1 00:00:02,503 --> 00:00:05,339 Older Ted: Kids, in the fall of 2008, I had a little problem. 2 00:00:05,423 --> 00:00:07,383 All right, I gotta get to Stella's. 3 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,011 Tonight's the night, guys. 4 00:00:10,094 --> 00:00:11,530 I've tried it before. I've failed every time. 5 00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:13,264 This time, I am gonna do it. 6 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:16,726 Tonight I pick up a lesbian. 7 00:00:19,187 --> 00:00:21,063 Robin, I need your lipstick. 8 00:00:21,981 --> 00:00:23,482 Oh, man! 9 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,360 Take pictures, all right? Bye, Ted. 10 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,072 I lived in New York, 11 00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:34,619 but Stella lived across the river in New Jersey. 12 00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,872 Oh, man. 13 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:42,043 Which meant I was always taking the train. 14 00:00:42,126 --> 00:00:44,503 What's up, Ted? Hey, Matisse. 15 00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:47,715 Hey, t-diddy! Theodore! 16 00:00:47,798 --> 00:00:48,799 You missed it. 17 00:00:48,883 --> 00:00:50,203 Robin got that national anchorjob. 18 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,136 And we got a free bottle of champagne. 19 00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:54,180 But it's empty now. 20 00:00:54,263 --> 00:00:55,848 Oh, man. 21 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:59,810 And as result, it seemed like I was missing out on everything. 22 00:01:00,436 --> 00:01:02,521 Sorry, we couldn't wait. It was getting cold. 23 00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:03,648 Oh, man! 24 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,650 Hey, big guy. What's up, g? 25 00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:07,610 Are you okay? 26 00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:08,861 Yeah, I'm fine. It's just, 27 00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:10,571 you know, I wanna hang out with you guys. 28 00:01:10,655 --> 00:01:11,935 I wanna hang out with my friends. 29 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:14,700 I just feel like I'm spending all my time on the train. 30 00:01:14,784 --> 00:01:16,428 Okay, how about this. Why don't you ask your friends 31 00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,079 to come out here sometime? 32 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,789 That's a great idea. 33 00:01:20,081 --> 00:01:21,749 You want us to go to New Jersey? 34 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,084 That is rich. 35 00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:25,127 Well, for starters, 36 00:01:25,211 --> 00:01:27,713 I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore. 37 00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:31,467 I sold them when they went out of style 400 years ago. 38 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:33,970 Lily? Sorry, Ted. 39 00:01:34,053 --> 00:01:35,763 I'm a born and raised new yorker. 40 00:01:35,846 --> 00:01:37,765 I'm programmed to despise and loathe 41 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,684 New Jersey and all that it stands for. 42 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:41,227 Why am I telling you this? 43 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,104 You hate New Jersey more than anyone. 44 00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:45,731 What? I don't hate New Jersey. Why would you think that? 45 00:01:46,315 --> 00:01:47,775 And then he cut in front of me! 46 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:51,529 God, I hate line cutters more than I hate New Jersey! 47 00:01:52,363 --> 00:01:53,406 Well, that's not true. 48 00:01:53,489 --> 00:01:56,242 There is nothing I hate more than New Jersey. 49 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,373 Right? 50 00:02:04,083 --> 00:02:05,626 Hey, you want us to wait for you or... 51 00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:08,963 No, I might be a while. I gotta drop a massive New Jersey. 52 00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:12,967 Okay, so New Jersey's not my favorite place. 53 00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:16,137 But once Stella and I get married and she and Lucy move in with me, 54 00:02:16,220 --> 00:02:18,306 I'll never set foot in New Jersey again. 55 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:21,434 Unless I'm going to see a giants game or flying out of Newark 56 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:24,061 or, god forbid, disposing of a body. 57 00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:27,189 Ted, if you murder me and Bury me in New Jersey, 58 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:29,191 I'll haunt you forever. 59 00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:32,069 But if I murder you and Bury you somewhere else? 60 00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,362 I'll leave you alone. 61 00:02:33,446 --> 00:02:34,864 I'm sure you had your reasons. 62 00:02:50,004 --> 00:02:53,632 Older Ted: Kids, your aunt Robin was sick of herjob at Metro news 1. 63 00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,426 She was sick of the low production value... 64 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:58,220 I'm Robin scherbatsky, and you're watching 65 00:02:59,889 --> 00:03:01,891 etro news 1 at 11:00. 66 00:03:03,768 --> 00:03:05,436 And again at 1:00. 67 00:03:06,479 --> 00:03:08,314 Sick of the stories she had to report... 68 00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:13,277 So hurry up and get your votes in for New York's cutest doggie. 69 00:03:14,445 --> 00:03:17,114 And most of all, she was sick of all the stupid puns. 70 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,283 Four transit workers were electrocuted 71 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,494 when a subway train jumped the tracks. 72 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:25,289 Stay tuned for the shocking derails. 73 00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,291 Joel, people died. 74 00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:32,505 So when the call came in that she got the big national anchor job, 75 00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,173 she finally got to say the words 76 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:36,217 she'd been dreaming of saying for years. 77 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:38,511 Tonight will be my last broadcast. 78 00:03:38,594 --> 00:03:41,722 I came to Metro news 1 as a little caterpillar, 79 00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:45,476 and for four years, this desk has been my cocoon. 80 00:03:46,477 --> 00:03:50,648 But tonight, I emerge an ambitious butterfly. 81 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,734 Why does she sound like an idiot? Did she have a stroke? 82 00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:58,322 Yeah. A stroke of genius. This speech is really good. 83 00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:03,327 With one eye on the horizon, one eye on the truth, 84 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,789 and one eye on all of you. 85 00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:10,042 You wrote it for her, didn't you? 86 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,796 It's a modified version of the speech I gave when I had to leave the swim team 87 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,173 because of a chronic inner ear situation. 88 00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:17,508 Ithoughtyou were the towel boy. 89 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,260 It's part of the team. 90 00:04:19,802 --> 00:04:21,429 So that Saturday, as Robin went off 91 00:04:21,512 --> 00:04:23,055 for her first day at her new job, 92 00:04:23,139 --> 00:04:24,348 we all headed across the river 93 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,809 to experience some of that crazy New Jersey nightlife. 94 00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:29,770 Okay, Stella couldn't find a sitter, so we can't go out. 95 00:04:29,854 --> 00:04:32,940 Instead, we're all gonna hang out here, 96 00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:34,442 and it's gonna be just as awesome. 97 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,986 Right? We got board games, we got movies, 98 00:04:37,069 --> 00:04:40,197 and I think there may be some beer out in the garage. 99 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:45,327 Ted, this is pathetic. It's Saturday night. 100 00:04:45,411 --> 00:04:47,121 We should be out at a bar drinking alcohol. 101 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,515 Now I know that that sounds depressing, 102 00:04:48,539 --> 00:04:50,458 bordering on tragic, but it's just a fact! 103 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:53,043 Yeah, and iwanna take another crack at that chick, Doris. 104 00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:54,879 I know I can land that lesbian plane. 105 00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,338 No snakes on that plane. 106 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:01,010 Okay, guys. Come on, you promised. 107 00:05:01,093 --> 00:05:03,637 Let's just hang out here, try to have fun. 108 00:05:03,721 --> 00:05:05,639 I mean, we're all together. 109 00:05:05,723 --> 00:05:06,724 Friends hanging out. 110 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,559 Isn't that what really matters? 111 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,440 Okay, if we take the next train, 112 00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:15,816 we can be at maclaren's by 11:00. 113 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,794 We can be there by 10:00. No, I have to change first. 114 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,321 I am not walking into maclaren's smelling like New Jersey. 115 00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,906 Whoa. 116 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:27,036 Wow. You guys really hate it here, huh? 117 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:29,997 What? No, stels. 118 00:05:30,581 --> 00:05:32,750 No. No, I get it. I mean, you guys are all new yorkers. 119 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,060 You need to go hang out at a bar. 120 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:36,921 Well, you could just hang out at the coolest bar in the state, 121 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,757 which is so close it will blow your mind. 122 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:45,638 And boom goes the dynamite. The coolest bar in New Jersey. 123 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:47,348 Yeah, it probably is. 124 00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:49,058 This is great! 125 00:05:49,433 --> 00:05:52,937 We got darts. Half a ping-pong table. 126 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,313 A fish bowl. 127 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:57,358 Look what turned out to be an awesome night as promised. 128 00:05:57,441 --> 00:06:00,152 Maybe we can drop some bac-os in here and make them fight. 129 00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:02,238 No, thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls 130 00:06:02,321 --> 00:06:04,198 unless they have my two favorite fish, 131 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:07,993 the suckerfish and the blowfish. What up! 132 00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:11,497 For blowfish? I don't think so. 133 00:06:13,832 --> 00:06:16,001 Marshall. You're better than that. 134 00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:18,212 Lily. Not good enough. 135 00:06:18,963 --> 00:06:20,214 Stella? 136 00:06:22,967 --> 00:06:24,134 Sorry. 137 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:28,556 I am not lowering this until someone gives me the respect 138 00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:31,976 of another person's knuckles tapping against mine 139 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:34,353 in a light but decisive manner. 140 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:38,857 Pretty, pretty. Pretty, pretty. Pretty... 141 00:06:38,941 --> 00:06:39,984 Who's a pretty baby? 142 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:46,991 Then know this. Until it gets what it wants, nay, deserves, 143 00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:50,619 this fist will not yield. 144 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:55,833 It will not yield. 145 00:06:57,668 --> 00:06:58,728 So who wants to play scrabble? 146 00:06:58,752 --> 00:06:59,962 Sure, whatever. 147 00:07:00,421 --> 00:07:02,965 Heads up, the x tile is a little hard to read 148 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,718 'cause a couple years ago, it went all the way through my dog. 149 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:09,513 You know, maybe we should get a dog again, 150 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:11,265 when you move in. When I what? 151 00:07:12,683 --> 00:07:14,768 Great. There's Robin. 152 00:07:20,399 --> 00:07:22,443 I thought they were moving in with you? 153 00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,153 So did I. 154 00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:28,616 Oh, god, am I moving to New Jersey? 155 00:07:29,366 --> 00:07:31,869 Hey, guys, I bet that dog was really flying high 156 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,371 after it swallowed a little x. 157 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,748 Nailed it! 158 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,126 Come on! 159 00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:44,798 I can't live here. 160 00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,300 It wouldn't be that bad. 161 00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:49,428 You could put a minifridge over there and maybe some nok hockey. 162 00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:51,889 Nok hockey. Nice one, big man. 163 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:55,726 Yeah, I meant New Jersey in general, not this basement. 164 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:58,103 She wants me to move here? I don't get it. 165 00:07:58,187 --> 00:07:59,521 We discussed this months ago. 166 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:02,608 So I was thinking after the wedding, 167 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,152 you and Lucy could move in here. 168 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:09,323 Yeah, she could play out on the fire escape, 169 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:12,344 maybe make friends with that guy who sleeps on that couch out in the alley, 170 00:08:12,368 --> 00:08:16,497 ride her bike up and down Broadway. That's a great idea, Ted. 171 00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:21,335 Look, I don't understand why you'd want to live in New Jersey 172 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:23,337 when you have a chance to live in Manhattan. 173 00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:24,731 I thought having a rent-controlled 174 00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:27,400 apartment on the upper West Side was half the reason she agreed to marry me. 175 00:08:27,424 --> 00:08:30,219 Really, I thought it was the whole reason. What is up? 176 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:34,181 Robin, hey! Looking good. Hey. 177 00:08:34,515 --> 00:08:35,808 Bump the barnacle. 178 00:08:35,891 --> 00:08:37,726 Stella already told me not to. 179 00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:39,770 How was your first day? It wasn't. 180 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,814 What? It wasn't my first day. 181 00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:43,857 I showed up and there were 20 other people. 182 00:08:43,941 --> 00:08:47,361 It turns out, I didn't actually get the job. I only got an audition. 183 00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:49,029 What, how did that happen? I don't know, 184 00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:50,614 because he told me that I got it. 185 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,700 I got it? I got it! 186 00:08:54,118 --> 00:08:56,578 Robin's agent: And just to be clear, when I say "you got it," 187 00:08:56,662 --> 00:09:00,582 I mean an audition. You got an audition. 188 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:05,462 I don't want there to be any confusion. You have an audition only. 189 00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:07,214 Not the job. 190 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:09,967 Thank you! Thank you! 191 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:13,220 Okay, I'm gonna call and beg Joe! To give me my job back. 192 00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,431 No. You hated that job. 193 00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:16,890 I don't know. It wasn't so bad. 194 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:19,560 Robin, what did they make you call tropical storm Hector 195 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,645 when it was raining cats and dogs? 196 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,439 A furricane. 197 00:09:23,522 --> 00:09:24,940 Hey, Ted. 198 00:09:25,607 --> 00:09:26,900 Rock me like a furricane. 199 00:09:26,984 --> 00:09:28,193 Nice. 200 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:29,945 Mean. 201 00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,406 Okay, yeah, it sucks, but what can I do? 202 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,241 I mean, I'm not gonna get that other job. 203 00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,469 You guys should have seen the other women at this audition. 204 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,747 They all had more experience than me, were more ethnic than me. 205 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:42,416 There was an African-American chick with blue eyes. 206 00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:43,876 How can I compete with that? 207 00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,627 You can't. 208 00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:47,588 No, you can compete with anyone. 209 00:09:47,671 --> 00:09:51,592 You're Robin scherbatsky. You're confident, strong, tall, 210 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,344 with crazy long legs that look great in shorts. 211 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,596 I'm calling Joel. 212 00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:59,141 No, no. Robin, if you call him right now, you will hate yourself. 213 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:02,853 Look, lhave slept with lots of women who afterwards told me off 214 00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:03,937 and stormed out. 215 00:10:04,021 --> 00:10:06,023 And sometimes, they'd pick up the phone 216 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,776 and they'd call me, and then we'd hook up again. 217 00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:11,820 And when we were finished, I could see that look on their faces, 218 00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:14,239 that look that says they hate themselves 219 00:10:14,323 --> 00:10:16,200 and they wish they'd never called. 220 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,660 But if you could see that look... 221 00:10:18,744 --> 00:10:21,830 Actually, you can see that look, there's a video, wwvv... 222 00:10:21,914 --> 00:10:24,416 No, no! Stop, okay? I won't call. 223 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,628 Don't drink the beer! I just remembered when I bought it. 224 00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:29,671 It was right before I got pregnant with Lucy. 225 00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:32,299 Ted, would you mind running to priceco and picking some up? 226 00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:34,319 And while you're there, maybe you could sign up for a card. 227 00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,762 I mean, you'll probably end up going there all the time. 228 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,308 That's the look. 229 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:47,231 I can't move here. I hate it here. I would kill myself. 230 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,566 Maybe New Jersey's not that bad, okay? 231 00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:50,776 Stella has a lawn. 232 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,487 You could get a riding lawn mower. They sell them over there. 233 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:57,658 I saw one with a cup holder. I saw a recliner with a built-in cup holder. 234 00:10:57,741 --> 00:10:59,493 Ieven saw a hammock with a cup holder. 235 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,995 You live in New Jersey, you never have to hold a cup again. 236 00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:04,998 I don't think I have as big a problem holding cups as you do. 237 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:09,002 I will give you $100 to fist bump me. 238 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,548 $200. 239 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:16,510 Just put it down, Barney. Your arm must be killing you by now. 240 00:11:18,512 --> 00:11:20,097 $10,000. 241 00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:22,450 Look, you'll be right across the river. 242 00:11:22,474 --> 00:11:23,892 You'll be in New York all the time. 243 00:11:23,976 --> 00:11:25,686 Yeah. Oh, yeah? 244 00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:28,313 Excuse me. You guys are from New York, right? 245 00:11:28,397 --> 00:11:30,023 Yeah, we moved here from Manhattan. 246 00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:31,316 Do you ever get into the city? 247 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,401 All the time. 248 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,652 See? All the time. 249 00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,088 When was the last time you were there? 250 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:37,030 We just had dinner at o'Rourke's. 251 00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:39,199 That's been closed for six years. 252 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:40,701 Maybe it has been a while. 253 00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:42,202 Funny, we don't miss it. 254 00:11:42,286 --> 00:11:46,373 I guess we're New Jersey-Ians now. Honey, look, dog shirts. 255 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,919 I can't do it. I'm just gonna tell Stella 256 00:11:51,003 --> 00:11:53,672 she and Lucy have to move into the city and that's that. 257 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:57,801 Okay, what do you guys think? Beagle or Boston terrier? 258 00:12:01,763 --> 00:12:03,640 Are those tears? 259 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:09,062 They're awesome, manly pain tears. They're not emotional. 260 00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,150 Okay, they're a little bit emotional. 261 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,402 Where's Robin? 262 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,196 Oh, no. She's... 263 00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,658 Hey, Shirley, it's Robin calling for Joel. 264 00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,744 Robin, hang up the phone. Don't do this. 265 00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:25,120 Sorry, I know, okay? 266 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,705 If you don't hang up right now... 267 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,917 Stop! Hey, Joel, it's Robin. 268 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,628 So madam butterfly wants to come back to the cocoon. 269 00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:35,923 Yeah, look, I'm sorry I said all that stuff. 270 00:12:36,006 --> 00:12:38,050 Well, you can stick your sorries in your sock drawer 271 00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,676 'cause you've already been replaced. 272 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,846 I've got Brian in makeup and he couldn't be more exched. 273 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,807 I can't do this. I can't do this. 274 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:50,479 Okay, look, as much as I wanna see college boy here wet himself on camera, 275 00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:52,540 if you can get here in time to read the 11:00 news, 276 00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:53,804 you can have your old job back. 277 00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:57,611 Okay, I have a half hour to make it to the studio. 278 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,964 There's no way you can make it to the city in a half hour. 279 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:00,989 Robin, don't do this. 280 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,616 I know it's scary to bet on yourself, 281 00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:04,368 but if you don't, nobody else will. 282 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,220 And I'm not just saying that to get a fist bump. 283 00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,765 Although, come on, a fist bump would be great. But I really mean that. 284 00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:13,126 I am betting on myself. I am betting that I can make it there by 11:00. 285 00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,310 Hey, did you get the beer? 286 00:13:30,394 --> 00:13:34,481 Yeah, I got a 144-pack. The rest is in the trunk. 287 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,233 And did you sign up for the membership? 288 00:13:38,068 --> 00:13:39,068 Why not? 289 00:13:39,111 --> 00:13:40,254 There was a line for the photos. 290 00:13:40,278 --> 00:13:43,615 My hair's a mess. I don't wanna move to New Jersey. 291 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,993 What? I can't do it, 292 00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:49,746 and I can't see any reason why you and Lucy shouldn't move to New York. 293 00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,707 Well, my daughter goes to school here, 294 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,893 all of her friends are here, I've lived here my whole life, 295 00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:56,837 my whole family is here, this is my house, I'm on the pta 296 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,798 and, as of June 1, I'm the deputy mayor. 297 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:04,845 Yes, but my apartment is really close to the subway. 298 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:09,182 Ted, we're not moving. End of discussion. 299 00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:12,352 How can it be end of discussion if there's never been a discussion? 300 00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:15,272 This is part of being a parent. I can't just uproot Lucy. 301 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,816 People with kids move all the time. 302 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,526 I think it would be really great for Lucy 303 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:21,129 to grow up in the greatest city in the world. 304 00:14:21,153 --> 00:14:23,864 Here we go. New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. 305 00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:26,783 It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like tapioca. 306 00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:28,326 Wanna know a little secret, Ted? 307 00:14:28,410 --> 00:14:30,954 New Jersey is better than New York. 308 00:14:31,747 --> 00:14:34,833 Better than... you think... I... 309 00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:38,879 The empire state... h&h... 310 00:14:38,962 --> 00:14:42,799 Lincoln... zabar's... Papaya king! 311 00:14:43,592 --> 00:14:46,928 New York is the intellectual and cultural hub of the planet. 312 00:14:47,012 --> 00:14:50,640 New York is full of weirdoes and snobs and mean people. 313 00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,036 Ted, do you know that, once, an old lady actually called me a bitch 314 00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:54,853 and threw a cat in my face? 315 00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:57,397 And you wanna know if that happened in New Jersey? Uh-uh. 316 00:14:57,481 --> 00:15:00,817 86th and Lex, right in front of your beloved little papaya king. 317 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,653 Ted, people are nice in New Jersey. 318 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:05,840 I mean, it's the kind of place where you know your neighbors. 319 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,741 Hey, I know my neighbors. 320 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,159 Oh, yeah? Like who? 321 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:13,121 Right across the hall, I got claxpamon. 322 00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:15,540 Claxpamon? His name is Paxton. 323 00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,167 Love that dude. 324 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:20,058 Sorry, in a hurry. Gotta get to the front. 325 00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,171 Gotta get off first. 326 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,881 Don't run over Matisse. 327 00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,925 Okay, Stella, this is crazy. 328 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:29,096 You can't actually think that new Jersey is better than New York. 329 00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:31,556 New York has Broadway. We win right there. 330 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,060 Oh, no, she did not. Knuckle up for safety. 331 00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:36,686 We have Atlantic city. 332 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:38,438 Can't beat the ac. Pretty please? 333 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:40,107 No one has to know. 334 00:15:40,482 --> 00:15:41,709 New York has greenwich village. 335 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,110 New Jersey has the shore. 336 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:44,277 Woody Allen. 337 00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:48,573 Oscar-winning chronicler of urban neuroses. Bump it! 338 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,408 Bruce Springsteen. Sinatra! 339 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:52,577 Yeah, he's from hoboken, New Jersey. 340 00:15:52,661 --> 00:15:54,871 Yeah, but what city is he singing about? 341 00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,165 It's not secaucus, secaucus. 342 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,255 Come on. 343 00:16:04,881 --> 00:16:07,634 Older Ted: Now, you kids can either believe this or not, 344 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:11,304 but this is how your aunt Robin swears it happened. 345 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:20,397 Look, Stella, I understand that, coming from New Jersey, 346 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,858 you don't picture yourself loving New York, 347 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:25,569 but trust me, Marshall didn't expect to, 348 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,029 and now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else. 349 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:29,489 I hate New York! 350 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,200 I'm sorry, but it's true. 351 00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:34,327 Okay, today I was walking around priceco. 352 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,246 Have you ever been there? It's huge. 353 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,932 All the stores in New York are so cramped. 354 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,708 Every time I turn, I knock something over. 355 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:43,670 I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas. 356 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,088 But, Marshall, you love New York. 357 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:47,215 Yeah, I do, except that I hate it. 358 00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,177 I'm too big for New York, okay? 359 00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,804 I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats 360 00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:55,265 or duck under doorways that were built 150 years ago. 361 00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,185 Hey, guess what? People are bigger now. Build bigger doorways. 362 00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,412 What the hell is the matter with you? 363 00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:00,937 Small city, big man, give it up. 364 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:04,024 And it's so loud all the time. 365 00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:05,547 Yes, it's the city that never sleeps. 366 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:07,694 Well, guess what, I like to sleep. 367 00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:09,946 I've been tired for eight years. 368 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,657 Tired and scared with black and blue marks on my elbows 369 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:15,202 from trying to fit through all these tiny elf doorways. 370 00:17:15,285 --> 00:17:16,870 New Jersey's great. 371 00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:21,875 It's got huge stores and lawns and you never have to carry a cup again. 372 00:17:21,958 --> 00:17:27,380 Not for the rest of your life. I'm not afraid to say it. I love New Jersey. 373 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,052 I'm just kidding. 374 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:37,515 Look, Stella, I get it, okay? 375 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,895 I see what you're saying. I guess, 376 00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:45,815 we could live in Brooklyn. 377 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,860 You know what, Ted? 378 00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:51,196 Live wherever you want. I don't care. 379 00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,665 Awkward silence. Tap it. 380 00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,304 Hey, Lucy. What are you doing up? 381 00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,932 There were some loud noises in the basement. 382 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,475 Sorry about that. 383 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,078 Why don't you get back to bed, sweetie? 384 00:18:22,143 --> 00:18:24,187 I can't go to sleep without a story. 385 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,772 Okay, I'll just get your mom... 386 00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:27,732 Why don't you read it to me? 387 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:31,361 Okay, come on. 388 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,115 You know she thrills me with all her charms 389 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:40,578 when I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms 390 00:18:42,038 --> 00:18:46,084 my little girl gives me everything 391 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:53,216 when I'm walking down the street with you 392 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:57,595 sing sha la la la la la la 393 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,142 I'm moving here. 394 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:05,145 Really? 395 00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:06,229 Really. 396 00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:09,107 New Jersey wins. 397 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,879 Thank you! 398 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:33,423 Wait! 399 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,435 Good evening, New York. 400 00:19:45,977 --> 00:19:47,896 Hey, look, she made it. 401 00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:49,356 Our top story tonight, 402 00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:53,026 the newborn panda at the central park zoo got its first tooth today. 403 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:56,905 I guess that makes her a molar bear. 404 00:19:58,114 --> 00:19:59,240 Molar bear. 405 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,285 Molar bear. 406 00:20:04,079 --> 00:20:08,541 You know what? I really am done. Good night, New York. 407 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,757 Wow, she really quit. 408 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,218 You think we had anything to do with that? 409 00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,637 Yeah, I think we did. 410 00:20:22,222 --> 00:20:23,848 Nice job, Barney. 411 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:28,770 Oh, my god! Thank you! 412 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,649 That was killing my arm. 413 00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:35,402 My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old 414 00:20:35,485 --> 00:20:37,028 and figured out how to lock a bathroom. 415 00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:38,613 Up top. 416 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:41,908 Oh, no. 417 00:20:45,495 --> 00:20:47,038 Hey. Hey. 418 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:49,082 Hey. What's wrong? 419 00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:51,167 Well, I officially didn't get that job. 420 00:20:52,335 --> 00:20:53,503 I'm so sorry. That's okay. 421 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,089 They offered me another one. 422 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,508 Hey, that's great. What are you gonna be doing? 423 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:02,637 Foreign correspondent. I'm moving to Japan.