1 00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:04,438 TED: Kids, when you reach your late 20s you might be surprised 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,840 to discover you still don't have life quite figured out. 3 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,176 Like with Aunt Lily. 4 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,711 Even though she was back from San Francisco, 5 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:12,780 she was still on a quest to find herself. 6 00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,416 It's just that all I've ever done is teach kindergarten. 7 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,319 I want to get out there and change the world. 8 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,654 I want to find my passion. 9 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:21,989 And she did find it. 10 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,125 I'm going to be a life coach. 11 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,659 In fact, she found it again and again. 12 00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:28,629 I'm going to be a marine biologist. 13 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,864 ...slam poet. 14 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,032 ...beekeeper! 15 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:35,669 Not a beekeeper. 16 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,805 Her newest lifelong dream? 17 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,040 Singing in a punk rock band. 18 00:00:40,108 --> 00:00:41,609 What is she doing for money through all this? 19 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,178 Oh, she's been waiting tables at Big Wave Luau. 20 00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:45,713 Wait, you mean that Hawaiian place 21 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,515 where they wear those embarrassing outfits? 22 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,817 No. 23 00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,520 Here she comes. 24 00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,088 Here she comes. 25 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,856 Welcome to Big Wave Luau. 26 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,125 Can I tiki your drink order? 27 00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,959 Aw, crap. 28 00:00:59,026 --> 00:00:59,960 I'm sorry. 29 00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,129 BARNEY: Oh, hi, Lily. 30 00:01:01,195 --> 00:01:02,530 We were just in the neighborhood, 31 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:03,631 thought we'd get some lunch. 32 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:05,433 We didn't even know you'd be here. 33 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,770 What do you want? 34 00:01:09,837 --> 00:01:11,872 I don't think that's how you're supposed to greet 35 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:14,275 a customer at Big Wave Luau. 36 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:19,447 Aloha, island visitors. 37 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:23,784 The big wave brought you to our humble luau. 38 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,085 For that, we thank you. 39 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:26,987 Or in my native tongue, mahalo. 40 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:28,689 (laughing) 41 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,525 I didn't catch your name. Did you guys catch her name? 42 00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:33,127 No. 43 00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:35,163 My name is Anuhea. 44 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,565 It means cool and fragrant, 45 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,867 much like any of our 12 specialty drinks. 46 00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,670 Robin, nothing to add? No. 47 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,506 Lily is my friend and I'm not going to make fun of her 48 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:46,807 for trying to follow her dreams. 49 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:47,975 Thank you. 50 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:50,211 Although, you might want to bring out 51 00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:53,013 the big Hawaiian drum because I'm pretty sure today's my birthday. 52 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,748 Birthday girl! 53 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:12,032 I've never needed beer more than I do right now. 54 00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,468 I thought you said your semester was gonna be a piece of cake. 55 00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,504 I remember because you were eating a piece of cake 56 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,940 at the time and you said, "Dude, my semester is gonna be this." 57 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,642 Yeah, well, it was supposed to be, 58 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,711 but my professor's like the toughest grader I've ever seen. 59 00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,646 She had like a bad divorce this summer 60 00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,381 and now she's taking it out on us. 61 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,983 To tell you the truth, I think she just needs to get laid. 62 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,119 Really? Laid, you say? 63 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:34,255 You wouldn't be into her. 64 00:02:34,322 --> 00:02:36,457 She's, like, in her late 40s. She hot? 65 00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:39,059 Yeah, I guess she's kind of hot, yeah. 66 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,428 And she's looking for some action. 67 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,631 Sounds to me like she could be a cougar. 68 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:44,798 A what? 69 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,200 A cougar. 70 00:02:46,267 --> 00:02:48,402 An older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, 71 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:51,505 single and on the prowl for a younger man. 72 00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:54,442 What's a woman in her 60s or 70s-- a turtle? 73 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:58,346 Marshall, I've thought it over and I accept your challenge. 74 00:02:58,412 --> 00:03:00,448 I didn't challenge you to have sex with my professor. 75 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,115 Tomorrow, the cougar hunt begins. 76 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,684 So, I quit my job. 77 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:06,954 I just couldn't take it anymore. 78 00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:10,524 Approximately 50 times a day, some guy asks me for a lei... 79 00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,725 Classic. 80 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:13,761 Ted, didn't you tell me 81 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:15,629 they need a new assistant in your office? 82 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,930 Yeah. 83 00:03:16,997 --> 00:03:18,966 Somebody did just quit. 84 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,435 So, where should we eat today? 85 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,973 Oh awesome, you brought lunch for everyone? 86 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,449 Dude, that is cold-blooded. 87 00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:36,717 It was an honest mistake. 88 00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,419 Look, when somebody opens up a container 89 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:39,987 with an entire chicken in it, 90 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,823 it's okay to assume they made lunch for everyone. 91 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,859 Ted, that girl didn't quit. You destroyed her. 92 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:46,627 It was an whole chicken. 93 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,697 And did I mention she had 12 sides? 94 00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,131 Oh, now you're gonna bash her figure. 95 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,400 Real classy, Ted. 96 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:54,335 So, Lily, what do you say? Do you want the job? 97 00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,470 What would I be doing? 98 00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:59,072 Basically, you're sort of a general office assistant. 99 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:00,073 You'll sit there. 100 00:04:00,140 --> 00:04:02,242 My station is right over here. 101 00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:03,944 And things are a little bit crazy right now 102 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,479 'cause we're pitching a new building to a big client. 103 00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,781 Oh, right, is that the... Yeah. 104 00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,016 Here's the model. 105 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:13,220 You weren't kidding. 106 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,623 It really does look like a giant penis. 107 00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:16,924 I know. 108 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:19,259 For whatever reason, Mr. Druthers just doesn't see it. 109 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,228 How can he not see it? 110 00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:22,496 I mean there's the... I know. 111 00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,731 And the way it... I know. 112 00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,300 And the two little... I know. 113 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,636 Wow, it is just... 114 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,670 Spectacular? 115 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,004 Why, thank you. 116 00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:33,073 Lily, this is Mr. Druthers, the head architect on the project. 117 00:04:33,140 --> 00:04:35,376 Lily's going to be our new office assistant. 118 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:37,311 Ah. Nice to meet you. 119 00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:38,512 Isn't it? 120 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,947 Ted, I looked at your design 121 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,849 for the penthouse balcony. 122 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,485 Tell me, do you want to be an architect? 123 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:47,788 I, uh... I am an architect. 124 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:49,590 Really? 125 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,225 Well, my six-year-old nephew plays with Legos. 126 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,794 Is he an architect? 127 00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:58,532 Well, not unless he somehow passed all his licensing exams. 128 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:01,034 Ted, you've got promise. 129 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,303 But you have to study what I do more carefully. 130 00:05:03,371 --> 00:05:04,805 Now I want you 131 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:08,642 to design some Styrofoam trees for the building model. 132 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,043 Think you can handle that? 133 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:11,144 Absolutely. 134 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:14,715 So you're going to design the... 135 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,384 Styrofoam trees. 136 00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,251 Once again-- with feeling. 137 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,954 Styrofoam trees. 138 00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,122 Styrofoam trees! 139 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,156 Styrofoam trees! 140 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:24,392 That's the spirit. 141 00:05:24,458 --> 00:05:25,826 Now, gather 'round. 142 00:05:29,630 --> 00:05:31,899 This isn't just about trees, Ted. 143 00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,434 This is about life. 144 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,902 And sometimes in life, 145 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:39,106 you have to get the trees just right or you're fired, hmm? 146 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:43,744 Man, that guy is 147 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,946 a total, well... 148 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,885 Okay, wait, wait, wait. 149 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:54,054 That's Professor Lewis's office there. 150 00:05:54,121 --> 00:05:55,355 Okay, let's take a look. 151 00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:01,695 Oh, yeah, it's a cougar all right. 152 00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:04,798 A prime specimen. 153 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:09,002 See, you can identify a cougar by a few key characteristics. 154 00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,070 Start with the hair. 155 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:13,206 The cougar keeps up with current hairstyles 156 00:06:13,273 --> 00:06:15,075 as a form of camouflage. 157 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:18,712 The prey may not realize that he's engaged a cougar 158 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,881 until he's already being dragged, helpless, 159 00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:21,915 back to her lair. 160 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:24,084 Now, the blouse. 161 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:27,955 The cougar displays maximum cleavage possible 162 00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:30,157 to captivate her prey. 163 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:34,394 If you're watching them bounce, she's about to pounce. 164 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,929 See the claws? 165 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:39,199 Long and sharp, 166 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,102 to ward off rival females... 167 00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,637 or open alimony checks. 168 00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:48,041 Yeah, this one's a beaut. 169 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:53,180 Okay, 170 00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:54,915 let the hunt begin. 171 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:55,849 Wait, wait, wait. 172 00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,150 I'm not so sure I'm comfortable 173 00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:59,953 with you hunting my constitutional law professor. 174 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:03,190 Who do you rather have grading your papers-- 175 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:06,560 a savage, man-eating jungle cat, 176 00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:10,063 or a purring, satisfied kitty? 177 00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:14,502 Go, Barney. 178 00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,538 Go mount and stuff that cougar. 179 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:21,609 (with Italian accent): Scusi, 180 00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:24,978 I am Luigi, Italian exchange student. 181 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,146 I was, uh, 182 00:07:26,213 --> 00:07:31,552 walking to class, but then I noticed you... 183 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:33,887 bella principessa... 184 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,389 Tell me what you want or get out. 185 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:37,891 (normal voice): Direct. 186 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,493 I like that. 187 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,094 The name's Barney. 188 00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,831 What I want... is you. 189 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,836 Turn around. 190 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,206 My place. Two hours. 191 00:07:54,207 --> 00:07:55,709 Don't be tardy. 192 00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:01,248 I can't believe how Mr. Druthers treats people. 193 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,516 And that building? 194 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,552 Talk about overcompensating. 195 00:08:04,618 --> 00:08:06,219 He's not usually this bad. 196 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:08,055 It's just that the partners have made it very clear 197 00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,757 this project is make or break for us, 198 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,224 so lately he's been a little testy. 199 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,962 You know what I mean-- crotchety. 200 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:16,163 (laughing) 201 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,264 I'm just saying 202 00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:18,431 it's been hard on him. 203 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,267 All right stop. 204 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:23,537 Did you show Lily your design? No. 205 00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,672 What design? 206 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,306 It's nothing. It's fantastic. 207 00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:27,474 Just for fun, 208 00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:28,976 Ted's been working on his own design. 209 00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,679 And it doesn't look at all like male genitalia. 210 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,981 At least, not healthy male genitalia. 211 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,650 Ted, you should pitch your building to Druthers. 212 00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,085 Are you kidding? He's Hammond Druthers. 213 00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:38,886 He's a legend. 214 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:41,321 I'm just part of his team. 215 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,289 This building is 216 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,256 huge for the firm, 217 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,892 so it's really important we don't blow it. 218 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:45,559 (laughing) 219 00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,928 All right, enough. 220 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:51,064 Oh, my God. 221 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:53,033 Incredible. 222 00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,569 Hmm... C-minus. 223 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,238 C-minus? 224 00:08:58,305 --> 00:08:59,573 What are you talking about? 225 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,441 I just pulled an all-nighter! 226 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:04,011 You didn't budget your time well, 227 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:07,748 you glossed over some of the most important points, 228 00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:10,618 and your oral presentation was sloppy and inconclusive. 229 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:15,723 Mr. Druthers asked if you were making the trees 230 00:09:15,789 --> 00:09:18,525 or waiting for them to sprout on their own. 231 00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:21,228 Then he stared at me until I laughed. 232 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,197 Okay, I'm done. 233 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,499 Great. I'll put the paints away. You just go show him. 234 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,268 Great. Thanks. 235 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,238 Well, finally. 236 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,140 I wondered whether you were 237 00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:34,141 making the trees 238 00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:37,077 or waiting for them to sprout on their own. 239 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:41,749 (laughing): Good one, sir. 240 00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,016 Anyway, here they are. 241 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,385 Hmm. 242 00:09:45,452 --> 00:09:47,387 Too green. 243 00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:48,956 Too green? 244 00:09:49,022 --> 00:09:51,458 Yes, the leaves should really be more of a natural brown color. 245 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,226 Almost brunette. 246 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,162 And think bushier. 247 00:09:55,228 --> 00:09:56,429 I want this tower to rise 248 00:09:56,496 --> 00:10:01,301 from a thicket of wild, ungroomed, brunette shrubbery. 249 00:10:01,368 --> 00:10:02,703 Can you picture it, Ted? 250 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,305 I can't un-picture it. 251 00:10:05,372 --> 00:10:07,607 Good. 252 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,177 Oh, my God. 253 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:11,444 It's gone! 254 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:12,913 What? What's gone? 255 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:16,684 My baseball signed three times by Pete Rose. 256 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,919 Well, it's got to be around here somewhere. 257 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,854 What do you think, Ted, 258 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:23,857 it just let itself out of its plastic case and rolled away? 259 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,059 Somebody stole it. 260 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,697 Well, um, I better get back to these Styrofoam trees. 261 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,432 Oh, who cares about the trees? 262 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,268 It's just busy work to make you feel like you're contributing. 263 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,370 Inspiring as always, sir. 264 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,173 Lily? 265 00:10:42,843 --> 00:10:45,378 Where's she put those paints? 266 00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:01,762 Hey. Hey. 267 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,897 Um, Lily, question for you. 268 00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,734 Why did I find Mr. Druthers' baseball 269 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,336 signed three times by Pete Rose in your desk drawer? 270 00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:11,138 That's easy. I took it. 271 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,172 Why? 272 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:13,573 It's simple. 273 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,444 I can't believe there's no horseradish for the roast beef. 274 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:21,949 I guess you were sick the day they taught that at Sandwich University. 275 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:29,890 Mother, no one from the nursing home is stealing from you. 276 00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:32,425 I didn't get you a birthday present. 277 00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,768 What? You gonna cry? 278 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:44,237 Huh? Little crybaby's going to cry? 279 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,139 Hey, everybody, look! 280 00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,908 The little crybaby's gonna cry! 281 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:51,511 (pretending to cry) 282 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,147 I lost my ice cream! 283 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,950 Okay, I may have exaggerated that last one, 284 00:11:57,017 --> 00:12:00,187 but the point is, he was mean. 285 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,989 And that's why I took away his ball. 286 00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,457 What does his ball have to do with anything? 287 00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,394 Druthers has to be taught he can't behave like that. 288 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,328 When I was teaching 289 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,563 kindergarten, whenever a kid was mean, 290 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,199 I would take away one of his toys. 291 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,267 The kid would be upset at first, 292 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,804 but then he'd learn to stop being mean. 293 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,538 Hey, guys. What's going on? 294 00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:20,540 Lily stole my boss' baseball 295 00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,909 signed three times by Pete Rose. 296 00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,243 Why? Was he being mean? 297 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,145 You know about this? 298 00:12:25,212 --> 00:12:27,414 Yeah. It's her own personal form of justice. 299 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:29,282 Did you tell him about that time at the Gap? 300 00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:30,683 Oh, that was a good one. 301 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,419 This sales guy was rude to Robin, 302 00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,987 so I took a pair of khakis. 303 00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,923 I gave them to you for your birthday. 304 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:38,025 So I've been walking around in stolen khakis? 305 00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,627 I prefer to call them "justice khakis." 306 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:41,895 That's not justice. 307 00:12:41,962 --> 00:12:43,663 It's shoplifting, and it's a crime. 308 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:44,998 So is being mean. 309 00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,567 Lily, your little system doesn't even make sense. 310 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,803 In kindergarten, the kid knew why he was being punished. 311 00:12:49,870 --> 00:12:52,105 Druthers just thinks someone stole his ball. 312 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,107 Well, that's why I left a note. 313 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:54,774 A note? 314 00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:56,143 Yeah. When he finds it, 315 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,445 he'll understand why his ball was taken away, 316 00:12:58,511 --> 00:12:59,779 he'll stop being mean, 317 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:02,449 and the office will be a nicer place to work. 318 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:05,018 Maybe he'll even be open to hearing your ideas. 319 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:07,320 Look, Lil, we're all tolerating 320 00:13:07,387 --> 00:13:10,290 this prolonged nervous breakdown you're clearly having, 321 00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:13,160 with the punk band and the beekeeping and the petty larceny, 322 00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,262 but this is my career you're messing with. 323 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:18,031 I'm not sure I like your tone. 324 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:21,134 You know what? Now you just lost the ball. 325 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,874 Hey. 326 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,575 I'd ask you how last night went, 327 00:13:28,641 --> 00:13:29,809 but we had a pop quiz today. 328 00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,544 Nobody got higher than a C-minus. 329 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:33,646 I know, I know. 330 00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:35,048 You claim to have so much sex. 331 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:36,449 I only assumed you'd be good at it. 332 00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:39,186 Look, I miscalculated. 333 00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:42,789 I thought she'd be old and fragile, like most cougars. 334 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:45,592 But kitty's got claws. 335 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:46,894 Don't worry though. 336 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,595 Tonight, I'm seeing her again. 337 00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:49,662 Just let it go, man. 338 00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:50,964 You're making things worse. 339 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:52,199 I promise you, after tonight, 340 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,301 that cougar will be my pet, 341 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,269 and I its master. 342 00:13:56,336 --> 00:14:01,308 I think I'm falling in love with you. 343 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:03,911 Oh, God. That wasn't your first time, was it? 344 00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,647 Although that would explain a lot. 345 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:11,318 What? No. We had sex yesterday. 346 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,087 Oh, right. That. 347 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,524 Well, you had sex yesterday. 348 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:21,561 I revised my syllabus for the spring semester. 349 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,532 When Druthers goes to get his bagel, 350 00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,734 I'll go in, grab the note, put the ball back. 351 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,838 If something goes wrong, yell out, "Who wants espresso?" 352 00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,106 so I'll know he's coming. 353 00:14:33,173 --> 00:14:35,342 Got it? Okay, now give me the ball. 354 00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:36,409 No. 355 00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:37,310 What do you mean, no? 356 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,980 I mean I stand by what I did, Ted. 357 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,115 Come on, Lily. We're running out of time. 358 00:14:42,182 --> 00:14:45,718 Everybody get in here now! 359 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,487 Who wants espresso? 360 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,095 Now, as most of you know, 361 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:58,698 my Pete Rose, Pete Rose, Pete Rose baseball has been stolen. 362 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,200 Well, I just found this note. 363 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:05,038 "Dear Mr. Druthers, I, your baseball, am leaving. 364 00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,639 "Maybe, if you start being nice, I'll come back. 365 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:10,510 "If not, other things in your office may follow my lead. 366 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:13,346 "In fact, I overheard your iPod talking, 367 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,949 and he may shuffle off at any minute." 368 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,385 Normally, 369 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:21,588 I would scream at everyone until my voice goes, 370 00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:24,557 but maybe that's the wrong reaction here. 371 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:27,127 Interesting. 372 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:30,930 Instead, I'm giving my baseball until the end of the day 373 00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:34,501 to decide he's homesick, or, tomorrow morning, I'll begin firing 374 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:35,668 three people an hour. 375 00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:37,004 And, if the thief 376 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,472 doesn't believe me, well, 377 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:42,575 then you are gambling more than Pete Rose-- 378 00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,644 major league baseball's all-time hit leader, 379 00:15:44,711 --> 00:15:47,314 a man whose absence from the Hall of Fame is a travesty 380 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,416 to the entire sports world-- ever 381 00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,152 "allegedly" did! 382 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,556 Wow. Looks like bye-bye, iPod. 383 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,994 Give him his ball back right now. 384 00:16:01,061 --> 00:16:02,929 People are going to get fired. 385 00:16:02,996 --> 00:16:04,164 No, they're not. 386 00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,965 It's just a tantrum, Ted. 387 00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,900 I saw this in kindergarten all the time. 388 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,569 This isn't kindergarten. 389 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:10,770 Mr. Druthers is an adult, 390 00:16:10,837 --> 00:16:12,405 and he wants his ball back. 391 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,376 All right, I'll give it back if you show him your plans. 392 00:16:16,443 --> 00:16:18,245 No. You'll give it back or you're fired. 393 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,080 I'm sorry, Ted. I just can't do that. 394 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,414 Then you're fired. 395 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,317 Fine. 396 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,087 Here's the ball. 397 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:29,189 At least you have one now. 398 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:35,162 Dude, 399 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,663 you're killing me. 400 00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:37,897 You didn't tame the cougar. 401 00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:39,366 You just made her angrier. 402 00:16:39,432 --> 00:16:43,203 Do you not see the PowerBar in my hand? 403 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,372 I'm fueling up. 404 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:47,440 So you're going back over there? 405 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,843 Oh, yeah. And tonight, just like John Mellencamp, 406 00:16:50,910 --> 00:16:54,747 I am going to get rid of the "Cougar" once and for all. 407 00:16:54,814 --> 00:16:56,616 Get it? 408 00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:58,618 'Cause that's what he did with his name. 409 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,698 I can't stop thinking about you. 410 00:17:11,764 --> 00:17:13,266 Please give me another chance. 411 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,602 Barney, I teach all day. 412 00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,437 It's the last thing I want to do when I get home. 413 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,572 But you don't understand. 414 00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:21,874 See, I've been going easy on you, holding back, 415 00:17:21,941 --> 00:17:23,810 'cause I was afraid you'd break a hip or something. 416 00:17:23,876 --> 00:17:25,845 But, this time, no mercy. 417 00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:29,782 I don't care how long it takes-- days, weeks, half a year. 418 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:32,685 (sighs): Fine. 419 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,187 Come in. You can start 420 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,789 while I finish grading some papers. 421 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,428 Hurry up. Clients will be here any moment. 422 00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:44,264 Now, slide it closer to his chair. 423 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:47,800 I want this thing to really smack him in the face. 424 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,238 Mr. Druthers, thank you again for understanding about Lily. 425 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:53,806 Oh. Well, I pity her. 426 00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:55,242 I mean, to steal from my office 427 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,111 and then write that slanderous note... 428 00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:01,148 You might say that Lily was mentally deranged. 429 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,284 You might say that, Ted. 430 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:08,488 Lily was mentally deranged. 431 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:12,425 You might even say it loud enough for everyone to hear. 432 00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,863 Lily was mentally deranged! 433 00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,700 Oh! That's a bit harsh, don't you think, Ted? 434 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:22,935 The clients are here. 435 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,304 Excellent. Bring them in. 436 00:18:24,371 --> 00:18:26,339 Our client was a major bank 437 00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,808 and financial services company in Spokane. 438 00:18:28,875 --> 00:18:30,510 They wanted a modern skyscraper 439 00:18:30,577 --> 00:18:32,145 that still captured the distinct flavor 440 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,181 and history of the Northwest. 441 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:36,549 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you 442 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,453 the Spokane National Bank Building. 443 00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:44,857 That's a penis! 444 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:49,329 That's... that's ridiculous. 445 00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,097 There's no way 446 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,166 this majestic tower can be confused 447 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,902 with the male organ of love. 448 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,438 We're not building a penis. 449 00:18:58,505 --> 00:18:59,672 You got any other ideas? 450 00:18:59,739 --> 00:19:02,642 Other ideas? 451 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:05,378 You said you wanted Hammond Druthers. 452 00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:08,147 This is Hammond Druthers. 453 00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:10,383 Well, hats off to your lady friends, 454 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,885 but I'm not building it. 455 00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:15,788 We're done here. 456 00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:18,191 The trajectory of my entire career 457 00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,392 might have been different 458 00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:22,495 had I not unwittingly worn my justice khakis that day. 459 00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:23,763 Wait! 460 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,367 We have one more idea for you. 461 00:19:28,134 --> 00:19:29,202 What are you doing? 462 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,937 I have another design. 463 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,105 Sit down, shut up right now. 464 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,074 No. 465 00:19:35,141 --> 00:19:38,378 * Thank you for the invitation * 466 00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:41,881 * She showed me very nice... * 467 00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:44,217 To Ted! The youngest person to ever design a building 468 00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:46,853 over 70 stories probably! 469 00:19:46,919 --> 00:19:48,555 ALL: Probably! 470 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:51,424 Congrats, Ted. 471 00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:53,560 Hey, thanks for telling me 472 00:19:53,626 --> 00:19:55,362 to stand up to Druthers and pitch my idea. 473 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:58,465 Seriously, none of this would have happened if it weren't for you. 474 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,733 Oh. You know what, Ted? 475 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,602 That was very nice. 476 00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,071 You have earned these screws back. 477 00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,641 Don't sit in your desk chair until you've put them back in. 478 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,444 Hey, I'm project manager now, 479 00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:13,179 so, if you want your old job back... 480 00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:14,947 No, thanks. 481 00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:19,252 I think I figured out what I want to be when I grow up. 482 00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:20,353 * Check the score... * 483 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:25,292 Casey, that's not how we treat people. 484 00:20:25,358 --> 00:20:28,094 You'll get this back when you learn to be nice. 485 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:29,662 * We're number one * 486 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,965 * Turn around now, back where you're from * 487 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:36,969 * Wrote this tune, soon everybody's... * 488 00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,342 Barney! Oh, my God! 489 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:43,576 What happened? 490 00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,514 He broke his hip. 491 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,482 That's not true. 492 00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:51,584 It's just temporarily dislocated. 493 00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:52,985 Seriously, I'm fine. 494 00:20:53,052 --> 00:20:55,054 No, he's not fine. 495 00:20:55,121 --> 00:20:56,989 Professor Lewis, hi. 496 00:20:57,056 --> 00:21:00,126 Mr. Eriksen. Hello. I graded your paper tonight. 497 00:21:00,192 --> 00:21:03,696 I was pleasantly surprised. 498 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,131 Yeah, she was. 499 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:07,467 B-plus. 500 00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:10,337 B-plus?! 501 00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,405 Marshall, after I've gone through 502 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,273 my eight weeks of physical therapy, 503 00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:15,875 I am going to get you that "A"! 504 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,378 Let her go. 505 00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:21,314 She belongs out there in the wild. 506 00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,950 You should feel proud. 507 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,419 You fought the cougar and lived. 508 00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:29,722 It was an amazing safari. 509 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,625 I can't wait to show you guys the slides.