1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,838 TED: Kids, the early bloom of a romance is a wonderful thing. 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,509 You meet someone, you have a connection, and that person 3 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:10,544 becomes sheer perfection in your eyes. 4 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,281 You just can't find anything wrong with them. 5 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,416 You can't wait to tell the world about it. 6 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:17,051 She convinced you to go jogging? 7 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:19,953 Wow, you really want to get in this girl's pants. 8 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,822 I'm telling you, you guys are gonna love her. 9 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,057 Lily, she knows all about art. 10 00:00:23,124 --> 00:00:24,125 Marshall, 11 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,826 she's open to the existence of UFOs. 12 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:27,095 Barney, 13 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:28,329 she's hot. Robin, 14 00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,930 she's not hotter than you. 15 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:33,334 Like her already. How not hotter? 16 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,603 So we all went out to dinner, and I couldn't wait 17 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,272 to see if my friends were as crazy about Cathy as I was. 18 00:00:38,339 --> 00:00:40,040 So, what's everyone getting? 19 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:42,210 Well, I can't decide. 20 00:00:42,276 --> 00:00:44,278 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 21 00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:47,415 Lasagna. Just get the lasagna! 22 00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:50,118 Oh. You guys just got a new place. 23 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:51,819 How many bedrooms is it? 24 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,122 Two. It's two bedrooms! 25 00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,227 Okay! Let's hear it. 26 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,494 What's wrong with Cathy? 27 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,264 Are you kidding me, Ted? She's got a... 28 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:05,099 You don't notice it? 29 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,167 Notice what? 30 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,701 Oh, he doesn't see it. 31 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,538 If we point it out, we're gonna ruin her for him. 32 00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:11,472 As his friends, 33 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:13,674 we'll just keep him in the dark. 34 00:01:13,741 --> 00:01:14,242 You're right. 35 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,444 She's great, man. 36 00:01:17,211 --> 00:01:18,912 She's a keeper. Just... 37 00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,047 keep her somewhere else. 38 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,515 (giggling) 39 00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,432 Marshall, what is everyone's problem with Cathy? 40 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:39,900 Oh, she's a total nightmare, Ted, 41 00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:40,901 but can we talk about this later? 42 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:42,136 I'm a minute away 43 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,305 from finding out if I'm gonna be a lawyer or not. 44 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,539 You see, kids, during the summer, 45 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:47,441 Marshall had taken the New York Bar exam. 46 00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:50,578 His years of school, his countless hours of study, 47 00:01:50,644 --> 00:01:53,614 had finally culminated in this grueling, two-day ordeal. 48 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,883 And... begin. 49 00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:58,986 (vomiting) 50 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:00,688 The pressure of it was enormous. 51 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,724 Every year, people taking the bar simply cracked. 52 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,059 No! No! 53 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,228 No! 54 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:11,465 (shrieking): No! 55 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,867 But Marshall had made it through. 56 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:14,868 And... 57 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,337 time. 58 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,845 Time's up. 59 00:02:24,912 --> 00:02:25,913 Right. 60 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:26,747 Time. 61 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:28,916 Sir. I know. 62 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,651 Your time is... I know it is. 63 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:31,619 Give me...! 64 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,890 Now, months later, the results of that exam were scheduled 65 00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,959 to post online at 10:00, 66 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,294 and it was 9:59. 67 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,629 Damn, they're not up yet. 68 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:44,432 Oh, don't worry, baby. I'm sure you rocked it. 69 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:46,500 I mean, how many people fail the bar? 70 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,201 Half. 71 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:48,502 Oh, my God, half? 72 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,871 Only half the people pass? 73 00:02:50,938 --> 00:02:52,072 I mean, half the people pass. 74 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,040 That's fantastic. 75 00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,208 Go, Marshall. 76 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:55,709 Oh, hey, can I jump on there? 77 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,945 I want to show you something awesome. What? 78 00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,980 No. Bar results. My future. 79 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,482 Trust me. You need to see this. 80 00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:04,051 What is so important that I need to see it right now? 81 00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:07,655 It's a video of a dog pooping on a baby. 82 00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:11,325 How do I need to see that? 83 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,093 Why would I want to see that? 84 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:17,765 In what possible way could subjecting my eyes and my brain 85 00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:19,967 to something that disgusting enrich my life? 86 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:24,338 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 87 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,773 Get away from my computer. 88 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:29,310 Okay, just do a quick Google search for "caca spaniel." 89 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:30,311 The results are in. 90 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,045 Whoo. What's it say? 91 00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:33,981 "Input password." 92 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,883 ALL: Input the password. 93 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,118 It's okay. They assigned it to me when I took the test. 94 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,053 It's gotta be around here somewhere. 95 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,989 Here. Here-here-here. 96 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,191 Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snaps... 97 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,926 This is a grocery list. 98 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:49,229 For who? A witch building a house in the forest? 99 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,265 Sugar helps me study. 100 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,701 This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does 101 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,703 when his parents leave him alone for the weekend. 102 00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,306 What parent leaves a ten- year-old alone for the weekend? 103 00:03:58,372 --> 00:04:00,574 And your mom was perfect. 104 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,810 I can't find my password! Okay, just... 105 00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:04,712 can't you let 'em know that you lost it 106 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,380 and they'll e-mail it to you or something? 107 00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,248 No! They won't let me do that. 108 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:09,983 I'm gonna have to wait till the results come 109 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,151 in the regular mail. 110 00:04:11,218 --> 00:04:12,520 That could be weeks from now, if ever! 111 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,455 Our mail carrier hates me ever since I asked her 112 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:15,456 when the baby was due. 113 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:16,824 She wasn't pregnant? 114 00:04:16,890 --> 00:04:18,392 No, he was not. 115 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:20,328 Ooh. Okay, well, that's a drag, 116 00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,562 but the results will come eventually. 117 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,731 Just try to keep it off your mind until then. 118 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,867 (phone ringing) 119 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,168 Hey, Brad. 120 00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,471 Oh, congratulations, man. 121 00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:33,341 I'm, uh... I'm not sure yet. 122 00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,809 I lost my password. 123 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,145 That's great, Cara. 124 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,414 I don't know yet. I lost my password. 125 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,916 I don't know how I lost it! 126 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:44,151 This stuff happens! 127 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:47,488 Oh. Ohh! You're one to talk. 128 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:50,624 You misplace stuff all the time. 129 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,025 I'm sorry. 130 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:55,363 I'm sure the nurses are stealing your medicine, Grandma. 131 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:57,831 Love you, too. 132 00:04:57,898 --> 00:05:00,634 If I have to wait six weeks to find out if I passed, 133 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:02,169 I-I'm gonna have a heart attack. 134 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:06,273 Based on that grocery list, I'd say diabetes is a bigger worry. 135 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,775 You know what? Laugh all you want. 136 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,743 This affects my whole future, all right? 137 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:10,744 (laughing) 138 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,779 Okay. 139 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,414 I probably shouldn't be telling you this. 140 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:14,815 I definitely shouldn't be telling you this, 141 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,217 but there is a way I can help you with your problem. 142 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,752 How? 143 00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:21,288 I know a guy at work. 144 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:25,359 He can get access to software designed to penetrate firewalls 145 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,428 and retrieve passwords through secure servers. 146 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:29,497 I can get into any computer. 147 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,199 So what do we do? Like, arrange a secret meeting 148 00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,867 in a darkened parking structure? 149 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,135 No. 150 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:35,869 Can we? 151 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:36,904 No. 152 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:37,838 I have a trench coat. 153 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:38,872 Dude, be cool. 154 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,414 So, I just got off the phone with Cathy. 155 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,015 God, you guys are so right. 156 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,617 I totally hear it now. 157 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:51,685 See it now? 158 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,587 Smell it? 159 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:55,723 What is it?! 160 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,324 I left the table for two minutes. 161 00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,559 What could she have possibly done 162 00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,561 in that time that was so horrible? Was it... 163 00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:02,129 I'll be back in one second. 164 00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:07,234 One time, in the tenth grade, as a joke, I told everyone 165 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:10,738 that my English teacher had sex with me. 166 00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,305 (Cathy laughs) 167 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,741 He's still in jail. 168 00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:15,576 Or maybe... 169 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,578 I'll be back in a second. 170 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,114 So I volunteer at the pound. 171 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:22,883 Oh, isn't that nice? 172 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,786 Yeah. You can't imagine the rush you get 173 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,855 from killing an unwanted puppy. 174 00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,559 I make bracelets out of the collars. 175 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:33,461 Or... 176 00:06:33,527 --> 00:06:35,028 I'll be back in one second. 177 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,567 I bet he's going to the urinal. 178 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,802 Yeah. 179 00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,671 I remember when I had a penis. 180 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:48,008 It wasn't anything she did while you were in the bathroom. 181 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:49,877 It's just the way she is. 182 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,679 I don't get it. 183 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,180 If it's so obvious and you guys all see it, 184 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,582 how come I don't? 185 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,450 'Cause we're not trying to have sex with her. 186 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:57,718 Mmm. Brother, 187 00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,820 you're driving the "I want to have sex with her" truck, 188 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,055 and it's got a huge blind spot. 189 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,991 That's ridiculous. 190 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,659 Is it really? 191 00:07:05,726 --> 00:07:07,861 Ted, let me tell you a little story 192 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:11,031 about a young lady I wanted to have sex with-- Lucilia. 193 00:07:12,365 --> 00:07:14,868 On a white sand beach in Rio de Janeiro, 194 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,939 we made love for ten straight hours. 195 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,207 When we were done, 196 00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:21,809 she applauded 197 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:24,878 and told me I was far, far better 198 00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,881 than the best lover she could possibly imagine, 199 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:32,553 and that I had restored her faith in God. 200 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,355 What does this have to do with Cathy? 201 00:07:35,422 --> 00:07:37,057 Who's Cathy? 202 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,527 Just tell me what the hell 203 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,061 is wrong with her already. 204 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,196 Okay. You want to know? 205 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,264 Yes. 206 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:45,599 You want to shatter 207 00:07:45,666 --> 00:07:47,367 this beautiful illusion you've created for yourself? 208 00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,202 Fine. Here it is. 209 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:54,474 Cathy talks... a lot. 210 00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,477 Oh, come on. 211 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:58,612 That's not true. 212 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,282 Ted. Really, really think about that dinner 213 00:08:02,349 --> 00:08:03,450 we all just had together. 214 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:04,852 And I did. 215 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,020 So, what's everyone getting? 216 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,989 Well, I can't decide. 217 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,224 Which sounds better, chicken or lasagna? 218 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,325 I like chicken. 219 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,594 I like lasagna. I like them both, 220 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:14,695 but I really like pork. 221 00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:15,829 A lot of people don't 222 00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,030 eat pork, and maybe it's because 223 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,331 of that movie Babe or something. 224 00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,432 But that was funny. 225 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,467 He was a talking pig 226 00:08:20,534 --> 00:08:21,535 and he was like "Bah, Ram, Ewe!" 227 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:22,670 What-what if 228 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,271 there was a sorority, "Bah, Ram, Ewe?" 229 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,372 I'd totally rush it. 230 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:28,308 ...And so I named him Dr. Seuss! 231 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,877 Lorax is a funny word. 232 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,580 Lasagna! Just get the lasagna! 233 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,282 Oh, you guys just got a new place. 234 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,116 How many bedrooms 235 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:36,850 is it? 236 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:37,685 I would love 237 00:08:37,751 --> 00:08:38,886 to have an extra bedroom, 238 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:40,153 because I would put a Stairmaster in there. 239 00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,289 But you guts should get a convertible sofa. 240 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,557 Or a futon. Futons are great. 241 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:44,558 Or what about one of those 242 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:45,458 Murphy beds? 243 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:46,459 Who invented the Murphy bed? 244 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,427 Was it a guy named Murphy? 245 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:48,662 Oh, my God. 246 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,330 Do you guys remember that show Murphy Brown? 247 00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:51,665 That was a funny show. 248 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,500 She had a new assistant every episode. 249 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,968 ...and it was like half an hour 250 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,170 before I realized he wasn't even on the phone anymore! 251 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,206 Isn't that hysterical? 252 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:01,241 Two! It's two bedrooms! 253 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:04,244 Hey, do you guys like cannolis? 254 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,246 Because I know this place and it's in the South Bronx 255 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,414 and you wouldn't expect it, 256 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,316 but they have the best cannolis in town. 257 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,651 (glass shattering) 258 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:13,020 And just like that, the illusion was shattered. 259 00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,387 Wow. 260 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,591 She just never shuts up, does she? 261 00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,226 She didn't stop 262 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,761 to swallow her food. 263 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:21,929 I was scared for her. 264 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,631 I didn't want her to choke. 265 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,098 At first. 266 00:09:30,137 --> 00:09:32,706 So kids, this girl I was dating would not stop talking. 267 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:34,775 Can you imagine how awful that is? 268 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,911 (chattering) 269 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,381 Do you own a wok? 270 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,684 'Cause that's really how... 271 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:46,419 Don't you just love autumn? 272 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:47,921 Today I'm dressed for... 273 00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:50,624 Oh, my God. The sweetest thing. 274 00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:53,393 And I know this great place where we can go. 275 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,028 They have guys and girls clothes. 276 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,797 We could both shop at the same time. 277 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,866 And a lot of times boyfriends and girlfriends... 278 00:09:58,932 --> 00:09:59,800 Hey! 279 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,334 Why are you running so fast? 280 00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:04,972 Well, thank you, pal. 281 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,740 You and your little friends, 282 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,008 you just had to tell me. 283 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:10,410 You just had to give in to my incessant begging. 284 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,712 You said that you wanted to know. 285 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,580 I didn't want to know! 286 00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,248 You said you wanted to know! 287 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,584 Well, I didn't know I didn't want to know! 288 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,687 You knew. And you know me. 289 00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:22,222 And you should have known I didn't want to know! 290 00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,257 You know? 291 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:26,059 I'm sorry we told you. 292 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,128 I'm surprised she didn't tell you herself at some point. 293 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,697 There's only a finite combination of words 294 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:30,831 in the English language. 295 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,566 Well, you could have let me enjoy it a little longer. 296 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,534 She's got all these 297 00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:35,936 other great qualities. 298 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,871 She's smart. She's caring. She loves animals... 299 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,673 You know how to teach her a lesson? 300 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,841 Buy her a parrot. 301 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:45,012 Oh, come on. I'm sorry that we told you, okay? 302 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:47,080 It's part of being in a relationship. 303 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:49,482 Eventually, you get used to these annoying little things 304 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:50,650 that bug you at first. 305 00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:52,452 Yeah, I guess. 306 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,988 I mean, you got used to Lily's loud chewing, right? 307 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,658 Lily doesn't chew loudly. 308 00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,694 Dude... 309 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,896 Come on. This isn't news. 310 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:04,732 Why do you think I call her "Chewbacca"? 311 00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,835 I assumed because she's loyal, wears shiny belts 312 00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:10,237 and I resemble a young Harrison Ford. 313 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:12,272 Think about it. 314 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,442 (crunching loudly) 315 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:22,315 (crunching loudly) 316 00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:34,227 (inhaling loudly) 317 00:11:40,167 --> 00:11:43,303 Oh, man, honestly, dude, that's the meanest thing 318 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,404 you've ever done to me. 319 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,239 I really thought you knew. 320 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,842 We had ribs the other night. It sounded like Jurassic Park. 321 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:51,244 Ha-ha-ha. You know what? 322 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,579 It doesn't matter. 323 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:53,646 But it did. 324 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:59,319 (crunching loudly) 325 00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:16,103 Say, what's in that cereal 326 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:19,539 besides dry twigs and small animal bones? 327 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,241 What's that supposed to mean? 328 00:12:21,308 --> 00:12:24,311 Lily, I love you, but honest to God, 329 00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:26,679 when you eat, it sounds like a garbage disposal 330 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:27,848 full of drywall screws. 331 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,483 What's the matter with you? 332 00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:32,853 We've been together ten years, and you're saying this now? 333 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:36,689 Well, I never noticed it before until... 334 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,225 Until what? 335 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,092 Can you believe Ted? 336 00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:42,595 What a lame thing to say, that I'm a loud chewer. 337 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,531 (crunching loudly) 338 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,200 Yeah, that's crazy. 339 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,371 Maybe enough with the pretzels. 340 00:12:51,438 --> 00:12:54,641 Oh, my God, do I really chew that loudly? 341 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:57,310 No, no, no. 342 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,180 Okay, now that you pointed it out, 343 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:04,117 maybe it does sound slightly like someone put 344 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,553 a screwdriver in a pencil sharpener, 345 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,754 but in a cute way. 346 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:10,757 This is all Ted's fault. 347 00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:13,460 Oh, like he's so perfect, Mr. Corrector. 348 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:14,427 What do you mean? 349 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,997 Oh, come on. You dated the guy for a year 350 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:19,566 and you never noticed that most of what Ted says 351 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,800 is correcting you. 352 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:23,871 Hey, can you hand me a Kleenex? 353 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,974 Actually, Kleenex is a brand. 354 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,808 This is a facial tissue. 355 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:33,113 Oh, my God, is Frankenstein gonna kill that little girl? 356 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,715 Uh, Dr. Frankenstein isn't in this scene. 357 00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:38,285 That's Frankenstein's monster. 358 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:43,556 (sighs) That literally blew my mind. 359 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,225 Figuratively. 360 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,293 (both sigh) 361 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,829 Oh, my God, you're right. 362 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:52,099 That is so annoying. 363 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,833 Isn't it? (crunching loudly) 364 00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,904 Where are those pretzels from, Ace Hardware? 365 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,012 Hey, man, 366 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,079 you like kettle corn? 367 00:14:06,146 --> 00:14:07,480 I'm trying to get rid of anything crunchy. 368 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:08,781 Are the blinds closed? 369 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,017 I don't know. 370 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,784 Are the blinds closed?! 371 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,687 Yes, the blinds are closed. 372 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,123 Good, I didn't think I was followed, 373 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:17,524 but you can never be too sure. 374 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:18,258 Now double-lock the door 375 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,127 and stay away from the windows. 376 00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:23,330 Is there a reason that you're acting like this? 377 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,798 We're about to find out if you're a lawyer. 378 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,101 Now, in good conscience, I have to inform you 379 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,269 that using this software 380 00:14:29,336 --> 00:14:31,004 is in violation of the Patriot Act, 381 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:33,440 the Strategic Defense Initiative, 382 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:37,277 and the National Security Act of 1948, which created the CIA. 383 00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,080 So I hope you passed the bar because 384 00:14:40,147 --> 00:14:43,750 if we use this software, the night janitor Gligor 385 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,086 who I fooled into putting fingerprints on my computer, 386 00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:48,621 is going to need a good lawyer. 387 00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,090 Are you certain you want to go through with this? 388 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:53,927 I have to know, yes, yes. 389 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,429 Very good. 390 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:59,166 First, we go to the New York State Bar Web site. 391 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:02,402 We disable the firewall, then the recursive algorithm 392 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:06,139 grabs your password, and as the application erases itself 393 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:09,342 leaving no trace we were here ever... 394 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,212 you ready to see your future, bro? 395 00:15:12,279 --> 00:15:13,413 Yes. 396 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:24,291 It's a dog pooping on a baby. 397 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,960 Right! Isn't that awesome? 398 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:28,261 So you went through all this just to get me 399 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,562 to look at your stupid video? 400 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:30,663 Yeah, it was worth it. 401 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:33,400 Barney, Barney, that was the biggest test of my life. 402 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,169 I'm incredibly stressed out right now, and I... 403 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,870 (dog barking, baby cooing) 404 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,939 Okay, that's pretty funny. 405 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:42,109 You got to see this. 406 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:47,214 Uh-huh, yeah, I have to... 407 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:50,150 She'll call back when she realizes I'm gone. 408 00:15:50,217 --> 00:15:52,285 Probably in about 45 minutes. 409 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:52,852 (both laugh) 410 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,222 Hey. Hi. 411 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,589 You guys want a drink? 412 00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,058 I'll just have a water. 413 00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,027 Mm, technically, water is a drink. 414 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:02,329 Really, Professor? 415 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,097 You drink it? Is that how water works? 416 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,033 Because I was just gonna smear it on my skin 417 00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,334 and hope that I absorbed it. 418 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,837 Or you could, you know, pour it over your shirt. 419 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:12,305 What's with you? 420 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,973 You're always correcting people. 421 00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:17,310 You totally do that! That's absolutely right. 422 00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:19,179 Right? I never noticed it before, 423 00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,947 and now it's literally driving me crazy. 424 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:22,782 Figuratively. 425 00:16:22,849 --> 00:16:24,817 Okay, maybe so, but it's no worse 426 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,786 than you using the word "literally" 427 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:27,820 in every other sentence. 428 00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,458 Don't they teach vocabulary in Canada? 429 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,827 They literally don't. They literally don't. 430 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,029 Shut up, Marshall. 431 00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:37,330 That's nothing compared 432 00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,432 to your thing of singing what you do all the time. 433 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:40,400 What? 434 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:44,437 * Paying my bills using return address labels * 435 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:50,643 * From a charity that I haven't given money to * 436 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:55,548 * Writing a check 'cause now I feel guilty * 437 00:16:55,615 --> 00:16:58,851 * The Salivation Army does not fight fair. * 438 00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:02,289 (crunching loudly) 439 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,692 * Heading down to the basement today * 440 00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:09,662 * With my laundry and a roll of quarters * 441 00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,533 * But I'm back too soon * 442 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:15,235 * 'Cause I left the detergent * 443 00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,470 * And the fabric softener * 444 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,575 Wow. Those lines are so sloppy. 445 00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:23,643 Oh, come on! 446 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,845 What about you, "Barney"? 447 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,581 Okay, you... 448 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:30,350 always... 449 00:17:30,417 --> 00:17:31,384 Interesting, interesting, 450 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,520 everyone has annoying habits but me. 451 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:36,223 Oh, got it. 452 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:41,194 Okay, you sometimes talk in a weird high-pitched voice. 453 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:46,566 And you're constantly using lame catchphrases. 454 00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,869 And sometimes you space out and don't even pay attention 455 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:51,238 to what we're talking about. 456 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,874 I'm sorry. What? 457 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,109 Oh, see? 458 00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:57,477 You can't think of anything 459 00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,712 (high-pitched): * 'Cause I'm awesome! * 460 00:17:59,779 --> 00:18:00,847 All three right there. 461 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:03,116 Well, technically, "awesome" wouldn't be a catchphrase. 462 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,484 If anything, it's more of a catchword. 463 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,086 I literally want to rip your head off. 464 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,289 You mean "figuratively"! 465 00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,225 No, I literally mean "literally." 466 00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:15,562 (crunching loudly) Literally, literally literally. 467 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:18,265 Oh, my God, Lily, what are you eating, gravel? 468 00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:19,499 Oh, I know, right? 469 00:18:19,566 --> 00:18:21,468 It sounds like cuff links going up a vacuum cleaner. 470 00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:23,336 Well, why don't you sing about it? 471 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,905 Because I don't sing about everything I do. 472 00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:29,276 No, no, sometimes you just sing nonsense sentences 473 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,577 like a stroke victim, 474 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,844 and what's worse, 475 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,180 they're catchy. 476 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:37,650 * Apple, orchard, banana, cat dance, 8663 * 477 00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,786 See? We know that one because once you sang that 478 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,889 for, like, three hours. What the hell is that? 479 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,358 That's my password. 480 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,862 AOBCD8663. 481 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,902 (baby crying) Oh, Marshall! Awesome! 482 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,437 There's another one. 483 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,572 It's called "Golden Reliever," where this dog... Yeah, 484 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:00,940 we can guess. All right, guys, 485 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:02,642 guys, guys. 486 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:08,047 I'm a lawyer. 487 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,317 (all cheering) 488 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,818 And just like that 489 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,621 we stopped fighting and celebrated Marshall's success. 490 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,923 You see, when someone's bad habits are pointed out to you, 491 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,391 it's hard to ignore them. 492 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,927 * I'm a lawyer now 'cause I passed the bar * 493 00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,930 * I'm imposing Marshall law on this champagne. * 494 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,265 (all laughing) 495 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,834 Are you literally on cloud nine right now? 496 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:29,802 Baby, you never have to take the bar again. 497 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,170 (crunches loudly) 498 00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:33,172 Actually, if he practices law in another state, 499 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:34,641 he will have to, 500 00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,675 but New York, man! 501 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,210 It's a great state to practice law in! 502 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,911 (high-pitched): Lawsuit up! 503 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:39,912 Yeah! Whoo! 504 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,214 Yeah! Yeah! 505 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,849 But if you love them enough, 506 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:45,352 those bad habits are easy to forget. 507 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,024 Three years later, I ran into Kathy, and she was doing well. 508 00:19:52,091 --> 00:19:53,493 Ted?! 509 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,229 Oh, my God, I haven't seen you in so long! 510 00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,597 How long has it been? Three years? No, four. 511 00:19:57,664 --> 00:19:59,031 No, three, 'cause I went blonde and then I went back 512 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,233 'cause I was having too much fun. 513 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,034 It's true what they say: blondes have more fun. 514 00:20:02,101 --> 00:20:04,003 Oh, my God, I'm being so rude. 515 00:20:04,070 --> 00:20:05,738 Ted, this is my fiancé. 516 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:06,739 Yes, I'm engaged. 517 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,641 Ted, this is Daniel. 518 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,517 You guys 519 00:20:17,584 --> 00:20:18,818 seem perfect for each other. 520 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:19,952 Oh, my God. 521 00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,488 I know, right? Totally, it was like love at first sight. 522 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,822 Hey, we should go out sometime. 523 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,824 Are you seeing anyone? Because we could double-date. 524 00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:25,792 Is that weird? No, it's not. 525 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,527 We can go have brunch. I know this place. 526 00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,028 Do you guys like popovers? Because I love popovers. 527 00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:30,597 They're like croissants, 528 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:32,465 but they're a little bit less flaky and they're kind of round. 529 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,667 Hey, they have strawberry jam.