1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,105 TED: It was a quiet November afternoon in 2007. 2 00:00:04,138 --> 00:00:05,573 I was working from home, 3 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,875 because, you know, no distractions. 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,577 This is incredible! Oh, my God! 5 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,911 I can't believe it! 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,180 I have big news. Oh, my God! 7 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,647 Okay, my thing's pretty huge. 8 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,383 But fine, you can go first. Okay, I just 9 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:17,985 found out... I found a porno starring Ted Mosby! 10 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,187 What are you... 11 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,388 What are you, what are talking about? 12 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:23,924 I'm talking about Welcome to the Sex Plane, 13 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,427 and look who plays the navigator, 14 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:28,296 Ted Mosby. 15 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:29,697 Whoa. 16 00:00:29,730 --> 00:00:31,599 It's the same exact spelling as my name. 17 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:32,266 Okay, you know, 18 00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:33,967 cute coincidence, Barney. 19 00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,136 Whatever. 20 00:00:35,169 --> 00:00:36,604 I just got off the phone with the NR... 21 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:38,906 Oh, my God, this totally explains the thing 22 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,441 at my doctor's the other day. 23 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,642 Open wide. 24 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:43,477 I guess you're more used to saying that 25 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:45,579 than hearing it, huh, Ted Mosby? 26 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:46,547 (chuckles) 27 00:00:47,948 --> 00:00:49,517 Who is this guy? 28 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,619 And why's my doctor watching porn? 29 00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:54,455 All right, let's meet your new doppelganger. 30 00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:55,989 Or should I say doppelbanger? 31 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,024 Oh. 32 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,892 Guys, guys, guys! 33 00:00:58,926 --> 00:01:00,961 Can I tell my news? 34 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,430 It's pretty... This is really bizarre. 35 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,831 The only other famous Mosby I know 36 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,666 was a Confederate general during the Civil War. 37 00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:07,335 Probably not the same guy. 38 00:01:07,368 --> 00:01:09,270 I got the job at the NRDC! 39 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,305 You got the job! Oh! Yeah. 40 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:14,242 The NRDC, or National Resources Defense Council, 41 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,709 fought for clean water, 42 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,779 air and to preserve America's wilderness. 43 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:20,381 It was Marshall's dream job. 44 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,416 Congrats, buddy! Thanks. 45 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,951 It's kind of weird hugging with porn on. 46 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:24,985 Yeah, it really is. 47 00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,019 Oh! 48 00:01:26,053 --> 00:01:27,355 Hey, hey-o! 49 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,656 New guy entering the cockpit. 50 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,492 Could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby? 51 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:32,593 Uh... no. 52 00:01:32,626 --> 00:01:34,195 No, navigators have three stripes on their hats. 53 00:01:34,228 --> 00:01:35,363 Captains have four. 54 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,930 That guy's a captain. 55 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,066 Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy 56 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:42,436 in all those details was very important to the directors... 57 00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,306 "Dirt and Skank, The Raunch Brothers." 58 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:51,379 Baby, I have some exciting news! 59 00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:54,114 I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here. 60 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:56,617 I got the job at the NRDC! 61 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,986 (gasps) And I found a porno starring Ted Mosby! 62 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,921 Oh my God, that's amazing! 63 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:02,390 I know, right? 64 00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:03,724 Oh, congratulations, Marshall! 65 00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,393 Congratulations to us all! 66 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,960 Oh, let's go celebrate! 67 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,697 The fact that I found a porno starring a guy named Ted Mosby-- 68 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,064 let's do it! 69 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:12,766 Oh, is that him? 70 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,236 'Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing. 71 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:16,704 No, that's not him. 72 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:17,738 What do you mean, 73 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:19,873 "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing. 74 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,409 Oh, no. 75 00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,611 No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, 76 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:25,279 he really knows what he's doing. 77 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,681 Like all Ted Mosbys. 78 00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:28,982 Wow, NRDC! 79 00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,083 Way to go, Marshall. 80 00:02:30,117 --> 00:02:31,419 But you're 81 00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:33,854 still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby? 82 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:34,788 Marshall had an interview 83 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,824 at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West. 84 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,259 They represented 85 00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,060 pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue 86 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:42,563 once he started at the NRDC. 87 00:02:42,596 --> 00:02:44,031 I'm not doing that interview. 88 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:45,566 Those people are evil. 89 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:48,502 Marshall, your dad went through a lot of trouble to set this up. 90 00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,404 You can't just pull out at the last second. 91 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:51,639 Apparently you can. 92 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,175 Ted, Ted, Ted, guy in the hat! 93 00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,544 Three stripes! 94 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,846 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Ted Mosby, porn star. 95 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,514 Oh. Wow. Oh! 96 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,082 Oh. Wow. Whoa. 97 00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,717 I know what kind of plane this is. 98 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,018 It's a "Boing." 99 00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:06,387 (laughing) See. 100 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,722 This is way better than Marshall's internship. 101 00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,824 It's a real job. 102 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,226 Who is this guy? 103 00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:13,494 Are we related? 104 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,828 Do, do I look like him? 105 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,397 Um... 106 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:17,431 It's hard to tell. 107 00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,800 Go, go like this. 108 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,237 Oh, yeah, a little bit. Yeah. 109 00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,538 More around the eyes. Oh, I do see that. 110 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,788 And here's your water, 111 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,023 in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby. 112 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,558 (chuckles) Very funny, Wendy. 113 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,294 Now we know you watch porn. 114 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,397 This Ted Mosby must be getting kind of famous. 115 00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:50,664 Mm. You're not wrong. 116 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:52,099 According to the Web site, 117 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:53,767 of the far superior Ted Mosby... 118 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,370 ...he's been in the business three months, 119 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:58,939 and he's made 125 movies. 120 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:00,073 Wow. 121 00:04:00,107 --> 00:04:02,310 That's 42 movies a month. 122 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,077 Who is he, Jude Law? 123 00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:05,346 Right? 124 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,981 He makes a lot of movies. 125 00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,082 I mean, 126 00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:10,984 not so much lately, 127 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:12,986 but maybe, like, two years ago, 128 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,323 you couldn't go to a movie without... Shh... 129 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,691 Oh, hey, look, check it out. 130 00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:20,794 Ted Mosby did an interview in Adult Video Weekly. 131 00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,896 Adult Video Weekly? 132 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,898 Oh, no. 133 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,300 (phone rings) 134 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,268 Hello? 135 00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,970 Hi, I'm looking for Ted Mosby. 136 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,772 It's Leonard Ross from AVW. 137 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:32,806 Oh, my God! 138 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,041 AVW? 139 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,009 It's Architecture Vision Weekly! 140 00:04:36,043 --> 00:04:37,445 Um... 141 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:38,979 Wow, I've been reading your magazine 142 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,247 since I was a little kid. 143 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,915 Well, that's a bummer. 144 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,452 Anyway, I'm calling to interview you about your latest project. 145 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,620 Well, I don't want to say it's my project. 146 00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,556 I mean, I'll be working with at least three partners. 147 00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,724 Oh! Group scene. Always fun. 148 00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,793 Yeah, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. 149 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,028 I mean, I know they're gonna ride me pretty hard 150 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,064 but they're great guys. 151 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:58,265 Guys? 152 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,335 Whoa, there's a scoop. 153 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:04,438 That interview went on for 20 more minutes. 154 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,440 "This project was so demanding, 155 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,175 "I can't tell you how many nights 156 00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,243 I spent bent over a table." 157 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,679 (laughter) 158 00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,981 Oh, hey, baby, how'd the interview go? 159 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,016 Um, interesting. 160 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,719 There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth, 161 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,821 and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, 162 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:23,424 I might as well give this old bastard a piece of my mind. 163 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,125 Jefferson Coatsworth 164 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:27,060 wasn't what I expected. 165 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:28,362 Marshall, 166 00:05:28,396 --> 00:05:29,963 Jeff Coatsworth. 167 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,766 Hello. 168 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,836 Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here. 169 00:05:35,869 --> 00:05:37,405 Can I beer ya? 170 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,706 Marshall was thrown. 171 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:40,240 This guy seemed nice. 172 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:41,475 Of course, he wasn't. 173 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,210 (reporters clamoring) 174 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,478 Go-go to hell! 175 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,046 I'd do it again! 176 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,314 I'm innocent. 177 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,182 I'm innocent. 178 00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:50,584 Marshall, 179 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,185 why do you want to work 180 00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:54,154 at Nicholson, Hewitt & West? 181 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,589 Right, um, okay, Jeff, 182 00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,224 I've actually given this a lot of thought... 183 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,659 I'm sorry. Stop. 184 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,461 I can't do this with a straight face. 185 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,930 You don't want to work here. 186 00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,432 You're only here 'cause your dad went to high school 187 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:05,399 with Joe Hewitt. 188 00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:06,800 Fact is, 189 00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:09,837 you just got a sweet job at the NRDC. 190 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,871 And it's 191 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:11,472 awesome. 192 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,806 Man, I could 193 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,307 have gone the non-profit route. 194 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,743 I didn't. 195 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:18,245 And it eats me up inside every day. 196 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:21,248 I hate myself. 197 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,518 I hate myself. 198 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,554 Oh, he's good. 199 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,422 Classic seduction technique. 200 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,457 What do you mean? 201 00:06:29,490 --> 00:06:31,024 Oh, I use it all the time. 202 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:34,227 First I buy her-- and by her I mean you-- a drink. 203 00:06:34,261 --> 00:06:35,529 Now, I'm the guy who gets her 204 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:36,530 what she wants. 205 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,865 Then I pretend to care 206 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:39,867 about whatever idiotic thing she cares about. 207 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,335 For you, that would be the environment. 208 00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,370 Now, I'm the great 209 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:44,772 guy who shares her interests. 210 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:47,340 And before you know it, you're naked in my apartment 211 00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,977 shouting, "Oh, oh, Bar-r-r-ne-e-ey!" 212 00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,144 And by you, 213 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,379 I mean her. 214 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,615 He is not trying to seduce me. 215 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,550 He didn't even offer me the job. 216 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,818 That comes later. 217 00:06:57,851 --> 00:06:58,886 At dinner. 218 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,788 He did invite you to dinner, didn't he? 219 00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,457 Let me buy you dinner 220 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:05,158 tomorrow night 221 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,694 as a thank you, okay? 222 00:07:06,727 --> 00:07:08,562 You'll tell me all about the NRDC, 223 00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,698 and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients. 224 00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:12,500 I, you know, I don't know, 225 00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:14,434 I don't know if... Marshall, (clears throat) 226 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,471 you know what Kobe beef is? 227 00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,474 The most expensive beef in the world. 228 00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:24,011 The place I'm taking you has Kobe lobster. 229 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:28,048 That is lobster fed with Kobe beef. 230 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,486 Oh, my God, he's trying to seduce me. 231 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,354 So are you gonna go to dinner with him? 232 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,289 No. No way. 233 00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,291 I promised myself to the NRDC. 234 00:07:38,325 --> 00:07:39,993 I'm not that kind of lawyer. 235 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:40,994 Oh, you should go. 236 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,596 I mean, you're not gonna take the job, 237 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,697 but you might as well 238 00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,098 get a great meal out of the deal. 239 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:46,066 Don't wait up. 240 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:48,836 Guys, guys, guys, check this out. 241 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:50,504 Ted Mosby porn star's bio 242 00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,573 says his hometown is your hometown. 243 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,607 Shaker Heights, Ohio. 244 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:54,542 TED: What? 245 00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,510 Okay, this is getting creepy. 246 00:07:56,544 --> 00:07:57,578 Who, who is this guy? 247 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:58,646 I gotta find him. 248 00:07:58,679 --> 00:07:59,647 Well, it's your lucky day. 249 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,748 He's gonna be signing 250 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,182 autographs tomorrow night in Manhattan 251 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,284 at something called the Adult Video Expo. 252 00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:05,352 Mm. Wait. 253 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:06,687 Are you telling me 254 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,589 that they actually have conventions for porn? 255 00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,723 Affirmative. 256 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,291 Or to put it another way... 257 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,226 God bless America. 258 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,999 You can really taste the beef in that lobster. 259 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:19,833 Right. 260 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,570 Listen, 261 00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,572 I know we're only here to screw over my client, 262 00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,173 who quite frankly deserves it... 263 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:27,240 (chuckles) 264 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,409 but I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs 265 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:31,044 I gave you the spiel, okay? 266 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:32,445 So, first up, 267 00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,081 starting salary. 268 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,182 Okay. 269 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:36,884 Here we go. 270 00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,887 This is the big number that's supposed to impress me and-- 271 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,254 Wow. 272 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,657 That is a big number. 273 00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,726 There's also a signing bonus, 274 00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,761 uh, use of a company car, 275 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,329 expense account, blah blah blah. 276 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:52,499 Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze. 277 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,702 Hey. 278 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,706 I'm going to, uh, try to remain cool. 279 00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:01,041 But you know Patrick Swayze?! 280 00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:01,975 He's a client. 281 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,276 Who do you think bought us this wine. 282 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:05,278 Crazy Swayze. 283 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:07,080 Cheers, buddy. 284 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,949 Okay. No. 285 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,718 Jeff, this is all very impressive, 286 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:13,286 but I just don't think that... Listen, I know, I know. 287 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,824 You're not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks. 288 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,026 You're gonna do the noble thing, 289 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,528 take the low-paying job at the NRDC, 290 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,096 live off your family money. 291 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,497 Family money? 292 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:26,634 You do have family money, don't you? 293 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,535 No, um, not that I know of. 294 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:33,206 I do have an uncle who owns a, a pretty successful bait shop. 295 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,242 NRDC. 296 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,544 No family money. 297 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,947 Oh. 298 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:41,949 So you don't plan on having kids? 299 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,084 Actually, I, I want to have four kids. 300 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:47,320 Well... 301 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,623 New York public schools make a lot of parents nervous, 302 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:54,327 but the kids who walk out, walk out proud. 303 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,830 It was turning into a tough decision. 304 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,498 Now, kids, when I'm facing a tough decision, 305 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,668 I like to get out the old yellow legal pad and make 306 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:01,969 a list of pros and cons. 307 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:03,370 Marshall knew all the cons. 308 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,238 But there was one thing he didn't know. 309 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,074 A big item in the pros column. 310 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,976 Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher. 311 00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,343 Yeah. 'Cause Robin 312 00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:13,046 was about to ask Lily the one question... 313 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:16,083 An-And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right? 314 00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,117 Yeah. 315 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:18,852 ...that Lily had been dreading for years. 316 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,421 Well, how do you afford all of these expensive clothes? 317 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:24,324 I shop the sales. 318 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,160 They were in the closet when we moved in. 319 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,195 I steal. 320 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,429 I'm a criminal. 321 00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:33,233 LILY: I once shot a man just to watch him die. 322 00:10:33,266 --> 00:10:34,267 Lily? 323 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,836 Okay. 324 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,872 That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame. 325 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:43,043 Lily, this is nuts. 326 00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,611 How many credit cards do you have? 327 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,713 I don't know. 328 00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:46,814 Well, how much do you owe? 329 00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:49,016 (sobbing): I don't know! 330 00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:52,452 Wow. 331 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,122 I can't believe this many people love porn this much, 332 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,958 including that guy who works in human resources at my firm. 333 00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,059 Hi. 334 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:01,461 Let's just wave at each other awkwardly. 335 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:04,064 That'll make it better. 336 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,766 Dude, come on, let's just find bizarro me 337 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:06,967 and get out of here. 338 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,068 Oh, 339 00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:09,036 oh, I get it. 340 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,104 Ted Mosby, non-porn star, 341 00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:13,140 thinks this is all crude and disgusting. 342 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,507 You know who else was considered 343 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:15,608 crude and disgusting? 344 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,643 Shakespeare. 345 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,378 Hmm. But his themes-- 346 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:21,882 love, lust, forbidden desire-- were universal, 347 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:24,584 which is why his work has stood the test of time. 348 00:11:24,617 --> 00:11:26,353 And so will all this. 349 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:30,390 400 years from now, some high school drama class 350 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,260 will be doing a plucky, spirited production 351 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,996 of Beef Party VII. 352 00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:39,132 Oh, my God, Lily, that is a lot of debt. 353 00:11:39,166 --> 00:11:41,468 How did you get yourself into this situation? 354 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,370 I don't know what it is. 355 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:46,073 When I feel down about something, I shop. 356 00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,076 Ma'am, is everything okay? Oh, 357 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,611 I just had a huge fight with my mother. 358 00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,346 She doesn't understand me at all. 359 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:57,450 I swore that teaching would be a way 360 00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:59,052 to support my painting career, 361 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,988 but I never paint anymore. 362 00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:05,492 I just got a huge credit card bill. 363 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,161 Does Marshall know? 364 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:09,062 No. 365 00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:10,430 But you guys are the couple 366 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:11,832 who tell each other everything. 367 00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:12,900 And for God's sakes, Lily, 368 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,202 you text him while he's on the can. 369 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,938 Well, I just want him to know I'm rooting for him. 370 00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:21,341 Wait, okay, this all makes sense. 371 00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:22,575 So when you said... 372 00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:23,443 But you're still going to go 373 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,978 to your job interview today, right, baby? 374 00:12:25,012 --> 00:12:25,946 ROBIN: And then... 375 00:12:25,979 --> 00:12:27,114 Oh, you should go. 376 00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,615 I mean, you're not going to take the job, 377 00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,951 but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal. 378 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:32,185 You were pushing him 379 00:12:32,219 --> 00:12:34,487 into taking that high- paying corporate job. 380 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,923 I know. 381 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,125 It's terrible that I was trying to get him to do that. 382 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,559 Terrible? He has to take it. 383 00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:42,362 I mean, how else are you going to pay off all that debt? 384 00:12:42,395 --> 00:12:43,463 Lily, you have 385 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:46,166 to tell him about this before he turns down that job. 386 00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,835 You're right. 387 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:49,469 I feel awful. 388 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:53,273 You know, there's a sale... We're not going shopping. 389 00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,314 Ooh, there he is. Come on, let's go. 390 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:05,785 Why do I get so nervous around celebrities? 391 00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:07,354 Hi, Ted Mosby. 392 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:09,622 I'm Ted Mosby. 393 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,524 Ted Mosby, it's you. 394 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,759 Have we met? 395 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,928 Mr. Mosby, it is an honor to meet you, sir. 396 00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:15,929 Starney Binson. 397 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,297 Barney Stinson. 398 00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,631 Damn it. 399 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:19,766 We have met. 400 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,201 My real name is Steve Biel. 401 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,970 When I was in fourth grade, you were in ninth, 402 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,038 and, and one day I was out behind the school 403 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,273 and a bunch of seventh graders 404 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:28,175 were just beating the crap out of me. 405 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:30,177 Oh, yeah, I remember. That was you? 406 00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:32,479 Yeah, but you pulled them off me. 407 00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:34,781 You told them to go pick on someone their own size. 408 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:35,983 Huh. 409 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:39,552 I vowed right then that when I made something of myself, 410 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:41,121 I would honor you somehow. 411 00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:43,690 So you took my name and starred 412 00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,193 in Welcome To The Sex Truck? 413 00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,262 Yeah. 414 00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,564 Um, yeah, listen, Ted, you got to stop using my name. 415 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,935 I-I'm trying to make a career as an architect. 416 00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,736 Architect, huh? 417 00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:59,606 You mean like a sex architect? 418 00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:01,841 What? Yeah, you know, you're on to something. 419 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,044 That would make a great title of a film. 420 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:07,514 Ted Mosby, Sex Architect. 421 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,883 You know, I'm actually looking for a new project 422 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,052 to shoot next Friday afternoon. 423 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,687 Yeah, listen, isn't, isn't there some other way 424 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:15,855 you could honor me? 425 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,590 With all due respect. 426 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:19,326 Wait, you're not mad, are you? 427 00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:22,329 Oh, man, I knew it. 428 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,565 My father said, "Just plant a tree in Israel." 429 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,533 I'm such an idiot. 430 00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,667 I guess 431 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,369 I thought you'd be psyched. 432 00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:31,972 I am. 433 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,440 I am; it's just 434 00:14:33,473 --> 00:14:35,742 I feel a little guilty because I'm not 435 00:14:35,775 --> 00:14:37,444 the one who saved you that day. 436 00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,580 The guy who actually saved you was... 437 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:45,418 named... Lance Hardwood. 438 00:14:46,753 --> 00:14:48,922 Lance Hardwood, yeah. 439 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:50,890 Really? Mm. 440 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:52,592 You know, you might not know this, 441 00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,662 but in my business, that's kind of a killer name. 442 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,966 Yeah, I guess, I guess it is. 443 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,700 I can see the poster now. 444 00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,835 Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect. 445 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:03,903 Starring... 446 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,472 Ted Mosby. 447 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,806 I love it. 448 00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,508 (laughs) 449 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,643 TED: Marshall and Jeff stayed pretty late at the restaurant. 450 00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:11,979 They stayed so late 451 00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:12,946 that Marshall crashed on Jeff's couch, 452 00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,381 and the next day, 453 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,316 Marshall took part in a Sunday morning tradition 454 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:21,188 as old as the city itself: the Walk of Shame, 455 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,190 the long journey home after doing something you regret 456 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,691 the night before. 457 00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,126 I'll take the job. 458 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,127 That's awesome! 459 00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,761 Yeah! Yeah! 460 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,631 Great time last night. 461 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,666 I'll call you later. 462 00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,568 He's not going to call you. 463 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,706 Hey. Hey. 464 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:40,873 Um, did you get my message? 465 00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:43,376 I just, I crashed uptown. Yeah, yeah. 466 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:47,080 Listen, I have, uh, something to tell you. 467 00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:49,449 Uh, I have something I need to tell you also. 468 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:51,684 Mine's pretty huge. 469 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,453 You go first. 470 00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,422 Well... I took 471 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,489 the job. 472 00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,757 I'm sorry. 473 00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:58,758 I'm so sorry. 474 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,160 I was drunk, 475 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:04,097 and it was a haze of cigars and scotch and Swayze, 476 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,432 and they offered me, like, 477 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,835 like, like, like, a lot of money. 478 00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,470 Oh, Marshall. 479 00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,440 How much money? 480 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,311 Here. 481 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,982 Whee! 482 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,152 Yeah! 483 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,954 It's completely despicable. 484 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,422 I know, I know, I sold out 485 00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:33,726 for a huge pile of disgusting money, 486 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:38,631 disgusting money that could help our future family 487 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:40,100 have some financial security 488 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,434 and could help pay for law school. 489 00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,803 Law school. 490 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:46,106 Law school that I went to to help protect the environment, 491 00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:47,407 not help destroy it. 492 00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,241 And for what? 493 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:51,178 For, for... a lot of money. 494 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,581 (screaming) 495 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,984 Okay, okay, you've got to stop screaming. 496 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,219 Listen, Marshall, 497 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,753 you know what I like to do in situations like this? 498 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:03,590 Ted, if you say make a list of pros and cons, 499 00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:04,724 I'm going to smack you. 500 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,958 I wasn't going to say that. 501 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:08,128 Okay, two beers, 502 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:11,064 and Ted, here's that yellow legal pad you asked for. 503 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,065 Yellow legal pad? 504 00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,566 I ordered fries. 505 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,369 Maybe you should use this to write down people's orders. 506 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,608 Guys, I, I don't know what to do. 507 00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:22,509 Take the money. 508 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,578 Money is good, money is happiness. 509 00:17:25,612 --> 00:17:26,946 If I work there, 510 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,516 I'll be representing the most evil corporations in the world. 511 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:32,119 Kind of sounds like a pro and con list to me. 512 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,221 Lily, you have to tell him. 513 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,156 You can help him make this decision. 514 00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,091 Oh, I think he's doing fine on his own. 515 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,392 (Marshall groaning) 516 00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,463 (groaning) 517 00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:45,132 All right. 518 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,902 Marshall, 519 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,472 I have something to say, 520 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:54,541 and it's going to help you make your decision. 521 00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:58,145 Oh, of course, you know my heart better than I do. 522 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,079 You know what's best for me and for us. 523 00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:03,283 Please, please tell me what to do. 524 00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:10,657 I think you should take the job at the NRDC. 525 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,126 Of course I should, of course I should. 526 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,128 Guys, 527 00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,664 I'm going to save the planet Earth. 528 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,632 I got to go call Jeff. 529 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,571 What is the matter with you? 530 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,206 I can't ask him to make himself miserable 531 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:28,575 because of a mistake I made. 532 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,211 It's my problem; I'll figure it out. 533 00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:33,413 That's really sweet. 534 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,148 Are those new earrings? 535 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:37,384 What are you, my mom? 536 00:18:37,417 --> 00:18:40,853 Jeff, hey, um, it's Marshall. 537 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,489 JEFF (on phone): Hey, Marshall. 538 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,824 I have something that I need to tell you. 539 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:46,926 I feel really weird about doing this over the phone. 540 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:47,860 Then don't. 541 00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,364 Before you say anything, 542 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:54,367 come take a ride in this awesome limo with me. 543 00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,169 Where are we going? 544 00:18:56,203 --> 00:18:57,937 Tuckahoe Funland. 545 00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,806 I'm sorry. 546 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,209 It sounded like you said Tuckahoe Funland, 547 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,777 the magic factory where dreams are made. 548 00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,213 Get in. 549 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,986 Man, I-I love this place. 550 00:19:14,020 --> 00:19:16,323 Me, too, buddy. 551 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,025 So what did you want to tell me? 552 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,294 I can't work for you. 553 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,729 I know, dude. 554 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,597 It's fine. 555 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:27,300 Marshall Eriksen wants to preserve the environment, 556 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,536 so that our children can enjoy it as we have. 557 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,604 I get it. 558 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,407 Good. Thank you. 559 00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:39,246 I look down and see children enjoying this place. 560 00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,681 Yeah, because somebody fought to preserve it. 561 00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,651 If they ever shut this place down, it would be a tragedy. 562 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,955 Well, the good news is, that'll never happen. 563 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,257 You won't let it. 564 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,624 Because when you work for us, 565 00:19:51,658 --> 00:19:56,396 your only client will be this place-- 566 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,665 Tuckahoe Funland. 567 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,336 I'm taking the job. 568 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,404 Hey! All right. 569 00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,572 And the best part is 570 00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:06,606 I'm not even going to be representing 571 00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:07,774 some sort of evil corporation. 572 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:11,344 I will be representing Tuckahoe Funland, 573 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:13,280 the least evil place in the world. 574 00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:14,814 Or so Marshall thought. 575 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,489 (all cheering) Great news, great news. 576 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,691 Uh-oh. 577 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,827 Oh, I'd better check on him. 578 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,506 BARNEY: Got it. Lance Hardwood, 579 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:42,709 Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby. 580 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,076 Terrific. 581 00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,045 You'll notice I'm in the credits. 582 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:48,715 I did some location scouting. 583 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,420 (music playing) 584 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:59,292 Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building. 585 00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:02,895 Wow, that really looks like our apartment. 586 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:03,963 It is. 587 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,998 Oh, I should return these. 588 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,467 Oh, 589 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:10,269 Sex Architect, you've done it again. 590 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:13,340 Let's go celebrate on the couch. 591 00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,342 (disgusted groans)