1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:03,037 TED: Kids, there's nothing 2 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:04,472 more wonderful than New York City 3 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,075 in the winter... except the view of New York City 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,942 in the winter through your apartment window. 5 00:00:08,976 --> 00:00:11,079 In the winter of 2006, 6 00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,980 Marshall, Lily, Robin and I were all deep 7 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,815 in couple hibernation mode. 8 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:17,418 Sadly, this left Uncle Barney out in the cold. 9 00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:18,586 Okay. 10 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:19,920 All-night rave, 11 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,555 abandoned tire factory in Newark. 12 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:23,291 We're on the list. Who's in? 13 00:00:23,324 --> 00:00:25,359 Nope. No. No. No. 14 00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:27,995 Private jet. 15 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,130 Teeterboro Airport, 16 00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:30,898 skinny-skydiving. Who's in? 17 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,133 Nope. Nah. No, thanks. 18 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:35,603 One beer. 19 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:37,171 Bar, downstairs, 20 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,507 15 second walk. Who's in? 21 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,941 Shh... 22 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,643 (whispering): Lily went sleepy-bye. 23 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,247 It got so bad, Barney 24 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,549 tried to be his own wingman. Hi. 25 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:49,783 Have you met me? 26 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,888 Finally, he decided to bring in reinforcements. 27 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,124 ALL: No. 28 00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:58,792 Yes. And do you know why? 29 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:02,196 Hang onto your bedsores, grandparents from Willy Wonka, 30 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,664 because guess who's 31 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,933 on his way up to this apartment right now? 32 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,736 My... wait for it... 33 00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:11,004 brother, James. React. 34 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,273 ALL: Hey! 35 00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:13,341 You have a brother? 36 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,276 Yeah. He's the "awesome-est," 37 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,610 most best "looking-est," 38 00:01:16,644 --> 00:01:17,911 greatest guy ever. 39 00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:20,080 He's exactly like Barney. 40 00:01:20,114 --> 00:01:21,815 That's what I just said. 41 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,186 Well, Barney and his brother aren't exactly alike. 42 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,154 James is gay. 43 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,488 Really? 44 00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,022 I never in a million years 45 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:31,091 would I picture you with a gay brother, that's awesome. 46 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,226 Yeah. I just wanted you 47 00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:33,961 to have a heads up, so you don't 48 00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,196 act all surprised when he gets here. 49 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,165 (knocking) Okay. Here he is. 50 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,302 What up, New York. 51 00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:44,838 Thanks for the heads up. 52 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,723 How in God's name did it never come up 53 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,825 that Barney has a gay, black brother? 54 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,827 Is he black? 55 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,496 I guess I'm the kind of person that focuses 56 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,697 on who people are on the inside 57 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,366 rather than the color of their skin. 58 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,368 I'm kidding, I just wanted to see your face. 59 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,371 Yeah, so now the wedding's back on. 60 00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,006 Anyway, James, how have you been? 61 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,441 Awesome, as per "yoozh." 62 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,075 I just went skinny-skydiving. 63 00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,277 Legendary. 64 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,545 And my laser tag team, 65 00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:26,013 just made it to regional finals. 66 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:27,715 "Legendarier." 67 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:28,682 And by now you've 68 00:02:28,716 --> 00:02:31,018 noticed the suit-- go 'head, touch it. 69 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,287 Handcrafted by Pietro Dellacamera, 70 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:37,725 Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor 71 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,893 who upon completing the very last stitch 72 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,629 in this suit dropped dead, 73 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,597 which is ironic because that is how 74 00:02:43,631 --> 00:02:45,733 gorgeous I look in it. C'mon. 75 00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,536 (vocalizing) (mimics shutter clicks) 76 00:02:49,470 --> 00:02:51,272 (mimics aerosol spraying) 77 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:52,706 Gimme five. 78 00:02:52,740 --> 00:02:54,442 Is "gimme five" back? Oh, yeah. 79 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:56,577 I put it in my blog this morning. 80 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,879 Guys, "gimme five" is back! 81 00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:01,382 Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin. Hey. 82 00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,517 It's so nice to meet you. You, too. 83 00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,053 So, I have to ask, there's a story here. 84 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,422 BOTH (snickering): Please. 85 00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:11,091 The truth is, Barney and James got a lot of... 86 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:13,327 different explanations from their mom over the years. 87 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,596 Well, boys, you look different 88 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,498 because when I was pregnant with you, 89 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,600 I only ate vanilla ice cream. 90 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,635 And when I was pregnant with you, 91 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,904 can you guess what kind of ice cream I ate? 92 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,106 Coffee? No, James, 93 00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,276 I ate chocolate ice cream. 94 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,344 But I did drink tons of coffee 95 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:31,779 when I was pregnant with both of you. 96 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,581 Can't smoke without my coffee. 97 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,782 (Mom laughs) 98 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:38,719 I don't know, boys, I guess it's just one of those things. 99 00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:41,489 Stop asking me! 100 00:03:41,522 --> 00:03:42,856 You know what you two are? 101 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,658 You're little racists! 102 00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:46,460 So what are you guys gonna do tonight? 103 00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:47,961 I'll tell you what James is gonna do. 104 00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,130 He's gonna do the job you've been neglecting. 105 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:51,732 And, as always, he'll do it 106 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,534 a lot better than you ever did. 107 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:55,235 Ted... 108 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:58,238 James is my wingman now. 109 00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,674 Okay. 110 00:04:00,708 --> 00:04:02,876 Last time James was in town, 111 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,478 Barney got slapped once, 112 00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,280 lucky twice, and... 113 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,815 whose penthouse hot tub did you end up in? 114 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,083 Ah, public figure, confidentiality agreement. 115 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:11,385 But I will say this: 116 00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,387 way more back hair than any guy 117 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,889 who can afford laser hair removal should have. 118 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,725 And then there was the time 119 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,193 they scored the brother/sister combo. 120 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,429 It was everything 121 00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:22,863 we ever dreamed of when watching 122 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,264 Donnie and Marie. 123 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,766 She was a little bit country. 124 00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:28,769 He was a little bit way into black guys. 125 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,972 Yeah, Barney and James together was a lethal combination. 126 00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:34,642 Since there was never any crossover in targets, 127 00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:37,077 James was always there for Barney with the assist. 128 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,012 (snaps fingers) 129 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,183 (mimics skidding): Whoa. 130 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:44,985 Your scarf... 131 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,253 it is fierce! 132 00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:47,921 Thanks. H & M. 133 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,357 What? I would never know, 134 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,992 'cause it is so hot that my eyes are melting. 135 00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:53,794 Oh, I can't see. 136 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,330 Hey! You know, speaking of things 137 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,466 that would look good wrapped around you, 138 00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:01,034 have you met my straight brother, Barney? 139 00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:02,970 Oh, he is fab-- don't you go nowhere-- 140 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,104 "ulous." Okay? 141 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,305 (laughing) 142 00:05:05,339 --> 00:05:07,475 And Barney always returned the favor. 143 00:05:07,508 --> 00:05:09,076 Help, I don't think he's breathing. 144 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,878 Does anyone know mouth-to-mouth? 145 00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:12,079 Oh, my God, I do! 146 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:15,015 Okay, great. How 'bout you instead? 147 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,752 Oh, man, I am so excited that you're here! 148 00:05:18,786 --> 00:05:20,521 It has been forever since I have been around 149 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,456 anyone even remotely fun. 150 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,124 Uh, yes offense. 151 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,994 You guys are still going out with us tonight, right? 152 00:05:27,027 --> 00:05:27,828 No. 153 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,029 Jammies. I don't think so. 154 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,531 Tonight? It's after 9:00 155 00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:33,701 and... I have warm soup belly. 156 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,236 Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys... 157 00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:39,339 you are young, attractive people here 158 00:05:39,373 --> 00:05:41,341 in the greatest city on earth. 159 00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,943 There are boys and girls 160 00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,579 in Nobody Cares, Wyoming, wishing they could be here. 161 00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,615 But instead, they are in someone's basement 162 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:49,617 drinking bad malt liquor, debating 163 00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:51,719 whether or not they're going to spend their Saturday night 164 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,353 in the parking lot of the feed store 165 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,222 or in some other dude's basement. 166 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,257 You owe it to them 167 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,760 to rise up and shimmy your lazy asses 168 00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,629 into something hot, and you go out there 169 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,597 and you live their dream! 170 00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:04,598 Can I get a "hell, yeah"? 171 00:06:04,632 --> 00:06:05,966 Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah! 172 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,735 Can I get a "hell, yeah"? All: Hell, yeah! 173 00:06:07,768 --> 00:06:10,070 Can I get a "woo-woo"? ALL: Woo-woo! 174 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,104 Go do it for Wyoming! 175 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:13,006 (excited screams) Yes! 176 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,708 Testify! 177 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:17,478 So that night, Barney got his wish. 178 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:18,946 We all went out. 179 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:21,114 Daddy's home! 180 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:23,016 Yeah. 181 00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,386 All right, bro. What do you like? 182 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:28,489 Guy in super tight black T? 183 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,323 Super tight black guy? 184 00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,992 Guy who looks like Mr. T? 185 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:33,360 Mmm, yes, yes, and... 186 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,463 talk to me after two martinis. 187 00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,465 Let's focus on you, my man. 188 00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:39,099 I'm feeling lazy. 189 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:41,168 (gasps): How 'bout girl with the chocolatini? 190 00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,504 Oh... boom, back tattoo. 191 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:46,273 Hero and the pig? Let's ride. 192 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:47,641 Fo' 'sho. 193 00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:52,913 Damn baby, nice tramp stamp! 194 00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,114 Get off me, you pig! 195 00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,449 Hey! Her body art 196 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:56,717 is not an invitation to grope her, 197 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,719 it's an expression of her inner self. 198 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,287 I'm sure, in many ways, she is 199 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,189 the dolphin encircled by flowers. 200 00:07:03,156 --> 00:07:04,424 What? What? What? What? 201 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,660 Cool. 202 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:10,631 Let me know if he bothers you again. Thanks. 203 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,199 You should stay close... 204 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,467 just in case. 205 00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:15,969 Sure. If it'll make you feel safer. 206 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,838 I'm Barney. 207 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:21,374 Now, kids, when you're out at a noisy, crowded bar, 208 00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:22,710 you can always tell the difference 209 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:24,512 between the singles 210 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,913 and the couples. 211 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,681 You just have to look for the signs. 212 00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:29,983 Break. Boiling hot. 213 00:07:30,017 --> 00:07:32,219 Singles stay on their feet for maneuverability. 214 00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,687 Hey! Hi, how are ya? 215 00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,089 BOTH: Have you met my brother? 216 00:07:37,224 --> 00:07:39,560 Oh, hello. Have a drink. 217 00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,061 Nice to meet ya. 218 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:44,998 Couples, exhausted 219 00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:47,535 by the sheer act of leaving the house, are obsessed 220 00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:49,069 with finding a place to sit down. 221 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,639 There are a lot of other indicators, too. 222 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:54,041 From choice of social lubricant... 223 00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,342 Woo! Wow! 224 00:07:55,375 --> 00:07:57,611 ...to basic body language. 225 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,647 But the point is, 226 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,182 there are many ways to tell whether someone has 227 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,585 Single Stamina or Couples Coma. 228 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:05,986 I wish I would've worn sneakers. 229 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,689 I just got finished running from some fat, hairy guy 230 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:11,525 who was periscoping out of his pleather pants. 231 00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:13,594 Permission to come aboard denied. 232 00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,963 I miss my jammies. 233 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,298 I can't believe I wore a bra for this. 234 00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,535 Bras suck. They're so confining and unnatural. 235 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,303 Yeah, they're like a boobie zoo. 236 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:24,271 MAN: Well, why don't you 237 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,939 take it off then and let those puppies breathe? 238 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,108 Oh, please go sweat on someone else. 239 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:30,878 Poor guy. 240 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,546 Poor guy? Poor my boobs. 241 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,447 Well, it takes a lot of guts to approach 242 00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,249 a girl and you just crushed him. 243 00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:38,886 Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks all broken up inside. 244 00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,655 Whatever, you guys have no idea what it's like 245 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:42,890 to be on the receiving end. 246 00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,727 "Oh, poor me. I'm a pretty girl 247 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:48,562 "and everybody everywhere wants to buy me 248 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:49,963 drinks and have sex with me." 249 00:08:49,997 --> 00:08:51,231 Waa. 250 00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:54,034 "Oh, poor me. I get to order yummy, pink drinks 251 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,136 "with chunks of real fruit that guys secretly like, 252 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,705 but can't order because they'll be made fun of." 253 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,273 Dude. They're delicious! 254 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,776 Excuse me. Join me in a shot? 255 00:09:02,810 --> 00:09:04,645 Oh, no thanks. I've had enough. 256 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:10,450 He's too in shape, we'd spend all night 257 00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:12,319 talking about his body fat content. 258 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,123 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have 259 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:18,291 a yummy, pink drink with fruit in it... 260 00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:19,627 because I can. 261 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,864 You know, that was, like, the third hot guy 262 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,132 that James blew off tonight. 263 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,067 Yeah, he's turning down shots, 264 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,569 he's yawning, he's whining about his feet. 265 00:09:29,603 --> 00:09:31,204 He's as bad as we are. 266 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,239 He is. 267 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,907 Wait, he's exactly as bad as we are. 268 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:34,875 You guys don't think 269 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,277 that James is... in a relationship? 270 00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:40,413 No. There's no way. He's Barney's brother. 271 00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:41,649 Look at that. 272 00:09:43,016 --> 00:09:45,118 He's texting! (all gasping) 273 00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:47,254 TED: Oh, my God! 274 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,588 He is in a couple. 275 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,490 This is gonna kill Barney. 276 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:51,825 What's gonna kill me? 277 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,427 What's going on? 278 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:55,996 B-Barney? 279 00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,365 Have you noticed anything... 280 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,267 different about James? 281 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,702 No. 282 00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:04,972 I mean, he's glowing from his peel, if that's what you mean. 283 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,642 We have reason to believe that James is, 284 00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,477 uh, maybe hiding something from you. 285 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,545 I-I know you're not gonna like hearing this, but... 286 00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:13,714 Barney... 287 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:17,350 your brother is... 288 00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,519 (whispering): monogamous. 289 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,855 That's ridiculous! 290 00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,758 Just because he's a little sleepy, 291 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,759 and he hasn't had sex 292 00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:28,628 with anyone in a bathroom stall... 293 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,097 Huh. 294 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,433 He hasn't had sex with anyone in a bathroom stall. 295 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,402 And, Barney... 296 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:37,604 I hate to be the one 297 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,174 to tell you this, but... he's texting. 298 00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,042 No, he... 299 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,276 No! 300 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,747 That... 301 00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,016 is impossible. 302 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:52,285 Excuse... 303 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,287 Excuse... Ex... 304 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,456 Hey, bro. 305 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,391 Don't change the subject. 306 00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,326 Let me see your phone. 307 00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:00,127 Why? 308 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,528 I just want to see your phone. 309 00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,763 Let me see your phone. 310 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,464 No, it's just a phone. It's just a phone! 311 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,734 And it's got Internet access, and it's got a camera on it, 312 00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:08,736 and you can surf the Web and do the whole thing. 313 00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,170 It's so amazing how far technology has come. 314 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,604 What kind of phone do you have? 315 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,273 I got... 316 00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,146 Who is this? 317 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,915 And the answer better be: "I don't remember his name." 318 00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,285 That is Tom. 319 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,188 And he's my fiancé. 320 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,665 (groans) 321 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,467 I don't support this. 322 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,568 Gay marriage? 323 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:44,104 Not gay marriage-- marriage! 324 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,205 (shivers) 325 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,573 How can you do this? 326 00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:49,642 We were raised in the same house, with the same values! 327 00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:50,710 Believe me, 328 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:53,013 I fought this for a long time. 329 00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,015 Come on, it's embarrassing. 330 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,716 Look, 331 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,786 this felt unnatural to me, too, at first. 332 00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,788 But I fell in love. 333 00:12:01,789 --> 00:12:03,723 And Tom and I realized you can't fight love. 334 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:04,925 Oh, God. 335 00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,293 Is that what you two do together? 336 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,796 You sit around the house and talk about love? 337 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,798 I think... (groans) I'm gonna be sick. 338 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,900 Okay, okay, look, 339 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,835 I need you to wrap your head around this, okay? 340 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,069 Because it is happening. 341 00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:19,406 And I want you to be my best man. 342 00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,774 What? 343 00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,209 No way. 344 00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:28,348 Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. 345 00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:35,488 I hope you change your mind. 346 00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,029 Two beers, one shot. 347 00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:44,497 Oh, it's a freaking epidemic. 348 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,668 (giggling) 349 00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,037 Oh, sweetie! 350 00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:51,371 Did you make that for me? 351 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:54,107 Yes. 352 00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:57,510 Clam Bake. 353 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:59,112 Staten Island. Who's in? 354 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:02,149 Okay, I didn't have high hopes for that one. 355 00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:04,684 Okay, here's my thing. 356 00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:06,519 If gay guys start getting married, 357 00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,588 then suddenly the whole world's gonna be doing it. 358 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,522 That's how it works. 359 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,358 They start something, then six months later, 360 00:13:11,391 --> 00:13:12,525 everyone follows. 361 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,262 Like now everyone gets manicures. 362 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:16,864 I don't get manicures. 363 00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,798 Okay, then like how... 364 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:19,933 Like getting your chest waxed. 365 00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,734 (gasps): You get your chest waxed? 366 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,136 You know what I mean! 367 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,839 Gay marriage is going to cause 368 00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,275 single life, as we know it, to die out. 369 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,979 Think of how the American family will be strengthened. 370 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,146 Barney, I'm sorry you're upset, 371 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:35,548 but you got to suck it up and be a man about this. 372 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:36,383 No. 373 00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,152 It's always been me and him together, 374 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:42,822 being awesome, while the rest of you walked two-by-two 375 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,958 onto your ark of sexless boredom. 376 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:47,394 Just because James is getting married 377 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,162 doesn't mean things are going to change. 378 00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,563 Yeah. 379 00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,299 Like things haven't changed with you people. 380 00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:55,869 Look, my sister married a guy I didn't like. 381 00:13:55,903 --> 00:13:58,238 Sandals and socks-- come on, buddy. 382 00:13:58,271 --> 00:14:00,740 But I took her out, we celebrated. 383 00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,075 It was the right thing to do. 384 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:03,376 You got to support him. 385 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,578 Hmm. 386 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,680 You're right, Ted. 387 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,217 This is a cause for celebration. 388 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,720 We need to take him out and celebrate the commitment 389 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,822 he and Tom are about to make. 390 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,490 (dance music playing) 391 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,392 Yeah. 392 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,261 This is where we're celebrating the commitment 393 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:22,963 that Tom and I are about to make? 394 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,197 What? Yeah! 395 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:27,334 See, that cage represents your commitment. 396 00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:32,973 (giggling) 397 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,174 Oh, my God. 398 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,343 Freedom has never tasted so delicious. 399 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,911 Hey. 400 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,246 You work out? 401 00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,114 I do. 402 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:42,849 And thank you for noticing. 403 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,850 You're obviously 404 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,385 in very good shape yourself. 405 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:46,853 Well, I try. 406 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,988 So you want to dance? 407 00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,456 You know what? 408 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,291 I'm very flattered, and, objectively, 409 00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,725 you're a very attractive man, 410 00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:54,061 but this is actually my fiancée. 411 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,462 I'm sorry. 412 00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:57,164 You know, I saw your drink and I... 413 00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,831 No, no, this isn't my drink. 414 00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,133 This is hers. 415 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,402 No, it isn't. 416 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,603 Whatever. 417 00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:04,704 How 'bout you? 418 00:15:04,737 --> 00:15:06,773 Oh, I'm straight, too. 419 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:08,475 But I thank you for your time, 420 00:15:08,508 --> 00:15:11,344 and I appreciate your interest in my body. 421 00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:14,414 You see that? 422 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,716 Being hit on doesn't have to be terrible. 423 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,819 I feel flattered, and everyone left with their dignity. 424 00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:22,189 (giggling) 425 00:15:22,222 --> 00:15:24,191 Hey, I really like your sweater. 426 00:15:24,224 --> 00:15:25,158 Wow. 427 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,759 You actually do, don't you? 428 00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:27,760 You're not checking out 429 00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,229 my boobs or anything. 430 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,431 My name's Gay Ken, what do you think? 431 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:32,465 (laughs) 432 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:33,333 I love this place! 433 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,002 Let's dance! And not be groped! 434 00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,137 Whoo! Thank you. 435 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:40,607 Damn. 436 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,076 Thank you! 437 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,012 We're hot. Totally. 438 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,313 (James laughing) 439 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,581 And then Tom says to the dealer 440 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:52,052 that the handmade Georgian clock has a chip on the corner. 441 00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:53,953 Blam, we get that puppy half price. 442 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:55,155 What up?! 443 00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:56,856 Bam! (laughing) 444 00:15:56,889 --> 00:16:01,128 Sounds like you really rocked that arts and crafts fair. 445 00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:02,495 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 446 00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:03,896 Hey, oh, my God. 447 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:07,034 This is so liberating, being able to talk about this to you. 448 00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:07,934 I cannot wait 449 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,069 for you to meet Tom. 450 00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,337 And I cannot wait for you 451 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,904 to meet my good friend... 452 00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:13,473 this guy. 453 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,742 Excuse me, do you know anyone who would like to buy 454 00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,645 my incredibly muscular, fun, large-handed brother a drink? 455 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,248 Eh, eh, eh, let's focus on you, Barnaby. 456 00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:23,916 Okay. (imitating radar beeping) 457 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,785 All right. 458 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,255 I spy a group of women who have let their defenses down 459 00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,756 because they are in a gay club. 460 00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:31,391 You see that chick right there? 461 00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,093 She looks like she'd fall for 462 00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:34,661 sports agent and football player. 463 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,862 Okay, I'm in. 464 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:36,929 Which one am I? 465 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:37,897 (laughing) 466 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:39,166 Please. 467 00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:42,135 He's very shy, 468 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,336 loves tennis and Brazil, 469 00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:44,837 and drops his pants after three dirty martinis. 470 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:45,738 Now go, man, go! 471 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,581 I just never thought I'd see Barney so vulnerable. 472 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,449 Well, I guess no one wants to feel like 473 00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:57,784 they're going through the world alone. 474 00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,253 Look at me, in a yummy sandwich! 475 00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:02,322 Okay, we're actually right in the middle 476 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,490 of something right now, so... 477 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,058 Ooh, I know what I want to be 478 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,093 in the middle of. Thoughts? 479 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:07,994 God, can't two straight guys 480 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,762 come to a gay dance club, enjoy some techno 481 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,231 and good conversation without being bothered? 482 00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,603 How's it going, guys? 483 00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:18,838 Still enjoying the attentions of men? 484 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,241 That's like the eighth guy who's hit on us in ten minutes. 485 00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,110 It's like, hello, my eyes are up here. 486 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,311 (chuckles) 487 00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:25,478 And it's never the hot ones. 488 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,979 It's always the losers. Bums me out! 489 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:29,582 Looks like the boys learned their lesson. 490 00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:31,484 Do you totally miss being hit on? 491 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:33,253 Oh, totally. Let's go find a sports bar. 492 00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:37,924 James, James, since you like arts and crafts, 493 00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,592 look at what Charles here made 494 00:17:39,626 --> 00:17:40,793 with cherry stems. 495 00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,096 He did it with his tongue. 496 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,131 Yeah. 497 00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:44,997 Barney. 498 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,533 So, Charles, 499 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,635 why don't you put your number in my brother's phone, 500 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,103 and once he's in a funner mood... 501 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,471 Barney, Barney, I don't want his number. 502 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,341 I don't want anyone's number, okay? 503 00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:56,042 I'm getting married. 504 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:56,876 Wow. 505 00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:58,645 Best of luck to you both. 506 00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,846 Thank you. 507 00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:00,947 My number's in here. 508 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,549 I'm very discreet. 509 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,319 Okay, okay, excuse me. 510 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,121 Barney, family talk. 511 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,223 Okay, dude, you have got to stop this, okay? 512 00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:11,824 I know that my getting married is threatening 513 00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,126 to your way of life... 514 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,427 Oh, so now it's my way of life? 515 00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:16,829 I thought it was our way of life. 516 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:18,931 You've completely turned your back on it. 517 00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:20,667 Look at you, not even suited up. 518 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,769 Do you remember why we suit up, James? 519 00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:24,404 To get laid. 520 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:26,573 To show people that we are different 521 00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,542 from the millions of T-shirt and jeans lemmings out there. 522 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:30,410 The suit shows 523 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,345 that we are a force to be reckoned with, 524 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:35,014 a two-person army that plays by its own rules. 525 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,483 But you've taken off the uniform, 526 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:38,551 you've crossed enemy lines, and you've abandoned me. 527 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,153 Well, I'm not gonna let you do that. 528 00:18:40,187 --> 00:18:43,656 It's not too late to back out of this stupid marriage thing! 529 00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:45,225 You don't have to do this, bro! 530 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,593 Yes, I do. Why?! 531 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,561 Because Tom and I are gonna have a baby. 532 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,897 What? There's gonna be a baby? 533 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:54,267 Yes. 534 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:55,635 We're adopting. 535 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,370 Oh, my God. 536 00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:58,971 I'm gonna be an uncle? 537 00:18:59,005 --> 00:19:01,341 For the rest of your life. 538 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,511 (laughing) 539 00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,746 TED: And that's how Barney became Uncle Barney. 540 00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,182 A year later, at James's wedding, 541 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,850 Barney could not have been more proud. 542 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,852 To James and Tom. 543 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,622 May you have a long and happy life together. 544 00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,690 And may I always have the skin and libido 545 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:18,525 of a much younger man. 546 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:19,892 Cheers. ALL: Cheers. 547 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,662 Nice one. 548 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,432 Thanks. I decided to leave out the hetero college phase. 549 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:26,966 No one wants to hear about that. 550 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,535 It was perfect. 551 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:30,970 You even made Tom's dad cry. 552 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,573 Might have been doing that because he's a Republican. 553 00:19:33,606 --> 00:19:35,074 (chuckles) 554 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:36,709 Whoa. 555 00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,577 It's 9:00. 556 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:38,545 We should be getting back. 557 00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,046 You guys want to split a cab? 558 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,315 Uh, no, I think I'm gonna stay a little bit longer. 559 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,183 Yeah, me, too. I'm not tired at all. 560 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,285 All right, well, it's getting late. 561 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:46,553 Got to get the wife home. 562 00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,854 Oh, stop calling me that. 563 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:48,888 It makes me sound fat. 564 00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:52,959 Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic. 565 00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,661 See ya. 566 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,934 ** [romantic song plays] 567 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,741 May I? Yeah. 568 00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,209 (chuckles) 569 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:15,682 Hey, buddy. 570 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,418 Your parents are married. 571 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,820 Now, listen, you. 572 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,523 Just because you're being raised by married people 573 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:25,758 doesn't mean you have to choose that lifestyle. 574 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,159 High-five. 575 00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:30,263 Luckily, you got me. 576 00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:33,400 In 20 and a half years, you'll be 21, 577 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:35,935 and I will be... 578 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,937 Well, I haven't decided how old I'll be yet. 579 00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,439 But we are gonna 580 00:20:39,472 --> 00:20:42,041 bro out, uncle and nephew style. 581 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,444 Stick with me, kid. 582 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:48,214 I am gonna teach you how to live. 583 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:49,949 Great suit, by the way. 584 00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:53,920 (mock straining) 585 00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,322 Who is the cutest? 586 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,623 See Robin? 587 00:20:58,491 --> 00:21:01,861 ** [song ends] 588 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,698 I don't get it. 589 00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,501 Tom liked my breasts in tenth grade. 590 00:21:09,536 --> 00:21:12,939 Why doesn't he like them now? 591 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,474 (sobbing): Why? 592 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:18,545 Rosa, why always be attracted to the unavailable ones? 593 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,813 Why not accept the fact that you're a beautiful woman 594 00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,014 who is worthy of love? 595 00:21:23,182 --> 00:21:24,317 Are you brave enough to hear that? 596 00:21:24,351 --> 00:21:25,852 You... 597 00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:26,786 Hmm.