1 00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:03,371 Oh, my God! 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:04,872 I have a tattoo. 3 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:06,407 Oh, that's not a tattoo. 4 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,709 That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. 5 00:00:08,742 --> 00:00:10,811 A tramp stamp. 6 00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,980 TED: Kids, too often in life, 7 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,217 we make decisions that we're not prepared to live with. 8 00:00:17,585 --> 00:00:19,720 This is a story about those decisions, 9 00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,923 and the consequences that follow. 10 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,059 Say good-bye, kids, 11 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,528 'cause it won't be around much longer. 12 00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,230 Oh, but, Ted, if you get rid of the butterfly, 13 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,698 how's everyone gonna know 14 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:32,500 you're a stripper from Reno with Daddy issues? 15 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:33,534 (laughing) 16 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,103 Yes, yes, enjoy these 17 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:36,937 final moments of mockery 18 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:40,208 because in just ten surprisingly expensive sessions, 19 00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,510 Stella is gonna zap that butterfly 20 00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,078 right off the face of my lower back. 21 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:45,779 Stella? Dr. Stella Zinman. 22 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,348 She's the best in the business. 23 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,916 And she's rather cute. 24 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:51,552 In fact... we're going to a movie together tonight. 25 00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:52,120 What? 26 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,621 I asked her out. 27 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,289 Oy. Oh. Ted, why would you do that? 28 00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:56,857 What's the matter with you? What? 29 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,958 What do you mean? Dude... 30 00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:00,060 don't poop where you eat. 31 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,563 Oh, no, this doesn't count. 32 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,198 If it's someone you see on a regular basis, 33 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,766 and you can't avoid them... 34 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:06,800 And in this case, you're paying them... 35 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:07,935 then yes, it counts. 36 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:09,103 Ted, 37 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,604 you've heard of the Golden Rule, right? 38 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:11,905 "Love thy neighbor?" 39 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,574 Uh, actually, it's "Do unto others 40 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,875 as you would have them do unto you." 41 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,644 It's from the Bible. 42 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:19,079 Damn it, Ted, I've worked out this whole thing 43 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,748 where the Golden Rule is "Love thy neighbor," 44 00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,416 so just... okay? 45 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,986 Now, the Golden Rule is "Love thy neighbor." 46 00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:28,289 But there's one rule above it: 47 00:01:28,322 --> 00:01:30,124 the Platinum Rule: Mmm. 48 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:34,995 "Never ever, ever, ever, love thy neighbor." 49 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,830 Well, that's cute. 50 00:01:36,864 --> 00:01:38,632 But she's not my neighbor; she's my doctor. 51 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:40,134 So if you'll excuse me... Wait, Ted, 52 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:40,834 Barney has a point. 53 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,170 Remember what happened 54 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,737 with me and Curt down at the station? 55 00:01:43,771 --> 00:01:44,905 Oh, yeah, and remember what happened with us 56 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,606 and the Gerards across the hall? 57 00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,740 Need I remind you 58 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,342 about me and Wendy the Waitress? 59 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:50,344 Yeah, I don't have time for this. 60 00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,146 I'm out the door as soon as I'm finished with my hair. 61 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:54,114 Good, then we've got a solid half hour. 62 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,283 (all laugh) 63 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,150 And in that time, 64 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:57,318 we will convince you 65 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,453 not to set foot out that door. 66 00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,989 It's a story older than time, my friend, 67 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,792 and it always plays out in the same eight steps. 68 00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,860 Step 1: Attraction. 69 00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:09,463 No, that's not possible. It's true. 70 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:10,831 That's not even possible. 71 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:11,665 12 of them. There's no way. 72 00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,267 Hi, Barney. Hey. 73 00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:14,468 Here's your gin and tonic. Thanks. 74 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,669 Oh, gosh. 75 00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,371 Look at that. 76 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,211 Oh, hi! 77 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,845 Hi. You must be our new neighbors. 78 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,180 I'm Michael. And I'm Laura. 79 00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:28,048 Oh, hi, welcome to the building. Yeah. 80 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:30,351 Do you guys know any good brunch places around here? 81 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,486 We love brunch! 82 00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:37,525 You must be Robin. 83 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:38,692 Mmm. 84 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:39,993 Yeah. 85 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,662 Curt "The Iron Man" Irons. 86 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:42,863 I'm gonna be doing sports. 87 00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,333 Oh. Welcome. 88 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:46,500 You look really familiar. 89 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:47,835 Are you a former athlete? 90 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,036 Hockey. 91 00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:51,171 The attraction is 92 00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:52,906 instant and undeniable. 93 00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,508 But you know better. 94 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:56,510 You've seen your friends make the same mistakes 95 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:57,311 before. 96 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,179 You've laughed smugly at them. 97 00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:01,181 (chuckling): Idiots. 98 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:04,418 But still, you think, "This is different. 99 00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,820 The Platinum Rule doesn't apply to me." 100 00:03:06,854 --> 00:03:09,022 And that's Step 2. 101 00:03:09,056 --> 00:03:10,057 Bargaining. 102 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,260 I think I've got 103 00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:14,362 a little crush on our sports guy. No. 104 00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,663 No, don't do it. No, no, no, no. 105 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,930 I know, I know. 106 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:19,166 But he used to play hockey, and I'm a Canadian. 107 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,501 I can't help it. 108 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,035 If he were missing some teeth, 109 00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:23,671 I probably would've already hit that. 110 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,939 Robin, it's a mistake. 111 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,841 Remember what happened with me and Marshall? 112 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,677 The Gerards across the hall? 113 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,011 Michael and Laura. 114 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,380 They're awesome! 115 00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:34,114 We're gonna invite them over for dinner. 116 00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:35,449 No! No! Really? Are you insane? 117 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:36,384 Guys, guys, guys, 118 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,885 this is New York City. 119 00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,453 You don't get close to the neighbors. 120 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:41,522 You nod at them politely in the hall. 121 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,591 You call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while 122 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:46,226 and you smell something funny, and that is it. 123 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:47,795 We're not gonna date them. 124 00:03:47,828 --> 00:03:49,096 We're just gonna be friends with them. 125 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,631 That's the couples version of dating. 126 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,233 And you've got the couples version of the hots for them. 127 00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,368 Oh, yeah, 128 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,136 you want to eat brunch with them. 129 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,572 You want to browse at Pottery Barn with them. 130 00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,908 You want to go antiquing with them, don't you? 131 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,443 Oh, yeah, 132 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,878 you want to antique the crap out of them. 133 00:04:04,912 --> 00:04:06,280 Need I remind you 134 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:09,483 what happened with me and Wendy the Waitress? 135 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:12,052 I've decided to seduce Wendy the Waitress. 136 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:12,986 No! 137 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,054 Don't do it! Request denied! 138 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,889 What rule is there 139 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,925 that says I can't seduce the waitress at my favorite bar? 140 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:20,428 I don't know. I'd expect you to have one already. 141 00:04:20,461 --> 00:04:22,129 Yeah, with some sort of catchy name. 142 00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,564 Well, I don't. 143 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,599 I don't have one and I never will 144 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:26,967 because it's a great idea. 145 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,068 Come on, guys. 146 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,937 She's gullible. I'm bored. 147 00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:31,138 We're perfect for each other. 148 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,139 TED: Barney. 149 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:33,841 We love this bar. 150 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,509 If you screw over Wendy the Waitress, 151 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,311 you're going to kill the bar. 152 00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,747 Bar-killer. Don't kill the bar, dude. 153 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,484 Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay. 154 00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,819 And it was a huge mistake. 155 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:49,022 Yeah, well, I think it'll be okay. 156 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,359 And it was a huge mistake. 157 00:04:51,392 --> 00:04:55,262 Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay. 158 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,865 And it was a huge mistake. 159 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,334 Yeah, well... I think it'll be okay. 160 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,185 Ted, trust me. 161 00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:19,653 You don't want to do this. 162 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,489 Look, Stella and I are both adults. 163 00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:23,391 We're both smart, mature people 164 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,892 capable of making good decisions. 165 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:28,028 You have a butterfly tramp stamp. 166 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:30,163 We're just seeing a movie. 167 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:32,165 If it seems at all weird, I'll back off. 168 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:34,001 That's what everyone thinks. 169 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,969 And then along comes Step 3: 170 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,571 Submission. 171 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,473 Night. 172 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,208 Hey, Barney. 173 00:05:41,241 --> 00:05:44,011 Carl had to take off. You mind giving me a hand? 174 00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,714 Not at all. 175 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,850 Robin. Mmm? 176 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,184 I got two tickets to the Rangers. 177 00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:52,352 Center ice. 178 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,454 Want to go? 179 00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:57,691 And then we discover the movers lost all our kitchen boxes. 180 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,660 We don't have a single pot or pan. 181 00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,161 Guess we're ordering take-out. 182 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,865 Want to have dinner with us tonight? 183 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:11,472 * 184 00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:21,415 * 185 00:06:28,956 --> 00:06:30,824 I love them. Me, too. 186 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,131 (sighs) 187 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,467 Wow. 188 00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:42,870 That was an interesting use of the beverage gun. 189 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,972 Club soda can get anything off. 190 00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,273 (sighs) 191 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:47,941 It finally happened. 192 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,943 All this time, 193 00:06:49,977 --> 00:06:52,079 every drink I brought you... 194 00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:55,282 I always felt there was this unspoken connection between us. 195 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:57,284 And I was right. 196 00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:01,121 Hey, can I get a gin and tonic? 197 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,056 See, I bet you didn't pay for that gin and tonic. 198 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:06,059 Oh, I paid for it. 199 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,761 But you got to admit, there is an upside 200 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,262 to breaking The Platinum Rule. 201 00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:10,297 Like maybe, as her boyfriend, 202 00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,899 I could get a discount on treatments. 203 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,066 Oh, Ted. 204 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,768 Of course there's an upside. 205 00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:15,636 At first. 206 00:07:15,669 --> 00:07:16,804 That's Step 4. 207 00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:18,171 Perks. 208 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,073 We can split a cab to work together. 209 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,676 We always have a standing lunch date. 210 00:07:22,710 --> 00:07:24,244 And last night, at the hockey game, 211 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,913 Curt got us into the locker room, 212 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:28,682 and I met Mason Raymond. 213 00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,884 Left Wing for the Vancouver Canucks. 214 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,921 What's the opposite of name-dropping? 215 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,823 Damn it, you guys. 216 00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:36,857 Be psyched. 217 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:38,358 Yes, we see each other every day, 218 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,027 but I think it's going really well. 219 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,129 That's what we thought. 220 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,497 And it's so convenient. 221 00:07:43,531 --> 00:07:45,032 They're right across the hall. 222 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,934 Say it's Sunday, 223 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,169 and we want to have a brunch double date with someone? 224 00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:51,138 We just go across the hall. 225 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,006 And say we want to have a dinner party 226 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,808 exploring the wine and cuisine 227 00:07:54,842 --> 00:07:56,176 of France's Loire Valley? 228 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:57,945 We just go across the hall. 229 00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,413 Say we want to play a game of charades... 230 00:08:09,356 --> 00:08:11,024 You just go across the hall? 231 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,361 Come on, people. Get excited for us. 232 00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:16,396 We've got a great thing going here. 233 00:08:16,429 --> 00:08:18,365 That's what I thought. 234 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,500 Dude, you got to flick it. You don't... 235 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,869 Hi, sweetie. 236 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:24,905 I had the kitchen whip these up, no charge. 237 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,975 Okay. 238 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,810 Bye. 239 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,079 I mean, not bye. I'm not leaving. 240 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,181 I'll be over there. 241 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,283 Okay. 242 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,789 Come on, guys. Free nachos. 243 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,324 What? 244 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,193 We like this bar. 245 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,828 Don't kill the bar, dude. 246 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:48,762 Nay, we love this bar. Don't kill the bar, dude. 247 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,430 This bar is like home to us. 248 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,566 Don't kill the bar, dude. You're killing the bar. 249 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,501 I am not killing the bar. 250 00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,736 Wendy the Waitress 251 00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:58,105 has seen how I operate in this place. 252 00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,106 It is perfectly clear 253 00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:00,708 to everyone involved 254 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:03,577 that this is nothing more than a temporary fling. 255 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:10,517 It's fine. 256 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,052 But it wasn't. 257 00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,254 It's fine. 258 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:15,889 But it wasn't. 259 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,925 It's fine. 260 00:09:17,958 --> 00:09:20,527 But it wasn't. 261 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,129 Which brings us to Step 5: 262 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,965 ...but he should be back on the mound 263 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,399 by spring training. 264 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,701 And that's sports. 265 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,036 Back to you, Robin. 266 00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,270 Thanks, Iron Man. 267 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,371 We'll be right back. 268 00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,040 MAN: And clear. 269 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,042 So you want to do something later? 270 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,477 Oh, so you're talking to me now? 271 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:39,546 What are you talking about? 272 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,082 I'm talking about last night. 273 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:43,951 You said you'd call and you didn't. 274 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,486 I missed you and I waited up, but you didn't call. 275 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,455 That really hurt. 276 00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,057 Oh. 277 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,326 Um, I'm sorry, I-I guess I just forgot. 278 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,562 I'm sorry, sweetie. 279 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,564 I don't want to fight tonight. 280 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,867 It's our first weekiversary. 281 00:10:01,501 --> 00:10:03,603 On my suggestion, you flip it. 282 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,673 Why would you flip it? It doesn't... 283 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,575 Hey, Wendy, uh, do me a favor 284 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,143 and send a glass of champagne 285 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:11,011 to that pretty young thing over there. 286 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,212 What? 287 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,150 Over there. 288 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,852 You. 289 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,689 You're the pretty young thing... 290 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,957 is what I meant. 291 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:27,294 Champagne? Would you? On me. 292 00:10:27,327 --> 00:10:28,696 Oh. Okay. 293 00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,497 Thanks, sweetie. 294 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,365 Okay. 295 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:34,634 All right. 296 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,840 Hey, neighbors. 297 00:10:39,873 --> 00:10:42,442 We bought all the fixings for a Mexican fiesta. 298 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:43,543 Oh. 299 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,279 Um, well, we actually have tickets... 300 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,115 And no fiesta would be complete without... 301 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,282 Dude, actually, we made other plans, so... 302 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,884 Okay. One word. 303 00:10:50,918 --> 00:10:52,652 Two syllables. Sounds like... 304 00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:56,724 ..."parade." Charades. 305 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:57,657 Charades. 306 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,092 What do you say? 307 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,672 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 308 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,144 Which brings us to Step 6. 309 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,912 Yeah, listen, I'm leaving. 310 00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,080 So if you want to write the rest of these down, 311 00:11:20,113 --> 00:11:21,982 I will read it tomorrow. 312 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,383 Don't do this, Ted. 313 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,752 You want to get out of the way? 314 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,319 Don't do this, Ted. All right. 315 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,755 Don't. 316 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,389 Dude! Gah! 317 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,523 It was perfect! 318 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,259 You're such a jerk. 319 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:34,862 Which brings us to Step 6. 320 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,864 You finally realize you've made a huge mistake 321 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:38,565 and now you have to live with it. 322 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,101 Step 6 is called Purg... Wait for it. 323 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,403 Keep waiting... 324 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,072 keep waiting for all of eternity 325 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,707 only to discover there's no escape-- atory. 326 00:11:47,741 --> 00:11:49,910 God, I'm such 327 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,244 an idiot. 328 00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:52,746 Yeah. 329 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:55,682 Curt "The Iron Man" Irons 330 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,918 keeps leaving me love notes on Post-Its. 331 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,953 On the teleprompter, on my desk, 332 00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:01,755 on the coffee-maker, 333 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:05,292 on the jar of sugar packets next to the coffee-maker. 334 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,594 "Here's some sugar for my sugar." 335 00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,962 The Iron Man. 336 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,031 (sighing) 337 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,600 I remember that. 338 00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,268 God, we are such idiots. 339 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,636 Yup. 340 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,271 Every time we step out the door, 341 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,040 they're out there waiting for us. 342 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:23,043 Sometimes, we'll send Ted out first as a scout. 343 00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:24,477 Nobody's there. 344 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:28,048 Then we'll go out one second later, and there they are. 345 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,582 It's freakin' supernatural. 346 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,284 Are they ghosts? Can only we see them? 347 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:33,253 "Hey, neighbor." "Hey, neighbor." "Hey, neighbor." 348 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:35,622 (sighs) 349 00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,657 Hmm, I remember that. 350 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:39,960 How could you guys let me date Wendy the Waitress? 351 00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:41,962 Oh, you are kidding me. What?! 352 00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:43,463 Don't kill the bar, dude. We said, "Don't do it." 353 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,475 My own bar. 354 00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:58,946 I can't hit on women in my own bar. 355 00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:00,413 Remember the old Barney? 356 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,983 He was a lion, the king of the jungle, 357 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,485 stalking whatever prey he chose, 358 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:08,088 going in for the kill. 359 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,589 You've got a whole meat locker at home 360 00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:11,458 full of corpses, don't you? 361 00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,525 Now look at me. 362 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,361 Declawed. Neutered. 363 00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:15,996 What was once 364 00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:18,098 my jungle is now my zoo. 365 00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:22,002 And I am forced to mate with the same old lioness 366 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,872 again and again and again, 367 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,974 while families pay to watch. 368 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:30,143 Yeah, this metaphor's really falling apart. 369 00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:34,882 Put a bell around my neck and scratch my belly, kids, 370 00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:39,219 for I am just a docile housecat now. 371 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,455 Meow. 372 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,824 Well, we love this bar. 373 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:45,993 You can't dump her. 374 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,560 Marry her if you have to. 375 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:50,663 Wendy the Waitress-Hyphen-Stinson. 376 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,565 Don't kill the bar, dude. 377 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:59,139 And so, inevitably, you have to do the thing 378 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,540 you've been dreading all along. 379 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,309 Now, a relationship-ectomy 380 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,878 is a delicate surgery as it is, 381 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,880 but in the case of the Platinum Rule, 382 00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:10,884 it takes a very, very steady hand, and that's... 383 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:14,021 Step 7: Confrontation. 384 00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,894 Curt, we need to talk. 385 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,330 I like you... 386 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,165 Guys, we like you a lot... 387 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:26,866 I don't like you. 388 00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,670 We're pretending this works, but it doesn't. 389 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,240 And I'm getting a little sick of the whole charade. 390 00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,208 We're getting a little sick of charades. 391 00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:37,577 I mean, I don't like you that way. 392 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,046 I used to like you that way. 393 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:40,280 But now that I've seen everything 394 00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:42,082 there is to see, I don't know, 395 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,951 I kind of want to see those same parts 396 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:46,253 just... on other girls. 397 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:50,557 So maybe, we could go back to just being coworkers. 398 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,760 Maybe we should just go back to being neighbors. 399 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,129 Other girls and you, 400 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:57,630 if you're into that. 401 00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,967 But the other girls have to be there, too. 402 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,435 That's the important part. 403 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:05,638 Gosh, you're just terrified 404 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:08,141 of ever getting close to anyone, aren't you? 405 00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,809 Or that. 406 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,578 Let's say it's that. 407 00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:14,581 So can I get a gin and tonic? 408 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:17,550 And in any other relationship, 409 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:18,651 that would be it. 410 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,120 End of story. 411 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,155 But because you have to see this person again, 412 00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:25,125 there's a Step 8: Fallout. 413 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,826 ROBIN: And now, here's 414 00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:29,963 Curt "The Iron Man" Irons with sports. 415 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:32,099 Curt? 416 00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:35,935 Curt? 417 00:15:41,808 --> 00:15:43,843 Well, the Knicks lost. 418 00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,645 It's sad, really. 419 00:15:45,678 --> 00:15:47,680 They had a real shot. 420 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:51,684 Then, out of nowhere, game over. 421 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:54,087 And why? 422 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,488 Why, Robin? 423 00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,791 Uh, well, their perimeter shooting 424 00:15:58,825 --> 00:16:01,094 has been a little bit off this season... 425 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,962 The Knicks lost because they were afraid of getting hurt. 426 00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:04,931 So they didn't even try. 427 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,599 Well, you know what I think? 428 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:07,934 I think 429 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:11,038 the Knicks didn't deserve my love to begin with. 430 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,440 The Knicks suck. 431 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,974 (sobbing) 432 00:16:19,012 --> 00:16:21,448 And that's sports. 433 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,050 LILY: Do you see anything? 434 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:24,451 MARSHALL: I think we're clear. 435 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,885 Okay, go, go, go! 436 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,628 (hushed): That was close. 437 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:36,629 (hushed): Too close. 438 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,065 (knocking) 439 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,532 You've got to be kidding me. 440 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:40,667 What do we do? 441 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,335 I have no idea. 442 00:16:42,369 --> 00:16:43,836 (knocking continues) 443 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,372 TED: Guys, are you there? 444 00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,240 I forgot my keys. Can you open up? 445 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,808 It's just Ted. 446 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:50,910 Wait! 447 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,380 Hello? (knocking) 448 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:54,747 Guys? 449 00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,016 (mouthing words) 450 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:05,825 Baby, we only have one choice. 451 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,727 Okay, hurry! Michael and Laura are probably... 452 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,762 (Lily screams) 453 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,398 Hey, neighbors. 454 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,233 Yeah. (Barney chuckles) 455 00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,869 Barney, I just want you to know, I have no hard feelings. 456 00:17:16,903 --> 00:17:18,438 It wasn't the best idea 457 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:19,906 for us to get involved. 458 00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:21,774 I hope we can still be friends. 459 00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,343 Thanks, Wendy. 460 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,611 Of course we can. 461 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,413 If you need anything else, let me know. 462 00:17:26,946 --> 00:17:29,282 Wow. 463 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,917 I've got to hand it to Wendy the Waitress: 464 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,185 that was very mature of her. 465 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,053 She's gonna try to kill me. 466 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:36,723 This is poisoned. 467 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,258 What? You're being ridiculous. 468 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,892 Yours is poisoned, too. 469 00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:41,294 She's trying to kill me and everyone close to me. 470 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,230 What are you talking about? Ted! 471 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:45,098 Look at the facts: I dump her 472 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,933 and she says, "No hard feelings." 473 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:49,202 She's a psycho! 474 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:51,104 What other explanation is there? 475 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,373 Uh, that you're letting yourself believe she's crazy 476 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:55,575 so you don't have to face the far more likely possibility 477 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,076 that she doesn't want to date you either? 478 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,114 Where did Marshall get that hamburger? 479 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:02,382 I don't know, I guess 480 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,451 Wendy the Waitress brought it to him. 481 00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:06,586 Nooooooo! 482 00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:14,827 Dude. 483 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,996 You're welcome. 484 00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,165 Wait a second. 485 00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:19,966 You've been sitting here, 486 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:22,902 pretending to be the expert on all this, 487 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:25,104 but the truth is, there was no real fallout 488 00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,306 from your breakup at all? 489 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,840 Yet. 490 00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,342 You're an idiot. 491 00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,110 All right, I'm taking off. 492 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,112 What?! I have a date. 493 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:37,684 Wha...? You are such a jerk! 494 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:40,253 Ted, have you not been listening? 495 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,589 Attraction, bargaining, submission, 496 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:43,956 perks, tipping point, 497 00:18:43,990 --> 00:18:45,825 purgatory, confrontation, fallout! 498 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:47,660 These things will all happen to you 499 00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:48,928 as surely as they happened to all of us! 500 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,530 It's a rule of nature! 501 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,299 Well, I'm sick of all the rules! 502 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,633 There's too many of them! 503 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,302 The Hot/Crazy Scale, the Lemon Law, 504 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:56,369 the Platinum Rule... 505 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:57,704 If everyone in the world 506 00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,339 followed every one of your rules, 507 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,374 the human race would cease to exist. 508 00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,644 Yes, chances are Stella and I are not 509 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,513 going to live happily ever after. 510 00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,515 The overwhelming odds have it ending badly. 511 00:19:08,548 --> 00:19:10,049 And when that happens, 512 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:12,352 it'll be for one of a million possible reasons. 513 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,053 But that doesn't mean I'm not gonna try. 514 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,722 And when it does fail, 515 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:19,659 so help me God, it's not gonna be because of some rule. 516 00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,129 P.S. 517 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,199 You just made my hair look awesome. 518 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:27,567 Good night. 519 00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:30,203 * 520 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,405 So Stella and I went on our date. 521 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:33,906 But here's the funny thing: 522 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:36,175 turns out, it wasn't actually a date. 523 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,312 So what do you mean "it wasn't a date"? 524 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,714 She thought we were seeing a movie just as friends. 525 00:19:41,748 --> 00:19:43,216 Why would she think that? 526 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,752 Did she see your tattoo and assume you were gay? 527 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,855 Apparently, there's a rule that says I can't date Stella. 528 00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:51,090 Exactly: the Platinum Rule. 529 00:19:51,123 --> 00:19:52,892 Stella reads my blog. 530 00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,495 No, this rule comes from the American Medical Association. 531 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,830 Doctors aren't legally allowed to date their patients. 532 00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,532 Oh, sorry, Ted. 533 00:19:59,566 --> 00:20:00,600 Eh, it's okay. 534 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:03,169 What are you guys watching? 535 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,204 So that was the end of the story 536 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,940 between me and Stella, at least for the time being. 537 00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,777 But I don't know, looking back on the Platinum Rule, 538 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,345 I think there's a ninth step. 539 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,247 We'll call it Coexistence. 540 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:16,616 It's the moment you realize that all that anger 541 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,451 and resentment just isn't useful. 542 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,019 Thanks for watching. 543 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,889 Good night. * 544 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,891 And you start to let go of it. 545 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,593 Hey, guys. 546 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,795 So what do you guys have going on tonight? 547 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,463 We're going to have a few friends over. 548 00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,064 Gonna play some charades. 549 00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,533 Have fun. 550 00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:37,103 * 551 00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:38,871 And move on with your life. 552 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,573 It just takes a while. 553 00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:42,375 On the house. 554 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,776 Thanks. 555 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:50,149 Cuckoo!