1 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,450 TED: When your Uncle Marshall was ten years old, 2 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,453 he read a book called Life Among the Gorillas. 3 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:22,056 It was written by an anthropologist 4 00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:24,325 named Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez, 5 00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,494 and it told the story of the year she spent living 6 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:29,597 among the Western Lowland Gorillas of Cameroon. 7 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:33,101 When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came to the local community college 8 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,702 to give a lecture, Marshall, 9 00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,170 the youngest member of the audience, 10 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:38,506 raised his hand with a question. 11 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:39,240 Mmm. 12 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:40,274 What advice do you have 13 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,110 for a budding anthropologist? 14 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:44,212 So you want to be an anthropologist? 15 00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,147 Yep. When I grow up, I want to go 16 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,748 live with the gorillas, just like you did. 17 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:50,818 What she said next changed his life. 18 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,086 Oh, that's wonderful, 19 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:53,854 but I'm afraid you can't. 20 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,589 They'll all be dead by then. 21 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,861 ...and if economic sanctions and trade restrictions 22 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:01,895 aren't enforced, the destruction 23 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,631 of the rainforests will continue 24 00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:06,100 and over a million species will be wiped out. 25 00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,169 So you don't want coffee? 26 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,903 I'm saying that the coffee industry 27 00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:11,605 is causing irreversible... All right. 28 00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:12,440 I'm pouring it out. 29 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:13,307 Okay, one cup. 30 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,243 The kid needs to be alert. 31 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,777 First day on the job and everything. 32 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,347 I still can't believe you're going all corporate on us. 33 00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:21,382 "The kid" has become "the man." 34 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,217 Okay, it's just an internship 35 00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:24,552 to make a little money. 36 00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:26,620 After law school, I'm still going to work for the NRDC. 37 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,556 They're gonna stop global warming. 38 00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:31,725 TED: Well... I mean... they did their best. 39 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,894 Here's your sack lunch. 40 00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:34,862 ( laughing ) 41 00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,130 Okay, I love you because, 42 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:37,965 one, you made me a sack lunch 43 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,234 and two, you laugh every time you say the word "sack. 44 00:01:40,301 --> 00:01:42,570 I love you, Marshmallow. 45 00:01:44,472 --> 00:01:46,474 I love you too, Marshmallow. 46 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:49,477 Uh-oh. 47 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,110 Ted? 48 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:53,181 Oh, no. No, she didn't. 49 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:55,783 Yeah. Yeah, she did. 50 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:57,151 Another care package? 51 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,253 Another care package. 52 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,522 I'd been in a long-distance relationship 53 00:02:01,589 --> 00:02:03,557 with Victoria for nearly a month. 54 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:07,428 Long-distance relationships are a bad idea. 55 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,129 How many is that so far? 56 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,231 Three. And how many 57 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,465 have you sent her? 58 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,268 In the mail or in my mind? 59 00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,804 Zero. She's up three-zip. 60 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,672 Oh! Cupcakes! 61 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,710 Great. I bet they're delicious, too. 62 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,745 Yup, they're delicious. 63 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:25,913 Damn it! 64 00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:32,119 I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes. 65 00:02:32,186 --> 00:02:35,088 God, I hate myself right now. 66 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,890 God, that is so me at 15. 67 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,195 Marshall was going to work 68 00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:44,131 for a big corporation called Altrucel. 69 00:02:44,198 --> 00:02:45,333 Altrucel was most well-known 70 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:46,567 for making the yellow fuzzy stuff 71 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,202 on the surface of tennis balls. 72 00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,537 I mean, this was a huge company, 73 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:50,771 so they did other things... 74 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,575 But mostly they wanted the public 75 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,345 to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff. 76 00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,413 Anyway, Marshall managed to score an internship 77 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,681 in their legal department 78 00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:02,250 because he knew someone who worked there. 79 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,551 ( phone ringing ) 80 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:05,152 Go for Barney. 81 00:03:05,219 --> 00:03:06,254 Mr. Stinson, this is Willis 82 00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:07,755 from lobby security. 83 00:03:07,821 --> 00:03:09,557 Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports 84 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,225 of a sasquatch loose in the building. 85 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,860 A sasquatch? 86 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:15,263 That's right, sir, a Bigfoot. 87 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,464 We don't want to alarm you, 88 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,566 but he's been spotted on your floor. 89 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:25,906 Yes! 90 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,275 Look at you. 91 00:03:27,341 --> 00:03:28,376 You suited 92 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,077 in an unmistakably upward direction. 93 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,280 Whoa. That is 94 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,114 a butt-load of motivational posters. 95 00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:35,283 Yeah, hell, yeah. 96 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:36,350 I got 'em all: Teamwork, 97 00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:37,951 Courage, Awesomeness... 98 00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,320 There's one for awesomeness? 99 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,422 Yeah, I had it made. 100 00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,356 Sit. 101 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,857 Hey, so, now that I'm working here, 102 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,926 are you finally going to tell me exactly what your job is? 103 00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,595 ( laughs ) Please. 104 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:48,496 My dawg! 105 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:49,863 My dawg! 106 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:51,031 Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall. 107 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,400 These guys are in legal. 108 00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:53,967 You're gonna be working with them. Marshall Eriksen. 109 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:54,735 Nice to meet you. 110 00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:56,136 Nice tie. Steak sauce. 111 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:59,006 Oh, steak sauce! For true, though. 112 00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,741 Where, I don't, I don't see... 113 00:04:00,808 --> 00:04:01,575 Marshall? Sidebar. 114 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,179 Your tie is steak sauce. 115 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,115 It means A-1. A-1? Get it? 116 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,249 Try to keep up. 117 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,519 Okay, Eriksen, let's get to work. 118 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,554 It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside. 119 00:04:13,621 --> 00:04:15,289 Ding-dong! What? The doorbell? 120 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:17,825 Oh, hello, Jessica Alba in a trench coat 121 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:18,926 and nothing else. 122 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,060 But wait-- knock, knock. 123 00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,295 Somebody's at the back door? 124 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:22,630 I don't have a back door. 125 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:23,397 Oh, my gosh, 126 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,732 Jessica Simpson? 127 00:04:24,798 --> 00:04:26,266 What a surprise. 128 00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,336 Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one. 129 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,070 What do you do? Go. 130 00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:31,772 Right. Well, uh... 131 00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:32,806 I'm engaged, so... 132 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,074 Fiancee's out of town. 133 00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:35,609 What do you do? Go. 134 00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:38,111 We're still engaged, even if she's... 135 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:39,313 Okay, fiancee's dead. 136 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,048 Hit by a bus. What do you do? 137 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,817 Go. 138 00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,353 Mmm. Mmm. 139 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,655 Sure you don't want one? 140 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,256 How many of those have you eaten? 141 00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:51,392 Four. Teen. 142 00:04:51,459 --> 00:04:52,993 No, just four. 143 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:54,261 And the icing from two more. 144 00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,629 Mmm. So, 145 00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:58,098 anyway, here's the problem. 146 00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,132 Hey, it's Ted. 147 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,368 Um, I guess you're asleep. 148 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,235 Anyway, I got the care package, 149 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,838 and it's just great. 150 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:07,074 Here, listen... 151 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,209 Mmm. Mmm! 152 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,778 So I'm standing there, 153 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:14,181 my mouth full of this delicious relationship-winning cupcake... 154 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,148 Mm-hmm. 155 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,985 And... I said something dumb. 156 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:21,288 Oh, and, um... don't worry: yours is in the mail. 157 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:23,090 I sent it a couple days ago. 158 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,425 And it's awesome. 159 00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,259 Really, really awesome. 160 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,561 Why did I say that? 161 00:05:27,628 --> 00:05:30,330 I think frosting makes me lie. 162 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:33,233 Oh, Teddy boy. 163 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,002 Yeah. So now, whatever I send her, 164 00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,137 she'll know I sent it after I talked to her. 165 00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,972 So that's the problem. 166 00:05:39,039 --> 00:05:40,173 You work on that. 167 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,208 I'm gonna eat this cupcake. 168 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,777 All right, here's what you do: 169 00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:46,580 Put together a care package of stuff from New York-- 170 00:05:46,647 --> 00:05:49,983 some H&H bagels, an Empire State Building keychain... 171 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,453 and then, top off the package with a New York Times... 172 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,822 Ready? From three days ago. 173 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,257 That's brilliant. 174 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:58,325 You're brilliant. 175 00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,027 You know, 176 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,228 it's funny, not so long ago, 177 00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,596 I was coming to Marshall and Lily 178 00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,064 for advice on how to impress you. 179 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,400 That is funny. 180 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:07,868 And here's why it was funny. 181 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:10,538 Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier, 182 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:12,906 here's what Robin was saying to Lily about me. 183 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:15,476 Okay, fine, I have feelings for him. 184 00:06:15,543 --> 00:06:16,844 Now it's ironic, the girl 185 00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,312 I used to like is helping me impress the girl I now like. 186 00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,014 The irony is clear, Ted. 187 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,521 Hey! How was your first day? 188 00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:29,156 I don't wanna talk about it. 189 00:06:31,825 --> 00:06:34,094 The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks. 190 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,162 What? 191 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,329 They're jerks! 192 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,765 What makes them jerks? 193 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,534 Forget it, I don't want to talk about it. 194 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:41,869 Well, like today at lunch... 195 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,205 What do you got there, Ericksen? 196 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,339 Mommy pack your lunch? 197 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,475 ( laughing ) 198 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:49,643 For your information, my fiancee did. 199 00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:53,113 Oh... Does she cut the crusts off your sandwich, too? 200 00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:54,047 No. 201 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:02,289 What's that? 202 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,624 Nothing. 203 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,593 Give it. "Dear Marshmallow. 204 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:06,827 "Good luck today. 205 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:07,861 "I wuv you. 206 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:08,929 Lilypad." 207 00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:09,797 Give it. 208 00:07:09,863 --> 00:07:11,732 P.S. If you've unfolded this note, 209 00:07:11,799 --> 00:07:13,333 "your kiss already got out. 210 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,668 Quick-- catch it." 211 00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,470 Give it back. Hey, give it. 212 00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:17,738 Gimme... Give it! 213 00:07:17,805 --> 00:07:21,141 Oh, screw those guys! We're adorable. 214 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:22,576 I know. God. 215 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,578 It's like freshman year all over again. 216 00:07:24,645 --> 00:07:26,113 Only this time, my sweet dance moves 217 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,248 aren't going to be enough to win them over. 218 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,550 Not even Old Reliable. 219 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,389 Sweetie... 220 00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,526 It would be cool to have some extra money, 221 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:40,360 but, but, if you're unhappy, 222 00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,529 it's not worth it. 223 00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,531 I quit. 224 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:44,632 What? No. 225 00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:46,333 We're having so much fun. 226 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,401 You, me, working together. It's great. 227 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:49,903 We're not even working together, Barney. 228 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,705 I'm in the legal department and you're... 229 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,440 Seriously, what is it that you do? 230 00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:55,208 Please. 231 00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:56,910 I'm sorry, dude, 232 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,613 this corporate thing, it's just... it's not for me. 233 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,550 Oh, of course it's not for you. 234 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,917 It's for Lily. 235 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:06,053 What? 236 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:07,588 Marshall. Lily's a catch. 237 00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,722 But do you really think 238 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,524 you're going to hang onto a girl that great 239 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,892 without the package? 240 00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:12,760 The package? 241 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,628 The package. The house. The car. 242 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,196 Sending your kids to a great school. 243 00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:17,598 A vacation once in a while. 244 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,567 Lily doesn't care about that stuff. 245 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,669 Well, no-- now she doesn't, 246 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,637 but how's she going to feel in a couple years, 247 00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:24,772 when she's supporting you 248 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,774 on a kindergarten teacher's salary 249 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,309 while you're off in court defending some... 250 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:30,443 endangered... 251 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,612 South American... 252 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,847 flying beaver. 253 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:38,485 She'll be happy. 254 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:40,353 Okay. 255 00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,222 But will you be happy 256 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:45,025 knowing you could have made her a lot happier. 257 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,729 And all four 258 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,998 are totally naked. You gotta choose one. 259 00:08:51,064 --> 00:08:52,866 What do you do? Go. 260 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:56,604 I guess, uh... 261 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,971 Bea Arthur. 262 00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,573 Ahh! Wrong! 263 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,375 Betty White. 264 00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:03,877 Clean this stuff up, Eriksen. 265 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:12,085 So did she get the awesome care package yet? 266 00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:13,353 Yep. Yesterday. 267 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:14,387 Did she love it? 268 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,556 Ooh, she loved it. 269 00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:17,925 So what's the problem? 270 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,927 So I was talking to her last night. 271 00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:21,461 and, I should tell you, we've been 272 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,830 talking on the phone every other night 273 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:24,264 for, like, an hour and a half. 274 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:26,634 Eventually you just run out of stuff to say. 275 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,271 What did you have for lunch today? 276 00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:32,372 Mm-hmm. 277 00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,908 Oh. Rye bread. Uh-huh. 278 00:09:38,145 --> 00:09:39,346 Mm-hmm. 279 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:43,817 Yeah. Mm-hmm... 280 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,122 ( snoring ) 281 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,524 Oh, Teddy boy. 282 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,060 I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend, 283 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,295 but this never-seeing- each-other thing, it's a bitch. 284 00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,731 Maybe it just can't be done. 285 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,633 I think it's clear what I have to do. 286 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:03,070 It's pretty clear. 287 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:04,938 I have to go to Germany and surprise her. 288 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,641 Totally what I was thinking. 289 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,977 Get out of my head, man! 290 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,684 Barney, how do I get these idiots to leave me alone? 291 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,285 ( sighs ) 292 00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:20,620 Marshall, consider the penguins. 293 00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:22,155 The penguins? 294 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,223 On the wall. 295 00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:31,031 "Conformity. It's the one who's different 296 00:10:31,098 --> 00:10:33,300 that gets left out in the cold." 297 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:34,702 This is a motivational poster? 298 00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:35,803 Look at yourself, Marshall. 299 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:36,737 You're not happy. 300 00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,405 And you know why? 301 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,472 Because you're different. 302 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,041 Now, I suppose 303 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,810 you could learn to love yourself 304 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,611 for the unique little snowflake that you are, 305 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,046 or... 306 00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:47,715 you could change your entire personality, 307 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,349 which is just so much easier. 308 00:10:50,951 --> 00:10:52,720 Change your personality? 309 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:54,021 That is so awful, 310 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,655 and not at all motivational. 311 00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:56,924 Not necessarily. 312 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,391 Okay, at first, I was appalled, 313 00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,760 but then I realized 314 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,763 it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vasquez 315 00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,064 in Life Among the Gorillas. 316 00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:05,766 I have to gain the acceptance of the herd 317 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,535 by behaving exactly like one of them. 318 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,170 It's an anthropological study. 319 00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,104 Isn't that cool? 320 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,673 It sounds kinda like peer pressure. 321 00:11:13,741 --> 00:11:15,342 No, no, no. 322 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:16,609 It's totally anthropological 323 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:19,146 and it's cool and I'm doing it. 324 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,948 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure. 325 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,250 We have an assembly every year. 326 00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,518 I'm portraying someone 327 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,187 who succumbs to peer pressure. 328 00:11:27,254 --> 00:11:31,424 All right, but if those guys try to pressure you to smoke, 329 00:11:31,491 --> 00:11:32,492 what do you say? 330 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,127 Only when I'm drunk. 331 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,996 Good boy. 332 00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,530 And so, to fit in with the gorillas, 333 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,967 Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla, 334 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,602 and that meant gorilla lessons. 335 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:43,670 Okay, 336 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,739 I'm psyched about this. 337 00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:46,907 But if I'm going to mentor you, 338 00:11:46,974 --> 00:11:48,575 I need to know you're psyched about this, too. 339 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:51,144 Oh, I am. I'm, I'm psyched. 340 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,946 Yeah, but it's one thing to say it, 341 00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:55,783 it's another thing to show it. 342 00:11:56,784 --> 00:11:57,951 Show it. 343 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,823 I'm psyched! 344 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:05,793 What was that? 345 00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:11,598 Marshall, I should feel tremors of psychitude 346 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,767 rock my body like a seizure. 347 00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,268 That was like a declawed 348 00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:19,072 pregnant cat on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly 349 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,141 on a lazy Sunday afternoon. 350 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:24,377 Wow, that was really specific. 351 00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,213 Show me you're psyched! 352 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,617 Let's do this! 353 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,619 Ow! That hurt! 354 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:34,687 So badly. ( groans ) 355 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,457 And then you slip it to the guy with a discreet handshake 356 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:39,392 and he'll get it done. 357 00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:41,261 Right. Get what done? 358 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,562 Whatever. 359 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,730 Cool. 360 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:44,798 And what guy is this? 361 00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,499 There's always a guy. 362 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,269 Barney, I, uh, 363 00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:50,437 I think I'm ready. 364 00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:53,140 You sure? You want to practice your story one more time? 365 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:56,043 All right. 366 00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,479 So dude, check it. 367 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,682 I'm in San Diego with two of my bro-sephs from Kappa, 368 00:13:02,749 --> 00:13:06,820 and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs." 369 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,256 So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!" 370 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,825 So we find this choice nudie nest near the airport... 371 00:13:11,892 --> 00:13:14,794 ...and that is when the bouncer kicked us out. 372 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:15,996 Now, I have no idea 373 00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:19,266 if Svetlana ever got her green card, but dudes, 374 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,834 fake diamond ring? 375 00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,303 Worth every penny, bruh. 376 00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,005 Eriksen... 377 00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:29,910 ...that was steak sauce! 378 00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:31,879 Yeah. Yeah. 379 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:34,181 Great story. 380 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:52,933 The next morning, I was about to buy my ticket to Germany 381 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,434 when I got an e-mail. 382 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,568 Uh-oh. 383 00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,171 "Hey, Ted, sorry I missed your call last night. 384 00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,907 "This long-distance thing sucks, huh? 385 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,208 "Listen, I've been thinking 386 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,710 "and I really need to talk to you tonight. 387 00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:06,146 I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria." 388 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,147 So? 389 00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,249 So she's going to dump me. 390 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,218 Has anyone ever said, "Listen, I've been thinking," 391 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,752 and then follow it up with something good? 392 00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:13,786 It's not like: Listen, 393 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,922 I've been thinking, 394 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,290 Nutter-Butters are an underrated cookie. 395 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,226 What else can it be? 396 00:14:19,292 --> 00:14:20,928 What could she possibly have to say to me 397 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,029 that she couldn't write in an e-mail? 398 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,797 I cut off all my fingers? 399 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:25,933 ( chuckles ) 400 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:27,734 Ted, you're a great guy. 401 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:28,668 I know it, 402 00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,103 you know it, she knows it. 403 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,205 I would bet you a gazillion dollars-- 404 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:34,507 no, I'm even more confident. 405 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,176 I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars 406 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,111 that she's not calling to break up with you. 407 00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,513 Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy. 408 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:42,615 So I should still buy that plane ticket, right? 409 00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,951 I'd wait. 410 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,587 'Sup, Blauman? 411 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:49,656 E-bomb here. 412 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:50,958 We still on for karaoke? 413 00:14:51,024 --> 00:14:53,460 Dope. I'm going to rock you 414 00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:54,294 on the mike so hard 415 00:14:54,361 --> 00:14:55,963 your ears are going to bleed gravy. 416 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,632 Catch you on the flip, butt puppet. 417 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,234 Okay... 418 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:04,904 ...what do you think? 419 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:07,274 Steak sauce. 420 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:09,176 Steak sauce? 421 00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:10,477 Yeah. 422 00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,744 Look, you know, 423 00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:15,815 whatever anthropology you do at work is your business, 424 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:18,418 but please don't act like that around here. 425 00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:21,488 Lily, when Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-... 426 00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:24,724 No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline 427 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,393 came home from the gorillas, 428 00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,928 she didn't run around picking nits out of people's hair 429 00:15:28,996 --> 00:15:31,264 and-and throwing feces. 430 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,368 I'm begging you just, just leave it at the office. 431 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:36,469 Why? 432 00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:38,538 Because you're acting like one of those guys, 433 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,207 and those guys are lame. 434 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:43,376 Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes, 435 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,278 but they're actually good guys, 436 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,647 and if you got to know them, then you would see that. 437 00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,383 Come karaoke with us tonight, and you'll see 438 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,920 how totally not that lame they are, okay? 439 00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,389 Okay. 440 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,826 But wait, knock-knock, back door, who's there? 441 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:03,997 Angelina Jolie... wait, in a wheelchair. 442 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:06,533 What do you do? Go. 443 00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,536 Dude, Scarlett Johannson with no arms, any day of the week. 444 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,471 Yeah. 445 00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:15,508 ( sarcastically ): You're right. They're delightful. 446 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:16,876 So, Barney, you gonna sing anything? 447 00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:19,512 Nah. I'm so over karaoke. 448 00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,814 Really? I thought you'd be totally into it. 449 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,050 Oh, don't get me wrong. 450 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:25,318 I'm good. The best, really. 451 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:28,188 But it's the greatest samurai 452 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,457 who lets his sword rust in its scabbard. 453 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:32,159 Oh, baby, they have our song. 454 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:34,727 Let's do "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." 455 00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:35,728 What? 456 00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,097 "Don't Go Breaking My Heart." 457 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,765 Elton John, Kiki Dee. 458 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,966 No way. 459 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,634 You got to go with some Black Sabbath. 460 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:44,537 Well, actually, Marshall and I have this little dance routine. 461 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:45,572 "Iron Man." 462 00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,074 I could do "Iron Man." 463 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:48,108 Steak sauce. 464 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:49,376 Steak sauce, dude. 465 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,379 Should we tell him? 466 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,814 All right, Eriksen, I've got some good news. 467 00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,116 On Monday, 468 00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:58,551 Bilson and I are going to talk to Montague in HR. 469 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:02,655 When you graduate, we want you working with us. 470 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,491 What do you say? 471 00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,530 Yes! 472 00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:12,099 That's my man! I told you he would. 473 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:15,768 Aw, we're gonna own the office. 474 00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,205 Steak sauce. 475 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,444 Okay, that was gross. 476 00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:25,945 When were you going to tell me 477 00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,014 you changed your entire career path? 478 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,882 Nothing has changed, okay? 479 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,218 I still want to help the environment. 480 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,619 I just thought that maybe 481 00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,654 I could make some money for a few years. 482 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:38,591 We could buy an apartment, send our kids to good schools. 483 00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:41,394 You could quit your job and focus on your painting. 484 00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:42,629 I know that you say you don't need it, 485 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:46,099 but I love you and I want to give it to you anyway. 486 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,935 I want to give you the package. 487 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,603 The package?! 488 00:17:50,670 --> 00:17:53,173 You've already given me the package. 489 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,608 You've got a great package, Marshall. 490 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,344 I love your package. 491 00:17:57,410 --> 00:18:00,347 Lily, you're the most incredible woman I know, 492 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,582 and you deserve a big package. 493 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:06,253 Your package has always been big enough. 494 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,556 You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen, 495 00:18:09,622 --> 00:18:12,459 but you've got a huge package. 496 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,099 Yeah. 497 00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,671 ( phone rings ) 498 00:18:24,737 --> 00:18:25,872 Hello. 499 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:26,939 Why hasn't she called yet? 500 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,641 Okay, you're making yourself crazy. 501 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:29,676 It's Saturday night. 502 00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:30,943 Go out and do something. 503 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,212 No, what's the point of going out? 504 00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,181 I got a girlfriend... for now. 505 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:35,515 Besides, if I go out, 506 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:36,783 who's going to watch the news? 507 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:37,750 I'm, like, half your viewership. 508 00:18:37,817 --> 00:18:39,852 I'm flattered you think we have two viewers. 509 00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,189 She's not going to break up with you, Ted. 510 00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:43,456 You're awesome. 511 00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,291 Thanks. 512 00:18:44,357 --> 00:18:46,293 Anyway, it's almost 11:00. 513 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:47,460 I should let you go. 514 00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:48,895 Break a leg. 515 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,097 And so as I sat at home waiting for the phone to ring, 516 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,433 something occurred to me. 517 00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:58,238 I'm actually sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. 518 00:19:00,607 --> 00:19:04,277 * He's giving you the blues * 519 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:07,647 * You want to graduate, but not in his bed * 520 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:11,484 * Here's what you got to do * 521 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:12,652 * Pick up the phone... * 522 00:19:12,719 --> 00:19:14,053 Marshall. 523 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,855 Hey, hey. 524 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,924 Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you in a month. 525 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:21,861 Yeah. Yeah. How you doing? 526 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:25,232 I think Victoria's about to break up with me. 527 00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:28,100 Oh, God, I'm sorry, man. 528 00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,903 Yeah, well, honestly, I'm having trouble 529 00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:32,805 remembering what she looks like. 530 00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:33,906 ( chuckles ) 531 00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:36,409 The more I try to picture her, the more I can't. 532 00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,211 Like, I remember how she makes me feel. 533 00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,146 I just... I don't completely remember her. 534 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:43,283 It's like I'm trying to preserve something that's already gone. 535 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,286 Preserving something that's already gone. 536 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,388 Sounds like environmental law. 537 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:50,623 I don't know. 538 00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,493 We struggle so hard to hold onto these things 539 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,995 that we know are going to disappear eventually. 540 00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:57,163 And that's really noble, 541 00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:59,299 but even if you save every rain forest 542 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,234 from being turned into a parking lot, 543 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:04,904 well, then where are you going to park your car? 544 00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:14,781 AUDIENCE: * Done dirt cheap! * 545 00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,449 * Dirty deeds * 546 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,117 * Done dirt cheap! * 547 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:20,253 * Dirty deeds * 548 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,921 * Done dirt cheap! * 549 00:20:21,988 --> 00:20:25,892 * Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap, ow * 550 00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,395 * Dirty deeds and they're done dirt cheap... * 551 00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:29,629 ( music stops ) 552 00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,998 Uh, rockupied. Dude, what...? 553 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:40,673 Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad. 554 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:43,476 ( "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart" intro playing ) 555 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:56,389 * Don't go breakin' my heart * 556 00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:58,891 * I couldn't if I tried * 557 00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:04,531 * Honey, if I get restless * 558 00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,833 * Baby, you're not that kind... * 559 00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:09,502 It turns out some things are worth preserving. 560 00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:12,204 But here's the real question: 561 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,906 It's 2:00 a.m. 562 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,608 Your friends are still out singing karaoke, 563 00:21:15,675 --> 00:21:17,644 but you're home early because you're expecting a call 564 00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,178 from your girlfriend in Germany, 565 00:21:19,245 --> 00:21:21,047 who was supposed to call four hours ago. 566 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,750 And then the phone rings. 567 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:28,355 Hello. 568 00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:30,523 Hi, Ted. It's Robin. 569 00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,125 Um, listen, I know it's late, 570 00:21:33,192 --> 00:21:36,295 but, uh, do you want to come over? 571 00:21:36,363 --> 00:21:38,064 What do you do? 572 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:39,732 Go.