1 00:00:02,420 --> 00:00:04,213 Older Ted: Back in 2009, your aunt Robin 2 00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:06,090 got a job hosting a morning show. 3 00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,926 Which meant she had to get up kind of early. How early? 4 00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:12,346 Morning, everybody. 5 00:00:13,556 --> 00:00:14,557 Marshall: Hey, Robin! 6 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:16,601 So you're actually doing it, huh? 7 00:00:16,726 --> 00:00:18,686 You're actually going to work at 2:00 am. 8 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,689 Okay, I'm not doing it for me. I'm doing it for the fans. 9 00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:25,234 Who exactly are the fans of a show that airs at 4:00 in the morning? 10 00:00:25,318 --> 00:00:27,570 People getting up to host a show at 5:00 in the morning? 11 00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:28,696 Ha, ha, ha. 12 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,865 Meth addicts who haven't sold their tvs yet? 13 00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,534 Strippers in that messy gray area between getting off work 14 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,578 and getting their kids up for school? 15 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:38,039 Them's my peeps. All right, catch me up. 16 00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:39,582 What's been going on? 17 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,918 You know, just the uzhe. 18 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:44,045 Really, the uzhe? Yes. 19 00:00:44,128 --> 00:00:47,506 Robin, think of the funniest thing that has ever happened. 20 00:00:47,590 --> 00:00:50,218 Got it. Now double that. 21 00:00:50,301 --> 00:00:52,803 So, a chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos? 22 00:00:54,305 --> 00:00:57,892 Something even funnier than that happened to Marshall today. 23 00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:00,478 Okay, first of all, there's nothing funnier than that. 24 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:04,106 Second of all, look, it's not that good a story. 25 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:05,608 Oh, come on, you guys. 26 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,610 You're four young, active people living 27 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:10,029 in the most exciting city on earth. 28 00:01:10,112 --> 00:01:11,798 You're telling me you have no stories for me? 29 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:14,158 What can I say? Some weeks are just like that. 30 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,619 It's the same thing over and over. 31 00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,746 A kid in my class ate some paste. 32 00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:23,167 I used deceitful means to hook up with a less-than-intelligent girl. 33 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,086 My ex-girlfriend, Karen, moved to town. 34 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,796 It's just... it's all the same, Robin. 35 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:28,464 Karen's in town? 36 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,716 You have got to be kidding me! No! 37 00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,843 Older Ted: Kids, I think I've told you about Karen. 38 00:01:33,511 --> 00:01:35,054 She was my girlfriend in high school 39 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,889 and intermittently during college. 40 00:01:36,973 --> 00:01:40,768 She was beautiful, smart. I was madly in love with her. 41 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:44,188 The only problem was, Marshall and Lily were not. 42 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:47,358 I think it had something to do with every time Karen opened her mouth. 43 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,235 I love that you guys live in a dorm. 44 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,195 It's so American. 45 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,740 It's like, "let's all eat baloney sandwiches and be racist." 46 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,703 Oh, my god, she was such a douche. 47 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:01,163 Dude, she was the heiress to the massengill fortune. 48 00:02:02,373 --> 00:02:03,916 She really wasn't that bad. 49 00:02:04,041 --> 00:02:05,626 Of course, you think that. 50 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:08,504 She turned you into one of her douche zombies. 51 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:14,677 "I want to eat your brain, but only if it's organic and grass-fed." 52 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:16,721 What? 53 00:02:17,179 --> 00:02:18,681 Will you pass the salt? 54 00:02:18,764 --> 00:02:20,308 Salt? 55 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:22,601 So bourgeois. 56 00:02:23,561 --> 00:02:24,937 Totally. 57 00:02:28,024 --> 00:02:29,442 What's that thing? 58 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,986 That's a TV, Karen. 59 00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:35,823 I don't watch TV. 60 00:02:36,574 --> 00:02:37,908 Totally. 61 00:02:39,118 --> 00:02:42,330 You thought I actually bought tickets to wrestlemania? 62 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:44,749 I was being ironic. 63 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,584 Totally. 64 00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:50,421 I know that you were being ironic. 65 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:55,092 I, too, am being ironic. 66 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:57,887 Let's do this! 67 00:02:59,972 --> 00:03:01,098 What? 68 00:03:01,557 --> 00:03:03,642 That makeup didn't come off for a month. 69 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,353 I had to meet Lily's parents that way. 70 00:03:05,436 --> 00:03:06,956 I've never looked like a biggerjackass. 71 00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:08,230 Until today. 72 00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:10,399 Tell the story. Tell the story. Tell the story. 73 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:11,650 Just let it go! 74 00:03:11,734 --> 00:03:14,111 Well, hold on. Is it really funny? 75 00:03:14,195 --> 00:03:16,614 Robin, I am not kidding you. 76 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,532 I almost don't want you to hear it, 77 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:22,370 because seriously, for the rest of yourlfie, 78 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:26,415 nothing else will ever be as funny, and you will curse yourself 79 00:03:26,499 --> 00:03:29,585 for agreeing to ever hear it in the first place. 80 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:30,771 But seriously, you got to hear it. 81 00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:32,380 It's so funny. 82 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,131 Fine. 83 00:03:34,632 --> 00:03:37,301 Marshall: I was at the company gym this morning playing basketball. 84 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:40,888 Now, the guys I work with can be pretty brutal with their ridicule. 85 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:44,475 Hey, look at wisniewski. He's gonna cry. Look at him. 86 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,227 Yeah, look at him. 87 00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,310 I don't know. 88 00:03:47,353 --> 00:03:48,914 I don't think knees are supposed to bend that way. 89 00:03:48,938 --> 00:03:50,898 I think he might have torn his acl. 90 00:03:50,981 --> 00:03:54,360 Bro, the only thing that guy tore was his cervix or maybe his hymen. 91 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,904 Yeah, or his fallopian tubes. Boom! 92 00:03:59,532 --> 00:04:01,909 I may have cleaned up the dialog a little bit. 93 00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:05,704 Anyways, I go to my duffle bag to get out my work clothes... 94 00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:06,872 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 95 00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,036 I want to say it. I want to say it. I want to say it. 96 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,751 Fine. You say it. 97 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:14,922 Marshall goes to his duffle bag to get out his work clothes and... 98 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,925 No, no, no, you say it. It's funnier if you say it. 99 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,428 No, let me say it. No, no, you say it. 100 00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,846 You say it. Say it. 101 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,098 Same time. 102 00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:26,100 No, no, no, you go. You go. 103 00:04:27,852 --> 00:04:29,687 I forgot... Marshall forgot his pants! 104 00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,490 He forgot his pants. 105 00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:01,802 Okay, Marshall forgot his pants. That's pretty funny. 106 00:05:01,886 --> 00:05:04,638 It's no chimpanzee wearing two tuxedos. 107 00:05:04,722 --> 00:05:06,432 I mean, what did he... 108 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,309 He forgot he put the first one on? 109 00:05:09,393 --> 00:05:11,353 Stupid monkey. 110 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:15,649 So Karen in new York. Weird, right? 111 00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:18,194 Ted, you cannot get back together with Karen. 112 00:05:18,277 --> 00:05:20,488 I never said I was going to get back together with her. 113 00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,048 But I was thinking, she's new in town. 114 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,050 Would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call? 115 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:26,261 No, no, Ted, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. 116 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:29,413 It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one, super volcano. 117 00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,017 Number two, an asteroid hits the earth. 118 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,292 Number three, all footage of evel knievel is lost. 119 00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,503 Number four, Ted calls Karen. 120 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,505 Number five, Lily gets eaten by a shark. 121 00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:41,008 I'm Lily and I approve the order of that list. 122 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:42,843 You don't know the whole story. 123 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:44,970 Ted and Karen were off-and-on all through 124 00:05:45,054 --> 00:05:47,556 cohege, and it always went the same way. 125 00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:50,601 They'd be having fun, douching it up, and then one day... 126 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,270 I know you think pepperoni is fascist, 127 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:55,314 and you're totally right, so I... 128 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,358 Oh, my god! Karen! 129 00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,110 Sorry, bro. 130 00:06:00,778 --> 00:06:02,154 Before you say anything, 131 00:06:02,238 --> 00:06:04,114 I think that you should read 132 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,991 baudelaire's les fleurs du mal. 133 00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,620 Okay. 134 00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:12,331 So then they break up. 135 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:15,709 Ted would be all depressed and we would wait the appropriate amount of time 136 00:06:15,793 --> 00:06:17,670 and then we would tell him how we really felt. 137 00:06:18,462 --> 00:06:19,588 Karen and I broke up. 138 00:06:19,672 --> 00:06:22,132 We hated her! Bitch had to go! 139 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:25,219 And then Ted would build up a head of steam 140 00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:29,640 and finally take the bus to Providence to give Karen a piece of his mind. 141 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,935 How'd it go? Great. 142 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:35,354 Look who's back! 143 00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,315 Karen! Karen! 144 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:43,571 And then, sure enough, the whole thing would start all over again. 145 00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:49,159 Make that 10,002 maniacs, because I got us Natalie merchant... 146 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,538 Sorry, bro. 147 00:06:53,789 --> 00:06:56,685 So she would come visit you at school and the second you turned your back, 148 00:06:56,709 --> 00:06:59,211 she would bring guys back to your dorm room? 149 00:06:59,295 --> 00:07:00,462 Respect. 150 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:02,381 Okay, I was an idiot. 151 00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,967 She was my first real girlfriend. I was madly in love with her. 152 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:07,720 We all did stuff we regret in college. 153 00:07:07,803 --> 00:07:11,140 Junior year, Marshall grew a soul patch, wore a rasta hat, 154 00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:13,726 and asked everyone to call him m.J. Smooth. 155 00:07:13,809 --> 00:07:16,145 I don't regret that for one second. 156 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,023 So you guys absolutely don't think I should call her? 157 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,166 Robin: Ted, no! Of course not! 158 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:21,251 Get it through your thick skull! 159 00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:23,402 Okay, okay, fine, I won't. 160 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,614 Interesting piece of trivia, I called her. 161 00:07:26,697 --> 00:07:28,073 What are you doing? You idiot! 162 00:07:28,157 --> 00:07:29,408 Finish the pants story. 163 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:31,452 I can't believe you called her. 164 00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:33,912 Why don't you just ask her to lunch while you're at it? 165 00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:38,876 Because, Lily, I'm not going to ask her out to lunch, again. 166 00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:42,254 Wow. You asked her to lunch? 167 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:46,300 Why would anyone want to have lunch with their ex? 168 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,426 Glad you asked, Marshall. 169 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:49,970 There are four possible motives behind an ex lunch. 170 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:52,598 Number one, they want to get back together. 171 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:55,142 Oh. Like my high school boyfriend, scooter. 172 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,354 Lilies, clever. 173 00:07:58,437 --> 00:08:00,522 I'm sorry I don't have a scooter for you. 174 00:08:00,773 --> 00:08:04,985 My god, that's funny! I forgot how funny you are. 175 00:08:06,445 --> 00:08:07,988 Where is that waiter? 176 00:08:08,072 --> 00:08:09,740 Why? You like waiters? 177 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,034 I can be a waiter. 178 00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:16,789 I'm going to be the greatest waiter on this earth, and then you'll love me. 179 00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,917 Number two, they want to kill you. 180 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,752 Like when I had lunch with Wendy. 181 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:24,463 I'm glad we could finally do this. 182 00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:26,882 You know, after the ninth time you rescheduled on me, 183 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,425 I almost gave up on you. 184 00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:31,637 But you didn't. You just kept on trying. 185 00:08:32,471 --> 00:08:36,767 By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you. 186 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,147 Gun! She's got a gun! 187 00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:45,818 It's a tie. 188 00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:49,738 Number three, they actually do want to give you your stuff back. 189 00:08:49,822 --> 00:08:51,699 Like when I had lunch with curt. 190 00:08:52,116 --> 00:08:55,994 By the way, there's something I've been meaning to give you. 191 00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:03,210 My snub-nose .38 police special! 192 00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,546 God, I knew I left that somewhere. 193 00:09:05,671 --> 00:09:07,631 Every time I watch the news, I'm like, 194 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,341 "oops. Hope that wasn't my gun." 195 00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:13,387 Breaking up was the right choice. 196 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:18,684 Or number four, to rub your face in how great they're doing. 197 00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:21,228 Like my lunch with Nicole barsamian. 198 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,312 Who's Nicole barsamian? 199 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:23,522 My ex. 200 00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:26,066 Hello, Nicole. 201 00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,901 You look well, Marshall. 202 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:29,987 You look okay, I guess. 203 00:09:30,946 --> 00:09:32,072 I'm seeing someone. 204 00:09:32,156 --> 00:09:33,574 Already? Who? 205 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:37,077 Lee Roberts. He reads at a fifth-grade level. 206 00:09:41,123 --> 00:09:43,041 You have to cancel the lunch. 207 00:09:43,125 --> 00:09:47,171 I would definitely do that, definitely, except I already had it. 208 00:09:48,505 --> 00:09:51,800 Robin, I'm going to need to borrow the butt of your gun. 209 00:09:51,884 --> 00:09:54,636 I actually lost it again. Can you believe that? 210 00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,061 How could you break bread with that woman? 211 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:06,774 It was just lunch, and you know she doesn't eat wheat. 212 00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,137 We had a great time catching up. 213 00:10:08,192 --> 00:10:11,612 I mean, we even laughed about what jerks we were back then. 214 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,574 I can't believe I had a beret for each day of the week. 215 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:20,120 I can't believe I had an iron-on image of moliere on my backpack. 216 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,956 Man, we were pretentious. 217 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,292 So pretentious. 218 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:27,085 What can I get you? 219 00:10:30,047 --> 00:10:31,673 I don't want to cause a scene, 220 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:34,134 but your wine list has a chateauneuf—du-pape 221 00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:36,637 listed under your cotes de provence. 222 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,473 You might want to alert your sommelier. 223 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,266 And for you? 224 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:46,230 I hate to go off-menu, but can we have some bruschett with fresh mozzarell? 225 00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:50,984 It was great. It was great. 226 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:53,612 I mean, there was one weird moment towards the end. 227 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,989 Yeah, I mean, how do you say goodbye in those situations? 228 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,658 A kiss on the cheek is too familiar. 229 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,159 A handshake is too formal. 230 00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:02,412 And a hug is just like a public dry hump. 231 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,749 I think you're hugging wrong. 232 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:08,126 So what happened? Well... 233 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:12,548 Schopenhauer made a saucy little argument in which he posited... 234 00:11:14,299 --> 00:11:17,511 Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute. 235 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:21,223 Hey, Karen was the first girl I ever loved. Okay? 236 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,892 And after the year I've had, I... I don't know, 237 00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:27,187 I guess having lunch with her just reminded me of what it was like to be 18 238 00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,857 and have my whole life figured out. 239 00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:32,025 And I would like to remind everyone that 240 00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:34,570 at least I was wearing pants, Marshall. 241 00:11:34,653 --> 00:11:36,196 No! No, no, no! 242 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,365 You can't just go changing the subject like that. 243 00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:40,117 Oh. Yeah, the pants story. 244 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,870 Pants story, bomaye! Pants story, bomaye! 245 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,079 There's no story! 246 00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:47,165 I had a little situation, so I called Lily. 247 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:48,810 And just refresh us, what was that situation? 248 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,294 I forgot my pants. 249 00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:53,964 What do you mean you forgot your pants? 250 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,549 I forgot them. 251 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,134 Now, I need you to bring me some. 252 00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,303 What about your spare pants? 253 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,096 Last Thursday, the mustard incident? 254 00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:03,098 Jeez, woman, you have the memory of a goldfish. 255 00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:06,059 No, Ted, you're not getting off that easy. 256 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,103 Marshall's pants story, while amusing... 257 00:12:08,186 --> 00:12:10,898 Amusing? Try very amusing. 258 00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:15,027 Is nothing compared to this Karen madness. Finish your story. 259 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:18,113 What? That's it. It was just one kiss in the restaurant. 260 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,574 Why did you say "in the restaurant"? 261 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,451 Did you kiss somewhere else? 262 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,703 Like where, in a tree? 263 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:27,414 No, Lily, we did not make out in a tree. 264 00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,374 What's with this one? 265 00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:32,711 Oh, Ted. What did you do? 266 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:41,428 Ted, how could you? 267 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:44,765 Ted, Marshall forgot to bring his pants to work today, 268 00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:47,643 and you're still the stupidest person at this table. 269 00:12:47,726 --> 00:12:49,853 Okay, Lily, let's be honest. 270 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:52,064 We both know your real motivation here. 271 00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:55,275 You hate Karen because she lingered. 272 00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:57,444 You son of a bitch. 273 00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:58,904 What do you mean she lingered? 274 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:03,200 February 5th, 1998. I was painting... 275 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:09,539 Sorry. I... sorry. I... 276 00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:18,215 You know, that color palette is a bit derivative of early Van gogh, 277 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,050 don't you think? 278 00:13:22,719 --> 00:13:24,972 Cheat on Ted, criticize my painting, 279 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,848 whatever, that's your business. 280 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:32,688 But I catch you peeping on my man's junk and you linger? 281 00:13:32,771 --> 00:13:35,315 You gots to get got. 282 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:38,276 The game is the game. 283 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:41,238 In Karen's defense, I had just worked out. 284 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:43,699 Why'd you have to paint Marshall nude anyway? 285 00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:46,034 Because he ate my bowl of fruit. 286 00:13:46,118 --> 00:13:49,997 Look, the point is, Karen is a dirty lingerer, 287 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,499 and you cannot bring her back into our lives. 288 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,002 Relax, it was just that one night! 289 00:13:55,085 --> 00:13:57,045 And the next three after that. And one morning. 290 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,841 But at least I had pants on, Marshall. 291 00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:02,217 Although, actually, I didn't. 292 00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:03,653 Wait, this happened in our apartment? 293 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,679 Mmm-hmm. Where was I? 294 00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:09,474 You know those sleeping pills you're taking to keep on your crazy new schedule? 295 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:11,226 I think they're stronger than you realize. 296 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:24,406 Lafontaine gets the puck to turgeon. Turgeon shoots. Glove save. 297 00:14:25,866 --> 00:14:27,909 Hey, Ted. Hey, Lily. 298 00:14:27,993 --> 00:14:29,995 Don't worry. I won't tell Marshall. 299 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,499 I'm gonna grab a beer. You want one? 300 00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:41,965 Beer! I'll start decanting the Bordeaux. 301 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:51,266 Ted, sure it's fun to look back at a time 302 00:14:51,349 --> 00:14:55,062 when you were a fresh-faced farm girl with a virgin's glow. 303 00:14:55,145 --> 00:14:58,398 But all that stuff, Ohio, Karen, college... 304 00:14:58,482 --> 00:15:00,150 All that was bs. 305 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,987 "Before Stinson." Now your life is awesome! 306 00:15:04,071 --> 00:15:08,241 I mean, yeah, you still live with your ex-girlfriend, which is ridiculous. 307 00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,161 Your laser tag chops are almost nonexistent. 308 00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:16,625 And your wardrobe, it's like, what, are you allergic to quality fabrics? 309 00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:18,877 Seriously, Ted, shape up. 310 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,963 What were we talking about? 311 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,257 So what's next with this broad? 312 00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:26,760 Oh, please, the story's already written. 313 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:30,639 Ted is Charlie brown trying to kick the football and Karen's Lucy, 314 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,767 who pulls it away at the last second and has sex with it. 315 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:35,143 All: Ew! 316 00:15:35,227 --> 00:15:37,938 You guys know what I mean. Ted's gonna fall in love, 317 00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:39,564 and then Karen's gonna cheat on him 318 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,149 with some meathead, who's like, 319 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,860 "Sorry, bro." 320 00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:47,030 Wrong, wrong, wrong! 321 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,217 You must have left the right answer in your pants, Marshall, 322 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,159 because that's exactly what didn't happen. 323 00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,869 Older Ted: Because here's what happened. 324 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:55,747 One afternoon, we were at Karen's place... 325 00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:58,834 Karen? Oh, my god. 326 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,378 How could you? 327 00:16:04,589 --> 00:16:06,133 Sorry, bro. 328 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,950 Older Ted: So, this time, the meathead Karen was cheating with... 329 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:18,061 Was me, Ted. Me... 330 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:20,363 Remember that time Marshall forgot his pants? 331 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,523 Damn it, Ted! 332 00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,191 You quit trying to change the subject. 333 00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:24,818 You crossed the line. 334 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:28,071 You are complicit in breaking some poor guy's heart. 335 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:32,576 And you, you of all people know exactly how that feels. 336 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,388 You really don't want to tell the pants story, do you? 337 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:38,582 What? Pants, pants, pants, pants... 338 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,458 Fine! Okay? 339 00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:43,670 So, Lily came down to the office to bring me my pants. 340 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:44,981 And why did she have to do that? 341 00:16:45,005 --> 00:16:46,047 Because I forgot my pants. 342 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,843 Lily, what are you doing here? 343 00:16:49,926 --> 00:16:51,928 I'm here to give Marshall something. 344 00:16:53,096 --> 00:16:56,808 Here to give him something. Got you. Nice. 345 00:16:56,892 --> 00:17:00,270 Yeah, but I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you? 346 00:17:02,230 --> 00:17:03,690 Sure, okay. 347 00:17:04,441 --> 00:17:06,860 And then you'll give it to him? 348 00:17:06,943 --> 00:17:09,529 Wait, hey. I don't know about all that. 349 00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,657 I mean, yours would have to be really good. 350 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:16,203 What are you talking about? What are you talking about? 351 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:20,081 Marshall forgot his pants, so I'm bringing him a new pair. 352 00:17:20,999 --> 00:17:23,293 Huh. Marshall forgot his pants. 353 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,045 Well, it's a good thing that you came by 354 00:17:25,128 --> 00:17:28,381 because he has a really important meeting today, 355 00:17:28,465 --> 00:17:32,385 and it would be pretty embarrassing and not at all funny 356 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:35,138 if he were to show up not wearing pants. 357 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:37,265 So, I'll make sure he gets these. 358 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:39,142 Great. Thanks, Barney. 359 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,729 And you didn't give him his pants. 360 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,898 Theodore Evelyn mosby. 361 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:46,816 Of course I gave him his pants. 362 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,985 Igave Lily my word. My word is oak. 363 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:53,031 Though I did make some alterations. 364 00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:02,332 Now, as you'll see on page 44 of the contract... 365 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,626 Hey, Eriksen, when did you join ac/dc? 366 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,713 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 367 00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,883 Now, can we please just turn to page 44 of the contract? 368 00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:16,179 Hey, Eriksen, I think the Oliver twist auditions are down the hall! 369 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:23,353 Hey, Eriksen, "please, sir, may I have some more pants?" 370 00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,822 More pants! 371 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,366 Oh, my god! 372 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,955 That's it? That's the whole story? 373 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:43,140 So what happened with Karen? 374 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,791 I'll finish it for you. 375 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:49,462 Ted left without saying anything and Karen got exactly what she wanted. 376 00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:51,881 Mmm-mmm. Not this time. 377 00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,592 So, you have a boyfriend? 378 00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:56,428 We've been drifting apart for a long time. 379 00:18:56,511 --> 00:18:58,138 I've been meaning to break up with him. 380 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:00,682 God, Karen, you are unbelievable. 381 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,852 You don't have the guts to break up with someone like a decent human being, 382 00:19:03,935 --> 00:19:05,979 so instead you pull this crap. 383 00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:09,399 Okay, you're right. 384 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:14,112 I'm great with books. I'm great with art. 385 00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:17,907 I'm great with identifying French wines from within a mile 386 00:19:17,991 --> 00:19:19,909 of where the grapes are grown. 387 00:19:21,244 --> 00:19:23,681 But I'm really bad when it comes to looking someone in the eye 388 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,333 and telling them the truth about how I feel. 389 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,710 Well, we're both bad at that. 390 00:19:29,961 --> 00:19:33,423 But I think we both need to change. So why don't I go first? 391 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:37,302 Karen, you're a really hurtful and reckless person, 392 00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,764 and I never want to see you or speak to you again. 393 00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,141 Au revoir. 394 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,268 Ted, wait. 395 00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:52,817 Actually, "au revoir" means "until we see each other again." 396 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:58,948 So, I'm assuming that you mean we will in fact see each other again? 397 00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:03,453 Sorry, bro. 398 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:08,664 Thank you. Thank you. Yes! 399 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,251 Bravo. Ted, I am impressed with you. 400 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:11,378 You, too, Marshall. 401 00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:13,129 Have you been wearing those all day? 402 00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,548 They show off my calves. 403 00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:17,884 Pants story. Tell it again. 404 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:21,971 You know, maybe it was good you called Karen. 405 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:25,058 It definitely was. And not just for me, but for her, too. 406 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:27,060 Later that night, she sat down with Jerry, 407 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:30,188 and she had the break-up talk she always avoided with me. 408 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,398 Older Ted: So you see, kids, 409 00:20:31,481 --> 00:20:34,192 sometimes when you have to have a tough conversation, 410 00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:35,275 the best thing to do... 411 00:20:35,318 --> 00:20:38,863 Wait a second. Wait a second. 412 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:42,033 You said you were never gonna talk to Karen again, right? 413 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,201 Yeah. 414 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:45,912 Then how do you know she took your advice? 415 00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:50,542 Oh! Right. Well, about that. 416 00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:52,895 After she broke up with that dude, she called me, we went out, 417 00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,355 we hooked up, and we've been dating ever since. 418 00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:55,523 We're really seeing eye-to-eye, and this time, 419 00:20:55,547 --> 00:20:56,982 I don't know, it just feels different somehow. 420 00:20:57,006 --> 00:20:59,551 Here she comes now. Be cool! Hey! 421 00:21:00,677 --> 00:21:02,512 All: Karen.