1 00:00:02,170 --> 00:00:03,981 Older Ted: Kids, when I first moved to New York, 2 00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:08,926 it was dingy, disgusting, dirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky, 3 00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:11,345 and altogether terrifying. 4 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:15,850 But then, sadly, the whole city started to go uphill. 5 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,519 The streets got a little cleaner, 6 00:00:18,603 --> 00:00:21,022 the rents got a little higher, and one by one, 7 00:00:21,105 --> 00:00:24,108 the crappy old places we loved began to disappear. 8 00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:28,613 The elbow room, an old punk-rock club, became a drugstore. 9 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:33,743 Mchale's, a working-class watering hole, became a fast-food place. 10 00:00:33,826 --> 00:00:38,456 And Fez, this awesome lounge at 85th and Broadway, became a bank. 11 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,790 And not just any bank. 12 00:00:39,874 --> 00:00:44,378 Goliath national bank, the world leader in credit and banking. 13 00:00:44,462 --> 00:00:47,757 God, I love Goliath national bank! 14 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,551 Okay, first of all, you look like the last pick in the draft. 15 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,054 And second, why are you so excited about some bank? 16 00:00:53,137 --> 00:00:54,417 Our company just bought them out 17 00:00:54,472 --> 00:00:57,141 in a ruthless takeover. Took two months. 18 00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:01,395 Cost 2,000 jobs. It was brutal. 19 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,106 Who wants a t-shirt? 20 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:07,401 Hey, Marshall, they're hiring in the legal department. 21 00:01:07,485 --> 00:01:08,736 I could get you a job. 22 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:12,073 Barney, Marshall didn't quit his last soul-sucking corporate job 23 00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:13,741 just to go work at a bank. 24 00:01:13,824 --> 00:01:16,285 He's gonna be an environmental lawyer. 25 00:01:16,369 --> 00:01:17,912 Older Ted: That was the plan, anyway. 26 00:01:17,995 --> 00:01:20,831 Over the next few weeks, Marshall went on a lot of interviews. 27 00:01:20,915 --> 00:01:25,670 You are confident, you are energetic, you are focused! 28 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,380 Older Ted: A lot of interviews. 29 00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:31,926 You are flexible on salary, you're willing to compromise, 30 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:34,345 you're not gonna cry this time. 31 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,013 Too many interviews. 32 00:01:36,097 --> 00:01:39,684 You are sad, you are beaten down. 33 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,687 You will get through this, come home, 34 00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:45,815 get in your big underpants and take a nap. 35 00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:51,445 Older Ted: Which brings us to September 29th, the night of the burger. 36 00:01:51,529 --> 00:01:53,698 So, what do you guys want to do for dinner? 37 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,283 Oh! We just got a new cook. 38 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:57,159 You have to try the burger, it's amazing. 39 00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,787 Oh, great, we'll take five of those. Five burgers. 40 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,956 Whoa, really? You want to eat here? 41 00:02:02,039 --> 00:02:03,291 Yeah, I'm freaking starving. 42 00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:05,001 I just finished a seven-day cleanse. 43 00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:06,395 Ithoughtyoujust started that yesterday. 44 00:02:06,419 --> 00:02:08,587 I finished early, okay? 45 00:02:08,671 --> 00:02:10,214 Five of those. Five burgers. 46 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,133 Whoa, wait. What about Sushi? 47 00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:13,426 We had Sushi last night. 48 00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,177 Italian. I had Italian for lunch. 49 00:02:15,261 --> 00:02:17,263 I can come back. No. We always do this. 50 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,140 We spend an hour arguing about where to eat, 51 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:20,891 and then we end up eating here anyway. 52 00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:22,601 I haven't eaten for two days. 53 00:02:22,685 --> 00:02:26,856 Can we please, for the love of god, just order something now? 54 00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,234 Chinese? Oh! 55 00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:31,652 I don't like Chinese. 56 00:02:31,736 --> 00:02:34,488 Indian? I just said I don't like Chinese. 57 00:02:34,572 --> 00:02:35,865 Indian isn't Chinese. 58 00:02:35,948 --> 00:02:37,825 Weird meats, funny music, side of rice. 59 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,161 Why are we splitting hairs? 60 00:02:40,244 --> 00:02:41,329 Mexican? 61 00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:43,164 I just said I don't like Chinese. 62 00:02:58,763 --> 00:03:01,223 Robin, yours will be right out. 63 00:03:01,682 --> 00:03:04,101 Of course, mine comes last. 64 00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:07,646 Go ahead, start without me. 65 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:08,957 Sweet! Thank you. You shouldn't have. 66 00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,900 That's so kind of you. 67 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:18,532 Oh, my god. This burger is so good. 68 00:03:18,616 --> 00:03:20,451 It's like Christmas in my mouth. 69 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,203 Meat Christmas. 70 00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:24,872 It's like an angel from heaven 71 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,249 landed in the kitchen at maclaren's, 72 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:30,753 where the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder. 73 00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:34,965 I love this burger so much, I want to sew my ass shut. 74 00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:38,219 It's okay. 75 00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:39,303 Are you kidding me? 76 00:03:39,470 --> 00:03:40,471 Guys, guys, guys. 77 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,848 When you've had the best burger in New York City, 78 00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:45,768 every other burger tastes like my grandpa's feet. 79 00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:49,146 But you guys eat up, enjoy my grandpa's feet. 80 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,148 Oh, and you've had the best burger in New York. 81 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:56,445 It was eight years ago, my first week in New York, 82 00:03:56,529 --> 00:03:58,239 and for a kid from Minnesota, 83 00:03:58,322 --> 00:04:00,574 the big city was a scary place. 84 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,415 Thank god, it's just you. 85 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:09,458 You are being ridiculous. 86 00:04:09,542 --> 00:04:10,811 Tell me you left the apartment today. 87 00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:11,853 Why would I have to leave? 88 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,504 I can have anything I want delivered, 89 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,131 and New York City cable is awesome. 90 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:16,441 Have you seen this public access show 91 00:04:16,465 --> 00:04:18,134 with the old Jewish lady in a bikini? 92 00:04:18,217 --> 00:04:19,427 It's disgusting. 93 00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:21,720 Marshall, you have to get over this paranoia. 94 00:04:21,804 --> 00:04:23,264 You are not gonna get mugged. 95 00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:24,574 Well, what if I do, Ted, all right? 96 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:25,724 I don't have a switchblade. 97 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:27,435 I don't know how to breakdance 98 00:04:27,518 --> 00:04:29,437 and win the begrudging respect of a street gang. 99 00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:31,720 All right, that's it, you're taking a walk. Come on, go. 100 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,542 No. Look, the old lady in a bikini is back on. 101 00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:35,001 I'm just gonna lie back and get comfortable... 102 00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:37,445 Go! Go outside. Go, go. 103 00:04:37,528 --> 00:04:39,363 Okay. 104 00:04:42,408 --> 00:04:43,993 Leave the bat. 105 00:04:44,076 --> 00:04:45,202 Fine. 106 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,747 Marshall: So I went for a walk in the big, scary city. 107 00:04:48,831 --> 00:04:50,708 And I discovered something amazing. 108 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,168 It wasn't scary at all. 109 00:04:52,251 --> 00:04:53,711 All right. 110 00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:55,796 What's the word? 111 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,340 Hello. Your search is over! 112 00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:01,469 Marshall: And then, right when I started to get a little hungry, 113 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:03,471 I turned a corner... 114 00:05:05,514 --> 00:05:09,894 And there it was. The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw, 115 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:12,855 tucked between a taxidermist and a xxx bookstore. 116 00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:15,858 Name two places where things get stuffed. 117 00:05:17,151 --> 00:05:19,153 So I went inside. 118 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:22,364 And I ordered the burger. 119 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:24,742 Thank you. 120 00:06:05,658 --> 00:06:06,700 Ted. 121 00:06:06,784 --> 00:06:09,453 Ted, you've got to wake up. Ted, wake... 122 00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:12,873 Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. 123 00:06:12,957 --> 00:06:14,959 Are you okay? I'm all right. 124 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:19,755 Ted. Ted, I've just had the most amazing burger of my life! 125 00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,067 It's this awesome little place. Regis philbin eats there, 126 00:06:22,091 --> 00:06:23,926 so it's sort of like a celebrity hotspot. 127 00:06:24,009 --> 00:06:26,303 But the burger, Ted. The burger. 128 00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,847 Dude. I want one of those burgers right now! 129 00:06:28,973 --> 00:06:30,659 Do you think they're still open? I don't know. 130 00:06:30,683 --> 00:06:33,644 Does stuff in New York stay open past 9:30? 131 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:36,397 Marshall: So we went out to get another burger. 132 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,148 But after hours of searching... 133 00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,568 Damn it! Where is this place? 134 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:42,027 You couldn't find it? 135 00:06:42,111 --> 00:06:43,171 We didn't know our way around. 136 00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:45,131 Just getting back to the apartment took us three hours 137 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,740 and one very helpful drag queen. 138 00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:48,909 Wait, Betty noir was a drag queen? 139 00:06:50,327 --> 00:06:51,787 Well, where do you think it was? 140 00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,956 Probably tucked between her legs. 141 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:56,750 You know what's not a drag? 142 00:06:56,834 --> 00:07:00,254 Getting a home equity loan at Goliath national bank. I'm just saying. 143 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:03,090 Anyways, we never found the place. 144 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:07,469 Now eight years have passed, still no burger. 145 00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,599 I couldn't help but overhear. 146 00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:13,434 Okay, here we go. 147 00:07:13,517 --> 00:07:14,786 I know the place you're talking about. 148 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:15,936 No, you don't. 149 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:18,230 It's a place called the corner bistro. 150 00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:19,815 Great burger. 151 00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:23,027 Oh! Oh, the corner bistro! 152 00:07:23,736 --> 00:07:25,487 It's amazing, I spent a quarter of my life 153 00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:27,382 searching for the best burger in New York City, 154 00:07:27,406 --> 00:07:30,117 but silly me, it never occurred to me 155 00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,870 to check the highest-rated burger in the zagat guide. 156 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,705 Wow, thanks a lot, guy. 157 00:07:34,788 --> 00:07:36,498 Let me return the favor. 158 00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:39,960 Great cup of coffee? Starbucks. 159 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,086 Shh! 160 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,592 So I take it you've tried the corner bistro. 161 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:50,804 Robin, I've tried every so-called best burger in New York City 162 00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:55,684 trying to find that burger. Or at least forget about her. 163 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,495 We're going. 164 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,748 But none of those places even came close. 165 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:18,999 Hey, there was that one time 166 00:08:19,083 --> 00:08:20,963 we thought we had a break in the case, remember? 167 00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:25,339 Get this. You know who works out at my gym? Regis philbin. 168 00:08:25,422 --> 00:08:27,257 The autographed picture. 169 00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,218 Of course, I remember the place. 170 00:08:29,301 --> 00:08:31,345 It was the best burger ieverhad. 171 00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,014 I still have dreams about this burger. 172 00:08:34,098 --> 00:08:36,433 Beautiful, haunting dreams! 173 00:08:36,517 --> 00:08:38,268 I wake up at night, screaming, 174 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,688 "get out of my head, burger! Get out!" 175 00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,314 That's the one, Mr. Philbin. 176 00:08:42,398 --> 00:08:43,500 Do you remember where it is? 177 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,442 No! I never wrote it down. 178 00:08:45,526 --> 00:08:49,446 But not a day goes by that I don't regret it. 179 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:51,699 Why? Why? Do you know where it is? No. 180 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:53,617 And if you tell me it's at the corner bistro, 181 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:55,181 I'm gonna smack you right in the face! 182 00:08:55,244 --> 00:08:56,453 No, we don't know where it is. 183 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:58,789 Listen, blondie! Don't mess with me! 184 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:01,166 Daddy needs his meat. 185 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,420 I don't know where it is, Regis, I swear! 186 00:09:04,503 --> 00:09:06,630 What about you, lurch? 187 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,465 And what about you, satchel-mouth? 188 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:09,758 Satchel-mouth? 189 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:14,555 This is my cell. You find that burger, you call me day or night. 190 00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:16,306 Okay, Regis, we will, we will. 191 00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,785 All right, so what are you waiting for? Get out and find the burger! 192 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:20,769 All right, all right. Regis: Let's go, all of you! 193 00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,231 That's where my story ends. 194 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:28,444 Now I'm doomed to walk the earth forever, searching for that green door 195 00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:31,280 and that red neon sign that says "burger." 196 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,907 Green door, red neon sign that says "burger"? 197 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,033 Yeah. I know that place. 198 00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:36,452 I've walked by it a million times. 199 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:39,079 It's on west 12th, right off of 7th. 200 00:09:39,163 --> 00:09:41,957 I knew it was on a numbered street! 201 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:44,001 Finally. Nolromn! 202 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,919 If any of us is gonna eat a burger tonight, 203 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,046 it's gonna be the best burger in New York. 204 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:49,923 We're going downtown! 205 00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:59,349 I cannot believe we're finally gonna have this burger. 206 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,602 Honey, I'm so excited for you. 207 00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:04,730 After all these interviews, after all these disappointments, 208 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,608 you deserve a triumphant mouthful of meat. 209 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,735 You know what else is a mouthful? 210 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,779 All that double-talk other banks give you. 211 00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:15,616 At Goliath, customer satisfaction is our most important investment. 212 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,284 Barney, I hate to break this to you, 213 00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,328 but working for a bank's kind of lame. 214 00:10:19,411 --> 00:10:23,207 Oh, yeah. How lame is free automatic bill pay, lil? 215 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,335 How lame is 3.3% apy online savings? 216 00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,128 Yeah! That's right. 217 00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:30,190 Hate to make you look stupid in front of your friends, 218 00:10:30,214 --> 00:10:31,632 but you left me no choice. 219 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,135 Ooh! We should probably call Regis. 220 00:10:35,219 --> 00:10:38,263 Regis. God, that guy scares me. 221 00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:39,598 I think I'll leave him a text. 222 00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:42,476 Now, Kathy, your last flip was heads. 223 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:43,977 The one before that was tails. 224 00:10:44,061 --> 00:10:47,314 You polled the audience, they came out split, 50-50. 225 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:53,195 No help at all there. So, for $258,000, 226 00:10:53,904 --> 00:10:56,907 I have to ask you, Kathy, what's it gonna be? 227 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,409 Heads or... 228 00:11:01,078 --> 00:11:02,621 Excuse me. 229 00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:06,041 Oh, boy. I've got to go. I've got to go! 230 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,128 Green door, red neon sign. 231 00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:12,297 Guys, this is the place. 232 00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:15,008 No, no, I've actually... I've prepared a few words. 233 00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:16,134 I will eat your hand! 234 00:11:16,218 --> 00:11:19,012 All right, let's just go inside then, shall we? 235 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:20,430 Thank you. You're welcome. 236 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:22,099 Yours will be right out. 237 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,228 Please, go ahead, start. 238 00:11:27,563 --> 00:11:28,689 Just shut up and eat. 239 00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,065 All right. 240 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,530 Oh, my god. I'm never brushing my teeth again 241 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,992 unless it's with a toothbrush made from this burger. 242 00:11:40,075 --> 00:11:42,786 I think I just had my first burg-asm. 243 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:50,085 I want to take this burger out to dinner, then maybe a movie, 244 00:11:50,168 --> 00:11:51,962 then take it back to my place, 245 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,881 put on a little Terence Trent d'arby, 246 00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:57,718 and then I would just fool around a little bit. 247 00:11:57,801 --> 00:12:00,929 Nothing serious. Just take it slow, you know? 248 00:12:01,013 --> 00:12:02,139 This isn't it. What? 249 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,391 Marshall! It's not it! 250 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,019 Okay, Marshall, you might not want to hear this, 251 00:12:07,102 --> 00:12:10,022 but is it at all possible this is the same burger you had eight years ago, 252 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:12,667 only it could never live up to your ridiculously high expectations? 253 00:12:12,691 --> 00:12:14,192 I mean, it is just a burger. 254 00:12:14,276 --> 00:12:15,694 Just a burger? 255 00:12:16,612 --> 00:12:18,155 Just a burger? 256 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:22,326 Robin, it's so much more than just a burger. 257 00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:25,746 I mean, that first bite... 258 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:29,541 Oh, what heaven that first bite is. 259 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:33,545 The bun, like a sesame-freckled breast of an angel, 260 00:12:33,629 --> 00:12:36,214 resting gently on the ketchup and mustard below. 261 00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:39,718 Flavors mingling in a seductive pas de deux. 262 00:12:40,510 --> 00:12:44,765 And then, a pickle, 263 00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:48,602 the most playful little pickle, 264 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:52,439 then a slice of tomato, a leaf of lettuce, and a... 265 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:57,486 A Patty of ground beef so exquisite, 266 00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:01,615 swirling in your mouth, breaking apart and combining again 267 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:04,618 in a fugue of sweets and savories so 268 00:13:06,036 --> 00:13:07,663 dethfiul 269 00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:12,000 this is no mere sandwich of grilled meat and toasted bread, Robin. 270 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:16,546 This is god speaking to us through food. 271 00:13:19,049 --> 00:13:22,135 And you got our wedding vows off the Internet. 272 00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:28,016 Okay, look, so this isn't the place. All right, it's no big deal. 273 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:29,935 It's another place with a green door 274 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,229 and a red neon sign that says "burger." 275 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,356 I'll call every restaurant in Manhattan 276 00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,651 and ask them what color their door is. 277 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,153 No big deal, right? Let's do this. 278 00:13:40,237 --> 00:13:41,238 Whoo! 279 00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:46,535 I'm going to go out on a limb here 280 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:48,578 and say this isn't just about a burger. 281 00:13:48,662 --> 00:13:50,664 Marshall's not doing so well, guys. 282 00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,666 He really needs to get a job. 283 00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,167 Tell them about the underpants. 284 00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:56,128 What about the underpants? 285 00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:59,297 It started a couple of weeks ago. 286 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:04,428 Heads! It's gonna be heads. It's almost usually heads. 287 00:14:05,554 --> 00:14:07,347 Hey, baby. 288 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:11,101 Nope. Did you put on pantstoday? 289 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:17,190 It was funny at first, but then it became a daily thing. 290 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:21,153 I thought, "okay, well, at least he's not leaving the house like that." 291 00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:24,573 Then one day, he opened the door to get the paper. 292 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:28,493 Day after that, went downstairs to get the mail. 293 00:14:29,411 --> 00:14:31,955 Everyone's got an underpants radius. 294 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:35,542 For most of us, it's the distance from the bedroom to the bathroom. 295 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,170 But as your self-esteem gets smaller, 296 00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,464 your underpants radius gets bigger. 297 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:43,675 How big is Marshall's underpants radius? 298 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:46,428 We're going. 299 00:14:52,267 --> 00:14:54,936 Come on, Lily, he'll find a job eventually. 300 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:57,147 You know, lil, when times are tough, 301 00:14:57,230 --> 00:15:00,400 I like to remember the uplifting words of my favorite song. 302 00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:04,196 We'll be on your side when you need a friend 303 00:15:04,279 --> 00:15:08,450 through thick and thin you can always depend 304 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:13,830 on the world leaders in credit and banking 305 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:17,918 Goliath national bank! 306 00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,544 Member, fdic. 307 00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,255 We've got to find Marshall that burger. 308 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,091 Lily, I think we're all eating that burger. 309 00:15:24,174 --> 00:15:25,675 I'm not eating that burger. 310 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:29,054 No, if Marshall says this isn't the burger, this isn't the burger. 311 00:15:29,137 --> 00:15:30,347 Finally. Excuse me. 312 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,100 Yes. Did you guys change cooks or something? 313 00:15:33,183 --> 00:15:35,060 Because my husband was here a few years ago, 314 00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,062 and he's pretty sure he had a different burger. 315 00:15:37,145 --> 00:15:38,313 Yeah, we get this a lot. 316 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:40,607 This place is modeled after this other place uptown 317 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,335 with the same green door and "burger" sign. 318 00:15:42,359 --> 00:15:43,819 What? Uptown? Where? 319 00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,570 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 320 00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:51,993 Damn it. 321 00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:55,705 106. A numbered street. Of course. 322 00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:00,752 Barney Stinson. Barney, where the hell are you? 323 00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:03,046 I'm sorry, this is... 324 00:16:03,213 --> 00:16:04,798 Regis. I'm at the place. 325 00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,800 Regis, of course. 326 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,385 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 327 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,148 I forgot to call you. That's not the place. 328 00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:12,264 The real place is on 106th and Manhattan Avenue. 329 00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:13,407 We're headed there right now. 330 00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,100 What? Uptown? 331 00:16:19,396 --> 00:16:21,731 Fine, fine, I'll be there in 20. 332 00:16:21,815 --> 00:16:24,359 If you get there first, medium rare... 333 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,444 Onions? Onions? 334 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,821 Okay, no onions. 335 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:28,905 Stop the cab! 336 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,787 Wait. This is it. 337 00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:40,876 Your search is over! We got girls taking off their clothes! 338 00:16:40,959 --> 00:16:42,419 This is it. 339 00:16:52,304 --> 00:16:54,931 One of 9,000 convenient locations. 340 00:16:59,811 --> 00:17:01,354 It was right here. 341 00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:04,524 It was right on this very spot. 342 00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,943 I don't understand. Where is the burger place? 343 00:17:07,027 --> 00:17:08,254 It's not a burger place anymore, 344 00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:09,696 it's a Goliath national bank atm. 345 00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:12,240 Well, that's fine. Let's just eat here. 346 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,784 We can't eat here. It's an atm. 347 00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,661 But, food. 348 00:17:16,745 --> 00:17:17,871 Ow! Ow! 349 00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:18,954 Hey, what the... 350 00:17:18,997 --> 00:17:21,541 This is your fault, you and your stupid bank. 351 00:17:21,625 --> 00:17:22,709 You did this. 352 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,211 It's not my... stop, okay. 353 00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:25,378 Stop it, Lily. 354 00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,798 I will never use a Goliath atm ever again. 355 00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,092 Goliath national bank sucks! 356 00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,803 It's the worst bank on the face of the earth. 357 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:38,308 Attention, new yorkers, this bank sucks! They suck! 358 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,601 They suck, suck, suck! 359 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,728 Marshall, will you just tell her already? 360 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:43,438 Tell me what? 361 00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,524 Tell me what? 362 00:17:46,608 --> 00:17:48,151 I got a job. 363 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:49,861 What? Where? 364 00:17:50,528 --> 00:17:52,197 Goliath national bank. 365 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:55,218 That's why Barney's been going on and on about how great Goliath is. 366 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:56,602 He wanted you to be excited for me, 367 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,703 since we're gonna be working there together. 368 00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:00,747 Well, technically not together. 369 00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,874 You won't have access to my floor. 370 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,753 But you want to be an environmental lawyer. 371 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:09,214 Yeah, you know, and I also want to be a Harlem globetrotter 372 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:10,966 and get paid in candy, but... 373 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:13,426 In the meantime, I need a job, 374 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,637 and this is a really good one. 375 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:19,182 It's great pay and there's good benefits, 376 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:21,184 and, to be honest, 377 00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,937 it gives me a reason to put on pants in the morning. 378 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,915 You know, I have my whole life to save the planet, 379 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:29,526 but right now, I'm kind of really excited to wear pants again. 380 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,653 You've got great pants. 381 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,320 I love you. 382 00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:34,489 I love you. 383 00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:36,658 Robin, no! 384 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:38,034 They're unopened. Give it. 385 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,245 They're barbecue. Give it! 386 00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,957 I'm sorry you didn't get your burger. It's stupid. 387 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,668 I think about that first week in New York, you know? 388 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,628 I was 22 years old. 389 00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:51,131 I had my whole future ahead of me. 390 00:18:51,214 --> 00:18:55,468 I guess I just kind of thought that if I could have that burger one more time 391 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,637 and feel that way for one more night, 392 00:18:57,721 --> 00:19:01,641 that I might be able to check that off the list and grow up, 393 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:04,894 go work for the stupid bank and just be happy. 394 00:19:05,729 --> 00:19:07,397 You know, that burger place isn't gone. 395 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,858 It just moved to a new location. 396 00:19:09,941 --> 00:19:12,444 And I can tell you where that is for 100 bucks. 397 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,779 100 bucks? That's crazy. 398 00:19:16,781 --> 00:19:18,825 Let's pay the man. I paid for the cab. 399 00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,786 I don't have any cash. I haven't worked since march. 400 00:19:21,870 --> 00:19:25,081 Wow, if only there were an easy, convenient way 401 00:19:25,165 --> 00:19:27,417 to get some cash right now. 402 00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,011 Member, fdic. 403 00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:42,474 Older Ted: So we paid the guy, and 20 minutes later... 404 00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:43,641 Thank you. 405 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:45,518 All right, Marshall, remember, 406 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,853 it might not taste as good. 407 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:49,814 This place has changed, you've changed, New York has changed. 408 00:19:49,898 --> 00:19:52,901 Just don't get your hopes up too high, okay? 409 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:05,538 This is it. Yes! 410 00:20:05,622 --> 00:20:07,415 It's exactly the same. 411 00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:09,542 It's the best burger in New York. 412 00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,544 Go ahead, eat up, eat up. 413 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:14,047 Older Ted: And so, after finally tasting again 414 00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,633 the burger he'd craved for so many years, 415 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,301 Marshall got up the next morning, 416 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,554 put on some pants and went to work. 417 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,556 And he never looked back. 418 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,021 I want to get tiny fitted sheets for this burger 419 00:20:30,105 --> 00:20:34,943 and just crawl into this bun, get all cozy and die there. 420 00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:39,072 Oh, my god. I just want you inside of me. 421 00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:42,742 This feels so good. 422 00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:45,578 I'm worried I'm gonna get this burger pregnant. 423 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,914 If he does get that burger pregnant, 424 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:50,417 I have dibs on the delicious burger babies. 425 00:20:52,836 --> 00:20:53,837 This isn't it. 426 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,004 What? 427 00:20:55,171 --> 00:20:56,256 No, Regis philbin! 428 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:57,424 Thatsouflageous comeon 429 00:20:57,507 --> 00:20:59,426 that is unbelievable! 430 00:21:00,635 --> 00:21:03,263 Wait. This is it! Yes! 431 00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:07,016 I knew I was getting it, Regis philbin! Bring it!