1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:05,464
I am not impressed with
the talent in here tonight.

2
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,050
And the more I drink,
the less attractive they get.

3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,888
I'm one scotch and soda away
from the cantina scene in star wars.

4
00:00:11,971 --> 00:00:14,182
What about those girls
over there? They're hot.

5
00:00:14,265 --> 00:00:15,933
They're not hot.
Are you kidding?

6
00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:19,562
I hated their guts the second I
saw them. Which means they're hot.

7
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:23,649
In fact, I hated them almost as much
as I hated Robin when I first met her.

8
00:00:23,733 --> 00:00:25,651
A lot. You hated me?

9
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,780
Barney, they're hot.

10
00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:32,575
Oh, there is so
much to teach you all.

11
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:37,121
You have just become
victims of the cheerleader effect.

12
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,165
Glad you asked.
The cheerleader effect

13
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:43,211
is when group of women
seems hot but only as a group.

14
00:00:43,294 --> 00:00:44,420
Just like with cheerleaders.

15
00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:48,132
They seem hot, but take
each one of them individually?

16
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:49,634
Sled dogs.

17
00:00:49,759 --> 00:00:51,177
Thatsinsane.

18
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,679
Take a good, hard look
at each one of those girls.

19
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,264
Individually.

20
00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:16,535
I don't know. The one on
the end is kind of cute.

21
00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,371
Yeah, she really is.

22
00:01:18,829 --> 00:01:21,415
And that, my friends,
is the cheerleader effect.

23
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:24,126
Also known as
the bridesmaid paradox,

24
00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:27,672
sorority girl syndrome, and for
a brief window in the mid-90s,

25
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,715
the spice girls conspiracy.

26
00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:31,676
Scary spice indeed.

27
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:42,186
Barney Stinson.
Hi. Okay. Got it.

28
00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:45,773
Great, we'll be in touch.

29
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,109
Hah.

30
00:01:48,192 --> 00:01:49,735
What?

31
00:01:49,819 --> 00:01:51,320
Apparently, I'm gonna be a dad.

32
00:02:06,752 --> 00:02:08,146
What do you mean,
you're gonna be a dad?

33
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,630
How did this happen?

34
00:02:09,714 --> 00:02:12,842
It was just some girl I hooked
up with a few weeks back.

35
00:02:12,925 --> 00:02:15,195
She's not sure. She's gonna
go to the doctor in the morning.

36
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:18,097
Maybe it's a false alarm.
Maybe she's not pregnant.

37
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,474
Lily, no part of Barney Stinson

38
00:02:20,558 --> 00:02:22,768
does anything less
than 110 percent.

39
00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:26,689
If one of my little Michael phelpses
got loose, he's swimming for the gold.

40
00:02:27,064 --> 00:02:29,317
This is a nightmare.
I don't want kids.

41
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,403
Who in their right mind
would ever want kids?

42
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:36,032
Older Ted: Now, when you turn 30 and you're
in a couple, a strange thing happens.

43
00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:39,076
You start to see
babies everywhere.

44
00:02:52,465 --> 00:02:53,924
Oh, come on.

45
00:02:54,592 --> 00:02:57,678
Older Ted: Yes, Marshall and
Lily were coming down with baby fever.

46
00:02:57,762 --> 00:02:59,430
And their new
neighbors weren't helping.

47
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,766
Did you lose a sock
there, little dude?

48
00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:07,938
That is without a doubt the
cutest little thing I've ever seen.

49
00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:09,482
There's my little peanut.

50
00:03:09,565 --> 00:03:11,626
Older Ted: That night they
sat down to have a serious,

51
00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,736
practical discussion
about having kids.

52
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:17,948
So, if we have a baby, do you
think you could work fewer hours?

53
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:20,368
Doesn't matter. He's
gonna be so cute,

54
00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:23,037
I'm gonna eat him
up on the first day.

55
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:27,041
Okay. But what about money?
We're still in a ton of debt.

56
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:31,045
Well, we'll count our overdue
bills on his Teenie, tiny fingers.

57
00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:33,756
Let's have a baby.

58
00:03:38,135 --> 00:03:40,304
Oh, right now? Oh, okay.

59
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,158
Older Ted: There was
just one thing in their way.

60
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:45,559
Scootch over, I TiVo'd the view.

61
00:03:47,019 --> 00:03:51,023
Older Ted: And that thing happened to
be unemployed and sleeping on their couch.

62
00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:58,697
So, romn, how's the job
and apartment search going?

63
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,450
Oh, you didn't hear? I'm
the lead anchor on CNN.

64
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:05,413
And I got a penthouse overlooking
central park made of gold.

65
00:04:05,496 --> 00:04:08,249
Get your head out
of your ass, Marshall.

66
00:04:08,624 --> 00:04:12,420
They realized if they were going to
start a family, they had to plan ahead.

67
00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:16,340
So, romn, would you mind
crashing at Ted's tomorrow night?

68
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:19,677
I'm cooking Marshall
a special dinner.

69
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,929
Just dinner.
That's it. Nothing else.

70
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,264
Robin: Fine.

71
00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:25,641
But you better not be
as uptight as these idiots

72
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,601
about me shooting
beer cans on the roof.

73
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:29,562
"Oh, it hurts my ears.

74
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,564
"The neighbors called the cops.

75
00:04:31,647 --> 00:04:33,566
"You almost hit me."

76
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:37,069
Enjoy her, Ted. She's in
a real good place right now.

77
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:44,118
God, it's me, Barney. What up?

78
00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:47,455
I know we don't talk much,

79
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,583
though a lot of girls call out
your name because of me.

80
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:53,252
Awesome. But, god,

81
00:04:55,004 --> 00:04:57,798
if you could get me out of this,

82
00:04:57,882 --> 00:05:03,137
I swear I will never ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

83
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,812
Ooh! Hang on,
bro. Go for Barney.

84
00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:17,485
Really?

85
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,705
Marshall, great
news! I'm not a father!

86
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:31,874
Congratulations, buddy.

87
00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,668
This is the happiest
moment of my life, Marshall.

88
00:05:34,752 --> 00:05:37,671
The way ifeelabout
not having kids?

89
00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,174
I never knew I could
love something this much.

90
00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,260
That's why I'm
creating a holiday.

91
00:05:43,344 --> 00:05:47,306
From now on, today will be
known as "not a father's day."

92
00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:49,308
Wow. You're creating a holiday?

93
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:53,687
Yeah, why not? Everyone else
gets a day. Mothers, fathers, bastilles.

94
00:05:53,771 --> 00:05:57,024
Why can't there be a day for people
who are single and like it that way?

95
00:05:57,107 --> 00:06:00,361
Well, now you just sound like
the chubby girl on Valentine's day.

96
00:06:00,444 --> 00:06:01,820
Hello, Stinson.

97
00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:03,656
Hey, Nolan. How are the kids?

98
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:08,410
You ready for tonight,
Eriksen? Big merger.

99
00:06:08,494 --> 00:06:11,872
Well, that's between
me and my wife, sir.

100
00:06:11,956 --> 00:06:14,208
No. The meeting
with Mr. Li. Tonight.

101
00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:15,810
I thought that was
a breakfast meeting.

102
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,086
It is. Breakfast in China.

103
00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:18,921
We're teleconferencing
with the Chinese.

104
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,923
I'm counting on you, kid.

105
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,344
Marshall?

106
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,470
Hey, babe.

107
00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:28,556
It's breakfast time in China.

108
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,140
Yeah, it is.

109
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:32,518
Not a euphemism. Look, I...

110
00:06:32,810 --> 00:06:34,228
Wait, what would that even mean?

111
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:37,565
I don't know, hot buns, spicy
pork? There's something there.

112
00:06:38,816 --> 00:06:40,901
You're not coming
home tonight, are you?

113
00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:44,947
Are you shaking your head no?

114
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,033
I thought so.

115
00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:51,787
Thank you, guys, for
coming over so fast.

116
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:54,373
Yeah, are you all right? You
sounded upset on the phone.

117
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:59,712
Marshall and I made this
big decision to have dinner.

118
00:06:59,795 --> 00:07:03,507
And I thought I was
ready to have dinner.

119
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,468
But then he called and
canceled, and it got me thinking.

120
00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:09,680
Is it too early for
us to have dinner?

121
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,367
Well, I had an early lunch,
so I'm ready for dinner.

122
00:07:12,391 --> 00:07:15,227
Dinner is a baby!
Lily, that's horrible!

123
00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:19,440
No, no, I need you guys to
figure something out for me.

124
00:07:19,523 --> 00:07:21,066
What?

125
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:23,360
Are Marshall and I
ready to have a baby?

126
00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:32,161
Soam Marshall and I
ready to have a baby or not?

127
00:07:32,244 --> 00:07:34,622
Lily, we can't make
this decision for you.

128
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:36,415
It's huge.
You know what else is huge?

129
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:40,127
Marshall's head. That thing's the
size of a late August watermelon.

130
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:42,296
Marshall's baby
coming through there?

131
00:07:44,590 --> 00:07:45,674
What does Marshall think?

132
00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:50,471
Probably a lot in that 1950s space
helmet of a head he's walking around with.

133
00:07:50,554 --> 00:07:52,556
Marshall's really excited.

134
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:55,517
But I think he only sees
what's cute about having a baby,

135
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:56,810
not what's hard about it.

136
00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,980
Like the other day, while Marshall
was playing with baby Jeremy,

137
00:08:00,064 --> 00:08:01,649
I was talking to Jeremy's mom.

138
00:08:01,732 --> 00:08:03,192
Thanks so much
for inviting us over.

139
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:05,319
I have not talked to
another adult in, like, weeks.

140
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,756
Well, besides my husband.
But "it's your turn to change him"

141
00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:10,824
and "make him shut up" really
doesn't count as conversation.

142
00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:11,992
Sorry, I'm rambling.

143
00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:13,511
I haven't gotten
laid in seven months.

144
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,372
Oh! I just did it again!
Sleep deprivation!

145
00:08:17,414 --> 00:08:20,250
Wait, I'm not crying, am I?
I usually am.

146
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:22,753
I don't mean to complain.
Now I feel bad!

147
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,005
Oh! There's my little peanut!

148
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:27,299
I love you so much!

149
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,302
I'm going to be as
strung out as Charlotte.

150
00:08:30,386 --> 00:08:31,845
Worse actually.

151
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:33,889
At least herhusband
works from home.

152
00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:37,184
I mean, he's a pot dealer,
but he's a very involved parent.

153
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,852
Marshall will be a great dad.

154
00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:41,063
Marshall's always at the office,

155
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:45,109
and I'm afraid that if we have a
baby now, all the work will fall on me.

156
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:47,611
You're just panicking and
focusing on the downside.

157
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,196
I think lin's
just being realistic.

158
00:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,739
See, this is good.

159
00:08:50,823 --> 00:08:53,409
This is why I called
you guys both over here.

160
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,994
Ted, you're pro kids.
Robin, you're against.

161
00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:58,372
Counselors, opening statements.

162
00:08:58,580 --> 00:09:01,792
Okay, I know you're
afraid that you're not ready.

163
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,269
But no one ever
thinks they're ready.

164
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:04,920
You just have to take the leap.

165
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:06,147
Parenthood will come naturally.

166
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,090
Well, of course you
think it comes naturally.

167
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,883
You're basically a dad already.

168
00:09:09,967 --> 00:09:11,552
You're a total dad.

169
00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:14,304
What are you talking about?
Ted, think about it.

170
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,599
You tell super corny dad jokes.

171
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,226
Shredded tweet!

172
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,397
Man! Shredded tweet.

173
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:28,026
Robin: You lecture us, like when
we broke your stupid ship in a bottle.

174
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,738
I'm not angry.
I'm just disappointed.

175
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,741
She did it! Shut up!

176
00:09:35,159 --> 00:09:38,287
Robin: And you do that thing
all dads do with waitresses.

177
00:09:38,370 --> 00:09:40,664
Hi, I'm Lori. I'll be your
waitress this evening.

178
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:44,251
Hi, Lori, I'm Ted. I'll be
your customer this evening.

179
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,462
Hey, lon, before
you go, tell me,

180
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,922
what do you get when you
cross a canary with a lawn mower?

181
00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:50,632
No hints. No hints.

182
00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:54,553
She's right. Ted, you may
be single and childless,

183
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,806
butyoute totally a dorky dad.

184
00:09:57,890 --> 00:10:00,225
I don't think I like
your tone, young lady.

185
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,271
Marshall, not a
father's day is a hit!

186
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:07,107
Laraby and finklestein are
helping me celebrate. Check it.

187
00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:09,943
"World's greatest
not a dad" mugs.

188
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:13,238
There's "who's not
your daddy?" T-shirts.

189
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:15,908
Both available at
notafathersday.Com.

190
00:10:15,991 --> 00:10:18,202
Oh. Check out
the greeting cards.

191
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:23,540
"For everything
you do for yourself,

192
00:10:23,707 --> 00:10:25,876
"for all the scotch
upon your shelf.

193
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,586
"Your Porsche carrera
rules the freeway.

194
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:30,839
"Here's wishing you
an all-night three-way.

195
00:10:30,923 --> 00:10:32,633
"Happy not a father's day."

196
00:10:32,758 --> 00:10:34,510
Check out the illustration.

197
00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:36,553
No, no.

198
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,350
It appears to be some
sort of Asian hooker.

199
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,186
Yes. Because on
not a father's day,

200
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:46,230
you get a Thai
you'd actually wear.

201
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,397
Wordplay five!

202
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:51,568
She's really kicking
your ass here, mosby.

203
00:10:51,652 --> 00:10:53,695
Your only hope
is to go negative.

204
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:54,822
Okay.

205
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:57,991
I'll tell you why my
opponent is saying all this.

206
00:10:58,075 --> 00:11:01,703
Three words, scared of babies.

207
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,831
What? That is crazy.

208
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,332
Ianinot yeah?

209
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,751
Remember that time you
met my cousin and her kid?

210
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,295
Oh, she is so cute.

211
00:11:11,505 --> 00:11:13,340
Oh. Do you want to hold her?

212
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,763
Ted: Or the baby shower
Lily threw for her friend Erika?

213
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,642
Are you letting
that baby sniff you?

214
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:24,935
I don't want to get bitten.

215
00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,395
And don't forget about...

216
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,444
Talking baby commercial?
Talking baby commercial.

217
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,465
But you're not like that, lin.

218
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,449
You love kids and they love you.

219
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:43,370
Yes, I'm loveable, pretty
and wise, but is it enough?

220
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,707
Look, it all comes
down to one word. You.

221
00:11:46,790 --> 00:11:49,126
Are you ready to put your
own dreams on the back burner?

222
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,712
Grad school, teaching
art at the college level?

223
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:54,381
Look, you need to
focus on project Lily

224
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:56,258
before you can
start project baby.

225
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,385
If you don't,
you'll always regret it.

226
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:01,471
And that wouldn't be
fair to you or the baby.

227
00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,725
What's that?

228
00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:06,935
It's Jeremy's sock.

229
00:12:08,645 --> 00:12:10,480
I'm having a baby.

230
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,108
But what about all
the things I just said?

231
00:12:13,191 --> 00:12:14,985
But... but sock.

232
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,404
But what about Marshall
working all the time?

233
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,114
But sock.

234
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:20,991
But project Lily!

235
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,618
Little fishies on it.

236
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:25,162
We made all of these arguments,

237
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:28,206
and a sock is what makes
your decision for you?

238
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,044
I guess that was the
sock-out punch, huh, Robin?

239
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:33,629
Shut up, dad.

240
00:12:33,712 --> 00:12:35,172
You shut up, baby hater.

241
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,258
Babies are scary, okay?
They have giant eyes.

242
00:12:38,342 --> 00:12:40,010
And then, come on,
the soft spot?

243
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,179
If there's gonna be
a self-destruct button,

244
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:46,099
at least hide it somewhere it
won't accidentally get pressed.

245
00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:48,685
Where's Lily?

246
00:12:50,604 --> 00:12:51,844
Hey, did you drink any of this?

247
00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:52,981
Not a drop.

248
00:12:53,065 --> 00:12:54,149
Me, neither.

249
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,612
Eriksen,
meeting in five minutes.

250
00:12:58,695 --> 00:13:01,406
And you'd better bring
your a-game for Mr. Li.

251
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,408
That guy haunts my nightmares.

252
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:05,369
Anyway, have fun out there, kid.

253
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:12,501
Put a baby in me, Marshall.
I'm ready.

254
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,593
Lin. Lily, what are
you doing here?

255
00:13:21,677 --> 00:13:23,971
I'm ready, Marshall.
Tonight's the night.

256
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:27,474
Put your melon-headed
spawn in my belly.

257
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,643
What? Yeah. Come on, right now.

258
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:32,854
Baby me. I am ready. Hey, look.

259
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,483
The guys in the next
building are waving at me.

260
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:40,821
Hello, gentlemen! We're
gonna make a baby!

261
00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:44,616
I can't believe we lost her.

262
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,618
See, this is exactly why
I'm never having kids.

263
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,862
You can't let them out of
your sight for even a second.

264
00:13:48,912 --> 00:13:53,625
I can't find my file.
I pulled out a through g.

265
00:13:57,838 --> 00:14:00,173
They just sit there
with their stupid bottles.

266
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:04,094
They cry.

267
00:14:13,437 --> 00:14:14,438
They spit up.

268
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:20,110
And that's why kids suck.

269
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,862
Wow, it is a good
thing we broke up.

270
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:24,364
I forgot how totally psycho
you are on the kids thing.

271
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:28,535
I'm psycho? Any time you
even hear the word "kids,"

272
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:31,705
you get two little lactation
stains on your shirt.

273
00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:34,416
Thank god you're not a mom.
You are such an ice queen,

274
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:37,586
any baby nursing from
you would get brain freeze.

275
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,463
Look, don't paint me
as some sort of a freak

276
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,964
for wanting to
remain independent.

277
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,526
There are plenty of normal people
out there who don't want to have kids.

278
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:47,637
Brother, lay your hand on this
box of condoms and repeat after me.

279
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,599
"I'll state the fake name
you give to women...

280
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,893
I, Johnny banana.

281
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:57,064
"Vow to always choose
wet t-shirts over wet diapers."

282
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,648
Vow to always...

283
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,109
Yeah, you're in
great company there.

284
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:02,944
I'm gonna look for
Lily in the bathroom.

285
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,405
While I'm in there, I'll grab
you a tampon. Great, great.

286
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:07,300
And when you're done
shaking off at the urinal,

287
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,701
maybe you could ask the
wizard to give you a heart.

288
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:12,913
You know what? Maybe I should find
somewhere else to stay this weekend.

289
00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:14,122
No argument here. Fine.

290
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:15,290
Great.

291
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:19,503
Welcome to our
fraternity of non-paternity.

292
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,505
He is one of us.

293
00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:23,131
Yeah! Yeah!

294
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,260
Gentlemen, Mr. Li,

295
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:30,597
if you would all please open to
page five of your merger documents.

296
00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:32,182
I think that you'll...

297
00:15:34,851 --> 00:15:36,394
Whoa!

298
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:37,729
What is it, Eriksen?

299
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:38,939
Nothing.

300
00:15:39,022 --> 00:15:42,901
I just think that you
look very nice today.

301
00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,164
What are you looking at?

302
00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:58,583
I am looking at the future

303
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:05,132
of our two companies,
and it looks very naked.

304
00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:09,302
Would you excuse me
just for a little, bnefsecond?

305
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:15,142
Did anyone else
see the drunk chick?

306
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:19,354
Hey, you guys didn't have to...

307
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,940
It's a picture
of me with no kids.

308
00:16:22,023 --> 00:16:25,569
And there's macaroni glued
on the frame. Guys, I love it.

309
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,155
Well, Lily's not in there.

310
00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:30,358
Your phone rang. I answered
it. I hope you don't mind.

311
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,242
Marshall's got Lily. She's fine.

312
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,369
Oh, thank god.

313
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:36,997
What?

314
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,876
I was putting your phone back
and I found something in your bag.

315
00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,085
I have a permit for that.

316
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,461
And the other thing was a gift.

317
00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:46,298
No. This.

318
00:16:48,425 --> 00:16:49,885
You stole Jeremy's sock.

319
00:16:49,968 --> 00:16:51,178
No, I didn't.

320
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:55,390
I don't know how that got in
there. It must've fallen in. Weird!

321
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:56,725
Fahenin?

322
00:16:56,808 --> 00:17:00,562
Or Lily put it in there as a
joke. That bitch be drunk.

323
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:03,773
Okay, I took it.

324
00:17:04,816 --> 00:17:09,196
It's just so cute. Sock.

325
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,284
Robin scherbatsky, are you
warming to the idea of having children?

326
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,078
No. I don't know.

327
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:21,708
Maybe someday. When I'm,
like, 70. Science will catch up.

328
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:26,046
Look, I'm just...
I'm confused lately.

329
00:17:26,129 --> 00:17:29,257
I'm unemployed,
I'm living on a couch.

330
00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:32,928
Yeah. It's been a rough
couple of months for both of us.

331
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,182
Hey, I have a spare bedroom.

332
00:17:37,265 --> 00:17:39,976
Why don't you stay with me
while you look for a place?

333
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,062
Really? Yeah.

334
00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:44,314
Thanks, Ted.
I already have some leads,

335
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,524
so it'll be one week,
two weeks tops.

336
00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:47,960
Older Ted: And that's
how your aunt Robin

337
00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,027
moved in with me.

338
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:50,153
Roomies.

339
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:56,493
I'm bored. Let's go dancing.
Oh, let's Rob a liquor store!

340
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,286
Lily, we're not going
anywhere, okay?

341
00:17:58,370 --> 00:17:59,722
Vvhenever we go
somewhere when you're drunk,

342
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,958
you always fall asleep
as soon as we get in the...

343
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:05,543
We're going dancing!

344
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:08,255
We're gonna
party all night long!

345
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,302
Hey, can you circle the
block a couple of times

346
00:18:14,386 --> 00:18:16,054
just to make sure
she's really down?

347
00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:17,764
Sure thing.

348
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,269
Latest not a father's
day brainstorm.

349
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:25,647
A pregnancy test, but
instead of a little blue line,

350
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,566
there's a little blue
Barney going like this.

351
00:18:28,650 --> 00:18:31,444
Barney,
not a father's day is lame.

352
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:32,862
It's a holiday for losers.

353
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:36,408
What are you talking about?
That's a great group of bros.

354
00:18:36,491 --> 00:18:38,243
Barney,
it's the cheerleader effect.

355
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,329
No, Ted.
That only works for chicks.

356
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:45,166
Take a good look at each one
of those guys, individually.

357
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:04,561
These geniuses are not
childless by choice, my friend.

358
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:06,980
Good night, Barney. Good night.

359
00:19:15,196 --> 00:19:16,281
Sock.

360
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,495
Dolsmeh chocolate chip pancakes?

361
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:28,460
No, you smell chocolate chip "I'm
sorry I was such a drunk idiot" pancakes.

362
00:19:28,543 --> 00:19:30,712
Is there any "wish I hadn't
puked on your shirt" bacon?

363
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,589
There sure is.

364
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:38,136
I'm so sorry about last
night. I know I was a mess.

365
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:42,766
I just started freaking out about
whether we're ready to be parents.

366
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:47,645
But you took such good care of me,
I know you're gonna be a great dad.

367
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,606
I don't want to
be a dad right now.

368
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,066
What?

369
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:55,862
Last night, it was just... between
balancing work and drunk baby Lily,

370
00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,781
it was too much.

371
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,407
I'm just getting
started at this job,

372
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:01,826
and I'm working such
long hours, I mean...

373
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:06,539
Look, I love you. And I absolutely
want to have kids someday.

374
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:09,459
I just... I want
to be ready for it.

375
00:20:11,461 --> 00:20:16,174
Me, too. And
whenever we are ready,

376
00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,885
I know you're gonna be amazing.

377
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,804
You, too.

378
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:28,228
Hey, do you want to go have
completely protected sex right now?

379
00:20:28,311 --> 00:20:29,396
I do.

380
00:20:29,479 --> 00:20:31,564
Do you want to
finish your bacon first?

381
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,777
You are the perfect woman.

382
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:46,496
And the cat's in
the cradle and the silver spoon

383
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,499
little boy blue
and the man in the moon

384
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:52,627
"when you coming home, dad?"
"I don't know when

385
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,797
"but we'll get
together then, son

386
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:59,175
"I know we 7!
Have a good time then"