1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,604 TED: It was Saturday night in New York City, 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:06,774 and the young metropolitan set was out on the town, living 3 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:07,941 the kind of crazy lifestyle 4 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:09,543 you can only find in the Big Apple. 5 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,079 97. 97. 6 00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,913 98. 98. 7 00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,615 99. 99. 8 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,284 100! 9 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,751 (shouting and cheering) 10 00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:18,819 LILY: A hundred? 11 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,854 We only got to 82 on our honeymoon. 12 00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,323 (laughing) LILY: So, Robin? 13 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,292 Mm? I've got a guy for you. 14 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:24,825 Oh? 15 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:25,893 He's cute. 16 00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:26,927 He's funny. He's smart. 17 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:28,929 What's his "but"? What do you mean? 18 00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,398 When someone wants to set you up, 19 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,166 they always tell you their good qualities first, 20 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,901 but then they leave out their huge flaw. 21 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:36,404 She's totally hot and really fun. 22 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,306 BARNEY: But she has a dead tooth. 23 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:41,309 She's super-hot, and she's so successful. 24 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,043 But she has a pug 25 00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:44,878 that she pushes around in a stroller. 26 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:47,815 She's so cute, and she's so smart. 27 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,016 But her last boyfriend had 28 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,484 to get a restraining order against her, 29 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,454 and then his cat and new vacuum cleaner both went missing. 30 00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:54,588 Wow! 31 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:55,789 Set it up! 32 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:56,890 I'm still convinced 33 00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:58,526 she killed my turtle. 34 00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:00,994 Hey, you know what? Not every setup has a "but." 35 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,396 What about, um, Jamie, that girl 36 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:03,931 that Lily set you up with? Yeah. 37 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:06,100 She was really nice. If memory serves me, she had a huge "but." 38 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,435 Her huge butt. 39 00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,702 Nailed it! 40 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,271 Yeah. 41 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,072 Well, there's nothing wrong with this guy. 42 00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:13,741 He's really nice, and he's really cute... 43 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:14,775 But? 44 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,244 Fine. 45 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:17,945 But he has a kid. 46 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:19,280 Oh! MARSHALL: Aha! There it is! 47 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,449 Robin's not going out with a guy with a kid. 48 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,851 But the guy is really great, and his kid's sweet. 49 00:01:23,917 --> 00:01:25,085 He's in my class. 50 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,887 It doesn't matter. Robin hates kids. 51 00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,055 I don't hate kids. 52 00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:29,290 MARSHALL: You told me 53 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:31,625 even when you were a kid, you hated kids. 54 00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:32,926 Robin, will you watch 55 00:01:32,993 --> 00:01:34,628 cartoons with me? 56 00:01:34,695 --> 00:01:36,130 I go to school all week. 57 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,165 Can't I just have 58 00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:38,566 five minutes to myself 59 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,834 to read Highlights and drink my juice? 60 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,472 Okay, yes, kids are not my favorite thing 61 00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:46,274 in the world, but I like them. 62 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:48,242 Well, you don't want to have them. 63 00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,478 I like sports cars, but it doesn't mean 64 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:52,980 I want to push a Ferrari through my vagina. 65 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,482 Shotgun. (Marshall laughs) 66 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:57,318 You can't blame us for thinking that the kid would be a problem. 67 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,153 I mean, if we were friends with Garfield, 68 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,222 we wouldn't set him up on a date with Mondays. 69 00:02:01,289 --> 00:02:03,056 (laughter) Nice. 70 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,325 You know what? The kid is not a problem. 71 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:05,359 I want to meet this guy. 72 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,927 Okay. That's awesome! Yeah. 73 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,129 Hey, what's my "but"? 74 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,698 You know, I'm a... 75 00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,267 I'm really nice, but... 76 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,269 TED: But she's afraid of commitment. 77 00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,570 LILY: But she's a gun nut. 78 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,372 BARNEY: But she's Canadian. 79 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:20,073 MARSHALL: But she didn't like Field of Dreams. 80 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,475 I can't think of... (all chattering) 81 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:22,876 You don't have a "but." 82 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:40,160 BARNEY: Okay. 83 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,396 I've got it. Here. Put on this eye patch. 84 00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,731 Why? 85 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:47,167 The ultimate ice-breaker. 86 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:50,037 A bunch of cobras got loose in Central Park. 87 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,306 You and I are jogging... 88 00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:54,908 training for the Death Valley Iron Man. 89 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:56,677 No big deal. We do it every year. 90 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:57,878 Mm-hmm. Suddenly, 91 00:02:57,945 --> 00:03:00,248 we see these snake bastards 92 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,850 sneaking towards a little baby. 93 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:04,685 Not on our watch. 94 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:05,419 You grab the kid, 95 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,988 I strangle six cobras 96 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:10,658 with my bare hands. 97 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:15,463 Women of New York, one at a time, please. 98 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,130 So what are the eye patches for? 99 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,999 We got bit. 100 00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:19,867 On the eye? 101 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,835 Yes. 102 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,170 Both of us? 103 00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,605 They're different eyes. 104 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,740 I don't know see why this bumps you! 105 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,710 Patch up! 106 00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:31,945 TED: So Robin went on a date with George, 107 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:34,147 the guy with the kid, and afterwards... 108 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,283 Okay, here's the thing. 109 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,650 George is 110 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:37,818 a great guy. 111 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,119 We had a wonderful date. 112 00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:40,354 But? 113 00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:43,056 Great. I can't wait to meet him. 114 00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:44,425 "Can't wait to meet him"? 115 00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:45,659 Why did I say that? 116 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,961 I don't want to meet his kid. Well, you knew 117 00:03:48,028 --> 00:03:49,463 you'd meet him sooner or later. 118 00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,265 Oh. I was just hoping for later, 119 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,600 like in 20 years 120 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,835 when I'm a cougar and he's as hot as his dad. 121 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,069 Robin, what's the big deal? 122 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,204 He's just a kid. 123 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:59,106 He's not going to bite. 124 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,308 He may bite. 125 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,075 We're working on biting. 126 00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:03,477 Why is this kid around anyway? 127 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,912 Shouldn't he be with his mom? 128 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,415 I mean, what kind of lawyer does this guy have 129 00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:10,183 if he has to take care of the kid all the time? 130 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,452 A good one. 131 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,920 He won full custody. 132 00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,423 He won?! He won? 133 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:18,326 Oh, God, getting the kid is winning, isn't it? 134 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,862 Don't tell anyone I said that. 135 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,230 Mm. No. 136 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,466 I'm going out buying eye patches. 137 00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:27,468 What are you doing to help score chicks? 138 00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,703 Okay, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. 139 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,305 People with real game don't need eye patches. 140 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:34,207 Oh. Theodore. 141 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:35,543 No, no, no. 142 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:38,145 You can't spell "game" without me, 143 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:41,782 and me has the best game. 144 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:42,850 Yeah, well, 145 00:04:42,916 --> 00:04:45,453 I got so much game, I'm Cornish game hen. 146 00:04:45,519 --> 00:04:48,489 Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State gaming commissioner. 147 00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:49,723 Well, I'm The Game. 148 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,359 Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller 149 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,960 starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn. 150 00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,362 Wow. 151 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:57,130 Wow. You're here 152 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,367 and not in stall two. 153 00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:00,501 Yeah. So? 154 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:03,303 I may have made some 155 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:05,673 wildly inappropriate homoerotic comments 156 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:07,908 to a gentleman wearing your shoes. 157 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:11,144 Okay, Marshall? Yes. 158 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,080 Which one of us has more game? 159 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,717 Neither of you guys has any game, right? 160 00:05:16,784 --> 00:05:18,686 Or else you'd be married like me. 161 00:05:19,387 --> 00:05:20,153 What? 162 00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,589 If dating is the game, 163 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,891 then marriage is winning the game. 164 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:26,660 Yeah. If you're playing in the women's league. 165 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:27,861 MARSHALL: You're joking. 166 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,697 I have mad game, brah. 167 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:31,732 Okay, one: 168 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:33,967 we agreed not to ever say "brah" anymore. 169 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,004 It was a good week, we had a lot of fun, 170 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:38,539 but it's over. 171 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:39,507 Two: 172 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,942 you've been with Lily for 11 years. 173 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,411 Your idea of good game 174 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:45,779 is slapping on a Dr. Seuss hat 175 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:48,849 and flashing two tickets to a Spin Doctors concert. 176 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:50,217 TED: Yeah, I hate to say it, buddy, 177 00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:51,552 but, uh, you're kind of irrelevant. 178 00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:53,253 What? I am not irrelevant. 179 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:54,522 I know tons of stuff. 180 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,056 I can help you guys. 181 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,225 I don't want to be left out. 182 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,260 Ted, you do not have more game than me. 183 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:01,395 By sheer numbers 184 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:02,596 alone, I win. 185 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,532 Come on, dude. You've seen my list. 186 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:05,799 You guys want to hear one of my lines? 187 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,501 First of all, I did not ask to see that list, 188 00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,136 and I am still horrified. 189 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,237 And true game 190 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,640 is about quality, not quantity, 191 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,409 and a quality girl would pick me over you any day. 192 00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,777 Are you a model? 193 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:18,912 That one's good because it's flattering. 194 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,147 To the girl. 195 00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:22,115 Ted, 196 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:26,487 I challenge you to a picking up girls Olympiad. 197 00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:28,255 Fine. There will be 26 events 198 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:29,523 spread out over 11 weeks. 199 00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:31,358 We will travel to a neutral city 200 00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:32,726 where a panel of international judges... 201 00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,562 Or we could just choose a girl, 202 00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:36,597 and the first one to seal the deal wins? 203 00:06:36,664 --> 00:06:37,798 That's good, too. Mm-hmm. 204 00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:40,100 How about her? 205 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:41,935 You're on. 206 00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,037 Before we start, 207 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,273 why don't we jot down a few basic ground rules? 208 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,208 Okay, great. Rule #1: no eye patches 209 00:06:48,275 --> 00:06:49,643 or props of any... 210 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,813 MARSHALL: One time, 211 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,616 I was with this girl, and I tried that model line, 212 00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,118 and I totally got some over-the-shirt boob action 213 00:06:58,185 --> 00:06:59,820 in the "Just Say No" assembly. 214 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:00,821 Man, just stop. 215 00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:02,590 You're bumming everybody out. 216 00:07:05,158 --> 00:07:06,960 Rule number two-- 217 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,629 this bet is for one million dollars. 218 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:09,930 (Marshall laughs) 219 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:11,865 I win. 220 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:12,666 How? 221 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:13,967 Oh, I slept with her. 222 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,102 About a year ago. 223 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,236 I just forgot. 224 00:07:16,303 --> 00:07:18,305 Oh, well, that doesn't count. 225 00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,107 The bet started the moment we shook. 226 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:22,976 But I can't sleep with her again. She hates me. 227 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,311 Oh. Interesting. 228 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,813 Look who just took a commanding lead. 229 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,516 Now with you out of the picture, I can take my sweet time. 230 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,249 Ted, she's leaving. 231 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,519 Get out of my way. 232 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:32,886 By the look 233 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,556 of those shoes, here comes your bathroom buddy. 234 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,197 Look who's got game. 235 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,036 So, you're a big kids person, huh? 236 00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:50,303 Only the biggest ever. 237 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,539 I think kids are 238 00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,273 so great, 239 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,242 especially, um, the little ones. 240 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,745 You know, uh... pudgy, 241 00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:00,013 can't sit up, don't have teeth yet. 242 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:00,748 You mean babies? 243 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,449 Yeah, I like that kind. 244 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,552 Well, Doug's almost six, so... 245 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,853 Oh, six is great. 246 00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:07,721 Oh, you are going to love six. 247 00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:10,190 Six is when they, uh, they really start to, um... 248 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:14,027 I hate kids. 249 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:15,328 Excuse me. What? 250 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:16,864 I mean, I don't hate kids. 251 00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,666 I'm-I'm just not a kid person. 252 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:21,468 I mean, yeah, it's cute that their shoes are real little, 253 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:23,571 but beyond that, what's the draw? 254 00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,473 You must think I'm nuts. 255 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,641 What? No, no, no. I... 256 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,076 So you don't like kids, so what? 257 00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,077 And I'm not looking 258 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,645 for a mother for Doug. 259 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,147 Uh, why don't we just hold off on you meeting him? 260 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:35,415 Yeah. 261 00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:37,217 Let's take things slow. 262 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:39,720 TED: And kids, that's exactly what she did. 263 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:42,856 Then, on a totally different day 264 00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:44,558 that was definitely not the next morning, 265 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,294 Aunt Robin had to face her worst fear. 266 00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,265 Hey, what's up? 267 00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,466 It's here, Lily. 268 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,668 It's looking at me. 269 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:56,103 LILY: What? 270 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,971 The kid. What do I do? 271 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,607 Just talk to him. You can do this, Robin. 272 00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:00,941 Who are you? 273 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:04,111 Um, I'm Robin. 274 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,078 That's a bird's name. 275 00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,246 Ah, no, it's not. 276 00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:07,414 It's actually a type of bird. 277 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,451 My friend Patrick has a parakeet named Robin, so there. 278 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,486 Do you want to talk in Morse code? 279 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,888 Dude, I'm-I'm just reading my paper, so... 280 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,056 Beep. 281 00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:17,257 Beep-beep-beep. 282 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,626 Beep. 283 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:20,761 Beep. Beep...! 284 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,932 I'm starving. Will you make me cereal? 285 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,567 Sure. 286 00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:28,802 What are you doing? You're supposed 287 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,970 to pour the milk first. 288 00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,571 What?! No, you pour the cereal first 289 00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:33,273 so you know how much milk you need. 290 00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,875 It tastes better milk first! 291 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,577 It all tastes the same once it's in the bowl. 292 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,346 Why are you wearing my dad's pants? 293 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,181 Milk first it is. 294 00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,384 What are you reading? 295 00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,486 The business section. 296 00:09:46,553 --> 00:09:48,388 The Fed's going to lower rates again 297 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:49,990 to bail out these sub-prime lenders. 298 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,258 Bunch of idiots. 299 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,194 Ms. Aldrin says it's not nice to call people names. 300 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,029 Well, maybe if they weren't such idiots, 301 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,131 I wouldn't have to call them that. 302 00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:00,333 That's what I said. 303 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:01,568 You're pretty cool. 304 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,336 You, too. 305 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,240 TED: Meanwhile, Stacey and I had started dating. 306 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,242 Oh, Stacey was the girl from the bar. 307 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,511 Anyway, I was close to winning the bet 308 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,646 when something unexpected happened. 309 00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:15,548 I started to really like her. 310 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,717 Well, have fun in yoga. 311 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:17,885 She's strengthening her core. 312 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,687 I think that's going to be good. 313 00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,488 Yeah? All right. 314 00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:23,490 After a while, crocodile. 315 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:25,425 (laughs) 316 00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,526 You see this? 317 00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,161 Game face. 318 00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:29,997 Whatever, Ted. Oh. 319 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:31,198 Get this. 320 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:32,399 She plays bass 321 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,001 in a reggae band. 322 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:36,136 They're having a show this Friday. 323 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:37,370 How cool is that? 324 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,039 Oh, does she know that one song? 325 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,474 * Mm-mm, chaka, mm-mm, chaka. * 326 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,976 What's that song called? 327 00:10:43,043 --> 00:10:46,613 Oh, right. It's called every reggae song. 328 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,215 I am not irrelevant. What? 329 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,182 I ran the numbers. 330 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,285 If Lily and I have sex twice a week, 331 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,354 which let's be honest, we all know is being conservative, 332 00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,723 and we've been together 333 00:10:55,789 --> 00:10:57,157 for ten years, 334 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:00,393 plus 17 more times on the honeymoon, 335 00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,230 minus the two-week drought when I said the checker 336 00:11:03,296 --> 00:11:05,465 at the grocery store reminded me of a young Lily, 337 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:08,368 then we have had sex a total of-- 338 00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,570 wait for it-- Nice. 339 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:13,406 1,053-1/2 times. 340 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:15,642 My mom called once. 341 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,310 But that's more times than Barney 342 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,780 has ever had sex, and to your point, Ted, 343 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,281 Lily is a quality girl. 344 00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,449 I win. 345 00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,917 Lawyered. 346 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,620 Doesn't count. 347 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,556 It totally counts. 348 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:30,623 You're right. It does count. 349 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,725 It counts as one. 350 00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,226 You've had sex once. 351 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:34,327 How was it? 352 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,899 I still matter. 353 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:43,003 Okay, Ted, go win the bet. 354 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,106 You have my blessing. She's a wonderful girl. 355 00:11:46,173 --> 00:11:47,474 I should know. 356 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,809 Oh, okay. 357 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,710 Okay, I see what you're doing. 358 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,513 We've never shared a woman, have we, Ted? 359 00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:54,714 Isn't that funny? 360 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:55,749 You're with her now. 361 00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,150 I was with her a year ago. 362 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,120 You figure, for her, that's like 200 showers ago. 363 00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,855 You've got to ask yourself, Ted, 364 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,623 "Is 200 enough?" 365 00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,525 You know what? 366 00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:06,827 I don't mind. 367 00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,528 No, of course you don't mind. 368 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:10,163 Just like the second guy to climb 369 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,299 Mount Everest didn't mind getting all the way to the top 370 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,968 only to find Sir Edmund Hillary's flagpole 371 00:12:15,035 --> 00:12:17,270 thrust into its supple peak. 372 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,639 No, I'm sure when you're with her, 373 00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,274 I'll be the furthest thing from your mind. 374 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:23,710 Kissing what I've already kissed, 375 00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:26,513 nuzzling what I've already nuzzled, 376 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,181 going (blubbering) 377 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:31,819 on what I've already gone (blubbering) on. 378 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:34,154 Barney, I'm not afraid 379 00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,623 of catching your cooties, 'kay? 380 00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,926 Really? Ted's not afraid of cooties? 381 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,894 No. Okay, well, then I guess you'd have no problem 382 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:42,462 having a sip of my gin and tonic. 383 00:12:42,529 --> 00:12:44,464 Fine. 384 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,069 (chuckles) 385 00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,404 And I only stirred that with my pinky. 386 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:56,676 Guess who loves Robin. 387 00:12:56,743 --> 00:13:00,580 Kids. Kids love Robin. 388 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,349 Doug thinks I'm pretty cool. 389 00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:03,316 Really, that's great! 390 00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:06,353 You and George, all thanks to me. 391 00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,288 Yeah, I'm going to have to break up with him. 392 00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:09,456 What? 393 00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:11,091 Well, it's just... 394 00:13:11,158 --> 00:13:12,926 it's getting a little bit too serious with the kid. 395 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:14,361 You know, it's just not 396 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:15,996 what I'm looking for. 397 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:19,032 So better I break it off now before he gets too attached. 398 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,868 What? 399 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,436 I hate to tell you, but... 400 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,005 too late. 401 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,577 He drew it in class today. 402 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,545 Oh, crap. 403 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:39,219 There's no way that's a picture of me. 404 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,820 That woman has on hoop earrings. 405 00:13:40,888 --> 00:13:43,223 I don't even own hoop earrings. 406 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,757 I have one pair and they're gold. 407 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,026 Those are fruit loops. 408 00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,128 You are so in denial right now 409 00:13:48,195 --> 00:13:51,064 and you're doing what you always do in relationships: 410 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:54,001 the second you get close to a guy, you want to bail. 411 00:13:54,902 --> 00:13:55,869 Okay, granted, he's six, 412 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,437 but the point stands. 413 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,973 Well, we'll ask the guys. 414 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,774 They'll tell you that's not me. 415 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,076 That's totally you. 416 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,012 Wh... you guys are crazy. 417 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,646 Hey, who drew the picture of Robin? 418 00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:07,680 It's not me. 419 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:08,715 You're joking, right? 420 00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:10,984 It's not me! "My new mommy." 421 00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,353 Kind of has a nice ring to it. 422 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,122 Hey, now that you're a mom, are you going to start wearing 423 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,690 those totally awesome jeans that go right up to your boobs? 424 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,692 Do you guys really think this is me? 425 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,161 Honey, it's you. 426 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,030 And if you're going to break up with George, 427 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,664 you have to break up with his kid, too. 428 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:25,765 Really? 429 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,700 Yeah, you can't just abandon him. 430 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,236 You have to talk to him. 431 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,103 (groans) 432 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:31,204 Come on, Robin, you know 433 00:14:31,271 --> 00:14:32,572 it's the right thing to do. 434 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,474 Oh, man. 435 00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,944 Doug was right: You are a pain in the ass. 436 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,914 So I had a really nice time tonight. 437 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,049 Me, too. 438 00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,984 Yeah? Mm-hmm. 439 00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:48,455 BARNEY: Hey, Ted, pucker up all you want, 440 00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,958 but I was here first. 441 00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,126 (maniacal laughter) 442 00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:01,834 BARNEY: From this spot, I also launched 443 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:04,972 an expedition to those two large ridges 444 00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,374 down there. 445 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,875 (laughing) 446 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:11,011 (blubbering) 447 00:15:17,784 --> 00:15:19,786 Ted? 448 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,922 Something wrong? 449 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,893 Hey, Doug. 450 00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,428 Are you here to see my dad? 451 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,762 He's taking a shower. 452 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,931 Actually, I came to see you. 453 00:15:31,999 --> 00:15:33,066 I wrote a poem. 454 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,601 Do you want to hear it? 455 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:35,702 Sure. Why not? 456 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,537 "To my new mommy. 457 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,807 "You are pretty. 458 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:42,742 "You are nice. 459 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:44,711 And you smell like daisies." 460 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,313 Aw, that is so sweet. 461 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,415 (sotto voce): Even though it doesn't rhyme. 462 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:50,550 Look, uh, Doug. 463 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,453 There's no good way to say this, uh... 464 00:15:53,520 --> 00:15:56,056 Aunt Robin didn't know what to say. 465 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,258 This kid has never been dumped before. 466 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,193 But then she realized... 467 00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:03,030 this kid had never been dumped before. 468 00:16:03,096 --> 00:16:04,964 She could use every cliché in the book. 469 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:06,133 We need to talk. 470 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:08,301 I just think, um, 471 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,703 we both could use some space right now. 472 00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,605 It's not you. It's me. 473 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,642 I know this hurts, but you deserve someone better. 474 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:19,346 I'm just really trying to focus on my career right now. 475 00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:20,880 You know? 476 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,749 I just hope we can still be friends. 477 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,317 (knocking) 478 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,058 Hi. I'm Brooke. 479 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,459 I'm here for my date with George. 480 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:33,726 You must be 481 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:35,328 the babysitter. 482 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,035 I had so much coffee earlier. 483 00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:43,770 I need to run to the loo, but hey, Dougie. 484 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:49,542 What the hell was that? 485 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,878 That was my new mom. 486 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:55,448 So... this picture is not of me? 487 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,617 Why would I draw a picture of you? 488 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:59,486 Wha...? 489 00:16:59,552 --> 00:17:01,421 How many dates has she been on with your dad? 490 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,589 Two. 491 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,656 I've been on, like, five 492 00:17:03,723 --> 00:17:04,791 and you like her better? 493 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,826 We just really connected. 494 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,228 And what about me? 495 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:10,597 You think I just go around pouring cereal 496 00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,132 for every boy in town? 497 00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,867 Why are you getting so upset, Roberta? 498 00:17:14,934 --> 00:17:17,237 Robin. My name is Robin. 499 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,072 Like the bird, remember? 500 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,208 Whatever. 501 00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,310 So that's it, huh? 502 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:27,114 Look, you're great, but... 503 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:29,249 Yeah. There's always a "but." 504 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:31,984 Well, I couldn't do it. 505 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,353 I broke up with her. 506 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,954 Thanks a lot, by the way. 507 00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,523 A beautiful, sexy girl 508 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,858 and all I could think about was you being there first. 509 00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:41,261 You were stuck in my head like a Chumbawamba song. 510 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:44,764 Which Chumbawamba song? 511 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:49,169 Well, what an interesting turn of events. 512 00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:51,504 It looks like I'm going to win. 513 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,306 What do you mean "win"? You couldn't even talk to her. 514 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,941 You tried and you got slapped. Mm-hmm. 515 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,176 That's what you think happened. 516 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:57,344 Okay, great, rule #1: 517 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,779 no eye patches or props of any... 518 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,748 Here's the deal: my friend just got dumped, so he's a little shy, 519 00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,816 but he'd love to buy you a drink and get to know you. 520 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,852 The problem is, he thinks a pretty girl like you won't go for a guy like him. 521 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,454 So would you slap me across the face so he can see 522 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,788 you're not into guys who'd feed you lines? 523 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:09,822 What do you say? For my friend? 524 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,624 You are so sweet. 525 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,427 So now, whatever nice things 526 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:15,995 Ted does for her, in her mind, 527 00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,864 I'm the guy who's even nicer than him. 528 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,031 So you never slept with her? 529 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,900 Not even at all. 530 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,035 Wow, that's good. 531 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,271 It gets better. 532 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,838 Remember Ted's phone conversation? 533 00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,440 Well, have fun in yoga. 534 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:28,541 Well... 535 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,544 I am... Sorry. 536 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,180 Stacey, right? 537 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,882 Yeah... oh, you're Ted's friend from the bar, right? 538 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,084 Yeah. Wait, don't tell me you go to yoga here, too. 539 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:39,319 I do. 540 00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:42,455 She plays bass in a reggae band. 541 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:44,691 ...and then I'm going to head out to a reggae concert. 542 00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:45,658 I'm a huge fan of reggae. 543 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:46,959 Oh, my gosh! 544 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,628 I play in a reggae band. 545 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:49,829 No way. 546 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,298 I wonder why Ted didn't tell me about that. 547 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:53,833 Like I said, I'm a huge reggae fan. 548 00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,169 Well... I should go inside. 549 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:57,604 After a while, crocodile. 550 00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:59,539 See you later, allig... See you later, allig... 551 00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,040 We are two peas. 552 00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:02,242 (laughing) 553 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,076 Wow, well, take care. 554 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,679 Um, namaste. 555 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,221 You are a sociopath. 556 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:15,788 And that was my yoga mat. 557 00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,224 (chuckles) 558 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:18,458 So now with Ted out of the picture, 559 00:19:18,525 --> 00:19:20,627 I'm going to swoop in and win the whole thing. 560 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:24,030 Why? Parce que j'ai le jeu, mes chiennes. 561 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:25,932 Translation: 562 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,601 "'Cause I got game, bitches." 563 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,238 No. No, this doesn't prove anything because... 564 00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,705 (ringing) Hold on a second. 565 00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,106 It's Stacey. 566 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,975 Hey, Stace? 567 00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,277 What happened? 568 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:39,946 He did not! 569 00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:41,848 Stay there. 570 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,450 I'll be right over. 571 00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,821 I should've just worn that stupid eye patch. 572 00:19:50,857 --> 00:19:53,460 Oh, I can't believe you got dumped by a six-year-old. 573 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,463 Whatever. He's a stupid-head. 574 00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:58,531 I'm just... I'm done with kids. 575 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,534 Of course, Robin eventually made her peace with kids. 576 00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,570 And as you guys know, she went on to appear 577 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:06,373 in some very important works of art: yours. 578 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,741 * Well, things are changing quite a bit * 579 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,143 * I don't know how it's come to this * 580 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,413 * I thought that we were better off * 581 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,615 * We're worse than sitting on the fence * 582 00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,749 * Can't keep crying about the way... * 583 00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,554 (strums guitar) 584 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,426 Hey. 585 00:20:26,493 --> 00:20:27,960 You know, I really appreciate 586 00:20:28,027 --> 00:20:30,096 how cool you've been about us taking things slow. 587 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,264 (grumbles) 588 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,699 Since Ted, you know, I... 589 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,367 I don't really want to get physical too fast. 590 00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:37,770 That's what makes you so special, baby. 591 00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,606 Anyway, I am so psyched 592 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,341 to be playing Sunsplash tomorrow. 593 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,576 We go on sometime between 11:00 and 6:00, 594 00:20:43,643 --> 00:20:46,746 so you probably want to get there before 9:00 just to be safe. 595 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:49,882 Oh, and it's gonna be muddy. 596 00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:57,223 * * 597 00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,326 * Jump up, jump up, and turn around * 598 00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:01,628 * Work your body now up and down * 599 00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,896 * Jump up, jump up, and turn around * 600 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,333 * To the rhythm that's going round... *