1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,671 TED: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. 2 00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,973 In all the years we lived in New York, 3 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,975 none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. 4 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,744 Until one day, one of us did. 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,547 (screaming) 6 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,983 It's a pretty good story. 7 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,652 And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role. 8 00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,654 It all started two weeks earlier 9 00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,323 at Lily's housewarming. 10 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,725 Welcome to my new home. 11 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,327 Oh, wow, Lily, this is... 12 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,329 Oh, this is all of it. 13 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:29,897 Yeah, I know it's small, 14 00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:31,999 but it's got character. 15 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,234 Thank you. 16 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,503 And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors. 17 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,870 They're great. 18 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,706 They're always out there in the hall, you know, 19 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,209 cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts. 20 00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,843 It's nice. 21 00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,179 Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen? 22 00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,680 Or a stove in your bathroom? 23 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,683 Oh, that's not just a stove. 24 00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,252 That's a stovenkerator: 25 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,586 a combination of a stove, 26 00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,589 oven, sink and refrigerator. 27 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:56,690 Stovenkerator. 28 00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:57,858 Isn't that futuristic? 29 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,427 God, I hope not. 30 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,195 Hey, cool Murphy bed. 31 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,931 Yeah, it's kind of a mess. 32 00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,266 I didn't make my bed this morning, so... 33 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,034 Oh! 34 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,437 You know what, 35 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,039 I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you. 36 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,374 For some reason. 37 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,576 I got it. 38 00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,880 (man shouting in Lithuanian) 39 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,384 That was, something, something, 40 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:27,888 I am going to, something, you like a, something, donkey. 41 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,989 Huh. 42 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,292 Other cultures. 43 00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,426 Hey, 44 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,927 let's break out the fruit basket. 45 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,796 Hey, who ate all the...? 46 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:36,830 (squeaking) 47 00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,949 Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment. 48 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,117 Her roommate is a raccoon. 49 00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,253 I'd offer her my place, 50 00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,754 but I've got dogs and she's allergic. 51 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:01,955 Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. 52 00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,791 I think she's a little more allergic to that. 53 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,092 ROBIN: What about your place, Barney? 54 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,960 I know it's shrouded in mystery, 55 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,429 but it's gotta have a couch. 56 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,164 The Fortress of Barnitude? No way. 57 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,799 Come on. She's desperate. 58 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,767 Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,135 but... pass. 60 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,472 One of you guys is very, very lucky 61 00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,973 because I have... 62 00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,442 a boom, an extra ticket 63 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,444 to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in? Ew. 64 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,978 Absolutely not. No. 65 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,614 Damn! I got these tickets, like, months ago 66 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,717 for me and Lily and now I can't find anyone to go with me. 67 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,353 This is what I miss about being in a couple. 68 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,954 I always had someone to go to concerts with, 69 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,823 or farmer's market, 70 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,625 or brunch. 71 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,992 God, I miss brunch! 72 00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:39,993 Well, I guess you could... 73 00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,029 well, you could try going to brunch alone. 74 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,497 Oh, you don't think I've tried? 75 00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,366 Table for one. 76 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,301 One couple? 77 00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,470 Um, no, just me. 78 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,640 Really? For brunch? 79 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,375 You're right. Who am I kidding? 80 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,878 Ooh, The Popover Pantry. That place is great. 81 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,146 Can we go get brunch tomorrow? 82 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,348 Of course, sweetie. 83 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,015 Can I go with you guys? 84 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,017 Really? For brunch? 85 00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,054 God, I hate being single! 86 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,360 Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game. 87 00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,662 Oh, and P. to the S., I never got my payout 88 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,997 from Seattle from two weeks ago. 89 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,734 Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you. 90 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,670 I'm sure they'd be very interested 91 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,071 to know what's going on over there. 92 00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:27,508 All right? All right? 93 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,610 Okay, I love you, too, Mom. Take care. 94 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,215 Hello, Lily. 95 00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:40,354 You've somehow managed to circumvent my security. 96 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:42,189 How did you do it? 97 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,857 Ted gave me your spare key. 98 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,059 Spare key, brilliant! 99 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,429 I'm sorry, but you know I'd only come here 100 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,930 if I had no other choice. 101 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:53,301 But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and... 102 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,116 Sveikas. 103 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,486 That's terrible. 104 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,055 Well, see ya. 105 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,091 Well, can I stay here maybe? Oh... 106 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,894 I'd let you, but I don't have any room. 107 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,063 You live in a two-bedroom apartment. 108 00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,733 You have one room just for your suits. 109 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,935 Hey, I'm at a point in my life 110 00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,136 where my suits are my family. 111 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,905 Look around you, Lily. 112 00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,942 You are in the heart of bachelor country, 113 00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,611 and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. 114 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,481 Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa, 115 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,249 but that only lasts 12 hours. 116 00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,084 14 if you qualify for multiple entry. 117 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,419 (chuckles) 118 00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,755 Eww... is something 119 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,990 some lame, judgmental chick would say, 120 00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:53,927 but I say give me multiple high fives. 121 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,096 Wow, you really are desperate. 122 00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,631 I really am. 123 00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,968 Okay, you can stay here for two days. 124 00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,136 (sighs) But I only have one rule. 125 00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,172 You can't change anything. 126 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,940 Why would I change anything? 127 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,141 This place is... 128 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,111 ...perfect. 129 00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,146 Except for the fact that you don't have a TV. 130 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,982 See that wall? 131 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,653 (turns on TV, indistinct chatter from TV) 132 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,856 300-inch flat-screen. 133 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,825 They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy. 134 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,127 Had to ship it over in a tugboat 135 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,363 like freakin' King Kong. 136 00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:30,464 It hurts my eyes. 137 00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:33,000 Yeah. That doesn't go away. 138 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,969 Hey. 139 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,037 Hey, where have you been? 140 00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,039 The Alanis Morissette concert. 141 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,974 By yourself? No, actually I went 142 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,309 with a friend from law school. 143 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,677 Oh, really? 144 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,312 Who's this friend? 145 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,180 Brad. 146 00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,884 Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks! 147 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,319 Totally! I can't believe 148 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,187 I almost didn't come tonight. Let me guess: 149 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,823 You bought the tickets for you and Lily 150 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,990 right before she dumped you. 151 00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,225 Yeah, how'd you know? 152 00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,193 I just got dumped myself. 153 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:03,063 What, Kara broke up with you? 154 00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,866 I'm sorry, man. That sucks. 155 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:11,004 Brad, do you like brunch? 156 00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,740 You invited him to brunch? 157 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,908 Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why, is that weird? 158 00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,010 Yes. That's why I was all, 159 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,746 "You invited him to brunch?" 160 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:22,382 Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch? 161 00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:25,218 Because brunch is kind of... 162 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,754 Girly. 163 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,189 Girly? Breakfast isn't girly. 164 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,425 Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly? 165 00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:32,693 I don't know. 166 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,094 There's nothing girly about a horse. 167 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,196 Nothing girly about a horn, 168 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,733 but put them together and you get a unicorn. 169 00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,368 I don't care what either of you say, 170 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,705 I am going to The Popover Pantry with Brad. 171 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:48,108 We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch. 172 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,782 (sniffs): Hmm... 173 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,717 smells delicious. Thank you. 174 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,553 There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up... 175 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,888 What are you doing? 176 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,956 Lily, what was the first rule again? 177 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,758 Don't change anything? 178 00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:05,893 And what was the second rule? 179 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,260 There was no second rule. 180 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:08,796 Exactly! There was only one rule 181 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,430 and you broke it. 182 00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:12,466 I bought groceries. 183 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,734 That counts as changing something? 184 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,235 (sighs): Lily, 185 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,070 if I wanted a fridge full of groceries, 186 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,906 or fresh coffee in the morning, 187 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,274 I'd be in a relationship. 188 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:25,746 But I don't want to be in a relationship. 189 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,648 That's why I make it crystal-clear 190 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,282 to every girl that walks through that door 191 00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,652 that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush. 192 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,087 This is not a place to leave a contact lens case. 193 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,590 This is a place to leave. 194 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,758 Come on, I'll give you a tour. 195 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,459 Uh, no flash photography, please. 196 00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,163 Bienvenido to the bedroom. 197 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,932 Dig this: king-sized bed, 198 00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,934 full-sized blanket, one pillow. 199 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,435 Everything about this bed says, 200 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,804 "Our work here is done." 201 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,507 Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom. 202 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:56,443 What, only one towel? 203 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,310 What, no hairdryer? 204 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,679 You know where I keep that stuff? 205 00:07:58,712 --> 00:07:59,813 Your place. Beat it. 206 00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:03,483 And the coup de grace... 207 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,557 Yeah, that's right. 208 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,892 Patent-pending. 209 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,128 And wilkommen to the hallway. 210 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,631 While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn... 211 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,999 Marshall doesn't have porn. 212 00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,868 Aww, that's sweet. 213 00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,136 While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn, 214 00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,137 I had mine... 215 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,073 professionally lit. 216 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,143 Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough. 217 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,546 And if that doesn't drive them away, 218 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,848 there's always your life-sized storm-trooper. 219 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,984 No, that's just awesome. 220 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,151 So you see, 221 00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,720 whenever a girl wakes up here, 222 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,489 I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else. 223 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,191 My apartment does it for me. 224 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,327 God, I love brunch. 225 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,062 Oh, damn... 226 00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,498 the zucchini bread is "ridonkulous." 227 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,834 This isn't weird, right? 228 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,502 I sort of thought it might be, 229 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,837 but it totally isn't. 230 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,505 And B-T-dub, you totally 231 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,340 did not oversell the eggs Benny. 232 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,408 Right? I mean, 233 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,677 why can't two single bros 234 00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,512 go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style? 235 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,916 Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying. 236 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,684 This must be destiny. 237 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,419 What are you talking about? 238 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,922 I have two tickets for Mamma Mia Friday night. 239 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:15,923 You like Abba, right? 240 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,025 (laughs): What am I saying? Who doesn't? 241 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,895 Anyway, I was gonna take Kara, but now it's all you and me. 242 00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,698 We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say? 243 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,767 Yeah! 244 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,610 Hey. Did the cold wake you? 245 00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:39,446 No, I've just been watching you sleep. 246 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,582 Oh, did you try and take a shower? 247 00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,217 I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel. 248 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,552 I don't buy into the myth 249 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,621 that we need to shower every day. 250 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:49,923 Okay. 251 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,258 I'd offer you some coffee, 252 00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,560 but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to... 253 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,928 I'm boycotting coffee. 254 00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,597 You may as well drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer. 255 00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,934 God, I love this place. 256 00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,402 Good thing I don't have a job 257 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,004 because I could stay here all day. 258 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,408 I think I left something on the bookshelf. 259 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:12,445 Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look. 260 00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:14,815 Oh, I'm disgusting. 261 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,316 Wow, 262 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,617 you're open about your sexuality 263 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,619 and that's one of the reasons I love you. 264 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,956 Did I just say that? 265 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,325 Oh, well, cat's out of the bag. 266 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,493 I love you. 267 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,996 Whoa, uh... 268 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,431 Okay, beep, beep. Backing up, um... 269 00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,300 Hi, Barney. Oh... 270 00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,502 Oh, my God. 271 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,104 Are you married? Is this your wife? 272 00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,271 What? No. 273 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,140 Yes! 274 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,509 Yes? Yes. 275 00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,145 You son of a bitch! 276 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,948 I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple. 277 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,983 Come on, baby. Oh, Dawn, you can find... 278 00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,152 Please, no. Oh, you don't understand. 279 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,154 (Dawn continues muttering) What have I done? This is the worst. 280 00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,322 How could...? 281 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,325 You're not going anywhere. 282 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,132 Wow. 283 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,299 That was close. 284 00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,968 That hippie chick wouldn't leave. 285 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,303 She was ready to squat here. 286 00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,538 Well, she'd have to 287 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,206 with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she? 288 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,476 She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment... 289 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,345 except you. 290 00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,013 You're better than porn. 291 00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,349 Thank you? 292 00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,052 How would you like to extend your stay here? 293 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,553 All you'd have to do 294 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:27,821 is pretend to be my wife, 295 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,857 and scare off the occasional one-night stand. 296 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,524 I know, I know. You've got your ethics. 297 00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,060 You've got your principles... I'll do it. 298 00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,361 Really? 299 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:37,030 Barney, you've clearly got 300 00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,833 some serious mother issues that have left you 301 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,402 the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. 302 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,670 But, in my 303 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,905 other apartment, I would be living 304 00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:49,042 with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win. 305 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,377 I'll take it. 306 00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,180 Mamma Mia? 307 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,214 Mamma Mia. 308 00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,082 You know what? 309 00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,083 It's supposed to be 310 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,384 a great musical, okay? 311 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,086 It won all sorts of Tonys and stuff. 312 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,353 No, totally. 313 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,190 It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date. 314 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,391 Ooh, third date. 315 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,692 You know what that means. 316 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,194 (makes bed squeaking sound) 317 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,929 It is not a date, okay. 318 00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,198 It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show. 319 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,266 You bros going to get dinner beforehand? 320 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,102 We might grab a steak, yeah. 321 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,269 Mmm-hmm. Where at? 322 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,639 Cafe L'Amour. 323 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,543 Brad says the food is really good there, okay. 324 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,546 Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. 325 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,048 You better bring your "A" game. 326 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,217 That means no granny panties. 327 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,451 All right, you know what? 328 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:32,920 You two are just threatened 329 00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,388 because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' turf. 330 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,289 Well, guess what? 331 00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,425 It's my territory now. 332 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,728 I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. 333 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,065 That's right; Brad and I are taking back Broadway. 334 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,466 What are you going to wear? 335 00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,068 I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin... 336 00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,470 Oh, you know what? Shut up. 337 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,941 Can you pass the Arts and Leisure? 338 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,115 Can you pass the Arts and Leisure? 339 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,917 I just did. 340 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:04,952 Honey, I'm... 341 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,456 Barney, what the hell is going on here? 342 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,991 Lily, I can explain... 343 00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,259 How could you? 344 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,626 In our own home? 345 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,428 You bastard! 346 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,664 I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know he had... Just get out. 347 00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:21,301 This is what I get after I worked as a stripper 348 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,803 for four years to put you through medical school? 349 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,839 I got breast implants for you. 350 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,841 I... 351 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:29,809 I was just about to turn on the tears. 352 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,779 Brava. 353 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,615 That was incredible. And that 354 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,117 slap was genius. 355 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,285 You did not hold back. 356 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,620 Yeah, that I just always wanted to do. 357 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,155 Fair enough. 358 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,157 I have to say, 359 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,826 it's kind of nice having food around here for a change. 360 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,694 You know... 361 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,829 nah, never mind. 362 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:50,864 What? 363 00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,333 You're my wife. You can tell me anything. 364 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:56,303 Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse, 365 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,139 we should try to make this place a little more... 366 00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,473 you know, homey. 367 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,642 Like-like a woman would actually live here. 368 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,377 What did you have in mind? 369 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,414 (lively tune plays) 370 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,224 * Bones, bones, brittle little bones * 371 00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,492 * It's not the milk you seek 372 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,329 * It's the sun you need 373 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:27,334 * Sugar dumpling, muffin baby 374 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,371 * This world is going crazy 375 00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,406 * Do-do, do-do 376 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,842 * Do-do, do-do 377 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,345 * Do-do, do-do, do 378 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,047 La, la, la. 379 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,249 Hey, you're home. 380 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,850 I didn't think we'd be seeing you 381 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,252 until tomorrow morning. Ha,ha, 382 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,886 ha, ha. It wasn't a date. 383 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,724 Okay, it was a date and it got way weird. 384 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,064 Oh, you really don't have to do that. 385 00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,265 No, I insist. 386 00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,399 You're my guest. 387 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,534 Thanks, Brad. 388 00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,937 Bro, 389 00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,905 you got some chocolate on your chin. 390 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,043 Still there. 391 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,778 I'll get that bad boy. 392 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,783 Whoa. 393 00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,551 Well, it could have been worse. 394 00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,588 It could have fallen in your lap. 395 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,257 It gets worse. 396 00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,758 No, I-I can do it, Brad. 397 00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,227 Okay, thank you. 398 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,896 So anyway, ah, 399 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,931 it's this Saturday. Do you want to come? 400 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:36,269 You want me to go to a wedding with you? 401 00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,106 Okay, that's not too bad. 402 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,807 Two single guys on the prowl. 403 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,112 Just keep Brad away from the bouquet. 404 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,415 It gets worse. 405 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,749 It gets better. 406 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:50,650 The foliage 407 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,986 in Vermont this time of year is ridonk. 408 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,321 Vermont? 409 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,656 Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome B&B. 410 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,925 Kara and I used to go there. 411 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,127 Anyway, 412 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,129 there is one room left, and we got it. 413 00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,131 Walt Whitman Suite, bro. 414 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,137 You said no, right? 415 00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,838 Of course. 416 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:12,972 I understand. 417 00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,008 It's cool. 418 00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,510 It's the first time I was going to see my college friends 419 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,012 since Kara left me. 420 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,613 I just... 421 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:24,484 (sobbing): I just miss her so much. 422 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,290 I'll go to Vermont with you. 423 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,825 That's great! 424 00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,862 You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn. 425 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,565 I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat. 426 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,035 (laughing) 427 00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,171 I'm sorry. 428 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,638 It's not funny anymore. 429 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,874 Damn you, brunch! 430 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,310 This guy's crazy, right? 431 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,479 Look, I don't think he's crazy. 432 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,813 I just think he's suffering 433 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,815 from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal. 434 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,052 And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch. 435 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,687 And now you have to do 436 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,322 what every dysfunctional couple has to do: 437 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,057 break up. 438 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:04,991 You're right. You're right. 439 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,025 I promised Brad I would go 440 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,660 to the wedding with him, and then that is it . 441 00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,062 Good man. 442 00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:12,832 Oh, I think we made the right decision 443 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,001 going for the custom-made Italian sheets. Hey, 444 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,336 if my bed's going suit up, 445 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,704 it's going to do it right. 446 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,872 Want to give it a whirl? 447 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,175 Oh. 448 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,376 (moans) 449 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,679 All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars. 450 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,047 What are you going to do 451 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,350 tonight? Oh, I was just going to watch Letterman 452 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,352 but, God this bed is so comfy. 453 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,254 I wish you had a TV in here. 454 00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,193 Okay, seriously, 455 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,061 what do you do for a living? 456 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,730 (chuckling): Please. 457 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,435 I thought you were going out. 458 00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,436 Eh. 459 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,070 After the monologue. 460 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,775 The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan, 461 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,444 your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment 462 00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,911 to leave for the wedding in Vermont. 463 00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,613 But when he got there... 464 00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,081 No. 465 00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:04,151 No... 466 00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,054 No. 467 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,456 No! 468 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,624 No. 469 00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,130 Ted. 470 00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,932 Um, Brad got me flowers. 471 00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,401 Hold on. 472 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,103 Brad got him flowers. 473 00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,605 I'm sorry. 474 00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,275 It just got funny again. 475 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,745 Oh, hey... No, Brad, uh, 476 00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,081 I don't want to hear it. I do like you. 477 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,583 And calla lilies are my favorite flower. 478 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,084 I don't know how you knew that. 479 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,254 I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man. 480 00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,922 I can't believe that you would... Hey, sweetie. 481 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,123 Hey. 482 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,461 Aww. 483 00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,129 Hey, Marshall. 484 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,498 Hi, Kara. 485 00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,801 So you guys, are like, back together now? Yeah. 486 00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,336 Happened last night. 487 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:00,607 Uh, I'm sorry, bro. 488 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,641 I should have called you. 489 00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:02,942 Yeah, you should have. 490 00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,811 Well, I didn't mean to hurt... Don't, Brad. 491 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,948 Just don't. 492 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,785 * There was something in the air that night * 493 00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,954 * The stars went bright... 494 00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,123 Oh, what was with him? 495 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,792 I don't know. 496 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,061 I think he's in love with me. 497 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,366 * Fernando... 498 00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,873 (screaming) 499 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,142 I can't believe we just... 500 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,345 you and I... what have we done? Nothing. 501 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,379 Nothing happened. 502 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,148 We-we just went to sleep. 503 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,316 Just went to sleep? 504 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,151 I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman 505 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,219 and not make a move. 506 00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:49,155 How could... You. 507 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,492 You spooned me against my will. 508 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,861 Hey, it takes two to cuddle. 509 00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,028 We... 510 00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:58,998 We... 511 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,200 We redecorated my place. 512 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,703 We stayed in 513 00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,037 on a Friday night 514 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,038 to watch Letterman, 515 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,341 and then slept together and didn't have sex? 516 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,744 Oh, my God, we're in a relationship. 517 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,747 That's what you think a relationship is? 518 00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,683 You were supposed to be the vaccine, 519 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,585 but you gave me the disease. 520 00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,553 You gotta go. 521 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,454 Barney. 522 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,524 I don't think you're mad at me. 523 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,393 You're mad at yourself. 524 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,029 You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, 525 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,799 and-and it actually felt okay. 526 00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,235 And that terrifies you. 527 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,737 Uh-huh. 528 00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,205 You gotta go. 529 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,240 Hey, you can't just kick me out! 530 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,075 I put a lot of work into this place, 531 00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,045 and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living. 532 00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,914 A certain standard of living? 533 00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,115 You didn't pay a single... Yeah... 534 00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,050 And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson, 535 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,586 after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits. 536 00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,622 Fortunately, they reached a settlement. 537 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,223 And that's the story 538 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,659 of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment. 539 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,766 Marshall ran into Brad again some time later. 540 00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,735 Oh, my God, it's Brad. 541 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,403 Laugh like I said something really funny. 542 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:11,804 Right, right. That's was great. 543 00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,239 Hey, Marshall. 544 00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,074 Oh, hey, hey, how's it going? 545 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,243 It's good. Hey, I'm, uh... 546 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,078 Yeah, I know who you are. 547 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,914 Well, I got to go. I got this thing. 548 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,483 Yeah, me, too, but more important. 549 00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,585 So, I guess I'll see you around. 550 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,019 Sure. Sure. 551 00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,592 Even if you don't believe it, 552 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,628 tell me he looks fat. Totally looks fat.