1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,504 NARRATOR: Now, kids, the spring of 2008 2 00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,973 was a complicated time in your old man's life. 3 00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:09,177 The last time I had seen Barney was shortly after I found out 4 00:00:09,243 --> 00:00:11,379 he had spent the night with Robin. 5 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,581 Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? 6 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,684 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 7 00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,452 (phone rings) (sighs) 8 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,554 It's Barney. 9 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:23,691 Dude, seriously, you need to stop calling me. 10 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,127 Ted, I'm sorry I haven't returned your calls. 11 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,428 Yeah, I never called you. 12 00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,231 You called me 15 times and my parents twice. 13 00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:33,167 I'm sorry. I gotta let you go. 14 00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:36,104 There's just too many good wingmen out there. 15 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,507 Ted, are you crying? 16 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:41,142 No, I'm not. 17 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,311 Shh, let it out. Let it out. 18 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,513 Shh, let it out. Good-bye, Barney. 19 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,581 So, are you two back together? 20 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:48,649 No. 21 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,751 I miss Barney. 22 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,387 I haven't high-fived anyone in like a week. 23 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:57,191 I think I might be starting to lose my fist bump callus. 24 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,492 Let me ask you something, Ted. 25 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:01,028 Why are you so much madder at Barney than me? 26 00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,331 Yeah, she had just as much sex with Barney 27 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,965 as Barney had with her. 28 00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:07,701 You know what? I'm not sure that's true. 29 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,471 And I think I'd actually prefer it 30 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:13,174 if you were mad at me; this is too weird. 31 00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:14,242 I'm not mad at anybody. 32 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,343 I've forgiven you, 33 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,077 and I've outgrown Barney as a friend. 34 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:18,212 It's that simple. 35 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,047 I'll tell you why he's not mad. 36 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:22,216 It's 'cause he's so happy with Stella. 37 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,484 NARRATOR: She was right. 38 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:26,187 Stella and I had been dating for two months, 39 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,821 and things were going really well. 40 00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:30,591 She had met my friends and passed with flying colors. 41 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:33,194 There was just one little problem. 42 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:36,197 You guys haven't had sex yet?! 43 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,898 When Marshall and I were two months in, 44 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:39,900 we were doing it 24/7. 45 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,569 I know, I was in the top bunk. 46 00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,238 I also sat next to you guys at football games. 47 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,707 So what are you guys waiting for? 48 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,809 I think she wants to make sure we're serious first. 49 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,978 That's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter, either. 50 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,446 She wants to take things slow. 51 00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:58,085 Wait, so you haven't had sex since, like, Thanksgiving. 52 00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,188 Do you know how many big federal holidays 53 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:01,789 have come and gone since then? 54 00:02:01,855 --> 00:02:05,193 Ooh, baby, do you remember Martin Luther King Day? 55 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,460 Yeah, I do. 56 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,929 We honored that dude big time. 57 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,398 (laughs) 58 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,799 Look, I'm crazy about this girl, 59 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,968 and if waiting is what it takes, then I am fine with that. 60 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,870 On a totally unrelated note, does anybody have any gum 61 00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:19,139 or ice or a piece of bark they're not chewing? 62 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,682 Hey, Barney, new SkyMall came in. 63 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,251 So, uh... 64 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,220 Word around the blogosphere 65 00:02:32,286 --> 00:02:34,322 is that you're looking for a new wingman. 66 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,425 I want to let you know I am available. 67 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:39,660 Just say the word, or don't even say the word. 68 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:42,162 Just do something with your eyebrow. 69 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:45,899 Was that it? 70 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,837 No offense, Randy, but there's a long list 71 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,138 of candidates for this slot. 72 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,774 This slot is Vice President of Awesome, 73 00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:58,346 and you're, like, Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay. 74 00:02:59,413 --> 00:03:02,115 "Assistant Undersecretary of Only Okay." 75 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:04,985 Thank you. I won't let you down. 76 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,821 NARRATOR: So Uncle Barney began the search for a new wingman. 77 00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,324 Pete! Barney Stinson. 78 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,293 Hey, I've been meaning to call you. It's been a while. 79 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,061 Yeah, yeah, so listen. 80 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,596 You should meet me at MacLaren's tonight. 81 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,165 You're never gonna believe this: I'm at the hospital. 82 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:20,468 Just had a baby daughter. 83 00:03:21,502 --> 00:03:23,170 So what do you think, 9:30, 10:00? 84 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,672 (beep) 85 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,676 Stapleton! Barney Stinson. 86 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:29,410 What up, chief? 87 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,445 Need a new bro. What do you say? 88 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,815 Dude, I'd love to, but right now I'm bros with Doug Stein. 89 00:03:36,116 --> 00:03:39,387 Oh, I understand. 90 00:03:39,453 --> 00:03:41,722 Doug Stein's a good bro. 91 00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,092 I'm happy for you. Best of luck. 92 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:48,562 Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson. 93 00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,064 What up, B-Dog? Long time, no bro. 94 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,066 So we gonna tear it up tonight or what? 95 00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,635 Yes, finally! 96 00:03:54,702 --> 00:03:56,604 Here's what's on the rock-it docket. 97 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:58,906 My wife and I put the cheese out at 7:00, 98 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,609 Cranium at 8:00, 9:00 p.m. we watch 27 Dresses. 99 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:05,613 Everybody's home by 11:00. Boo-yah! 100 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:09,683 (phone ringing) 101 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:10,751 Hello? 102 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,286 Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. 103 00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,821 (exhales) 104 00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:16,557 So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, 105 00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:19,259 and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, 106 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:20,928 and then it exploded like a volcano. 107 00:04:20,994 --> 00:04:22,195 Pus everywhere. 108 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,997 Let's have sex. 109 00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,265 Right now. I'll lock the door. 110 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,200 Oh, there's no lock on that door. 111 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,403 We can do it against the door. It'll be hot! 112 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:32,373 It'll be like a three-way: you, me, and the door. 113 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,141 Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird 114 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:35,709 between me and the door tomorrow. 115 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,144 (laughs) 116 00:04:37,210 --> 00:04:38,579 I'm sorry. 117 00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,948 We're waiting. It's cool. 118 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:44,685 You've been so patient, Ted. 119 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,086 The truth is... 120 00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,287 I'm kind of nervous. 121 00:04:47,355 --> 00:04:48,522 I have a confession to make. 122 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:49,757 I was afraid of this. 123 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:50,991 You're 14. 124 00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,627 (laughs) 125 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,028 No, um... 126 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,699 It's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while 127 00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,701 since I was intimate with anyone. 128 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:02,903 Wow, it's funny that you say that. 129 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,672 Me, too. 130 00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:06,139 Really? 131 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,641 How long's it been for you? 132 00:05:08,876 --> 00:05:10,344 It's been a while. 133 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:11,779 Tell me. 134 00:05:14,114 --> 00:05:16,216 Me, too! 135 00:05:16,283 --> 00:05:19,353 It's been five months for you, too? 136 00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,522 Five years?! Five years?! Five years?! 137 00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:39,407 Wow. 138 00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:41,575 Stella hasn't had sex since 2003. 139 00:05:41,642 --> 00:05:43,076 Let's put this in context. 140 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:46,447 The last time Stella had sex, the movie, Seabiscuit, 141 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:49,883 had just galloped into theaters... and our hearts. 142 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,686 Five years? 143 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,655 God, if I even went one year, 144 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:57,558 I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel. 145 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,227 The last time Stella had sex, 146 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,730 the world was just learning about SARS. 147 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,498 Well, Ted, what else did she say? 148 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:06,734 Did she give you any kind of explanation? 149 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,770 Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little, 150 00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,739 but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough. 151 00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,574 Sooner or later, every one of them 152 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,142 gave me a reason not to. 153 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:18,512 But nobody in five years? 154 00:06:18,579 --> 00:06:21,849 Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. 155 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:24,184 Girls regret the guys they do sleep with. 156 00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:26,219 And for the past five years, 157 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:27,855 I've had no regrets. 158 00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:30,157 (sighs) 159 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:32,259 Ted, you're staring at my boobs. 160 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:34,862 In my defense, they were staring at me. 161 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,365 So what does this mean for you? 162 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,200 Is she ever gonna want to get intimate? 163 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,502 Actually... 164 00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,336 But the truth is, I really do 165 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,672 want to do this with you. 166 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,374 I don't think I'd regret it at all. 167 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,577 Your pillow talk's a little rusty. 168 00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:52,179 You know what I mean, Ted. I'm ready. 169 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,681 That's great. 170 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,216 Like, "right now" ready? 171 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,951 (laughs) 172 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,087 So her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy, 173 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:03,323 and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night. 174 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,958 The last time Stella had sex, 175 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,960 The Da Vinci Code had just come out. 176 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,596 Well, that doesn't seem like that long ago. 177 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,898 Not the movie, the book. 178 00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,666 Wow. 179 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,101 It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? 180 00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,103 You know what? It's not. 181 00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,104 This woman needs it bad. 182 00:07:17,170 --> 00:07:19,507 Anything you do is going to be fireworks. 183 00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,576 I remember my longest drought... 184 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,178 It was that summer I lived in San Francisco. 185 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:29,249 I hadn't had been with Marshall in two months and 19 days. 186 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,519 (rumbling) 187 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:41,529 Oh, San Francisco. 188 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,497 I don't know, Lily, after five years, 189 00:07:43,564 --> 00:07:45,533 her expectations have gotta be pretty high. 190 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:49,302 Notable deaths in 2003... 191 00:07:49,369 --> 00:07:53,741 Oh, my God... Nell Carter. 192 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:56,209 Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died? 193 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,180 I'm really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman. 194 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,616 Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead. 195 00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,817 Not Nell Carter-- Stella. 196 00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,352 MARSHALL: Dude, relax. 197 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,087 It's all about expectations management. 198 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,289 Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much? 199 00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:10,958 Because you're dead inside? 200 00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:13,927 No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, 201 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,896 saying it was the greatest movie ever. 202 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:18,966 With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations. 203 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,868 Right, right, and then no matter what happens, 204 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,269 she'll be happy. (cell phone rings) 205 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,306 Hey, buddy. 206 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:30,410 I'm married, Barney. I cannot be your new wingman. 207 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,880 (cell phone rings) 208 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:35,215 No. 209 00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,791 Hey, Randy. 210 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,993 Could you come in here for a minute? 211 00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:48,996 Good news. 212 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,598 I'm calling you up to the majors. 213 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,666 Starting tomorrow night, 214 00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:55,135 how would you like to be my new wingman? 215 00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,970 Uh... 216 00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:00,641 Just need to check my calendar. Be right back. 217 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,065 Tomorrow works. 218 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:31,204 I have a surprise appetizer for us today. 219 00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,472 Check it out. 220 00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:34,041 Potato skins. 221 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,208 Fancy. 222 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:36,276 Yeah, right? 223 00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:38,445 God, it's been forever since I had potato skins. 224 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:39,680 I remember them as being 225 00:09:39,747 --> 00:09:42,082 pretty much the most delicious things ever. 226 00:09:45,052 --> 00:09:46,153 Huh. 227 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:47,587 That's surprising. 228 00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,356 What? 229 00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:50,523 This potato skin. 230 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,726 It's good, but not nearly as good 231 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,862 as I'd built it up to be in my head. 232 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,465 Even though this potato skin performed admirably, 233 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:01,334 and is a totally respectable size... 234 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:03,737 I couldn't enjoy it 235 00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:06,573 because of my own unrealistic expectations. 236 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,709 Hmm, Ted, I see what you're doing. 237 00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:09,877 Huh? You're trying to lower 238 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,845 my expectations for tonight. 239 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,947 Is this a length thing? No. 240 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,983 Quick on the draw? No. 241 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:18,551 Unexpected number of testicles? No! 242 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,054 It's just that this is a big deal for you. 243 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,956 I mean, it's like your virginity: the sequel. 244 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,324 (laughs) 245 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,694 Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo? 246 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,762 Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up. 247 00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:31,164 I don't want you to ever wonder if I was worth it. 248 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,601 Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. 249 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,170 Stop worrying. 250 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:38,638 It's you and me. 251 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,273 It already has everything it needs. 252 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,880 "Unexpected number of testicles?" 253 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,149 It happens. I knew a guy in med school... 254 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:52,385 We used to joke that he was one ball away from getting walked. 255 00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:54,354 (laughs) 256 00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:57,524 Hey. 257 00:10:57,590 --> 00:11:00,527 What up, Bro-seph Lieberman? 258 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,062 No, uh-uh. 259 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,465 Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name 260 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,368 of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate. 261 00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:14,041 Good-bye, "Geraldine Ferrar-bro." 262 00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,843 You know what? 263 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,878 I'm excited about this, Randy. 264 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:20,280 You will be my next masterpiece. 265 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,248 It's like with Ted. 266 00:11:21,314 --> 00:11:22,282 When I first met him, 267 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,117 he was an even bigger loser than you. 268 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,953 What a loser. 269 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,255 But tonight, I am going to make you 270 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:32,625 the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen. 271 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,128 Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. 272 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,464 Yeah, I've been reading your blog for years. 273 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,066 You are like a god to me. 274 00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:42,069 That's why tonight is going to be legendary... 275 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,037 wait for it... 276 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:46,173 dary. 277 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,509 Oh. 278 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,912 Okay, Randy, let's do this. 279 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,514 (under breath): Okay. 280 00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:56,049 You ready? 281 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:56,950 Yes. 282 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,919 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 283 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:01,188 What? What's the matter? 284 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:03,223 Nothing. 285 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,092 Let's do this. 286 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,927 No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please. 287 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,561 Just wait. Just wait. Just wait. Just wait! 288 00:12:08,628 --> 00:12:10,831 Randy, what are you doing? 289 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,166 Dripping with game, that's what I'm doing. 290 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,268 Okay, let's go. No. Let's... 291 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,669 Yes. No! 292 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,172 Randy, listen to me: you can do this, okay? 293 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,809 Oh, I don't know. Are those girls really that hot? 294 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,343 Yeah, they're hot. Let's do this. 295 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,345 Okay! 296 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,649 Hey, ladies. 297 00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:32,352 Have you met... 298 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,825 (knocking) 299 00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:40,693 Hey. Hey! 300 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,062 So, here's the plan. 301 00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:43,864 Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, 302 00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:45,332 and it just so happens 303 00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,100 the Philharmonic is playing an open-air... Ted. 304 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:47,968 Five years. 305 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:49,502 Straight to the hotel? Straight to the hotel. 306 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,872 I'll get my bag. 307 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,441 Hey, guys. 308 00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:55,775 Hey. Hey. 309 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,511 So, uh, looking forward to tonight? 310 00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,080 Yeah. Definitely. 311 00:13:00,147 --> 00:13:01,915 It's been such a long time since I've had a night out. 312 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,017 Yeah, we heard. 313 00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,153 I would explode if it had been that long 314 00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:07,720 since I had a "night out." 315 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,788 This one wakes me up 316 00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,157 at 4:00 a.m. sometimes 317 00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:12,860 just to have a little "night out." 318 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:15,863 Um, what are you guys talking about? 319 00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,131 Nothing. 320 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,566 Pizza. 321 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,401 What are you talking about? 322 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,603 Hey, guys. 323 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,906 Ted, you told them, didn't you? 324 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,174 Told them what? 325 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,675 You told them 326 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:31,244 that I haven't had sex in five years. 327 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:35,815 You haven't had sex in five years?! 328 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:37,384 That is 329 00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,451 a shocking revelation 330 00:13:38,518 --> 00:13:40,520 that we're just finding out about right now. 331 00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,495 Stella, I'm sorry. 332 00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:49,662 I shouldn't have told them. 333 00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:51,698 But they're my best friends. I tell them everything. 334 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:52,966 I-I didn't even think about it. 335 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:55,869 Ted, that was so personal. 336 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,837 Plus, now your friends think I'm a freak. 337 00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:58,939 No, they don't. 338 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,408 Look, I realize it's weird, okay? 339 00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,643 Not many people go five years without having sex. 340 00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,512 13 years?! 341 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:08,315 I peaked really young. 342 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,250 That's why it was difficult for me to tell you. 343 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:12,619 But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you. 344 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,786 You can trust me. 345 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,222 Obviously, I can't. 346 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,059 You know, there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, 347 00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,961 and you just gave me yours. 348 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:23,163 Wait, did I give you a reason, 349 00:14:23,230 --> 00:14:24,631 or were you looking for one? 350 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,500 Why would I be looking for one? 351 00:14:27,567 --> 00:14:29,602 Because things are getting serious between us, 352 00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,338 and that scares you. 353 00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:37,144 Good night, Ted. 354 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,748 Okay, Randy, now, 355 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,283 tell me, without looking at your hand, 356 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:44,217 what 357 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,818 are the three beginner techniques 358 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,287 for picking up a woman at a bar? 359 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,589 Isolate her from her friends; 360 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,824 repeat her name in conversation; 361 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,793 subtly put her down. 362 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,228 Excellent. 363 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:56,896 Now... 364 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,265 let's put those to use. 365 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,334 I'm right behind you. 366 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,540 Hi, I'm Randy. 367 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:08,508 What's your name? 368 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:09,609 Haley. 369 00:15:09,676 --> 00:15:10,910 Haley. 370 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,279 Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley. 371 00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,813 Haley... 372 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,548 come here, Haley. 373 00:15:15,615 --> 00:15:18,118 Um... okay. 374 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:23,156 Haley, you are a fat ugly whore. 375 00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,563 I'm sorry, Barney. 376 00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,532 Eh, so you got a drink thrown in your face. 377 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,967 Happens to me all the time. 378 00:15:34,034 --> 00:15:35,668 Pretty soon you'll be able to anticipate it, 379 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,570 and when you do? Free drink. 380 00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:39,772 Oh, hey. 381 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:41,008 We got two live ones. 382 00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:42,575 New plan: this time follow my lead. 383 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:48,015 Evening, ladies. 384 00:15:48,081 --> 00:15:50,050 Oh, I like your broach. 385 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,218 What is that? 386 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,986 Oh, it's a koala bear. 387 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,387 I think they're adorable. 388 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:55,588 No way! 389 00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,991 My friend Randy here is the leading expert 390 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:00,027 on koala bears in Australia! 391 00:16:00,093 --> 00:16:01,928 He's in town working with the Bronx Zoo. 392 00:16:01,995 --> 00:16:02,929 You are? 393 00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:04,397 That is so 394 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:05,632 cool! 395 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:08,435 Okay, what is your favorite thing about koala bears? 396 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:13,440 Their... 397 00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:18,445 meat is delicious. 398 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:22,982 I'm sorry, Barney. 399 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,317 Ah, it's okay. 400 00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,452 New plan: 401 00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,320 we need to get you comfortable 402 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,522 just saying words to women. 403 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,558 Now, there's no reason to be nervous, 404 00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,593 because my friend, Robin, has agreed to help out. 405 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,995 Because you threatened to put a video of us on the Internet, 406 00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,397 which I'm still not convinced you have. 407 00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,199 Right, which is why you came all the way 408 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,368 from Brooklyn at midnight. 409 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,735 Now Randy, 410 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:43,736 let's keep it 411 00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:44,771 simple. 412 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,772 Just start by introducing 413 00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,207 yourself. 414 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,641 Hi. 415 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:49,609 My name's Randy. 416 00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:50,743 Hi, Randy. 417 00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:52,079 How are you? 418 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:53,180 I'm good. How are you? 419 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,082 Good, thank you. Great. 420 00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:56,383 You're doing really, really well. 421 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,318 Now ask her what she's doing later. 422 00:16:58,385 --> 00:17:00,420 What are you doing later? 423 00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:03,723 Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet. 424 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,393 Oh, God. 425 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,161 This happens every time I get an erection. 426 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:09,462 I am so sorry. 427 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:13,833 Okay. 428 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,802 Okay, new plan. 429 00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:18,571 We wrap his face in gauze so he can't bleed or talk. 430 00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:19,706 You are the woman... 431 00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:23,042 Barney, why are you so desperate to have this happen? 432 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,277 I'm a wingman. 433 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,745 That's what wingmen do. 434 00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:27,414 Is it possible 435 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,682 that you're trying to fill the void of losing Ted 436 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:32,519 by rushing into a new wingman relationship? 437 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:33,986 What are you saying? 438 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:37,324 I'm saying that Randy is your rebound bro. 439 00:17:37,390 --> 00:17:38,758 No. 440 00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,193 That's crazy. 441 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,162 What Randy and I have is real. 442 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:44,497 No, it's not, Barney. 443 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,566 And even if you got Randy laid tonight, 444 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,369 would it feel anywhere near as meaningful 445 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,070 as when you got Ted laid? 446 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:54,341 He was just so happy the next morning, you know? 447 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,074 I know. 448 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:56,243 All right. 449 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,644 It hasn't clotted, 450 00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:00,580 but I think it's pretty much draining backwards now. 451 00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:04,751 Randy. 452 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,753 I've been thinking, 453 00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,688 this isn't working out. 454 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,623 Yeah, I figured. 455 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,959 I knew I couldn't fly this close to the sun 456 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,162 without getting burned. 457 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:16,729 This is the story of my life. 458 00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,131 I always let people down. 459 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:20,567 You, my dad, the chief. 460 00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:21,634 The chief? 461 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,903 Yeah, I was a cop for like three months. 462 00:18:23,970 --> 00:18:25,405 But I got kicked off the force 463 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,241 because I screwed up so much I was an insurance liability. 464 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:31,178 You were a New York City police officer 465 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,512 and you didn't tell me? 466 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:33,446 Wow! 467 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:34,847 Did you ever shoot anybody? 468 00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,015 Only all the time. 469 00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,284 But not himself. 470 00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,518 And not in the foot. 471 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:39,886 Actually... Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah. 472 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,288 but nothing. 473 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,157 I don't think there's anything hotter than a cop. 474 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,925 Are you okay? 475 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,160 Your nose is bleeding. 476 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,561 Uh, old injury. 477 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,530 The bullet's still lodged in his sinus. 478 00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:51,564 Oh, my God! 479 00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,832 You know what? 480 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,000 I live right around the corner. 481 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,302 Can I take you to my place 482 00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:56,569 and fix you up? 483 00:18:58,505 --> 00:19:01,341 That would be very nice. 484 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:04,911 Have a great time, you two. 485 00:19:04,977 --> 00:19:07,247 (whispering): Oh, my God, thank you. I can't thank you enough. 486 00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:13,253 I am the greatest wingman of all time. 487 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,356 Ted doesn't know what he's missing. 488 00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,359 (voice cracking): You had to mention Ted, didn't you? 489 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,262 (knocking) 490 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:29,236 Okay, I really overreacted last night. 491 00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:30,470 I'm sorry. 492 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,705 Maybe I have some trust issues, 493 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:36,042 but believe me, I have earned them. 494 00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:38,144 You said that I was looking for a reason 495 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,112 for this whole thing to fall apart. 496 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:42,715 Well, you're onto me, Ted. 497 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:45,285 That's actually something that I do a lot. 498 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:48,288 But I'm not going to do that with you. 499 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:52,792 Ted... I'm in. 500 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,127 This is awkward. 501 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,529 I have a girl here. 502 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:57,430 So... 503 00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:07,507 Come on. 504 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:10,277 There is something that I'm ready to do with you. 505 00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,451 Ted, this is Lucy. 506 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,553 Hi, Lucy. Lucy, this is Ted. 507 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,489 NARRATOR: Stella and I thought our relationship 508 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,791 was going to take a big step that weekend. 509 00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,827 Turned out, it took an even bigger one. 510 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,335 She's sound asleep. Oh. 511 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,669 She is so great. 512 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,870 I think so. 513 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,641 So, uh, I was thinking, 514 00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,710 my sister is in town until tomorrow. 515 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:46,546 And, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike. 516 00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,014 Hmm. 517 00:20:52,652 --> 00:20:54,454 (panting) 518 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,589 Wow, that was amazing! Oh, yeah. 519 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:58,691 What are you doing? 520 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,593 I gotta call Marshall and Lily. Tell them about this.