1 00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:04,972 TED: In May of 2007, Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,076 at the historic Van Smoot House in upstate New York. 3 00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,043 (gasps) 4 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:11,312 Wow, it's beautiful, Lily. 5 00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,880 Yeah. 6 00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:14,748 It's just how I always pictured it. 7 00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:17,085 TED: Well, that was a load of crap. 8 00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:18,586 You see, kids, when you get married, 9 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,020 you learn a hard lesson. 10 00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:21,522 The wedding you set out to have 11 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,324 is almost never the wedding you end up with. 12 00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,492 So, we've decided 13 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,560 on a small, outdoor wedding, 14 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,029 just family and close friends. 15 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:30,898 No more than 25 people 16 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,866 in a beautiful garden somewhere, 17 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:35,336 maybe an acoustic guitar playing 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,937 while we walk down the aisle. 19 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,073 And maybe you already know someone who went down 20 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:41,742 to the courthouse and registered as an officiant 21 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:45,379 so that he or she-- he-- could perform the ceremony. 22 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:46,514 But you hate marriage. 23 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,182 Why do you want to perform the ceremony? 24 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:51,452 Because it subtly implants in the mind of every woman there 25 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,622 that when I ask a question, you say, "I do." 26 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,758 Yeah. 27 00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,227 The closer you get to the big day, 28 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,928 the more concessions you make. Great. 29 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,897 Now my mom's making me invite the Lessners. 30 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,568 This puts our numbers in the triple digits. 31 00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:12,140 Wow. I guess sometimes, Lessner is more... ner. 32 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:15,209 You know how like sometimes less is more. 33 00:01:15,243 --> 00:01:16,744 Yeah. This is one of those times, sweetie. 34 00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:19,113 You know what? That's okay. 35 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:21,315 It'll be a slightly big outdoor wedding. 36 00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:24,318 So it's not going to be an outdoor wedding anymore. 37 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:27,588 Marshall's dad is convinced if we have an outdoor wedding 38 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,923 in New York, he's going to get mugged, 39 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,260 so it's going to be inside now. 40 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,294 It'll be great. 41 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,962 We're still going to have 42 00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,964 our acoustic guitar player. 43 00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:39,900 So now, instead of an acoustic guitar, 44 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:41,202 we're having a harp player. 45 00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,837 Yeah. My dad owes a guy, and... 46 00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,639 that guy's daughter plays the harp. 47 00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:46,974 Is she hot? 48 00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:49,143 I'd love to be able to cross "harp player" off my list. 49 00:01:49,177 --> 00:01:51,245 How long is this list? 50 00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:54,748 Dude, I'm not gonna count how many pages the list is. 51 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:56,150 I'm not crass. 52 00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:58,986 Well, it doesn't matter anyway. She's pregnant. 53 00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,888 Sweet! I can cross off two things. 54 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:18,672 TED: So the day arrived for Lily and Marshall's 55 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:21,809 very big indoor wedding... with a harp. 56 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,843 Hi, Lily. 57 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,845 Wow. Andrea. 58 00:02:24,878 --> 00:02:26,347 You really are pregnant. 59 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,715 Yeah. Um... 60 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,783 How do you play the harp with your belly so...? 61 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,019 Oh, I don't really-- I can only reach about half the strings. 62 00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:34,822 You only play half the harp? 63 00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:35,489 Yeah. 64 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,325 Oh, no. Uh, okay. 65 00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,026 Lily, I will take care of this. 66 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,060 Um, I'll just pluck the other half. 67 00:02:40,093 --> 00:02:41,562 Is it hard to learn? 68 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,664 I've been studying the harp for 12 years. 69 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,666 Yeah, but I'm a fast learner. 70 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,469 You ever hear of "Guitar Hero"? Learned that in a day. 71 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:49,670 Is there a "Harp Hero"? 72 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:50,704 Robin, it's fine. 73 00:02:50,738 --> 00:02:53,040 So, so, when are you due? 74 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,174 Tuesday. 75 00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:55,676 Wow, that's soon. 76 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,044 Last Tuesday. 77 00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:00,681 Holy crap, we have to fire her. 78 00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,816 She's gonna drop a shorty in the middle of your ceremony. 79 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:06,420 Robin, I'm not going to freak myself out. 80 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:09,757 I hate those women who say, "Oh, my wedding has to be perfect." 81 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,492 Things go wrong. 82 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,328 Sometimes the deejay screws up your playlist. 83 00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:17,865 Sometimes you slip on placenta during the recessional. 84 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,368 Hey, can I grab a scotch and soda real quick? 85 00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:23,704 Nope; I'm not allowed to serve anything until the reception. 86 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:26,574 Wow. You just cost yourself a big tip, buddy. 87 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:29,443 I'm not allowed to accept tips, buddy. 88 00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,078 You allowed to accept criticism? 89 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:34,715 You, sir, are an ass... buddy. 90 00:03:36,317 --> 00:03:39,119 Hey, you want to know what line doesn't work on a harp player? 91 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,289 "Hey, baby, want to pluck?" 92 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,956 Really? That didn't work. 93 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:44,592 Not even a little. 94 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:46,594 Huh. Hey! 95 00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:47,761 Who's Bill? 96 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:48,929 Bill? 97 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:51,399 Yeah. This guy came up to me at the bar. 98 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,200 Can I ask you something? 99 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,803 Where in the ceremony is the place where they ask 100 00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,738 if anyone objects? 101 00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,741 Uh... Don't think they do that anymore. 102 00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,311 Oh, so when do you think someone should do it? 103 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:06,079 Just wait for a lull or what? 104 00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:08,949 Oh, no. 105 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,818 Did he look like a guy who tried 106 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,886 to be an umpire but failed? 107 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:15,423 He kind of did. 108 00:04:15,456 --> 00:04:16,990 That's Scooter. 109 00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:19,493 Your high school boyfriend, Scooter? 110 00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,128 His real name is Bill. 111 00:04:21,161 --> 00:04:22,830 My mom must have invited him. 112 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,097 Why? Why would she do that? 113 00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,833 Our families are really close. 114 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,267 But my ex-boyfriend? 115 00:04:27,301 --> 00:04:28,669 Come on, Mom. 116 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,838 I didn't invite that professional squash player 117 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,506 Dad busted you with. 118 00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:33,841 Oh, I need a glass 119 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,943 of wine. I'll get it. 120 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:36,644 Oh, thanks. 121 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:37,811 Hey, how's Marshall doing? 122 00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:38,812 He's great. 123 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:40,614 He's about to get his hair cut. 124 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:42,750 Oh. I'm worried my cousin's going to cut it too short. 125 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:45,486 Me, too. I was up all night. 126 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:47,421 Hello, Lily. 127 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:48,422 Hey, Bill. 128 00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:49,923 Hey, Barney. 129 00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,825 Scooter, what are you doing here? 130 00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,661 It's not "Scooter" anymore. 131 00:04:53,694 --> 00:04:55,329 It's Bill. 132 00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:57,865 A lot of things have changed about me, Lily, 133 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:58,932 but one hasn't. 134 00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,968 I still love you. 135 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,203 And I came here to win you back. 136 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,305 (laughing): You're really cute. 137 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,674 Oh, no. Really? 138 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:11,379 Lily, I-I know it's crazy, but I love you, and if you 139 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,946 can look me in the eye 140 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,148 and tell me that you want to marry Marshall, 141 00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:18,118 I will leave right now and be out of your life forever. 142 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,887 I want... 143 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:20,988 I... 144 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,857 ...I want... 145 00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:25,393 Scooter! 146 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:26,259 I need a glass of wine. 147 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,662 And I need you to get out of my face. 148 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:30,163 It's for the bride, so... 149 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:30,998 White or red? 150 00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:32,400 White. 151 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,902 And, uh... 152 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:36,737 she'd also like a scotch and soda. 153 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:37,638 You got it. 154 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,540 She'd also like a bowl of smoked almonds. 155 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,909 I don't have any, but I guess I could run out 156 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,010 to the corner and get some. 157 00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,012 Well, it's only the biggest day 158 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,347 of her life, so... 159 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,852 Let the games begin. 160 00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:56,023 Here. Can't stay. Got to try something. 161 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:58,258 Maybe my words won't change your mind, 162 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,861 but maybe the words of a poet will. 163 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:05,766 I read from "November Rain." 164 00:06:05,799 --> 00:06:07,234 By W. Axl Rose. 165 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:09,102 That is a good song. 166 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:10,738 Barney said you needed me to bounce 167 00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:11,939 some guy named Scooter? 168 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:16,510 What's up with Bill? 169 00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:17,344 That's Scooter. 170 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,979 I'm on it. 171 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,118 Hey. Hey. 172 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,454 Can I have your phone number? 173 00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:27,955 No. 174 00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:30,023 It's for the bride. 175 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,892 Oh. Hold on. 176 00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:33,293 Let me go get a pen. 177 00:06:35,262 --> 00:06:37,230 The bride wants you to walk slower. 178 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:40,634 Oh... 179 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,102 Oh, wow. 180 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,438 Oh. Robin... 181 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,474 My makeup looks perfect right now, 182 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,476 and I'm about to cry. Do something. 183 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,077 Oh. Um... 184 00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:51,712 Uh. I have hairy nipples. 185 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:52,746 Really? 186 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:53,981 No, but it worked, didn't it? 187 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,550 Hey. Funny story. 188 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:58,486 I tackled this guy I thought was Scooter. 189 00:06:58,519 --> 00:06:59,820 Turns out it was your photographer. 190 00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:00,988 Don't worry. 191 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,255 I got this sweet camera phone, 192 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,957 so we're covered. 193 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,059 There's no photographer? 194 00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,127 Oh, my God. 195 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,630 Okay, I just have to call... Robin, stop. Stop. 196 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:14,802 It's okay. I am not gonna let anything get to me today. 197 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,570 I just got a call from the florist. 198 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:19,106 The flowers won't be here till halfway through the ceremony. 199 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,010 I'm okay. 200 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:24,512 I hate to bother you, but... 201 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,313 I think I found your veil in the parking lot. 202 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,016 I'm fine. 203 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,119 Just FYI: my water broke. 204 00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,020 But I can probably... 205 00:07:35,022 --> 00:07:38,592 (panting sharply) 206 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:39,660 ...make it through. 207 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:41,028 Totally cool. 208 00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,632 Oh, no. 209 00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:48,035 Lily, I think I forgot your bridal panties. 210 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,203 I-I thought I had them. I'm so sorry. 211 00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,439 Oh, it's okay, I'll just wear the ones I have on. 212 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:53,140 Are you sure? 213 00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,843 I'm marrying Marshall today. 214 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,210 So it doesn't even matter 215 00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:59,947 that I'm gonna walk down the aisle without a veil 216 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,149 in a room that has no flowers 217 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,984 to the music of half a harp 218 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:05,853 played by a woman who's crowning, 219 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,020 as my high school boyfriend 220 00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,989 reads Guns N' Roses lyrics. 221 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,724 But that's okay, 222 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,992 because there's no photographer there 223 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,127 to take any pictures of it anyway. 224 00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,896 (chuckles) 225 00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:17,030 Lily, are you okay? 226 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:18,198 What do you think?! 227 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:19,499 Of course I'm not okay! 228 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:22,736 Everything that could possibly go wrong at my wedding has! 229 00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:24,204 Well... It's ruined! 230 00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:26,239 What happened to "I don't want a perfect wedding"? 231 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:27,174 Oh, grow up, Robin! 232 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:28,909 Of course I want a perfect wedding! 233 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,178 Oh, God. 234 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,414 I wanted... I wanted not to care about the wedding, but... 235 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,883 I do. 236 00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:39,019 I... I'm supposed to feel like a princess today. 237 00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,220 And you will. 238 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,389 It's gonna be okay, sweetie. 239 00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,390 Why don't we go outside? 240 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,258 I have something that'll make you feel better. 241 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,860 (scoffs) What could you have 242 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,862 that could possibly make me feel better? 243 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,200 (sighs) 244 00:08:53,233 --> 00:08:55,402 God, I hope Marshall's having a better day 245 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:57,237 than I'm having. 246 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,039 Oh, my God. 247 00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:01,541 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 248 00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,043 Oh, my God. 249 00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,045 Oh, my God! 250 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,113 What? 251 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:16,056 Well, it's not too short. 252 00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:22,095 (harp playing, people chattering) 253 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,731 (screams) 254 00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,638 My hair! Look at my hair! 255 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:32,773 She ruined my hair! 256 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,075 I look like one of the Backstreet Boys! 257 00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:35,976 (laughing): You totally do. 258 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,444 And not even the good Backstreet Boys, 259 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,814 the older, lame dance move, comeback tour Backstreet Boys. 260 00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,583 The good Backstreet Boys? 261 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:44,652 MARSHALL: Guys! Guys! 262 00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,819 What am I gonna do?! 263 00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,755 What-what the hell happened to you? 264 00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,790 Lily's cousin is in beauty school, 265 00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,725 and Lily didn't want her to do her hair, 266 00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:53,160 so she said she could do mine. 267 00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:55,629 So, um, just not-not too short, okay? 268 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,098 Mm-hmm. Oh, no, we don't even have to cut it at all. 269 00:09:58,131 --> 00:09:59,967 Could just give it some style. 270 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:01,334 Oh, okay, yeah, that's great. 271 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:03,403 'Cause, um, when it gets too short, it starts to look weird. 272 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,939 And I don't want to look weird when I'm up there, you know. 273 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,941 Ooh, I could give you some cool guy tips. 274 00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:11,578 I don't think I need advice on how to be cool, 275 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,181 but yeah, great, lay them on me. 276 00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:16,616 I can't get married like this! 277 00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:17,685 There's no way! 278 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:19,286 Ah, let me see what I can do. 279 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,688 What? What can you do? 280 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:23,190 I have a superpower. 281 00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:26,126 Lily is gonna kill me! 282 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,094 Look at me! 283 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,162 She's not gonna want to marry me like this. 284 00:10:29,196 --> 00:10:30,931 That's crazy. Of course she will. 285 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:31,799 Would you marry me? 286 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,500 No. But not because of the hair. 287 00:10:33,533 --> 00:10:35,035 It's because I have a rule: 288 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,437 never marry anyone you've had a farting contest with. 289 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:38,972 Oh, great. 290 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,541 So now you're saying Lily and I shouldn't even get married? 291 00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,846 Could I have everyone's attention, please? 292 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:48,348 It's for the bride. 293 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:53,954 One, the bride would... 294 00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:56,489 like all of this tension out of my shoulders. 295 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,826 And she would like, let's say, 296 00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:00,193 you in the inappropriately 297 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:01,161 short dress 298 00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:01,862 to rub them. 299 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:05,198 Two... 300 00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,567 What was two? 301 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,404 Okay, we have a bit of a situation. 302 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,741 Let's not panic. 303 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,777 Let's just find a solution. 304 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,019 (both screaming) 305 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:33,927 Dude, you shaved your freakin' head. 306 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,063 Yeah, yeah, but it's good. 307 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,430 I ought to shave it all off. 308 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,866 What a great solution. 309 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:41,401 Just be bald 'cause it's cool, right? 310 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,771 Bruce Willis, Michael Jordan, Britney Spears... 311 00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,106 Oh, God, what did I do?! 312 00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,908 How could you let me shave my head?! 313 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:48,608 What?! 314 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:49,542 You're the worst best man ever! 315 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,410 I hate you! 316 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,179 I'm not going out there! 317 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,513 I'm leaving and I'm never coming back. 318 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:55,115 I'm gonna go find that money under the rock 319 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,216 by the tree and go live 320 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,185 with the guys on the beach in Zihautanejo. 321 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,019 Dude, those guys are criminals. 322 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,221 Only Red Andy was falsely accused. 323 00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,957 Ted, you're my best man! You got to do something! 324 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,926 Okay, all right, come here. 325 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,027 Just breathe, breathe, all right? 326 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:10,030 Don't worry. Don't worry. 327 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,398 I'll just... I'll take these. 328 00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,834 No! 329 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,106 Uh, hi. Uncle Ben, right? 330 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:20,107 Yes. 331 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:21,541 Yes, we're, we're having a little bit 332 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:22,742 of a problem back there. 333 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:25,045 Um, and I was wondering if you could help us out. 334 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,113 Yeah. 335 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:31,284 Marshall accidentally shaved part of his head. 336 00:12:31,318 --> 00:12:32,752 Oh, no! Yeah. 337 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:35,222 Yeah, so here's what I was thinking. 338 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:40,427 Um, what if I found something to cover up the bald area? 339 00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:44,832 Yeah, that would probably work, but with what? 340 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:47,667 Hmm, that's a tough one. 341 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,972 Maybe a wig of some sort or a, um... 342 00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:53,573 toupee. 343 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:54,674 Something that 344 00:12:54,707 --> 00:12:55,742 matches his hair color, 345 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,477 which is, which is kind of the same color 346 00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,848 as the top of your hair. 347 00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:02,983 Mm, yeah. 348 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,752 Does anyone here wear a toupee? 349 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,921 Shouldn't be hard to find out. 350 00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,356 Most of them are pretty bad. 351 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,025 That is true. That is true. 352 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,694 We just need to find someone who wears a toupee 353 00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,197 that is the same color as Marshall's 354 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:20,267 and your hair. 355 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,470 Boy, that's a pretty tall order. 356 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:26,339 Really? You can't think of any place 357 00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,041 in the general area where there might 358 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,844 be a toupee of the kind I'm describing to you? 359 00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:33,413 No, not off the top of my... 360 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,450 No. Can't. 361 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,886 All right, let me come at this from a different angle. 362 00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:40,220 I got $50 in my pocket 363 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,221 which is probably a lot more... 364 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,322 The bride needs this. 365 00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:00,507 Actually, I think it kinda works. 366 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,010 It totally does. 367 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:08,381 Barney? 368 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:09,582 To be honest, 369 00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:12,752 I'm, uh, I'm jealous I don't get to wear it. 370 00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:22,996 Okay, problem solved. Crisis averted. 371 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,764 Let's get me married. 372 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:25,999 It looks terrible, doesn't it? 373 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:29,069 It kinda looks like fur, 374 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,170 which gives you the appearance 375 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,571 of a cleaned-up Bigfoot. 376 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:32,605 Oh, you know... 377 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:33,506 In a bad way. 378 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,609 Hey, cool hair, bro. 379 00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:38,411 What happened to your shirt? 380 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:39,346 I got sauce on it 381 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,413 when I tackled the caterer. 382 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:42,549 You gonna put another shirt on? 383 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:43,516 No, I'm good. 384 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:45,018 Hey, you guys seen Scooter? 385 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,254 What? What? Scooter's here? 386 00:14:47,287 --> 00:14:48,688 That guy's at my wedding? 387 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,257 Not for long, bro. 388 00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,259 Not for long. 389 00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:57,030 Okay, you know what? 390 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,131 I need some air. 391 00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,567 I think we should go for a walk, okay? 392 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,935 Yep. 393 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:04,404 It would cover up the problem. 394 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:08,108 It's festive and it celebrates the heritage 395 00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,276 of this great nation. 396 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:11,578 Okay, unless you actually have one in your car, 397 00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:14,781 stop suggesting authentic Native American headdress. 398 00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:15,983 Oh, no. 399 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:19,452 Oh, my God! 400 00:15:19,486 --> 00:15:20,320 Marshall... 401 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:21,921 Lily, you're not supposed to see me. 402 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,223 Holy crap, I don't think 403 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:24,624 anyone's supposed to see you. 404 00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:27,660 What happened? Did Amy do this to you? 405 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:29,462 Just the frosted tips. I did the rest. 406 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,463 I'm sorry, baby. 407 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,132 I've ruined the whole wedding, haven't I? 408 00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,801 Oh, no, you didn't ruin the wedding, sweetie. 409 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,169 It was already ruined. 410 00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,305 There's no flowers, no photographer. 411 00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,906 Oh, and Scooter's here, by the way. 412 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,141 Yeah, I know. I heard. 413 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,643 My veil got thrashed; the harp player is in labor, 414 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:46,246 and I'm not wearing my wedding underwear. 415 00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:48,481 What? No "Property of Marshall" across the back? 416 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,483 How are people going to know whose butt that is? 417 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:53,020 What happened? 418 00:15:53,053 --> 00:15:57,290 Remember the wedding we wanted, the intimate outdoor ceremony? 419 00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:59,359 I wish we could have that wedding. 420 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:03,530 So do it. 421 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:04,197 What? 422 00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,698 Get married now. 423 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:07,200 Right here. 424 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,302 Look, it's outside like you always wanted. 425 00:16:09,336 --> 00:16:11,704 Intimate, close friends. 426 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:13,140 There's no guitar, 427 00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:14,374 but it's pretty close. 428 00:16:14,407 --> 00:16:16,143 Barney can officiate. 429 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:18,545 Yes. 430 00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,013 Yes, I can. 431 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:22,015 Uh, excuse me, guys. 432 00:16:22,049 --> 00:16:23,683 You all dropped something: 433 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:26,486 your jaws-- because Barney Stinson 434 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,356 is about to aid and abet a marriage. 435 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,957 Could we even do that? 436 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,959 I mean, what about all those people in there? 437 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,361 Do that one, too. 438 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:36,129 And then when everything goes wrong, you won't care 439 00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:38,565 because you already had the real wedding out here. 440 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,468 What do you think, baby? 441 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,570 I love it. 442 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,871 Me, too. 443 00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,406 Let's do it. 444 00:16:46,439 --> 00:16:48,208 Let's get married before we get married. 445 00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:49,042 Oh, great. 446 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,211 Wait, hold on. 447 00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:57,184 Excuse me, sir. Could we borrow your hat? 448 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,751 Okay. 449 00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,253 Thank you. 450 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:12,432 Hat. We thought of authentic Native American headdress 451 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,201 before we thought of hat. 452 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,105 Thank you all for coming. 453 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:23,510 For those of you who don't know me... 454 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,012 I'm not the biggest believer in marriage. 455 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:31,984 But... you two are so great together, you know? 456 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:39,926 Uh, it's like you were, uh, made for each other. 457 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,228 He's gonna cry. 458 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,796 No, I'm not. 459 00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:47,867 (playing lilting melody) 460 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,902 I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. 461 00:17:53,273 --> 00:17:55,275 (clears throat) 462 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,111 Lily and Marshall... 463 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:01,481 when everyone sees you, they... 464 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,116 see true love. 465 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:09,289 (voice breaking): It's the best love... 466 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:15,795 Can we just, um, move on to the rings or something? 467 00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:20,900 Oh, no. 468 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,170 I don't have my vows. 469 00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:24,304 I don't have mine either. 470 00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,438 You don't need your vows. 471 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:28,007 Just say why you love each other. 472 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:33,846 Okay, I'll go first. 473 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:39,486 Lily, there are a million reasons why I love you. 474 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,355 You make me laugh 475 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,857 and you take care of me when I'm sick. 476 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:47,160 You're sweet and caring 477 00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,096 and you even created an egg dish and named it after me. 478 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,098 She puts a little Italian dressing in scrambled eggs 479 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:53,800 before she cooks them. 480 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,635 It's called "Eggs Marshall," and it's awesome. 481 00:18:57,036 --> 00:18:59,839 But the main reason that I love you is 482 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:01,674 that you're my best friend, Lily. 483 00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,109 You're, uh... 484 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,445 you're the best friend that I've ever had. 485 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,213 I'm sorry, buddy. 486 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:06,813 No problem. 487 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,881 It's totally okay. 488 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:10,350 My turn. 489 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,220 Oh, thank you. 490 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,188 Marshall, 491 00:19:15,222 --> 00:19:17,324 I love you because you're, 492 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:20,727 you're funny and you make me feel loved 493 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,363 and you make me feel safe 494 00:19:23,396 --> 00:19:27,234 and for our anniversary, you gave me a sweatshirt 495 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,570 that says, "Lily and Marshall. Rockin' It Since '96." 496 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:34,173 I kinda wish I was wearing it right now 497 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,709 'cause it smells like you. 498 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:41,648 But the main reason I love you, Marshall Ericksen, 499 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,783 is you make me happy. 500 00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:46,753 You make me happy all the time. 501 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:53,526 Hey, I found your panties! 502 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,762 I'm good. 503 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,864 Okay. 504 00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,399 Marshall, do you take Lily to be your wife 505 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,667 to have and to hold from this day forward? 506 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:01,801 Slow down. I can't. 507 00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,002 from this day forward so as long as you both shall live? 508 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:04,704 I do. 509 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,205 Lily, do you promise to take Marshall to be your husband 510 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,340 to have and to hold and support 511 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,241 from this day forward as long as you both shall live? 512 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:09,376 I do. 513 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,543 Okay, then, 514 00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:12,111 by the power vested in me 515 00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:15,114 by the very bitter old Pakistani man who works down 516 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,883 at the courthouse on Lafayette Street, 517 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:20,687 I now pronounce you man and wife. 518 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,054 You may kiss the bride. 519 00:20:22,088 --> 00:20:23,256 Oh... Oh... 520 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:30,863 Do you smoke? 521 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,031 No. 522 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,534 Wow. First lie of the marriage. 523 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:35,635 That was fast. 524 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,038 After that, we all went back inside 525 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,407 for the second wedding. 526 00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,442 And yeah, a lot of things did go wrong, 527 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,110 but it didn't matter 528 00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,045 because when we all look back on that day, 529 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,780 what I remember is the first wedding; 530 00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:51,418 the intimate outdoor ceremony with just close friends 531 00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:52,452 and an acoustic guitar. 532 00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:59,492 * 533 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,266 Oh... 534 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:08,335 How do you feel? 535 00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:11,438 Tired. I got married twice today. 536 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,642 Ooh. 537 00:21:15,675 --> 00:21:18,244 So where do you want to do it for the first time 538 00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,579 as a married couple, 539 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,947 nice hotel room or a reception hall bathroom? 540 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,849 What do you think? 541 00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,451 Bathroom, of course. 542 00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,985 Mm. 543 00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:27,153 TED: Please don't. 544 00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:30,790 Sorry, Ted. Sorry, Ted. 545 00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:32,492 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org