1 00:00:02,879 --> 00:00:04,463 Older Ted: Why do we fight? 2 00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:06,340 What is that thing deep within each of us 3 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:09,677 that compels us to settle disagreements with our fists? 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,096 Whatever it is, it's there right from the beginning. 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,557 Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting. 6 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,019 Becauseifs stupid and juvenile. 7 00:00:18,102 --> 00:00:20,438 We're six. We are stupid andjuvenhe. 8 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:23,983 Okay, okay. 9 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,360 Kids, I've only been in one fight in my life, 10 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,696 and this is the story of how it happened. 11 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,324 Now, as you know, lhad recently been left at the altar. 12 00:00:31,407 --> 00:00:33,576 And the worst thing about getting left at the altar, 13 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,953 I mean, aside from actually getting left at the altar, 14 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:37,622 was what came next. 15 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:41,375 A steady, unrelenting, unbearable stream of pity. 16 00:00:41,459 --> 00:00:43,794 Cranberry gin and tonic. 17 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,590 Scotch and soda. 18 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,052 Thank you. 19 00:00:54,013 --> 00:00:55,264 Can I see a menu? 20 00:00:55,348 --> 00:00:58,768 Ted, I'm going to go get you a menu, 21 00:00:59,310 --> 00:01:02,563 but I promise you, I will come back. 22 00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,194 Okay, we have to start going some place else. 23 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,572 At this bar, I'm always gonna be the guy who got left at the altar. 24 00:01:11,656 --> 00:01:12,656 That sucks! 25 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,408 Good times. 26 00:01:14,492 --> 00:01:16,911 Uh-oh. We lost Barney. What do you mean? 27 00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:19,247 There's a girl over there in a tight red sweater. 28 00:01:19,330 --> 00:01:22,333 So he's not listening to a word anyone's saying. Right, Barney? 29 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,501 Gimme a break! 30 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,879 See, he figured out a while back he could fake an entire conversation 31 00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:29,799 just by saying titles of black sitcoms from the 705 and '805. 32 00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,092 What's happening? 33 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,804 Hey, Barney, want to go upstairs and do stuff to me 34 00:01:34,887 --> 00:01:36,555 that I won't even let Marshall do? 35 00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:38,849 Huh. Different strokes. 36 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,520 What the hell is this? 37 00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,456 Older Ted: I've told you kids about Doug, right? 38 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:46,107 I haven 't? Oh, well. 39 00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:50,820 Doug Martin was a bartender at maclaren's. He was always kind of around. 40 00:01:50,903 --> 00:01:52,280 Have you met Ted? 41 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:54,132 No. No, no, no. We're not playing, "have you met Ted?" 42 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:56,409 Am I dead? Am I dead? 43 00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:57,493 Hey. 44 00:01:57,576 --> 00:02:00,413 Tonight, I pick up a lesbian. 45 00:02:00,997 --> 00:02:03,666 Anyway, three things you need to know about Doug. 46 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,294 The first thing is that Doug had a bit of a violent streak. 47 00:02:06,377 --> 00:02:08,017 Crumbled, so he's on the ground, right? 48 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:10,023 And we're just kicking him, just putting the boots to him. 49 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,466 Yeah, he's making that face, all shaking. 50 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:15,553 So, anyway, what we did was, we left him there. 51 00:02:16,262 --> 00:02:17,680 Top you up? 52 00:02:18,431 --> 00:02:22,310 The second thing is that he was weird about his hair. 53 00:02:22,393 --> 00:02:23,519 What? 54 00:02:23,602 --> 00:02:24,645 What? 55 00:02:24,729 --> 00:02:26,605 Are you looking at my hair? 56 00:02:26,689 --> 00:02:28,691 No, sir. I was not. 57 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,235 It's a toupee. 58 00:02:32,278 --> 00:02:34,280 Is that funny? You want to laugh it up? 59 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,823 Is it funny, guy? 60 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,491 I tell you what, why don't you grab it? 61 00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:38,935 Excuse me? Yeah, go ahead, grab it. 62 00:02:38,993 --> 00:02:41,245 Grab it right off my head. Go ahead. 63 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,539 You don't want to grab it? Come on. 64 00:02:43,622 --> 00:02:46,167 Come on, go ahead and grab it. Want to grab it off my head? 65 00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:48,961 Grab my toupee right off my head. 66 00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:55,760 I like you guys! 67 00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,013 But the third thing is that he was very loyal to his regulars. 68 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,015 Hey, hey! There they are! Hey, man. 69 00:03:01,098 --> 00:03:02,308 Hey, you guys want your booth? 70 00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:03,434 No. We're fine over here. 71 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:04,518 Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. 72 00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:05,686 Maybe a little too loyal. 73 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,646 No.no no, wsfinejfsfine 74 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:10,191 okay, you two lovebirds, let's take this somewhere else. 75 00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,901 Booth's reserved. 76 00:03:11,984 --> 00:03:13,652 Let's go! Now! Come on! 77 00:03:13,736 --> 00:03:15,738 Give me some hustle, father! Up you get. 78 00:03:15,821 --> 00:03:17,448 Okay, guys, here we are. 79 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:19,658 So, that's Doug. 80 00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:20,868 What the hell is this? 81 00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,787 Oh. Some guys are sitting in our booth. 82 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,622 But you know what? This is fine. 83 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,835 It's cool, I'll take care of it. Okay? 84 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,380 Oh, boy, there he goes. 85 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:33,714 Man 1: It's not... 86 00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:35,078 Man 2: Why are you yelling at us? 87 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,301 Okay, let's go. 88 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,469 Okay, okay. 89 00:03:39,804 --> 00:03:42,264 Ladies, if you'll please adjourn to your usual booth. 90 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:44,809 Gentlemen, I will require your assistance outside. 91 00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,893 Our assistance with what? 92 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,896 We're going to go out in the alley and fight those guys. 93 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,439 What's happening now? 94 00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:06,455 I'm sorry, did you just say... 95 00:04:06,539 --> 00:04:09,250 Those guys are being inconsiderate, okay? 96 00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:12,169 So we're going to go outside and cave in their skulls, okay? 97 00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:14,004 This will be fun! 98 00:04:16,382 --> 00:04:17,925 He wants us to fight? 99 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,261 Like, with our hands and stuff? 100 00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:23,055 And feet, maybe? I don't know what the rules are. 101 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:25,850 Wow, a fight. Should we go out there? 102 00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,103 Come on, Ted. There's only three things you'll ever see me fight. 103 00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:31,439 The stubborn clasp of a bra, 104 00:04:31,522 --> 00:04:35,443 sexual harassment charges, nine for nine, 105 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:40,364 and the urge to vomit when I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit. 106 00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,326 Marshall? Dude, fighting is for losers. 107 00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:47,329 We're civilized guys. Civilized guys don't fight. 108 00:04:47,413 --> 00:04:50,541 Unless it's with lightsabers. But that's like three to five years away, so... 109 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,168 Well, that's not true. 110 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:54,128 Robin, I'm on the forums every day. 111 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,651 Three to five thanksgivings from now, 112 00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:57,798 I'm gonna be carving the Turkey with old green. 113 00:04:59,383 --> 00:05:02,928 No, I'm saying there are plenty of legitimate reasons to get in a fight. 114 00:05:03,012 --> 00:05:04,305 It might not be pretty, 115 00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,974 but in certain situations, you gotta do what you gotta do. 116 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,352 Oh. Right, I forgot. She thinks fighting's sexy. 117 00:05:10,436 --> 00:05:12,313 No, I do not, a lot. 118 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:15,691 Look, I come from a culture of hockey players. 119 00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:19,653 If a guy can throw down, it's somewhat way hot. 120 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,323 And scars, hello! 121 00:05:22,406 --> 00:05:24,533 If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin. 122 00:05:24,617 --> 00:05:27,828 And if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants. 123 00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:31,373 I'm missing my wisdom teeth. 124 00:05:31,916 --> 00:05:35,002 Outpatient procedure. Local anesthesia. 125 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,046 Whatever. It ain't a thing. 126 00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,108 Look, maybe we should go out there. 127 00:05:40,132 --> 00:05:43,135 I can't believe we're even having this discussion. 128 00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:44,803 Ted, you're 30. 129 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,805 You're too old to act like this. 130 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:50,142 Older Ted: I was 30, and in those 30 years I'd been punched once. 131 00:05:50,601 --> 00:05:52,770 There's a very simple... 132 00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,438 There was that thing at camp. 133 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,525 Today, we're going to braid friendship bracelets. 134 00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:00,819 In college, I studied some kung fu. 135 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,619 And, well, there was some other stuff 136 00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:11,455 Come on. Come... 137 00:06:13,582 --> 00:06:15,702 The thing with the goat wasn't for another few months. 138 00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,753 The point is, lhad never been in a fight. 139 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,880 I'm going out there. No! 140 00:06:19,964 --> 00:06:22,716 Listen to me, please, trust me. I've been in plenty of fights. 141 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,052 It's really nothing to be proud of. 142 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:27,179 Who did you get in a fight with? 143 00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:28,264 My brothers. 144 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:33,852 Yes, I'm sure that was quite a rumble in the Eriksen rumpus room. 145 00:06:35,271 --> 00:06:36,772 I love brotherly horseplay! 146 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:38,691 Here comes the tickle monster! 147 00:06:38,774 --> 00:06:40,484 Noogie patrol! 148 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:43,988 Wait, wait, wait! Timesies! Timesies! 149 00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:46,031 Cocoa break. 150 00:06:49,535 --> 00:06:51,161 Cocoa break. 151 00:06:52,538 --> 00:06:54,540 Okay, it's clobbering time. 152 00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:57,459 Ted, don't do this, you're a nice guy. 153 00:06:57,543 --> 00:06:58,711 That's your best quality. 154 00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:00,004 Is it? 155 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,649 'Cause I seem to remember this nice guy getting dumped by his fiancee 156 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:06,552 for a tae Kwon do instructor. Look, this may sound crazy, 157 00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,012 but I think I need to do this. 158 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:10,931 I think this is an experience I need to have. 159 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,516 I'm going. 160 00:07:16,312 --> 00:07:17,521 Me, too! 161 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,651 Guys, take a good look at this face, 162 00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:24,004 because the next time you see it, 163 00:07:24,028 --> 00:07:27,948 it will be disfigured in the hottest possible way. 164 00:07:28,032 --> 00:07:30,534 'Cause that's who I am, I'm a man. 165 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:34,413 I like to fight and mix it up and get all dirty. 166 00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:38,459 Could you find a wood hanger for this? 167 00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:43,756 Whoa! What happened here? 168 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:45,090 I know, right? 169 00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:47,134 Who's not looking at my toupee now? 170 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,136 Look what we did to these guys. 171 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,763 We? Yeah, we. 172 00:07:50,846 --> 00:07:54,558 Come on, man, we're a good team. Nice work, boys, we did it! 173 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:57,311 No, no, you did it. We didn't do anything. 174 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,688 Okay, yeah. Yeah, sure, 175 00:07:59,772 --> 00:08:01,815 I just beat up three guys by myself. 176 00:08:01,899 --> 00:08:03,442 You guys. That's good. 177 00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:07,571 You and you, free drinks for life. 178 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,370 He thinks we were in this fight with him. 179 00:08:14,453 --> 00:08:17,039 We were in this fight with him. 180 00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:19,249 And now we are going to go in there and tell everyone 181 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:22,503 the legendary tale of how we beat up some guys. 182 00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:24,147 And everyone is going to think it's great 183 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,006 and everyone is going to sleep with me again. 184 00:08:26,090 --> 00:08:29,343 Dude, come on, no one is gonna believe we were in a fight, look at us. 185 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,969 That's a good... 186 00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:33,389 What are you doing? 187 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:35,057 What I should've done a long time ago. 188 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,141 What? 189 00:08:36,225 --> 00:08:37,619 I don't know. I just hit myself in the eye! 190 00:08:37,643 --> 00:08:38,963 I don't even know what I'm saying! 191 00:08:40,938 --> 00:08:43,023 I throw an awesome right hook, by the way. 192 00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:44,900 Okay, are you ready? To go back in? 193 00:08:44,983 --> 00:08:46,026 No, for this. 194 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:50,823 You just punched me in the nose! 195 00:08:50,906 --> 00:08:52,783 Are you crying? Yes, I'm crying! 196 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,160 You just punched me in the nose. 197 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:56,638 Oh, that's going to swell up real good. 198 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:57,889 You're gonna look like Owen Wilson. 199 00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,015 Okay, let's get back in there. 200 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,875 Okay, but just, let's play this down, okay? 201 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,561 I don't want this to turn into a big thing. 202 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,129 Yeah. 203 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:08,507 Doug: And Ted comes and takes his shoe off! Hits him in the mouth... 204 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,801 Hey, there they are! The guys that got my back! 205 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:27,401 You two got in a fight. Really? 206 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:29,695 No, Barney punched me and himself in the face 207 00:09:29,778 --> 00:09:31,131 to make it look like we got in a fight. 208 00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:32,906 Come on, Marshall. 209 00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:36,076 Wow. Look at your eye. 210 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:38,036 You look like a badass. 211 00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:40,581 I'm surprised to see you had it in me. 212 00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:42,583 You. Had it in you. 213 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,962 Do you want to touch it? 214 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,177 Oh, my god, it's warm. 215 00:09:54,553 --> 00:09:56,555 Hey, victory drinks. 216 00:09:57,514 --> 00:10:01,727 Free! Free! Free! Free! 217 00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:03,020 $7.50. 218 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,397 Why do I have to pay? 219 00:10:05,481 --> 00:10:08,901 'Cause you don't got my back. These guys got my back. 220 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:10,024 Okay, you know what, Doug? 221 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,468 I will gladly pay. And you know why? 222 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:13,113 Because that's what grownups do. 223 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:15,908 They pay for their drinks and they don't get into fights. 224 00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,261 You know what I was doing while you were out there being immature? 225 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,204 Phtehyou what I was doing. Your nails? 226 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,623 No. I was doing... 227 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:25,125 The relationship quiz in this month's cosmo? 228 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:26,502 No. I was doing... 229 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,837 Your best not to cry when big came back for Carrie 230 00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,356 at the end of the sex and the city movie? 231 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,925 No. Spoilers much? No. 232 00:10:33,008 --> 00:10:34,301 I'll tell you what I was doing... 233 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:35,803 The captain of the football team, 234 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,197 because he gave you his promise ring 235 00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:40,224 and you looked so pretty in your open-back homecoming dress? 236 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,144 Sorry. 237 00:10:45,562 --> 00:10:47,314 I hate those guys. 238 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,566 Acting like they're the manliest guys in the universe, 239 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,653 like they're crocodile dundee and David Hasselhoff. 240 00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:55,239 Those are the manliest guys in the universe? 241 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,217 I don't understand why they're getting all this attention. 242 00:10:57,241 --> 00:10:59,827 I mean, I'm the real hero here. 243 00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:00,994 Yeah, you are. 244 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:04,081 I'm serious, woman. Put it back in your pants. 245 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:09,002 Marshall, you're the man every boy should grow up to become 246 00:11:09,086 --> 00:11:11,255 and every girl should marry. 247 00:11:12,256 --> 00:11:14,174 You know what? I have two kids 248 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,009 in my class who won't stop fighting. 249 00:11:16,093 --> 00:11:18,804 If you come to school tomorrow and tell them your story 250 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,931 of choosing the path of nonviolence, 251 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,016 it might really set them straight. 252 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:26,645 And save me having to get up early to make a lesson plan. 253 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:30,732 All right. Okay. I'll set them straight. 254 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,234 You're a wuss. 255 00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,777 What? No. 256 00:11:34,444 --> 00:11:37,990 Mahatma panda and Martin Luther koala are telling you kids this story 257 00:11:38,115 --> 00:11:41,159 to illustrate... to illustrate that you're a wuss? 258 00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:43,495 Why didn't you just fight those guys? 259 00:11:43,579 --> 00:11:45,789 Were you scared? What? 260 00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:49,751 No. I wasn't scared. 261 00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:51,670 I've been in plenty of fights, okay? 262 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,046 You're huge. 263 00:11:53,130 --> 00:11:56,091 You must weigh like a thousand pounds. 264 00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:00,846 Okay, first of all, I'm wearing a baggy sweater, 265 00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:03,223 andithas horizontal stripes. 266 00:12:03,307 --> 00:12:05,225 And I also... I had a salty lunch... 267 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:07,519 And so I'm retain... You know what? Shut up! 268 00:12:07,603 --> 00:12:09,146 Wuss! Wuss! Wuss! 269 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:19,323 Wow. So, you just beat those guys up? 270 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:20,824 Just? 271 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:26,580 Amanda, were it so simple. You see, hand-to-hand combat 272 00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:29,416 is about so much more than just administering brute force 273 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:30,579 on your opponent, right, b? 274 00:12:30,626 --> 00:12:31,919 You know! 275 00:12:32,002 --> 00:12:33,545 It's a science. 276 00:12:34,212 --> 00:12:36,465 The sweet science, as it were. 277 00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,799 Wait, I'm confused. 278 00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,801 What did those guys do to deserve it? 279 00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,554 Well, this may sound petty, 280 00:12:43,597 --> 00:12:45,891 but they sat in our booth. They sat in our booth. 281 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,559 And nobody... nobody. 282 00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:51,146 Sits in our booth. It's been taken. 283 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,943 Uh-oh. Are you gonna beat those guys up? 284 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:03,367 Yes, we are gonna beat those guys up. Ted, come on. 285 00:13:06,203 --> 00:13:10,332 You two. Our booth. Get out. Now! 286 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,542 What are you doing? Relax, we got Doug. 287 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,671 Big Doug's got our backs. Doug's not here tonight. 288 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,464 Can I get you guys anything? Drinks? 289 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,466 Cash? Those two girls over there? 290 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:21,551 Are you Ted mosby? 291 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:23,595 Yeah, I am. 292 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:25,389 And you're Barney Stinson? 293 00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:28,141 They've heard of us. It's cool, guys. 294 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,520 We'll let you leave with your asses unkicked. 295 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,064 This time. A'ight? 296 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:38,819 What's this? You've been served. 297 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,445 You're being sued for assault. 298 00:13:40,529 --> 00:13:42,698 Enjoy your booth. 299 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,414 That was close. 300 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:57,129 Assault! They're suing us for assault! 301 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:59,548 Okay, what's the penalty for assault? 302 00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:01,091 What, do I have to pay a fine? 303 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:05,387 Pick up trash on the highway? 'Cause I've done that before, know what I mean? 304 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:06,680 I don't know. 305 00:14:06,763 --> 00:14:09,075 Older Ted: Actually, he did know that the worst we were looking at 306 00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,227 was a small civil settlement and probably no criminal charges. 307 00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,854 But he was really pissed at us. 308 00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:17,024 I mean, you guys could be looking at some serious prison time. 309 00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:19,401 Pflson? I can't go to prison. 310 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,737 I mean, I could get a lot of reading done, 311 00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:23,739 finally write some short stories. 312 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,866 Work out all the time. Seriously, if I don't 313 00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:27,260 come out of there completely ripped... 314 00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,953 Ted, we can't go to prison. 315 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,913 People get shivved in the joint. 316 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:35,751 Plus, the meals are really starchy. 317 00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:37,544 Well, you guys should have thought of that 318 00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,629 before you beat up those guys. 319 00:14:41,673 --> 00:14:43,258 What if we didn't? 320 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,135 Didn't what, Ted? Didn't beat up those guys. 321 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,780 What if Doug beat up those guys all by himself and we didn't do anything? 322 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:51,224 I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! 323 00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:53,477 You guys didn't throw a single punch. 324 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,021 Well, I hit Ted and myself, so... 325 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:58,315 Well, who's the wuss now? 326 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,317 Answer? You guys. 327 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,235 Look, can you just help us get out of this? 328 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:03,570 You know the old expression, 329 00:15:03,653 --> 00:15:06,740 "if you're not prepared to do the time don't pretend to do the crime 330 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,285 "and laugh and get free drinks and not stand up for your friend 331 00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:13,997 "who, incidentally, has been in plenty of fights with his brothers." 332 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,585 Look, you've got to help us out, Marshall. 333 00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:21,379 We're the three musketeers. Yeah. 334 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:24,633 If I give up Ted, how much time am I looking at? 335 00:15:24,716 --> 00:15:26,301 Hey. Hey, guys. 336 00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:27,511 Hey. 337 00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:30,972 Hey, Barney. I've been looking for you. 338 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:34,267 I got tickets to this hockey game tonight. 339 00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:36,645 It's stupid. You want to go? 340 00:15:36,728 --> 00:15:39,731 It might go kind of late, so maybe after the game we can grab a drink? 341 00:15:39,815 --> 00:15:43,110 Oh, hey, Robin, get this. You know that fight? 342 00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,363 These guys faked the whole thing. 343 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:53,036 Oh. Oh. 344 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,413 I forgot. Tonight is no good. 345 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:59,126 I can't go to that hockey game tonight, I got that... 346 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,381 That... that... 347 00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:07,801 That_ 348 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:13,056 That... that... 349 00:16:18,395 --> 00:16:20,522 Good news. I talked to the guys. 350 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,732 What guys? The guys you didn't beat up. 351 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,109 They agreed to drop the lawsuit. 352 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,277 Boom! 353 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,528 Lawyered. 354 00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:27,771 What? They agreed to drop it? 355 00:16:27,821 --> 00:16:31,032 Yeah, I just explained that you two are wusses. 356 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:33,827 We had a good laugh about that. A good long laugh, actually. 357 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:37,038 I explained how you get a mani-pedi once a month. 358 00:16:37,122 --> 00:16:39,666 Weekly, Wolverine. Some of us care. 359 00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:42,544 And how you played the hammer dulcimer 360 00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,297 in the pre-reformation dance society at wesleyan. 361 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:48,175 Did you at least tell them we were one of the premier medieval 362 00:16:48,258 --> 00:16:50,010 chamber groups in the little ivies? 363 00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:51,178 Oh, I did. 364 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,888 And we all agreed it was much more likely 365 00:16:52,971 --> 00:16:54,365 that one guy beat up the three of them 366 00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,809 than that you two had anything to do with it, so... 367 00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:00,854 Wait, so now they're only suing Doug? 368 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,522 Affirmative. 369 00:17:02,606 --> 00:17:06,193 Angry, irrational, violent Doug, 370 00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,988 who now knows we were the ones who threw him under the bus. 371 00:17:10,322 --> 00:17:11,364 They what? 372 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,075 Look, Doug, we can explain... 373 00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,660 Explain what? 374 00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:18,705 Explain how you stabbed me in the back right to my face? 375 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:20,290 Robin, I'm scared. 376 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:21,958 Yeah. Is Doug seeing anyone? 377 00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:24,628 Are you seeing anyone? You really should. 378 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,755 Doug, look, you don't understand, 379 00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:29,174 you beat up those guys all by yourself. 380 00:17:29,257 --> 00:17:31,509 It's true, all right? They had nothing to do with it. 381 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:34,304 I mean, look at these two. 382 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,807 It was all Ted! 383 00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,603 Look at this guy. Yeah, look at me. 384 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:43,730 He wouldn't last five minutes in a fight. 385 00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,041 I think I could last at least five... 386 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:47,525 He's got the muscle definition of iinguini. 387 00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:51,321 Yeah, iinguini with meatballs, maybe. Check it. 388 00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:52,781 Ted.ted. 389 00:17:52,864 --> 00:17:54,324 Look! Don't. 390 00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,452 Okay, you know what? Maybe it was just me. 391 00:17:57,535 --> 00:17:58,930 Actually, you know what? That makes a lot of sense. 392 00:17:58,954 --> 00:18:00,080 I tend to black out a lot. 393 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:03,041 Anyway, look, I always got your back. 394 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:05,585 All I ask in return is that you got mine. 395 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:08,004 But you know what? You don't. 396 00:18:09,172 --> 00:18:11,758 You can't be counted on. 397 00:18:11,883 --> 00:18:14,469 No wonder your fiancee left you. 398 00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:15,738 Older Ted: And here it is, kids, 399 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,889 the only fight I've ever been in. 400 00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:20,809 So what can I share about the experience? 401 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:26,523 Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face, 402 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,859 it hurts your hand a lot. 403 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,614 But what hurts even more than that? 404 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,157 This. 405 00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,245 And the next thing I remember was waking up. 406 00:18:40,578 --> 00:18:43,581 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 407 00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:47,836 Ted: Turns out getting in a fight was a terrible idea. 408 00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:51,548 And that's my story. And what did you learn? 409 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:56,052 Well, I learned that fighting is bad 410 00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,221 and you shouldn't do it, ever. 411 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,724 Any questions? 412 00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:01,850 Yeah. 413 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:04,060 Where do you find these people? 414 00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:05,312 I know! 415 00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,647 Was there a big sale at the wuss market? 416 00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:09,816 Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss! Vvuss! 417 00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:13,414 Older Ted: Of course, I didn't tell those kids what really happened. 418 00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:17,615 Okay, I'm all warmed up. Let's do this thing. 419 00:19:19,451 --> 00:19:21,328 What happened? 420 00:19:21,411 --> 00:19:22,579 This happened. 421 00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:28,209 Holy crap! 422 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,771 Older Ted: Yeah, turns out uncle Marshall and his brothers 423 00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,315 did a little more than just roughhouse. 424 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,764 Cocoa break! 425 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,192 Marshall looks good. Has he lost weight? 426 00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,651 Bitch, don't even... 427 00:19:55,445 --> 00:19:57,256 Older Ted: Kids, I'd love to leave you with the message 428 00:19:57,280 --> 00:20:01,034 that fighting is bad and you shouldn't do it, but I know that's pointless. 429 00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:02,619 So, I'll leave you with this. 430 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,205 Don't ever get in a fight with uncle Marshall. 431 00:20:05,288 --> 00:20:07,332 That guy's freaking crazy. 432 00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:14,714 It is so good to be home. 433 00:20:14,798 --> 00:20:17,550 Mom, Lily, fantasticjob. 434 00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:20,136 Good food, good meat, good god, let's eat. Right? 435 00:20:20,220 --> 00:20:22,472 Okay, here we go. Goggles on. 436 00:20:28,019 --> 00:20:30,563 All right, so, you guys pass the plates. 437 00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,565 Lily, you want white or dark meat? 438 00:20:32,649 --> 00:20:35,151 Dark! Honey, please be careful.