1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,171 TED: Okay where were we? 2 00:00:03,237 --> 00:00:05,539 It was June of 2006, 3 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,408 and life had just taken an unexpected turn. 4 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:09,110 Dad, can't you just skip ahead 5 00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:10,611 to the part where you meet Mom? 6 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,613 I feel like you've been talking for like a year. 7 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,316 Honey, all this stuff I'm telling you is important. 8 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:16,884 It's all part of the story. 9 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,286 Could I go to the bathroom? 10 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,553 No. 11 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:23,891 The summer of 2006 was both wonderful and awful. 12 00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,427 For me, it started out great. 13 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,162 In fact, day one was amazing. 14 00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:30,364 I'd finally gotten together with Robin. 15 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:33,901 But while I'd been off having one of the best nights 16 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,869 of my life, your uncle Marshall 17 00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,107 had been having one of the worst nights of his. 18 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,842 * Crying in the street... * 19 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:42,910 MARSHALL: So that's it? 20 00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:44,878 We're breaking up? 21 00:00:44,945 --> 00:00:46,714 Marshall, I'm sorry. I just... 22 00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,216 I just need to go 23 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,185 to San Francisco and do this art program and-and figure out 24 00:00:51,252 --> 00:00:53,521 who I am outside of us. 25 00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:54,755 And the only way 26 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:59,793 that I can do that is if... if we don't talk for a while. 27 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,829 For a while. 28 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,264 Try never, okay? 29 00:01:03,331 --> 00:01:07,067 You walk out that door, and we're done. 30 00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,403 You're never going to hear my voice again. 31 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:10,904 I should call her. No, No. 32 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,806 Ted it is-- If you call her 33 00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:14,808 when she asked you not to you're just going to look weak 34 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,076 and you're going to regret it. 35 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,379 Now, listen, whenever you feel like calling her, 36 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,148 you come find me first. 37 00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:23,317 And I will punch you in the face. 38 00:01:23,384 --> 00:01:24,752 You're a good friend, Ted. 39 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:25,819 (knock at door) 40 00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,289 Hey. 41 00:01:28,356 --> 00:01:29,623 So, did you hear the big news? 42 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:32,092 You mean how Lily and Marshall broke up, 43 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:34,094 and Lily's gone and nothing else 44 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:35,729 even remotely important happened last night, 45 00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:36,730 yeah, I think he knows. 46 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:38,432 Oh, my God. 47 00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,868 I-I'm so sorry. Wh-- 48 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:41,969 What happened? 49 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,771 Well, she left. 50 00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:46,840 And I don't even know if she's coming back. 51 00:01:46,907 --> 00:01:48,309 I didn't get your message until I woke up. 52 00:01:48,376 --> 00:01:50,478 Bro, I am so sorry. 53 00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,412 Thanks. 54 00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:52,980 I know it must be tough, 55 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,382 but are you ready to hear something 56 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,049 that will not only make you feel better, 57 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,818 but will actively excite you? 58 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,353 Sure. 59 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:03,857 For the first time, ever, the three of us are single 60 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,359 at the same time. 61 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:08,095 I've dreamed about this day, boys, 62 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:09,463 and it's going to be 63 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,898 legendary. 64 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,834 Together, we will own this city. 65 00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:17,938 Anytime a girl wants to get back at her ex-boyfriends, 66 00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,807 we'll be there. 67 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:23,577 Anytime a girl wants to solve her father issues 68 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:28,549 through promiscuity and binge drinking, we will be there. 69 00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:31,485 Anytime a bachelorette party drives through the city 70 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,821 in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof shouting, 71 00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,523 (mimicking female voice): "What's up, New York?" 72 00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:39,059 we will be what is up New York. 73 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:42,630 Gentlemen, we are about to embark on... 74 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,169 Aw, man, you guys did it, didn't you? 75 00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:06,820 One thing I learned that summer 76 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,457 is that when love is beginning... 77 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:10,958 (moans) 78 00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,493 ...and love is ending, 79 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,263 the first 30 days are remarkably similar. 80 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:19,066 For one thing, you spend most of your time in bed. 81 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:20,534 (moans) 82 00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:23,371 (groans) 83 00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,773 Your friends can't stand to listen to you. 84 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:26,740 He's so ticklish. 85 00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:32,079 It was a really beautiful song. 86 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:36,350 So... stupid, man. (mimicking choking) 87 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,819 And you never seem to wear pants. 88 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,757 (sighs) 89 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,858 Hey, Marshall. 90 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,627 Hey, Ted. 91 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,062 You hungry? What's the point? 92 00:03:49,129 --> 00:03:50,130 I could eat some food. 93 00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:52,065 It's just going to leave me. 94 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:55,002 Well, at least in that scenario you get to do the dumping. 95 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,305 Come on, it's Sunday. 96 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,339 It's pancakes day. 97 00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,475 Lily always made the pancakes. 98 00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,577 God, I loved her pancakes. 99 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,112 So soft. 100 00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:06,914 So warm. 101 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,350 So perfectly shaped. 102 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,419 Are we still talking about her pancakes? 103 00:04:12,886 --> 00:04:14,888 Come on, you got to eat something; what can I get you? 104 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,123 Beer. 105 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:17,758 No, that's what you had for dinner. 106 00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:19,460 Fine. 107 00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,629 Then I'll just have leftovers. 108 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,365 BARNEY: So, he stays home 109 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:26,867 all the time not getting laid? 110 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:27,968 No, see, 111 00:04:28,035 --> 00:04:30,237 that's what you do when you have a fiancée. 112 00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:31,739 He should be down here celebrating. 113 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,374 He's free. 114 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:36,444 He got that redheaded tumor removed. 115 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:39,447 You should write and illustrate children's books. 116 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:40,948 You know what Marshall needs to do. 117 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,983 He needs to stop being sad. 118 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:47,788 When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. 119 00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,391 True story. 120 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,092 It's only been a month. 121 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,894 He just needs to go at his own pace. 122 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,096 Anyway, Lily's the one who caused this whole mess. 123 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:57,531 Hey, cut her some slack. 124 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,766 She's our friend, too. 125 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:00,801 She's just trying to figure out who she is. 126 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:01,769 Figure out who she is? 127 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,937 Yeah, she should call me; I got a whole list. 128 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:04,938 She's selfish. 129 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:05,939 She's immature. 130 00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,107 She's... 131 00:05:07,174 --> 00:05:08,342 What? 132 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:11,211 God, your eyes are so blue. 133 00:05:11,278 --> 00:05:14,515 Aw, Teddy Bear. 134 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,185 (mimics sword unsheathing) Oh that's a... 135 00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:21,655 (groans) 136 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,392 (coughs) 137 00:05:26,293 --> 00:05:28,862 Yeah, it was hard to feel too bad. 138 00:05:28,929 --> 00:05:30,564 I was dating the woman of my dreams, 139 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,232 and things were going great. 140 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:33,601 Well, for the most part. 141 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,603 So, I found her shampoo. 142 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,538 MARSHALL: I guess she left it here. 143 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,540 It smells like her. 144 00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:45,846 Like lavender and seashells and hope. 145 00:05:47,147 --> 00:05:48,882 Somehow, 146 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:52,420 erotic and comforting all at the same time. 147 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,723 That's my shampoo. 148 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,291 Oh, sorry. 149 00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,327 Mmm, I thought he'd never go to sleep. 150 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:01,962 (moans) 151 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,163 Uh-oh. 152 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,832 Already? 153 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,035 He's calling her. 154 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,270 I don't hear any-- He's calling her. 155 00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:12,640 No. (screams) 156 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,443 MARSHALL: Okay, you're right, I won't call her. 157 00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:18,045 I will not call her. 158 00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:20,013 Well, I called her. 159 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,483 And get this, 160 00:06:22,550 --> 00:06:23,584 she changed her number. 161 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:24,852 What, like I'm going to stalk her, 162 00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,821 or something? Like she's so special. 163 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,990 Like she's the only Lily Aldrin out there. 164 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:32,560 'Cause there are four others in the San Francisco area alone, 165 00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,662 and they all seem a lot better than her 166 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,064 based on the brief conversations I had with them. 167 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,166 Does he know I'm in here? 168 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,434 Yeah, hey, Robin. 169 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,436 Anyways, one of the Lily Aldrins said... 170 00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:43,471 This has to stop. 171 00:06:43,537 --> 00:06:45,706 Ted, we just started dating. 172 00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,374 We agreed we don't want to move too fast, 173 00:06:47,441 --> 00:06:49,109 and yet somehow, we have a baby. 174 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,343 He can't feed himself. 175 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:53,380 He cries a lot, he keeps us up all night. 176 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:54,748 Have you tried breast-feeding? 177 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,283 Nailed it! 178 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,686 Look, they were together nine years. 179 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,554 It's only been a month and a half. 180 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,590 He just needs to go at his own pace. 181 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,792 He slept on our floor last night, Ted. 182 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,627 He watched a scary movie. 183 00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:08,829 It is time for some tough love. 184 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,631 We need to get him out of that apartment. 185 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:12,199 He needs fresh air. 186 00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,366 He needs sunshine. 187 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,969 Mmm, sunshine. 188 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:19,873 ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Please welcome to the stage, Sunshine. 189 00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:26,446 All right, I really don't think this is going to help. 190 00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:29,049 Do you know why you're not over Lily yet? 191 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,151 It's 'cause you can still picture her naked. 192 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,721 You can't get over a woman until you can no longer 193 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,923 picture her boobs; it's a scientific fact. 194 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:39,493 The average male brain can only store a finite number 195 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,395 of boob images or "b-pegs". 196 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,833 And your hard drive's filled to capacity with Lily's. 197 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,936 There are a lot of them. 198 00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,638 Well, they won't go away until you overwrite them 199 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,439 with images of other women's boobs. 200 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:53,707 Now, this journey may take 201 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:56,009 as many as a million boobs, 202 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,411 so we begin here tonight, my friend. 203 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,147 Two at a time. 204 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,016 Those count as four. 205 00:08:06,787 --> 00:08:07,955 Yeah. 206 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,022 This is fun right? 207 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,024 We're outside, it's a beautiful day. 208 00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,893 The Indians are winning. 209 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:14,427 I got to admit, 210 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,629 it is really nice to be outside. 211 00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:16,930 ANNOUNCER (over speaker): Yankee fans, 212 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,632 please turn your attention to the Diamond Vision 213 00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,234 for a special seventh-inning-stretch surprise. 214 00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,403 Oh, no. 215 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,205 (crowd sighing) 216 00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,709 (applause and cheering) 217 00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,880 It's all a big lie! 218 00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:34,447 She's just going to break your heart. 219 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,884 (crowd booing) 220 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:40,287 You can drag me out of here, but she has no soul! 221 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,956 We've tried everything-- baseball, strippers. 222 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,892 The guy still won't eat a damn pancake. 223 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,894 I think he's beyond repair. 224 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,696 See, this is the problem with guys. 225 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,230 You don't know how to deal with heartbreak. 226 00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:52,800 Oh, and what's your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? 227 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,202 Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch Love Actually, 228 00:08:55,268 --> 00:08:57,104 till your periods sync up. 229 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:58,806 (Ted, Barney laughing) 230 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,912 Yeah, that's the stuff. 231 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,379 Oh, my God. 232 00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:08,248 How long have you been doing this? 233 00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:10,250 Well, my dad taught me to me shoot when I was a kid. 234 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:13,320 Whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed, I come here, 235 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,055 and it reminds me that... 236 00:09:15,122 --> 00:09:16,890 guns are fun. 237 00:09:18,826 --> 00:09:20,460 (chuckles lightly) 238 00:09:20,527 --> 00:09:23,496 Um, you know, Ted is kind of against guns. 239 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:24,732 And that's why 240 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,299 Ted's never going to find out about this. 241 00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,069 Whoa, that sounded kind of scary 242 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,604 with me holding a gun, didn't it? 243 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,805 No, I-I just mean, 244 00:09:31,872 --> 00:09:33,306 please don't tell Ted. 245 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,507 You want to try? 246 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,977 Only hell yeah. 247 00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:40,113 Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what I needed. 248 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,250 I felt so powerless this whole time, 249 00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,052 but this... (laughs) 250 00:09:45,118 --> 00:09:46,386 this is power. 251 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,789 This is... (gasps) 252 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,525 I should have mentioned the recoil. 253 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,061 I got to hand it to you, when he got home, 254 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,730 Marshall was smiling-- did you sleep with him? 255 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,531 'Cause I was actually, like, three days away 256 00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,767 from suggesting that. 257 00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,401 Sometimes, all you need is to get in touch 258 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:02,369 with your feminine side. 259 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,505 (laughing) 260 00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,708 Yeah, yeah! 261 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,076 Well, congratulations. 262 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:10,844 You're the first person to cheer him up all summer. 263 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,680 You win. Oh, what do I win? 264 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:13,881 I'll tell you what you win: 265 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,415 I'm taking you away this weekend. 266 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,416 You are? Mmm. 267 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,584 That's so nice. 268 00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:18,919 Yeah, my aunt and uncle have a beach house 269 00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,788 out in Montauk, oh, it's really romantic. 270 00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,923 My uncle's had like three affairs there. 271 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,792 Wow, must be a nice house, 272 00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,626 I've seen pictures of your uncle. 273 00:10:26,694 --> 00:10:29,062 This is going to be so great. 274 00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,964 We'll finally get some time alone. 275 00:10:31,031 --> 00:10:33,667 Are you sure Marshall's going to be okay with this? 276 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,035 Yeah, absolutely. 277 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,137 Dude, I'm doing much better. Oh. 278 00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:38,672 In fact, take my car. 279 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:39,707 Really? Yeah. 280 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,374 Hey, thanks... and, hey, 281 00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,576 if you need anything day or night, just call me-- 282 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,179 You know what, please don't call me. 283 00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,048 What? What's wrong? 284 00:10:48,115 --> 00:10:50,517 It's, uh, Lily's credit card bill. 285 00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:51,719 She must have forgotten 286 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:52,986 to switch her address. 287 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,154 So? 288 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,123 So, I wonder what kind of charges she's making 289 00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:57,590 out there in San Francisco. No. 290 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,326 No, no good can come from looking at this. 291 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:00,794 You've made too much progress already. 292 00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,996 I know but I just, maybe the-- No! 293 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,365 You're going to thank me for this. 294 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:10,871 You're a good friend, Ted. 295 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,274 August 5th, one charge-- tickets. 296 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:18,278 To what? George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars. 297 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,481 August 10th, one charge: Tennis Emporium. 298 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:24,217 August 18th, two charges: 299 00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:28,889 Mario's Bistro and, get this, Pet Palace. 300 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,892 You guys see what this means, right? 301 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,964 Wow, Mario's Bistro. 302 00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,833 What a perfect place to whore around. 303 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,569 Only the best for my little Lily pad. 304 00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:45,172 Oh, funk legend George Clinton, 305 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:47,908 I am so glad you spotted me at your concert 306 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:52,145 and dragged me onstage to dance with you Courtney Cox-style. 307 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:54,314 And I'm so glad you agreed to play tennis with me. 308 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,515 Aw. 309 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,884 You know, Marshall tried to get me 310 00:11:56,950 --> 00:11:58,919 to play tennis for nine years, 311 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:03,490 but I didn't do it, because I never truly loved him. 312 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,058 I got you a gift. 313 00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,326 Oh. 314 00:12:07,427 --> 00:12:08,929 A ferret. 315 00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:12,766 Oh, I'll buy it some food next door at the Pet Palace. 316 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,168 Oh, I've always wanted one, 317 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,338 but Marshall had this secret phobia of ferrets. 318 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,274 I bet that's something he made you promise not to tell nobody. 319 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:23,476 (laughing): It was. 320 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:24,912 Oh. 321 00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,547 I love you, funk legend George Clinton. 322 00:12:27,614 --> 00:12:29,749 I love you, too, Lily. 323 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,418 That's right, Marshall, she's all mine. 324 00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,720 Now I'm gonna let her play with my hair. 325 00:12:33,787 --> 00:12:35,722 * Ow, we want the funk * 326 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:38,258 * Give up the funk... * 327 00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:39,592 That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. 328 00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,261 Yeah, why are you afraid of ferrets? 329 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,495 They're adorable. 330 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:45,398 Because, Robin, they're like fuzzy, tube-shaped rats. 331 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,101 Plus, those charges are from, like, a month ago. 332 00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,302 Exactly. For new charges, 333 00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:50,971 you have to go to her online account. 334 00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:55,242 You can see credit card activity from, like, two hours ago. 335 00:12:56,076 --> 00:12:59,012 But, you know, don't. 336 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,681 Why do you talk? 337 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,783 Why do you talk?! 338 00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:04,952 BARNEY: He needs her password. 339 00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,186 It's not like he has her password. 340 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,421 Ooh, this is good, he has her password. 341 00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,690 There's a charge from earlier today: 342 00:13:10,757 --> 00:13:12,792 the Kellett Hotel on 5th. 343 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:14,928 I don't believe this. 344 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,064 Lily's back in New York. 345 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:22,870 I can't believe this. 346 00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:24,504 Lily's in New York? 347 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,906 I-I guess I've been thinking 348 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,340 when she got back, she'd call me. 349 00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,409 That's really the only reason 350 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,644 I've been able to hold it together so far this summer. 351 00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:34,014 This has been "holding it together"? 352 00:13:34,081 --> 00:13:36,049 Okay, you know what? I'm calling her. 353 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:37,350 No. Ted, give me the phone. 354 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:38,718 You're not calling her, this changes nothing. 355 00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:41,388 You, come here. 356 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,156 Look, while we're away this weekend, can you keep 357 00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,158 an eye on him, make sure he doesn't call that hotel? 358 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,626 You want me to babysit him? 359 00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:48,161 (laughs) 20 bucks. 360 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,496 An hour. 361 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,430 And money for pizza. 362 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,199 Uh, yeah, how about you do it for free 363 00:13:52,265 --> 00:13:54,334 or every time we hang out, you have to watch this? 364 00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,802 Come here. Ooh. 365 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:59,072 My little blue-eyed baby, baby lips. Ooh, ooh, sugar, sugar... 366 00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:00,373 Okay, I'll do it! 367 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,541 Stop being a couple. 368 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,544 Marshall. Marshall, Marshall! 369 00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,313 Ted, I know I shouldn't do this, but I have to! You call her 370 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,881 We were together for nine years! and everything we've been working so hard for 371 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,782 is completely flushed down the toi... 372 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,284 Hello, Lily Aldrin's room, please. 373 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,987 Thank you. Hang up now. 374 00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,722 Ted, I can't hang up now. Hang up now. 375 00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,490 The missiles are in the air, and I know that you don't approve. 376 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:18,858 Hang up. Hello. 377 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,233 Uh, a guy answered. 378 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,069 There's-there's a guy in her room. 379 00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:31,871 I'm going down there. 380 00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:32,940 BARNEY: Dude, you can't do that. 381 00:14:33,006 --> 00:14:34,507 I have to go down there, and I have 382 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,476 to tell her I love her; I have to beg her to take me back, 383 00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,311 even if I have to get down on my knees. 384 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,947 Marshall, you can't do that. Oh, really, why not? 385 00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,614 TED: 56 days. 386 00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:44,551 That's how long it took me to get right about here. 387 00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:46,219 Because you're pathetic! 388 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:50,924 I'm sorry, but right now, you are not Marshall. 389 00:14:50,991 --> 00:14:52,159 You are the miserable, 390 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:55,996 whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall, 391 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,364 and frankly, a guy like you 392 00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,366 doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. 393 00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,001 You know who might have a shot 394 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,802 somewhere down the line? 395 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:03,803 Marshall. 396 00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:05,405 The real Marshall. 397 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,774 But if you go down there right now like this, you're going 398 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:10,077 to blow it for him, and he's never going to forgive you. 399 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,179 Of course, whatever I say, 400 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,713 you're just going to do the opposite, 401 00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:14,747 so have a great weekend. 402 00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:15,915 Good luck screwing up your life. 403 00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,550 Come on, Robin. 404 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:19,619 (clears throat) 405 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,656 Is it still okay if we borrow the car? 406 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:28,395 Bold. Bold to go for the car. 407 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:32,865 What? 408 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:35,135 I didn't say a thing. 409 00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:36,903 You think I was too hard on him. 410 00:15:36,970 --> 00:15:38,438 I didn't say a thing. (scoffs) 411 00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:40,507 I can't believe you're accusing me of being too hard on him. 412 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,242 You're the one who said "tough love." 413 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:44,677 Yeah, tough love, not "hand the guy a noose." 414 00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,713 Oh, but it's okay to hand him a nine millimeter? 415 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,649 Yeah, he told me. 416 00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,486 So you're a gun nut? 417 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:57,090 No, I'm a gun enthusiast. Do you know how many people 418 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,391 are killed each year The Second Amendment 419 00:15:58,458 --> 00:15:59,326 protects my right to bear arms... in accidents... 420 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,194 All right, all right, all right. 421 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,463 I was too hard on him. 422 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:05,432 A little. 423 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,633 (laughs softly) 424 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:10,637 I'm going to call Barney, see how they're doing. 425 00:16:10,703 --> 00:16:12,205 (phone rings) Go for Barney. 426 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,306 Oh, hey, where are you guys? 427 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,807 We're at a fundraiser, 428 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:17,044 helping young women raise money for community college. 429 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,078 Strip club, nice. 430 00:16:18,145 --> 00:16:20,113 Is Marshall okay? (laughs) 431 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,614 Yeah, he's here and he's great. 432 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:22,615 Uh, hang on. Marshall? 433 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,351 Tell Ted that-- 434 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:25,985 Uh-oh. 435 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,488 Already? 436 00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:29,756 What? What uh-oh? 437 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:30,923 He's gone. 438 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:31,958 You lost him? 439 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,126 I can't believe this. 440 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:34,294 He's going to go down to that hotel. 441 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:35,662 Crap, you're right. 442 00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,064 Okay, okay, here's the plan, here's the plan. 443 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:38,531 You go down to the hotel and find him. 444 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:39,932 I'll stay here and get a lap dance. 445 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:40,867 On three. One, two... 446 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,069 Barney! 447 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,642 Was there a hot tub at your uncle's place? 448 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:52,179 A really nice one. 449 00:16:55,448 --> 00:16:58,351 Hi, uh, could you tell me what room Lily Aldrin's in? 450 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:01,554 Marshall. 451 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,490 (chuckling): Hey. 452 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:05,992 What happened? 453 00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:08,761 Well, I went up to Lily's floor, 454 00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:11,364 and I had this little speech in my head-- 455 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,266 everything I've been wanting to say to her all summer 456 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,003 about love, loyalty, respect. 457 00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:20,240 I knocked on the door. 458 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:27,480 So you knocked out Lily's new boyfriend? 459 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,415 Yeah. 460 00:17:28,481 --> 00:17:29,849 It wasn't Lily's boyfriend. 461 00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,551 What? Who-- who was it? 462 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,354 TED: His name was Joey Adalian, although he went by a number 463 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:37,157 of aliases in his years as an identity thief. 464 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,791 Apparently, earlier in the summer... 465 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,562 LILY: Oh, this is so embarrassing. 466 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,964 I-I could have sworn I had some change. 467 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:46,899 I know, I know. 468 00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,067 I'm sorry. 469 00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,903 Oh, here we go. 470 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,539 No, that's-that's a button. 471 00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,441 It was a button. 472 00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:59,078 Do you, uh, take credit cards? 473 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:01,047 Yes, I do. 474 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,216 So Lily's not back in town, 475 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,284 and she doesn't have a boyfriend? 476 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:05,685 Th-That's good news, right? 477 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,554 Yeah. 478 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,989 I don't know. 479 00:18:10,056 --> 00:18:11,291 Those credit card charges 480 00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,560 were the only remaining connection I had to her. 481 00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:17,897 I don't know where she is or what she's doing. 482 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:22,302 She was my whole life, man, and now she's-she's gone. 483 00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:29,609 You know, first day of college, I showed up, 484 00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:30,810 I was so freaked out, 485 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:35,815 and-and I got up to my room, and there was my roommate, 486 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,151 lying on the bed with his feet up on the wall. 487 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,853 Had headphones on, big smile on his face 488 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:42,355 like he just didn't give a crap. 489 00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:44,624 Happy. 490 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,726 Confident. Not afraid of anything. 491 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,230 That guy was you. 492 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,864 You before you met Lily. 493 00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,668 Ted? 494 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:56,769 Yeah? 495 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,738 I was high that day. 496 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,173 I was. 497 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,509 I was so high, I thought you were the dean. 498 00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,246 Wh-What I'm saying is 499 00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:08,948 there's a version of you without Lily, 500 00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:11,518 and it's not this. 501 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,487 You can't let Lily steal your identity 502 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:17,257 the way that guy stole hers. 503 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:20,793 Okay. 504 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:24,597 Okay, resolved. 505 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,200 Starting tomorrow, I'm going to start being okay. 506 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,701 (chuckles) 507 00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:29,902 Cheers. Cheers. 508 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,907 * * 509 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:38,411 But he wasn't, 510 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,647 'cause that's not how life works. 511 00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:43,416 The next day, he found one of her socks or something, 512 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,818 and we were back to square one. 513 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,556 And then, one morning... 514 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:53,125 Ted, I think you should see this. 515 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,294 Oh, no, what now? 516 00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:59,366 Marshall, what are you doing? 517 00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,733 It's Sunday. 518 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,802 It's pancakes day. 519 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:09,342 It took him 67 days 520 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:13,546 and one really disgusting batch of pancakes... 521 00:20:16,883 --> 00:20:17,984 So good. 522 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,687 Mmm. So good. 523 00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:23,590 ...but Marshall had come back from the dead. 524 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:26,559 Because while baseball, strippers, and guns can help, 525 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:30,129 the only thing that can really heal a broken heart is time. 526 00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:33,165 * I try to laugh about it * 527 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:37,604 * Cover it all up with lies * 528 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:41,374 * I try to laugh about it * 529 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,344 * Hiding the tears from my eyes * 530 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:51,318 * 'Cause boys don't cry. *