1 00:00:01,435 --> 00:00:04,505 TED: Kids, one of the things you'll learn about relationships is 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,640 that you're never done getting to know someone. 3 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,542 Everyone has secrets. 4 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,443 Some are nice. 5 00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,479 You know how to make crepes? 6 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,348 That is so cool. Mm. 7 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,685 Some aren't as nice. 8 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:20,388 And then there was Derek, and counting you, 9 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,890 that puts the total up to-- Oh, I got your total. 10 00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,859 I've been counting along. 11 00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:28,629 And some are just weird. 12 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:31,265 You're scared of the seven dwarfs? 13 00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:33,067 Just Doc. He's creepy. 14 00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:34,802 I mean the guy went to medical school. 15 00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,271 What's he doing living with six coal miners? 16 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,507 Oh, man! I'm so excited. 17 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,874 I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either. 18 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:41,875 Why? Uh... 19 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,311 Only the Gala event 20 00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,779 for the Grand Opening of Sharper Image's 500th store. 21 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:46,747 Didn't you get my e-mail? 22 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,249 No, I blocked your address 23 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,151 after the fourth time you sent me the video 24 00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,253 of the monkey sniffing his own butt. 25 00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,754 Come on! It's on me. 26 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,055 I'm buying three of you foot massagers 27 00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,590 and one of you a nose hair trimmer. 28 00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,591 You know who you are. 29 00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,559 Come on, 30 00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,260 let's go. 31 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,361 Okay, I'm in. 32 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,529 To the Willowbrook Mall! 33 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,863 GUYS: To the Willowbrook Mall. Oh, it's 34 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,664 at a mall? 35 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:05,633 I'm not going. 36 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,434 What? Why not? 37 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,701 I just don't feel like 38 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:08,936 going to a mall. 39 00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,938 We can split a Cinnabon. 40 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,406 No, I'm really not going to go. 41 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,441 Come on, it'll be fun. 42 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,075 No, I don't go to malls! 43 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,580 Sorry, I just don't like malls. 44 00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,149 Why not? 45 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,684 I'd rather not say. 46 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,786 Sharper Images. But that's where clothes live. 47 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,021 Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls. 48 00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,057 If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to. 49 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,159 I think we should all 50 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,793 just respect her privacy. 51 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,262 Thanks, Ted. 52 00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,029 So, what's the deal with you and malls? 53 00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,097 I thought you said that, 54 00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,367 if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to. 55 00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,768 Yeah, with those people. 56 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,603 But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it? 57 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,104 Did you get arrested at a mall? 58 00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,072 No. 59 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,740 Dumped at a mall? Ted. 60 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,276 Found out you were Canadian at a mall? 61 00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,911 Let it go. Trapped under a fake boulder 62 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,613 at a mall? Let it go. 63 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,847 Mauled at the mall? 64 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,649 Let it go! 65 00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,117 And who gets trapped 66 00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,119 under a fake boulder at the mall? 67 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:02,223 Not me in Ohio when I was nine, 68 00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,592 that's for sure. Ha. 69 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:20,908 I don't get it. 70 00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,177 Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls? 71 00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,313 Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret. 72 00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,215 The more you learn about a person, 73 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,749 the better chance you have of hitting 74 00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:29,983 the fatal "Oh" moment. 75 00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,252 The "Oh" Moment? 76 00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:34,355 Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail 77 00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,124 about a person that is going to be a deal breaker. 78 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,393 It's a promise ring. 79 00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,029 I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married. 80 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,132 Oh. 81 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,567 I don't have an eating disorder. 82 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,569 It's just when I put food in my mouth, 83 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,671 I chew it, and then I spit it out. 84 00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,840 Oh. 85 00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:56,577 I just turned 30. Oh. 86 00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,811 So trust me, 87 00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,748 you want to postpone knowing anything about each other 88 00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,083 for as long as possible. Mm. I disagree. 89 00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,385 If there is some potential "Oh" moment, 90 00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,587 I want to know about it right away. 91 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,755 I mean, what's the alternative? 92 00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,658 I now pronounce you, man and wife. 93 00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,862 I love you. 94 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,531 I used to be a dude. 95 00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,668 Yeah, I agree with Ted. 96 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,471 In a real relationship, you share everything. 97 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:26,139 That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets. 98 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,675 You are such a cutie pie. 99 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,043 Here's a quarter. Go play a song on the jukebox. 100 00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,044 No, it's true. 101 00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,313 They tell each other everything. 102 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,415 I can think of tons of things, 103 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,616 there's no way Marshall's told you. 104 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,985 Try me. 105 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,087 Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton? 106 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,689 Donkey ate his pants. Yup. 107 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,357 Bill's bachelor party in Memphis? 108 00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,758 Oh, when they had to pump out 109 00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,294 all the nickels from his stomach? 110 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,296 Wow. Okay. Seattle. 111 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,563 Trick question. 112 00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,399 Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest 113 00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,133 because he's afraid of Sasquatch. 114 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,935 Damn. 115 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,404 I'm not afraid of Sasquatch, 116 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,039 I just think we should all be on alert. 117 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,341 Trust me. 118 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:01,675 Not only do they tell each other everything, 119 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,711 they want to know everything. 120 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,479 So after the shower I was brushing my teeth. 121 00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:06,714 And I was like, "Oh, man! 122 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,215 I wanted to have some orange juice. 123 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,550 I should have done that first." 124 00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,319 But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush. 125 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,220 So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway. 126 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,456 What happened next? 127 00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,160 Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing. 128 00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,462 Fine. 129 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,631 Do you want to know what Robin's secret is? 130 00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:24,498 You know? 131 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:25,999 Of course I know. 132 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,067 She couldn't look at us, 133 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,570 her face got flushed-- that's shame, my friend. 134 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:34,041 Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it... 135 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,043 ...ography. 136 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,646 Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that. 137 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,714 And it's ridiculous. 138 00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,483 I don't know. He could be right. 139 00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:45,085 She does have the fake orgasm noises down. 140 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:45,986 Hey! 141 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,488 What? The walls are thin. 142 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,257 That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about. 143 00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,859 You know what it might be? 144 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:52,793 This is going to sound 145 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,796 a little crazy but what if Robin is married? 146 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:56,864 Married? 147 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,699 What does that have to do with the mall? 148 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,134 Well, maybe she got married at the mall. 149 00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,202 Back home in Minnesota, 150 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,071 a ton of people get married at the Mall of America. 151 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,539 It's great. 152 00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,875 There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures, 153 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,478 numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable-- 154 00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,145 We are not getting married at the mall! 155 00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,747 Well, just meet with the guy. 156 00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:16,216 She's not married. Robin hates marriage. 157 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,285 Because she already got married. 158 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,953 At the mall. 159 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,054 No, 160 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,391 because before Robin moved to New York, she... 161 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,292 What was she doing? 162 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,660 Well, I don't know. 163 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,329 Whenever I ask her about Canada, she kind of clams up. 164 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,732 She's a pretty private person. 165 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,234 Except when she's talking about... 166 00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,970 Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young 167 00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,640 and it really turned her off to marriage. 168 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,375 What do you think of this wedding cake? 169 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,676 Oh, I like it. 170 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,578 Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada 171 00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,879 who got married way too young? 172 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,982 Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie. 173 00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:51,585 No. 174 00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,823 My friend in Canada who got married 175 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,125 way too young, they had to do their vows twice, 176 00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,226 once in French. 177 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,694 They speak French there, too? 178 00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,430 God, that place is a mess. 179 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,700 So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada? 180 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,101 Oh, I'm sure there is. 181 00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,336 Just like I have a "friend" 182 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,071 who wet his bed till he was ten. 183 00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,106 Use your brain, Ted. 184 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,411 Guys, there's no way Robin is married. 185 00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,079 It's ludicrous to even suggest it. 186 00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,214 Thank you, Barney. 'Cause it's porn. 187 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,916 I need another beer. 188 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,652 Robin was not in porn. 189 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:26,286 I bet you anything that she's married. 190 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,021 $20,000 says it's porn. 191 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,089 I don't have $20,000. 192 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,123 Well, then what do you have? 193 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,927 Well... No. 194 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,529 I've got it. 195 00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:38,165 The ultimate wager-- slap bet. 196 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,701 Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid. 197 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,802 What the hell's a slap bet? 198 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,403 Whoever is right gets to slap the other person 199 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,872 in the face as hard as they possibly can-- 200 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,806 but no rings. 201 00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,041 Are you really going to do that? 202 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,243 That's so immature. You can be Slap Bet Commissioner. 203 00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,745 Ooh, I love it. What are my powers? 204 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,147 Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling, 205 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,248 that's your job. But... 206 00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,517 you have to be unbiased 207 00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:59,587 and put the integrity of slap bet above all else. 208 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,656 This is an honor you will take with you to your grave. 209 00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,057 On your tombstone, it will read, 210 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,427 "Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend, 211 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,697 Slap Bet Commissioner." 212 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,599 And your tombstone will read 213 00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:14,167 "Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died." 214 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,070 Okay. 215 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,907 What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband? 216 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,342 You said you would respect her privacy, 217 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,512 so maybe you should just drop it. 218 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,179 Yeah, you're right. 219 00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,718 Husband. 220 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,886 There's no "P" in husband. 221 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,156 Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands. 222 00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,526 Fine. I'll take it back. 223 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,494 Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands, 224 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,062 this is great, you're going to love this. 225 00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,997 Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason 226 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,833 you didn't want to go to the mall the other day 227 00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,601 is because you got married at a mall 228 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,770 and have a husband in Canada. 229 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,238 Huh. 230 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,707 I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right? 231 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,943 I mean, how crazy is that? 232 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,512 Are you asking me if I'm married? 233 00:07:58,546 --> 00:07:59,580 Well, you can ask me. 234 00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,882 Nope, I'm not married. Your turn. 235 00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,051 What happened to respecting my privacy? 236 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,654 Look, just say, "No, I'm not married." 237 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,488 Ted, I don't understand why you can't-- Just 238 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:11,158 say, "No, I'm not married." 239 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:11,992 I can't. 240 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,562 Marshall's right. 241 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:19,600 I was young and I got married. 242 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,202 It was a mistake and he moved away, but... yeah. 243 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,838 I'm married. 244 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,841 Oh. 245 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,182 You have a husband? 246 00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,017 I was young and stupid 247 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,487 and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall 248 00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,990 and I... I haven't been to a mall since. 249 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,257 Why didn't you get divorced? 250 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,960 He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like... 251 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:47,895 eh, good enough. 252 00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,330 Good enough? That's not good enough. 253 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,601 You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough. 254 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:56,436 Look, I haven't seen him in years. 255 00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,537 (sighs) It's just 256 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,573 a part of my life I want to forget. 257 00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,743 Just please don't tell anyone about this. 258 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,879 Okay. 259 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,685 Dude, your hand is monstrous. Yeah, well, 260 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,286 what'd you expect? You've seen my penis. 261 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,158 I can't believe you told us Robin's secret. 262 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,226 What? 263 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,728 How could I keep something like that to myself? 264 00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,362 And you begged me to tell you. 265 00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,263 No, I didn't. 266 00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,398 Please tell us. 267 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,466 Just tell us. I'm begging you. 268 00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,035 Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. 269 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,070 Please please please please please please-- Fine. 270 00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,038 Robin's married. 271 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,575 Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us. 272 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,344 I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you? 273 00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,279 See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend. 274 00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:42,182 I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress. 275 00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,617 The mastress. 276 00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,152 The master. What do you call it? 277 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,755 Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress. 278 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,491 What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married. 279 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,526 Do I ask her to get a divorce? 280 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,296 Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage. 281 00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,431 It's like their money, or their army. 282 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,333 Nobody takes it seriously. 283 00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,835 It's serious to me. 284 00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,136 You know what, in some countries, 285 00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,005 if you been separated for longer than five years, 286 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,306 technically, you're no longer married. 287 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,842 I can check it out at the law library at school. 288 00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:14,047 I can see my hand print on your face. 289 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,383 Don't get too cocky, Slappy. 290 00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:17,084 I just got 291 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,485 a shipment of porn from Canada 292 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:19,619 I have to go through. 293 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,588 I won the bet. Why are you still searching? 294 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,390 Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong. 295 00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,194 Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn. 296 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,896 Canadian porn. 297 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,564 Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system 298 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,901 doesn't cover breast implants. 299 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,204 If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian 300 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,472 riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni 301 00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:42,175 I'll go oot of my mind. 302 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,014 Hey. Hey. 303 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,382 Listen, dude, I got to talk to you, 304 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,785 but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney. 305 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,120 Fine, I won't tell Barney. 306 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,121 What is it? 307 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,224 Robin's not married. 308 00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,458 What? 309 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,960 Why would she tell me she was? 310 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,062 I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada. 311 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,831 There's no record of her ever being married. 312 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:04,965 There must be some mistake. 313 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,967 I promise you. She's not married. 314 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,402 She's not great at parking legally either. 315 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,671 So she lied to me? W-- 316 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,073 What am I going to do? 317 00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,742 I-I can't confront her, 'cause then 318 00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,276 she'll know I told you. 319 00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,578 You got to lawyer her. 320 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,780 You got to ask her a bunch of questions, 321 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,814 try to trip her up, 322 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,015 maybe make her feel guilty, 323 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,884 whatever it takes to get a confession out of her. 324 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,354 Thanks for telling me your secret. 325 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,223 It means so much to me, that you could be so-- 326 00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,293 God, what's the word I'm looking for? Honest. 327 00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,361 Mm, thanks, Ted. 328 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,595 Yeah. 329 00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,264 You know what's probably the best part about your honesty? 330 00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,432 How truthful it is. 331 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,568 I say we just move on. 332 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,536 Well, for me to get total closure 333 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,473 on this whole "my girlfriend has a husband" thing, 334 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,674 I think I might need 335 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,708 a little bit more information, 336 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,110 like what month did you get married? 337 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:50,978 June. 338 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,545 We had a June wedding. 339 00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,447 Ah, Canada in June. 340 00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,548 That's the dream. 341 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,850 Mm-hmm. 342 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,919 Sit-down or buffet? 343 00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,420 Um. Well, it's... 344 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,956 (chuckling): weird that you don't remember. 345 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,158 No, I just didn't know how to answer 346 00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,161 because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium, 347 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,831 but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court 348 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:11,899 featuring a filet mignon 349 00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:14,634 or a roasted potato-crusted salmon 350 00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,736 with a lobster scallion beurre blanc. 351 00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:20,173 Hmm. 352 00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,374 Band or DJ? 353 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,911 A string quartet played at the ceremony, 354 00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,880 but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band. 355 00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:28,515 We paid extra for the sax 356 00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,785 'cause I just love that smooth alto sound. 357 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,253 How many bridesmaids? 358 00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,554 Seven. Flowers? 359 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,889 Azaleas. Color scheme? 360 00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,590 Dusty rose and sienna. 361 00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,327 Husband's name. 362 00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,394 Um. 363 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,863 You were never married! 364 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:43,964 Yes, I was. 365 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,698 No, you weren't. How do you know? 366 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:46,800 I looked it up at the library. 367 00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:47,868 What library? 368 00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,537 The one on Fifth. 369 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,671 When did you go? 370 00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,772 Today at lunch, and I had 371 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,174 an apple brie panini with potato salad... 372 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,743 I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted. 373 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,378 What database did you use? 374 00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,782 I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000. 375 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,053 Fine, Marshall looked it up at school. 376 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,155 You told Marshall?! You lied to me! 377 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,689 See, this is why I don't tell people secrets. 378 00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,690 You were supposed to be 379 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,025 the one person I trusted 380 00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,594 the most and even you couldn't keep a secret. 381 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,462 But it was a fake secret. 382 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,630 Yeah, I was testing you and you failed. 383 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,100 And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall. 384 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,935 And it's good, too. 385 00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,236 You were testing me? 386 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,537 That's insane. Oh, yeah? 387 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,273 How long did it take for you 388 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,975 to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world? 389 00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,576 Five minutes? 390 00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,079 That wasn't a real secret! Yeah, but it could have been. 391 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,014 You are driving me crazy! 392 00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,916 No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong. 393 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,151 He moved there for business. 394 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:40,820 You. 395 00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,089 You got something to say to me? 396 00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,157 What are you talking about? 397 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,994 I know Robin was never really married. 398 00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,897 How could you possibly know that? 399 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,504 And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed. 400 00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:58,738 How about you? 401 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:02,675 Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school. 402 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:03,743 Then I got a bagel. 403 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,045 Then I went to the library 404 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,180 and found out Robin was never married. Crazy. 405 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,281 Then I was hungry again, 406 00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:09,416 so I went down to the vending machine, 407 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,783 but by the time I got down there, 408 00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,252 I wasn't even hungry anymore. 409 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,287 (laughing) 410 00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,222 You told him? 411 00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,824 I had to; I'm Slap Bet Commissioner. 412 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,292 Believe me, 413 00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,461 this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you. 414 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:22,429 Don't count on it. 415 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,064 I've been practicing on a tree trunk. 416 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,235 Barney gets three slaps. Three? 417 00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:31,972 One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped. 418 00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,340 Three slaps. 419 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,075 But-- 420 00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,380 Oh, my God. 421 00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:41,414 Are you gonna cry? 422 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,983 No. 423 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,652 (crying): You're gonna cry. 424 00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,055 I just don't think it's healthy 425 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,856 to keep big secrets in a relationship. 426 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,159 My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years 427 00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,260 and now they're divorced. 428 00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,095 I have shared more of myself with you 429 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,629 than I've ever shared with anyone. 430 00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,065 I'm asking 431 00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:01,468 for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us, 432 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,003 to just be mine. 433 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,607 So I just got a very interesting phone call. 434 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,978 What are you talking about? I know Robin's secret. 435 00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,712 What? That's right. 436 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,281 I know your secret, Robin. 437 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,985 Or should I say Robin Sparkles? 438 00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,987 How do you know that name? 439 00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,255 Because I know the truth, 440 00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,324 and I am about to show it to you right now. 441 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,226 Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this. 442 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,395 Yeah, no, I don't. What? 443 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,097 Robin wants to keep this a secret, 444 00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,365 so it's gonna stay a secret. 445 00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,302 Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret. 446 00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,104 You see, in my research, 447 00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,406 I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia 448 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,808 who is in possession of a certain videotape. 449 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,410 He just e-mailed me 450 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,113 that it will be up and running on My Space in about... 451 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,714 (gasps) ...right now. 452 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,752 Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down. 453 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,121 I mean, I'm guessing. 454 00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,222 Barney, don't, okay? 455 00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,324 Robin, please don't panic. 456 00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,726 I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right. 457 00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,561 No, Barney, I said we're not watching this. 458 00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,463 No, it's time. 459 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,665 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, 460 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,766 but if it's out there, 461 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,669 there's no point in trying to hide it anymore. 462 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,304 Let's just watch it and be done with it. 463 00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,441 Are you as terrified as I am? 464 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,044 I don't want to get slapped again. 465 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,748 I want to stress that I was young. 466 00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,250 Yeah, you were. 467 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,384 And I didn't know any better. 468 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,119 They never do. 469 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,755 And it started out as an innocent modeling job. 470 00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,257 It always does. 471 00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,360 Please, Mr. Johnson. 472 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,362 I'm sorry I was a bad girl. 473 00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,498 Please don't give me detention. 474 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:43,536 Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you? 475 00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,675 Oh, my God. 476 00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,743 Well, obviously, I've been proven right, 477 00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:54,181 so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show anymore. 478 00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,148 Plus, it's getting late. 479 00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,716 It's already slap o'clock. 480 00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,886 What the hell was that? 481 00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,722 Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win. 482 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,291 Porn? I wish it was porn. 483 00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,259 It would be less embarrassing. 484 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,961 ROBIN (on video): I know. 485 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,697 How about I 486 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,932 sing you a song? 487 00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:16,035 (synth-pop music plays) 488 00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,574 Let's go to the mall, everybody! 489 00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,675 (giggles) 490 00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,118 I was a teenage pop star in Canada. 491 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,154 * Put on your jelly bracelets 492 00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,256 * And your cool graffiti coat 493 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,091 * At the mall, having fun 494 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,792 * Is what it's all about 495 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:43,330 This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. 496 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,165 That's you? 497 00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,867 Yes, I had one minor hit. 498 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,138 I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls. 499 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,605 For a whole year, 500 00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,942 I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels. 501 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:59,546 * Everybody come and play 502 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,683 * Throw every last care away 503 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:08,921 * Today 504 00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:13,092 If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986? 505 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:17,096 The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93. 506 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,499 Taking a break from the first 507 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,834 of many, many viewings, 508 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:22,969 I can't help but notice 509 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,137 that this isn't porn. 510 00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,438 And yet, 511 00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,474 a slap occurred without the permission 512 00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,008 of the Slap Bet Commissioner. 513 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,243 Looks like somebody suffered 514 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,146 from premature slapulation. 515 00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,447 Oh, my God, Robin's rapping. 516 00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:35,682 Guys, Robin's rapping. 517 00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,650 * Went to the mall with a couple of friends * 518 00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,486 * I had a whole week's allowance to spend * 519 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,689 Okay, I'm going to give you a choice. 520 00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,691 Either ten slaps right now in a row, 521 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,327 or five slaps that can be doled out 522 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,230 at any point from here to eternity. 523 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,398 TED AND MARSHALL: Ooh... 524 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,599 You go with the ten now. 525 00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,467 No way, why get ten when you can get five? 526 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,603 Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment, 527 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,371 you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy. 528 00:18:58,405 --> 00:18:59,972 I'm going to go with the five for eternity. 529 00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:03,443 Good call. Horrible call. 530 00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,313 Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man. 531 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,347 Take it easy. 532 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,748 This is going to be fun. 533 00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,985 * Let's go to the mall 534 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,021 * Let's go to the mall 535 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,423 * Today 536 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,825 So just to be clear, 537 00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:22,629 you wanted everybody to go to the mall today? 538 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,799 Wow, we're going to watch this a lot. 539 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:30,036 I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket. 540 00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,471 Hey, just so you know, 541 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,274 16-year-old me would have been all over you. 542 00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,444 You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had. 543 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,713 Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you. 544 00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,315 I probably should have left it alone. 545 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,917 You know what? 546 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,254 You know me better now. 547 00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,788 That feels kind of nice. 548 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,925 ALL: Aw... 549 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:56,896 That's one. 550 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,972 * Everybody come and play 551 00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:09,542 * Throw every last care away 552 00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,477 Wow. 553 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,745 * Let's go to the mall 554 00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:13,746 (giggling) 555 00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:14,814 (giggling) 556 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,883 Did you have to laugh like that every time? 557 00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,518 Yes. 558 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,352 Love it. 559 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,687 * This boy I like 560 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,322 * Met him at the food court 561 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,790 * He's got hair like Gretzky 562 00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,293 * And he does jumps on his skateboard * 563 00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,495 * I hope he asks me out 564 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,129 * Take me to my favorite spot 565 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,731 * It'll be just him and me 566 00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,000 ROBOTIC VOICE: * But don't forget the robot 567 00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:38,538 The robot. Hey! 568 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,840 * But, baby, I don't want to wait * 569 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,241 * Let's do it 570 00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,444 No, she doesn't want to wait. 571 00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,145 * I'm gonna rock your body anyway * 572 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:50,317 * I'm gonna rock your body till Canada Day * 573 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,287 * Everybody come and play 574 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:58,358 * Throw every last care away 575 00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:01,494 * Let's go to the mall 576 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:06,399 * Today, today, today, today 577 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,100 * Let's go to the mall 578 00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,370 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 579 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,539 * Let's go to the mall 580 00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,441 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 581 00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,208 * Let's go to the mall 582 00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,511 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 583 00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,846 * Let's go to the mall 584 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:22,382 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 585 00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:24,484 * Let's go to the mall 586 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,653 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 587 00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,488 * Let's go to the mall 588 00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,523 * Let's go to the ma-a-all 589 00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:32,224 * Let's go to the mall 590 00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:34,561 * Let's go to the ma-a-all.