1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,972 TED: Kids, back in fall of 2007, I was dating this girl named... 2 00:00:05,039 --> 00:00:06,174 Oh, God, what was her name? 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:07,441 It's been 23 years, 4 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,942 I can't remember all this stuff. 5 00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,844 For the sake of the story, let's call her... 6 00:00:10,911 --> 00:00:12,113 Everyone, this is Blahblah. 7 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:14,048 Please, call me Blah. 8 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,083 (exchanging greetings) 9 00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:17,251 So, Blah, how did you two meet? 10 00:00:17,318 --> 00:00:19,553 Well, I was taking this cooking class, 11 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,590 French Fusion, and everyone already had a partner, 12 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,825 but then I looked up and across a crowded room, 13 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,627 I saw Ted. 14 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:27,861 It was magical. 15 00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,264 It was so magical. 16 00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:32,366 Except it wasn't. 17 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,303 She's going to tell some bogus story about a cooking class 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,838 because she's embarrassed we met online. 19 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,773 Ai Chihuahua! What? 20 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,242 What? There's no stigma anymore. 21 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:42,776 Oh, there's a stigma. 22 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,413 That's why people always say, "There's no stigma anymore." 23 00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:46,680 So, she's hot? 24 00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:47,715 Oh, she's gorgeous. 25 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:48,782 Then she's crazy. 26 00:00:48,849 --> 00:00:49,617 No, she's not. 27 00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:52,286 Ted, the only hot girls that troll the Internet 28 00:00:52,353 --> 00:00:55,623 for dudes are crazy, hookers, or dudes. 29 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,824 Okay, she's not crazy. 30 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:57,858 She's not a hooker. 31 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,527 She's not a dude. 32 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:02,096 There's this guy I pass on my way to work every day 33 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:04,565 who's all three-- scares the crap out of me. 34 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,134 There is no way she is above the line 35 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,501 on the Hot/Crazy scale. 36 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,069 She's not even on the Hot/Crazy scale. 37 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:10,271 She's just hot. 38 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,106 Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"? 39 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,507 Let me illustrate. 40 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:16,110 A girl is allowed to be crazy 41 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:20,013 as long as she is equally hot. 42 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,449 Thus, if she's this crazy, 43 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,651 she has to be this hot. 44 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:24,785 If she's this crazy, 45 00:01:24,852 --> 00:01:26,454 she has to be this hot. 46 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,324 You want a girl to be above this line, 47 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,427 also known as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal. 48 00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:36,264 This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. 49 00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:38,532 She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. 50 00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,203 She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. 51 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,438 I should give her a call. 52 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,919 Okay, so please, 53 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,020 just play along with her fake story. 54 00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:02,190 We met in a cooking class. 55 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,357 I don't know, Ted. 56 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,658 I don't know if I can just play along 57 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,461 with your crazy girlfriend's fake story. 58 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,297 Now, if you had said fake breasts... 59 00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:11,031 She's not crazy. 60 00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,601 Okay. We'll see. 61 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:17,171 Long story short, thank goodness I'm such a bad cook, 62 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,607 or I never would have met Ted. 63 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:22,042 Oh, crazy how cute that is. 64 00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,811 It's crazy. 65 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,247 You know who else has a really cute story of how they met? 66 00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:27,315 Marshal and Lily. 67 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,516 You guys should tell that story, right now. 68 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,417 Yeah. 69 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,151 All right. But spoiler alert. 70 00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,686 It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!" 71 00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:33,721 Aw. 72 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,323 Starts with it, too. 73 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:38,392 When you've been a couple as long as Marshal and Lily, 74 00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:41,495 telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance. 75 00:02:41,562 --> 00:02:44,097 It was late August, 1996. 76 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,999 Lily and I were both freshman moving into... 77 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:47,635 BOTH: Hewitt Hall. 78 00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,137 MARSHALL: And she needed some help setting up her stereo. 79 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:53,307 LILY: For some unknown reason, 80 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,476 I felt drawn to room 110. 81 00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:56,877 MARSHALL: As if she knew 82 00:02:56,944 --> 00:03:00,147 that someone very special was behind that door. 83 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:05,319 LILY: And as fate would have it that someone was Marshall. 84 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:08,589 BOTH: It was love at first sight. 85 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:10,558 Hi. Hi. 86 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:11,759 Aw... 87 00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:13,994 I know, right? 88 00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:16,764 TED: Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings. 89 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,832 The first time Marshall told it to me, 90 00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,033 it was a little different. 91 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,503 Dude, this black-haired Goth chick stopped by today. 92 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:26,006 * Want to tap it. * 93 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:28,642 You guys are so lucky. 94 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,444 You know, when Ted and I were cooking 95 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,012 and our hands touched for the first time, 96 00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,947 I knew right then that after class 97 00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,350 he would take me up on the roof, kiss me and give me a rose. 98 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,686 Which he did! 99 00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,288 Say, "Aw." 100 00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:43,156 Aw. Aw. 101 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,558 I know, right? 102 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,694 I'll get the next round, okay, guys? 103 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:51,265 (clears throat) 104 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,834 Anybody would be stressed out meeting new people. 105 00:03:55,336 --> 00:03:56,704 She's not crazy. 106 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,839 Crazy-generous maybe, buying us drinks. 107 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,442 Shut up. 108 00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,314 So, we know how Marshall and Lily met. 109 00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:09,650 Robin, how did you and Barney meet? 110 00:04:09,717 --> 00:04:11,885 No... (laughs) 111 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,987 No, no, no, no. 112 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:17,525 No, no, no, no. No, no, no. 113 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:21,929 No. No. Barney and I are not together. No. No. 114 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:25,333 Really? 16 no's? Really? 115 00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:26,300 BLAH: So you're... 116 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,535 single? 117 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,135 Yeah. 118 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:29,703 Hmm. 119 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,706 Oh. So, pretty and single and friends with Ted. 120 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,342 Great. 121 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,811 You know who else is friends with Ted? 122 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:38,846 Marshall. 123 00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,080 How did we meet? 124 00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,181 It was a good story. 125 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:42,550 I'm going to tell it, right now. 126 00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:43,917 Uh, it was the first day of college. 127 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,986 Kids, to understand this story, you need to know 128 00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,155 that your Uncle Marshall was doing something 129 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:49,557 that lots of college kids do. 130 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,958 How do I say this? 131 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:55,363 He was, uh... let's say, eating a sandwich. 132 00:04:55,429 --> 00:04:59,199 (snickering) 133 00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:00,968 Dude, I heard the dean is coming. 134 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,903 Put out your sandwich. 135 00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:09,643 Hey. 136 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,647 Good afternoon, sir. 137 00:05:14,448 --> 00:05:15,483 I'm Marshall Erickson. 138 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,852 "Sir"? No, please, just call me Ted. 139 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,355 Okay, Dean Ted. 140 00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:22,756 Whoa... (sniffs) 141 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,992 Someone's been eating a sandwich. 142 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,661 What? No. Really? 143 00:05:27,728 --> 00:05:31,064 I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. 144 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:34,101 My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school. 145 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,705 So you're bottom bunk; that's cool. 146 00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,173 I wanted the top bunk anyway. 147 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,409 What do you mean? 148 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,544 I'm you're new roommate. 149 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,415 So unfair. 150 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:49,950 I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean 151 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,084 until later that night. 152 00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:59,560 You're not the dean. 153 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:02,796 College-- good times. 154 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,198 Oh, I get it. Ted told you I didn't go to college, 155 00:06:05,265 --> 00:06:07,868 so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap. 156 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,604 Oh, here we go. 157 00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:12,305 Well, while you were busy majoring 158 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,741 in being freakin' beautiful, 159 00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:14,575 I was starting 160 00:06:14,642 --> 00:06:16,209 my own line of handbags. 161 00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:17,511 Your own line of handbags? 162 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,312 That's crazy. 163 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,681 These have sold in Japan. 164 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,550 Robin, have you ever sold anything in Japan? 165 00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:26,420 Uh, no. But I would love to buy one of them, if... 166 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:28,255 Where can I get one? 167 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,757 I don't have a distributor here yet, 168 00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,024 but thanks for rubbing that in. 169 00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:33,627 Why are you trying to undermine me in front of Ted? 170 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:36,296 Look, there's nothing going on between me and Ted. 171 00:06:36,363 --> 00:06:38,999 Wow, that just... came out of nowhere. 172 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,835 No, I'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about. 173 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,804 I wasn't worried. Are you saying I should be? 174 00:06:43,871 --> 00:06:45,973 No, I'm saying that you shouldn't be. 175 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:46,840 Oh, good, 'cause I'm not. 176 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,576 Now, Robin, can you just let it go? 177 00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:50,878 You're making all of us really uncomfortable. 178 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,246 You know what else is a good story? 179 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:54,648 How Barney and I met. 180 00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,917 Barney, tell that story, right now, please. 181 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,953 Okay, Ted. This is a crazy story. 182 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,288 You're going to love it. 183 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:02,456 Tonight's the first time 184 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:03,957 I'm taking my deaf brother out 185 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,392 since our mom died. 186 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:08,095 Oh, I'm sorry about that. 187 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:09,563 No, that's okay. 188 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,699 I have to take care of him now. 189 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:15,469 Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold 190 00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:18,138 in order to do it, but... 191 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,608 I'm happy to. 192 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,576 He's my brother and I love him. 193 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,646 I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh. 194 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:29,517 Well, man, I'm, uh... I'm really sorry. 195 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:32,419 Wow, you bought that? 196 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:33,687 What? 197 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,489 I just made that up in mid-pee. 198 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,824 If it worked on you, it's definitely going to work 199 00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,426 on the blonde chick at the end of the bar. 200 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,628 Unless you're a total idiot. 201 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:41,829 What's your name? 202 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,163 Ted. 203 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,765 Are you a total idiot, Ted? 204 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:47,768 Well, I'm still having this conversation, so... 205 00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:49,537 (chuckles): Well played. 206 00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,607 I like you, Ted. 207 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,710 Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live. 208 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,246 Barney. We met at the urinal. 209 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,914 Oh, right. Hi. 210 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:04,217 Lesson one: Lose the goatee; it doesn't go with your suit. 211 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:05,352 I'm not wearing a suit. 212 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:06,587 Lesson two: Get a suit. 213 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:08,989 Suits are cool-- Exhibit A. 214 00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,491 Lesson three: Don't even think about getting married 215 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:12,960 until you're 30. 216 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,061 And lesson four: 217 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:16,263 Be totally silent for the next five minutes. 218 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:17,364 Hey, Audrey. 219 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,267 Uh, this is my deaf brother, Edward. 220 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,602 (shouting): Edward! 221 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:24,705 This is Audrey! 222 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:28,508 You know, I actually know some sign language. 223 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,284 He doesn't sign. 224 00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,419 He's embarrassed by his hands. 225 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,855 They're tiny... and lady-like. 226 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:49,096 What? You... are over your hand issues. 227 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,631 It's about time. 228 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,744 Here. Call me. 229 00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:11,318 And even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number, 230 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,655 I knew that Ted and I would be each others wingmen forever. 231 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,790 Barney, it's time you knew. 232 00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,326 Um, that story actually goes a little bit differently. 233 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,335 (laughter) 234 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,237 Great. Funny. 235 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:32,305 God, with a wingman like Ted, I might need to resort 236 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:35,375 to meeting someone in a super, desperate and lame way, 237 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,777 like online. 238 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,014 Online. 239 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:43,450 Online. 240 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,152 Oh, my God! You told them?! 241 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,519 Okay, yes, I told them. 242 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,021 But it's not a big deal. 243 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,823 Lots of people meet on the Internet. 244 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,392 That whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing-- 245 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,794 that only happens in the movies. 246 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:56,396 Yeah, that never happens. Oh, wait, except you and Robin. 247 00:09:56,463 --> 00:09:57,665 That's how you guys met, right? 248 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:07,307 Wait, you guys dated? 249 00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:08,308 For how long? 250 00:10:08,375 --> 00:10:09,609 A year. 251 00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:11,144 But don't worry. 252 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,946 The relationship wasn't that good. 253 00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,782 By the end, it was mostly about sex. 254 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,651 Which was not that good. 255 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,618 But I was the problem. 256 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,821 I'd just lie there. 257 00:10:20,888 --> 00:10:21,922 Ted is, uh, very good. 258 00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:25,859 I'm sure he will get you where you need to go. 259 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:29,963 Can I buy your bags online? 260 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:33,100 Oh, oh, I see what's going on here, Ted. 261 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,935 I'm just some random girl to make Robin jealous, 262 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,036 and after she takes you back, 263 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,671 you probably won't even remember my name. 264 00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,908 Come on, Blahblah, it's not like that. 265 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:42,242 Well, we're closing in on the half. 266 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:46,880 Let's see how Blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale. 267 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:50,017 She started the night here, but as the night's progressed, 268 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,485 she's gotten crazier but no hotter, 269 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:56,023 which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza Diagonal 270 00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,559 and dangerously close to the Shelly Gilespie Zone. 271 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:00,894 Another girl I dated-- 272 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:04,197 she gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick. 273 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,366 I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but seriously, 274 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,101 there's nothing going on with me and Robin. 275 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,570 Then why has she been trying to undermine me all night? 276 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:11,638 I mean, look at her. 277 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,173 She's laughing at me right now. 278 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,110 (sighs) 279 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,046 I'm sorry, it's just, you know, 280 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,648 Lily and Marshall's story is so romantic. 281 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,017 I just wish we had something like that. 282 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:26,186 Well, their story's not as magical as it seems. 283 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:27,220 What do you mean? 284 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:30,724 No, I, I can't, it's, it's kind of a secret. 285 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,693 Well, how about I tell you a little secret 286 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:37,030 about what you might get to do later tonight? 287 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,435 (laughs) 288 00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:43,937 The night before Lily met Marshall... Uh-huh. 289 00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:45,205 ...there was this party. 290 00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:51,812 Hey. 291 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:52,946 You a freshwoman? 292 00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,447 I never use the word "freshman." 293 00:11:54,514 --> 00:11:55,715 Sexist. 294 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,717 Yeah, I'm a first year. 295 00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,452 I'm in Hewitt 220. 296 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:01,388 No way. Hewitt 110. 297 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,522 You should totally come by. 298 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:05,092 Maybe I will, Hewitt 110. 299 00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:06,760 CROWD: Chug! Chug! Chug! 300 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,461 Chug! Chug! Chug! 301 00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:09,629 Chug! Chug! Chug! 302 00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:12,933 (cheering) 303 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:17,004 Look at these drunk idiots. 304 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,672 Hey, don't drink their two dollar beer. 305 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:20,808 This is a pinot noir. 306 00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,475 From Europe. 307 00:12:22,542 --> 00:12:24,477 Ooh. 308 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,348 Oh, it's fruity. 309 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,017 Yeah, I cut it with some cranberry juice. 310 00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,351 It was pretty strong. 311 00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:34,822 So, uh... 312 00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,189 do you have a girlfriend? 313 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,190 Yeah. 314 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,893 Not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though. 315 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:40,861 It's like Descartes says. 316 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,529 "In order to determine 317 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,232 "whether there is anything we can know with certainty, 318 00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:48,535 we first have to doubt everything we know." 319 00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,636 You know? 320 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,038 Wow. 321 00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:58,178 But as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning, 322 00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:00,580 she still remembered room 110. 323 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,382 That's why she knocked on the door. 324 00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:03,583 She was looking for me. 325 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:04,818 Oh, my God. 326 00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,353 Yeah, and in all these years, 327 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,221 Lily and I have never even spoken about it, 328 00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,890 so again, mum's the word, okay? 329 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,524 You have to tell Marshall. 330 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:14,294 No, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him. 331 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,831 If you don't tell him... 332 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,900 (sing-songy): ...I will. 333 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,002 Oh, come on, you wouldn't. 334 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,073 Oh, no. 335 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,778 So, Lily, how did you and Ted meet? 336 00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:34,214 Come on, Lily, the real story. 337 00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:36,216 I don't think anyone wants to hear that story. 338 00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:40,120 Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted, it was a long time ago. 339 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,622 (quavering): And I made a huge mistake last night, 340 00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,391 but it's like Descartes says. 341 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:45,758 "In order to determine whether there is anything 342 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:46,994 "we can know with certainty, 343 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,162 we first have to doubt everything we know." 344 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,934 And I now know for certain that I love you, Karen. 345 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:57,304 Anyway, call me back when you get this. 346 00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,972 I'm also going down to the computer center 347 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:01,041 to send you an electronic mail. 348 00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:04,444 (clearing throat): Ted. 349 00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,980 This is Lily. 350 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:10,717 No, no, I'm sorry, but I love Karen. 351 00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:13,786 Yes, that is the unabridged story of how Lily and I met. 352 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,122 How embarrassing. 353 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,723 Who wants another round? That's not the story. 354 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:17,790 Ted, tell 'em. 355 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,126 Tell us what? Um, Lily, 356 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,660 will you help us get the next round? 357 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:22,495 Ted, what's going on? 358 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:26,766 She knows about us, about how we really met. 359 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,601 Yeah, I know, I just told her. 360 00:14:28,668 --> 00:14:30,670 No, the real story. 361 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,639 Ted, what are you talking about? 362 00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,442 Lily... come on. 363 00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,776 Come on, what? 364 00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:40,113 Lily... come on. 365 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:43,350 Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. 366 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,986 Lily... come on. 367 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,855 I know that you and Ted made out 368 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,757 the night before you met Marshall. 369 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:51,925 What? 370 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,826 Ted and I never made out. 371 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,062 Yeah... we did. 372 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,397 I only made out with one other guy in college 373 00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,800 before I met Marshall, and it was just some random dude. 374 00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,902 I, I don't even remember his name. 375 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,571 I just call him Too Much Tongue Guy. 376 00:15:04,637 --> 00:15:06,173 What? Too Much Tongue Guy? 377 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,607 Well, I'm not surprised to hear that 378 00:15:07,674 --> 00:15:10,043 coming from Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl. 379 00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:11,911 That wasn't me. 380 00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:14,481 Yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party. 381 00:15:14,547 --> 00:15:17,650 No, no, no, no, no. 382 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:18,751 No, no. 383 00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:22,655 No, no, no, no, no! 384 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,124 How much fun is this? 385 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:27,060 All of us reminiscing about how we met me? 386 00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,329 Robin, have I told you how I met Marshall? 387 00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:30,998 Uh, yeah, like five or six ti-- 388 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,599 It was right over there. 389 00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:33,833 Here's your problem. 390 00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:35,668 You've only slept with one woman. 391 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:38,005 Those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11, 392 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,072 but tonight 393 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,174 we're getting you a new girl 394 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:42,642 because, Marshall Eriksen, 395 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:47,180 from this moment on, I make all your decisions for you. 396 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:50,150 I'm sorry, who, who are you again? 397 00:15:51,351 --> 00:15:53,120 This is Barney; I met him the other day. 398 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,187 He's kind of a jackass. 399 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:56,256 I'm teaching Ted how to live, 400 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,491 and-- lucky you-- I have room for one more student. 401 00:15:58,558 --> 00:15:59,492 Think of me 402 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:02,662 as Yoda, only instead of being little and green, 403 00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,697 I wear suits and I'm awesome. 404 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:05,932 I'm your bro. 405 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,500 I'm Bro-da. 406 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,901 And tonight, 407 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,237 you're going to use The Force 408 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,006 to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed. 409 00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,774 He's going to use force? 410 00:16:14,841 --> 00:16:16,009 'Cause that sounds wrong, Bro-da. 411 00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,044 (chuckles) 412 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,778 No, The Force. 413 00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:20,413 It's a Star Wars reference. 414 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,682 So we should make lots of Star Wars references around girls. 415 00:16:22,749 --> 00:16:24,017 That's what you're saying? 416 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,086 I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend. 417 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:29,422 Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in. 418 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:30,290 Look at her. 419 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:31,924 How much hotter is she 420 00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,527 than your girlfriend? 421 00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:37,297 There's no comparison. 422 00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,331 What do you think, Ted? 423 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,499 No. Should I go for it? 424 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:40,367 Don't do it, man. 425 00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:42,835 I mean, think about Lily. 426 00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:44,071 You know what? I don't care. 427 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,039 I've been with one woman for too long. 428 00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,707 I need me some strange. 429 00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,376 Yes! Yes! 430 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,377 Pep talk. 431 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,046 You can do this, 432 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:55,615 but to be more accurate, you probably can't. 433 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,551 You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you, 434 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:02,089 so remember, tonight isn't about scoring. 435 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,991 It's about believing that you can do it 436 00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:07,127 even though you probably can't. 437 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,262 Go get 'em, tiger. 438 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,171 (chuckling) 439 00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:20,273 Poor guy's going to crash and burn. 440 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:27,214 That man is a god. 441 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:28,248 (laughing): For like a week after, 442 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,383 Barney followed me around 443 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:32,185 asking me to teach him how to live. 444 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:34,053 I even got him to do my laundry once. 445 00:17:34,121 --> 00:17:37,124 I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing. 446 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,192 (laughs) Marshall, I need to talk to you. 447 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,893 Can we go somewhere in private? 448 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,395 Yeah, of course. What's wrong? 449 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,996 Lily and Ted made out. 450 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,798 What do you think of that, Robin? 451 00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:47,967 What are you talking about? 452 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,569 You know that guy I made out with 453 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,738 at the freshman orientation party? 454 00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:53,573 Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah. 455 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,041 And you know that girl I made out with 456 00:17:55,108 --> 00:17:56,443 at the freshman orientation party? 457 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,611 Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl, yeah. 458 00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,746 (laughs) 459 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,114 I'm Too Much Tongue Guy. 460 00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:03,850 And I'm Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl. 461 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,018 Worst superheroes ever. 462 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,388 Oh, baby, I am so sorry. 463 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,022 I don't think you need to be. 464 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:11,124 I was at that party. 465 00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:12,692 It was dark and, granted, 466 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:16,463 I had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but I'm 100% sure 467 00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,365 that Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl 468 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,433 was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily. 469 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:21,301 Really? 470 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:22,569 Yeah, I'm positive, 471 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:25,672 and Too Much Tongue Guy was Colin O'Reilly. 472 00:18:25,738 --> 00:18:26,706 Are you sure? 473 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,974 If it wasn't, 474 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,210 I peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man. 475 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,578 (Marshall laughs) LILY: Aw... 476 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,914 You don't really believe that, do you? 477 00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:38,218 You swore it was Lily. 478 00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:41,954 I guess I made a mistake. 479 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:44,291 Must have been Alexa. 480 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,226 Another girl, Ted? 481 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,495 Who haven't you made out with? 482 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,363 You know what? I don't need this. 483 00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,465 I design handbags, I'm writing a memoir, 484 00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,767 I'm a superstar, this is totally my year. 485 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:57,204 Someday the name Blahblah will be up in lights. 486 00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,206 And, Ted, next time you're online 487 00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:00,573 playing World of Warcraft, 488 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,642 don't even think about chatting with me. 489 00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,881 World of Warcraft? 490 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,049 The online 491 00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,651 role-playing game? 492 00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:13,019 That's how you two 493 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,621 "met online"? 494 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,001 Yeah, it's a really-- it's a cool game. 495 00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,303 (both laugh) So suffice it to say, 496 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:33,273 Blahblah did not turn out to be your mother. 497 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,408 As for the girl I made out with at the party, 498 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:38,811 there wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your Aunt Lily. 499 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,547 But, you know, that magical story 500 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,449 of how she and Uncle Marshall met, 501 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:45,318 it was worth preserving, so I kept my mouth shut. 502 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,820 I guess I made a mistake. 503 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,256 Must have been Alexa. 504 00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,158 Until our 20th college reunion 505 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:55,562 when I ran into Alexa Leskeys. 506 00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:59,098 So, Ted, remember the last time we were here? 507 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,099 (chuckles) 508 00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,067 You and me? 509 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,101 No idea. 510 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:05,805 Ted... come on. 511 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,675 Freshman year, we were both pretty drunk? 512 00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:17,750 That was you? 513 00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:18,818 (gasps) 514 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,820 Lily, we never made out. 515 00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,021 I know. 516 00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:25,191 So I am not Too Much Tongue Guy. 517 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:26,259 Actually... 518 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,560 (whispering): No. 519 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:36,202 Look what I've confiscated from some kids. 520 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,236 Whoa... 521 00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:39,806 That is a fat sandwich. 522 00:20:39,872 --> 00:20:42,074 I know, right? 523 00:20:42,141 --> 00:20:45,578 (all chuckling) 524 00:20:47,647 --> 00:20:51,684 Chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow. 525 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:52,685 (laughs) 526 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,387 (laughing) 527 00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:57,223 Oh, that's all right, honey. 528 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,792 Sandwiches are strong these days. 529 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,394 I can't believe I used to be able to eat 530 00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,396 a whole sandwich by myself. 531 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,633 Now it's like two bites and I am done. 532 00:21:06,699 --> 00:21:08,835 Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage? 533 00:21:08,901 --> 00:21:10,670 Dude, we're 42. 534 00:21:10,737 --> 00:21:12,772 (all chuckling) 535 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:16,776 (laughing): W-W-Where's my wife? 536 00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:18,911 (all laughing)