1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,471 TED: Kids, everybody makes mistakes. 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:05,439 Take this girl Meg for instance. 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,476 She made a mistake, a mistake named Barney. 4 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:09,577 Yeah, 5 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,679 I thought I was gonna get married to my last boyfriend 6 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,915 but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues. 7 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:16,684 That whole relationship-- 8 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,687 that's three weeks of my life I'll never get back. 9 00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,923 Well, I love commitment. 10 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,958 I wish I could marry commitment. 11 00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,127 I met a girl 12 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,161 last night. Really? 13 00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:29,130 So perky and full of life 14 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,431 and not at all fake. 15 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:31,865 You're talking about her boobs, right? 16 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:33,267 Sí. 17 00:00:33,301 --> 00:00:35,069 And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. 18 00:00:35,103 --> 00:00:36,704 What up? 19 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:37,838 (bottles clinking) 20 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,673 So, these boobs... Hmm. 21 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,908 paint me a word picture. 22 00:00:40,941 --> 00:00:42,276 All right, Ted. 23 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:45,146 Imagine the heads of two Irish babies. Mmm. 24 00:00:45,179 --> 00:00:46,480 Let's call them... 25 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,549 (blubbering through lips): and... 26 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,251 Please stop! 27 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:52,086 When you get married, 28 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,155 you start outgrowing certain parts of your life. 29 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:56,257 And for Lily and Marshall, those certain parts were, 30 00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,559 for the most part, me. 31 00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,727 (Lily/Ted scream) 32 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,329 Aaaaahh! 33 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,896 Why would you come in? 34 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,098 You heard me shaving! 35 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,933 I thought you were shaving your face! 36 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,835 Well, clearly I wasn't! 37 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,204 Oh! No, no! 38 00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:11,472 Pay up! Ugh! 39 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,340 Hussy! 40 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,474 Guys. Hussy? What? 41 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:14,708 Guys, 42 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:15,909 it's 3:00 in the morning 43 00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:16,944 and it reeks in here. 44 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,279 Ted said it was okay. 45 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:19,280 Ah, hey, Marshall. 46 00:01:19,313 --> 00:01:20,914 You're still up? 47 00:01:20,948 --> 00:01:22,283 Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow? 48 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:26,587 Discontent was bubbling under the surface, 49 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:27,521 until one day... 50 00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:28,189 Ted! 51 00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,257 How many times 52 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:31,159 have I asked you to put the lid 53 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,926 back on the peanut butter jar? 54 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:34,695 It's this sort of inconsiderate, 55 00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:37,231 immature jackassery that makes me feel 56 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,232 like I'm living 57 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,833 in the Real World house, 58 00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,002 and not the early years when they all had jobs 59 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,571 and social consciences. 60 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:44,705 I'm talking 61 00:01:44,738 --> 00:01:46,240 about Hawaii and after! 62 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,941 I can't take this anymore! 63 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,243 Ted, Lily and I 64 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,678 are married now! 65 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:51,545 It's time! 66 00:01:51,579 --> 00:01:54,182 We're getting our own place! 67 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:56,584 Actually, I left the lid off. 68 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,785 Sorry, baby. 69 00:01:57,818 --> 00:02:00,354 But still, it was time to move forward. 70 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,623 So, they set out to find a new apartment to rent. 71 00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,158 Hey, here's one. 72 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,394 Pre-war building, recently renovated, 73 00:02:06,427 --> 00:02:08,362 hardwood floors, tons of light, 74 00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:10,331 two bedroom, two bath. 75 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,965 Oh, yeah, but that one's not for rent. 76 00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:12,933 It's for sale. 77 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:14,468 Oh, right. 78 00:02:15,869 --> 00:02:17,671 Kids, your Uncle Marshall likes to say 79 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:20,241 that he made three big mistakes in his life. 80 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,375 This was the first. 81 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:23,477 Jump, you big chicken! 82 00:02:23,511 --> 00:02:24,678 Jump! You afraidy cat! 83 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,146 Jump! Jump! 84 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,181 This was the second. 85 00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:30,351 (screaming) No! 86 00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:32,186 And this was the third and biggest. 87 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,921 We should buy a place! 88 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:34,788 What? Baby, 89 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,157 real estate is always a good investment. 90 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,359 It's not. 91 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,261 And the market is really hot right now. 92 00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,395 It wasn't. 93 00:02:41,429 --> 00:02:42,730 And because of my new job, 94 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,998 we are in such a strong place financially. 95 00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:46,434 They weren't. 96 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:48,101 Because Lily had a secret... 97 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,270 Hi. 98 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,105 My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic. 99 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,974 Hi, Lily. 100 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,743 Oh, you guys don't do that here? 101 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,010 Sorry. 102 00:02:57,044 --> 00:02:59,280 Proceed. 103 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,982 I buy designer clothes and accessories 104 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:03,884 that I can't afford. 105 00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:06,920 I have 15 credit cards, and they're all maxed out. 106 00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,322 And no one 107 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:11,225 outside of this room, not even my husband, knows. 108 00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,926 And I, I feel terrible 109 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,529 because all I want to do right now is ask you 110 00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:16,997 where you got those shoes. 111 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,032 They're adorable. 112 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,034 We can't buy; we have debt. 113 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:22,236 Yeah, I know, 114 00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,837 my student loans are pretty big. 115 00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,105 I forgive you. 116 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:25,939 What? 117 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,207 Well... 118 00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,042 I'm just saying as your wife, you know, 119 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:32,179 I'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollars 120 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,248 on a brand name law school. 121 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:38,452 Because I know it makes you feel good and pretty. 122 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,888 Let's just go take a look at this place. 123 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,390 Where is it? 124 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,693 Uh, it's in a neighborhood called... 125 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:49,096 Dowisetrepla? 126 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,365 Dowisetrepla. 127 00:03:51,399 --> 00:03:54,535 Oh, I see, you're not New Yorkers. 128 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,504 Oh, actually we live on the Upper West Side, so... 129 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:57,805 No need to be embarrassed, listen, 130 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,473 here in New York we just shorten the names 131 00:03:59,507 --> 00:04:00,641 of all the neighborhoods, 132 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,344 SoHo, TriBeCa, Nolita-- 133 00:04:03,377 --> 00:04:04,745 Oh, right. 134 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:05,879 Dowisetrepla. 135 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:06,747 No, I'm, 136 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:07,615 I'm from New York. 137 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,016 I know this neighborhood. 138 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,718 I'm down with D-town. 139 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,820 Oh, well, nobody calls it D-town. 140 00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:13,921 Dowisetrepla 141 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,456 is th up-and-coming neighborhood. 142 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,325 And I have to tell you, for these prices, 143 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,826 you're not going to be able to find another... 144 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,629 I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there. 145 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,331 Don't bother with the hard sell. 146 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:25,366 This place is, is way out of our price range, 147 00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:27,501 and besides, we've only just started to looking. 148 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,470 Is what Marshall should have said. 149 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,839 I'm gonna stop you right there. 150 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,140 I love it! 151 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,742 Let's get it! 152 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,492 MARSHALL: Thank you, guys, for coming down here 153 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,527 so quickly. I've never been to this neighborhood. 154 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,863 Kind of thought this part of town was water. 155 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,898 No, dude. 156 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,333 This is Dowisetrepla. 157 00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,335 Dowisetrepla? Yeah. 158 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:02,836 Is that an abbreviation for something? 159 00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:03,904 (scoffs) 160 00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,907 He's from Ohio. 161 00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,342 Dowisetrepla is 162 00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:10,110 the up-and-coming neighborhood. Oh. 163 00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,512 I think this might be the place 164 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,447 where Lily and I start a family. 165 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:15,449 I can see it now. 166 00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,984 (harp strumming) 167 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,920 Two, three, four. 168 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:24,458 All right, bring it home, boys. 169 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,460 LILY: Sounds great, boys. 170 00:05:26,494 --> 00:05:29,730 Who wants chocolate pancakes? 171 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,732 Thanks, Mommy! 172 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,967 (drumroll) 173 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,235 Man, 174 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,471 life is gonna be sweet! 175 00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,573 Oh, my God, Lily, have you seen this kitchen? 176 00:05:39,607 --> 00:05:40,541 I know. It's... 177 00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,543 Isn't it amazing? 178 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,478 I just love it so... What the hell 179 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,579 are you doing? 180 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,414 You can't buy this place. 181 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:47,715 Lily, you have a debt 182 00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:49,282 the size of Mount Waddington! 183 00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:50,551 Waddington? 184 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,252 It's the tallest mountain in Canada. 185 00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:53,987 It's like 4,000 meters high. 186 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:54,755 Meters? 187 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:56,189 (sighs) Don't let Marshall 188 00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:57,558 fall in love with this apartment. 189 00:05:57,591 --> 00:05:59,259 I know, I know, I know, I know, 190 00:05:59,292 --> 00:06:00,928 but what do I tell him? 191 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,563 I-I don't know, tell him, um, 192 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,398 tell him you saw a ghost. Tell him it's haunted. 193 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,634 You really don't know Marshall at all. 194 00:06:08,469 --> 00:06:09,336 (clears throat) 195 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,204 So, uh, the owners, 196 00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,506 where are they? Oh. 197 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:13,607 They're on vacation in France 198 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:14,942 for two of weeks. I see. 199 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,710 Between you and me, 200 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:19,246 I'm also interested in the apartment. 201 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,214 So is there any way I could 202 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,583 come back later and check it out 203 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,117 while you're showing them other places? 204 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:25,953 The lockbox combination is 205 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:27,154 1421. 206 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,589 And here is my card. 207 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,527 Are you serious? 208 00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:34,562 You're trying to snake this apartment away 209 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,629 from Marshall and Lily? 210 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:38,799 Ted, do you think I have no morals whatsoever? 211 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,067 I simply want 212 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,102 to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment 213 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,337 so I can nail her once and never have to see her again. 214 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,306 I'm not a monster. 215 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,875 Now, listen, I don't want to put a lot 216 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,877 of pressure on you, but there is one other couple 217 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,745 that's expressed very serious interest. 218 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,448 I see what you're doing here. 219 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,883 "Another couple." 220 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,117 Please. 221 00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,553 That crap is page one out of the Realtor's playbook. 222 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,954 And we're not buying it. 223 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:03,190 Is what Marshall should have said. 224 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:04,758 Another couple? No! 225 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,560 We want it. Sell it to us. 226 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:08,295 We'll give you so much more money. 227 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:10,163 Oh, Marshall, can I talk to you? 228 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,634 Marshall, I just... 229 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,836 I don't know if now is the right time to buy. 230 00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,705 But we're not doing this for now, 231 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,640 we're doing this for our future. 232 00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,408 Can't you imagine 233 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,610 starting a family here? 234 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,545 (harp strumming) 235 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,880 Oh, Persephone! 236 00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:28,516 Oh, Daphne! 237 00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:29,883 These'll be a perfect additions 238 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,720 to our upcoming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met. 239 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,323 Looks great, girls. 240 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:38,358 Who wants crêpes au chocolat? 241 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,261 LILY/GIRLS: Merci, papa! 242 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,964 So... what do you guys think? 243 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,365 Oh... 244 00:07:45,398 --> 00:07:47,901 I love it, but Marshall, 245 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:50,871 I should have told you this a long time ago. 246 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,641 We can't afford to buy an apartment 247 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,544 because I have too much credit card debt. 248 00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,345 I am so sorry. 249 00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,147 Is what she should have said. 250 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,516 I love it. Let's get it. 251 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,351 Can we charge it? 252 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,786 To Lily and Marshall 253 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:07,821 and their momentous step forward into adulthood. 254 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,790 (glasses clinking) Cheers. 255 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,191 BARNEY/TED/ROBIN (chanting): Chug! Chug! Chug! 256 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:12,492 Chug! Chug! Chug! Drink it! 257 00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,294 Yes! Well done. Nice! Yeah! 258 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,729 Anything else? 259 00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:16,764 Yes. 260 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,499 I've been staring at that thing for years. 261 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:20,701 Wendy, 262 00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,571 bring me the comically large bottle of champagne 263 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:26,373 (all gasp) 264 00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:27,775 Really? Are you sure? 265 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,242 It's never been refrigerated. 266 00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:31,779 And I think at some point there was a fish in it. 267 00:08:31,812 --> 00:08:34,047 Honey, once you've made the sale, 268 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,248 stop sellin'. 269 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:38,218 All right, but you guys have to help me carry it. 270 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,252 All right, let's do it. 271 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,754 Let's do it. Let's go. Hmm. 272 00:08:40,788 --> 00:08:42,623 I know what you're thinking. 273 00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,224 I should tell Marshall the truth. 274 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,425 Hey, 275 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,860 I've got the whole thing figured out. 276 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,929 We'll apply for the loan under Marshall's name, 277 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:50,764 and he'll never need to know. 278 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:53,701 And then in the meantime, I'll slowly work down my debt. 279 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,435 Right after I furnish the apartment. 280 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,672 I saw this amazing leather sofa today. 281 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:01,308 You should be a reality show. 282 00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,210 Nice! (sighs) 283 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,045 Nice. 284 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,413 Wait! 285 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,181 That cork is the size of a softball 286 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,651 and you're pointing it directly at Wendy the waitress's face. 287 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:12,552 Is what he should have said. 288 00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:13,987 (cork pops) (Wendy screams) 289 00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:16,323 Now, if you're thinking of buying an apartment, 290 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,558 it's always good to check the place out at night. 291 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,794 Welcome to my humble abode. 292 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:22,996 This place is so nice. 293 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:24,665 Ah, make yourself at home. 294 00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,066 Please, get comfortable. 295 00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:28,335 If you see something you like, just take it. 296 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,404 Who are these people? 297 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:32,740 Uh... that's my parents. 298 00:09:32,773 --> 00:09:35,408 They're Asian. 299 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,844 Yeah. 300 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,812 They're a Chinese couple that wanted a white baby. 301 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,180 It works both ways. 302 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,182 Cookie. 303 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,416 Wow. 304 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:44,652 Did you make those? 305 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,953 (chuckling): You got me. 306 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,721 My sisters taught me how to bake 307 00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:49,156 and how to listen. 308 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,490 Wow. 309 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:52,592 I feel so at home here. 310 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,460 I'm glad. 311 00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:56,029 Sometimes, I don't. 312 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:58,732 A place like this really needs a lady of the house. 313 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:01,501 I know it's early to be thinking of you as... 314 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,737 Oh, God, I'm freaking you out, aren't I? 315 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,973 It's just you make me feel so safe... 316 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,507 I didn't... 317 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,176 (both moaning) 318 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,911 The next day, Lily and Marshall went 319 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,445 to the mortgage broker to get a loan. 320 00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:13,513 Hey, uh, 321 00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:14,815 can we get this in singles? 322 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,717 Before we get the apartment I want to put in a kiddie pool 323 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:17,818 and swim around in it naked. 324 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,820 (both laughing) 325 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,288 Great, that is great! 326 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:22,022 Thank you. 327 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,156 Thank you. 328 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,193 Okay, all right, back to business. 329 00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:27,661 All right, Mrs. Aldrin, 330 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,396 I'm going to need your social as well. 331 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,064 What? Why? 332 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:32,900 I mean, you already have Marshall's. 333 00:10:32,933 --> 00:10:34,768 Yes, but since you're a married couple, 334 00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:37,170 you'll be applying for a joint loan, so... 335 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,538 Well, can we just 336 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,941 go ahead and do it in my husband's name? 337 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,843 He's the head of the household. 338 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,077 He earns the big bucks. 339 00:10:44,111 --> 00:10:46,980 I mean, can women even own property? 340 00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,516 Go ahead, just give him your social. 341 00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:52,753 Okay, my... my social is, uh... 342 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,421 (mutters number quickly) 343 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:56,223 Got it. 344 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,858 Okay. 345 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:01,294 Let's see what kind of rate I can get you two. 346 00:11:01,328 --> 00:11:02,629 Under six percent. Under six percent. 347 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,464 Under six percent, please. 348 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,934 There we go. Congratulations. 349 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,401 You have been approved for a loan 350 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,070 at 18%. 351 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:13,606 No, way. That-that can't be right. 352 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,208 You're lucky to be getting a mortgage. 353 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,810 Let's get out of here, Marshall. 354 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,946 Hold it, I-I don't understand. 355 00:11:18,979 --> 00:11:20,480 Did we do something wrong or...? 356 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,482 You have quite a bit of debt. 357 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,918 My student loans. Great. 358 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:26,386 I thought we were friends. 359 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,520 You know what, it's fine 360 00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:28,722 to penalize me for trying 361 00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,257 to get an education and build a career, 362 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,159 but I will not let you deprive my beautiful wife 363 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,127 of her dream home just because I... 364 00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:37,430 Okay, actually, it's because of your wife's credit card debt. 365 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,436 Oh, my God. 366 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:48,608 Marshall, there's something I have to tell you, 367 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,144 and I want you to hear it from me first. 368 00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:59,219 Okay, so let me get this straight. 369 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,688 You just snuck this girl into some stranger's apartment? 370 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,390 Yeah, we spent the night. 371 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,625 Hey, look at you. 372 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:07,560 Hey. 373 00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:09,797 I'm wearing your bathrobe. 374 00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:11,899 I hope you don't mind. 375 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:13,433 The only thing missing from that bathrobe 376 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:14,501 are your initials. 377 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,606 My mom's gonna be in town next week. 378 00:12:19,639 --> 00:12:22,175 Is it okay if she stays with us? 379 00:12:22,209 --> 00:12:25,545 Only if she sleeps in the bed 380 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,380 and I sleep on the couch. 381 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,382 You're so sweet. 382 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,918 I love you. 383 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:33,653 There, I said it and I'm not taking it back. 384 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:36,356 Oh, my God! I love you, too. 385 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,492 I'm finally not the first one to say it! 386 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,929 How about you get in the shower, 387 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:44,397 and I will make us some waffles. 388 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,833 Uh-huh. 389 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,268 (giggles) 390 00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:49,970 (snarls playfully) 391 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:01,548 Works every time. 392 00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:03,283 Wait. 393 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,185 That time that you offered to walk my dogs 394 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,154 when I went to visit my dad in Vancouver... 395 00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:08,121 Yup. 396 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,823 Is that why my Yorkie trembled 397 00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,758 for like a week after I got back? 398 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,260 (chuckles) Yeah. 399 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:15,162 That little guy saw some stuff I'm not proud of. 400 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:19,099 Whoa. What? 401 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,401 There was a fight here. 402 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,036 What do you mean? 403 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,872 Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always 404 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:27,374 leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment. 405 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,808 Oh, God, here we go. 406 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,978 He had a detective club as a kid. 407 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,880 Uh, the Mosby Boys 408 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,481 cracked a lot of big cases. 409 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,083 The Mosby Boys? 410 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,318 You mean you and your sister. 411 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,453 We solved the mystery of the missing retainer. 412 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:42,923 Hmm, let me guess: it was in the garbage. 413 00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,925 Why are you like this? 414 00:13:46,559 --> 00:13:47,660 Anyway, this is serious. 415 00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,062 I know Lily and Marshall. 416 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,663 All the telltale signs are here. 417 00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,799 Like this. 418 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,468 A water bottle? Don't touch the evidence! 419 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,170 I got your back, partner. 420 00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,873 It's not just any water bottle. 421 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,042 Notice the label is peeled off. 422 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,577 Lily always peels labels off 423 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,980 the bottle when she's feeling guilty. 424 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:10,450 This label is not only peeled off, but torn up. 425 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:16,289 Oh, man, she must have done something bad. 426 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,125 Which means Marshall must have been really angry, 427 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,227 and when Marshall gets really angry... 428 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:21,929 he eats. 429 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,638 Just as I suspected, 430 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,306 Cherry Garcia. 431 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,277 Given the liquid consistency, 432 00:14:37,310 --> 00:14:41,848 I place the fight between... noon and 1:00. 433 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,917 Ew, that was on the floor. 434 00:14:43,951 --> 00:14:45,518 If you want to get to the bottom of this, 435 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:48,588 you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll-face. 436 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,257 Marshall stood here. 437 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:53,560 Eating and yelling, yelling and eating. 438 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,828 Lily stood here. 439 00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,697 Crying. 440 00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,132 Ew, Ted. 441 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:01,168 And then Marshall tried 442 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:03,070 to storm out... 443 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:06,339 but Lily went for the Hail Mary pass. 444 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,111 Which would mean... 445 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,650 What do you think, makeup sex? 446 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:20,153 No. There'd be a bigger mess. 447 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:22,489 Tempted as he was, Marshall was still too upset. 448 00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:25,058 He had to get out of here, any way he could. 449 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,060 He chose the door, 450 00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,795 slamming it behind him. 451 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,998 Which is why this picture is crooked. 452 00:15:31,031 --> 00:15:32,599 Nice catch, rook. 453 00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:35,168 I'll just, uh, take this down to the lab. 454 00:15:37,304 --> 00:15:39,306 Now all we need is a motive. 455 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:40,940 The million-dollar question. 456 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:42,775 What were they fighting about? 457 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:43,776 I know what they've been fighting... 458 00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,012 Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. 459 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,880 There's only one possible conclusion. 460 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,750 Lily and Marshall were fighting about: 461 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,220 peanut butter. Ah. 462 00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:56,789 Lily left the lid off... 463 00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,691 then Marshall blew his. 464 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,828 I know what they were fighting about, 465 00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:02,996 and it wasn't peanut butter. 466 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:05,165 Robin, just... I appreciate your help, 467 00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,534 but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman. 468 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:09,069 Just... 469 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,970 They were fighting because they didn't get the loan 470 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,239 and it's all Lily's fault. 471 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,307 Robin, just... What? 472 00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:18,478 Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of Mount... Rushmore. 473 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,679 Nice try, Robin. 474 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:21,314 So, the next thing Lily did 475 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:23,783 was give Marshall a few hours to cool off about 476 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,952 the peanut butter. 477 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,254 Then she called him 478 00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:31,358 to apologize, which is why the last number dialed is... 479 00:16:31,391 --> 00:16:33,326 WOMAN (on phone): Greenstein and Lee, Divorce Attorneys. 480 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,130 This can't be happening. 481 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:39,732 They can't... get divorced. 482 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,534 Not Lily and Marshall, no way. 483 00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,070 Well, it's been nice knowing you guys. 484 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:45,105 What do you mean? Well... 485 00:16:45,138 --> 00:16:47,307 Marshall's gonna get you guys, Lily's gonna get me. 486 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,708 Even if they did break up, that doesn't mean 487 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:49,976 we can't all still hang out. 488 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,512 I mean we broke up and we still hang out. It's not weird. 489 00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,013 It's a little weird. 490 00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:56,616 Yeah, it is. It's weird. 491 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,452 (voice cracking): The world needs 492 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:02,189 Marshall and Lily... together. 493 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:07,360 I'm not crying, there's something in my eye. 494 00:17:08,328 --> 00:17:10,029 (door opens) They're back. 495 00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:14,367 Hey, hey, guys. Hey. 496 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,469 We have an announcement. 497 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,838 I know, it's a terrible idea. 498 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,407 You can't do it! 499 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,443 (voice cracking): Just look at me. 500 00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,678 Oh... 501 00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,180 I hit redial on the phone. 502 00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:28,581 Divorce lawyers? 503 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:31,050 Oh, I should explain. 504 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,620 We got in a pretty big fight. 505 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,922 Yeah, I know. 506 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,824 Marshall stormed out. 507 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,492 I went, uh, to the bar. 508 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,029 Still drinking that? 509 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,997 I paid for it. 510 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:48,535 And apparently money's tight now, so... 511 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,271 Listen, I've been thinking about this, 512 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:54,274 and I know there's no way to undo what I've done, 513 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:57,877 but, well, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer. 514 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,212 What?! What?! 515 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,380 Oh, no, no, no, no-no. 516 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,681 What, you want a divorce now? No. 517 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:02,915 I just mean on paper, 518 00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:04,517 so that you can buy the apartment 519 00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:07,354 without my bad credit dragging us down. Lily... 520 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,489 are you trying to kill me? 521 00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:12,992 I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led with the divorce lawyer part. 522 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,794 No, you shouldn't have. 523 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,897 I love you, Lily. 524 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,666 I love you, too. 525 00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:22,269 And I want us to have our dream home. 526 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:24,571 And, well, I don't know. 527 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,739 It seems like this is a way to do it. 528 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,175 So... 529 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,910 Marshall Eriksen, 530 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,845 will you divorce me? 531 00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:36,616 That's the sweetest divorce proposal I've ever heard. 532 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,151 So is that a yes? 533 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:39,986 You can't sleep with other women though. 534 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,189 No, we're not getting divorced, 535 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:43,890 not even on paper. 536 00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,826 When I married you, I married your problems, too. 537 00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:50,330 The ones I knew about and the ones I didn't. 538 00:18:51,698 --> 00:18:52,899 So, that was the deal. 539 00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,467 We'll figure this out together. 540 00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,740 Can I get you guys anything else? 541 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,277 So you're not getting a divorce? 542 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:06,012 No. TED: Wow, you guys 543 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,815 scared us. Oh, thank God. 544 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,717 'Cause, I mean if you did, 545 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,753 then who'd be the lame married couple I get to make fun of? 546 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:16,589 Like, "Hey, Marshall, you married Miss Right. 547 00:19:16,623 --> 00:19:18,691 You just didn't know her first name was Always." 548 00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,760 (laughing): That stuff is gold. 549 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,697 So, what's the announcement? 550 00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:27,600 I just got off the phone with the Realtor. 551 00:19:27,634 --> 00:19:30,136 We told her that, uh, because of our finances, 552 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,738 we're not getting the place. 553 00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:33,340 It's just-- it's not the right time. 554 00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,242 TED: Is what Marshall should have said. 555 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,977 I just got off the phone with the realtor. 556 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,111 We got the place! 557 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,513 We're homeowners! 558 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,881 Don't do it. Are you insane? 559 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:42,982 Have you lost your mind? 560 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,551 Is what we should have said. 561 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,486 Yes! Congratulations! That's awesome! 562 00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,789 Wow! Wow! Thank you. 563 00:19:52,559 --> 00:19:54,126 Aw! This is exciting! 564 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,296 Yeah. There it is! 565 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,998 Our new home. 566 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,267 Shall we? 567 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,934 We shall. 568 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,172 Oh! Oh! 569 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,007 Oh, what a horrible smell. 570 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,376 It reeks. 571 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,943 Oh, that's just the plant. 572 00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:13,012 Don't worry, they shut it down on the weekends. 573 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,213 Wh-What plant? 574 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:15,715 What are you talking about? 575 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:16,816 Don't you know? 576 00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:18,485 Baby, this whole neighborhood is downwind 577 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,387 of the sewage treatment plant. 578 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:24,957 Wait... what did you just say? 579 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,593 I said, we're downwind 580 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:29,562 of the sewage treatment plant. 581 00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:35,568 Uh-oh. Uh-oh.