1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,204 TED: Marshall and Lily had been together 2 00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:05,406 for nine wonderful years, 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,309 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 4 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,645 The healing process was taking a long time. 5 00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,281 (groans) 6 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,183 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 7 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,784 All right, I'll see you guys later. 8 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,018 I'll walk you out. 9 00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:20,354 MARSHALL: See ya. 10 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,126 You just checked out Robin's ass. 11 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,728 What? No! N-No, Barney, I was... 12 00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,430 Dude, that's awesome. 13 00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,931 You're finally forgetting 14 00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,667 about that short redhead. Lily. 15 00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:34,702 Yes, Lily. Thank you. 16 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,737 That was going to drive me crazy all night. 17 00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,273 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 18 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,575 I did not, Ted, I... That's awesome. 19 00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,976 You're finally getting better. 20 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,745 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 21 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,948 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 22 00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,050 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 23 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,253 Yes! Oh, God. 24 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,324 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 25 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,559 What's something everybody likes? Candy. 26 00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,529 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 27 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,632 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 28 00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,267 (groans) Yeah. 29 00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,836 Is Whoppers the best one? 30 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:09,837 Mounds. 31 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,038 Milk Duds. 32 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,606 Gobstoppers. 33 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,709 This went on for another hour; I'll just skip to the end. 34 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,879 Dubble Bubbles. Nice! 35 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,181 Marshall. 36 00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,182 We're doing this. 37 00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,083 I am not taking no for an answer. 38 00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,219 Fine. (chuckles) Hey, Robin. 39 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,287 Marshall checked out your ass. 40 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,189 Ted, what is wrong with you? 41 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,857 He checked out my ass. 42 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,991 Hey, tell him thanks. 43 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,060 I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 44 00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,629 Cool, see ya. 45 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,200 Lily. 46 00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:42,436 It is a great ass. 47 00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,487 TED: None of us had seen Lily in three months. 48 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,355 There were so many unanswered questions, 49 00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,690 so many things to say. 50 00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,926 Your hair is adorable. 51 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,995 (both giggling) 52 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,664 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 53 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,033 for the first time since he was 17. 54 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,101 Just wing it. Come on. 55 00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,936 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 56 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,838 Hi. Hi. 57 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,410 Look how sweaty my hands are. 58 00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,679 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 59 00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:29,750 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 60 00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,653 Eww. It was nice meeting you. 61 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,923 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 62 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,925 do you like magic? 63 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,693 Um, I guess. 64 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,794 (gasps) 65 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,232 Oh, my God! 66 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,636 (laughing) 67 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,104 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 68 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,073 Salad in a bag? His idea. 69 00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,242 Dude! 70 00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,809 You were awesome last night. 71 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,877 You were charming, 72 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,813 you were funny, you were totally working that girl. 73 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:00,948 You went home with her. 74 00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,683 Yes, I did. 75 00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,184 But she told me 76 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,655 that if it wasn't for me, you would have had a shot with her, 77 00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,691 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 78 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,125 All right! 79 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,927 Hypothetical high five. 80 00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,764 Nice. 81 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,233 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 82 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,102 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 83 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:25,439 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. Oh, really? 84 00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,341 My favorite, number seven: 85 00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,343 create a mystery about yourself. 86 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,844 That way, they become so intrigued, 87 00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,213 they have to hang out with you all night. 88 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,715 Oh, come on, does that really work? 89 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:38,552 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 90 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,022 Damn it, that's intriguing. 91 00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,291 Okay, I'm in. 92 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,996 I have something you've got to hear. You will not believe what just happened. 93 00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,631 You go first. 94 00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,601 I found a 1939 penny on the subway. 95 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,903 Just imagine the kind of history 96 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,137 this little copper guy... 97 00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,506 Lily's back in town. 98 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:02,410 And you let me go first? Have you seen her? 99 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,211 Uh, yeah. I actually went 100 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,913 apartment-hunting with her today. 101 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,247 How's she doing? 102 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,716 You're not going to like it. 103 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,385 I am doing great. 104 00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,687 This summer, best thing ever! 105 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,357 San Francisco is so happening right now. 106 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,691 She's happy?! 107 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,993 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, 108 00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,396 and she's happy. 109 00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,197 Yeah, and I suppose her art program 110 00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,166 was all fulfilling or whatever. 111 00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:29,603 Oh. The art program-- best thing ever. 112 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,405 Oh, my God. 113 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,374 This is your best work. 114 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,008 In all my years teaching, I've never seen 115 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,511 anything so... 116 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,314 Needless to say, this is art. 117 00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,615 (chuckles) 118 00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:44,251 I can't teach you anything. 119 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,286 (gasps) 120 00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,988 (chuckles) 121 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,923 But the best part of S.F.-- 122 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:50,724 Oh, that's what 123 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,594 we call San Francisco-- the people. 124 00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:55,996 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 125 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:59,066 It was like a human tapestry. 126 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,701 Hi, I'm Mike. 127 00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,104 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 128 00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:07,307 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 129 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,842 Yeah. 130 00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,611 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 131 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,546 You are stunning, by the way. 132 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,618 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 133 00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,721 Oh, she's such a... 134 00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,290 After what she did to Marshall, 135 00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,726 she should come back here devastated, 136 00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,528 crawling on all fours over the broken glass 137 00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:28,896 of her own shame and regret. 138 00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,699 You never chose sides. I respect that. 139 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,900 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 140 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,969 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 141 00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,137 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 142 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,606 Ted found a penny on the subway, 143 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:42,810 and it's old, and that's interesting. 144 00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,878 Way to go. 145 00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:50,684 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 146 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,520 Second, we have to tell him. 147 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,021 No, we don't. 148 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,089 He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 149 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,358 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel 150 00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,560 when he hears Lily's moved on? 151 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,228 She's moved on? 152 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,130 It happens. I've fallen out of love 153 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,297 faster than that before, 154 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,966 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 155 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,470 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 156 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:14,708 But we're great. Honey. 157 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,080 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 158 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,583 Lesson two, corollary five. 159 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,886 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive, 160 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,387 and she'll be putty in your hands. 161 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,456 Excellent. 162 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,057 Have you chosen your entrée? 163 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,093 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 164 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,495 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 165 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,129 She's walking to the bar. 166 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,098 Her? Really? 167 00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,066 Yeah. 168 00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,468 No, you're right. 169 00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,369 Ambition is the enemy of success. 170 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,737 Okay. Hit it. 171 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,241 (smacks lips) 172 00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,242 What's the matter, four eyes, 173 00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,544 you got astigmatism or something? 174 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,079 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 175 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,914 but I just got out of a long relationship. 176 00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,450 I have no idea what I'm doing. 177 00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,218 I'm Marshall. 178 00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,253 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 179 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,022 Don't worry. I've been there. 180 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,423 Hold on. 181 00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,126 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 182 00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,094 Um, Amy. 183 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,496 This is my friend, Barney. 184 00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,197 Barney, this is Amy. 185 00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,264 Hi, Barney. 186 00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,033 Nice to meet you. Hi. 187 00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:18,138 Amy, do you like... magic? 188 00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,174 I hate you. I am so sorry. 189 00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,275 It's a sickness. 190 00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,011 I'm the real victim here. 191 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,412 Twice. 192 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,481 Twice in a row, you took my candy. 193 00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,182 That was my candy. 194 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,417 I know, but tonight... 195 00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,351 No. 196 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,419 Forget it. 197 00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,622 You're such a jackass. 198 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,826 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 199 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,629 All right, I'm sorry. 200 00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,731 I will make it up to you. 201 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:44,998 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar 202 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,801 near NYU-- The Scorpion and the Toad. 203 00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:48,636 I figure 204 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,837 in a younger crowd 205 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,471 you'll seem more mature, more worldly 206 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:55,075 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 207 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,180 Okay, but no magic. 208 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,318 How did you do that? 209 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,487 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 210 00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,024 Robin and I met Lily 211 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,693 outside the next apartment she was seeing. 212 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,428 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 213 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,463 which was painting, 214 00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,831 but now I think it's music 215 00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,733 or spoken word-- maybe both. 216 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,569 God! Isn't life amazing? 217 00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,805 It is so great to see you, Ted. 218 00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:28,041 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 219 00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,943 Hmm? 220 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,044 What? 221 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,112 She's miserable. 222 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,647 She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 223 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,616 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. 224 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,585 I love it! Um, no. You just 225 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,719 want Lily to be miserable. 226 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:39,953 The truth is, she's happy. 227 00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,922 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 228 00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,256 Trust me. I'm a girl. 229 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,692 Yeah, but you're Canadian. Why do you always 230 00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,059 have to bring that up? 231 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,427 You're our weird neighbors to the north. 232 00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,496 You bring it up every time. All right, five bucks says 233 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,131 she still wants Marshall. 234 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,933 You're on. 235 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,335 Five American bucks. Damn it. 236 00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,204 Okay, so how do we get 237 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:57,938 the truth out of her. 238 00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,273 Tequila. It's her weakness. 239 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,142 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 240 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,613 I hope this is my new home. 241 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,151 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 242 00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,786 (knocking) 243 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,922 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 244 00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,690 No way. Yeah, you're good in that. 245 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,191 Let's go. 246 00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,459 (clears throat) Wait. 247 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,828 Empty your pockets. 248 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,896 Come on. 249 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,502 Come on, let's... 250 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,503 (clears throat) Sleeves. 251 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,572 There is nothing in my... 252 00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:39,913 Oh, is that right? 253 00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:40,981 Uh-huh. 254 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,616 Let's go. (clears throat) 255 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,718 Behind my ear. 256 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,419 There is nothing behind your... 257 00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,188 BOTH: Oh. 258 00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,226 WOMAN: Yeah, I'm in pre-law. 259 00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,696 The workload's killing me, though. 260 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:56,864 Oh, tell me about it. 261 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,531 I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 262 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,767 Hmm. if the workload 263 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,501 does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 264 00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,602 (both laughing) 265 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,104 Yeah. 266 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,940 You must be majoring in chemistry, 267 00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:10,443 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 268 00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,345 College lesbian phase. 269 00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,618 Listen, I got to go, 270 00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,087 but it'd be great to see you again. 271 00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:23,023 Yes, it would. 272 00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,625 It really would. 273 00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,594 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 274 00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:31,498 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 275 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,233 You know, I do have a phone number. 276 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,737 Great. Nice. 277 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,538 Hi, I'm Barney. 278 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,539 Oh, no. 279 00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,508 Do you... 280 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,243 mind giving my friend your phone number? 281 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,712 Sure. 282 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,581 Whoo! 283 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,018 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 284 00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,220 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 285 00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,355 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinese food 286 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,324 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 287 00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,591 It'll be so... what? 288 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,394 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 289 00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,235 I'll kill you! 290 00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,138 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 291 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,439 Best beach ever! 292 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,774 Oh, I've been 293 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,376 blabbering on about my summer. 294 00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,511 How are you guys doing? 295 00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,780 And hey, how's Marshall? 296 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,214 Give me the card! I'm not giving you any card. 297 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,150 I swear...! You are not getting...! 298 00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,217 Terrific. 299 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,352 That is so good to hear. 300 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,353 (cell phone ringing) 301 00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,220 Oh, hold on. 302 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,356 This could be about the apartment. 303 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,224 (ringing continues) 304 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,326 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lily 305 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,895 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lily 306 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,529 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 307 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,867 So, congratulations, you win. 308 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,634 She's happy. 309 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,336 I didn't get it. 310 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,273 That first apartment, I... 311 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,875 I waited too long and... 312 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,577 somebody else got it. 313 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,113 (crying) 314 00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,482 Interesting. 315 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,885 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 316 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,719 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction 317 00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:00,988 on losing an apartment. 318 00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,056 I wonder if it's because it reminds you 319 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,692 of something else you lost because you couldn't commit. 320 00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,694 (continues crying) No, Lily, 321 00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,396 you're crying over the crown molding 322 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,764 and the real hardwood floors. 323 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,732 There's no deeper meaning. 324 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,935 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 325 00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,669 (crying continues) 326 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,440 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 327 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,349 Stop it. You don't want to see 328 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,118 what I'm like when I'm angry. 329 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,119 Stop! Hold on! 330 00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,486 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 331 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,521 then no one gets the number. 332 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,923 (screams) 333 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,257 Stop the cab. Wha...? 334 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:38,926 (tires screech) 335 00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,427 No, wait. Come on. 336 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,362 Marshall! (door closes) 337 00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,965 81st and First, please. 338 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,469 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 339 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,073 TED: The thing about a hangover 340 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,808 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 341 00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:55,876 WAITER: Morning, guys. 342 00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,244 What can I get you? Shh! 343 00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,547 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 344 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,249 And a milk shake. 345 00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,217 For you, sir? 346 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,287 Gravy. 347 00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,489 You want that gravy on something? 348 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,458 Surprise me. 349 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,060 I'd take you with gravy 350 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,662 if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 351 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,965 Just kidding. I'm good. 352 00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,234 What are you so chirpy about? 353 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,603 She's still drunk from last night. 354 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,238 I don't think so. 355 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,540 Whoo! 356 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,344 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 357 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,347 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 358 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,883 I was dying to ask. 359 00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,218 I was just trying to play it cool. 360 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,819 But really... 361 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,554 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 362 00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,023 LILY: Come on, say something about Marshall. 363 00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,124 Where's Marshall? How's Marshall? 364 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,292 What's Marshall doing right now? 365 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,693 Shut up and talk about Marshall. 366 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:47,827 Shut up and talk about Marshall. 367 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,062 Shut up and talk about Marshall. 368 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,098 Marshall, Marshall, Marshall, Marshall... 369 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,599 I've got to ask! 370 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,601 And hey, how's Marshall? 371 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,103 It was such an awful summer. 372 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,906 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 373 00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,807 But I thought your summer was great. 374 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,809 Not exactly. 375 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,678 Oh, my God. 376 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,547 This is your best work? 377 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,050 In all my years teaching, 378 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,585 I've never seen anything so needless. 379 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,389 To say this is... art... 380 00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,127 I can't teach you anything. 381 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:25,465 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 382 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,600 Yeah, um... 383 00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,636 Hi. I'm Mike. 384 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,440 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 385 00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:38,378 (imitating woman): I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 386 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,313 (deep voice): I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. 387 00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:44,985 You are stunning, by the way. 388 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,854 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 389 00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,622 I screwed everything up. 390 00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,692 I have no job, no place to live. 391 00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,328 I lost the love of my life. 392 00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,565 I know I have no right to ask this, 393 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,401 but do you think Marshall would take me back? 394 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,936 In a heartbeat. 395 00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,337 If you called him up, yeah, 396 00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,706 he'd take you back with open arms. 397 00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:10,143 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 398 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,479 Maybe. 399 00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,714 No! This is... Ow! 400 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,183 Hold on. 401 00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,851 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 402 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,453 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 403 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,322 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 404 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,424 This breakup almost killed him. 405 00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,626 And he cannot go through it again. 406 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:27,760 So, unless 407 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,762 you're absolutely certain, 408 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,198 stay the hell away from him. 409 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,670 This guy likes pennies. 410 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,474 Hi, Marshall. 411 00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,876 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 412 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,546 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back 413 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,915 is in a moral gray area. 414 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:52,285 But the great news is, she loved you. 415 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,054 If things had gone your way-- 416 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,388 you'd gone out a couple times, 417 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,724 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 418 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,360 There's no "would" in sex. 419 00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,661 (both chuckle) 420 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,130 You're right, I totally... 421 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,931 I'm just no good at this, Barney. 422 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,633 I'm good at being in a couple, 423 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,101 I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 424 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,137 Being single-- forget it. 425 00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,704 Come on, you can't give up now. 426 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,074 What if I told you that you could relive that night 427 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,775 with the exact same conversations, 428 00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,144 the exact same jokes 429 00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,946 only this time, you get her and I don't. 430 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,414 That's not possible. 431 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,016 Oh, but it is. 432 00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,818 She has... wait for it... 433 00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,420 (voice rising): ...here it comes... 434 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,622 (high-pitched): ...almost there... 435 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,890 an identical twin. 436 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,892 Yes! 437 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,262 A twin isn't the same person. 438 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,464 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 439 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,133 "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person. Same person. 440 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,435 Hey, we could double date. 441 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,872 Fine. 442 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,740 But you have to promise me, 443 00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,111 you're not going to steal my new twin, and leave me 444 00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,480 with your old, used-up twin. 445 00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,547 Used up? 446 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,750 They're a human being, Marshall. 447 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,721 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney 448 00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,790 went out on a double date with the twins. 449 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,725 How you doing? 450 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,094 Great. 451 00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,229 Amazing. This is so much fun. 452 00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,331 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 453 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,465 You are, you definitely are. 454 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,334 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 455 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,869 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 456 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,372 I'm going home with both of them. 457 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,475 Yeah. That's happening. 458 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,612 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 459 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,081 But they're twins. 460 00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,317 You-- you said to me that being single 461 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,252 would be like being in a candy store. 462 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,221 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 463 00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,856 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 464 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,492 I may be your best friend... Actually Ted's my best friend. 465 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,829 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 466 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,165 That's what being single is. 467 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,200 And after nine years in captivity, 468 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,402 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 469 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,870 about surviving in the wild. 470 00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,306 Now, if you'll excuse me... 471 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,941 I have two unique breasts 472 00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,244 and two duplicates waiting for me. 473 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,481 (chuckles) 474 00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,284 Oh, bad news-- Marshall got food poisoning. 475 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,386 What? Oh, no. 476 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,488 That's too bad. I really liked him. 477 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,824 Yeah. well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 478 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,538 Lily, what are you doing here? 479 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,375 Oh, oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 480 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,144 Oh, you mean New York? 481 00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,179 My program ended. 482 00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,013 It was just great. 483 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,483 Just lots of fun... It was awful. 484 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,251 It was the worst mistake I ever made. 485 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,454 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 486 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,359 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 487 00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,496 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 488 00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,499 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 489 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:56,002 Can we please get back together? 490 00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,173 All that crap you said to me about, 491 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,876 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 492 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,813 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 493 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,881 it broke my heart. 494 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:14,153 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 495 00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,591 Can we please get back together? 496 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,628 Lily, you were right. 497 00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:27,900 All that crap was right. 498 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,702 So, no. 499 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,171 No, we can't get back together. 500 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,407 We shouldn't. 501 00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:37,444 At least, not right now. 502 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,513 Wow. 503 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,651 Okay. Yeah. 504 00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,455 Well... 505 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:53,226 Will we still see each other? 506 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,828 Yeah, yeah. 507 00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,264 I think so. 508 00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,600 I don't know. 509 00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,202 This is all really new to me. 510 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,740 I just got out of a long relationship. 511 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,080 I like your hair. 512 00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,283 Thanks. 513 00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:20,553 I figured new city, a different color... 514 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,555 * ...Wide open road * 515 00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:26,092 * It was love to us * 516 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,961 * It was all that we had... * 517 00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:36,202 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 518 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,406 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 519 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,176 Listen, if there's anything I can do 520 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,313 to even begin to make things up to you... 521 00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,218 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 522 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:55,722 but you can never ever ask me why. 523 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,758 So then I was promoted to assistant ménage-er... 524 00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,694 Manager-- why do I keep doing that? 525 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,331 Lily? 526 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,733 You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 527 00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,740 So where was I? 528 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,875 Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er... I did it again. 529 00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,345 I can't believe it. 530 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,348 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. 531 00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,483 You slime! 532 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,655 Wha... wait, I know magic. 533 00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,993 Well played, Eriksen. 534 00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,629 Well played.