1 00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,384 Her favorite CD in the Otis Redding box set? 2 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:17,351 Disc three. 3 00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:19,520 My favorite? Any guesses? 4 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:20,821 Anyone? Come on. 5 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,423 Disc three! 6 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,292 God, Victoria's so amazing! 7 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,926 I could talk about her for hours. 8 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,661 What do you mean "could"? 9 00:00:27,728 --> 00:00:30,198 I'm sorry, it's just... God, I... 10 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:32,066 I'm crazy about this girl. 11 00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:33,267 It feels like maybe... 12 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:35,136 I don't want to say it. 13 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,138 Trust that impulse, Ted. 14 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,906 ROBIN: Hey. 15 00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,142 Something kind of cool just happened. 16 00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:43,311 My story on Pickles, the Singing Dog, 17 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:46,114 just got nominated for a Local Area Media Award. 18 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,916 A... LAME-A? 19 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,018 We prefer Local Area Media Award. 20 00:00:51,085 --> 00:00:52,586 Um... 21 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,188 there's going to be this big banquet. 22 00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,556 I know these things aren't much fun, 23 00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,791 but it would really mean a lot to me if you guys came. 24 00:00:59,927 --> 00:01:00,894 And there's an open bar. 25 00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:02,863 Oh! Yes! Word up! 26 00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:04,064 Yeah, put me down for two. 27 00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:05,666 Really? It's three months away. 28 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,101 I know, but... 29 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,503 guys, I'm sorry, I'm going to say it. 30 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,872 I have a feeling Victoria's going to be around 31 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,307 for a long time. 32 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:16,110 I'm going to miss Victoria. 33 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,346 I should just skip this thing entirely. 34 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,482 Robin's still pissed at me after... you know. 35 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,751 You lied and said you were broken up with Victoria 36 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:26,120 before you actually were so you could try to nail Robin 37 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,722 and you wound up losing both girls in one night? 38 00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:31,359 Yes, that's what I meant by "you know." 39 00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,195 I haven't seen her in three weeks. 40 00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,429 She won't return my calls. 41 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,897 Look, I shouldn't go. 42 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,399 You should definitely go. 43 00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:40,334 Look, it's a chance to show her you're still friends 44 00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,469 and that you support her. 45 00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,271 Or it's a chance to mess with her head 46 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,705 by showing up with someone hotter. 47 00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:48,209 Even better, triple threat-- hotter and bigger boobs. 48 00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,611 That's only two. Count again. 49 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,580 Barney, I'm not bringing a date. 50 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,782 Even if I wanted to, the thing's in two hours. 51 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,083 So get an escort. 52 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,985 By "escort," you mean prostitute? 53 00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,187 Why not? 54 00:01:59,253 --> 00:02:01,589 Because... gross? 55 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:02,990 Oh, gross. 56 00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:04,692 What, you have some puritanical hang-up 57 00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:05,826 about prostitution? 58 00:02:05,893 --> 00:02:09,230 Dude, it's the world's oldest profession. 59 00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:10,664 You really think that's true? 60 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:11,765 Oh, yeah. 61 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:14,368 I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers, 62 00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,504 like, an extra fish for putting out. 63 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,039 Aha, so then the oldest profession would be fishermen. 64 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:21,842 Kaboom! You've been lawyered. 65 00:02:23,544 --> 00:02:26,013 Come on, Ted, let's get you a hooker. It'll be fun. 66 00:02:26,079 --> 00:02:29,250 Okay, to bring to the banquet and hang out with ironically 67 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,718 or to actually have sex with? 68 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,920 Yes. 69 00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,756 No! It's illegal. 70 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,325 And did I mention gross? 71 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:39,693 That's adorable. Ted, you're such a hayseed. 72 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,162 The companionship business 73 00:02:42,230 --> 00:02:44,798 is the growth industry of the 21st century. 74 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:47,235 You do realize that one out of every eight 75 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,503 adult women in America is a prostitute. 76 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,804 You just made that up. Withdrawn. 77 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:53,441 Lawyered. 78 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,344 The point is, how long has it been? 79 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,248 57 days. 80 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,082 Is that your water? May I? 81 00:03:02,149 --> 00:03:03,651 Yeah, go ahead. Much obliged. 82 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,720 57 days?! 83 00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:09,323 Ted, you are in a slump. 84 00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,858 No, it's not a slump. 85 00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:13,261 It's an intentional hiatus from girls. 86 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,595 A slump is when you strike out 87 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,364 every time you step up to the plate. 88 00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,266 But I'm off the roster, baby. 89 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,634 I'm in the locker room sitting in the whirlpool. 90 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,836 And I'll tell you something, it feels pretty good. 91 00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:25,072 Yeah, you know what else is in that locker room? 92 00:03:25,138 --> 00:03:28,642 A naked dudes hanging brain. 93 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,643 Ted, you need 94 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,144 a lady. 95 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,347 And I've got the next best thing-- Mary. 96 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,915 She lives in my building. 97 00:03:34,982 --> 00:03:37,285 She's smart, she's hot, she's totally cool. 98 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,652 Oh, she sounds great. 99 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:39,787 And who knows? 100 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,389 Maybe we'll wind up getting married someday. 101 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:44,191 You know, if we can get a blessing from her pimp. 102 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:46,694 You want to judge a fellow human being 103 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:49,430 based solely on one external characteristic? 104 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:50,764 That's racism. 105 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,767 And I do not drink with racists. 106 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,403 Good day. 107 00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,141 You're just waiting for me to speak, so you can... 108 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,976 I said good day! 109 00:04:05,212 --> 00:04:07,247 So should I wear my hair up or down? 110 00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:10,984 Lily. 111 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:12,119 What? 112 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:12,986 You okay? 113 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:15,456 Oh, yeah, sorry. 114 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,625 I'm just exhausted from work. 115 00:04:17,691 --> 00:04:19,927 The stupid school board took away nap time 116 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:21,462 in all kindergarten classes 117 00:04:21,529 --> 00:04:24,798 and now the kids are just going crazy by the end of the day. 118 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,401 It's much harder to deal with because, 119 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,437 well, I don't get my nap. 120 00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:31,705 Wait, you were taking naps when the kids were? 121 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,240 Is that safe? 122 00:04:33,307 --> 00:04:35,976 Well, they're only five. What are they gonna do to me? 123 00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:40,581 Ted's still coming to this thing, right? 124 00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:41,449 Yep. 125 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,317 Do you think, um... 126 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,418 hypothetically... 127 00:04:44,485 --> 00:04:46,253 it would be weird if I bring a date? 128 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,557 Look at you, Scherbotsky, 129 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,592 blatantly trying to make Ted jealous. 130 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,362 No, it's just this guy at the station. 131 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:55,629 I never get involved with co-workers, 132 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:57,531 but he asked me and I said yes. 133 00:04:57,598 --> 00:04:58,966 Is it going to be weird? 134 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,969 No, it's not going to be weird at all. 135 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,504 Robin's bringing a date. 136 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,639 Oy. That's going to be really weird. 137 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,940 I know. 138 00:05:09,410 --> 00:05:10,611 Robin's bringing a date. 139 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:11,979 Oh. 140 00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,280 Okay. That's not weird. 141 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:15,816 She's bringing a date. I'm glad she's moving on. 142 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,518 Dude, it's going to be weird. 143 00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:18,952 No, it's fine. 144 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,121 Look, in spite of whatever happened between us, 145 00:05:21,188 --> 00:05:22,423 Robin and I are still friends. 146 00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:23,591 I don't think it'll be weird. 147 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,626 Yeah, it won't be weird. Thank you. 148 00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:27,294 Because you're going to bring your own date. 149 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,129 Hello, Barney. 150 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:30,398 Hi, Mary. 151 00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,501 Have you met Ted? 152 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:42,109 Nice to meet you, Ted. 153 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:43,310 Hi, Mary. 154 00:05:43,377 --> 00:05:44,578 Wow. 155 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,313 It's, uh, nice to meet you, too. 156 00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,615 So we're going to an award show? 157 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,683 Uh, yeah, will you just excuse us for one minute? 158 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:50,551 Barney. 159 00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:51,719 See you in two shakes, Mare. 160 00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:52,953 You two make yourselves comfortable. 161 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,657 What the hell? 162 00:05:56,724 --> 00:05:59,527 Dude, your narrow-minded views on professional fornicators 163 00:05:59,593 --> 00:06:01,161 were harshing my mellow. 164 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:02,996 So I got you a date for the evening. 165 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,865 You got me a hooker. 166 00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,900 A really hot hook-- 167 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,168 A hooker! 168 00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,337 Think about it, this is perfect. 169 00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,906 A-- it will make Robin insanely jealous... 170 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:16,343 B-- you get to have sex with her... 171 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,145 and C-- maybe by getting to know Mary, 172 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,313 you'll come to see that courtesans are people, too. 173 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:24,818 And D-- "B" all night long. 174 00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,555 I'm not taking a prostitute to Robin's banquet. 175 00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,957 The only people who will know are you, me and Marshall. 176 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,092 No one will suspect a thing. They'll just see you 177 00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:34,795 with this unbelievably smoking hot girl and... 178 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:37,465 Okay, that's a little bit suspicious. 179 00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,800 Look, I'm just trying 180 00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,835 to expand your horizons a little bit tonight. 181 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:44,438 But if you're not interested, fine, I'm out 500 bucks. 182 00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,540 Whatever. 500 bucks? 183 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,542 Ted, you're my cabron. 184 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:49,810 You think I'm gonna stick you 185 00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,312 with some toothless tranny from the Port Authority? 186 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:55,348 Look at how hot she is. 187 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,950 Robin would be so jealous. 188 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,820 I'm not trying to make Robin jealous, Barney. 189 00:06:59,887 --> 00:07:02,289 Look, I... tell Mary, thanks, but no thanks. 190 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,758 I have a soul. 191 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,595 TED: And then your Uncle Marhsall and I had one of our famous 192 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:09,563 telepathic conversations. 193 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:11,364 MARSHALL: Check out Robin's date. 194 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:12,500 TED: I know. 195 00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:13,967 Is that who I think it is? 196 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,102 Yep. 197 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,170 It's Sandy Rivers. 198 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:20,040 TED: Sandy Rivers was the face of Metro News One, 199 00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:23,143 the most low-budget cable news network ever. 200 00:07:23,210 --> 00:07:25,245 Sandy time. Sandy time! 201 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,380 He was best known for his morning segment 202 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,082 "In Today's Paper," 203 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:32,219 during which he literally flipped through today's papers, 204 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,821 reading them aloud to viewers. 205 00:07:33,887 --> 00:07:37,591 Here we have, on the front page, a story about a... 206 00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:39,627 I guess, a guy in a superhero costume 207 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,395 climbing the Empire State Building. 208 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:43,731 Looks interesting. 209 00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,935 These idiotic filler pieces were a guilty pleasure of ours. 210 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,838 Which Sandy do we want today? 211 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:53,173 French Sandy, porn star Sandy...? 212 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,975 Yosemite Sandy, definitely. 213 00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,209 Excellent choice. 214 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:05,953 ( laughing ) 215 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:08,889 I love this guy. 216 00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,692 I hate this guy. 217 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:15,195 Hey. 218 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,930 Hi. I'm Lily. Hi. 219 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,566 Hi. Mary. It's nice to meet you. 220 00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,167 Mary is a friend of Barney's. 221 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,302 Barney invited her. Just met Mary ourselves. 222 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:23,503 Don't know too much about Mary. 223 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:24,872 Look, a beer. 224 00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,141 Hey. 225 00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:29,543 Hi. 226 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:31,579 You look nice. Oh, um, Ted, this is Sandy. 227 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:33,246 Hi. Sandy Rivers. 228 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,481 Use my full name. 229 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,149 People get a kick out of it. 230 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,517 Hi, Sandy. 231 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,352 Rivers. 232 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,321 So are you two, uh... 233 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,723 Starting a bunch of office rumors? 234 00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:46,159 Looks that way. Looks that way. 235 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:48,562 Oh, how rude of me. 236 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:52,700 Uh, Robin, Sandy... Rivers... 237 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,368 this is Mary, my date. 238 00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,804 Hi. 239 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:07,615 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 45th annual 240 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:08,949 Local Area Media Awards. 241 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,951 Please say hello to our host for the evening, 242 00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,320 king of the Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie, 243 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,388 Vampire Lou! 244 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,825 ( applause ) 245 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:23,096 Tonight we celebrate the very best in broadcasting 246 00:09:23,163 --> 00:09:27,000 and the triumph of the human spirit. 247 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:27,935 Man, 248 00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:31,138 Vampire Lou just looks great. 249 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,674 I can't believe I'm on a date with a hooker. 250 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:35,809 Yeah, I can't believe you let her and Lily 251 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,745 go to the ladies' room together, man. 252 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,379 Secrets come out in there. 253 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,814 Oh, please. How's it's going to come out? 254 00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:43,483 "Uh, pass me a towel. P.S., I have sex for money." 255 00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:44,918 Who has sex for money? 256 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,119 Nobody. 257 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,254 What did you guys talk about in there? 258 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,321 Anything interesting? 259 00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:50,223 No, not really. 260 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,326 We just chitchatted and I borrowed her lipstick. 261 00:09:55,495 --> 00:09:57,831 Why is Vampire Lou the host 262 00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,567 of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? 263 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,602 You know, it just makes no sense. 264 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,371 God, that pisses me off. 265 00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,939 Lily, you okay? 266 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,775 Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. 267 00:10:07,841 --> 00:10:09,877 And when I get tired, I get cranky. 268 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,745 Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky. 269 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:14,815 "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky." 270 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,384 MARY: Wow. 271 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,686 Why are you so tired? 272 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:20,721 Well, I teach kindergarten 273 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,656 and the school board took away my nap time, 274 00:10:22,723 --> 00:10:24,658 the kids' nap time. 275 00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,827 Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. 276 00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,461 You won't have to deal with the school board, 277 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,197 and you'll make a ton more money. 278 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,231 Well, guess what, Barney? 279 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,100 I don't base all my life decisions 280 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,768 on how much money I'm going to make, 281 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,970 unlike you and, sadly, my fiancé. 282 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:39,106 Well, it's just an internship, for the record. 283 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:42,810 Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, 284 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,511 what would that make me? 285 00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,079 A prostitute. 286 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,149 Exactly. Thank you, Mary. 287 00:10:49,216 --> 00:10:51,184 So, Mary, what do you do for a living? 288 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,886 She's a paralegal. 289 00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:57,324 Yes, I'm a paralegal. 290 00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,760 So, Mary the paralegal. 291 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,195 What does a paralegal do exactly? 292 00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:05,565 I just assist with day-to-day clerical work 293 00:11:05,632 --> 00:11:07,534 in a law firm downtown. 294 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,936 Oh, what firm? 295 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,504 Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp. 296 00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,006 That's a real law firm. 297 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,141 I know. 298 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:16,109 Nice. 299 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,345 You're pretty good on your feet. 300 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,280 Are you flirting with me? 301 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,648 Is that allowed? 302 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,251 Yes, it's encouraged. 303 00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:26,887 You know, I wouldn't normally say this on a first date, 304 00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,689 but... well, considering... 305 00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,224 I'm just going to say it. 306 00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,293 You are so hot! 307 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,862 Well, thank you. 308 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:36,463 You're welcome. 309 00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,198 Mary, Ted is a great guy. 310 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:39,399 You hold on to him. 311 00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:42,202 Don't let him out of your sight for a minute. 312 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,572 So, Sandy, what do you do? 313 00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,040 Oh, wait, I know what you do. 314 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:49,509 You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning. 315 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,378 You got me. 316 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,579 What do you do, Ted? 317 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,048 Oh, same thing as you-- I read the paper every morning. 318 00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:57,184 But then after that, I finish my coffee 319 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,252 and I go to my real job as an architect 320 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:01,188 where I make an actual contribution to the world. 321 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,722 ( chuckles ): I'm just kidding. 322 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:04,057 Love your show. You're terrific. 323 00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,392 Thanks. 324 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:07,961 I never tire of hearing that. 325 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,599 Hey, you know that scene in Empire 326 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,335 where they lower the helmet onto Darth Vader's head? 327 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:19,472 Do you think that's how Sandy puts his hair on in the morning? 328 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:22,075 You just insulted someone I hate 329 00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,444 by referencing something I love. 330 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,914 Damn, you just got even hotter. 331 00:12:29,516 --> 00:12:33,053 And so, as the night wore on, I started to realize, 332 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,323 this girl, despite what she did for a living, 333 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,959 was kind of great. 334 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,030 Hey. 335 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:43,931 Hey. 336 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,665 Mary seems nice. 337 00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,400 Have you kissed her yet, or are you waiting 338 00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,970 until you're in a serious relationship with someone else? 339 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,438 ( sighs ) 340 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,406 I, uh... I wanted to apologize for everything that happened. 341 00:12:53,473 --> 00:12:55,242 And just like that, it's all okay. 342 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,443 Roll credits. 343 00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,078 So you're going to be mad at me forever? 344 00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,279 What, we're not even friends now? 345 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:01,481 We're still friends. Are we? 346 00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,450 You don't return my calls, we never hang out 347 00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,018 and now you're trying to make my jealous 348 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,920 by waving Edward R. Moron in my face? 349 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:10,858 Oh, and Paralegally Blonde isn't here in her low-cut dress to make me jealous? 350 00:13:10,924 --> 00:13:13,560 Oh, so now she's a whore? 351 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,328 What? 352 00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,096 You know something? 353 00:13:16,163 --> 00:13:17,730 Mary the paralegal is awesome. 354 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,032 And you know what else? 355 00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,934 I didn't come here tonight to make you jealous, 356 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:22,903 I came here to support you as a friend. 357 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,272 And frankly, I'm sick of trying. 358 00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:30,043 I like that guy. 359 00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,083 Hey. Hey. 360 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,717 What were you guys talking about over there? 361 00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,287 Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend 362 00:13:40,353 --> 00:13:41,654 that I think you're awesome. 363 00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,324 Well, thanks. 364 00:13:44,391 --> 00:13:46,659 You know, this is one of the nicer hotels 365 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,095 I've ever been in. 366 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,396 Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. 367 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,664 You should see the rooms. The views are amazing. 368 00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:54,434 Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room. 369 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,336 Room 1506. My treat. 370 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,971 You kids go nuts. 371 00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,572 Actually, don't use the mini-bar. 372 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:12,920 Do it. 373 00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:14,087 Come on, Ted, do it. 374 00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:15,588 This is one of those things you have to do 375 00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:16,623 before you turn 30. 376 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,657 Sleep with a prostitute? 377 00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,192 No, lose your virginity. 378 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,427 What up. 379 00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:23,330 Statistic-- men who have had at least one relationship 380 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,764 with a prostitute 381 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:26,199 are 75% more likely 382 00:14:26,266 --> 00:14:27,767 to have success in future relationships. 383 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,036 You just made that up. 384 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,904 Withdrawn. Lawyered. 385 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:32,272 Okay, three things. 386 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:33,941 First of all, Robin's category's almost up. 387 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,675 And second of all, you cannot do this. 388 00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:36,876 It's wrong on every level. 389 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,478 And third, 390 00:14:38,545 --> 00:14:40,547 I've been placing small items in Sandy's hair all night. 391 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,848 He still hasn't noticed. 392 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,050 I know I can't do this. 393 00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,117 I'm not doing this. 394 00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,385 It's just... it's a shame. 395 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:46,486 She's really cool. 396 00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,255 Yeah, well... there we go. 397 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:50,590 VAMPIRE LOU: Scooter "Bam-Bam" Branson for A Bicycle-- 398 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,525 Joyride or Deathtrap? 399 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:53,826 Mike Murphy 400 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,429 for 13, Pregnant and Addicted. 401 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:57,830 And Robin Scherbotsky 402 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:01,368 for Pickles, the Singing Dog. 403 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:02,535 And the winner is... 404 00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,804 Robin Scherbotsky. 405 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,539 ( applause ) 406 00:15:09,977 --> 00:15:11,611 Thanks. 407 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,949 Oh, wow. 408 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,350 This is really a surprise. 409 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,520 Um, you know it's nice to be able to share this award 410 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:21,721 with my friends. 411 00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:22,922 They're all here tonight. 412 00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:26,193 Marshall, Lily, Sandy Rivers... 413 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,662 Barney... 414 00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,864 And that's it. 415 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,400 Those are all my friends. 416 00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,535 Thank you. 417 00:15:42,009 --> 00:15:42,909 Congratulations. 418 00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:45,778 Oh, thanks. 419 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:47,880 Um, Sandy, do you want to get a cab? 420 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,282 Sure. Let's go. 421 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:51,418 Yeah, this party's dead. 422 00:15:51,484 --> 00:15:53,053 Mary, you want to go upstairs? 423 00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,024 We, uh, got a room. 424 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:01,061 MARSHALL ( voice echoing ): Dude, what are you doing? 425 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:02,429 TED: What's it look like? 426 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:03,863 MARSHALL: It looks bad, is what it looks like. 427 00:16:03,930 --> 00:16:05,398 You cannot do this. 428 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,301 Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. 429 00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,937 Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous. 430 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:13,640 MARSHALL: Oh, that's real mature. 431 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,043 LILY: Marshall, what is up with you and Ted? 432 00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:18,311 MARSHALL: Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. 433 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,713 Fine. Do what you want. 434 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,649 Hey. 435 00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:23,983 Should we go? 436 00:16:24,051 --> 00:16:25,252 Yeah. 437 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,987 Thanks. 438 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,689 Well... 439 00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:30,890 Good night. 440 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,492 Good night. 441 00:16:48,075 --> 00:16:49,642 So, did you and Barney ever...? 442 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,478 There's not enough money in the world. 443 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,446 Oh, thank God. 444 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,547 Whew. 445 00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:56,083 ( chuckles ) 446 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,885 Wow, so they're...? 447 00:16:58,951 --> 00:16:59,986 Uh-huh. 448 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:03,123 Robin, where's Sandy Rivers? 449 00:17:03,190 --> 00:17:04,691 I put him in a cab. 450 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,259 So you and he aren't...? 451 00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:08,161 I don't date people I work with. 452 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,530 I was just trying to make Ted jealous. 453 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:11,664 Is he...? 454 00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,300 He's off trying to make you jealous. 455 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,536 Oh, well, good for them. 456 00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:20,407 And, you know, if Ted likes her, she's probably pretty cool. 457 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:22,875 MARSHALL: Lily, I know you're asleep, 458 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,411 but I have to tell someone this, 459 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,778 and we tell each other everything. 460 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,348 So, here it goes. 461 00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,982 Mary's not a paralegal. 462 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,818 She's a prostitute. 463 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,886 Mary's a prostitute? 464 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:34,987 What?! 465 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,523 Barney paid for her. 466 00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,159 Is that true? 467 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,960 We were having a conversation 468 00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:42,295 about prostitution, 469 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,796 and then Barney calls her up 470 00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,332 and then she shows up at the bar 471 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,134 and now she and Ted are upstairs. 472 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,469 Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? 473 00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,938 Is he having a nervous breakdown? 474 00:17:52,004 --> 00:17:56,376 You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, 475 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,545 but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle. 476 00:17:59,979 --> 00:18:04,317 Oh, my God, I used her lipstick! Ah! 477 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,785 That's her napkin. 478 00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,388 ( yelps ): No! 479 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,557 Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. 480 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,192 In keeping with tonight's 481 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,194 award show motif, I'd like to announce 482 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:17,530 this evening's big twist ending! 483 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,066 Ah. 484 00:18:20,133 --> 00:18:22,469 Vampire Lou, would you do the honors? 485 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:27,106 "Mary's not really a prostitute." 486 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,341 What? 487 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,343 That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done. 488 00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,711 So she's not...? No. 489 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:33,780 Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. 490 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:36,249 Oh-- ha-ha! And here's the best part-- 491 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,318 she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker. 492 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:41,454 ( cackling ) 493 00:18:41,521 --> 00:18:42,489 Oh, come on. 494 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,158 If you don't laugh, it just seems mean. 495 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,395 ( chuckles weakly ) 496 00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:58,004 I feel kind of like Richard Gere. 497 00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,373 Not shy about your looks, are you? 498 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:01,874 No. 499 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:07,113 You know, Mary, I've never done this before. 500 00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:08,348 Done what? 501 00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:13,620 You know, been... on a "date." 502 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:15,355 Yeah, right. 503 00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:16,923 Wait, you're kidding, right? 504 00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,225 No. 505 00:19:18,291 --> 00:19:20,327 Why, is that so odd? 506 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,895 Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates 507 00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,498 since I was 15. 508 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:29,168 God, you were just a kid. 509 00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,170 Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. 510 00:19:31,238 --> 00:19:32,772 We'll relax and... 511 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,040 Yeah, that sounds great. 512 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:37,844 I had clients riding me all day long. 513 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,479 Must be tough. 514 00:19:39,546 --> 00:19:41,848 Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. 515 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:44,517 I mean, talk about anal. 516 00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:53,493 Well, here we are. 517 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,194 Uh... 518 00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:59,098 Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. 519 00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,533 I'm sort of amazed 520 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,168 at how much I like you, 521 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,370 but I can't do this. 522 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:04,671 You're a hooker. 523 00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,440 What? 524 00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:08,741 Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, 525 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,643 but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. 526 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,612 I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute. 527 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:15,782 No... Ted, I'm a paralegal. 528 00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,250 Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. 529 00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,552 You're a hooker. 530 00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:21,754 No, Ted... 531 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,356 I'm a paralegal. 532 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:26,993 No, you're a hooker. 533 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:30,597 No, I'm a paralegal. 534 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,436 You're a paralegal. 535 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,407 ( laughing ) 536 00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:41,974 That was not funny. 537 00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:43,543 Not funny, dude. 538 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,812 I know, it was hilarious. 539 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,547 Why would you do that? 540 00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,316 I did it to prove a point. 541 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:50,750 What point? 542 00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:53,520 Stay with me. 543 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,954 It's going to come to me. 544 00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:56,589 No. 545 00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,791 Ah, okay, here's the point. 546 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,760 You thought that Mary was a sure thing, right? 547 00:21:00,827 --> 00:21:01,928 So what happened? 548 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,431 She took you up to a hotel room on the first date. 549 00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:06,466 All you have to do is be that confident 550 00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:08,701 with every girl you meet and your slump is over. 551 00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,671 So the message is, I should treat every woman like a whore? 552 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,940 Come on, dude, you should be thanking me. 553 00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:15,775 She slapped me and stormed off. 554 00:21:15,842 --> 00:21:16,976 Can you blame her? 555 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:18,678 You called her a hooker. 556 00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:19,779 ( Marshall chuckles ) 557 00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:22,181 I'm sorry, dude, it was funny. 558 00:21:22,248 --> 00:21:23,516 Yeah. Well, it's getting late. 559 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,318 I should get back to my room. 560 00:21:25,385 --> 00:21:26,819 Your room? 561 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,154 Yeah, that really expensive hotel room 562 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:29,789 you put on your credit card-- 563 00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:30,923 never checked out. 564 00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,925 By the way, you know what's super fun? 565 00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:36,463 Pouring Dom Perignon down a bathtub drain. 566 00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:38,931 Well, it's almost 3:00. Got a massage. Toodles. 567 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:45,538 Come on, if you don't laugh, it just seems mean.