1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,237 TED: It took me a while to figure out, 2 00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,739 but the key to understanding your Uncle Barney is this. 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,443 When times are hard, it's impossible to keep him around. 4 00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,712 Like when your aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall were broken up. 5 00:00:11,779 --> 00:00:12,880 Hey. 6 00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:13,781 What are you guys talking about? 7 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,049 Lily. 8 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,250 I got to go. 9 00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,688 But when times are good,it's impossible to get rid of him. 10 00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:21,889 What are you guys doing? 11 00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,024 We just finished planning Marshall's bachelor party. 12 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,126 Good, you haven't started yet. 13 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,594 Let's talk logistics. 14 00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,562 Now, have you laid out ground rules with Lily? 15 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:29,963 Where you are or aren't allowed 16 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,065 to touch or be touched? 17 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:32,600 Show me on Ted. 18 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:33,601 Actually, we're, uh, 19 00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:35,836 we're thinking of skipping the strippers. 20 00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:37,605 You... you want to have a party 21 00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,073 Mmm. without strippers. 22 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,908 This was the worse thing I could have said. 23 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,511 You see, Barney loved cooking up bachelor parties. 24 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,379 And it was always the same recipe. 25 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:48,316 You start with a slightly cramped hotel suite. 26 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:51,185 Arrange the chairs in a circle... 27 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:54,021 Fill them with your closest friends. 28 00:00:54,088 --> 00:00:55,689 Turn the heat up to about 90. 29 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,226 Pump in a metric ton of cigar smoke. 30 00:00:58,292 --> 00:01:00,661 And then, right in the middle of the room, 31 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,163 you throw in a girl. 32 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:04,432 But not a beautiful girl-- 33 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,934 no, if this girl was ever beautiful, 34 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,702 it was two kids, three tattoos, 35 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,871 and one pesky substance abuse problem ago. 36 00:01:10,938 --> 00:01:13,374 Which one of you is Stuart? 37 00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,243 Please, I really don't want to do this. 38 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,578 Shut up, put in your mouth guard. 39 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:24,118 (spanking) TED: Then she proceeds to do things 40 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:25,386 (Stuart moaning) that demean the groom, 41 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,688 herself and really, the entire human race. 42 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:28,922 Disgusting. 43 00:01:28,989 --> 00:01:31,525 Ah, horrifying. 44 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,960 Classic. 45 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:34,562 STUART: Oh, please, please, no, no. 46 00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:36,564 I don't want anything like that happening to me. 47 00:01:36,630 --> 00:01:38,399 Stuart's still trying to forget that night. 48 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,767 It's my bachelor party. 49 00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,169 We're not having strippers. 50 00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:43,837 Oh, he thinks he has a say in it. 51 00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,706 So, strippers it is! 52 00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:46,540 Now, just, uh, 53 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:47,941 tell me where we're going to be 54 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,042 and I'll make some calls. 55 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,711 I think I can get the fourth one for free. 56 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:51,479 Quick question. 57 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,181 Prosthetic arm. Deal breaker? 58 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,282 Barney, there is... 59 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:57,351 Before you say no, it has attachments. 60 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,535 Look, I know you have some stuff planned 61 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:15,703 for Marshall's bachelor party, 62 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,638 but he really doesn't want strippers. 63 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:18,472 Yes, he does. 64 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:19,973 Uh, well, he told me he doesn't. 65 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,642 Uh, well, he told me he does. 66 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:22,376 When? 67 00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,544 Every minute of every day 68 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,479 as his inner animal thrashes against the cage 69 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,515 of his own puritanical upbringing. 70 00:02:27,581 --> 00:02:28,249 Or do 71 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,718 you guys not like naked girls. 72 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,953 Um, we love naked girls. 73 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:33,821 They're one of the 74 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:34,888 best things in the world. 75 00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,056 It goes... 76 00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:37,525 naked girls, democracy, 77 00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:39,059 the scene in Every Which Way But Loose 78 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,494 where the monkey gives a guy the finger. 79 00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,462 Mm. 80 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:42,730 We just don't like your naked girls. 81 00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:44,398 What, my girls aren't hot enough? 82 00:02:44,465 --> 00:02:45,999 I mean, all right, fine, 83 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,836 the stripper at Stuart's bachelor party was a 15. 84 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:49,970 She was 15? 85 00:02:50,037 --> 00:02:51,805 No, a 15. 86 00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:53,641 Like in blackjack. 87 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,644 As in, not sure whether you'd hit it? 88 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,545 Exactly. 89 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:58,679 Nice. 90 00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,148 This is important to Marshall. 91 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,751 So, promise me, no strippers. 92 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,820 All right, I promise. 93 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,722 I'm serious. 94 00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:09,790 So am I. 95 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:12,260 No strippers. 96 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,595 Now say it without winking. 97 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:18,131 No strippers. 98 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,300 You just winked. 99 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,835 No I didn't. 100 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,072 So, when the day arrived, 101 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:27,741 we all climbed into a rented Escalade and set out. 102 00:03:27,808 --> 00:03:30,177 Now, every bachelor party is usually made up 103 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:31,879 of the same stock characters. 104 00:03:31,945 --> 00:03:33,747 You've got the groom... 105 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:34,915 the best man... 106 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,050 the guy who speaks only in clichés... 107 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:38,619 Dead man walking! 108 00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,554 ...the guy who disappears at the beginning of the night 109 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,856 and doesn't show up again until the end. 110 00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,358 All right, 111 00:03:44,425 --> 00:03:46,360 who's up for a little blackjack before we check in. 112 00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,228 No, no, no. Mm-mmm. None for me. 113 00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:52,032 See you guys back at the room, then. 114 00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,734 And, of course, well... 115 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:54,668 Barney. 116 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,337 Every bachelor party has a Barney. 117 00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:57,905 Oh, what's this? 118 00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,374 This car has a DVD player? 119 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,175 You mean, we could have been watching 120 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:05,012 these pornos the whole time? 121 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,381 Yeah. This one's in HD. 122 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,750 This one's in H-double-D. 123 00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,885 Oh! 124 00:04:11,952 --> 00:04:13,120 Right about that time, 125 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,323 Robin was showing up for Lily's wedding shower. 126 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:16,657 But before we get to that, 127 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,659 let's talk about her gift. 128 00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:19,693 Hey, Barney, 129 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,495 check out what I got Lily for her shower. 130 00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,530 It's kind of racy. 131 00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:23,497 Think you can handle it? 132 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:25,265 Uh, I've been in a ten-way. 133 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,634 So, yeah. 134 00:04:30,704 --> 00:04:33,374 It's kind of see-through. 135 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,142 Hmm? Whoa, ho ho! 136 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,377 You weren't kidding! 137 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,078 You know when you should give that to her? 138 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,647 1850. 139 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,549 Robin, it's her bridal shower! 140 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,250 All her friends are gonna be there, 141 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:44,251 they're going to be drinking. 142 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:45,786 You need to get her something daring, 143 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:46,754 something outrageous. 144 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,390 Well, what do you think I should get her? 145 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,360 There's a store on Eighth Avenue 146 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,261 that specializes in-- 147 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:56,129 how to put this delicately?-- 148 00:04:56,196 --> 00:05:01,735 uh, battery-powered, adult- recreational fake penises. 149 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,170 (giggling) 150 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:05,706 And so Aunt Robin went to a store on Eighth Avenue, 151 00:05:05,773 --> 00:05:08,576 and a battery-powered, adult-recreational... 152 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,243 Well, it was something inappropriate. 153 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,845 And we're back in. 154 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,552 Robin! Oh. 155 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:19,620 Oohh, 156 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:21,188 I'm so glad you're here. Hey. 157 00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,056 Come in, I want you to meet everybody. 158 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,858 Robin, this is my Grandma Lois 159 00:05:24,925 --> 00:05:25,726 and my Aunt Oh. 160 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,361 Florence. Oh, lovely to meet you, 161 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:28,462 dear. Florence. 162 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,730 They put this whole party together. 163 00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:30,764 Oh! 164 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,166 It's different from what I expected, 165 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,102 but lovely. Lovely. 166 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,169 And oh, look, 167 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,237 there are little kids here! 168 00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:38,472 Yeah, my cousins. 169 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,408 Listen, I, uh, I forgot something somewhere 170 00:05:40,474 --> 00:05:41,609 so I'm going to just go... 171 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,243 Robin, this is my mom, Janice. 172 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,812 Oh. Oh, honey, 173 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,780 Oh. I'm so glad to finally meet you. 174 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,416 Me too. I, I've heard so much about you. 175 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,717 Me, too. Oh, here. 176 00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:51,619 Oh, um... Let me take your gift. 177 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:52,920 Oh... 178 00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,188 Can I guess what it is? 179 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,591 Is it a, a, a mini food processor? 180 00:05:57,658 --> 00:05:58,726 No. 181 00:05:58,792 --> 00:05:59,727 No? Oh. 182 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,228 Oh, give me a hint. What color is it? 183 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,597 Black. 184 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,933 Well, I guess I'm just going 185 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,134 to have to wait and see! 186 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,836 Oh, great. 187 00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,204 Robin, Um... 188 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:12,573 this is my Cousin Margaret. 189 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,475 Oh, finally, someone our own age! 190 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:15,809 (giggling) LILY: Wait, 191 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,611 do I introduce you as "Cousin Margaret" 192 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:18,946 or "Sister Margaret?" 193 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:20,848 Well, I'm not officially confirmed as a nun 194 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:21,815 until next month 195 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,083 and I don't want to tick off 196 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,051 the Big Guy, 197 00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,185 so let's stick 198 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,153 with "Cousin" for now. 199 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,187 (chuckling) 200 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:28,422 God's watching. 201 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:29,757 Excellent! 202 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,963 Man, they spent a lot of money on this porno. 203 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:38,365 Whoa-- Morgan Freeman? 204 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,501 Man, that guy's in everything. 205 00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:44,572 Aw, man, I grabbed the wrong Deep Impact! 206 00:06:44,638 --> 00:06:46,306 No, leave it in, it's a good movie. 207 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:47,708 But, dude, there's no sex in it. 208 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:48,942 Yeah, just like marriage. 209 00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:49,943 Huh? Right? 210 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:52,946 Oh, oh, hey, 211 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,381 check this out! Don't ask how, 212 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:57,685 but I procured for us five loco-bueno, 213 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,588 hand-rolled, highly illegal Cubans. 214 00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:01,755 Seriously, you could go to jail 215 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:02,990 for smoking these things. 216 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,024 Marriage is like jail! 217 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,058 Right, fellas?! 218 00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:10,664 But at least in jail, you get to have sex! 219 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,801 But we're not lighting these babies up, 220 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,003 till we get to the A.C. 221 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:17,270 A.C.? 222 00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:18,539 Um, Atlantic City. 223 00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:19,840 Try to keep up, Brad. 224 00:07:19,907 --> 00:07:23,977 We're not going to Atlantic City. 225 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:27,715 Just a second, Brad. 226 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,950 Hi. 227 00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:31,619 Hi. Um... 228 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,453 We're still going to Atlantic City, right? 229 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,122 Oh, did I not tell you? 230 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,990 Yeah, we switched it. We're going to Foxwoods. 231 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,659 Foxwoods? 232 00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:44,765 But I've got an ipperstray waiting in tlanticaay itycay. 233 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,834 What the heck's in Foxwoods? 234 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,335 Well, we've got five third row seats 235 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:50,003 to the Popinski-Salazar rematch. 236 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,472 They've set aside our very own craps table, 237 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:53,941 and I reserved a private room for us 238 00:07:54,007 --> 00:07:55,876 at Connelly's, where the five of us are going 239 00:07:55,943 --> 00:07:57,477 to be sharing a 102-ounce steak 240 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,880 from a cow that I picked out on the Internet. 241 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,348 Yeah. Great. 242 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:02,916 The night's ruined. 243 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,084 Sorry, Barney. 244 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,020 It was an honest mistake. 245 00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:11,324 MARSHALL: This is going to be great! 246 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:13,393 Meat, violence, 247 00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:14,862 throwing money down the toilet. 248 00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,730 America-- one; every other country-- zero. 249 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,398 (chuckling) Thanks, guys. 250 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:19,432 Yeah. 251 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,034 You okay, Barney? 252 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,102 What can I say, Ted? 253 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,136 You won. 254 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,138 Hi. 255 00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,707 You one... 256 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,776 sad, pathetic loser. 257 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:31,144 Boys, say hello to Treasure. 258 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,014 BOYS: Hi, Treasure. 259 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:35,649 I can't believe that you did this. 260 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:37,217 I had to. I'm your best man. 261 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:38,385 Ted's my best man. 262 00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,887 You've yet to make a decision and that's fine. 263 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,655 But as your best-man-to-be, 264 00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:43,791 it's my job to make sure at your bachelor party 265 00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:45,292 you see a woman take her clothes off 266 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:48,161 while dancing to Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again." 267 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:51,498 (sighs) 268 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,700 All right, fine, but... 269 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,034 let's make it fast, all right. 270 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,869 The fight starts in an hour, we don't want to miss it. 271 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,270 It's a girl taking her clothes off. 272 00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:58,639 How long can it take? 273 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,373 It's a bit more complicated than that. 274 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:01,575 I need two grounded sockets, 275 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:03,476 a large sterile pot filled with hot water 276 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,178 and you all need to sign these releases. 277 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,951 An egg beater! (sighs) 278 00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,954 Aw, thank you, Aunt Sylvia! 279 00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:15,689 I love that it's cordless. 280 00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,324 Well, at least I got that part right. 281 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:21,194 All of these gifts are so thoughtful. 282 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:22,730 ROBIN: Lily? 283 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,666 I need you to look at me right now and read my mind. 284 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,602 Oh, my God! You're hearing me! 285 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,703 LILY: Yeah! 286 00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:30,771 Sorry this party's so boring. 287 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,105 What's up? 288 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,675 Do not open my gift. 289 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,976 See what I'm doing here? 290 00:09:36,043 --> 00:09:38,779 I'm looking over at the gift, 291 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,447 then back at you, 292 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,083 and I'm shaking my head, "no." 293 00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:44,117 Gift. 294 00:09:44,184 --> 00:09:45,185 You. 295 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:46,453 No. 296 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,788 Are you getting that? 297 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,657 I totally got it. 298 00:09:49,723 --> 00:09:50,357 (under her breath): Okay. 299 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,025 Hmm? 300 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,061 Oh! 301 00:09:56,730 --> 00:09:58,732 Here you go. 302 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,835 Lily said it was your time of the month. 303 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,705 You're welcome. 304 00:10:06,573 --> 00:10:08,709 (sighs) 305 00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:11,745 What are you doing? 306 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,413 Oh, just, um... 307 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:14,715 rearranging the gifts. 308 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,249 The pile looked a bit precarious. 309 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,350 So... 310 00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,352 Oh, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on it. 311 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:21,154 Great. 312 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,455 You do that. 313 00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,391 You're gonna make a damn good nun. 314 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:31,498 TED: As many times as Robin told this story over the years, 315 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,800 she would never quite be able 316 00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,002 to explain the logic of her next move. 317 00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,074 (music playing) 318 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:44,111 Is this a strip show or a Kiss concert? 319 00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,278 Shh! 320 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,279 She's starting. 321 00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:49,182 Please turn off your cell phones, pagers 322 00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,317 and sense of shame. 323 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,685 All right, boys. 324 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,020 Lie back, 325 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:56,123 get comfortable, and enjoy the show. 326 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:03,563 Of course there's no way I'm telling you about her show. 327 00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:05,032 So, let's skip ahead a little. 328 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,800 Ow! 329 00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,036 Oh my God, are you all right? 330 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,738 No, I am not all right, you idiot. 331 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,005 My ankle is broken! 332 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,807 Take me to the hospital! 333 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:14,708 Um, actually, we have tickets. 334 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,476 (crying) 335 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,677 You know what? 336 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:18,846 Thanks a lot, Barney. 337 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,413 She told you at the beginning of the show 338 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,615 not to use the smoke machine when she's on the hippity hop. 339 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:23,951 Now I'm going to have to spend the rest 340 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,152 of my bachelor party in a hospital. 341 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:26,787 Well, hey, maybe we'll get to see her X-rays. 342 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,922 The ultimate strip show. 343 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:31,124 X-rays. More like triple X-rays. 344 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,126 Just stop. 345 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,431 Which exit's the hospital? 346 00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,300 What if she doesn't make it to the hospital? 347 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:41,401 Barney, please calm down. 348 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,136 Maybe we should just take her to the desert, 349 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,072 bury her and wash our hands of this whole thing! 350 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,673 Dude, what is the matter with you? 351 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:49,076 I'm just trying to illustrate to Marshall that as his best man... 352 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,710 You're not my best man. As his best man, 353 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:52,712 I would help him bury a hooker in the desert. 354 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:53,613 I'm not a hooker. 355 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:54,714 And you're not my best man. 356 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,016 You've ruined my bachelor party. 357 00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:57,684 I don't know why you wouldn't just listen to me 358 00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:58,919 when I said I didn't want this. 359 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,487 Well, the fight started ten minutes ago. 360 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,822 Maybe-maybe we should listen. 361 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,957 RADIO ANNOUNCER: Oh, Doctor, what a fight! 362 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:06,193 That knockout will be talked about for years to come! 363 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,295 Anyone lucky enough to be in the arena tonight 364 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,230 just witnessed boxing history in the making! 365 00:12:12,199 --> 00:12:14,501 Thank you so much, Margaret. 366 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,804 I can't believe you carved that crucifix yourself. 367 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,538 So talented. 368 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,507 Didn't think you could carve. 369 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,612 For you. 370 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,915 Oh. And this one's from... 371 00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,050 Grandma Lois. 372 00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,751 GRANDMA LOIS: Oh. No, wait, darling. 373 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:36,523 Before you open this, I-I want to say a few words. 374 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:38,491 TED: Okay, something you need to know. 375 00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:41,094 Grandma Lois thought she was giving her granddaughter 376 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,363 an antique sewing machine. 377 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,465 And we're back in. 378 00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:46,599 Honey, 379 00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:49,236 this handy little device has been 380 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,872 in our family for generations. 381 00:12:51,939 --> 00:12:54,207 I used it, your great grandmother used it. 382 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,208 Now, 383 00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,544 her mother didn't use this one, 384 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,346 but she used one just like it. 385 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,082 Of course, back then, they were made out of wood. 386 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,984 And, uh, I guess before that, 387 00:13:04,051 --> 00:13:06,186 you just had to do it by hand. 388 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,421 Would you pass the wine, please? 389 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,223 No. 390 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,959 Hey, Marshall, 391 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,961 while we're here, you may as well go down 392 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,795 to the morgue and climb into a drawer, 393 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,297 'cause that's what marriage is like. 394 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,498 Can I get an amen? 395 00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:21,134 (chuckling) 396 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,369 Is everything all right at home, Stuart? 397 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,871 No. 398 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:32,012 (sighs) 399 00:13:32,079 --> 00:13:33,580 It's broken. 400 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:35,248 Oh, damn it, this is bad. 401 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,417 I really can't lose this job. 402 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,653 My daughters are about to start school, 403 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,789 and my fiancé, well... 404 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:45,092 ever since he got back from Iraq, 405 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,927 pretty much all he does is drink. 406 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,561 I think about leaving him, 407 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,798 but I don't want my girls growing up without a dad 408 00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,901 like I did. 409 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:57,004 I don't want them to know what that's like. 410 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,708 So, show time? 411 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,410 What is the matter with you? 412 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:04,844 Her ankle's broken. 413 00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,279 I know for a fact 414 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,916 that the second half of her act takes place largely 415 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,550 in a seated or supine position. 416 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:12,019 Oh, that's true. 417 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:15,022 Treasure, please, don't worry about the show. 418 00:14:15,822 --> 00:14:16,756 Uh, we'd feel bad. 419 00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:19,026 What does that mean? 420 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,961 No. We just mean, uh, you're off the hook. 421 00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,229 You don't have to do it. 422 00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,231 I don't have to do it? Well, guess what? 423 00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:27,267 I know I don't have to do it. 424 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,369 I do it because I am good at it. 425 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:31,838 Look, I don't need your pity. 426 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:34,274 All I want to do is give you a great show 427 00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:35,575 because you're getting married! 428 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,210 Is that so much to ask? 429 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:40,880 Is that such a major inconvenience?! 430 00:14:40,948 --> 00:14:42,215 (instrumental rock music plays) 431 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,583 Oh. Wow. 432 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,825 Oh, that is wrong. 433 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,162 Oh, that's just so wrong. 434 00:14:56,696 --> 00:15:00,968 Well, the doctor did say for her to keep it elevated. 435 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,336 (hissing) 436 00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,073 When I was a girl, 437 00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,641 my mother taught me and my sister to use it. 438 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:11,844 We used to have contests to see who could finish faster. 439 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,313 It was so exciting. 440 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,848 The whole family would gather around to watch. 441 00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,451 And when I was a new bride, 442 00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,421 this is what kept me busy all those long nights 443 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:23,590 when your grandfather was in Korea. 444 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:24,791 Oh. 445 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,526 GRANDMA LOIS: And speaking 446 00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,061 of your grandpa, 447 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:30,297 though I don't think he'd care to admit this 448 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,232 to any of his army buddies, but 449 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,768 he'd have a go at it every once in a while. 450 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,370 And he enjoyed it. 451 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:38,605 (laughs) 452 00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:39,939 Oh, 453 00:15:40,007 --> 00:15:41,408 open it up, sweetie. 454 00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:44,511 May this give for you as much joy as it's brought me. 455 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,379 Oh, thank you. 456 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,681 (Lily laughs quietly) 457 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,437 Grandma, um... 458 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:12,939 Wow. 459 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,941 Well, take it out, honey. 460 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,144 I want to show you how to use it. 461 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:19,946 ROBIN: Okay, no, no! 462 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,281 Don't take it out. 463 00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:22,982 Lily, that's not your grandma's gift. 464 00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,217 It's mine. 465 00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:25,385 I panicked, and I switched 466 00:16:25,452 --> 00:16:28,721 the cards because I was embarrassed. 467 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,157 Well, what is it? 468 00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,261 (sighs) 469 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,602 It's just like the one Miranda gave to Charlotte 470 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:44,971 on Sex and the City. 471 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:46,206 Oh, I love that show. 472 00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:47,840 I always watch it on TBS. 473 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,142 JANICE: Oh, you would. 474 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,677 You're such a Samantha! 475 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,812 Oh, I'm a Carrie! You're a Samantha! 476 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,847 (laughter) 477 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,383 TED: And then the night became 478 00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,418 a whole new kind of uncomfortable. 479 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,553 So where do I get one of these? 480 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,621 Mom! 481 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,993 Man, what a show, huh? 482 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,761 She did some disgusting stuff. 483 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,630 Really sticks with you. 484 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,932 I may be done eating. 485 00:17:12,999 --> 00:17:14,801 Me, too. 486 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,636 I mean, like, forever. 487 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,605 Me, too. 488 00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,640 I miss my wife. 489 00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,275 BARNEY: Hey, 490 00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:23,543 let's go around the table 491 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:25,378 and say what our favorite part was. 492 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,580 Mine was that thing with the typewriter. 493 00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:28,615 I mean, 494 00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:31,351 she made some spelling mistakes, but still. 495 00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:32,919 Ooh, and you guys were all, 496 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,354 "Barney, put out the cigar! 497 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:35,688 It's a non-smoking room!" 498 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,491 And I was all, "Hell, no, this is a Cuban!" 499 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,526 (giggles) 500 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:42,162 Of course, eventually, I did put it out. 501 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:43,763 Did I put it out? 502 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:45,965 I put it out. 503 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:47,500 Did I put it out? 504 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,002 I put it out. 505 00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,904 (distant siren) 506 00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,740 Did I put it out? 507 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:55,308 TED: It was a small fire, 508 00:17:55,375 --> 00:17:58,211 not even big enough to force an evacuation of the hotel, 509 00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:00,513 but definitely big enough to get us kicked out, 510 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,849 and bring Marshall's bachelor party to an early end. 511 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,451 Is that...? 512 00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:07,086 It is. 513 00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:12,525 Hey, guys. 514 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,264 How was the fight? 515 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,001 Hey, what are you guys doing here? 516 00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:23,436 What happened to the bachelor party? 517 00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,071 We missed the fight, dinner was ruined, 518 00:18:25,138 --> 00:18:26,939 we spent half the night in the hospital, 519 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,575 and got kicked out of the hotel. 520 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,143 What do you think happened? LILY: Barney. 521 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:31,511 Barney. 522 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:34,281 Hey, I was just trying to be a good best man. 523 00:18:34,347 --> 00:18:35,982 You know what a best man does, Barney? 524 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:37,217 He does what the groom wants. 525 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,152 But all you ever think about is what you want, 526 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:40,253 what's best for you. 527 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,621 Best man? I'm not even sure 528 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,723 I'm inviting you to the wedding at this point. 529 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,724 You don't mean that. 530 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,058 Why should I invite you? 531 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,860 You don't even want us to get married. 532 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,397 (laughs) 533 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,599 That's not true. 534 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,567 Lily, don't. 535 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,668 What? 536 00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,339 I'm sorry, Barney. 537 00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,841 It happened last summer when we were broken up. 538 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,845 Hey, what are you guys talking about? 539 00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,180 Lily. 540 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,148 Ah, I got to go. 541 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,488 Newark Airport, please. 542 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,594 (knock at door) 543 00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,631 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barney, what are you doing here? 544 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:25,832 I can't believe it's really you. 545 00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,667 Come in, have a seat. Do you want some tea? 546 00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,702 I know the apartment's small, but I don't need much space. 547 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,338 Let me show you some of my paintings. 548 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,240 I think it's some of my best work ever. Just stop it. 549 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,275 Lily, you have to come home. 550 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:37,210 You and Marshall belong together. 551 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,711 The two of you have something 552 00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,047 that most people search their whole lives for and never find. 553 00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:42,982 I know you love him, and if you knew 554 00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,351 what he was going through right now, 555 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,118 you wouldn't be here for one more second. 556 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,388 I bought you a ticket home. 557 00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,590 Marshall is one of the best people I know, 558 00:19:50,657 --> 00:19:53,059 and it won't be long until someone else realizes that, 559 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:54,861 and you'll lose him forever. 560 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,596 I can't stand the thought of that happening, 561 00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:58,531 and I cannot keep stealing chicks from him forever. 562 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,268 Never, ever tell anyone I was here. 563 00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,035 I will deny it tooth and nail. 564 00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:05,472 This trip never happened. 565 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,810 Hey, if you had three hours to kill before your flight, 566 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,912 what would you do-- Alcatraz or Fisherman's Wharf? 567 00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:17,650 You really did that? 568 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:23,122 TED: Marshall, 569 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:25,492 I think Barney's your best man. 570 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,294 Yeah. 571 00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:28,595 Yes, he is. 572 00:20:28,661 --> 00:20:30,597 See, Lily? This is why I didn't... 573 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:31,964 Really? 574 00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:33,466 Really. 575 00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:37,203 Real... In your face, loser! 576 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,271 (silly laugh) 577 00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:40,440 Take it easy, all right. 578 00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:41,941 Ted's still my best man, too. 579 00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,075 You guys are co-best men. 580 00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,010 (laughs) BARNEY: Right. 581 00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:47,347 Yes, we're both best man. 582 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,015 No, um, seriously. 583 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,750 You guys are co-best men. 584 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:52,785 Of course. 585 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,624 [ indistinct ] 586 00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:04,364 I can't believe you got me this. 587 00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:06,333 Oh, I only did it as a joke. 588 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,435 I can return it for you if you want. 589 00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:09,502 Oh, no, it's okay. 590 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:11,371 You don't have to go all the way back down there. 591 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:12,672 I'll, I'll just throw it away. 592 00:21:12,739 --> 00:21:14,641 Well, I mean, if you're going to throw it away, 593 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,409 maybe I'll take it in case I get invited 594 00:21:16,476 --> 00:21:17,577 to another wedding shower. 595 00:21:17,644 --> 00:21:18,778 It's a great gag gift. 596 00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,513 Yeah, it's really funny. (laughs) 597 00:21:20,580 --> 00:21:23,583 You know who would get a kick out of it? Marshall. 598 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:25,718 So, so maybe I'll just hold onto it. 599 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,587 I would be embarrassed if Marshall found out 600 00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:30,823 that I bought it for you, so I'd better just take it. 601 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:32,725 Robin, leave it.