1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:05,173 TED: Kids, back in 2007, it seemed like everyone belonged 2 00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,774 to these silly things called gyms. 3 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,177 The idea was you'd pay them lots of money 4 00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,878 to run around and lift heavy things. 5 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,746 Biggest rip-off in the world. 6 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,048 And yet people fell for it. 7 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:15,616 Including me. 8 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,185 Oh, forgot my wallet. 9 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,420 It started with one of those moments 10 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,988 when you realize you're not as in shape 11 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,623 as you want to be. 12 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:25,359 (panting): Whoo... 13 00:00:25,393 --> 00:00:27,428 That's further than it looks. 14 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,297 Aw, coupon's on my dresser. 15 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,532 That's too far. Forget it. 16 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,368 Please don't judge me. 17 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,971 I wound up shame-eating the whole pizza. 18 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:40,541 I woke up all greasy and sweaty. 19 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,677 My sheets looked like what they wrap deli sandwiches in. 20 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,147 Maybe I should join a gym. 21 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:47,681 Do you go to a gym? 22 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,651 Well, I go to Total Rip Fitness, but I don't work out there. 23 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:51,619 What do you do? 24 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,121 I invest. 25 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,989 There goes one of my investments now. 26 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,925 Cheryl, hard work's paying off. 27 00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,793 Keep up the good work. 28 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,730 So your investments are women? 29 00:01:02,763 --> 00:01:03,731 Yes. 30 00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:07,735 Women who, how shall I put this delicately? 31 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:09,002 They fat. 32 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:11,239 So, I come here, 33 00:01:11,272 --> 00:01:12,973 give them lots of attention now. 34 00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,809 Then when they get hot, who's the first guy they run to? 35 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:19,580 The one who invested in them when they weren't. 36 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,349 Wow, I can't decide if I'm thoroughly disgusted 37 00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:23,117 or really, really impressed. 38 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,619 Of course, not all investments pay dividends. 39 00:01:25,653 --> 00:01:28,589 See the girl over there at the vending machine-- Tonya. 40 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,625 She is one Kit Kat away from junk bond status. 41 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:33,927 Hey, Barney. 42 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,129 Becky, elliptical machine's 43 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,432 really working for you. Nice stuff. 44 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:42,236 That one's going to reward shareholders soon. 45 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:45,839 I foresee aggressive growth in my future. 46 00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:46,807 What up? 47 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,110 Wow, that makes me want to join a gym. 48 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,545 So I can get super strong 49 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:53,714 and punch you really hard in the face. 50 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:56,550 Yes, we should all do it. 51 00:01:56,584 --> 00:01:58,952 Yeah, let's all punch Barney in the face. 52 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,254 No, I'm serious. 53 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,055 We should totally join a gym. 54 00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,090 Come on, we put on 55 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,292 the beer weight together-- 56 00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,559 we might as well take it off together. 57 00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,395 Or we could just stop drinking beer. 58 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:11,232 No. I say we join a gym. 59 00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:13,867 Are you Marshall? Yeah. 60 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:15,002 Hi, I'm Trish. 61 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,170 I'm the trainer you signed up for. 62 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,205 Oh, hi. 63 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,906 Really great 64 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:20,574 to meet you, Trish. 65 00:02:20,608 --> 00:02:22,210 It's a pleasure. 66 00:02:22,243 --> 00:02:24,245 Marshall, can I talk to you for a second? 67 00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:25,246 Sure. Great. 68 00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:26,847 Just a second. 69 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:29,417 Yeah, sweetie, I think 70 00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:32,953 she maybe just a little too hot to be your trainer. 71 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:34,655 I get it. 72 00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:37,558 I mean, I see what you're worried about. 73 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,394 But this is just about me taking care of myself. 74 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:41,895 You'll always be my sugar. 75 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,266 So, Marshall, are you ready 76 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,834 to make a commitment to your body? 77 00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:49,770 Pssh! Please, I'm all about committing to my body. 78 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:52,039 I'll drive to Vermont and have a commitment ceremony 79 00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:53,507 to my body if you want. 80 00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,276 That was a weird thing to say. 81 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,978 All right. Start with 100 push-ups. 82 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,548 All right, cool. How many do you want me to do? 100. 83 00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:03,884 Oh, I thought that was a figure of speech-- 100 push-ups, 84 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:05,686 like do a bazillion push-ups. 85 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,987 No one can do 100. 86 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,490 Do you smell that? 87 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,858 No. 88 00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:12,626 It smells like there's a little bitch in my gym. 89 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:15,095 Are you being a little bitch in my gym? 90 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:16,497 No. 91 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,366 Then get on the floor and give me 100! 92 00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,034 You don't have to yell at me. 93 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,870 I love it here. 94 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,172 It's just normal women who want to get in shape. 95 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,776 I don't have to put on makeup, do my hair, 96 00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,278 wear some trendy outfit. 97 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,145 Yeah, this place is great. 98 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,514 We're meeting our friend Robin here. 99 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,215 I hope you don't hate her. She's pretty hot. 100 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,284 Shut up. 101 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:37,918 Lily, tell him to shut up. 102 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,921 I'm sorry, lesbian prison guard, do we know each other? 103 00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:44,625 Ted, Lily, you'll never believe what just happened. 104 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:45,926 Oh, hey, dude, I'm Barney. 105 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:50,063 So I was at the smoothie bar... 106 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,065 What can I get you? 107 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:55,703 Oh, my God, Rhonda? 108 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:56,970 It's Barney. 109 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,640 Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard. 110 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,942 Hey, Barney Stinson from Staten Island Boulevard. 111 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,312 What can I get you? 112 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,013 I can't believe she didn't remember me. 113 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,080 Why? Who is she? 114 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,516 That's Rhonda. 115 00:04:08,549 --> 00:04:12,486 I lost my virginity to her. 116 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,538 Baby, are you still sore? 117 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:33,273 Trish made me do 70 push-ups, 118 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,309 but she only gave me credit for ten. 119 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:37,611 The she had me do 100 sit-ups 120 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,881 and then she made me cry, using only her words. 121 00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,818 It just doesn't add up. 122 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,655 How could Rhonda not remember me? 123 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,390 Well, maybe it wasn't that good for her. 124 00:04:49,423 --> 00:04:50,958 I mean, it was your first time. 125 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:53,394 Ted, it's me. 126 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:54,628 I rocked her world. 127 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,831 You don't believe me? Okay, story time. 128 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,667 The year was 1998. 129 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,936 I'd been going out with Shannon since freshman year of college. 130 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,171 We were saving ourselves. 131 00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,439 So when we broke up 132 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:08,108 there I was, 23 and still a virgin. 133 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,309 I knew nothing about girls. 134 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:10,844 So I went to the guy 135 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,382 who knew everything about girls-- my brother James. 136 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,450 Wait, your gay brother James? 137 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,419 Yeah, this was before he was gay. 138 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:20,721 (sportscast playing on TV) 139 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,656 (sobbing) 140 00:05:25,926 --> 00:05:27,828 (blubbering) 141 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,762 Barney... 142 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,465 Barney, you need to find a girl 143 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,601 and have sex with her ASAP. 144 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,669 That is what dudes do after a breakup. 145 00:05:35,703 --> 00:05:40,240 I know. I want to, but... I guess I'm just scared. 146 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,875 Of course you're scared. 147 00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,276 It's gross. 148 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,579 The thought of doing that with a woman... 149 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,748 But it's part of being a guy. 150 00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:48,949 Try thinking about baseball. 151 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:52,252 Somehow I imagine those players on the field 152 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,254 and it's over a lot faster. 153 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:58,492 But I don't know the first thing about seducing a woman. 154 00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,994 What do you...? How do you...? 155 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,195 Where do you...? 156 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:03,831 Stop. Don't overthink it. 157 00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:05,466 You don't want to get the yips. 158 00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:06,700 The yips? 159 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,437 Yeah, when you overthink simple things so much 160 00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,038 that you can't do them at all. 161 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:13,306 The yips. 162 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:15,075 Yeah, it happens to athletes all the time. 163 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:17,545 Like the second baseman who suddenly can't throw to first 164 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:20,481 or the figure skater who does a perfect tripe toe loop 165 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,416 and then loses it on the arabesque. 166 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,585 I've actually really been getting into 167 00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,820 figure skating lately. 168 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:29,423 But, James... 169 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,825 what woman's going to have sex with me? 170 00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,994 It's not like I'm a Backstreet Boy. 171 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:37,264 The Man Maker. 172 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:39,667 BARNEY: Rhonda "Man Maker" French 173 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:41,401 was our mom's friend from down the street. 174 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:42,703 Got any kings? 175 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,572 Go fish. 176 00:06:44,605 --> 00:06:47,908 So, Patty, know that new paperboy? 177 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,645 I let him throw one into my hedges, if you know what I mean. 178 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,748 Did you see that new guy who cleans my pool? 179 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:58,886 I let him snake my drain, if you know what I mean. 180 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:01,522 You know that Chinese food delivery boy? 181 00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:03,457 I had sex with him. 182 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,693 I don't have a funny way of saying it yet. 183 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:09,262 It just happened 20 minutes ago. 184 00:07:09,296 --> 00:07:11,131 Of course. 185 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:12,399 The Man Maker. 186 00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:14,401 And it'll be easier too, 187 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,903 'cause she knows me so well. 188 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,204 Hi, Barry. 189 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,572 Barney. 190 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,840 Hi, Ms. French. 191 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,709 I know we haven't seen each other for a while, 192 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,076 but if there was any chance... 193 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,778 Oh, boy. 194 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:30,551 Wow, you just rocked my world. 195 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:33,687 That was the best sex I ever had. 196 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:38,692 BARNEY: That was the night I was born. 197 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:42,830 I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom 198 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,565 and strode into the world, 199 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:45,599 Armani clad 200 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:48,869 and fully awesome. 201 00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:51,572 (groans): God, please let me stop! 202 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,340 Yes, great, let's stop. 203 00:07:53,373 --> 00:07:55,142 Let's just kick back and wait for the massive coronary 204 00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,677 you're going to have a couple years from now 205 00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:57,878 when you're 40. 206 00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,813 I'm... I'm 29. 207 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,249 50 more! 208 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:04,618 LILY: Hi, sweetie. 209 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,419 I got a trainer, too. 210 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,621 This is Max. 211 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:09,356 We're going to focus on flexibility. 212 00:08:09,389 --> 00:08:11,258 Yeah, I'm gonna stretch her out. 213 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,493 Great... Wait, what? 214 00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,863 50 more, now! 215 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,466 (Marshall grunting) 216 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,034 Huh? 217 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:26,039 (Marshall groaning) 218 00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:27,240 Hey... 219 00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:34,214 Okay, well, that's not cool. 220 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:38,318 You know, Rhonda, 221 00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,553 running into you 222 00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,822 really got me thinking about the old days. 223 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:42,890 You were quite popular. 224 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:45,325 I sure got around back then. 225 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:51,231 And there was one young man who stood out above the pack. 226 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:52,800 Freddy Chibatoni. 227 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,935 That kid had a tongue like a gecko. 228 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:59,139 No, no, I was thinking about someone else. 229 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,273 Chaz Alderman. 230 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,576 Hips like a woman, but he knew how to use them. 231 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,344 What about me?! 232 00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:05,545 You? 233 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,715 Yes. We slept together. 234 00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:10,483 And you said I was the best you ever had. 235 00:09:10,517 --> 00:09:12,485 Did I? 236 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:14,554 Oh, right. 237 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:16,657 About that... 238 00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,191 And tell him that 239 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,593 he's the best you ever had. 240 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,328 Oh, I don't know. 241 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,263 He's just a kid. 242 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:26,299 No he isn't. He's 23 and he is really hurting, Rhonda. 243 00:09:26,333 --> 00:09:27,434 Please. 244 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,337 Maybe we could make a deal. 245 00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,539 What? 246 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,074 I don't know... 247 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,944 Oh... (chuckles) 248 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,912 No, girl, I got a girlfriend. 249 00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,682 Yeah, yeah, yeah, hers is the only vagina for me. 250 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:43,651 Oh... I love it. 251 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:46,586 It... it isn't scary at all. 252 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:47,988 Well, too bad. 253 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:49,690 I guess your brother's going to stay a virgin. 254 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:52,325 (sputtering) 255 00:09:52,359 --> 00:09:53,761 (sighs) 256 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,864 Fine. 257 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:59,132 Reggie Jackson, Reggie Jackson, 258 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,033 Reggie Jackson... 259 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,602 But those compliments you gave me. 260 00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,837 (monotone): Wow... 261 00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,073 you just rocked my world. 262 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,342 That was the best sex I ever had. 263 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,480 But you said I rocked your world. 264 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,481 All subsequent 265 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,349 worlds that I rocked 266 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,886 were only so rocked because of the confidence I earned 267 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:21,021 from said first world rocking. 268 00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:23,691 Sorry, Barry. 269 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:26,126 It's Barney. 270 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:31,999 So I'm doing sit-ups 271 00:10:32,032 --> 00:10:33,333 and she says, "All right, Marshall, 272 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,668 just one more set." 273 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,870 So I summon all my strength and I do that set, 274 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,171 and then she says, 275 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,740 "Give me another set." 276 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,408 So I'm like, "Is this the last set?" 277 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:42,509 And she says yes. 278 00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,511 So I do that set and then she says, 279 00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:45,612 "Give me another set." 280 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,447 She lied to my face! 281 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,749 Everything hurts. 282 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:51,685 Baby, the whole point of working out 283 00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:52,920 is to feel better. 284 00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:54,554 This trainer is making you miserable. 285 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,156 You have to call her and quit. 286 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,558 I got to work through it. I got to finish what I started. 287 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,460 If you're too scared, I can call her. 288 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:01,862 Her number's on this card. 289 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,399 Hi. Is this Trish? 290 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,135 This is Marshall's wife. 291 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:11,338 Listen, we have a problem here and it's you. 292 00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:12,539 I don't know 293 00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:14,141 who the hell you think you are, 294 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,510 but from now on you don't tell Marshall what to do. 295 00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:19,312 You are an employee. 296 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,114 We tell you what to do. 297 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:24,151 And I'm telling you you're fired, bitch. 298 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:29,122 Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay, bye. 299 00:11:29,156 --> 00:11:30,523 You better get down there, baby. 300 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,492 She's pretty pissed. 301 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,827 Hey, buddy. 302 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,328 Still bummed about the whole Rhonda thing? 303 00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:39,833 No. Why would I let the approval of one woman define who I am? 304 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,568 That's very mature of you, Barney. 305 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,602 Let him finish. 306 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,337 When I can let the approval 307 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,505 of a gaggle of supermodels 308 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:48,441 define who I am. What? What? 309 00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,977 Three tickets to the after party 310 00:11:50,010 --> 00:11:52,679 of the Victoria's Secret fashion show? 311 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,847 Uh, kablammie! 312 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:56,149 Lily, um, could I go? 313 00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:59,052 Go. You're too sore to do anything anyway. 314 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:09,329 Oh... wow. 315 00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:15,568 Okay, this, boys, is not a regular season game. 316 00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,238 This is the World Series. 317 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:21,842 So remember, we work together. We're a team. 318 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,977 And if anyone sees Heidi Klum-- dibs. 319 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:30,117 Target acquired. Dig deep. Mm-hmm! 320 00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:31,651 TED: Excuse me. Excuse me. 321 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:34,687 Hey, it's a nice party, huh? 322 00:12:34,721 --> 00:12:35,856 Yeah, it's great. 323 00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:37,958 Do you guys work for the company? 324 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:40,360 Yeah, it's called 325 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,530 "I'm Gonna Get In Your Panties, Incorporated." 326 00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:44,531 Gross! 327 00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:48,902 Dude! 328 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,703 I don't know. That was terrible. 329 00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,172 I am so sorry. 330 00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:54,007 Wait a minute. It's okay. It's okay. It's fine. 331 00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,308 It's a numbers game. I'm cool. 332 00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:58,511 Model... model. 333 00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,881 Uh... hi. 334 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,215 I know, right? 335 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:06,386 This party is legend. Wait for it... 336 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,326 Uh, how long do we have to wait for it? 337 00:13:15,628 --> 00:13:18,565 I think he's having a stroke. 338 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,236 What is the matter with me? I don't know. 339 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,738 Wait, wait, wait-- you don't think I have the yips, do ya? 340 00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:27,941 No, no, no, relax. 341 00:13:27,975 --> 00:13:29,276 There's Alessandra Ambrosio. 342 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,311 English is her second language. 343 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,180 Even if you screw up, you'll never know. 344 00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:34,781 Come on. 345 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,149 Hi. 346 00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,184 Hi. 347 00:13:37,217 --> 00:13:40,287 Those are very nice honkers. 348 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:44,824 Honkers? I don't know this word. 349 00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:46,326 Do you want to go dance? 350 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,395 I'm talking about those things. 351 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,863 Ah-ooga! 352 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,398 Ah-ooga! 353 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,465 Ew! 354 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,637 Oh, no, I can't have the yips. I can't have the yips, 355 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:58,972 not here. Not now. 356 00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:02,275 This is me. It's Barney, Barney! 357 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,443 Heidi Klum! 358 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,013 This is perfect. I can do this. I can do this. 359 00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:08,882 But thanks for coming. 360 00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,850 Thanks for coming. Heidi Klum, I'm Barney. 361 00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,852 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 362 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,455 Goobidy, goobidy, goobidy, goobidy. 363 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,491 Whoa. 364 00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,093 Is he okay? 365 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,929 Uh, he has the yips. 366 00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,897 Hasn't been able to hit on a woman all night. 367 00:14:23,931 --> 00:14:25,298 He has the yips? 368 00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:27,234 Ooh, that's bad. 369 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:31,804 You know, in Germany, we call this (speaks German phrase). 370 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:33,406 Whoa, that is bad. 371 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,775 I don't know what's happened to me. 372 00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,210 I've, I've totally lost my confidence. 373 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,546 Aw... 374 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,015 Barney, maybe you have to open up to somebody. 375 00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,251 Maybe you have to open up to some... 376 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:47,187 He just found out that the woman he lost his virginity to 377 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,989 only did it because his brother bribed her. 378 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,791 Ooh, that's a rough one. 379 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,461 I mean, the only thing I can think of 380 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:58,231 to get rid of (speaks German phrase) 381 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:01,068 is you have to go out there. 382 00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:03,336 And you need to find that woman. 383 00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:06,239 And you need to earn it with her for real. 384 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:09,242 That is the only way how you can find yourself. 385 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,880 I see little hamburgers! 386 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,483 I love little hamburgers. 387 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,985 Auf wiedersehen. 388 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,052 Wow! Yeah. 389 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,921 I just made out with Heidi Klum. 390 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,456 What? 391 00:15:23,490 --> 00:15:27,260 Ted, just... okay? 392 00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:30,297 (knocking) 393 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,732 Come in. 394 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:34,034 Hi, Rhonda. 395 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,936 Hi, kiddo. Surprised to see you here. 396 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:42,475 So, hey, uh, maybe how about sex? 397 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,244 Let's sex. 398 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:47,214 What are you talking about? I'm watching Wheel of Fortune. 399 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,050 You can keep watching. I'll face you toward the TV. 400 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:51,784 That's a cute idea, kid. 401 00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:52,785 Great. 402 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,721 No, I'm not having sex with you. 403 00:15:54,754 --> 00:15:55,888 Sit down a minute. 404 00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,491 I'm not the Man Maker anymore. 405 00:15:58,525 --> 00:15:59,792 You know what? 406 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,761 About five years ago, 407 00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:05,032 I realized there was an emptiness inside of me 408 00:16:05,065 --> 00:16:07,667 that no amount of meaningless sex could fill. 409 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,269 I needed something more. 410 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:13,440 And that's when I discovered Indian casinos. 411 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:18,511 Hey, Barney, 412 00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,913 it's weird not seeing you in a suit. What's going on? 413 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:24,651 Uh, not much. My entire sexual history 414 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:28,521 was built on a rotting foundation of lies. 415 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:32,759 My whole identity is lost in a pit of menthol ashes. 416 00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,227 Work is good. 417 00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,630 (guy slaps his back, Marshall groans) 418 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,501 I'm never going back to that gym again. 419 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,402 (groans) 420 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:44,471 Today at work, I had to have an intern 421 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:47,374 rip up my bagel and put little pieces in my mouth. 422 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:49,976 Yeah, I'm done there, too. 423 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,111 That place is horrible. 424 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:53,913 What about your big muscular trainer 425 00:16:53,946 --> 00:16:56,116 who's so into stretching you out? 426 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,185 Yeah, well, turns out 427 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:02,455 that guy had no affiliation with the gym whatsoever. 428 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,824 Come on, guys, don't give up on the gym. 429 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,226 It's been great for us. 430 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:10,197 Like today, Robin and I had a really nice moment. 431 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,533 (loud groaning): Oh, God! Oh... Yahhh! 432 00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:16,669 (grunting) 433 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,746 Robin, hey, I just wanted 434 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,981 to come over and thank you. 435 00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:30,717 Thank me for what? 436 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:33,953 Well, you know how it's hard for exes to be friends 437 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:36,389 because there's this lingering sexual tension between them? 438 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,392 Gone. Thank you. 439 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,595 (laughs) 440 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,397 You know, for all the crap you've given me, 441 00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:46,233 I haven't seen you work up a sweat there once. 442 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:47,567 It's not true. I was there today. 443 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,935 Yeah, but didn't you leave early? 444 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:52,839 (music playing in headphones) 445 00:17:52,872 --> 00:17:54,707 (music stops) 446 00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:58,478 Oh, great. 447 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,314 Now I got to go home and charge this. 448 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,983 Wait a minute. 449 00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:06,186 You didn't work out Tuesday either. 450 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,621 Brought the wrong shorts. 451 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:13,560 Yeah, and you totally disappeared on Monday, too. 452 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,329 No, I was at the gym the whole time. 453 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:21,134 Ooh! Oh, I love this gym. 454 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:25,272 Lily, help me bend down these three fingers. 455 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,974 Actually, I have an idea. 456 00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:31,344 Do it! Come on! Do it, you worthless piece of crap! 457 00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:33,580 Please! Please, I just want to go home. 458 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,948 Come on. This is your last set! 459 00:18:35,982 --> 00:18:39,452 (sobbing): You said that last time! 460 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,390 Gone. 461 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,030 Hey. 462 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,599 Rhonda. 463 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:55,101 I saw your friend Ted at the gym. 464 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:59,339 After he puked and cleared the line at the smoothie bar, 465 00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:02,575 he said you were kinda having a tough time. 466 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:06,946 Did you change your mind about having love, making sex, 467 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,148 penis vagina? 468 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,517 What is the matter with me? 469 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:11,351 Oh, honey... 470 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:12,785 I just, I don't get it. 471 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,254 You slept with so many guys. 472 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,522 You slept with my brother. 473 00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,724 We are practically the same person. 474 00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,959 Was I really so bad? 475 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,995 Nobody's good the first time. 476 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:27,300 But I was. At least I thought I was. 477 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:31,504 Oh, Barney, you know... sex isn't everything. 478 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,707 When is the last time you had a conversation 479 00:19:34,741 --> 00:19:37,344 with a woman with no intention of scoring with her? 480 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,449 I sat next to former Secretary of State 481 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,252 Madeleine Albright at a benefit once. 482 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:48,455 I certainly didn't intend to hit that. 483 00:19:48,488 --> 00:19:51,558 Yeah, well, I tell you what. 484 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,327 Sleeping with me again isn't gonna solve anything. 485 00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:57,297 I don't know what else is. 486 00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,167 I think I know. 487 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,736 Do you have any kings? 488 00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,238 No, go fish. 489 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:08,808 See, Barney, isn't it nice to just sit 490 00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:12,178 and have a evening with a woman, no agenda? 491 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:14,747 Just make nice conversation? 492 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,684 No. 493 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,652 Yeah, kinda sucks, doesn't it? 494 00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:25,992 Oh, my God, Barney, you really did just rock my world. 495 00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:28,295 That was amazing. 496 00:20:28,328 --> 00:20:29,962 And I'm not lying. 497 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,164 I know you're not lying, baby. 498 00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,633 And it was good for you? 499 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:37,304 It was the best sex I've ever had. 500 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,739 (yawns) Later. 501 00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:44,944 Daddy's back. 502 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,750 Hey, buddy, how's it going? 503 00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,784 Hey. Pretty good. 504 00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:53,520 Pretty good. Ooh! 505 00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:57,724 I can move my legs now and I can lift my arms this high. 506 00:20:57,757 --> 00:20:58,825 Oh! Oh! 507 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:01,694 Yeah, you know, I feel like I have more energy. 508 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:04,764 Yeah, it was hard at first, but now if I go a day 509 00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:07,199 without working out, I miss it. 510 00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,267 I'm proud of us, guys. 511 00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,502 The first week is the hardest. 512 00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:10,870 We're over the hump. 513 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,972 Joining that gym was the best decision we ever made. 514 00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,342 And we never went back to the gym again.