1 00:00:01,269 --> 00:00:04,638 TED: Kids, there's more than one story of how I met your mother. 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,174 You know the short version, 3 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,908 the thing with your mom's yellow umbrella. 4 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,310 But there's a bigger story. 5 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,645 The story of how I became who I had to become 6 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,980 before I could meet her. 7 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,783 And that story begins here. 8 00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,085 ...dary! 9 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,619 Legendary! 10 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,122 Dude, I am so excited that you're single again. 11 00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:23,424 We are going to conquer New York City. 12 00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,593 I already have a girl from work lined up for you. 13 00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:27,361 Right boob bigger than the left boob, 14 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:29,397 which some choose to look at as bra half empty, 15 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:31,565 I choose to look at as bra half full. 16 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:33,301 I don't know. 17 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,169 Robin and I broke up two weeks ago. 18 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:36,904 I'm... I'm not ready. 19 00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,140 When will you be ready? 20 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,442 It was a good question. 21 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,643 After a big relationship ends, 22 00:00:42,676 --> 00:00:44,112 you need some time to recuperate. 23 00:00:44,145 --> 00:00:45,713 Robin took a trip to Argentina, 24 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,648 and I went through my usual routine. 25 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,550 I grew my breakup beard. 26 00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,352 Ted Mosby, suit up, 'cause here's the plan. 27 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,020 There's a Miss Nassau County pageant. 28 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,155 We'll pretend to be judges 29 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,656 and, yes, our votes are for sale. 30 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,425 I'm not ready. 31 00:00:57,458 --> 00:00:59,427 I repainted the apartment. 32 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,263 Finish Line of a women's 10K. 33 00:01:02,296 --> 00:01:04,232 Salty girls on an endorphin high 34 00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:06,634 who just want to lie down. 35 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,036 Yeah. I'm not ready. 36 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,939 And the truth is, I was doing really good. 37 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,342 Female acrobats from Montreal. Hmm. 38 00:01:14,375 --> 00:01:17,411 Super flexible. We are going to get Cirque de So-Laid. 39 00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:18,979 (singsongy): What up? 40 00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:20,248 Barney, come on, we've covered this. 41 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:21,449 LYNN: Robin! 42 00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:22,416 Hey, guys. 43 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,084 I just got in last night. 44 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,156 Um, uh, this is Gael. 45 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,923 Hola. 46 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,460 Okay, I'm ready. 47 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,141 (razor buzzing) 48 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:49,277 TED: I just can't believe her. 49 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,878 We have this totally amicable split, 50 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:52,280 everything's cool. 51 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:54,114 And she comes back from vacation with that guy? 52 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,483 You know what she's doing? 53 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:56,884 She's trying to win the breakup. 54 00:01:56,917 --> 00:02:00,488 What do you mean "win the breakup," old-timey inventor? 55 00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:03,023 What our 21st president, Chester A. Arthur, 56 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,193 is trying to say is that 57 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:07,261 in every breakup there are winners and losers. 58 00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,729 It's not a competition. 59 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:11,199 Now, your 80-day balloon race around the world, 60 00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:12,733 that was a competition. 61 00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:14,668 That's my wife. 62 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:17,070 Of course it's a competition, Lil. 63 00:02:17,104 --> 00:02:19,473 How else do you explain... what's his name? 64 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:20,641 Gael. 65 00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:24,545 I'm sorry, Gayle? 66 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,514 Gael. 67 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:29,483 Kyle? 68 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,652 Gael. 69 00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,787 Girl? 70 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:37,958 It's pronounced "guy-el." 71 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,427 It means "joyful." 72 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:42,996 That is why I live my life by bringing joy, 73 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:45,599 good energy and happiness to others. 74 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:48,536 Especially those less fortunate that I. 75 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,904 I'm sorry, so it's Gayle? 76 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:53,441 What a jerk. 77 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:54,875 I don't go to your stupid country 78 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:57,878 and try to seduce women with my sexy accent. 79 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,514 That's a great point, Persian nightclub owner. 80 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:04,218 Oh, and he's a masseuse. 81 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,588 With a massage, everything is connected. 82 00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:10,591 I can touch your foot, cleanse your kidney. 83 00:03:10,624 --> 00:03:12,092 I can touch your earlobe, 84 00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,263 and slow your heartbeat. 85 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:18,232 One time, I used warm water to make a guy pee. 86 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,234 Of course, I didn't make a career out of it. 87 00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,303 Career? 88 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:23,704 Such an American idea. 89 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,874 My career is living. Windsurfing. 90 00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:29,543 Making love. 91 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,979 Sometimes at the same time. 92 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:33,213 BARNEY: How? 93 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:35,383 How would one do that exactly? 94 00:03:36,684 --> 00:03:39,019 Seriously, don't giggle. Tell me. 95 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,254 Not possible. 96 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,556 You cannot have sex on a windsurfing board. 97 00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,792 How do you know? Glad you asked, Lily. 98 00:03:44,825 --> 00:03:47,628 I have crafted a list of every vehicle-- 99 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,463 land-based, aquatic and airborne-- 100 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,565 in which/on which it's possible to have sex. 101 00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,867 And of those 33 vehicles, 102 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:56,637 I have had sex in/on 31. 103 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,373 Windsurfing board, not on the list, not possible. 104 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:02,343 Oh, P.S., in order to hit 33, all I need is 105 00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:05,513 bobsled and the Apollo 11 space capsule. 106 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:08,115 To get that last one, you'd have to break into the Smithsonian. 107 00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,584 This conversation never happened. 108 00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:14,154 All right, you're suited up, I'm bearded down. 109 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,756 Let's get out there and win this thing. 110 00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,558 Yes! 111 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,026 You guys, have fun on your double date. 112 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:22,296 Oh, for the hundredth time, I'm sorry, there was a lull. 113 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:23,931 And then we fell asleep on the beach 114 00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,433 while counting the stars. 115 00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:28,336 Do you want to have dinner with me? Uh, us? 116 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,838 There was no lull. 117 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,640 You just think he's incredibly hot. 118 00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:34,041 No, I don't! 119 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,243 Not incredibly. 120 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,646 It's a little hard to believe how hot he is. 121 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:39,513 But, I mean, 122 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,382 she's serious about him. 123 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,317 The girl never marries the hot guy. 124 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:44,952 Well, you did. 125 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:47,287 I'm one of the lucky few. 126 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,723 Lily, Ted is our best friend, 127 00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:50,991 so let's get something straight: 128 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,594 Male Gayle is not hot. 129 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,496 He's not our friend. Don't even look at him. 130 00:04:55,529 --> 00:04:57,230 Just... no eye contact. 131 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,533 So that night, as Lily and Marshall 132 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,001 did their best to hate Gael... 133 00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:04,438 Hey, Robin. Gael. 134 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:05,839 ...Robin pulled me aside to check in. 135 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,541 Now, I'm sure she meant the best, 136 00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:09,743 but she said the worst. 137 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:12,045 I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 138 00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:14,348 "I just want to make sure you're okay with this"? 139 00:05:14,382 --> 00:05:17,017 Damn it! I can't believe she's the one that gets to say that. 140 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:18,218 She's winning, isn't she? 141 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:20,020 (chuckles): Not for long. 142 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:22,122 Okay, pep talk. Take a knee. 143 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,692 Ted, tonight we're going to get 144 00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,560 you someone way hotter than Robin. 145 00:05:26,594 --> 00:05:28,996 Okay, Robin's a ten. 146 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,298 Fine, we'll get you a 12. 147 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:32,966 Or, you know... 148 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,668 two sixes. 149 00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,404 Failing that, four threes. 150 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,506 And break glass in case of emergency, 151 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,574 we'll go to Staten Island, I'll get you 12 ones. 152 00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:43,611 Ted, my boy, I am going to re-teach you... 153 00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:47,347 Amy. Ted. 154 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:51,419 Barney. 155 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,091 Ted, we are back! 156 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,060 Up here. 157 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,230 Up high. 158 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,866 Fivin' it up five-style! 159 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,336 I'm sorry this is all so weird. 160 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,871 Weird, why would it be weird? 161 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,606 Because you used to date our best friend 162 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,642 or because my wife thinks 163 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,510 your new boyfriend is incredibly hot? 164 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:18,345 I do not! Shut up! 165 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,114 Oh, my God! 166 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,183 I just hope Ted's okay. 167 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,351 Hmm. 168 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:26,820 I hate to see you so tense. 169 00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,357 I mean, we had a really clean break up, you know? 170 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,125 We really acted like adults, 171 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:33,861 so the last thing-- oh! 172 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,162 (moans) 173 00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:41,368 Gael, are you a properly licensed massage therapist? 174 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,370 What? Are you legally 175 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,739 certified by some type of governing entity? 176 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,375 I train for three years at an institute in Buenos Aires. 177 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,110 I have a card. I can show you. 178 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,812 Is the card laminated? 179 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:53,280 What do you mean "laminated"? 180 00:06:53,313 --> 00:06:55,449 Covered in protective plastic. 181 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,417 Oh, yes. Damn it. 182 00:06:57,451 --> 00:06:59,152 He checks out. 183 00:07:00,588 --> 00:07:02,523 Ted. Ted. 184 00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:05,325 Ted. Ted. 185 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,495 What?! 186 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,130 Let's bail, this place is dead. 187 00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,231 Yeah, you're right. 188 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,566 We're both totally striking out. 189 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,301 Exactly, plus, 190 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,704 we're on a tight schedule. I've got this entire evening 191 00:07:16,737 --> 00:07:18,271 perfectly planned out-- spoiler alert: 192 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,373 our last stop is an after hours club 193 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,843 so after hours, it's three days from now. 194 00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,244 What up. 195 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,779 Are you blind? 196 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,781 I'm making out with a 12. I am winning. 197 00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:29,049 Yeah, but I didn't get to help. 198 00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,051 So you're saying you want me to throw away 199 00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,821 a super hot girl just because you didn't help me get her? 200 00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:36,056 Apology accepted. Let's go. 201 00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,525 Who's the suit? 202 00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,426 This is Barney. Barney, Amy. 203 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,161 I'm not gonna remember that. 204 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:42,295 Now, if you'll excuse me, 205 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,864 random chick from earlier tonight, 206 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,499 as you shall henceforth be known, 207 00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:47,935 Ted and I have a schedule to keep. 208 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:50,538 Oh, well, you can check off 8:54, dress up like a dork 209 00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:51,905 and bother the cool kids. 210 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,006 Beat it, nerd. 211 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,609 Wow. Wow. 212 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:56,777 Great stuff, Tommy Lee. 213 00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,546 See, what you don't understand is 214 00:07:58,579 --> 00:07:59,947 I'm Ted's wingman. 215 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,449 It's a sacred bond, much stronger than any... 216 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,584 They're making out again. 217 00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:06,353 (mutters): Massage therapist. 218 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:09,089 And you know what, "Gayle"? 219 00:08:09,122 --> 00:08:11,158 Your piece of chicken looks a little tense to me. 220 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:16,530 Oh, oh, does that feel good, Mr. Chicken? 221 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,131 Well, guess what? 222 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:20,000 I didn't wash my hands. 223 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,001 Got him. 224 00:08:23,136 --> 00:08:24,605 Lily! 225 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:27,340 We carry so much ancient emotion 226 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,909 in our neck and shoulders. 227 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,579 Things we should have let go of years ago. 228 00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:34,247 I forgive you, Mom. 229 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:38,351 Lily, we are Ted's best friends. 230 00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,353 Our job is to hate that guy. 231 00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,656 Oh, yeah, that's what I was doing. 232 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:45,793 I was just building him up so a few minutes later, 233 00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,596 I could totally cut him down. 234 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,299 Weren't you wearing a bra? 235 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,603 The night was going great. 236 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,771 Amy was cool and dangerous. 237 00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:58,806 She found a friend for Barney. 238 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,373 She even paid for drinks... 239 00:09:00,407 --> 00:09:02,475 sort of. 240 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:03,977 They know us here. 241 00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,345 You're gonna get us in trouble. 242 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,546 Tell me something. 243 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,448 Do you ask your tailor to leave extra room 244 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:11,251 in the crotch for your huge vagina? 245 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,556 You... your vagina... 246 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,426 Ted, this chick is crazy. 247 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,628 We're leaving. Good idea. 248 00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:21,995 Let's all go back to my place. 249 00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:23,797 Your place? Thanks but no thanks, 250 00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:26,533 1994 Courtney Love. 251 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,568 I have a hot tub. 252 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:32,172 Okay, this is actually pretty nice. 253 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,977 I like your tatts. 254 00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:39,412 Thanks, you can play with them if you want. 255 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,781 They're a hundred percent real. 256 00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,952 No, your tatts... toos, your tattoos. 257 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,620 (laughs) 258 00:09:46,654 --> 00:09:48,622 Thanks. 259 00:09:48,656 --> 00:09:50,023 You should get one. 260 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:52,760 Wrong. Ted has a classic, clean-cut look 261 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,194 that never goes out of style 262 00:09:54,227 --> 00:09:56,964 season after season, burn. 263 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,800 Yeah? Well, I think he would look hot with some ink. 264 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,769 No, he wouldn't. Yes, he would. 265 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:02,803 No, he wouldn't. 266 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:05,172 Yuh-huh. Nuh-uh. 267 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,140 I'm ready to do anything you want by the way. 268 00:10:07,174 --> 00:10:09,609 Anything. Right now. 269 00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:13,546 Ted, who are you gonna side with on this tattoo thing? 270 00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,683 I think I'd look way hot with some ink. 271 00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,150 Yeah, you would. Yeah. 272 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,852 (groans) 273 00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,321 Oh, my God! Tyler? 274 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,656 Mommy! Daddy! 275 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:25,058 She's back! 276 00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,895 Damn it, they're supposed to be in the Hamptons. Run! 277 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,833 Sorry. I used to nanny 278 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:34,601 for those jerks before they fired me. 279 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,469 So unfair. Unfair? 280 00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:38,672 I wouldn't let you take care of the imaginary kids 281 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:40,507 I make up to score with single moms. 282 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:41,709 That's it, Ted. 283 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:42,710 We're going home. 284 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,377 (whistles) 285 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:45,813 Ted? 286 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,916 Ted, you okay? 287 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:51,418 Hello, Ted. Robin and I are about to make 288 00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:54,154 fantastic aquatic sex on this windsurfing board. 289 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,656 And I just want to make sure you're okay with this. 290 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,095 Okay, how do we do this? 291 00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,032 I think your leg goes up, up... 292 00:11:05,065 --> 00:11:06,700 Okay, how about if I, um... 293 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:08,135 No, mine... 294 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:09,837 I'm okay. 295 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:12,272 In fact, here's how okay I am. 296 00:11:12,305 --> 00:11:13,974 I'm getting a tattoo. 297 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,309 You're not getting a tattoo, it's not you. 298 00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:19,446 Ted, you are heading down a dark path. 299 00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:22,916 That dark path is my driveway. 300 00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:25,285 But you need a plan 301 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:26,653 and you need a wingman! 302 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,456 This is so going in my blog! 303 00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,761 Want to have sex? 304 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,430 Okay. 305 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,499 TED: And underneath, 306 00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,969 it should say, "I win." 307 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,471 And then it should have flames coming out the bottom. 308 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:45,806 (gasps): Fire! 309 00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:47,741 We should start a fire. 310 00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,709 After this maybe. 311 00:11:49,743 --> 00:11:52,279 Oh, man, this is going to be legend. 312 00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:53,580 Wait for it. 313 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:54,915 And that's all I remember. 314 00:11:54,948 --> 00:11:57,717 The next morning, I woke up alone back home. 315 00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,360 (heavy sigh) 316 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:09,329 (laughs) 317 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,909 Hey, buddy, how was your night? 318 00:12:21,942 --> 00:12:23,977 You know, it was great. 319 00:12:24,011 --> 00:12:26,847 I met this crazy girl, I almost got a tattoo. 320 00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:27,881 Don't worry. 321 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:29,783 I didn't, but it was... 322 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,184 It was amazing. 323 00:12:31,218 --> 00:12:34,087 I think it's safe to say, I am winning this breakup. 324 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,457 (whispers): Look. 325 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:39,492 Oh, my God. 326 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,560 What? 327 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:41,862 Nothing. 328 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,430 This J. Crew catalog. 329 00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,366 Who brings two Golden Retrievers in a canoe? 330 00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,837 (gasps): We got to call Barney. 331 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,072 Way ahead of you. 332 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,974 Hey, guys, what's the big emergency? 333 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,675 Oh, and B the W: 334 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,477 I am never speaking to Ted again. 335 00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:58,578 Mm. Really? Never? 336 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:02,082 Not even if, say, butterflies flew out of his ass? 337 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,416 What? 338 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,617 (clears throat) 339 00:13:04,651 --> 00:13:05,919 Ted? 340 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,854 Could you grab me 341 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,956 the fondue pot? 342 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:11,791 (whispers): He has no idea. 343 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:14,661 (gasps) Mm-hmm. 344 00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:17,865 And up we go. 345 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,167 MARSHALL: Thank you. 346 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,401 Mm-hmm. 347 00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,469 What? 348 00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:24,237 Ted? Mm? 349 00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:27,007 I came here this morning because... 350 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:28,976 I want to apologize. 351 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,978 Apology accepted, Barney. 352 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,813 As you can see, I do just fine on my own. 353 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,582 I don't need a baby-sitter. 354 00:13:35,615 --> 00:13:37,084 BARNEY: See, all this time, 355 00:13:37,117 --> 00:13:39,119 I thought you needed a wingman to fly, 356 00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,720 but the truth is, you... 357 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,489 you've got your own wings now. 358 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,157 TED: Mm. 359 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,326 Since you and Robin split, you've been gestating. 360 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,560 (stifled laugh) 361 00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,963 Growing in your cocoon. 362 00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,965 And last night... (stifled laughter) 363 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:55,368 ...you burst out of that cocoon like a... 364 00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,071 like a majestic, uh... 365 00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:01,174 Gosh, what is it that comes out of a cocoon? 366 00:14:01,208 --> 00:14:03,376 I was always bad at science. 367 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,312 (quietly): He's going to say it! 368 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,746 A butterfly? 369 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:07,881 (laughing) 370 00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,316 (both laughing) 371 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,517 What? 372 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,684 Nothing, buddy. 373 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,021 Ow! Why did that hurt so...? 374 00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,090 BOTH: Ooh. 375 00:14:17,124 --> 00:14:18,892 (muffled laughing) 376 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,593 TED: Oh, my God! 377 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:24,697 I have a tattoo! 378 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:25,999 Oh, that's not a tattoo. 379 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,568 That, dear boy, is a tramp stamp. 380 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,637 A tramp stamp. 381 00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,305 You know, a ho tag. 382 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,573 Ass antlers. 383 00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,608 A Panama City license plate. 384 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,678 TED: And suddenly, it all came back to me. 385 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:39,879 ...dary! (laughing) 386 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,214 Legendary! 387 00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:45,919 Man, I am so winning this breakup. 388 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:49,422 Mm. I just broke up with my boyfriend Steve. 389 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,224 He was totally annoying. He was, like, 390 00:14:51,258 --> 00:14:53,626 "I think you're the one, I want to marry you." 391 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:54,794 What a wuss. 392 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,096 (laughs) Do you think 393 00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:57,664 exes can be friends? 394 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,166 Yeah, sure. 395 00:14:59,199 --> 00:15:01,368 I mean, we're still friends, right, Steve? 396 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,803 Hey, your name is Steve. 397 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,772 And her 398 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,107 ex-boyfriend's name is Steve. 399 00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,577 What are the odds of that...? 400 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,479 Wait. 401 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:14,047 (tattoo tool humming) 402 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,483 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. 403 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,784 Give me this. 404 00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,052 Aah, aah, aah, aah! 405 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,387 Oh, yeah, that'll get it out. 406 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:21,955 Maybe you should try club soda. 407 00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,324 Ow. Damn it, it really hurts. I need, like, 408 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,592 some ointment or something. 409 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,027 What's this? 410 00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,529 Spanish massage oil. 411 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,932 Spanish massage oil? 412 00:15:34,667 --> 00:15:37,270 What happened here last night? 413 00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:42,642 Last night got weird. 414 00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,213 (singing soft melody in Spanish) 415 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,738 Feel the emotions release. 416 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:16,809 (teary): Think I just got over being chunky in the ninth grade. 417 00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:19,946 You're beautiful. 418 00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,682 I am beautiful. 419 00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,819 Experience your food. 420 00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,056 * 421 00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,625 Try the mango. 422 00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,365 Okay, that's enough of the fruit. 423 00:16:40,533 --> 00:16:41,668 We're sorry, Ted. 424 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:42,902 It'll never happen again. 425 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,237 It meant nothing to us. 426 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,139 It just felt really, really, really good. 427 00:16:46,173 --> 00:16:48,741 Oh! I can't even look at you two right now. 428 00:16:48,775 --> 00:16:50,177 Ted... 429 00:16:53,246 --> 00:16:55,648 (laughing): He got a tramp stamp. 430 00:16:55,682 --> 00:16:58,185 (laughter) 431 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,927 All right, first of all, this isn't one of those, 432 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,697 "I came all the way over here because I want you back" things. 433 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,265 There'll be no startling confession of love, 434 00:17:12,299 --> 00:17:13,900 no sweet indie rock song that swells up 435 00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:16,569 just as we're about to kiss, none of that crap. Got it? 436 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:18,138 Okay. Good. 437 00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:19,339 Now, here's the thing. 438 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,141 It sucks that you came back from Argentina 439 00:17:21,174 --> 00:17:22,475 with someone as awesome as Gael. 440 00:17:22,509 --> 00:17:25,278 And I know I have no right to be upset at you. 441 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:26,979 We're broken up, life goes on, whatever. 442 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,848 But you know what? We-We never did this. 443 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,183 We-We had this polite breakup 444 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,051 with no irrational yelling, and... 445 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,486 and that's just wrong! 446 00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,355 So, I'm going to yell irrationally for a little while, 447 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,023 and you're just going to have to stand there 448 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,358 and deal with it, okay? 449 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,992 If you feel like you need to do that, then... 450 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,161 I think I do! 451 00:17:41,194 --> 00:17:42,629 I really think I do! 452 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,898 So now I'm yelling! 453 00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:47,900 You shaved. I did! 454 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:51,404 I liked the beard. I liked it, too, but it was getting kind of hot! 455 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:54,407 Maybe in the winter, I'll grow it back out! 456 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:57,310 (quietly): Okay, I'm done. 457 00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:00,480 I know it was weird showing up with Gael. 458 00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:01,848 I'm sorry. 459 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,852 Look, us breaking up-- it was the right thing. 460 00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,921 But it took some time to get over you, you know? 461 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,157 I-I'm still getting over you. 462 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,691 But you? You were over it 463 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,760 the minute they started the in-flight movie. 464 00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:15,027 Over it?! 465 00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:16,663 My first three days in Argentina, 466 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,064 I cried my eyes out. 467 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:19,566 I missed you 468 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:20,833 so much. 469 00:18:20,867 --> 00:18:23,770 I wanted to go and prove how adventurous I am, 470 00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,439 but the truth is... it was really lonely. 471 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,041 And that's why Gael happened. 472 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:32,111 You weren't trying to win the breakup? 473 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,847 I was trying to survive it. 474 00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:36,115 (sighs) 475 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,484 Okay. 476 00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:38,685 No. 477 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,321 See, look, that all sounds good, and 478 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:43,723 we'll still be friends and move on, but... 479 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,225 did he have to be so hot? 480 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,227 The guy's an Adonis. 481 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,395 He's not an Adonis. 482 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,363 He's the Cadillac of rebound guys. 483 00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:51,998 Marshall has a crush on him! 484 00:18:52,031 --> 00:18:53,366 The guy's perfect. 485 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,601 He's not perfect. 486 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,702 Oh, come on. 487 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:59,038 He's hot, he wind surfs, he massages things. 488 00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:01,274 Name one way I'm better than that guy. 489 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,310 You're bigger. 490 00:19:03,343 --> 00:19:04,444 Don't patronize me. If anything, 491 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,145 he may even be a little bit taller. 492 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:09,148 No. Ted... you're bigger. 493 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:11,218 I win! 494 00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,619 (laughing) 495 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,387 TED: Kids, I can't remember exactly 496 00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,889 what helped me get through the whole Robin-Gael incident. 497 00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:20,059 I'm sure that it was something profound and meaningful, 498 00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:22,662 and not at all macho and petty, 499 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,432 but after that, I was back on my feet. 500 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:29,236 And what followed was a new era in my life, a crazy time 501 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,471 unlike anything that came before. 502 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:33,406 It's funny looking back at those days, 503 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:36,776 knowing now exactly what I was heading towards. 504 00:19:36,809 --> 00:19:41,614 And what was heading towards me. 505 00:19:41,648 --> 00:19:45,518 * Somebody hold me... 506 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:49,956 (sighs, phone rings) 507 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:52,124 Go for Barney. 508 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,261 Hey, man, it's Marshall. 509 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,728 Check your e-mail. 510 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:56,863 Sent you something. 511 00:19:56,896 --> 00:19:58,231 What is it? 512 00:19:58,265 --> 00:19:59,699 Just a new Web site. 513 00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:01,934 Slapcountdown.com. 514 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:05,004 (beeping) 515 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,739 What does this mean? 516 00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:07,774 (beep) 517 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,208 M-Marshall? 518 00:20:09,242 --> 00:20:10,910 Ma... 519 00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,285 No. 520 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:20,287 (beeping) 521 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,823 (screaming): No!