1 00:00:02,770 --> 00:00:05,206 NARRATOR: Kids, this is the story of the cab ride 2 00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,208 that changed my life. 3 00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:09,543 I know it sounds crazy, but for all I know 4 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:12,713 my life would be very different if I had taken, say... 5 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:15,216 that cab. 6 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,318 Or that cab. 7 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,019 God knows what would have happened 8 00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:21,122 if I had gotten into that cab. 9 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,295 I took this cab. 10 00:00:27,328 --> 00:00:30,131 And it changed my whole life. 11 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:39,873 But first, we need to back up a little. 12 00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,309 Hey. 13 00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,444 Is there any beer in the fridge? 14 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:44,845 It's 10:00 in the morning. 15 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,114 Grab me one. 16 00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,482 So, 17 00:00:48,516 --> 00:00:51,652 something bad just happened. 18 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:54,088 Stella and I were out having breakfast. 19 00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:56,890 So, my sister broke up with her boyfriend. 20 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,092 Well, I can finally say it. 21 00:00:58,126 --> 00:00:59,327 I hated that guy! 22 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,294 Everything out of his mouth is, 23 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:01,962 "I'm a vegan. 24 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,731 "Fish feel pain. 25 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,733 I'm never constipated." 26 00:01:05,766 --> 00:01:07,034 The guy's an idiot. 27 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,369 Actually, she's marrying him. 28 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:10,104 I just wanted your honest opinion. 29 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:12,473 He's actually a really nice guy. 30 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,508 I think there's a wisdom to... 31 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,012 Anyway, they picked a date, so, uh, 32 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:20,214 you want to come with me, 33 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,515 so that we can laugh our asses off 34 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,050 as we watch him walk barefoot down the aisle 35 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,152 in a hemp tuxedo? 36 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:25,186 Yeah, sure. When is it? 37 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,887 Uh, first weekend in November. 38 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,021 Is that 39 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,123 the something bad? 40 00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,891 That she invited you to a wedding? 41 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,260 Six months from now. 42 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,196 As in we'll be together six months from now. 43 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,164 Do you guys remember 44 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,331 Barney's whole thing about making plans 45 00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,666 in a relationship? 46 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,468 Fourth row. 47 00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:41,569 Ted, no. 48 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,971 You're violating the date-time continuum. 49 00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:44,838 You never make 50 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,707 plans with a girl further in the future 51 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:48,642 than the amount of time you've been going out. 52 00:01:48,676 --> 00:01:50,578 You've been dating this girl for, what, two weeks? 53 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:53,447 No, you're not taking her to a Springsteen concert in January. 54 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:58,186 By that time you won't even remember this Robin girl's name. 55 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,156 Ugh, man, I love Springsteen! 56 00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,792 He's like the American Bryan Adams. 57 00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,360 Well... 58 00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:07,228 But 59 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,562 Barney had a point. 60 00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,198 As soon as she started talking about the wedding, 61 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,599 it freaked me out. 62 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:13,334 Oh, that sounds like so much fun. 63 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:15,068 Mmm. So I get to look forward to it 64 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,171 for six months. 65 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,139 Which is twice as long as we've been dating. 66 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,608 Uh-oh. 67 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,310 I'm sure your daughter Lucy'll come 68 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:25,679 so it'll be like a... a family trip. 69 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,316 Our first trip as our funny little family. 70 00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:30,651 So that... that'll be super-exciting. 71 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,453 Oh, boy. 72 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:35,289 Man, they crank up the heat in these places. 73 00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:38,125 What's going on, Ted? 74 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,394 We need to talk. 75 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,829 Oh. Oh. Oh. 76 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,397 "We need to talk"? 77 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,234 There's only two situations where you say that to someone 78 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:47,735 and unless you're pregnant, 79 00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,570 it sounds like you broke up with her. 80 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,272 Yeah, I did. 81 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,940 (gasping) 82 00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,208 So how did she take it? 83 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,376 Um... 84 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,611 I'm only trying to be honest with you. 85 00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:00,548 You know, Ted. I have to go to work. 86 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:01,582 Stella, can we just... 87 00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,116 I don't want to leave it like this. 88 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,852 No, Ted, it's okay. 89 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,920 We're good. 90 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:09,923 Ow! 91 00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,292 Look, I know it sounds rough, 92 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,793 but Stella's a mom. 93 00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,061 I have to be responsible. 94 00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,195 If I'm having these 95 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,265 feelings now, what if they don't go away? 96 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:18,799 What if they just get worse and worse 97 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:20,868 and six months from now, I break up with her 98 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,170 over tofu salmon at her sister's wedding? 99 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:24,305 I can't do that 100 00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:26,039 to her. And I definitely can't do that 101 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,675 to her daughter. 102 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,977 It sucks, but I'm being the good guy here. 103 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,881 This is the right decision. 104 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:36,484 Which brings me back to the cab ride. 105 00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:42,556 Hello, may I speak with Marshall Eriksen? 106 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:51,299 * 107 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,306 * 108 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,411 * 109 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:33,507 * 110 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:44,117 Hey, guys. 111 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,553 Jell-O? 112 00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,805 I can't believe this. So you're totally fine. 113 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,239 No, I'm not fine. 114 00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:08,008 I made the biggest mistake of my life. 115 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,477 I want Stella back. 116 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,879 I've left her like ten messages, but her phone's off. 117 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:12,746 She's at that 118 00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,682 arcade Kiddie Funland with her daughter. 119 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:16,684 Please. 120 00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:18,419 Let me go to Kiddie Funland. 121 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,354 You can say that all you want, buddy, 122 00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:21,889 but you're not getting any morphine. 123 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:24,191 No, I'm serious. I got to get out of here. 124 00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:26,694 You're not going anywhere until we get the tests back. 125 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,928 You could have internal bleeding. 126 00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,063 Your brain could be all full of blood. 127 00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:31,264 Think that's good for it? 128 00:05:31,298 --> 00:05:32,400 It ain't. 129 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,967 This sucks. 130 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:34,868 This sucks. 131 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,103 This sucks. This sucks. Are you... 132 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:37,204 are you kidding me? 133 00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,806 You walked away 134 00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,074 from a car accident without a scratch. 135 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,911 A miracle took place today. 136 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:44,878 Oh, here we go. 137 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,880 You don't think this was a miracle? 138 00:05:46,914 --> 00:05:49,349 There's no such thing as miracles. 139 00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:52,786 March 2006, MacLaren's Bar. 140 00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:53,721 Oh. 141 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,055 That's terrible. Gentle. 142 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:56,189 That's in! Gentle. 143 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,991 Ow. Here we go. 144 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,161 Hey! 145 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:02,162 Bravo. 146 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:03,431 Cheers... 147 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,467 Mm-hmm. 148 00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:11,371 (whimpering) 149 00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,706 No... way. 150 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:14,775 That did not just happen. 151 00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:16,777 Am I dead? 152 00:06:16,810 --> 00:06:18,679 Am I dead? 153 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,781 Miracle! 154 00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,750 A pencil went up Barney's nose, 155 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,852 and you call it a miracle. 156 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,854 Well, do you have a better explanation for it? 157 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:29,623 A drunk jackass with a box of pencils? 158 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,792 A drunk jackass called "God!" 159 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:35,863 And a box of pencils called "destiny!" 160 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,298 Speaking of Barney, I should give him a call. 161 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:39,733 Why? We're not friends anymore. 162 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,436 You'd want to know if this happened to him. 163 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,537 (phone ringing) 164 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,305 Go for Barney. 165 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,507 Hey, Barney. 166 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:48,442 Listen, I have something to tell you. 167 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,478 Oh, boy, here we go. 168 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,179 I've been waiting for this one. 169 00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,346 You talked to Robin. 170 00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,748 She told you what's under the hood 171 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,784 and you want to take it for a spin yourself. 172 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,787 Not even if you boiled it in detergent. 173 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:01,989 It's about Ted. 174 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,056 Ted? 175 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,091 (chuckles) 176 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,493 My former best friend Ted 177 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:07,427 who I asked you never to mention to me again? 178 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,529 Yeah. 179 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,330 He's been in a car accident. 180 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:12,132 He's at Saint Anthony's hospital. 181 00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:13,233 Everything's... 182 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,269 No, I understand. 183 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:19,006 You've got that important thing. 184 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,240 Okay. 185 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,775 Oh, of course 186 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:23,076 I'll tell him you love him. 187 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,011 Okay. 188 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,913 Suit up! 189 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,616 He is always saying stuff like that! 190 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,651 He hung up, didn't he? Yeah. 191 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:32,653 See, I told you. We're not friends anymore. 192 00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:36,657 (speaking Korean) 193 00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:42,262 What did he say? 194 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,197 Ah, a hundred and thir... What? 195 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,332 You... 196 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,568 I'm coming, Ted. 197 00:07:49,637 --> 00:07:52,172 So, what made you change your mind about Stella? 198 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,743 Well, I was in the cab, and the car was coming at me, 199 00:07:55,776 --> 00:07:58,145 and you know how they say that your whole life flashes 200 00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,247 before your eyes in a near-death experience? 201 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,682 It doesn't. 202 00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:03,283 You don't see everything. 203 00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:05,218 Just the things you love. 204 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,622 (glass shattering) (crashing) 205 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:09,890 I realized in that moment 206 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,892 that Stella is the most important thing in my life 207 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,326 and-and I have to get her back. 208 00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,327 Aw! 209 00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,328 Miracle! 210 00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:16,964 Very sweet. 211 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,498 Very romantic. 212 00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,333 Not a miracle. 213 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:23,103 July 1999. 214 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:25,105 Kennedy Airport. 215 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:27,307 So, did you enjoy... 216 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,843 Amsterdam? 217 00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:31,278 No. 218 00:08:31,311 --> 00:08:32,546 Nothing illegal. 219 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,882 Paintings. 220 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,784 All right, Bob Marley. 221 00:08:36,817 --> 00:08:38,952 Let's have a conversation. 222 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,988 (man coughing) 223 00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,892 Shift change. 224 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,530 Oh, Amsterdam. 225 00:08:51,331 --> 00:08:53,400 All right. 226 00:08:53,433 --> 00:08:55,903 Float on through, brother. 227 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,909 Miracle! 228 00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,678 Don't you go into the light! 229 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:07,014 Don't you do it! 230 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:07,681 Hey, Mosby, 231 00:09:07,715 --> 00:09:09,817 you got a visitor. 232 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,126 Hey, guys. 233 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,761 Hey. Hey. Hey. 234 00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:22,730 Can you guys, uh, give us a minute? 235 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,636 Stella, before you say anything... 236 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,437 I love you. 237 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:32,205 I love you, too. 238 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,406 Can we just forget about... 239 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,775 It's forgotten. 240 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,811 Is this your chart? 241 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,081 Okay. 242 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,650 Uh-huh. 243 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,652 Everything looks good. 244 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:46,654 I think you can handle it. 245 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:48,121 Handle what? 246 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:53,661 Aww! Aww! Aww! 247 00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:54,728 This morning 248 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:55,963 he dumped her and now 249 00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:58,531 she's dry-humping him on a hospital bed. 250 00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,300 Miracle! Yeah, 251 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,369 you know, I bet if you call up the Vatican, 252 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,537 they will tell you that most of their certified miracles 253 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,106 involve dry-humping, so. 254 00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:09,509 April 2008. 255 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:11,779 Lily's kindergarten classroom. 256 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,113 You're gonna go in there 257 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,715 and beg for your old job back? 258 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:15,849 That's crazy. 259 00:10:15,883 --> 00:10:17,317 You hated it there. 260 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,353 I-I know, the job market is just really bad right now. 261 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:22,956 Hey, kids, 262 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:26,193 who wants Uncle Marshall to get his old job back? 263 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,695 (cheering) 264 00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,162 They'll cheer 265 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:31,431 for anything if you say it like that. 266 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,767 Kids, a super tanker 267 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:35,903 spilled five million gallons of oil 268 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,371 off the coast of Alaska this morning! 269 00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:40,140 (cheering) 270 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:43,744 BOB HEWITT: Hello, Marshall. 271 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:45,245 Mr. Hewitt, 272 00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,814 I came here to apologize. 273 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,381 I'm going to go grab some more glue. 274 00:10:48,415 --> 00:10:50,150 Will you watch them for a sec? 275 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,251 Of course. 276 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,655 Leaving Nicholson, Hewitt, and West was a huge mistake, 277 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,124 and I can see that now. 278 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,358 So... 279 00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,793 who wants to see the big guy 280 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,695 put on these tiny hats? 281 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,897 (cheering) 282 00:11:03,931 --> 00:11:06,700 My behavior was disrespectful. 283 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,435 It was unprofessional. 284 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,303 I'm a pilgrim. 285 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:12,973 I know it looks like I have a tiny hat, 286 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:16,844 but in reality, I have an abnormally large head! 287 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,979 (all laughing) 288 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,949 I was going through a stressful time. 289 00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:23,784 I wasn't getting enough sleep. 290 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:27,821 Fourscore and seven years ago, 291 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:31,591 I had a great, big giant head! 292 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:32,960 (laughing) 293 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,561 I had just bought an apartment, 294 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,129 and there were some problems. 295 00:11:36,163 --> 00:11:38,866 I-I don't want to bore you with the details. 296 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:43,270 I only regret that I have but one giant head 297 00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,138 to give for my country. 298 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,340 (all laughing) 299 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,843 Sir, if you could just see your way into giving me 300 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,079 one more chance, I promise... Marshall. 301 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,381 I'm willing to give this a second chance. 302 00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:55,448 I remember my 303 00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:57,717 first years as an attorney. 304 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,486 Why, I don't know how many hours I spent. 305 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,588 I don't think I ever left... 306 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:02,790 (thinking): Oh, my God! 307 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:04,758 I have lice. 308 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:06,827 Those little bastards gave me lice. 309 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:08,328 God, it itches. 310 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:09,462 Don't scratch it. 311 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:10,597 You'll look like a fool. 312 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,332 You'll never get your job back. 313 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,835 Okay, you can scratch, but just make it subtle. 314 00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:18,338 Okay, that's not working. 315 00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:19,973 Oh, sweet, sharp corner of the desk, 316 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,475 how I long to rub my infested scalp against you. 317 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:26,947 I was, um... just, uh... 318 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:30,350 You okay, Eriksen? 319 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,119 Oh! Oh, yes, I'm good. 320 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,287 I am good. 321 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,856 Continue. 322 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:37,791 Mind over matter. 323 00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:39,726 There are no lice in my hair... 324 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,461 laying eggs, 325 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,230 burrowing into my scalp, 326 00:12:43,263 --> 00:12:45,565 eating their way all the way down to my brain! 327 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,467 I have lice! 328 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:48,969 "Lice"?! Lice! Get out! 329 00:12:49,002 --> 00:12:50,403 Get out of my office! 330 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,140 We've got lice! 331 00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,541 Everybody out of the building. 332 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,077 If it weren't for the lice, 333 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,378 I would have gotten my job back, 334 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:00,380 and I would have been working there when, 335 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,883 two weeks later, the Securities and Exchange Commission 336 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,184 came a-knocking. 337 00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:06,353 God sent those lice to my head 338 00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:08,721 like he sent the locusts to Egypt: 339 00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,291 to liberate me from corporate bondage. 340 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,525 Miracle. 341 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:14,761 Hey, guys. 342 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:16,796 Oh, I'm just so glad 343 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,332 you and Ted are back together. Yeah. 344 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,169 Wait, um, what do you mean "back together"? 345 00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,605 Well, you know, since you guys broke up. 346 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,474 What? Oh, no. 347 00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:28,608 It was just a small fight. 348 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,877 That wasn't a breakup. 349 00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,014 Was that a breakup? Did he think that was a breakup? 350 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,749 What? 351 00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:38,886 Son of a bitch! 352 00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,425 That was a breakup. Wasn't it? 353 00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:46,559 You broke up with me. 354 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:47,861 Yeah. 355 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,530 I didn't know that that was a breakup. 356 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,764 Are you kidding? 357 00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:53,100 I-I said, "I feel awful." 358 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,968 You said, "We're good." 359 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,236 Then you got up and left. 360 00:13:56,269 --> 00:13:58,405 Yeah, I said, "We're good," 361 00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,907 as in "We're good." 362 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:01,541 Like when the waiter comes around and asks 363 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,911 if you want any more muffins, and you say, "We're good." 364 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:07,080 Exactly, and I took that "We're good" to mean 365 00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:08,281 you didn't want any more 366 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:10,450 metaphorical relationship muffins. 367 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,685 This is crazy. 368 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:13,887 Forget about all that. 369 00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:16,489 That was a whole life-changing car accident ago. 370 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,724 I love you. 371 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:18,959 I don't want to break up. 372 00:14:18,992 --> 00:14:20,560 But you did. 373 00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:21,761 You did want to. 374 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,196 And if you had those feelings once, 375 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,464 then you're going to have those feelings again, 376 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:25,899 and you're going to keep on having them. 377 00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:27,834 And I can't count on that car to hit you 378 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,002 every time you do. 379 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,537 What are you saying? 380 00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:32,605 I'm saying... 381 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,873 you wanted your breakup, 382 00:14:33,907 --> 00:14:35,075 you got it. 383 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:36,209 What?! Stella, wait! 384 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,710 No, you know what, Ted? 385 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:39,579 We're good. 386 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,990 So you broke up with her and she didn't know it? 387 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:51,291 Apparently. 388 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:54,094 And you actually said, "I want to break up"? 389 00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,162 No, of course not. 390 00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:56,329 Who says "I want to break up"? 391 00:14:56,363 --> 00:14:57,564 That's a horrible thing to say. 392 00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:58,999 Well, that's true. 393 00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,234 (cell phone ringing) 394 00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:04,871 Hello? 395 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,339 Hi, Ted Mosby? We have you 396 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:09,376 listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson. 397 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:11,478 What is it? 398 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,613 NARRATOR: What it was was this. 399 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,984 (panting) 400 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,556 I made it. I made it! 401 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,266 Dude, I... 402 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,103 I can't believe you ran all the way up here. 403 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,406 Jeez. Flatter yourself much? 404 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:40,507 What an ego 405 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:41,841 on this guy. 406 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:43,943 Um, I was up in this part of town 407 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,512 because I had to attend 408 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:48,815 a very important international business meeting. 409 00:15:48,848 --> 00:15:50,083 If you're here 410 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:53,353 to come crawling back, just save it. 411 00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,488 I'm doing awesome without you. 412 00:15:56,923 --> 00:15:58,091 Even better now, 'cause I can play 413 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,260 the sympathy card with the females. 414 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,295 And BTW, 415 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,764 there's one bone downstairs that ain't broken. 416 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,333 Marshall, 417 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,336 you know what I'm talking about. 418 00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:10,837 Up top! 419 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,605 Hup! 420 00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:13,873 Are you sure? 421 00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,709 Yeah, dude. Why do you think I had them set it this way? 422 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,945 Okay. 423 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,681 Ow! 424 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,352 Worth it. 425 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,486 (groans) 426 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,690 Barney, you, uh... 427 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:32,492 You could've died. 428 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:37,197 Ted, I'm sorry I broke the bro code. 429 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,631 No, I'm-I'm sorry. 430 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,203 Ted, can we be friends again? 431 00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:46,706 Barney, come on, we're... we're more than friends. 432 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:47,774 We're brothers. 433 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,444 You're my brother, Ted. You're my 434 00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:52,479 brother, Barney. 435 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,980 (chuckling) 436 00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,582 Did you hear that, Marshall? 437 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:57,084 We're brothers now. 438 00:16:57,117 --> 00:16:58,518 Marshall's my brother, too. 439 00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,288 We're all brothers. 440 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,090 Yeah, but I'm your best brother, right? 441 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:05,692 And that's how your Uncle Barney 442 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,127 and I buried the hatchet. 443 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:08,995 It got pretty mushy and embarrassing after that. 444 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,897 Let's skip ahead. 445 00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:13,032 I had to look away because if I watched 446 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,634 what the paramedics were about to do, 447 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:15,768 I would have passed out. 448 00:17:15,802 --> 00:17:17,404 Then they took out this 449 00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:21,007 electric blade thing and I kept thinking, 450 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:23,143 "This isn't happening. This isn't happening." 451 00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:25,512 Oh, my God. What did they cut? 452 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,614 My suit. 453 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,749 My beautiful suit. 454 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:34,187 But you're alive, and, and Ted's alive. 455 00:17:34,221 --> 00:17:35,955 This is amazing! 456 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:39,192 Two miracles in one day. 457 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,161 (blows raspberry) 458 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,995 What is the matter with you? 459 00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,132 How can you possibly be this cynical?! 460 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:46,133 You want to know? Yeah. 461 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,734 You really want to know? Yeah! 462 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:50,170 Fine. 463 00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,604 When I was a kid, 464 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,540 I had this dog, Sir Scratchawan. 465 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,641 (chuckles) 466 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:58,345 Anyway, Sir Scratchawan got really old, 467 00:17:58,378 --> 00:18:00,347 so my parents decided to put him down. 468 00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:03,883 It was the toughest day of my young life. 469 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,785 Good-bye, Sir Scratchawan. 470 00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:07,254 I love you. 471 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:11,090 And when they took him to the vet, 472 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,826 he told them that earlier that very day, 473 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,662 he had learned about an experimental procedure 474 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:18,898 called a canine/testudine cerebro-xenograft. 475 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,066 Ever heard of it? 476 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:21,501 No. 477 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,070 Well, it saved Sir Scratchawan's life. 478 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,372 He lived another seven years. 479 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,707 Miracle. Except for one... 480 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:30,143 kind of big side effect from the surgery. 481 00:18:30,177 --> 00:18:32,179 Sir Scratchawan! 482 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,746 Welcome home! 483 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,117 He turned into a turtle. 484 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,820 I know. It's weird, right? 485 00:18:42,088 --> 00:18:43,423 Apparently, a very common complication 486 00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:46,759 from canine/testudine cerebro-xenografts. 487 00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,829 And he didn't seem to remember any of his old tricks. 488 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:52,965 Go get it, Scratchy. 489 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,000 Go get it! 490 00:18:54,033 --> 00:18:56,102 Go get it! Get it! 491 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,637 Go get it, Scratchy. 492 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,905 Go get it. 493 00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:02,975 How long was it before...? 494 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:04,944 Longer than I'm proud of, Lily. 495 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:06,913 Longer than I'm proud of. 496 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:09,949 And that's when I realized 497 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,384 miracles ain't real. 498 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:13,386 Excuse me. 499 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,755 (Barney snickers) 500 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,324 Mosby, you're still here? 501 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:20,126 Your tests came back, like, an hour ago. You're fine. 502 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,961 Are you kidding me? Why didn't you tell me?! 503 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,430 I'm sorry. 504 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,698 I guess it was rude of me to keep resuscitating that guy 505 00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:27,500 with a rake sticking out of his chest. 506 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:30,937 Um, I have to go right now. Barney, I... 507 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,939 Go. 508 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:35,942 Run, Ted. Run. 509 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,211 If there's anything I've taught you over the years, it's... 510 00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,247 Barney, he left. Oh. 511 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,483 Hey, Ted said that right before the accident, 512 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,051 his life flashed before his eyes. 513 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:46,453 You know, all the stuff he loves. 514 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:48,321 Did that happen to you? Oh, yeah. 515 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,857 I know what he saw: boobs. Scotch. 516 00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:52,359 And money. 517 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,026 Suits. A suit of money. 518 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:55,295 A suit of boobs. 519 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:58,197 A giant boob wearing a suit of money. 520 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:01,668 And the boob is lactating scotch. 521 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,471 I guess that's pretty much everything you love, right? 522 00:20:05,938 --> 00:20:08,207 Yeah, pretty much. 523 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,345 NARRATOR: Kids, a lot of weird, random things 524 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,846 have happened in my life, 525 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,882 but that car accident is one of the few 526 00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,286 I'd call a miracle, not because of what happened, 527 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,554 but because of what happened next. 528 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:24,924 Hi. 529 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,427 Hi. 530 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,895 Can I talk to you? 531 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,830 Okay. 532 00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:36,669 I got you this orange kangaroo. 533 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,407 Uh... thanks. 534 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,277 So I've been thinking about what changed 535 00:20:44,311 --> 00:20:45,845 from the moment I broke up with you 536 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,581 to the moment I knew I wanted you back. 537 00:20:48,615 --> 00:20:52,051 And, um, I think I finally figured out what happened. 538 00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,254 Your cab got T-boned by a jackass on a cell phone? 539 00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,890 No. I changed. 540 00:20:59,225 --> 00:21:01,060 I'm ready to give you what you need. 541 00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,362 That's why I spent 542 00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,664 ten minutes on the damn claw machine 543 00:21:04,697 --> 00:21:07,400 trying to get the big, fake diamond ring. 544 00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:10,737 But all I could get was this orange kangaroo. 545 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,639 Diamond ring? 546 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,042 Will you marry me?