1 00:00:03,337 --> 00:00:04,547 Barney, check it, 2 00:00:04,755 --> 00:00:08,551 three blond babies drinking bad decision juice at 8 o'clock. 3 00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:11,179 Nice rack radar. 4 00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:12,889 That's my wife. 5 00:00:12,972 --> 00:00:14,182 No, |got to get going. 6 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:17,018 Seriously? But they're blond and drunk. 7 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,311 Isn't that your type? 8 00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,397 Maybe I don't have a type, lin. 9 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:26,027 God, do you think the male mind is really that simplistic, 10 00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:29,780 that we all have one favorite type? Jeez. 11 00:00:29,864 --> 00:00:31,324 Asian with some boob. 12 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:34,118 I'm gonna hit the bathroom, then bail. 13 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,663 Okay, have you guys noticed Barney's been acting weird lately? 14 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:38,873 Actually, yes. 15 00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:41,101 You know how Barney always says never buy a girl flowers, 16 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:43,270 because giving her a living thing reminds her of babies? 17 00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:44,378 Sure. 18 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:45,546 Well, the other day, 19 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:48,966 I saw him at that flower shop on 82nd buying roses. 20 00:00:49,133 --> 00:00:50,760 What? Wait, now that you mention it, 21 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:53,638 Barney did do something kind of odd at the office yesterday. 22 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,806 Okay, see you Saturday. 23 00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:58,768 I'm thinking brunch, farmer's market, maybe a hike. 24 00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:01,312 I love you, too. Bye. 25 00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:06,234 I figured he was just talking to some girl he was trying to nail. 26 00:01:06,359 --> 00:01:08,319 Or Ted, but now I don't know. 27 00:01:08,903 --> 00:01:10,571 Wait, do you think it's possible 28 00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:13,699 that Barney Stinson has a girlfriend? 29 00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:15,785 Later. 30 00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:17,995 Wait, Barney, hold on. Where are you going? 31 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,330 Nowhere. 32 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:21,916 The beach. It's winter. Laser tag. 33 00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:24,168 Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere. 34 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,673 Oh, my god. He's meeting her right now. 35 00:01:32,677 --> 00:01:34,637 Yeah. Where is Barney going? 36 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,514 We're not even in Manhattan anymore. 37 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:37,932 Where's this girl live? 38 00:01:38,015 --> 00:01:39,034 We're talking about a woman 39 00:01:39,058 --> 00:01:41,352 who's actually gotten Barney Stinson to commit. 40 00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:43,020 I'm guessing narnia. 41 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,939 Oh, oh, he's stopping. 42 00:01:58,411 --> 00:02:00,222 What the hell are you guys doing here? Where is she? 43 00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:01,914 Your girlfriend. Who? 44 00:02:01,998 --> 00:02:04,041 Oh, hello. 45 00:02:04,834 --> 00:02:07,461 Wow, you really don't have a type, do you? 46 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:12,633 Ah... these are my friends. Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin. 47 00:02:13,092 --> 00:02:15,720 Guys, this is Loretta. 48 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,053 My mom. 49 00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:18,514 It's so nice to meet you. 50 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:20,683 I feel like I already know you all. 51 00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:23,561 Barney goes on and on about you every day when we talk. 52 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:26,439 Aw! You call your mom every day? 53 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:28,607 No. Mom! 54 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:32,445 So that's what you were being all secretive about? 55 00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:35,906 You didn't want us to know you're a big old mama's boy. 56 00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:39,327 Yep, you got me. Well, guess you guys can leave. 57 00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:40,411 Oh! 58 00:02:40,911 --> 00:02:42,455 Hello. 59 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,750 Barney, who are all these people? 60 00:02:46,792 --> 00:02:50,338 Ted, Marshall, Lily, Robin, I'd like you to meet Betty, 61 00:02:51,047 --> 00:02:52,256 my wife. 62 00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,427 And my son Tyler. 63 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:16,280 Betty and I are gonna get dinner ready. 64 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:17,907 There'll be plenty for everyone. 65 00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:19,325 But remember, you, 66 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:22,119 only one helping of meatloaf after what Dr. Grossbard said 67 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:23,371 aboutyour cholesterol. 68 00:03:23,454 --> 00:03:24,872 This one wants me to live forever. 69 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:26,082 Guilty. 70 00:03:26,916 --> 00:03:28,292 I love you. I love you, too. 71 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,543 I love you three! 72 00:03:29,627 --> 00:03:31,253 Get out of here, you little scamp! 73 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,359 So, I'll see you guys back at the bar? 74 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:36,842 What the hell, Barney? 75 00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:39,470 Okay, it's a long story. 76 00:03:40,054 --> 00:03:42,723 As you know, my father had to leave my mom 77 00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:44,600 when I was a baby because he got hired 78 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:46,143 as the host of the price is right. 79 00:03:46,352 --> 00:03:48,896 It was a very good show. Bob barker is your father. 80 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:53,025 She had to raise my brother and me by herself. 81 00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:56,070 And her only wish was for her sons 82 00:03:56,195 --> 00:03:58,823 not to wind up alone, like she was. 83 00:03:59,448 --> 00:04:01,992 Then about seven years ago, she got really sick. 84 00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:05,204 It looked like she wasn't going to make it. 85 00:04:05,371 --> 00:04:08,499 So I decided to make her wish come true. 86 00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:11,085 Mom, this is Betty. 87 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:12,878 We're engaged. 88 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:17,174 I hired an actress to play my fiancee "Betty." 89 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:19,135 Her real name's Margaret. 90 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,762 She mostly does off-Broadway theater. Wonderful actress. 91 00:04:21,846 --> 00:04:23,597 This close to a Tony. It's all who you know. 92 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,641 It's very political. I shouldn't get into it. 93 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,726 But there's one problem. 94 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:31,021 Betty has a slight tendency to go off-book. 95 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:34,191 You see, mom? I found someone who makes me happy. 96 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:35,776 Just like you wanted. 97 00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,361 That's wonderful. 98 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,866 I just wish I could've stuck around long enough for grandchildren. 99 00:04:42,992 --> 00:04:44,160 I'm pregnant! 100 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,916 And then my mom got better. 101 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:54,753 Which was miraculous. But it meant that I had to keep "Betty" 102 00:04:54,879 --> 00:04:58,215 around and cast a kid to play my son Tyler. 103 00:04:58,382 --> 00:05:02,011 This is crazy. You actually cast your own son? 104 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,220 Well, for a while, 105 00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:06,015 I got by borrowing/babysitting my neighbor's baby. 106 00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:09,393 Then this one Christmas, when my mom was plowed on eggnog, 107 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:12,062 I got away with a bag of rour and a Chucky mask. 108 00:05:12,730 --> 00:05:15,649 But eventually I had to hold auditions. 109 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:23,365 13, you can stay. The rest of you may go. 110 00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:28,537 You said that if I slept with you, my son would get the part. 111 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:31,373 Well, apparently I'm a better actor than your kid. 112 00:05:31,457 --> 00:05:33,459 Bring in the 11:00's! 113 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:37,755 And that's how the role of terr eventually went to 114 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,590 Grant. 115 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,510 Come on, Grant seems pretty good. 116 00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:43,761 You think so? 117 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:46,263 Watch this. Hey, Tyler. 118 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:51,560 Tyler. Tyler. 119 00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:55,231 Grant. Yeah? 120 00:05:56,565 --> 00:05:58,734 See? It's like amateur hour over here. 121 00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:01,195 Call me crazy, but child actors 122 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,113 were way better back in the '80s. 123 00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:08,536 Well, Barney, it looks like your mom kept 124 00:06:08,619 --> 00:06:11,038 yourchhdhood bedroom just the way you left it. 125 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:12,623 Yeah, that sure is a big poster 126 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:14,124 of the karate kid above your bed. 127 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,168 Hey, the karate kid is a great movie. 128 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,796 It's the story of a hopeful young karate enthusiast 129 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,548 whose dreams and moxie 130 00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:23,551 take him all the way to the all valley karate championship. 131 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:27,137 Of course, sadly, he loses in the final round to that nerd kid, 132 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,306 but he learns an important lesson 133 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,267 about gracefully accepting defeat. 134 00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,687 Wait. When you watch the karate kid, 135 00:06:34,812 --> 00:06:37,439 you actually root for that mean blond boy? 136 00:06:37,523 --> 00:06:41,068 No, I root for the scrawny loser from New Jersey 137 00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:43,153 who barely even knows karate. 138 00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:47,199 When I watch the karate kid, I root for the karate kid, 139 00:06:47,283 --> 00:06:49,618 Johnny Lawrence from the cobra Kai dojo. 140 00:06:50,035 --> 00:06:52,162 Get your head out of your ass, Lily. 141 00:06:54,707 --> 00:06:57,751 Okay, I just figured out where I know you from. 142 00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,879 I saw you perform at the disorientation theater 143 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:05,384 in bertolt brecht's die heilige Johanna der schlachthofe last fall. 144 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,387 You were a revelation! 145 00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,264 Yeah. Really? 146 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,765 Oh, thanks. 147 00:07:11,849 --> 00:07:14,977 Iwasn't sure. I mean, the point of brecht's work, of course, is to 148 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,438 alienate the audience. Alienate the audience. Sure. 149 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:20,774 Sorry. Brecht-o-phile right here! 150 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:24,194 Wow, you really know your theater. 151 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:28,032 Lady theater grabbed my heart early on and she never let go. 152 00:07:28,657 --> 00:07:29,657 Every year at Christmas, 153 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:32,661 I'd put on a little play for the parents with all the other kids. 154 00:07:33,287 --> 00:07:36,832 Gee whiz, Santa, do you think we can take off in this kind of snow? 155 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:40,502 Cut! Cut! Cut! Ricky! 156 00:07:40,586 --> 00:07:42,355 Grandma and grandpa are gonna be here in half an hour, 157 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,381 and you're still butchering my words. 158 00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:47,468 Looks like I'm gonna have to write, direct and star in this thing. 159 00:07:47,551 --> 00:07:49,553 Give me your elf hat. Go sit. 160 00:07:50,387 --> 00:07:52,806 I always secretly wanted to be an actor. 161 00:07:52,890 --> 00:07:55,517 It's one of those life dreams that just slipped away, I guess. 162 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,437 Listen, if you want, I could give you some tips on acting. 163 00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,564 Really? Oh! I'd love to. 164 00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:04,902 Okay, acting rule number one, don't be afraid to... 165 00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,488 At least someone's still excited aboutacfing. 166 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,239 I miss that. 167 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,659 So, you don't like playing Barney's son? 168 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,119 I hate it. But what can I do? 169 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:15,639 The phone just ain't ringing. 170 00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,289 Yeah, I know what you mean. 171 00:08:17,373 --> 00:08:18,791 I'm a newscaster. 172 00:08:18,916 --> 00:08:21,418 But I just had to take a job hosting a local morning show 173 00:08:21,502 --> 00:08:23,921 that airs at 4:30 in the morning. 174 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:28,217 I just thought I'd be so much further along by this point, you know? 175 00:08:28,342 --> 00:08:29,593 I'm almost 30. 176 00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,929 Come on, you still look great. 177 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,223 I love your nose job. 178 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,475 I never had a nose job. 179 00:08:36,767 --> 00:08:39,770 Right. Me neither. 180 00:08:41,939 --> 00:08:44,483 I can't believe we haven't met you before. 181 00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,735 Who knew Barney had such a great mom? 182 00:08:46,819 --> 00:08:48,153 Thanks, dear 183 00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,865 truth is, iwasn't always the best mother when I was younger. 184 00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:55,202 Oh, don't say that. I'm sure you were great. 185 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,246 Yeah, I was a bit of a whore. 186 00:08:57,788 --> 00:08:59,081 Excuse me? 187 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,875 A whore, dear. A dirty whore. 188 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,461 I'm not proud of it. 189 00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:08,424 But still I had some fun. 190 00:09:09,425 --> 00:09:11,301 There is no thrill equal 191 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:14,513 to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, 192 00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,974 "I don't know your name, you don't know mine, 193 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:20,018 "but for the next eight minutes, 194 00:09:20,102 --> 00:09:22,271 "we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom 195 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,481 "right off its foundation. 196 00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,736 "And then just drive off in opposite directions. 197 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,282 "Just keep driving." 198 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:36,827 Barney's mom? 199 00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,120 Loretta. Loretta. 200 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:39,204 Oh! 201 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,916 Anyway, that's all in the past now. 202 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,543 I did the best I could, 203 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:49,923 but sometimes I wonder how Barney turned out to be so perfect. 204 00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,260 You have to tell your mom the truth, okay? 205 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,888 Listen, she is a sweet, caring, 206 00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:57,347 slightly-too-graphic woman 207 00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,183 who deserves better. 208 00:09:59,475 --> 00:10:02,186 No. No way. The truth would kill her. 209 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:03,896 I don't feel right 210 00:10:03,979 --> 00:10:07,357 about lying to such a kindhearted woman, okay? 211 00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:09,693 She reminds me of my own mother. 212 00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:11,862 What? 213 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:13,238 "Kindhearted"? 214 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:16,992 Remember in our wedding vows when I said we'd be together forever? 215 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,911 Well, on our way back up the aisle, 216 00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:21,038 your mother leaned in and she said, 217 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:24,500 "not forever, sweetie. Marshall's going to heaven." 218 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,710 She was making a joke. 219 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:28,128 She hates me, Marshall. 220 00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,713 But that's okay because_. 221 00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:31,381 Never mind. 222 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:34,426 No. What were you gonna say? 223 00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:37,888 Nothing. Hey, do you want to go do it in Barney's childhood bedroom again? 224 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,556 On the racecar bed? 225 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:41,058 Handles great, buddy. 226 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,520 Look, lin, if today has taught us nothing else, 227 00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:48,273 it's that honesty is important when it comes to family. 228 00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:51,860 Now, whatever you're feeling towards my mother, 229 00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:55,239 we've been together for 12 years, baby. 230 00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:57,032 I think that I can handle it. 231 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,200 Really? 232 00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:00,244 Yeah. Okay. 233 00:11:01,411 --> 00:11:03,038 I hate your mom. 234 00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:05,457 Well, guess what? 235 00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:06,917 I hate you! 236 00:11:10,629 --> 00:11:12,339 Two-minute warning for meatloaf! 237 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,091 Meatloaf? 238 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:15,634 Tyler no iikey! 239 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:20,681 Grant, we have been over this a million times! 240 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,850 You are not getting a catchphrase! 241 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,226 But it's funny. 242 00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:27,729 Grant, I am not afraid to recast. 243 00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:31,400 Now go memorize your lines for the big dinner scene. 244 00:11:32,609 --> 00:11:35,195 Wait. So you wrote the dinner we're about to have? 245 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:36,905 Yeah, yeah. Just a short script. 246 00:11:36,989 --> 00:11:39,116 Just things that will make my mom happy to hear. 247 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:40,284 What kind of things? 248 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:44,746 And I really thought Barney had forgotten our anniversary. 249 00:11:44,830 --> 00:11:46,957 So I storm out to the backyard, 250 00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,126 and there's smoke coming out of my ears. 251 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,296 Nostrils flaring. Her nostrils flare when she gets mad. I love it. 252 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:55,132 Doing it right now. Doing it right now! 253 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,175 You better stop, mister! 254 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:58,302 Okay, okay. 255 00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,721 Sorry, sorry, boo bear. Continue. 256 00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,265 This is what you're actually like in a relationship. 257 00:12:03,432 --> 00:12:06,184 So I storm out to the backyard and... 258 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,981 Candles everywhere and a string quartet. 259 00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,025 Can you believe that? 260 00:12:13,108 --> 00:12:14,776 No, not even slightly. 261 00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:18,614 What about my little Ty-Ty? What have you been up to? 262 00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:19,948 Funny story, 263 00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:23,410 just the other night, this little rascal had a nightmare. 264 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,263 And when he came in to tell us what it was about... 265 00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:27,039 Do you remember what you said, champ? 266 00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,961 Page four. 267 00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:38,425 The dinosaur bones in the museum 268 00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,218 came to life and started chasing me? 269 00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:41,529 All right, thanks a lot, buddy. 270 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,597 I didn't need to sleep tonight. 271 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:47,100 No. Terr said, "my nightmare was 272 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:50,020 "that you and mommy didn't know how much I loved you. 273 00:12:50,187 --> 00:12:54,983 "So I wanted to come in and tell you it was this much." 274 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,818 Aw! That's so sweet. 275 00:12:56,902 --> 00:12:58,695 We're a sweet, happy family. 276 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:01,740 Okay, I'm gonna grab some ice cream from the freezer downstairs 277 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,903 and then we'll all hit the sundae bar in the kitchen. 278 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:11,625 Wow. Not a weak link in that scene. Bravo. 279 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,795 Back off, Barney. You have no idea how hard it is 280 00:13:14,878 --> 00:13:17,130 to do a job that's beneath you. 281 00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:20,801 Grant, I really enjoyed your thing about the dinosaur bones. 282 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:24,012 Can we please stop talking about the dinosaur bones? 283 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,765 Just go eat yoursundae. 284 00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:27,933 I can't. 285 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,310 I'm lactose intolerant. 286 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,814 Vveh, guess who's not lactose intolerant? Tyler. 287 00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:38,944 Terr is gonna go in there and enjoy every last bite. 288 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:40,570 Ice cream time, gang. 289 00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:42,322 Yummers! 290 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:45,909 Oh, my god! 291 00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,413 Tyler no iikey. 292 00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,707 You're not getting a catchphrase. 293 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,339 I don't understand. 294 00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:00,465 I do. 295 00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,214 Follow my lead. 296 00:14:05,262 --> 00:14:10,267 I've been betrayed by my best friend. 297 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,310 How could you do this, Ted? 298 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:17,607 Think about poor Tyler, bravely trying to hold back tears. 299 00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,236 It's okay, son, you can cry. 300 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:24,197 Cry! 301 00:14:25,657 --> 00:14:28,869 I don't want my mommy and daddy to get divorced! 302 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:31,747 Wow! 303 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,252 What could you possibly have to say for yourself? 304 00:14:38,462 --> 00:14:40,464 Acting rule number one, 305 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,299 don't be afraid to improvise. 306 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,343 Was it me who betrayed you, 307 00:14:46,928 --> 00:14:48,972 or you who betrayed me? 308 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:51,016 I'm sorry. What? 309 00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,810 Acting rule number five, 310 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,855 invent a rich back-story for your character. 311 00:14:57,647 --> 00:14:59,733 November 14th, 1998. 312 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,737 The overnight train to monte Carlo. 313 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:06,907 I was in the billiards car, 314 00:15:07,032 --> 00:15:10,202 hustling some Algerians out of a few thousand dinar, 315 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:14,081 when you seduced my fiancee, 316 00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:18,210 who is blind and thought you were me. 317 00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,419 Yes. 318 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,506 What in god's name are you talking about? 319 00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:24,591 Acting rule number eight, 320 00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:26,510 don't be afraid to get physical. 321 00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,972 You know damn well what I'm talking about! 322 00:15:31,056 --> 00:15:32,432 No, I don't! 323 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:37,938 Yes, you do! And, by god, I'll hear you say it, scoundrel! 324 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,233 Mom, can you give us a sec? 325 00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:42,400 Okay. 326 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:44,945 There's chocolate and butterscotch. 327 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,113 Okay, thanks. Now just... 328 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:48,907 There are various kinds of sprinkles and marshmallows. 329 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:49,991 Just_ 330 00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,537 Have you lost your mind? 331 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,456 You were amazing! 332 00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,209 You completely just became that character. 333 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,211 Honestly, iwasn't so much playing Ted 334 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,047 as I was just trying to get out of Ted's way. 335 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:05,757 What is wrong with you people? 336 00:16:05,841 --> 00:16:08,593 Ted, how am I ever gonna explain this to my mother? 337 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,346 Well, maybe it's time to tell her the truth, Barney. 338 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:14,558 I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people 339 00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,476 to say mean things about a woman 340 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,395 who always took special care of me 341 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,522 because I was the runt of the family. 342 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:23,900 For crying out loud, I'm only 6'4"! 343 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,446 How good was my crying? 344 00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:30,323 You nailed it. See? 345 00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:33,785 Even at a gig you hate, you still managed to love what you do. 346 00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,164 Maybe that's how it will be for you at your new job. 347 00:16:37,747 --> 00:16:38,999 You think so? 348 00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:40,167 I know so. 349 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,877 Thanks, Grant. 350 00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:44,629 You're pretty smart, you know that? 351 00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:49,509 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 352 00:16:49,593 --> 00:16:50,927 Sorry! Sorry! 353 00:16:51,052 --> 00:16:53,013 Thought I was picking up on something. 354 00:16:54,806 --> 00:16:56,183 Honey, are you okay? 355 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:59,853 Look, mom, there's something I have to tell you. 356 00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,565 Something I should have told you a long time ago. 357 00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,362 Tyler is dying. 358 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:14,242 And Betty said that when he goes, she's gonna off herself. 359 00:17:14,743 --> 00:17:17,370 So that's all probably gonna go down pretty soon. 360 00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:18,955 Oh, my god! 361 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,626 Okay, no. No! None of that is true! 362 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,669 The truth is, I... 363 00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:31,176 The truth is Betty and terr are actors 364 00:17:31,259 --> 00:17:33,970 that I hired to pretend to be my family. 365 00:17:34,512 --> 00:17:35,639 What? 366 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:38,600 I just wanted you to think I had the life 367 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:41,895 you wanted for me. I wanted you to be proud of me. 368 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:45,315 I know it sounds crazy, and I am so sorry, mom. 369 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,943 So Betty is not your wife? 370 00:17:49,945 --> 00:17:53,823 Thank god! I do not like that woman. 371 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,576 Really? Yes. 372 00:17:57,118 --> 00:17:58,745 And Tyler... 373 00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:02,707 I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, 374 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:05,877 but I hate that kid. "Tyler no iikey." 375 00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,587 What the hell is that? Right? 376 00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,881 And those fake friends of yours out there, 377 00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:11,967 I just wanted to shoot myself. 378 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,053 I know! Aren't they horrible? 379 00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,139 So really, really, you're not mad? 380 00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:20,100 No, I'm just confused. 381 00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,352 I don't know why you thought you had to do this. 382 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,605 Barney, I love you, perfect family or no perfect family. 383 00:18:25,689 --> 00:18:27,524 I love you no matter what. 384 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:30,193 Really? Really. 385 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:38,285 Oh, I am so relieved 386 00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:41,788 because the truth is I am as far from married 387 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,873 as a human being can possibly be. 388 00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:47,252 My history with women would shock and appall you. 389 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:49,004 Doesn't matter. I still love you. 390 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,965 Seriously, you can't imagine the things I have done. 391 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,676 Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter 392 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,345 and spent three weeks with grand funk railroad, 393 00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:59,889 being passed around like a bong. 394 00:18:59,973 --> 00:19:01,224 Mommy! 395 00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:05,937 Just do me a favor. If you ever do meet someone special, 396 00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:08,523 don't run away from it. Don't be me. 397 00:19:08,898 --> 00:19:10,859 Take a shot at it, will you? 398 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:13,903 Hey, Barney, cab's here. 399 00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:18,658 |'|| try. 400 00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:23,455 Ted: And so ended one of the strangest afternoons of our lives. 401 00:19:24,581 --> 00:19:26,833 And I just wanted to say to you, 402 00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:32,088 if I ever seemed cold or unwelcoming, I'm sorry. 403 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,548 Who's she talking to? 404 00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:34,716 My mom. 405 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:39,220 It would mean a lot to me if you and I could be closer. 406 00:19:40,221 --> 00:19:43,600 Now take a deep breath like this next thing is gonna be hard to say. 407 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,729 I love you. 408 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,564 I love you... 409 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:51,608 Mom. Yes. 410 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,276 Mom. 411 00:19:54,611 --> 00:19:56,196 Now pretend I said something nice. 412 00:19:56,279 --> 00:19:58,365 Now pretend I said something nice. 413 00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:00,367 I mean, 414 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:03,787 that's very nice of you to say, Judy. 415 00:20:04,371 --> 00:20:07,916 Okay. You, too. Speak soon. 416 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,760 Let me get this straight. You're really telling me 417 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,845 that when you watch the karate kid, 418 00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:22,555 you don't root for Daniel-San? 419 00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:23,807 Nope. 420 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,142 Who do you root for in die hard? 421 00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,394 Hans gruber, 422 00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,437 charming international bandit. 423 00:20:29,521 --> 00:20:31,314 At the end, he died hard. 424 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:33,149 He's the title character. 425 00:20:33,483 --> 00:20:36,403 Okay, the breakfast club. 426 00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:39,239 The teacher running detention. 427 00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:41,362 He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. 428 00:20:41,825 --> 00:20:44,494 Igotone. Terminator. 429 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,163 What's the name of the movie, Robin? 430 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,542 Who among us didn't shed a tear 431 00:20:50,625 --> 00:20:53,086 when his little red eye went out at the end 432 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,672 and he didn't get to kill those people? 433 00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,050 I'm sorry. That movie... 434 00:21:00,343 --> 00:21:02,846 I am never watching a movie with you ever again. 435 00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,515 They didn't even try to help him!