1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,937 TED: Kids, I never would have met your mother 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,139 without a little luck. 3 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,740 Specifically, the luck of the Irish. 4 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:08,309 St. Patrick's Day. 5 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:10,010 The one day of the year when every young person 6 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,113 in New York goes out and gets crazy. 7 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,781 Really crazy. 8 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,151 Okay, maybe not that crazy. 9 00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,087 But by 2008, we'd all had enough. 10 00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:20,654 Well, most of us. 11 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:21,989 (laughing) 12 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:25,093 Who wants to kiss The Barney Stone? 13 00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:26,294 Oh, look, it's the Riddler. 14 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:27,928 That's not the Riddler. That's Gumby. 15 00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:30,331 Hey, Gumby, can we tie you in a knot later? 16 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,734 Hey, NBA player sidelined by a knee injury? 17 00:00:33,801 --> 00:00:35,936 All right, laugh all you want, 18 00:00:36,003 --> 00:00:38,206 but this is my lucky St. Patty's Day suit. 19 00:00:38,272 --> 00:00:41,775 Yup, I have dry-cleaned many a stain off of this baby. 20 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,512 You know why it's lucky? 21 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,615 'Cause it's green, the color of go, as in let's. 22 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,183 Uh, Barney, we, uh... 23 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,951 we talked this over, and, uh, 24 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:52,653 we're not doing St. Patty's Day this year. 25 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,122 (laughs) 26 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,689 Come on. Let's... 27 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,658 Are you s... 28 00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:58,759 Oh! 29 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:01,129 Wow. Okay. 30 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,430 I think I got to lie down. 31 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,698 Can we shoot pool on you? 32 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,066 No! No! 33 00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,568 Unacceptable! 34 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:09,303 That's so not Raven! 35 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,904 What are you gonna do instead? 36 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,072 MARSHALL: We just got 37 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,207 the keys to our new apartment, 38 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,475 so we're gonna go over there 39 00:01:14,542 --> 00:01:15,976 and hang up that painting, have board game night. 40 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,245 You're welcome to join us if you want. 41 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,280 Board game night?! 42 00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,415 Board game night. 43 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:23,484 Come on! 44 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:26,220 Let's drink green beer. Let's do green Jell-O shots! 45 00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:28,889 Where's your St. Patty's Day spirit?! 46 00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,023 We're drinking green tea. 47 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,260 With caffeine. 48 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,727 Sorry, Peter. We're grown-ups now. 49 00:01:33,794 --> 00:01:36,264 We can't fly off to Neverland with you anymore. 50 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,832 All right, fine. 51 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,401 You know what? 52 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:42,403 I'll celebrate St. Patty's Day by myself. 53 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,172 I don't need you people. 54 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,241 You make me physically ill. 55 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:49,477 He did look a little green. 56 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,678 (laughter) 57 00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:51,712 (phone ringing) 58 00:01:54,515 --> 00:01:56,150 Hello? 59 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:57,518 Hey, happy St. Patty's Day! 60 00:01:57,585 --> 00:01:58,652 How are you? 61 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,488 Yeah, I haven't talked to you forever. 62 00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:02,656 Who is it? It's Ted's butt. 63 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,793 Ah, damn it! 64 00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,195 My phone keeps pocket-dialing! 65 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:08,962 That's, like, the eighth time today. 66 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,864 In fairness, I did call Ted's butt 67 00:02:10,931 --> 00:02:12,533 at, like, 2:00 this afternoon. 68 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,035 It took long enough to call you back. Yeah. 69 00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:17,171 (phone ringing) 70 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,939 Barney, where are you? 71 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,408 In a cab, heading downtown 72 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,810 with our hot and sexy dates for the evening. 73 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:26,214 Yes, it happens that fast! 74 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,915 We're going to that club Low Point, 75 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,082 and you're coming with us. 76 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,618 Barney, for the last time... 77 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,753 All right, I didn't want to tell you this 78 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,289 in front of Marshall and Lily because they're old and married, 79 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,857 and it's too late for them, anyway, 80 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:40,728 but Ted, the world is going to come to an end tonight. 81 00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:42,996 Yes. Think about it. 82 00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:44,632 End of the world, Nostradamus. 83 00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:45,933 Notre Dame. 84 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,835 Fighting Irish. Irish. 85 00:02:47,901 --> 00:02:49,102 St. Patrick's Day. 86 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,338 This is it, bro. 87 00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:52,773 Bro-pacalypse Now. 88 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,408 Bromageddon. 89 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,476 Ted, 90 00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,077 you are young, you're single. 91 00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:58,979 You'll have so much more fun with me. 92 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,849 Do you really want to spend your last night on earth 93 00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,784 playing board games with Marshall and Lily? 94 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,354 (sniffing) 95 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,788 My hands smell weird. 96 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,922 Smell this. 97 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,123 (sniffs) 98 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,559 Yeah, they do. That's new. 99 00:03:11,625 --> 00:03:14,462 I'll be there in five minutes. 100 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,696 Yes! 101 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:16,864 (laughs) All right! 102 00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,066 He's in! Ted's a great guy. 103 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,668 Y... 104 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,236 (humming) 105 00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,937 You're gonna love him. 106 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,307 (laughs) 107 00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:28,576 TED: So on March 17, 2008, 108 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:31,011 I went to a big St. Patrick's Day party. 109 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,846 And it's a good thing I did, 110 00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,848 because, funny story: 111 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:37,217 your mother was there. 112 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,903 Hey. Hi. 113 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,271 Have you met Ted? 114 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,906 Hi. I'm Mary. 115 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,441 Hi. Happy St. Patty's Day. 116 00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,975 I haven't met Ted, either. 117 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:03,877 I'm Stephanie. Hi. 118 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,613 Dude, back off. 119 00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:06,880 I called dibs on Stephanie. 120 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:08,316 Okay. Mary's hot. 121 00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:11,018 Well, then I want Mary. 122 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,986 Fine. 123 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,322 Oh, I see. 124 00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:16,256 Reverse psychology. 125 00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:19,026 Then I'm sticking with Stephanie, Dr. Freud. 126 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,193 Okay. 127 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,662 Which one do you want more? 128 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:23,297 Either one. I want them both. 129 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,299 You're an idiot, and it may be a moot point. 130 00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:26,967 I mean, it doesn't look like we're getting in. 131 00:04:27,034 --> 00:04:28,235 Look at this. 132 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,703 You know why there's a line? 133 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,605 It's because I ditched Marshall and Lily, 134 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,742 and now the universe is punishing us for it, that's why. 135 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,913 Yeah. 136 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,017 What's it gonna cost us to get in, $20? 137 00:04:44,084 --> 00:04:45,419 $40? 138 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:47,788 Dude, come on, you're making the wee folk look bad. 139 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,324 Just give him your pot o' gold. 140 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:52,593 Is it just you two? Don't worry. We're not gonna blow your ratio. 141 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,495 We happen to have two very hot girls with us. 142 00:04:55,329 --> 00:04:57,465 Mine's the hotter one. 143 00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,199 Sorry, guys. Look, if it was just you two, 144 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:00,401 you could go in right now. 145 00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:02,336 We got nothing but girls in there. 146 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,405 People are gonna start thinking it's a lesbian bar. 147 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:07,641 Would you excuse us for just a minute? 148 00:05:10,611 --> 00:05:11,845 Ted, I'm gonna be honest. 149 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:14,081 I was full of it with that whole Nostradamus thing. 150 00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,383 No. 151 00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:17,385 But I am starting to think there is 152 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,920 some serious planetary crap going on here tonight. 153 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:23,123 Never in the history of New York City nightclubs 154 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,058 has there been a shortage of dudes, 155 00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:28,161 not even during the Great Dude Shortage of 1883. 156 00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,697 We got to ditch these girls. 157 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,332 But you dragged them all the way down here. 158 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:35,536 I don't see no ring on this finger. 159 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:37,104 All right, hold on. 160 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,372 Uh, excuse me? 161 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,273 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 162 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,242 I don't know if they're hotter, 163 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:43,444 but they're drunker. 164 00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,112 Rock 'n' roll. 165 00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:47,748 (door opening) 166 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:51,251 Welcome to your dream home, my lady. 167 00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:53,521 (Marshall humming) 168 00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:54,888 All right, all right. 169 00:05:54,955 --> 00:05:56,123 You can put me down. 170 00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,257 Robin thinks we're weird. 171 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,392 No, it's fine. 172 00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,561 It was only weird on the subway. 173 00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:04,097 Oh. I'm gonna check the other rooms 174 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,800 to see if the previous owners left us any free stuff. 175 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,503 I'm gonna hang our first piece of art. 176 00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,138 Oh, look, there's already a nail. 177 00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,372 Hey, Lil, free nail! 178 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,575 LILY: Score! 179 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,045 How's that? 180 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:19,713 Perfect. (laughs) 181 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,749 Whoops. 182 00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,991 Oh, now this is ridiculous. 183 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,926 Is it the nail? 184 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,729 Marshall? Is the wall slippery or something? 185 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,165 Marshall. Is there a wind? Is there some sort of draft in here? 186 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,600 Marshall! What? 187 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,902 Your apartment's crooked. 188 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,571 What do you mean? 189 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,610 TED: It was the kind of thing 190 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:51,545 you didn't notice until you noticed it. 191 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,448 But once you did notice it, you couldn't not notice it. 192 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,850 Lily and Marshall's new apartment was crooked. 193 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,453 Oh, no! 194 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:01,722 Oh, no, no, no! 195 00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,356 No! 196 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,358 Oh, no, no. Oh, no. 197 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,027 Yes. Are you telling me that we just spent 198 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:09,396 our entire life savings and then some 199 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:10,931 on-on a crooked apartment? 200 00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:11,999 LILY: Oh, my God! 201 00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,300 No, she's gonna flip. 202 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,235 Just calm down. It's gonna be fine. 203 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,270 Look what I found in the kids' room! 204 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,606 Free skateboard. Score! (laughs) 205 00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:19,773 Free Hungry Hungry Hippos. 206 00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,208 Double score! (laughs) 207 00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:22,442 I'm gonna check the kitchen! 208 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:24,177 Okay. How could she not notice this? 209 00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:27,380 It's like the last 20 minutes of Titanic in here. 210 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,882 We have to keep this quiet. 211 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,852 If Lily finds out her new dream house is crooked, 212 00:07:31,919 --> 00:07:33,721 it's gonna... it's gonna break her heart. 213 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,623 (laughing): Free salad strainer! 214 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,591 I love this place. Yay! 215 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,459 (whispers): Just for tonight, okay? 216 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,595 Okay. 217 00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,664 But it's gonna be an uphill battle. 218 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:49,036 I am just saying we have to think of the right angle. 219 00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:51,639 I have a third one, but I'm not gonna say it. 220 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:55,509 Okay, Barney, I think we've stumbled 221 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,477 into some kind of ethical, philosophical wormhole. 222 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,812 Green suit. Yeah. 223 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,380 I ditched Marshall and Lily, 224 00:08:00,447 --> 00:08:02,215 and was rewarded with two beautiful girls. 225 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,651 Suit's made of green. 226 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,385 We bailed on those two beautiful girls, 227 00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,288 and now we're being rewarded with a sea of beautiful girls. 228 00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,456 38 long. 229 00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:10,924 It's like... 230 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,827 It's like the laws of the universe are working in reverse. 231 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,395 Can you put it on my tab? Yeah. What's the last name? 232 00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,830 Garrido. 233 00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:20,634 All right, I'm gonna try something, and if this works... 234 00:08:20,701 --> 00:08:22,703 Uh, hey. Hey, what can I get you guys? 235 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,705 A bottle of Dom Perignon, and can you put it on my tab? 236 00:08:24,772 --> 00:08:26,439 Sure. What's the name? 237 00:08:26,506 --> 00:08:27,641 Garrido. Dude! 238 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:28,709 Oh, uh, yeah, you're right. 239 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:29,910 Uh, make it two bottles. 240 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:31,945 Two. 241 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,447 Now we wait, see if something good happens... Oh! Hello! 242 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,816 St. Patrick's Day tradition. 243 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:38,518 If you're not wearing green, you got to get pinched. 244 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,253 Well, I guess I got what I deserved. 245 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:41,822 I'm not wearing green, either. 246 00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,324 This is, um, deep teal. 247 00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,493 The lighting makes it... 248 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:47,360 Uh, I'm Ted. 249 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:49,563 Ashlee with two "e"s. 250 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,265 Please. "C"s at most. 251 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:54,334 You know, you guys should come join me and my friends. 252 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,903 We have a bottle of tequila 253 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,872 and shockingly deep belly buttons. 254 00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:00,908 Okay, it's official: 255 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,309 do bad things, good things happen. 256 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,476 Shh! 257 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,646 Ted, listen. 258 00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,080 Are you hearing that? 259 00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,315 That's the universe. 260 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:09,850 The universe is talking to us. 261 00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:11,719 We don't have to build a baseball field, do we? 262 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:14,655 No. The universe is telling us 263 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,324 that we have a free pass tonight. 264 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,826 The universe is saying 265 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,394 that we don't have to live in fear of the... 266 00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,429 Are you still there? 267 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,431 Yeah, I'm here. 268 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:26,566 ...of the repercussions of our actions. 269 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,435 There is no waiting for tomorrow, 270 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,570 because do you know why, Ted? 271 00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:36,143 There is no tomorrow. 272 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:37,645 No tomorrow, huh? 273 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,613 By the way, Mr. Garrido, 274 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,549 second bottle of champagne gets you a complimentary ounce of caviar. 275 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,952 Enjoy. 276 00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,988 (upbeat instrumental Irish music plays) 277 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,122 No tomorrow! 278 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,323 No tomorrow! 279 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,259 ALL: No tomorrow! 280 00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:54,127 Hey, I wonder what the grown-ups are doing right now. 281 00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,096 (laughs) 282 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:58,298 (shouting excitedly) 283 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,667 Oh... 284 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,101 I win again. 285 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,270 Why do I keep winning? 286 00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,840 Maybe your hippo is just hungrier hungrier than ours. 287 00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:07,975 That's it. That's what it is. 288 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,643 It's not gravity, that's for sure. 289 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,378 I'll tell you that. 290 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,612 Whoa. 291 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,614 What was that? 292 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:20,821 What's going on here? 293 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,058 Okay, Lily... (sighs) 294 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:28,295 while you were in the other room, Robin and I, 295 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,731 we discovered something about the apartment. 296 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,032 It's not a big deal. 297 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,334 It's not like a disaster. It's just... 298 00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:36,970 It's something that we're going to have to learn to live with. 299 00:10:40,908 --> 00:10:42,976 Robin and I saw a ghost. 300 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:45,545 What? 301 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:46,680 Oh, he's kidding, right? 302 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:49,516 No, we really saw a ghost. 303 00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:51,251 What did it look like? 304 00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:55,689 Uh, a sheet with two holes in it. 305 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,657 He was a Confederate general 306 00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,093 who was wounded at the Battle of Antietam, 307 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,762 and he died at the army hospital 308 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:05,032 which once stood on this very spot. 309 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,967 And now he wanders these halls, 310 00:11:07,034 --> 00:11:09,169 vowing revenge against the Union cannonade 311 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:10,871 that once felled him. 312 00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:14,007 But he seems nice. He's a good-good guy. 313 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,876 Marshall, you see ghosts everywhere. 314 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:18,078 You see ghosts at Starbucks. 315 00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:22,282 That Kenny G holiday CD just flew off the shelf. 316 00:11:22,349 --> 00:11:24,017 Last time that happened. 317 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,953 But, Robin, you're a skeptic, 318 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,421 so if you say you saw a ghost... 319 00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,559 (monotonic): It passed right through me, 320 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:36,296 and suddenly I felt cold, so very cold. 321 00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:39,699 (Lily screams) 322 00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,102 You know, Ashlee, I'm sorry. 323 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,837 You're probably just gonna want to get up and walk away, 324 00:11:43,904 --> 00:11:45,672 but I just have to test out this theory 325 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:47,174 I've been working on. 326 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:50,744 Tonight, I am not looking for a relationship. 327 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,312 I really just want to hook up with you, 328 00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:54,714 leave before breakfast, and never see you again. 329 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,583 (clears throat) 330 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,251 I'm in. 331 00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,087 Unbelievable. 332 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,155 (growling) 333 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:04,491 Hot damn, that's a deep navel. 334 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,393 No tomorrow, Ted. 335 00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,361 Yeah, no tomorrow, Barney. 336 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,163 No tomorrow, huh? 337 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,198 Hmm. 338 00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,699 I like that idea. 339 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:15,268 Because if there is a tomorrow, 340 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:18,438 I'm gonna be in a lot of trouble. 341 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:19,807 Oh, yeah? Why is that? Mm-hmm. 342 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,809 I'm married. 343 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:28,548 Tell me you're messing with me, guys. 344 00:12:28,615 --> 00:12:30,317 You didn't actually see a ghost. 345 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,219 It's not a big deal, baby. 346 00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,987 He seemed friendly. 347 00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,522 You said he's a Confederate general. 348 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,689 They're the bad guys. 349 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:37,858 And he's probably racist. 350 00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,426 MARSHALL: No, 351 00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:40,627 he seemed polite. 352 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,896 He had courtly Southern manners. 353 00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:44,932 We're gonna raise our kids here. 354 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:47,067 I don't want some Confederate general ghost 355 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:48,969 teaching them his racism. 356 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,304 He loves people of all colors 357 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,505 and creeds. 358 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,307 He was fighting for states' rights, that's all. 359 00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:55,876 Robin said he was wearing a sheet. 360 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,811 What do you think that means? 361 00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:00,580 The apartment is crooked. 362 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:01,581 What? 363 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,050 (gasps) 364 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,386 Robin and I didn't see a ghost. 365 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:11,491 The floor is crooked, isn't it? 366 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:14,461 Yeah. 367 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:18,065 We spent our entire life's savings on this floor. 368 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:21,268 The next 30 mortgage-paying years of our lives 369 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:26,306 will be spent on this floor, and it's crooked. 370 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:29,910 (sobbing) 371 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:34,181 Thanks a lot, Robin. 372 00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,515 (Lily sobbing) 373 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:39,586 How is "racist ghost" better than "crooked"? 374 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,954 (sobbing) 375 00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,689 Seriously, somebody tell me how that's better. 376 00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,024 Because... 377 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,294 Oh, I'm sorry. 378 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,628 Oh, that's okay. 379 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:51,298 Um, dude, so, I'm having second thoughts about that theory. 380 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,599 I'm telling you, 381 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,935 if you want to know how old a woman is, check her elbows. 382 00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,937 Not that theory. 383 00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,071 You have to be more specific, Ted, 384 00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,506 'cause I have so many theories. 385 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:02,475 The whole do bad, good things happen... Oh. 386 00:14:02,542 --> 00:14:04,511 Ashlee is married. 387 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:06,179 So? What do you mean, so? 388 00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,315 Open your brain tank, brah, 389 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:11,751 'cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge. 390 00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:13,020 There's three rules of cheating: 391 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,056 It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married, 392 00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:19,292 it's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels, 393 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,628 and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. 394 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,530 You're fine on all three counts. 395 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:25,365 How do you know she's from a different area code? 396 00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:27,267 She's 516. 397 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,269 She might dress like she's 718, 398 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:32,705 act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516. 399 00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:33,806 Oh, and her husband-- 400 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,276 letting her out alone on Saint Patty's Day? 401 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:39,879 If that dude's not 973, I'm 307. 402 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,216 Wyoming. 403 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:49,356 We're gonna have to nail down all our furniture. 404 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,124 We won't be able to get a pinball machine. 405 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,060 I mean, unless we put some books 406 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,561 under two of the legs or something. 407 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,396 But then what if we want to read those books? 408 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,265 This is a nightmare. 409 00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,766 We can't raise our kids here. 410 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,601 They'll grow up slanted. 411 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,972 If we have a daughter, we'll have to call her Eileen. 412 00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:08,008 I don't think we can live here, Marshall. 413 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,710 I don't know what we're gonna do. 414 00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,912 Marshall? 415 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:14,982 Open the door. 416 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,593 If I make it through the door, 417 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,761 that's five points. 418 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:31,464 (Robin whooping) 419 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,600 Yeah! 420 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,934 (crashing) Whoo! 421 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,103 ROBIN: Five points! 422 00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:38,138 Ten bucks says I can do it backwards. 423 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,307 So Lily and Marshall decided 424 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,542 to make the best of a bad situation. 425 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,978 And that's also how the sport of Apartment Roller Luge 426 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,479 was invented. 427 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:49,382 ROBIN: Go, Lily, go! 428 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,119 So she's married? It's not like she has kids. 429 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:52,952 How do you know? 430 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,387 Wrists. 431 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,489 It's like you don't even listen to me. 432 00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:58,691 Whoa. 433 00:15:58,758 --> 00:15:59,792 Oh, hey. Hey. 434 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:01,028 Hey. Where'd you go? 435 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,262 Well, I just, um... 436 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:03,730 Was it something I said? 437 00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:05,365 No, no, no, it's just, well... 438 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,334 you're married and-and we've been drinking, 439 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,136 and I was worried we might... 440 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,771 Oh, this is a very bad idea. 441 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:13,973 Uh-uh. 442 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,942 We have a problem. 443 00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:18,478 Hey, hey. Hey. 444 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,381 Is this your husband? 445 00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:22,882 I've never seen this man in my life. 446 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:24,051 Oh, okay. 447 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,485 Uh, what's our problem? 448 00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,320 (chuckles): Rick. Rick Garrido. 449 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:28,855 According to the bartender, 450 00:16:28,921 --> 00:16:31,291 I'm the guy that's been buying you champagne all night. 451 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:34,627 Okay, there's-there's a very simple explana... 452 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,797 TED: Next thing I know the police show up, 453 00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,166 they arrest the other guy, 454 00:16:39,232 --> 00:16:40,767 and I'm drinking for free the rest of the night. 455 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,602 (chuckles): It was awesome. 456 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,005 Awesome, huh? 457 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:47,174 Yeah. 458 00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,242 You don't see anything wrong with that story? 459 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,612 Well, I lost my new phone back at the club somewhere. 460 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,347 What the hell is wrong with you, dude? 461 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:56,849 You know me, I lose things. 462 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,751 You kissed a married woman, Ted. 463 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:01,288 You committed credit card fraud. 464 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,556 You... you kissed a married woman. 465 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,392 Do you know how offensive that is to me? 466 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,793 You're turning into Barney. 467 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:09,362 We don't need another Barney. 468 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,298 Look... 469 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:12,432 it's Saint Patty's Day. 470 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,001 It wasn't as bad as it sounds. 471 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,003 "It wasn't as bad as it sounds"? 472 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:17,837 No. Huh? 473 00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,206 Okay... 474 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,142 I want you to hear exactly how it sounds, Ted. 475 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,344 RECORDING: First skipped message. 476 00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:26,346 BARNEY: I don't see no ring on this finger. 477 00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,781 And then last night started coming back to me: 478 00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,417 the real version. 479 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,120 Are the girls in there hotter than our dates? 480 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,587 I don't know if they're hotter, 481 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,922 but they're drunker. 482 00:17:35,988 --> 00:17:38,691 Rock 'n' roll. 483 00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:43,330 How many messages did I...? 484 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,098 Seventeen... from your butt. 485 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,267 Kids, it's sometimes possible to think 486 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,302 you're doing just fine in life... 487 00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:50,637 RECORDING: Next message. 488 00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,905 Can you put it on my tab? (imitates gunshot) 489 00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:54,107 Sure, what's the last name? 490 00:17:54,174 --> 00:17:56,209 Garrido. 491 00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,178 ...and then someone opens your eyes a little bit, 492 00:17:58,245 --> 00:17:59,846 and you realize... 493 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,214 RECORDING: Next message. 494 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,782 I really want to hook up with you, 495 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,785 leave before breakfast, and then never see you again. 496 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,288 ...your whole world is off balance... 497 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:09,989 RECORDING: Next message. 498 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,191 ...out of whack... 499 00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:13,226 Okay, look, brah, 500 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,662 there is a very simple explana... 501 00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,730 ...crooked. 502 00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,432 (moaning) 503 00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:21,468 Wow. 504 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,437 That was hard to listen to. 505 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:28,575 No one likes how they sound on an answering machine. 506 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,744 Thanks for doing that. 507 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,316 You yelled at me. 508 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,585 You got very firm with me. 509 00:18:38,651 --> 00:18:40,119 Very confident. 510 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:41,621 It was cool. 511 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:42,722 Thanks. 512 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,124 You're very sexy when you yell, Marshall. 513 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,092 Shut up. 514 00:18:46,159 --> 00:18:47,827 Veins, crazy muscles in your neck. 515 00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:50,062 You look like a Kentucky Derby-winning steed. 516 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:51,598 You're ruining a nice moment. 517 00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:54,000 At one point, I swear, I thought we were gonna kiss. 518 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,668 Ted, seriously. 519 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:56,869 I'm married. 520 00:18:56,936 --> 00:18:58,037 (laughs) 521 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:01,908 Oh... a slanted floor. 522 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,477 Architecturally speaking, fixing that's going to be... 523 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,646 Very, very, very expensive. 524 00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:08,548 And it's gonna take some time, too, 525 00:19:08,615 --> 00:19:11,117 so it looks like you're stuck with us 526 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,985 for a little while longer, if that's okay. 527 00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:14,587 Are you kidding? I love it. 528 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,789 I don't know what's gonna happen to me without you guys around. 529 00:19:16,856 --> 00:19:18,658 Where are you going? 530 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:21,994 I'm going to get my stupid phone. 531 00:19:22,061 --> 00:19:24,864 So that was Saint Patrick's Day, 2008. 532 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,834 I found out years later that your mom was at that party. 533 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,036 I just didn't meet her. 534 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,539 And it's a good thing I didn't, 'cause if I had met her, 535 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:35,007 I don't think she would have liked me. 536 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,109 Heck, I don't think I liked me. 537 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,945 But that's okay. 538 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:41,248 Tomorrow had arrived. 539 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,517 (mouthing) 540 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,719 * * 541 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:11,978 * * 542 00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,850 You see, I didn't know it yet, 543 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:21,688 but my luck was about to change. 544 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:23,690 * * 545 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,468 (metallic clattering) 546 00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,874 (coughing) 547 00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:47,447 I'm awesome.