1 00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:04,004 TED: Kids, the key to a good relationship is communication; 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,606 you need to talk. 3 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:08,409 How about Mimi's? Nah, I don't really feel like Mimi's. 4 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,278 Well, I'm hungry. Let's just pick a place and go. 5 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,313 Oh, you know where we should go? Cynthia's. 6 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,014 You love that place-- remember what 7 00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,317 a great time we had the last time we were there? We did? 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,918 Yeah, yeah. We had that crazy waiter 9 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,987 (French accent): who kept going, "You two should get married! 10 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,755 You two should get married!" 11 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,957 It's also important to know when to stop talking. 12 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:25,593 Come on. Then we stepped outside. 13 00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:28,462 It was raining. It was so romantic? 14 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,764 How can you not remember this? 15 00:00:30,798 --> 00:00:33,201 Because it wasn't me. 16 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,804 Oh, right! 17 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,540 It was... my sister. 18 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,443 You see, by the time you've hit your late 20s, 19 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:43,711 you've dated a few people, 20 00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,379 but when you're in a relationship, 21 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,348 it's common courtesy to pretend that you haven't. 22 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,184 Oh, my God, Van Helsing is on. 23 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,719 Remember when we went to see it? 24 00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,821 We sat in the back row. 25 00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:55,989 I've never seen Van Helsing. 26 00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:58,392 That's right. I saw it with my sister. 27 00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,362 My boss just got back from Maui. 28 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,164 He said it was really romantic. 29 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:04,798 Oh, it's so romantic. 30 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,500 When were you in Maui? 31 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:09,370 I... went... 32 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,938 with my sister. With my sister. 33 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,340 Why do you always say that? 34 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,574 Look, 35 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,808 we're not 16. 36 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,610 We've both dated other people. 37 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:18,712 It's silly to try to act like we didn't. 38 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,014 You're right. We should just be honest. 39 00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:21,982 Totally. 40 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,951 See that girl over there? 41 00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:25,819 Three years ago, 42 00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,156 I totally made out with her. 43 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,323 I don't want to hear that. 44 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,824 What? You said... 45 00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,126 God, that is so insensitive. 46 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,727 Remember honesty...? You're a jerk! 47 00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:35,996 Well, you're... 48 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:39,433 confusing. 49 00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:56,350 Okay, so you have to have sex with one: 50 00:01:56,384 --> 00:02:00,688 either classic mermaid; bottom half fish, top half human, 51 00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:05,393 or inverted mermaid, top half fish, bottom half human. Go! 52 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:07,395 I don't know. Is she fat? 53 00:02:07,428 --> 00:02:10,464 Yeah, but it's a fish, so it's the good kind of fat. 54 00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:14,001 Hot off the presses! I-I don't take flyers. 55 00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:15,736 You took one two seconds before you walked in here. 56 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,238 That's different. It was for a strip club. 57 00:02:17,271 --> 00:02:18,606 Two bucks off wings. 58 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,441 How much is your flyer going to save me on wings? 59 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,876 Fine. It's a flyer from my play. 60 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,078 Oh, Lily, I'd love to, but we're not in college 61 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,814 and I'm not trying to sleep with you. 62 00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,649 So anyway, this mermaid... 63 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,918 Hey, Lily's friend asked her to be in this play, 64 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,186 and it's gonna be really good. 65 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:35,456 Lily, I love you, but we're too old for this. 66 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,625 Asking someone to come see your play 67 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,893 is like asking someone for a ride to the airport 68 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,963 or to crash on your couch or to help you move. 69 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,064 Call a cab, book a room, 70 00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:46,534 hire some movers and repeat after me: 71 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:49,970 Friends don't let friends come see their crappy play. 72 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,038 TED: Okay, first of all, 73 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:53,241 I've thought about it 74 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,375 and top half fish. 75 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,310 Second of all, we need you guys 76 00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,911 to decide something for us. 77 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,513 Yes, you should break up. 78 00:03:01,081 --> 00:03:03,217 So, earlier tonight... 79 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:06,854 Mm, we should get down to the bar. 80 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,889 I know we should, 81 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:12,125 but you just look so sexy in my red sweatshirt. 82 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:13,093 Mm... 83 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,195 Mm... Mm... 84 00:03:15,229 --> 00:03:17,965 Oh, God, why is this part of the story? 85 00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:19,066 We're getting to it. 86 00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,369 Damn, my face is so dry. 87 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:22,470 Is there any moisturizer around here? 88 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,137 Yeah, there's some in the bathroom. 89 00:03:24,171 --> 00:03:25,473 Got to moisturize! 90 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,808 Got to keep that pretty face moist. 91 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,678 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! 92 00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:33,781 What's wrong with her? She hates that word. 93 00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:35,082 What word, "moist"? 94 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,150 No! Seriously, stop! 95 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,453 So, anyway, Ted goes into the bathroom 96 00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,588 to get the moist... 97 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:42,290 face lotion... 98 00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,325 Wow, this is great stuff. 99 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,527 Now I know the secret to your great complexion. 100 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,128 What are you talking about? It's yours. 101 00:03:48,161 --> 00:03:49,196 No, it's not. 102 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,298 Oh, well... 103 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:51,932 then I guess it's Lily's. 104 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:52,833 No, it's not. 105 00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,337 Whose moisturizer is this, Ted? 106 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,005 Um, my sister's. 107 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,808 So, in other words, some girl you went out with. 108 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:03,677 Um... I love you. 109 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:07,047 Disgusting. You let me put on the same moisturizer 110 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,382 as one of your exes? 111 00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:09,583 It was probably Carla's. 112 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,018 Her face was a train wreck. 113 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:14,588 I'm don't think Ted was dating her for her face. 114 00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:16,457 Thank you, Marshall. 115 00:04:16,490 --> 00:04:18,158 Thank you so much. 116 00:04:18,191 --> 00:04:20,528 Why is that still in your apartment? 117 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,463 I don't know. I just never threw it out. 118 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,832 Well, why not? Do you still have feelings for this girl? 119 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,134 Yeah. I'm madly in love with her, 120 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,036 and the only way I can deal with it 121 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:31,271 is by holding onto a three-dollar tube of lotion. 122 00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,273 Not three dollars! Try 14. 123 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,077 Why is this such a big deal? 124 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:40,147 Because I don't want to use some whore's moisturizer! 125 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,882 Whoa, she wasn't a whore. 126 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:45,018 Well, she's leaving expensive lotions all over town. 127 00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,820 It sounds like a whore to me. 128 00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:47,755 What else do you have 129 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,490 from old girlfriends just lying around? 130 00:04:49,523 --> 00:04:51,158 Nothing. That's it. 131 00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:53,494 Well, except for the phone booth. 132 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,929 And the lamp by the desk... 133 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,399 and the... 134 00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,102 No. 135 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,837 No! 136 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,872 No! 137 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:06,540 Oh, Ted! 138 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:08,141 Ah, the age-old question: 139 00:05:08,175 --> 00:05:09,343 after you break up with someone, 140 00:05:09,377 --> 00:05:10,878 what do you do with the stuff? 141 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,481 Question? Ain't no question, girl. 142 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:15,383 Obviously, he's got to get rid of it. 143 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,617 Which is obviously crazy 144 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,386 and obviously, I'm not gonna do it. 145 00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,921 So we agreed that we would let you guys decide. 146 00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,856 Yeah, like we did with Marshall's pants. 147 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,659 Ah, the 2005 landmark case 148 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:28,596 of Lily v. The Joey Buttafuoco Pants. 149 00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:29,963 Huh? 150 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,299 Huh? 151 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,200 Nice, right? 152 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,569 I'm gonna have to say no. 153 00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:36,804 I don't want some 154 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,539 16-year-old girl falling in love with you 155 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,608 and then shooting Lily in the face. 156 00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:41,509 Yes! 157 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,111 I vote they can stay. 158 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,313 "Check out the jackass in the parachute pants" 159 00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:47,581 is a good icebreaker. 160 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:49,383 Ted. 161 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:52,453 Ted? Ted? 162 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,887 Sorry, buddy, it's a "no" for me, too. 163 00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:56,824 Oh, and by the way, Bel Biv Devoe called. 164 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,460 Even they don't want those pants back. 165 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,429 They were insanely comfortable! 166 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,131 They were like pajamas you could wear outside. 167 00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:06,299 Marshall, it's over. 168 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,701 We even gave you an appeal 169 00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,503 and they didn't look any better with combat boots. 170 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:11,972 All right, well, let's hear the arguments. 171 00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,340 Ted, you go first. 172 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,909 Okay. The fact that I still have things from ex-girlfriends 173 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,144 is no big deal. 174 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,547 I mean, when I see the phone booth on the piano, 175 00:06:19,580 --> 00:06:21,181 I don't think of Jeannie Radford, 176 00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:23,917 I think of the good times I had backpacking through Europe. 177 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:26,754 And when I see the lamp, I don't think of Allison Moses. 178 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,122 I remember when I was broke, just out of college, 179 00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:30,591 and I really needed a lamp. 180 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,493 And when I see that throw pillow, 181 00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:33,861 I don't think of Lauren Stein. 182 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,529 I think of that weird orange-brown stain 183 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:37,197 and how it got there. 184 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,532 Creamsicle and turkey gravy, 185 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,601 not at the same time. 186 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,903 Well, that's adorable, 187 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,638 but from now on, when I walk into the apartment, 188 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:45,806 here is what I will see. 189 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:49,443 I'm Ted's college girlfriend. 190 00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,612 He made me 12 mix tapes. 191 00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:54,515 How many has he made you? 192 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:57,150 He calls you "sweetie pie"? 193 00:06:57,184 --> 00:07:00,954 He called me "sweetie pie." 194 00:07:00,988 --> 00:07:07,160 I'm stupid, but my rack is bigger than yours. 195 00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,295 Really? 196 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:09,830 You can't look at a pillow 197 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,932 without seeing my ex-girlfriend-- a pillow! 198 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,101 Yes, Ted, the fact that you still have that pillow 199 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,435 is creepy and gross. 200 00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:16,737 Well, you're creepy and gross. 201 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,205 Well, your mom's creepy and gross. 202 00:07:18,238 --> 00:07:20,574 You're the... Order! Order! 203 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,476 I got to side with Robin. 204 00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,911 She's your girlfriend, 205 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,813 and if the stuff upsets her, you got to get rid of it. 206 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,715 I've got to side with Ted. 207 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,282 Just 'cause you still have something 208 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,418 an ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't mean you're holding onto her. 209 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,253 TED: All right, Barney. 210 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,022 It all comes down to you. 211 00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,457 I side with Robin. 212 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:38,726 What? 213 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,928 Ted, your place is too cluttered. 214 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,896 It's like you're living in a Bennigan's. 215 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,898 Or a Danby's. 216 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,101 What, they don't have Danby's in the US? 217 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,270 Really? 218 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,605 Well, then were do you get 219 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,306 Grizzly Paw ice cream sandwiches? 220 00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,709 Just stop, sweetie. 221 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:59,179 TED: So I had no choice. 222 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,147 I packed up everything 223 00:08:00,180 --> 00:08:02,049 I had gotten from ex-girlfriends. 224 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,483 It was painful, 225 00:08:03,517 --> 00:08:08,088 but not as painful as what I had to endure later that night. 226 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:10,157 New York is famous for its theater, 227 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:11,859 but there's many different levels. 228 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,929 There's Broadway, off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway, 229 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:19,199 homeless people screaming in the park, 230 00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:23,370 and then below that, the play Aunt Lily was in. 231 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,972 Eight flights of stairs. 232 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:28,275 Who puts a theater up eight flights of stairs? 233 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,710 What kind of building is this? 234 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:33,781 From the smell of it, I'm guessing a urine factory. 235 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,415 Hey, where do you guys want to sit? 236 00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:38,085 I know where I don't want to sit. 237 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,853 Guys, four together! 238 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,893 I brought a bag in case anyone needs to puke. 239 00:08:45,926 --> 00:08:47,628 Come on. It's not gonna be that bad. 240 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:48,996 No? Okay. 241 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,974 Shh. 242 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,310 (gong sounds) 243 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:08,281 I... am... Rage! 244 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,322 I... am Greed. 245 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,425 (gong rings) 246 00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:22,696 I am Rage... Envy! 247 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,598 (quietly): I am outta here. 248 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,034 No, you're not. You have to stay. 249 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:33,473 This is the face of Consumerism! 250 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:37,811 Oh, my God. Ted's part of the play. 251 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:40,648 (cast gasping) 252 00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:46,586 Hello, Greed, Rage... 253 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,922 Envy... 254 00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,694 and Consumerism. 255 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:58,832 I... 256 00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:01,501 am your father... 257 00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:03,570 America! 258 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,205 (cast gasping) 259 00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,788 (cheering) 260 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,322 Oh, baby, that was wonderful! 261 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,958 Totally, I had no idea Greed was the killer. 262 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,894 And when it became a play within a play, 263 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,396 I was, like, "Now we are really cookin'! 264 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,099 Wow, Lily, that sucked! 265 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,234 Barney! 266 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:36,003 What? It was terrible. 267 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:38,005 I mean, come on. You guys agree, right? 268 00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:40,407 Hey, sorry, I'm just being honest 269 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:41,541 'cause, you know, we're friends. 270 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:44,311 No, friends make each other feel good. 271 00:10:44,344 --> 00:10:46,914 They build each other up and support them. 272 00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:48,816 That's what being a good friend is about. 273 00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:51,251 Yeah, if you're a Smurf. 274 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,620 You know if you did a play, I would sit through 275 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,724 the whole thing and I would compliment you on it afterwards. 276 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,826 Oh, really? You would? Yes. 277 00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:02,229 Bad move, Aldrin, bad move. 278 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,230 (man clears throat) 279 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,531 We'll be starting 280 00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:06,066 our Q&A with the director-- 281 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,903 yours truly-- in five minutes right here. 282 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:12,672 (chairs clanging loudly) 283 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:17,010 Can you believe Barney said that about Lily's play? 284 00:11:17,044 --> 00:11:18,846 I know. He can be really insensitive. 285 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,814 Yeah... It was pretty bad, though. 286 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,016 Oh, my God, it was so bad. 287 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:30,557 Oh, my God, you've been robbed! 288 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:32,692 Nope. 289 00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:38,131 All that stuff was from old girlfriends? 290 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,535 Don't you buy anything for yourself? 291 00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:43,804 What can I say? 292 00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,538 Papa gets swag. 293 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,107 Mmm... 294 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,809 And that should've been the end of it. 295 00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,010 But the next day... 296 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,644 You know, at first I was really bummed 297 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,213 about getting rid of all my stuff. 298 00:11:53,246 --> 00:11:55,348 But seeing how happy it makes you-- totally worth it. 299 00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,250 Mm, that's kind of how I feel when I begrudgingly 300 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,052 have sex with you when I'm really tired. 301 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,554 Exactly. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team. 302 00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,256 (growling) 303 00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:04,491 Well, sit. 304 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:05,959 Sit, yeah. 305 00:12:05,993 --> 00:12:07,995 So you never keep anything your ex-boyfriends gave you? 306 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:08,962 Nope. 307 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:11,064 Well, except for my dogs. 308 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,915 So I had to get rid of everything 309 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,582 from my past relationships because 310 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,885 you don't keep things from your past relationships 311 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,954 except, uh, where are your five dogs from? 312 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:37,024 Oh, that's right: your past relationships. 313 00:12:37,057 --> 00:12:38,125 What's your point, Ted? 314 00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:39,626 Well, you know how you said 315 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:40,894 you come over to my apartment, 316 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:43,030 and all you can see are my ex-girlfriends? 317 00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,832 What, so when you look at my dogs, 318 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,199 all you see is my ex-boyfriends? 319 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,704 Good boy. 320 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:53,640 I do now. 321 00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:56,009 That's ridiculous. 322 00:12:56,043 --> 00:12:57,277 I thought you said you got rid 323 00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,846 of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you. 324 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,348 Well, yeah, but not my dogs. You said everything. 325 00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:02,682 But not living things. 326 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,618 Well, tell that to the rare Bolivian cactus I threw away. 327 00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,288 Things with a heartbeat can stay. 328 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:12,625 Enjoying this? 329 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,261 Pickles, go get your ball. 330 00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,430 Go get your ball. 331 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,702 Just admit it. 332 00:13:22,735 --> 00:13:23,803 It was a little hypocritical of you 333 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,105 to make me get rid of all my stuff. 334 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,307 Well, what do you want me to do, Ted? 335 00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:28,408 Get rid of my dogs? 336 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:32,980 Guess what position we did it in. 337 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,448 Yes. Yes, I want you to get rid of your dogs. 338 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:37,317 Um, no. 339 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,424 Really? Well, I say 340 00:13:44,457 --> 00:13:48,228 we take it to the group, but I don't like your chances. 341 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,098 She's not getting rid of the dogs. 342 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:52,799 What's the matter with you? 343 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,601 Even I wouldn't do that. 344 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:55,969 Yes! Ugh! 345 00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,171 You can ask somebody to get rid of their iguana 346 00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:00,473 after it poops in your hair, but not their dog. 347 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,809 I miss Jebediah. 348 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,544 Oh, I almost forgot. 349 00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:07,347 Flyers for my new play. 350 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,681 Very funny. 351 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,050 Oh, it's not a joke. 352 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:12,052 It's my one-man show premiering tomorrow night. 353 00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,587 And even though it's terrible and excruciatingly long, 354 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:17,690 I expect you all to be there since we're such good friends. 355 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,226 Oh, we'll be there. 356 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,627 Unless, of course, you just want to admit that you were wrong... 357 00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:22,229 Never. Good. 358 00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,965 Okay, I gotta go rehearse. 359 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,934 Oh, I almost forgot. 360 00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:28,835 Bring a poncho; the first three rows get wet. 361 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,970 (clicks tongue) 362 00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:46,453 I'm sorry I didn't tell you where the dogs came from. 363 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:49,589 I'm sorry I asked you to get rid of them. 364 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:50,757 That was ridiculous. 365 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,693 So we're-we're okay? 366 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,228 Yeah, we're great. 367 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:57,664 And I thought we were, 368 00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:58,966 but just as it did 369 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,101 in the seventh act of Aunt Lily's play, 370 00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,370 Jealousy reared its ugly head. 371 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:14,181 Oh, yeah, baby, that's the spot. 372 00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:22,655 * So messed up, I want you here * 373 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:29,496 * But now I wanna be your dog... * 374 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:30,730 Dude, I gotta pee. 375 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:33,166 * Now I wanna be your dog 376 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:34,767 Sorry, I... I gotta go. 377 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:38,471 * Now I wanna be your dog... 378 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,373 (door shuts) 379 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,176 Oh, he's really having trouble dealing with this, huh? 380 00:15:43,210 --> 00:15:44,577 Yeah, he really is. 381 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:47,880 It's got me thinking, maybe I should get rid of my dogs. 382 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,350 Might be time to send them to the farm. 383 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,285 You're gonna kill your dogs?! 384 00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,321 No! No, no, no, there really is a farm. 385 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,689 My aunt has a farm upstate. 386 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,225 Oh, thank God. 387 00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,460 Aw, you know, if I were five dogs, 388 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:04,164 I'd rather live on a farm than in an apartment in Brooklyn. 389 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,499 Yeah. I could visit them on weekends. 390 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:09,169 My aunt is awfully lonely up there. 391 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:10,537 It's just her and her lover, Betty. 392 00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:14,074 Oh, that's perfect. They love dogs. 393 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,775 "They"? What do you mean by "they"? 394 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:17,177 Uh... uh.... uh... 395 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,378 People upstate. 396 00:16:18,411 --> 00:16:20,047 Oh, look, it's starting. Shh! 397 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,517 Are you sure you're gonna be okay? 398 00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,453 I mean, you know that this is gonna be... I know, 399 00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,188 but I'm gonna sit through the whole thing, 400 00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,623 and I'm gonna say something nice about it afterwards. 401 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,159 You know why? 402 00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:33,760 Because that's what friends do. Hmm. 403 00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:45,472 (gong chimes) 404 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:51,078 Moist. 405 00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:54,481 Moist. 406 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,015 Moist. 407 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,650 Moist. 408 00:16:57,684 --> 00:17:00,019 TED: That was the first 40 minutes of Barney's show. 409 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,122 Moist. 410 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:05,358 And then we endured about 20 minutes of this. 411 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,565 (sighs) 412 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:18,971 I have to go refill. 413 00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,107 I'll be back in a moment. 414 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,374 Play's not over. 415 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:28,515 I never get picked for audience participation. 416 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,418 And then it just got weird. 417 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,653 (makes electrical buzzing sounds) 418 00:17:35,088 --> 00:17:37,824 (staccato rhythm): Feelings. 419 00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,793 Inside. 420 00:17:40,827 --> 00:17:42,795 Oh, no! 421 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:46,533 BARNEY: Beep, beep, beep. 422 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,000 Beep. 423 00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:51,070 (makes buzzing and whirring sounds) 424 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,439 (buzzing) 425 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,142 TED: And when that didn't work... 426 00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,844 (playing sprightly melody) 427 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:05,152 (stopping and starting) 428 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:12,992 (plays one high-pitched note over and over again) 429 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,761 Okay! 430 00:18:14,794 --> 00:18:16,028 Stop! 431 00:18:16,062 --> 00:18:17,697 You win. Fine. 432 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:21,134 Barney, I'm sorry I made you come to my show. 433 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,469 Thank you, Lily. 434 00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,504 Is there anything you'd like to say about my show? 435 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,772 No. 436 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,808 No, I have nothing nice to say about your show. 437 00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,210 You were right, Barney. 438 00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:32,044 Let's go to the bar. 439 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,946 Yes! I win! 440 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,782 I love winning! 441 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,217 Oh, Lily. 442 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:39,118 Oh, Lily, Lily, Lily. 443 00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,920 I was just getting warmed up, man! 444 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:44,457 If you had any idea what was coming up in act two... oh! 445 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:47,394 Well, I imagine it was pretty awful, so let's go. 446 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:48,861 Pretty awful? Pretty awful?! 447 00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:50,597 It was a masterpiece of awful. 448 00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:52,699 It's genius how bad it is. 449 00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,901 I kind of wish you guys could see it. 450 00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,336 Yeah, well, anyway. 451 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:58,571 Act two is where I really hit my stride. 452 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,775 Spoiler alert: the robot falls in love. 453 00:19:04,277 --> 00:19:05,912 How about this, Barney? 454 00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:10,750 How about we stay and-and watch the rest of your show? 455 00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,222 It's your funeral. 456 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,291 Five, six, one, two. 457 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:21,093 (playing high-pitched melody) 458 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,129 So we stayed and let Barney torture us 459 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,232 for another hour and a half, 460 00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:28,668 'cause that's what friends do, apparently. 461 00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:30,837 Hey. 462 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:31,904 Where've you been? 463 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:32,972 I called you earlier. 464 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,007 I gave my dogs away to my aunt. 465 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:36,476 You what? 466 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:40,880 Yeah. Just for a few months as a test run, but... 467 00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,416 I think it's for the best. 468 00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,817 Wow. 469 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,220 Oh, man. 470 00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:49,121 Aw... 471 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,123 Can we go inside? 472 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:52,359 Uh, no. 473 00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,093 Uh, let's go to the bar. Why? 474 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,929 What's going on inside? Um, the floors are gone. 475 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,899 What? Yeah. I-I sent them out to get, um, fixed. 476 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,033 This is a terrible lie. 477 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,269 I'm just going to bail. 478 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,783 I didn't know you were getting rid of the dogs! 479 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,951 You said you threw all that stuff away! 480 00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:21,654 TED: Kids, this was the worst fight Robin and I ever had. 481 00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:24,991 It was one of those fights that last for hours 482 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,526 and you start to get woozy and lose track 483 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,027 of what you're fighting about. 484 00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,462 We fought for so long, 485 00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,898 seasons changed outside the window. 486 00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:35,302 Pages of the calendar blew off. It was crazy. 487 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,936 But, ultimately, and I couldn't tell you how 488 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:40,873 for the life of me, but somehow we got to here. 489 00:20:44,143 --> 00:20:46,078 We're really doing this? 490 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:49,682 Yeah. 491 00:20:49,716 --> 00:20:51,117 We're moving in together! We're moving in together! 492 00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,320 (joyous laughter) 493 00:20:54,554 --> 00:20:56,323 Congratulations! Thank you. 494 00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:01,027 (staccato rhythm): * Robot found love 495 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,262 * Confusing my circuitry 496 00:21:03,296 --> 00:21:04,997 * My software's been hacked 497 00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:14,006 * Toaster oven, you're the one for me. * 498 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:16,976 Two, three, four. 499 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:18,978 (grunting) 500 00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:26,986 That's two. 501 00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:30,357 Amazing finish.