1 00:00:01,202 --> 00:00:02,903 NARRATOR: Well, kids, here we are. 2 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:04,172 We've arrived. 3 00:00:04,205 --> 00:00:05,473 My 30th birthday. 4 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:07,475 The long-awaited story of... 5 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,642 (bleating) 6 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:09,743 ...the goat. 7 00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:11,679 That week started just like any other. 8 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,515 Barney woke up in some girl's bed. 9 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:20,054 In my experience, the way this normally goes is, 10 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,223 we lie here for a while, 11 00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,825 make a little awkward chitchat. 12 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,195 Check. 13 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,898 Then I make up some Cabinet meeting, heart surgery, 14 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,067 rocket test flight I've got to be at, 15 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,769 slip out of the apartment and never call you again. 16 00:00:35,803 --> 00:00:37,205 And later at the bar, 17 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,839 you tell your good friend Robin 18 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,341 the story of your latest conquest, 19 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,110 and she thinks to herself, 20 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:44,945 "Who is this sad, self-loathing idiot 21 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,181 who climbed into bed with Barney Stinson?" 22 00:00:47,215 --> 00:00:48,916 Hmm. 23 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:52,453 Actually, you usually say that out loud. 24 00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,787 (sighs) 25 00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:55,656 So... 26 00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:01,195 ...I just slept with my best friend's ex-girlfriend. 27 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:02,596 And I just slept 28 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,865 with my ex-boyfriend's really good friend. 29 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,234 Best friend. 30 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,204 Okay, here's the deal, Barney. 31 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,072 The second my feet touch the ground, 32 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:13,907 this never happened. 33 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,743 Okay. 34 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,211 (sighs) Wait. 35 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,213 Right click, save as... 36 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:22,316 into the .bpeg folder, and okay. 37 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:24,952 This never happened. 38 00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:27,255 It's a good plan. 39 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,791 Now we go back to exactly the way things were before. 40 00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:31,725 Okay. 41 00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:32,726 Okay. 42 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,061 Right. 43 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,163 So, Robin? 44 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,298 Yes, Barney? 45 00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:40,601 Guess who nailed the chick from Metro News 1 last night? 46 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:43,971 (chuckles) 47 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:02,089 Okay, uh, let me take a shower, 48 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,124 till June, and, um, 49 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:05,993 since you were never here to begin with, 50 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:06,960 you won't be here when I get out. 51 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,829 Okay. Okay. 52 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,598 This never happened. 53 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:13,133 (laughs) 54 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,035 Never happened. 55 00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,637 Never... happened. 56 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,706 NARRATOR: But pretending it never happened 57 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:19,940 wouldn't be that easy. 58 00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,141 TED: So, tell us, 59 00:02:21,175 --> 00:02:22,543 what was it like? 60 00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:23,277 What? 61 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,545 Penetrating that barrier. 62 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:25,313 You and I are 63 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:26,814 the first ones to hit it. 64 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:27,781 Well, not the first ones, 65 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,450 certainly, but the first ones at this table. 66 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,952 I... I... I... 67 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,288 I'm... I'm... 68 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,324 Although, I'm gonna be hitting it pretty soon. 69 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,158 TED: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you are. 70 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,694 Yeah, and when I hit it, I'm going to go nuts. 71 00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:44,365 It's gonna be all night, and I think I want a clown there. 72 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:46,800 I'm a little bit scared of clowns, but for you, I'm there. 73 00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,001 LILY: Yay! 74 00:02:48,035 --> 00:02:49,570 What are you taking about?! 75 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,571 The big three-oh. 76 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:51,339 You know, 77 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:52,806 my 30th birthday's this Friday. 78 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:53,641 Did you forget? 79 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,876 What kind of friend is this guy? 80 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,144 Ha-ha, right. 81 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,979 A great friend, by the way. 82 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,848 The best. 83 00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,015 Is it my imagination, 84 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,651 or are these drinks getting smaller? 85 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:06,654 If this were a doctor's office, they'd say, "Try again." 86 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,322 (airy laugh) 87 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:09,690 How you doing there, Robin? 88 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:12,159 I'm good. TED: Oh, so, I made a decision. 89 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,994 I'm going to go through all my old stuff, 90 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,364 and I'm getting rid of anything I have no use for anymore. 91 00:03:16,397 --> 00:03:17,765 Hmm. Barney, you want my Xbox? 92 00:03:17,798 --> 00:03:18,832 (gasping) 93 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:20,401 Ted, she has a name! 94 00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:23,203 And just what are you accusing me of? 95 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:25,005 Liking video games? 96 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,274 I'm gonna get a drink. 97 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,675 Hmm. I'll come with you. 98 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,842 Okay. 99 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,010 God, this is awkward. 100 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:31,612 What is? 101 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,846 Being around Ted. 102 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,014 Why? 103 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,183 Because of our thing. What thing? 104 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:38,018 You're really gonna pretend this never happened? 105 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,853 What never happened? 106 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,121 Hey. (whimpers) 107 00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,256 Hey. 108 00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,924 What are you guys talking about? 109 00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:45,526 Nothing. 110 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:47,895 Guys, cut the act. I know. 111 00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:52,533 I know about the surprise party you guys are throwing me. 112 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,201 Marshall let it slip earlier today. 113 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,703 (mumbling) Marshall. 114 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,271 Hey, I'll totally act surprised and everything. 115 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:58,972 Just be sure to invite Stella. 116 00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,207 Stella! 117 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,209 You have a serious girlfriend now! 118 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,811 You're over this one. 119 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:05,313 Robin who, right? 120 00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,214 Stella makes this one look 121 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,817 like a filthy bag of garbage, am I right? 122 00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:12,686 Happy birthday, bro. 123 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,490 (phone ringing) 124 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,225 Hello. 125 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,561 Hey, Marshall, I need your help. 126 00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:23,263 Yeah, I'm kind of real focused on the job hunt right now. 127 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,798 I know. I want to hire you. 128 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:28,402 For the last time, Barney, I will not be your butler. 129 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:30,237 I need a lawyer. 130 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,639 I'll pay you. 131 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,240 How much? 132 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,775 A little. 133 00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,977 I'll take it. 134 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,279 Hey. 135 00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,649 Hey. So, I'm reading this, and, I got to say, 136 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,984 this might be a little bit over my head. 137 00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:45,986 For one thing, I'm fairly certain 138 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:48,456 that if these contracts aren't executed precisely, 139 00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:51,659 we will be at war with Portugal. 140 00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:52,793 Forget that. 141 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,329 That's a Tuesday for me. 142 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:56,497 New shredder. 143 00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:59,467 This baby'll chew up a bicycle in 17 seconds. 144 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,870 From Sky Mall. It's all from Sky Mall. 145 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:04,638 Whenever I get upset, I shop at Sky Mall. 146 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,340 Want a hot dog? Of course. 147 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:09,209 Why are you upset? 148 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:11,512 Marshall, I'm about to tell you a secret 149 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,714 that you can't tell anyone-- not Ted, 150 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,549 not Robin, not Lily. 151 00:05:15,583 --> 00:05:18,318 No. No, no, no, I don't want any more secrets, 152 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,621 especially now that I know what you guys did 153 00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,523 to the drinking water in Lisbon. I... 154 00:05:22,556 --> 00:05:24,658 You are hearing this secret, Marshall. 155 00:05:24,692 --> 00:05:26,727 I... I slept... (scat singing) 156 00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,296 Stop... Stop doing that. (singing) 157 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:30,464 I slept... 158 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,232 * Laba-da bay-doh 159 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:34,468 * Hicka-ba-ta-bo... 160 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,869 I slept with Robin. 161 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,006 You slept with Robin? 162 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:41,709 (toaster bell dings) 163 00:05:44,111 --> 00:05:46,514 Hmm. 164 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:49,249 Are you mad at me? 165 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,819 I don't know. 166 00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:53,153 How's the hot dog? 167 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,822 It's helping. 168 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,590 You slept with Robin?! 169 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:57,991 I... I cannot keep that secret. 170 00:05:58,025 --> 00:05:59,059 I mean, you know 171 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,327 I at least have to tell Lily. 172 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,328 You can't. You can't tell anyone. 173 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,696 Attorney-client privilege. 174 00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:04,665 (groans) Why are you doing this to me?! 175 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,167 Because I need you, Marshall, as my lawyer, 176 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,403 to prove that I didn't do anything wrong. 177 00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:11,405 How can I help you as your lawyer? 178 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,841 You didn't break any laws, did you? 179 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,877 Robin knows you slept with her, doesn't she? 180 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,714 I didn't break any state or federal laws, 181 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:24,518 but I think I broke a much, much higher law. 182 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,687 The Bro Code. 183 00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,188 * 184 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:29,790 NARRATOR: For many years, 185 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,091 we had heard Barney quote the Bro Code, 186 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:33,961 a list of do's and don'ts for all bros. 187 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,429 Some were basic. 188 00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:38,365 Bro Code article one: "Bros before hoes." 189 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,934 Some were unbelievably complicated. 190 00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,036 Bro Code article 89: 191 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,238 "The mom of a bro is always off limits, 192 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:49,443 "but the stepmom of a bro is fair game if she initiates it, 193 00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,479 "and/or is wearing at least one article 194 00:06:51,512 --> 00:06:53,046 of leopard print clothing." 195 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,215 And some were just plain disturbing. 196 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,250 Bro Code article 34: 197 00:06:57,284 --> 00:07:01,989 "Bros cannot make eye contact during a devil's three-way." 198 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,057 Two dudes. 199 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:06,226 (mumbling) 200 00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,228 This is not a legal document. 201 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,063 This is just something you wrote. 202 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,232 You think I wrote that? 203 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,467 Oh, Marshall, 204 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,936 don't you know the glorious history 205 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:18,238 of the Bro Code? 206 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:20,407 The year was 1776. 207 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,676 The place: Philadelphia. 208 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:25,245 Benjamin Franklin and George Washington were having a drink. 209 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:27,347 But, bro, seriously, 210 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,617 I calleth dibs on that wench. 211 00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:32,486 You codpiece blocked me. 212 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,754 So what if I did? 213 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,155 There's no rule against it. 214 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,624 Well, there should be. 215 00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,425 There should be a set of rules that govern 216 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,661 the way bros comport themselves among other bros. 217 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,863 But who shall write such a document? 218 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:46,634 I have to go to Me, D.C., and pose for the dollar bill. 219 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,436 And I have to do some kite-flying or something. 220 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:51,104 I shall write this set of rules. 221 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:54,508 And I shall inscribe it on the back of the Constitution. 222 00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:57,110 To save paper. 223 00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,278 It's resolved! 224 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,113 Barnabas Stinson shall write... 225 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,849 the Bro Code. 226 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:03,483 (cheering) 227 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:05,118 And I shall include a provision 228 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:08,155 that stateth no eye contact in a devil's three-way. 229 00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,590 Seconded. Seconded. 230 00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:14,562 Listen, what do you want me for? I've just been 231 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:17,631 losing my mind lately, and do you know why I feel so bad? 232 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,299 Yeah, because you slept with Robin. 233 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,834 No, that was awesome. 234 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:22,803 I feel bad 235 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,805 because the Bro Code clearly states 236 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,140 "No sex with your bro's ex." 237 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,075 But if you, 238 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:31,311 my lawyer, can find a loophole somewhere, 239 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:33,413 then that bad feeling will go bye-bye. 240 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,883 And you would pay me for that? 241 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:38,085 No, I'll just be the one shredding your paperwork. 242 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,988 Technically, you'll be paid by a toy factory in Pyongyang. 243 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,324 Barney, I'm no shrink, okay, but don't you see that this is 244 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,926 just a desperate way for you 245 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:48,829 to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with Ted? 246 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:51,031 Hey, if I wanted a psychological evaluation, 247 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,566 I'd hire the guy we pay 248 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,067 to hypnotize us before depositions. 249 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,535 Now, get cracking! 250 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:57,504 While Marshall examined the Bro Code, 251 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,907 Lily's kindergarten class welcomed a special guest. 252 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:02,610 And with a little luck, in a few days, 253 00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,778 Farmer Frank's cold will be all gone. 254 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:08,515 And that's why Farmer Frank's breath smells like medicine. 255 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,183 Right, Farmer Frank? 256 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,719 You got it, toots. 257 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,755 Any last questions for Farmer Frank? Yes. 258 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:17,691 Will we ever get to see Missy the Goat again? 259 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:19,192 Oh! Ah, isn't that sweet! 260 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,527 Well, you know, honey, 261 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,862 right after this, 262 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,531 I'm gonna drop old Missy off at the butcher shop. 263 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,699 And they're going to take 264 00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,701 a great big knife... 265 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:30,237 And Frank went on to traumatize Lily's entire class 266 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,740 with a graphic explanation of where meat comes from. 267 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:36,710 So not one little scrap of Missy goes to waste. 268 00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:40,914 Ms. Aldrin, please don't let them eat Missy. 269 00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:50,323 I know, I know. 270 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:52,259 I already called an animal rescue, 271 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,762 and they're going to come get her on Monday. 272 00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:57,397 Monday?! Where's she going to sleep and eat 273 00:09:57,430 --> 00:09:59,232 and go to the bathroom?! 274 00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,834 (bleating) 275 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,937 Okay, where's she going to sleep and eat? 276 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,606 I-I guess I'll keep her up on the roof. 277 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:08,308 Look, call me crazy. I just... 278 00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:11,011 I don't think having a goat in the apartment is a good idea. 279 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,113 And, boy, was I right, because what Missy the Goat 280 00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:16,416 would go on to do in that bathroom was so... 281 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:17,785 (bleating) No, you know what? 282 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,687 I'm getting ahead of myself. 283 00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:21,321 We'll get there. 284 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,589 Hey, Ted. 285 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,424 Hey. 286 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:25,458 You ready to, um... 287 00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,994 Where'd the goat turd come from? 288 00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:28,762 How'd you know that was a goat turd? 289 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:29,963 Well, it was either that, 290 00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:32,032 or a musk ox turd, and I figured, 291 00:10:32,065 --> 00:10:34,802 what the hell would a musk ox be doing in here? 292 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,604 Hey. Guess what your wife brought home? 293 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,606 Attorney-client privilege. I can't talk about it. 294 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,841 Talk about what? 295 00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:42,175 Nothing. (clears throat) 296 00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:43,643 How was your day? 297 00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,612 Uh, ooh, goat turd on the floor, I see. Is that new? 298 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,048 (coughing) 299 00:10:48,081 --> 00:10:51,218 How does everyone know that's a goat turd? 300 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,789 Barney told you. I don't know 301 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:57,624 what you're talking about, madam. Marshall, 302 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,693 you can't look me in the eye; you're blushing, 303 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,162 coughing; and your hands are shaking. 304 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,831 Hey, Robin, come here. 305 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:06,499 Ted is never finding out about this, you understand? 306 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:09,536 Because it never happened, none of us are saying anything. 307 00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:11,404 And don't even think about opening that can 308 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,673 until I'm out of the splash zone. 309 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:20,680 (speaking foreign language) 310 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,555 Oh, fantastic, you're here. 311 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:30,223 Give me the good news. 312 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:31,558 I'm sorry. 313 00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,260 You did too good a job writing this thing. 314 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,028 It's-it's ironclad. 315 00:11:35,062 --> 00:11:36,563 No! 316 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,664 Bad lawyer! 317 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,666 I need a loophole! 318 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,534 I want to feel better, Marshall! 319 00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,336 I can't keep buying things! 320 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,437 I have six 321 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:45,739 self-cleaning litterboxes 322 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:47,440 and I don't even have a kid. 323 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,509 Wait. How about this? 324 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,610 Ted's probably 325 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:51,845 broken this thing himself, right? 326 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,680 And if he's broken the Bro Code, 327 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:54,915 then I'm off the hook. 328 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:56,183 I thought about that. 329 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:57,417 And I gotta say, 330 00:11:57,450 --> 00:12:00,587 Ted has upheld this thing time and time again. 331 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:01,789 For example, article 87: 332 00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:05,793 "A bro shall at all times say yes." 333 00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,194 So he saved you 334 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,128 from an avalanche? 335 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,329 Yes. 336 00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:13,366 And he carried you six miles to safety on his broken leg? 337 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,701 Yes. 338 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,037 And you're a pre-op transsexual nightclub singer 339 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,840 who used to be a member of the Russian mob? 340 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,578 Da. 341 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:27,114 Article 29: 342 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:29,983 "A bro will, in a timely manner, alert his bro 343 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:31,718 to the existence of a girl fight." 344 00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:34,554 Dude, two girls are fighting at MacLaren's. 345 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:37,424 What?! 346 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:40,727 Yeah, yeah. 347 00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,329 It was crazy. This one girl was like... 348 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:43,931 Oh, hey. 349 00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:45,565 Hey. 350 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,934 Article 53: 351 00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,069 "A bro will, whenever possible, 352 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,404 provide his bro with protection." 353 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:53,406 That feels nice. 354 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,475 Good. 355 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,583 I just wish we had some wine. 356 00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,818 Yeah. 357 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,786 I wish we had some wine, too. 358 00:13:12,692 --> 00:13:14,094 Damn it, Marshall. 359 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,929 I'm not paying you to tell me what a saint Ted is! 360 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,030 You're my lawyer! 361 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,166 The answer is in there! Find it! 362 00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:21,601 Okay, this isn't about the Bro Code, and you know it. 363 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,271 The reason that you're upset is because what you did was wrong. 364 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,339 And the only way you're ever gonna feel 365 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,275 any better about it is if you tell Ted what you did. 366 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:30,810 What if he never wants to talk to me again? 367 00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,612 Well, I guess that's just a chance 368 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,981 you're gonna have to take. 369 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:37,617 Which brings us to April 25, 2008. 370 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,219 My 30th birthday, 371 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,989 or as it would come to be referred to in later years: 372 00:13:42,022 --> 00:13:43,891 The Day of the Goat. 373 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,225 Hey, where are you? 374 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,960 I'm in the limo, right outside of Ted's office. 375 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,295 Great. Well, everyone's here. 376 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,462 Stella just arrived 377 00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,999 and there is something here so awesome, 378 00:13:52,032 --> 00:13:54,667 I'm not going to tell you what it is, but you won't believe... 379 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:55,802 Goat in a party hat? 380 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,037 Damn it! 381 00:13:57,070 --> 00:13:59,206 Well, you still gotta see it. 382 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:01,841 It's so much fun having a goat at a party! 383 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,176 In a few short hours, 384 00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,145 Lily would come to regret those words. 385 00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:06,046 (bleating) 386 00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:07,414 But we'll get there. 387 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:08,882 Uh, gotta go. Here he comes. 388 00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,183 Okay. Bye. 389 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:11,718 Hey. Hey. 390 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,987 Whoa, you guys went all out. 391 00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,523 Okay, everyone, Ted's in the limo, five-minute warning! 392 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,657 Everyone get ready! 393 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:21,061 Oh, Missy, are you excited? 394 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,364 Yes, you are! 395 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,667 Whoa, we're leaving the city. 396 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,102 Where the hell is this party? 397 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:31,071 Vegas. 398 00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,877 Vegas? I thought the party was on the rooftop. 399 00:14:37,911 --> 00:14:38,778 Surprise! 400 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,047 Just a decoy, my friend. 401 00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:41,714 So there's no roof party? 402 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:42,916 Oh, no. There is. We're just not going. 403 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,918 This is how good a friend I am. 404 00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,120 They want you to spend your 30th standing around 405 00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,389 drinking flat beer ten feet above your living room. 406 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:50,723 But not me, bro. 407 00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,459 I pulled out all the stops. 408 00:14:52,492 --> 00:14:56,196 Private jet, Valderrama suite at the Bellagio. 409 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,430 Steaks at BOA, 410 00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:01,034 scotch at Ghostbar, then two ringside seats 411 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,536 to watch Floyd Mayweather go ten rounds with, 412 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,771 wait for it... 413 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:05,905 a grizzly bear! 414 00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,441 Take me home, Barney. 415 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,576 No! 416 00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,244 We have to go to Vegas. 417 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,282 Look, Ted, I didn't want to say this, but... 418 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,984 there's something that I have to tell you, 419 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,551 and I wanted you to be 420 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,787 in the best possible frame of mind before you heard it. 421 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:22,089 You slept with Robin. 422 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:24,491 (tires screeching) 423 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:26,626 Ranjit! 424 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,894 You slept with Robin? 425 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,562 Barney! 426 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,598 That is Ted's ex-girlfriend! 427 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:35,602 (speaking foreign language) 428 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,973 When did you find out? 429 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:41,941 Hey, Robin. Come here! 430 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,077 What's up? 431 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,346 I was, uh, just going through some old stuff and I... 432 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,515 (soda can opening) MARSHALL: Oh, crap! 433 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,484 (sputtering) 434 00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,020 Anyway, uh, 435 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:54,454 I came across this. 436 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,089 Oh, wow. 437 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,158 From our vacation in Vermont. Yeah. 438 00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,993 I don't know if you'd even want it, but if you do, it's yours. 439 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,694 I slept with Barney! 440 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:02,829 What? 441 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,531 It was just one time, 442 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:06,533 it-it was the night that Simon dumped me 443 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,768 and I was in a really vulnerable place 444 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,771 and I... I wanted to just pretend like it never happened, 445 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,773 but I couldn't, and... 446 00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,108 I can't. 447 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:18,611 I just, I had to tell you. 448 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,113 And... 449 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:22,982 I just hope that we can still be friends. 450 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,785 Of course we can still be friends. 451 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:27,487 So you're not mad? 452 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:29,289 Well, I'm... 453 00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,358 it's a little weird, but, um, 454 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:34,027 no, I'm not mad. 455 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,331 Wow. 456 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,033 So you're not mad? 457 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,135 No, I'm not mad. 458 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,304 I mean, Robin and I broke up a year ago. 459 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,639 We've... we've both dated lots of people since then. 460 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,341 I'm with Stella now. 461 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:51,311 Seriously, I... I'm fine with this. 462 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,312 (sighs) 463 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,481 I'm so relieved to hear you say that. 464 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,149 Yeah. Yeah. 465 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,884 Oh, hey, I just remembered, um, 466 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,752 my mom is coming into town next month. 467 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,255 Maybe you'd like to nail her, too! 468 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,491 (whispering): Where are they?! I'm getting a cramp. 469 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,494 (whispering): Marshall, can we keep the goat? 470 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,561 No. 471 00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:11,331 But she's so cute and furry and soft. Yeah, 472 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,166 and she also sheds, eats out of the garbage 473 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,601 and can't control her bowels. 474 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,169 Why don't we just call Duluth Mental Hospital 475 00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:17,937 and say my Uncle Linus can live with us? 476 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,939 Yeah, Lily, that may seem like a good idea 477 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,708 after a couple of drinks but tomorrow morning 478 00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,376 you're going to want this thing out of your house. 479 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,512 Oh, you should talk. You slept with Barney. 480 00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,413 Marshall! 481 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,347 I'm sorry! 482 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,848 I couldn't take it anymore. 483 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:29,716 I can't believe 484 00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:30,683 you did that. 485 00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,419 That's so gross. 486 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:33,853 Was it amazing? 487 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,288 What? I... 488 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,857 Lily, I really don't want to talk about this. 489 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,526 I know, but it's Barney. 490 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:41,728 It's just hard not to be curious. 491 00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:45,565 Did he have like devices and stuff? Lily, come on. 492 00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:46,966 Hot wax? Stop it. 493 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:48,235 Did he tie you to anything? That's enough. 494 00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:49,636 What's wrong with you? 495 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:50,737 I'm sorry. 496 00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,740 (sighs) 497 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,244 Is he all smooth down there? 498 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:01,114 Three billion women on the planet! 499 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,216 Three billion! And you have to sleep 500 00:18:03,250 --> 00:18:05,051 with the one that I dated for a year! Are you kidding me? 501 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,886 Are you kidding me?! 502 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,920 Robin?! 503 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,389 You think I'm proud of this?! 504 00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,258 I'm horrified that this happened. 505 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:12,792 How did it happen? Huh? 506 00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,093 Barney, I want to know. 507 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,396 Tell me exactly how it happened. 508 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,097 You mean... 509 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,666 what position? 510 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:20,833 (grunts) Okay. 511 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:22,735 Stop it! Stop it! 512 00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:24,237 Stop it. 513 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,572 Hit him! Hit him, Ted! Stop! 514 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:26,673 Hit him! Stop! 515 00:18:26,706 --> 00:18:27,807 Hit him! Okay. 516 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:29,108 Okay. Okay. 517 00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,577 You're pissed. 518 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,678 You deserve to be. 519 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:32,812 Fine. You know what? 520 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,747 One free shot. On me. 521 00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,483 Anywhere but the face. 522 00:18:37,016 --> 00:18:39,386 (grunts) (groans) 523 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,023 Who punches someone in the groin? 524 00:18:44,056 --> 00:18:46,125 (groaning) 525 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,494 Okay. Okay. 526 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:48,628 I deserved that. 527 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:51,130 I deserved that. 528 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,132 But what's important now is... 529 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:56,035 we're passed this whole Robin thing now, right? 530 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:58,271 You think that this is just about Robin? 531 00:18:58,305 --> 00:19:00,307 This is about... 532 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,142 You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. 533 00:19:03,176 --> 00:19:05,978 I mean some really terrible stuff 534 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,447 to a lot of different people. 535 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,282 I just always thought there had to be a limit. 536 00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,518 I always thought I was the limit. 537 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:15,955 You're always spouting off these rules for bros. 538 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:18,658 Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? 539 00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:20,627 Yeah. And I broke it. 540 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,829 I'm sorry. 541 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,398 But, Ted... 542 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,401 ...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio... 543 00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,370 I am not going to Vegas with you. 544 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,171 I'm not going to blow off my friends 545 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:33,706 and my girlfriend, 546 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:36,243 and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. 547 00:19:36,276 --> 00:19:38,678 The fact that you think I would... 548 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,914 You know, Barney, earlier this week 549 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,182 I started putting things in a box 550 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,651 and that box was labeled 551 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,653 "stuff I have no use for anymore." 552 00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,688 What does that mean? 553 00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,490 It means... 554 00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,759 maybe you belong in that box. 555 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:56,496 Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? 556 00:19:56,529 --> 00:20:00,233 I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore. 557 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,670 Okay, I'm going to stop you right there, 558 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,439 because it seems like you're about to say something 559 00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:08,174 that's going to pretty much ruin Vegas. 560 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,842 Ranjit, stop the car. 561 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,210 (tires screeching) 562 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:13,613 I'm getting a cab. 563 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:19,286 * 564 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:52,385 ALL: Surprise! 565 00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:55,655 (cheering and applause) 566 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:00,893 NARRATOR: Oh, right, the goat. 567 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,929 So funny. You're going to love this. 568 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:05,632 So later that night, the goat locked himself in the bathroom 569 00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:07,734 and was eating one of Robin's washcloths and-- 570 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:08,935 wait, hold on. 571 00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:11,338 Robin wasn't living here on my 30th birthday. 572 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,805 When did this happen? 573 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:15,675 Oh, wait, the goat was there on my 31st birthday. 574 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,277 Sorry, I totally got that wrong.