1 00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:03,504 TED: Kids, I know you think that you've heard every story 2 00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,306 from back before I met your mother, 3 00:00:05,339 --> 00:00:07,075 but there are some stories you tell 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,043 and some stories you don't. 5 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,144 (breathless): Oh, my God!... 6 00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:12,513 (speaking gibberish) Oh, my God... 7 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:14,415 Use your words, Ted. 8 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:17,017 Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt. 9 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:17,818 The belt? 10 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:18,852 The belt. 11 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,054 But that's impossible. 12 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,655 You were up here less than half an hour ago. 13 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:22,823 (grunts) 14 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,392 (grunts) 15 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,227 (groans) Yes! Advantage-- Ericksen. 16 00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:29,130 Don't get cocky. Wimbledon lasts a fortnight. 17 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,364 "Fortnight." 18 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:31,799 British words are so cool. 19 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,867 Plus, did you know lawyers there get to wear wigs? 20 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,703 I wear a wig to work, I'm a jackass. 21 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,371 TED: All right. 22 00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,672 I'm ready. Let's hit it. 23 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:40,174 We can't go. Tournament. 24 00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:41,575 What? We agreed. I suited up... 25 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,177 You take too long to get ready. 26 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,645 What are you talking about? 27 00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,347 I got the low maintenance, just-rolled-out-of-bed look. 28 00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,715 Yeah, which takes an hour and a half 29 00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:50,384 of waxing, tugging and teasing to achieve. 30 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,919 And then he starts on his hair. 31 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,854 Ace! (feigned laughter) 32 00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:55,223 Look, are we going or not? 33 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,590 Just go without us. We'll be there in five minutes. 34 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,525 Really? 35 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:58,459 Yes! Yes! 36 00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,194 All right, I'm going down to the bar. 37 00:01:00,228 --> 00:01:01,195 I'm ordering three beers. 38 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:02,396 I'll see you guys in five minutes. 39 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,298 Three beers, five minutes. 40 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,066 Wii ANNOUNCER: Love-30! (door closes) 41 00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,735 Thanks for lending me these boots. 42 00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:08,869 Where'd you get them from? 43 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,472 This store in the Village had one of those crazy sales. 44 00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,274 It was a footwear feeding frenzy. 45 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,143 (shrieking and shouting) 46 00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,877 I saw it first! 47 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:18,212 (screams) 48 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,781 You just made the list, bitch! 49 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,350 So many questions. 50 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,318 Firstly, what do you think would happen 51 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,520 if a guy walked into that store wearing a suit of boots? 52 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,889 You look fantastic in them, Robin. 53 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:31,825 But don't you think they're a little high for that dress? 54 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,194 Well, that's the point: it's to hide that fact 55 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,495 that I haven't shaved my legs. 56 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,430 I've begun a strict no-shave policy 57 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,798 for the first three dates. 58 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,066 It's all about self-control. 59 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:41,535 If I don't shave, I must behave. 60 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,371 FYI: It doesn't matter, baby. 61 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,738 Guys just want to get on the green. 62 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,141 They don't mind going through the rough. 63 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,909 Shh-clackey! (phone ringing) 64 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:50,444 Stinson. 65 00:01:50,478 --> 00:01:52,246 All right, the beers are here. 66 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,381 BARNEY: Yeah, we're not going to make it. 67 00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,216 Oh, come on! We agreed... 68 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,050 Did Marshall take his pants off? 69 00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:58,085 Yeah, pants are off. 70 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,620 This is Wimbledon, Ted. 71 00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:02,423 I need the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. 72 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,491 Cheerio! 73 00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,359 Fine. 74 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:06,894 I don't need friends. 75 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,229 I got you guys. 76 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,097 You guys are my friends, 77 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,200 my cold refreshing friends. 78 00:02:12,233 --> 00:02:14,535 I'm talking to beer. 79 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:17,205 Ted? Trudy. 80 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,440 Trudy. 81 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,343 Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since... 82 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,945 (moaning ecstatically) 83 00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,215 I slept with you and then climbed down the fire escape. 84 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:29,016 That was you? 85 00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:32,220 I'm kidding. I was super-wasted. 86 00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,788 These are not all for me. 87 00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:37,891 No, I was going to call you, but I was so embarrassed. 88 00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:39,159 You were embarrassed? 89 00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,328 I was like, "I really like this guy, 90 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,895 "and now I'm climbing out his window, 91 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,964 and I forgot my underwear..." 92 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,065 Those were yours? 93 00:02:45,098 --> 00:02:46,334 God, I thought they felt kind of tight. 94 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,302 I'm kidding. I don't wear underwear. 95 00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,903 Ladies' underwear. 96 00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:50,771 Often. 97 00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,873 Ah! Again, I'm kidding. 98 00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:55,276 I'm so glad I ran into you. 99 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:56,944 I know. Do you want to...? Trudy?! 100 00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,712 No way! 101 00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,180 Oh, my God! Rachel, how are you? 102 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:03,116 (both shrieking and laughing) 103 00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:04,785 Ted, this is Rachel. 104 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,086 Hi! 105 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,222 Kappa Epsilon Gamma! Kappa Epsilon Gamma! 106 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,690 Whoo! Whoo! 107 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:11,292 Wait, let me guess. You guys met in prison. 108 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,593 (laughing) 109 00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,896 No! We were sorority sisters. 110 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,399 And best friends forever all sophomore year. 111 00:03:18,432 --> 00:03:20,067 When we weren't at each other's throats. 112 00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,502 We could be so competitive. 113 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:23,237 Uh, but that's all behind us now. 114 00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,506 (chanting): Hey, mista! Hey, mista! 115 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:26,974 Stay away from my sista! Stay away from my sista! 116 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,076 Whoo! Whoo! 117 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:30,611 We have so much catching up to do. 118 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,145 Okay. Are you going to Stacey's wedding? 119 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:33,747 Oh, it's off. Apparently, he's into dudes. 120 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,983 Nah! Again?! That's like her third one. 121 00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,385 TRUDY: I know! 122 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,952 Well, beers, what do you want to do? 123 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,521 We could stay here... 124 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,923 or I know this other place called "My Belly." 125 00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,092 So, Trudy and I got a table. 126 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,794 Oh, that's cool. I was going to get out of here anyway. 127 00:03:46,827 --> 00:03:47,895 I'm really tired. 128 00:03:47,928 --> 00:03:49,863 I want you to stay. 129 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:52,766 Tired of people who fold early, 'cause I am wide awake! 130 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,769 (giggles) 131 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,706 Okay, guys... be cool. 132 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,823 Ka-zowie! Aah! 133 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,291 You've been vanquished, old bean. 134 00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:18,959 That's 'cause you distracted me. 135 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,962 You've been hanging crumpet ever since the third set. 136 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,998 (phone rings) 137 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,834 Ah... Stinson. 138 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,769 I've got a situation. 139 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,872 Trudy is here-- you know, from the pineapple incident? 140 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:33,741 Oh, you mean the girl that chalked your pool cue 141 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,676 and then snuck down the fire escape? 142 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,744 Respect. 143 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,646 So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up 144 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,714 and they're kind of competitive. 145 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:41,849 I think the new girl's kind of into me. 146 00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:44,752 So you now have two on the line? 147 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:45,953 And I don't know which one to go for. 148 00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,020 Go for the new girl! 149 00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,623 Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove. 150 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,191 New girl? What new girl? 151 00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,493 Two girls are allegedly vying 152 00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,961 for Ted's affections, and I think... 153 00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:55,763 Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. 154 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:56,964 Give it to me. 155 00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,165 Are they friends? 156 00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,500 Yeah. Uh, no-- I-I don't know. They're old sorority sisters. 157 00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,168 Are they Betas? 158 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,437 Because they're all sluts, and you can tell them right now 159 00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:05,439 I didn't want to be in their sorority anyway. 160 00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,508 They're Kappas, and... 161 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:08,876 I think I can score with one of them. 162 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:09,877 I don't know which one, 163 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,612 and if I chose wrong, I lose them both. 164 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,046 Okay, well, don't worry. 165 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:14,382 I'll-I'll come down and help you figure it out. 166 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,618 I thought we were in for the evening? 167 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,253 That's what I thought about your bangers and mash down there, 168 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,789 but I guess we're both wrong, guv'na. 169 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,226 Hey. Oh, Ted. Okay... 170 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,861 Settle an argument. Mm-hmm. 171 00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:30,130 Is it stealing if you go out with someone's boyfriend 172 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,599 after they've broken up? 173 00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,233 Well, that's very complicated... 174 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,768 See?! He agrees with me. 175 00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,737 You're such a little man-thief. 176 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,639 You're the man-thief, man-thief. 177 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,008 Oh, somebody should lock you girls up. 178 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,376 (giggling) 179 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,211 You're so funny. 180 00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:46,447 I think Ted is funny. 181 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,684 Really? I think Ted is hilarious. 182 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,220 (phone rings) I am never not wearing a suit again. 183 00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:54,488 Hello? 184 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,756 It's me. I'm at the bar. 185 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,257 Don't look. Just call me "Mom." 186 00:05:57,290 --> 00:06:00,628 Uh, hey, Mom. How's Dad's... colon? 187 00:06:00,661 --> 00:06:02,996 What? What's the matter with you? 188 00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:06,600 Anyway, both of these girls are into you; take your pick. 189 00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:08,902 They are? Are you sure? Yes, of course. 190 00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:11,071 They're playing with their hair and touching your arm. 191 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,406 Classic green light. 192 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:14,307 Are you positive? 193 00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:16,977 Oh, that is so fascinating. 194 00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,311 So what happened? 195 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:20,113 Well, after 18 hours of surgery, 196 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:21,148 I closed, and, thankfully, 197 00:06:21,181 --> 00:06:23,551 both girls just celebrated their second birthday. 198 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:26,587 Wow. Gosh, separating conjoined twins, 199 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:30,057 that must be the most amazing feeling. 200 00:06:30,090 --> 00:06:31,625 True, but now the parents don't know what to do 201 00:06:31,659 --> 00:06:33,827 with their huge supply of four-legged overalls. 202 00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,430 (laughs)... That is so funny. 203 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,099 You're so funny. 204 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,669 LILY: Positive. They both want you bad. 205 00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:44,472 It's a clearance sale and you're the boots, baby. 206 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:47,508 Oh, it's Robin. Good luck. 207 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:48,809 Bye, Mom. 208 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:51,178 That's my mom. 209 00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:51,945 Hello? 210 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:52,680 Bring me a razor. 211 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,615 What about the no-shave rule? 212 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:56,484 What happened to your convictions? 213 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:59,653 They've been surgically removed by Dr. Awesome. 214 00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:00,921 No, I'm not doing it. 215 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,856 The whole point to not shaving was to... 216 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,257 Lily, please! He's really cute, 217 00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,860 and I really like him, and he's got a British accent. 218 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:08,361 I'm on my way. 219 00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:11,164 So this college boyfriend, who won him? 220 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,766 Neither of us. 221 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:15,235 He left. Junior year abroad. 222 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,337 It's really too bad, 'cause... 223 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:21,542 there was that one thing we wanted to do. 224 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,976 We were going to do... 225 00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,078 but we never did. 226 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:28,315 Why? Wait, what were you guys going to do but never did? 227 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:29,550 No, it's too embarrassing. 228 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:30,918 You tell him. No, you tell him. 229 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:31,852 No, I don't care if you don't care. 230 00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,153 Well, I don't care. I just... 231 00:07:33,186 --> 00:07:35,355 Nobody cares! Just say it. 232 00:07:35,388 --> 00:07:38,091 Why don't we tell him together. 233 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,459 Okay. 234 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,928 On three. 235 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,930 One... 236 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,932 Well, he's right: it's a dead heat. 237 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,634 ...two... 238 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:47,935 Neither one is giving ground. 239 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,003 I could not tell who was the third wheel. 240 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,338 ...three. 241 00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,040 It's a tricycle. 242 00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,075 No way, no way, no way! 243 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,276 What's happening? 244 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,645 It's a tricycle. 245 00:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,547 No way, no way, no way. 246 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,748 It's a tricycle. 247 00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,349 Well, I'll just say it right now. 248 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:04,351 All sorority girls are sluts. 249 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:06,086 Put him on speaker. 250 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,320 So what you're saying to us right now 251 00:08:07,354 --> 00:08:09,890 is that you have a shot at the belt? 252 00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:11,258 Wait-wait-wait. What belt? 253 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,760 Well, Barney and I have 254 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,427 this running joke that the first guy to actually pull this off 255 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:16,129 would "win" the championship belt. 256 00:08:16,163 --> 00:08:19,166 Oh, so it's a metaphorical belt, right? 257 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,869 Behold... 258 00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:23,937 You actually bought a belt. 259 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:25,806 That's right. It's resplendent. 260 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,775 Come on, it was just a thing we said. 261 00:08:27,808 --> 00:08:29,442 We were kidding around. 262 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:30,811 I never kid. 263 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,012 Remember you said if I ever slept with that girl 264 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,981 from Days of Our Lives, I'd be the king? 265 00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:35,849 Well... 266 00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,221 Why wasn't I told about the belt? 267 00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,355 I could go for the belt. 268 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:44,291 (Barney, Lily, Ted laugh) 269 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:49,730 If Lily would've died before me, then I could ride the tricycle. 270 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,833 If I died, I would just come back and haunt your penis. 271 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,868 Guys, come on! Help me out. What do I do? 272 00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,771 All right, Ted, if you're going to go for the belt, 273 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,907 then the bylaws require me to ask the following questions: 274 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:03,243 One: Is the aggregate age of all participants under 83? 275 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,244 Yes. 276 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,379 Two: Is the aggregate weight of all participants 277 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,081 under 400 pounds? 278 00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,149 Yes. 279 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,351 Theodore Mosby... 280 00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,653 are you paying these women? 281 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,121 What? No. 282 00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,690 Ted... 283 00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,158 No. Look, I got to go. They're going to think 284 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:20,761 I inherited my dad's imaginary bathroom issues. 285 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,497 Oh, are you guys leaving? 286 00:09:24,531 --> 00:09:27,835 Well, it is getting pretty late. 287 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,903 Right. Well, well, it's been... 288 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,839 Maybe we could all go listen to that Wilco CD 289 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:34,107 you talked about before. 290 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,876 Great! I have it right upstairs. 291 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,612 It's in my apartment upstairs. Let's go upstairs. 292 00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:41,448 I'm sorry. Where was your apartment again? 293 00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:43,383 Ha, that's funny. I love that. 294 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,318 You should tell more jokes in my apartment upstairs. 295 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:53,226 Scenario #12: We're in a horrific car crash. 296 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,062 You die. I'm left paralyzed. 297 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:57,698 Two sexy nurses, with a six-pack of wine coolers, 298 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,899 sneak into my room late at night. 299 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,201 I try to blink at them in Morse code. 300 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:05,172 "Please, don't. I love my dead wife." 301 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:06,774 But they're medical professionals, 302 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:10,010 and I got to think, somehow, they're saving my life. 303 00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:11,879 Fine. Sleep with your nurses. 304 00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,781 Tonight you ride the unicycle. 305 00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,949 I already did this morning. 306 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,820 (phone rings) Hello. 307 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:22,823 Lily, I have pounded three cappuccinos waiting for you. 308 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,157 Pretty soon, I won't have to shave-- 309 00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,626 the hair is going to vibrate off my legs. 310 00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,461 I'm sorry, I can't leave now. 311 00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:29,797 Lily, he can't see my legs like this. 312 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,699 I look like a Turkish lesbian. 313 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,969 There's, um, a pharmacy across the street. 314 00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:37,437 Would 20 bucks buy me a razor? 315 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,106 No, but 50 will. 316 00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,910 (phone beeps) Hold on. Ted's texting me. 317 00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:46,747 "We're combing up-sars." 318 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:48,615 "Combing up-sars." What does that mean? 319 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,818 It means they're coming upstairs. 320 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,988 (laughter) 321 00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,426 Got 'em. 322 00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:00,393 (chuckles nervously) 323 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,832 Ooh! Nice place. 324 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,934 Hey, are these your roommates? 325 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,703 Yes. Uh, yes, but they are not here. 326 00:11:09,737 --> 00:11:11,404 They are somewhere else. 327 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,306 We have total privacy 328 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:17,244 because privacy is essential when you're listening to music. 329 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,748 You know what else is essential when you're listening to music? 330 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,883 Music. 331 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,617 That's hilarious. 332 00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:25,853 You are hilarious! 333 00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,420 I'll go get it in my bedroom. 334 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,756 The CD's in my bedroom. 335 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,157 Bedroom... 336 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,726 Okay. We'll try and stay out of trouble. 337 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,327 Of course, we can't promise anything. 338 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,596 (both giggling) 339 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:39,032 This is going to be awesome. 340 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,471 (whispering loudly): No! 341 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:49,442 (whispering): What are you guys doing here? I've got, I've got, I've got... 342 00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,911 We know, Ted, well done. 343 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,445 This is very impressive. 344 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:54,281 Up top. Yeah, bro, up top. 345 00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,682 Oh, don't be gross. 346 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,616 TED: You guys need to get out of here. 347 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,485 Please, take the fire escape. 348 00:11:58,518 --> 00:11:59,452 No, no way. 349 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,554 The other day I saw a pigeon take a crap on it 350 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:04,624 and the whole thing shifted. 351 00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,093 Oh, you can use our bedroom. 352 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,727 Okay, all I need to seal the deal 353 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,897 is the Wilco CD, Barney. 354 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,267 (gasping) 355 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:15,102 What are you doing?! 356 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,370 I cannot allow Ted to do this. 357 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,305 Wh-what? Why? 358 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,507 Because the belt is my birthright! 359 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:21,975 You cannot claim it before I do. 360 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,845 That would be like Jimmy Olsen capturing Lex Luthor 361 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,014 while Superman watches impotently from the bedroom. 362 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,317 But, Barney, you've done way dirtier stuff than Ted. 363 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,119 You're disgusting. 364 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:34,487 I've never ridden the tricycle. 365 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:36,723 I was on the verge last year. 366 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,258 I was so close. 367 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,093 (all giggling) 368 00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,863 So ladies, why don't we move this party 369 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:46,033 to a more horizontal location? 370 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:47,868 Oh, my God, my new carpet! 371 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:49,236 Oh, my God, this is a disaster. 372 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,938 You get the carpet cleaner. I'll get a towel. 373 00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,439 Okay. I'll get the video camera. 374 00:12:52,472 --> 00:12:54,674 Get out! Okay then. 375 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:55,876 So let me get this straight. 376 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,377 You're going to trike-block me? 377 00:12:57,410 --> 00:13:00,914 That is so petty. It's like you're... 378 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,449 Tom Petty. Tom Petty. 379 00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,516 You're Tom Petty. 380 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,986 Where's Lily? 381 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:10,057 Still looking for that CD, 382 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,524 so... 383 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,295 (whispering): What are you doing? 384 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,364 I knew it. I had a hunch about that girl 385 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,631 and I was right. 386 00:13:18,665 --> 00:13:20,868 (shouting): I saw it first! 387 00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:24,304 You just made the list, bitch. 388 00:13:26,039 --> 00:13:28,808 I cannot give up my bedroom to a boot thief. 389 00:13:28,842 --> 00:13:30,610 She should be punished, not rewarded. 390 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,313 Fine, then I'll try to work in a little light spanking. Just do this for me! 391 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,514 No, never. 392 00:13:34,547 --> 00:13:36,583 What if I reimburse you for the boots, full retail? 393 00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:37,985 Please enjoy our bedroom. Great. 394 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,652 Just take it. 395 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,588 Okay, wish me luck. 396 00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,363 Oh, my God. It looks fine. 397 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,099 You're such a girl. 398 00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,967 Where's the shaving cream? 399 00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,502 Well, you didn't ask me for shaving cream. 400 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:56,569 Well, it was implied. 401 00:13:56,603 --> 00:13:58,538 Who buys a razor without buying shaving cream? 402 00:13:58,571 --> 00:14:00,340 Well, who doesn't shave their legs for a date? 403 00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,742 Well, who's not getting a tip because of her attitude? 404 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,111 Well, here's a little tip for you: 405 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:07,014 shave your legs before you leave the house, Sasquatch. 406 00:14:10,417 --> 00:14:13,086 Hey, Robin, um, the valet's brought the car around. 407 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:14,487 I thought we'd go to my place, 408 00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:16,289 if you're in the mood for a nightcap. 409 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:19,592 Absolutely. I just have to go to the ladies' room. 410 00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,561 I've got TB. 411 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,595 Tiny bladder. 412 00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,165 I'll meet you out front. 413 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,300 Yeah. 414 00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,215 You've got to be kidding me. 415 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:46,586 Excuse me. Sorry. 416 00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,808 So, I'm having a little trouble finding the CD. 417 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:11,244 That's okay. 418 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,281 We don't need music to have fun. 419 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,515 Exactly. 420 00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:20,087 You do like to have fun, don't you, Ted? 421 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:23,123 (heart pounding) 422 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,432 It's getting late. I'll get your coats. 423 00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:38,305 "I'll get your coats"?! 424 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,073 I don't know why I said that. Why'd I say that? 425 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,241 It's the opposite of what I meant. 426 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,942 I wanna take clothes off them, not put more on. 427 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:46,513 Ted, you're ruining this for everyone. 428 00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,780 Leave him alone! 429 00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,249 Sometimes even 430 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,085 the greatest warriors shoot themselves in the foot. 431 00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,686 What are you talking about? 432 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,524 If you must know, it wasn't a freak beverage malfunction 433 00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,027 that stopped me from riding the tricycle that night. 434 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,095 So, Barney, why don't we 435 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,165 take this party to a more horizontal location? 436 00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:09,169 (heart pounding) 437 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:19,679 Oh, no, the night's ruined! 438 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:20,980 No, baby, it's not. 439 00:16:21,014 --> 00:16:23,483 Yes, it is! Whatever this night was heading towards is ruined. 440 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:24,484 Where's my coat? 441 00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,987 Why would you do that to yourself? 442 00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:29,656 Because you get up in your head, man. 443 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,158 You start thinking, 444 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,293 "I can't do this. It's two women." 445 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,462 That's two of everything, four of some things. 446 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:39,232 The logistics alone are enough to cripple even a pro like me. 447 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,101 See, if a complete degenerate like Barney choked, 448 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:42,402 what chance do I have? 449 00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:45,605 The best chance in the world. 450 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:50,443 Fear took the belt from me. 451 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:54,281 Fear rode the tricycle that night, my friends. 452 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:56,883 But fear will not get a second turn. 453 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:59,952 It won't? No. 454 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:03,423 Because I now realize it isn't my destiny to win the belt. 455 00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:06,526 It is my destiny to help my friend win it. 456 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:11,898 Ted is fated to go there first. 457 00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,766 He is our Neil Armstrong. 458 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,469 (laughs): Spacesuit up, Ted, 459 00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:17,804 'cause you're going to the moon. 460 00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,771 Step one. 461 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,009 Ladies. 462 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,644 I couldn't find your coats, 463 00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,879 but I did find... tequila. 464 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,681 (squealing) 465 00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:32,185 Wait, wait, wait, a remote control fireplace? 466 00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,753 We don't have a remote control fireplace. 467 00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,188 Right, that's my apartment. 468 00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,723 The dressing gown's mine, too. 469 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:38,057 Damn, this should be me. 470 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:39,559 Anyway, continuing... 471 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,894 (music playing) 472 00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,830 Whew! (moans) 473 00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:48,168 I am so exhausted. 474 00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:51,438 So exhausted. 475 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,606 Wait, why would I want to tire them out? 476 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,042 That's your excuse to unleash pretext 477 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,677 for physical contact #1. 478 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:04,251 Oh, you give the most amazing foot massage. 479 00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,519 That's 'cause I used to practice 480 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,988 all the time on my grandmother. 481 00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:11,258 Why in God's name would I say that? 482 00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,260 It's endearing. You're a caregiver. 483 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:14,994 Never take family values out of the equation. 484 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,629 Step three. 485 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,199 (sighs) 486 00:18:19,232 --> 00:18:21,434 Ted, what's wrong? 487 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:25,472 I was just thinking about this documentary I saw once 488 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,574 about something called a super volcano. 489 00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,842 Okay, what the hell? 490 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,110 Wait for it. 491 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:32,845 It can happen at anytime. 492 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,516 And obliterate all life on Earth, 493 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,186 which is why I live by three simple words. 494 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:43,890 Don't postpone joy. 495 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,026 Oh, my God. 496 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:48,928 That's so true. 497 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,897 Yeah. 498 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,235 The mortality angle. 499 00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:56,736 That's actually pretty good. 500 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:00,640 I can do this. Yes, you can. 501 00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,909 Yeah. I can't believe I'm going to say this, 502 00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,344 but I'm actually moved. 503 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,612 Bring it in, guys. 504 00:19:09,115 --> 00:19:11,218 All right. 505 00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,489 I'll see you on the other side. 506 00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,438 (giggling) 507 00:19:42,114 --> 00:19:44,251 (giggling) 508 00:19:48,755 --> 00:19:50,790 So what happened next? Did you do it? 509 00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:53,059 It doesn't seem right to talk about it. 510 00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,662 What? No! Tell me. 511 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,131 Don't tell me because you don't have to 512 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,533 because you didn't do it. 513 00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,503 You didn't do it. You did it. 514 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,004 You did it, didn't you? 515 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,406 Did you? 516 00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:07,540 You didn't do it. 517 00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,342 Yes, you did. You did. 518 00:20:09,376 --> 00:20:10,577 No, you didn't. 519 00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:12,445 Tell me! 520 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:15,382 Some stories you tell, some stories you don't. 521 00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,650 That's because you didn't do it. 522 00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,519 He didn't do it. 523 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,187 You did it. You did it, didn't you? 524 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,555 You did it. Tell me, did you? 525 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,757 Ted, belt. Did you? 526 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:25,825 Did you or didn't you? 527 00:20:25,858 --> 00:20:27,327 Did? 528 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,595 Tell me, please. For the love... 529 00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:29,962 Do you know if he did or didn't? 530 00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:33,666 Oh, hey, um, Hmm? 531 00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,935 would you go in there and see if my date's okay? 532 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,003 No problem. 533 00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,671 Thank you. 534 00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:49,716 No, nobody's in there, but the window's actually open. 535 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:51,818 I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. 536 00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:54,053 I mean, she was acting weird all night, right? 537 00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,623 Yeah, you know... (laughs) 538 00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,991 why don't I buy you a drink? 539 00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,693 Okay. 540 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:03,062 Did I overhear that you're a surgeon? 541 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,797 Guilty as charged. 542 00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:05,832 (chuckles) 543 00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:07,967 Oh, you're so funny. 544 00:21:09,068 --> 00:21:10,069 I'm here! 545 00:21:10,102 --> 00:21:11,338 I'm fine! 546 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,306 My head is bleeding. 547 00:21:13,340 --> 00:21:14,707 Going down again.