 00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,242 "It doesn't matter to me who you marry. 377 00:17:55,325 --> 00:17:59,162 "I know they'll be awesome because they'll think you are. 378 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,580 "To show I mean it, 379 00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:03,750 "I put together a little surprise for you and Karen upstairs. 380 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,085 "Love, Lily." 381 00:18:05,168 --> 00:18:07,879 Marshall: "P. S. Sorry the envelope was already open. 382 00:18:07,963 --> 00:18:10,924 "I had to read what she wrote. Marshall." 383 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:14,427 Sabotaging our relationship? I got to say, 384 00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:17,430 even using the specially-ordered, extra-low bar by which I 385 00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:20,934 judge your friends, Lily really outdid herself this time. 386 00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:23,353 Obviously, we can't ever see her again. 387 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,523 I know. It's a big loss, right? 388 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,280 Hey, remember your old college roommate? 389 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:36,992 He was married to that shrill, little idiot girl. 390 00:18:37,075 --> 00:18:41,246 Marshall. Oh, it's been so long. 391 00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:43,164 God, I hated him. 392 00:18:43,540 --> 00:18:45,709 Anyway, here's his obituary. 393 00:18:47,544 --> 00:18:49,963 And I realized, maybe it shouldn't matter what my friends 394 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,008 think of my girlfriend, but it sure as hell matters what 395 00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,302 my girlfriend thinks of my friends. 396 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,804 Wow. So you ended it? 397 00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:58,930 Yeah. 398 00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:04,144 So if you want to be my plus one, Lily's a damn good cook. 399 00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,478 Robin: Mmm! 400 00:19:05,562 --> 00:19:09,774 Beef pot pie, Mac and cheese, homemade buttermilk biscuits. 401 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,861 Wow, no wonder Marshall dies at 68. 402 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,780 Thank you. 403 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,533 Older Ted: So, Robin and I enjoyed a gourmet dinner. 404 00:19:18,742 --> 00:19:20,535 Well, for her it was breakfast. 405 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:24,331 And we ended up doing exactly what Lily wanted us to do all along, 406 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,333 we talked about our relationship. 407 00:19:27,625 --> 00:19:30,337 So, Lily broke us up, sort of. 408 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,796 Yeah. 409 00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,341 Kind of makes you wonder. 410 00:19:34,424 --> 00:19:35,759 Yeah. 411 00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,802 I mean, if it weren't for her, 412 00:19:37,886 --> 00:19:40,096 would we still be dating right now? 413 00:19:40,597 --> 00:19:42,057 Maybe. 414 00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:46,561 But Lily was right. We weren't ready. 415 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,689 We both needed to move on, do our own thing. 416 00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,524 Still do, I guess. 417 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:52,984 Mmm-hmm. 418 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,404 We should make a pact. 419 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,699 If the years go by, and we both turn 40, 420 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:01,576 and we're still single, we... 421 00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:12,170 Robin scherbatsky, will you be my backup wife? 422 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,715 A girl always dreams of hearing those words. 423 00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:18,802 Yes! Yes! A million times, yes! 424 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:25,433 Thank you. 425 00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,395 All right, it's a deal. Yeah. 426 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,957 So, should we set up some ground rules for this? 427 00:20:31,981 --> 00:20:32,982 Okay, like what? 428 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,711 I don't know. Like neither one of us can get super fat. Stuff like that. 429 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,029 Okay, I only have one, you can't wear a nightshirt. 430 00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:39,572 I will never wear a nightshirt. 431 00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,074 Thank god. 432 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,260 Never mind.