1 00:00:03,871 --> 00:00:07,041 TED: Kids, something you might not know about your Uncle Marshall 2 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,077 is that he's always been good at games. 3 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:10,444 I mean, unbeatable. 4 00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,180 Gin! 5 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,983 Yahtzee! 6 00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,017 Poker! 7 00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,986 You don't have to shout out "poker" 8 00:00:19,053 --> 00:00:20,821 when you win. 9 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,723 I know. It's just fun to say. 10 00:00:22,790 --> 00:00:25,226 TED: We all finally agreed Marshall should be running 11 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,328 our game nights instead of playing in them. 12 00:00:27,395 --> 00:00:30,331 Which he took to mean, "invent your own game." 13 00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:33,501 It's called "Marsh-gammon." 14 00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:34,468 It combines all 15 00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,270 the best features of all the best games-- 16 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,672 Candy Land, I Never, Pictionary. 17 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:39,773 Backgammon, obviously. 18 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,675 No. Backgammon sucks. 19 00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:42,776 I took the only good part 20 00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:44,378 of backgammon, the "gammon," 21 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:47,381 and I left the rest of it in the trash where it belongs. 22 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,551 I'm so excited Victoria's coming. 23 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,453 I'm going to go get another round. 24 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,887 TED: Okay, I want to lay down 25 00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:55,089 some ground rules for tonight. 26 00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:58,025 Barney, I actually like Victoria... a lot, 27 00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,960 so don't say anything embarrass... 28 00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,929 Don't say anything. 29 00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:03,564 And guys, 30 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,266 I haven't exactly told Victoria 31 00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:07,235 that I used to have a kind of thing for Robin, 32 00:01:07,301 --> 00:01:08,836 so we you could just avoid the... 33 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:10,404 Well, well, well. 34 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,206 How rich. 35 00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,641 You make me promise 36 00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,743 to be on my best behavior around your girlfriend, 37 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,978 yet, you have been lying to her since day one. 38 00:01:18,045 --> 00:01:19,847 Excuse me. 39 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,749 Hi. Leg Warehouse? 40 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:23,717 Yeah, my friend Ted needs something to stand on. 41 00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,787 So, nothing for him to stand on? 42 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,088 Okay, and thanks so much. 43 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:31,492 Ted, doesn't Victoria deserve to know 44 00:01:31,559 --> 00:01:33,394 that you once had the hots for Robin? 45 00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:37,531 I have half a mind to tell the story of the re-return. 46 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,135 ( whispers ): No. I-I swore you to secrecy on that. 47 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:42,936 Ooh, I am smelling dirt. 48 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,306 What is the story of the re-return? 49 00:01:45,373 --> 00:01:46,974 Nothing. It's nothing. 50 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:48,442 And speaking of digging up dirt, 51 00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,444 can I count on you two to behave around Victoria? 52 00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,745 Us? 53 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:52,980 What would we do? 54 00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:54,682 Look, um, you guys have always been like the parents 55 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,850 that I still have and, in fact, moved here 56 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,419 to get away from. 57 00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:01,955 However, could we skip the traditional interrogation 58 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,591 of the new girlfriend tonight? 59 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:05,659 BOTH: Fine. 60 00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:06,460 Thank you. 61 00:02:06,527 --> 00:02:08,596 I should go help Robin. Okay. 62 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:11,732 Hey. 63 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,201 Hey. 64 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,535 So, are you going to be okay 65 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,237 hanging out with Victoria tonight? 66 00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:18,606 Oh, sure. She's great. 67 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:19,840 Oh, what? 68 00:02:19,907 --> 00:02:21,642 Because of the whole thing where I said I liked Ted? 69 00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,311 No. Victoria's great. 70 00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:27,248 She's fun, she's free-spirited, she's great. 71 00:02:27,315 --> 00:02:29,250 I said, "She's great" too many times, didn't I? 72 00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:30,784 You must really hate the bitch. 73 00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,520 ( laughs ) 74 00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:34,388 But if you roll an even number 75 00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,557 while adjacent to the Peppermint Forest, 76 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,159 then you "Marshall out," and all your chips go 77 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:41,161 into the pot, and remember, 78 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:43,464 if you ever ask the question "What?," then... 79 00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:45,065 ( buzzer sounds ) 80 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,500 You got to drink. 81 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:47,301 Got it? 82 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:50,003 ( all talking at once ) 83 00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:52,172 Okay, okay, no, no, we'll just start, you guys'll pick it up. 84 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,307 Newbie goes first. 85 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,642 Roll. Okay. 86 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:57,278 Three! 87 00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:58,479 You got Autobiography. 88 00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,047 Now, that's where you have 89 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:01,215 to answer 90 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,251 a personal question about your dating life 91 00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:04,818 truthfully in order to move on. 92 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,420 Marshall, come on. 93 00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:08,356 Hey, she's the one who rolled a three. 94 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,259 Victoria, 95 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:12,493 "Have you 96 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,828 ever cheated while in a relationship?" 97 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,030 Wow, good question. 98 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,198 Look, you don't have to answer that. 99 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,767 It's okay. 100 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:24,204 Um, well, I was in a really crappy relationship in college, 101 00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:27,074 and I wound up kissing this guy at a party 102 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,676 one night, and I 103 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:32,280 felt terrible about it, so, I came clean, and we broke up. 104 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:37,150 Victoria, that was an honest and mature answer. 105 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,520 You may advance to The Gumdrop Mountains. 106 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,489 Ooh. 107 00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:44,792 So Victoria, did you ever rereturn to this guy? 108 00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:45,459 What? 109 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,660 ( buzzer sounds ) 110 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:47,595 You said what, you got to drink! 111 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,030 LILY: Oh, Barney, 112 00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:51,499 by the way, I went to a party 113 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,367 in that new building on 82nd, 114 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,868 and the host said she knew you. 115 00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,103 What is her name? 116 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,305 Sharon? Shannon? 117 00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:58,572 Shannon?! 118 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:01,208 Shannon, Shannon... 119 00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:04,011 No, don't remember any Shannon. 120 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,447 Really? Well, 'cause she gave me a videotape to give... 121 00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,982 Where's the tape? 122 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:10,884 Fine. 123 00:04:12,386 --> 00:04:14,922 Cool, okay. You know, whenever. 124 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,024 Okay, Robin, your roll. 125 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,059 ( whoops ) 126 00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,628 Five! 127 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,162 Another Autobiography... 128 00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,364 ( whoops ) 129 00:04:23,431 --> 00:04:25,999 for the player to your left, which... 130 00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:27,601 Victoria! 131 00:04:27,668 --> 00:04:29,269 Of course. 132 00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:33,140 Victoria, "How many boyfriends did you have 133 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,543 before you started dating Ted?" 134 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,944 Wait, the card actually says "Ted?" 135 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,078 VICTORIA: Okay, 136 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:41,081 uh, well, boyfriends-- I guess I've only had... two. 137 00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,015 Prude alert. 138 00:04:43,317 --> 00:04:46,354 Well... that's serious boyfriends. 139 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,322 I've dated other guys in between. 140 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,490 Oh, slut alert! 141 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:50,924 ( laughing ) 142 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:54,428 Oh, great, there it is. 143 00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,763 Thanks, Lily. 144 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,798 You're a peach. 145 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,502 ( Barney yelling and slamming tape on counter ) 146 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,740 Oh, wow, look at that. 147 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,542 Robin landed on the Chocolate Swamp. 148 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,478 That's five chips for me. 149 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:11,712 MARSHALL: Thank you! 150 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,014 Finally somebody understands Marsh-gammon. 151 00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,550 Barney, what was on that tape? 152 00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,386 Too bad you'll never find out. 153 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,687 Oh, damn it! 154 00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,422 If only I'd given you a fake tape 155 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:22,956 and hidden the real tape 156 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,458 in my purse. Oh, wait. 157 00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:26,293 That's exactly what I did. 158 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,061 - What?! - ( buzzer sounds ) 159 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:29,463 - Drink! - Aah! 160 00:05:29,530 --> 00:05:31,932 Yeah, you were acting so weird about it, I gave you Ted's 161 00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,567 graduation tape instead. 162 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:34,835 So, should we pop it in? 163 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370 Give it to me, give it, give me... 164 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,938 Play the tape, play it, play it! Ted! 165 00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,440 Fine, fine. 166 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,942 You cannot play it. 167 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:44,845 ( crying ) 168 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,747 Shannon! 169 00:05:46,814 --> 00:05:48,516 I love you! 170 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,518 I love you so much. 171 00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:55,389 What about us changing the world together? 172 00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:57,891 Don't tell me you've forgotten. 173 00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,227 I know I haven't. 174 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:02,329 ( piano plays mellow tune ) 175 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:08,702 * Will I ever see another rainbow? * 176 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:11,872 * Will an eagle ever soar * 177 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,342 * Through this tempest of woe? * 178 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:17,010 * Baby, please * 179 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,714 * Don't go * 180 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,185 * There's a thief in the palace, she's stolen all my love * 181 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:27,555 * There's a thief in the palace and she's... * 182 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,365 Did you try his cell phone? 183 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:39,967 Yeah, I left two messages. 184 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,169 I checked the cigar club, the Lusty Leopard. 185 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,104 He's off the grid. 186 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,207 Hey, guys, what up? 187 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,542 Barney, where have you been? 188 00:06:48,609 --> 00:06:50,143 Yeah, we're-we're really sorry about that. 189 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,745 Yeah, so sorry. 190 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,748 But seriously, what was up with the tape? 191 00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,249 No, no, stay. Come on, Barney. 192 00:06:56,316 --> 00:06:57,518 Come on. Stay! 193 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:58,819 I'm sorry. I don't want to talk about it. 194 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:00,721 It was the most embarrassing, and humiliating thing 195 00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,289 that ever happened to me. 196 00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,692 Well, we all have embarrassing stories. 197 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,293 Sometimes it's good to-to talk about it. 198 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,595 Oh, really? 199 00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:08,896 Then why don't you tell us 200 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:11,031 your most humiliating moment, Marshall? 201 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,600 Show me how good it is. 202 00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:16,737 All right. 203 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,740 I was stopping by Lily's kindergarten class to say hi, 204 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,742 but they were all at recess. 205 00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,646 I really had to pee, so I went into the class's restroom. 206 00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:28,348 It was a-a smaller target than I'm used to, 207 00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:31,519 so I figured I should sit down. 208 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,557 What I didn't realize was, it was a shared bathroom. 209 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,092 ( screaming ) 210 00:07:41,629 --> 00:07:43,564 I wish I'd pulled up my pants. 211 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,999 ( children giggling ) 212 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,336 ( laughing ) 213 00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:51,238 The kids still call him Funny Butt. 214 00:07:53,641 --> 00:07:56,109 Okay. I'll tell you my story. 215 00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,612 Believe it or not, 216 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:02,049 I was not always as awesome as I am today. 217 00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:04,585 It was 1998. 218 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,153 I was just out of college, and I was working 219 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,355 at a coffeehouse with my girlfriend. 220 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,758 My girlfriend... Shannon. 221 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,627 * Yeah, you were meant for me * 222 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:17,364 * And I was meant for you * 223 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,867 * Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh. * 224 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,835 Thank you. 225 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,307 All right. 226 00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:29,176 I love your singing, Barney. 227 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:30,578 And I love you, Shannon. 228 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,145 ( both laughing ) 229 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:35,048 Joining the Peace Corps with you is gonna be legendary. 230 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:40,087 I know. Only five short weeks till we're down in Nicaragua. 231 00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:41,488 Hey, nonfat latte to go. 232 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,625 Mellow order, bro, mellow order. 233 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,761 Dude, that your g-friend? 234 00:08:47,828 --> 00:08:49,630 All right, high five! 235 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:53,100 Sorry, I only give high twos. 236 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,569 Whatevs. As long as you're nailing that. 237 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,504 Listen to you. 238 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:58,939 That? 239 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,174 You know, women aren't objects. 240 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,075 They're human beings. 241 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,210 And FYI, 242 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,578 Shannon and I have decided 243 00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,946 to wait till we're married. 244 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,781 You can read about it in my zine. 245 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,650 Hey, haircut, right here. 246 00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:11,384 Open up your knowledge basket, 247 00:09:11,451 --> 00:09:12,653 'cause here it comes. 248 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,021 Forget that touchy-feely crap. 249 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,189 You get money, you get laid. End of discussion. 250 00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,758 I feel sorry for you, man. 251 00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:20,227 Peace out, hombre. 252 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,528 ( laughing ) 253 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,764 Suits. 254 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,400 BARNEY: Five weeks later, we were all set 255 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:29,369 to leave for the Peace Corps. 256 00:09:29,436 --> 00:09:31,504 Only problem was... 257 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,741 she never showed up. 258 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:40,781 She never showed? 259 00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,750 So, what happened next? 260 00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,918 ( sighs ): You know what? 261 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,987 This was a mistake. Wait. Uh... 262 00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:50,123 What if somebody else told their most humiliating story? 263 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,659 Oh, I know just how to decide who. 264 00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:54,061 You brought the game to the bar? 265 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,496 Well, we're not quitting just 'cause Ted's so far ahead. 266 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,765 I was winning? 267 00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,100 ( gasps ) 268 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:04,504 Fine. I'll go next. 269 00:10:04,571 --> 00:10:06,439 I was doing a report on live TV 270 00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,475 about a hansom cab driver. 271 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:11,211 Not the slipping-in-horse-poop story! 272 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,145 Yeah, we all know that one. 273 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,014 VICTORIA: Okay, how about this? 274 00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,850 I will tell you my most humiliating story. 275 00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,586 Yeah, Victoria, way to step up! 276 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,421 Okay, it involves a game of truth or dare, 277 00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,357 a squeeze-bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, 278 00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:25,926 and the hot tub 279 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,896 at my grandparents' retirement community. 280 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,231 TED: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, 281 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,400 but there's no way in hell I'm telling you this one. 282 00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,969 Don't worry, though, it wasn't that great. 283 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:39,406 That is the greatest story ever! 284 00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:41,541 Oh my God! 285 00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,510 Wow, wow! 286 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,247 Victoria, I deem your offering... worthy. 287 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:52,319 My saga... continues. 288 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:55,555 I went back to the coffeehouse to find Shannon. 289 00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,924 Barney. 290 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,558 Sugar Bear, where were you? 291 00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:00,761 Oh, I'm sorry. 292 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,595 My dad won't let me go. 293 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,332 But the Nicaraguans need us! 294 00:11:05,398 --> 00:11:08,268 It's just, he's still supporting me, and... 295 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,804 Look, he's coming by soon to talk about it, but 296 00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,506 I think you should go on without me. 297 00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,542 Shannon, there is no... Barney, 298 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,344 it's your dream. 299 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:19,246 It's only two years. 300 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,882 I know we can make it. 301 00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:27,587 BARNEY: As I walked away, I realized Shannon was an adult. 302 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,791 Her father couldn't control her life. 303 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,326 I had to go back and confront him. 304 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,065 She was in the middle 305 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,200 of a heated argument with her dad. 306 00:11:48,275 --> 00:11:48,942 ALL: What?! 307 00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:50,978 ( buzzer sounds ) 308 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,880 Now we all got to drink. 309 00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:01,354 Oh, my God. 310 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,355 What happened next? 311 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,392 I don't know, guys. 312 00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,927 Okay, okay. 313 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,595 Marshall's mom sent us cookies... 314 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:09,897 Lily, no! 315 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:12,800 For the team, Marshall, for the team. 316 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:15,202 Hey, Mrs. Eriksen, it's Lily. 317 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:18,505 Thank you so much for the delicious cookies. 318 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,240 Mayonnaise. 319 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,441 Really? 320 00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:23,443 Never would have guessed. 321 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:26,579 Well, I will definitely give Marshall a kiss for you. 322 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:27,747 Okay. Take care. 323 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250 Oh, crap. 324 00:12:30,317 --> 00:12:31,618 My mom sent cookies? 325 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,420 Yeah. 326 00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:37,024 I wish we had a dog, so they wouldn't go to waste. 327 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,827 So we've got the whole place to ourselves. 328 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,594 I'm thinking 329 00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:43,763 floor sex. Sounds reasonable. 330 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,869 LILY: Ooh, floor's cold. 331 00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:52,239 Grab that afghan your mom made. 332 00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,707 The whole time? 333 00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:58,778 The... whole... time. 334 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,049 Barney, that was really embarrassing for both of us. 335 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,583 We just earned a huge chunk of story. 336 00:13:03,650 --> 00:13:05,418 Right. 337 00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,386 So where was I? 338 00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,620 Oh, yeah. 339 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,990 Shannon was sucking face with her dad. 340 00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,399 How can... 341 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,868 With your dad? 342 00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,102 I mean, I know 343 00:13:22,169 --> 00:13:25,738 judge not lest ye be judged, but gross! 344 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,540 Barney, that's not my dad. 345 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:30,043 His name's Greg. I've been seeing him for a few weeks. 346 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,914 I was hoping you'd just leave, and we could avoid all this. 347 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,016 We're breaking up? 348 00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:37,951 But what about the Peace Corps? 349 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,054 Yeah, all this granola business, it was just a phase. 350 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,556 Greg's older. 351 00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,025 He's successful. 352 00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,861 He buys me all this cool stuff. 353 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,863 But I love you. 354 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:52,532 But he has a boat. 355 00:13:54,234 --> 00:13:56,603 You should go to the Peace Corps 356 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,305 and forget about me. 357 00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,476 BARNEY: I didn't go. 358 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:07,247 That night, I recorded my video and mailed it to Shannon. 359 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:09,549 I didn't see her until a week later. 360 00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,120 There's sugar in the basket. 361 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,788 Shannon! 362 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,690 Shannon, you came back! 363 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,492 I'm just picking up my last paycheck. 364 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:20,793 Oh. 365 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:24,031 Did you... did you get my tape? 366 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,666 Oh, she got the tape. 367 00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,469 You? 368 00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,770 It was you? 369 00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:33,941 * Will I ever see another rainbow * 370 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,108 ( laughs ) 371 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:38,145 ( laughing ) 372 00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:44,351 ( sobbing ) 373 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:04,337 ( ominous march music playing ) 374 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,056 Oh, you poor thing. 375 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,957 The story's not over. 376 00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,759 I did see Shannon one more time. 377 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:00,693 When? 378 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:01,661 ( buzzer ) 379 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,130 Sorry. 380 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,066 You've got to tell us. 381 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,501 I don't know, I think I might need 382 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,404 one last story to get me through it. 383 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,607 Fine. 384 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:15,675 Um... oh! 385 00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:16,976 The green testicle story. 386 00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,878 So I was playing ultimate frisbee in college 387 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,748 and there was this barefoot dude with weirdly sharp toenails... 388 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:22,949 Oh, come on, Ted! 389 00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,617 You know what story I want to hear. 390 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:26,019 Everyone else here 391 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,987 has manned up tonight and told the truth. 392 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,356 Why can't you? 393 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,359 You're right. 394 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,628 Victoria, I'm sorry I haven't told you this yet, 395 00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:39,599 but a while back, I was kind of into Robin. 396 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,235 In fact, on our first date, 397 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:45,738 I might have said, "I love you." 398 00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:49,642 Understandably, she freaked out and I left. 399 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,710 But unfortunately... 400 00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,213 ...the night did not end there. 401 00:16:54,981 --> 00:16:58,285 TED: We all ended up at the bar with our cab driver Ranjit. 402 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,253 To one hell of a night! 403 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:03,090 ( chuckling ) 404 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,492 And I drank... 405 00:17:05,558 --> 00:17:07,660 a lot. 406 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,531 So you guys think I should have kissed her? 407 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,033 Well, I'll tell you what, 408 00:17:14,101 --> 00:17:17,637 I'm gonna go kiss her right... now. 409 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,106 Yes! Do it! 410 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:20,573 To the cab. 411 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,243 ( chuckles ) 412 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:39,192 ( vomiting ) 413 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:40,260 ROBIN: Hello? 414 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,596 Is someone out there? 415 00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:49,336 ( groans ) 416 00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,306 You ralphed and ran? 417 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,110 I thought you were vomit-free since '93. 418 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:59,179 So that was a lie? 419 00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:02,282 You re-returned for me. 420 00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:04,651 That's really sweet. 421 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,387 Though you kind of ruined my customized Scherbotsky doormat. 422 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,688 ( whispers ): Sorry. 423 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:11,424 It's okay. 424 00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,692 Victoria, I know this must be... 425 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,626 Yeah. 426 00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,530 It kind of is. 427 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,267 Wow, Ted, you were right. 428 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,634 You shouldn't have told that story. 429 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:26,373 But you did earn yourself the right to the end of mine. 430 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:29,142 We fast-forward eight years into the future. 431 00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,111 Wait, eight years-- that's, that's this year. 432 00:18:32,179 --> 00:18:36,183 Marshall, not only is it this year, it's tonight. 433 00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,561 Hi. 434 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,462 Barney? 435 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:50,830 Hi, Shannon. 436 00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:52,799 What are you doing here? 437 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,367 Just listen. 438 00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,269 When you left me for that guy Greg, 439 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,838 it changed me. 440 00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:00,340 Now I'm this. 441 00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,343 I-I know this is crazy. 442 00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,478 It's just, you were once such a big part of my life. 443 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:08,114 And it just seemed insane that you didn't know who I am now. 444 00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,817 So here I am. 445 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,820 BARNEY: And then she told me about her life. 446 00:19:13,886 --> 00:19:17,324 She and Greg dated for a while and then split up. 447 00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,259 BARNEY: But here's the real kicker: 448 00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,461 Shannon's a mom. 449 00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,263 She has a little kid named Max. 450 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:26,098 That's crazy. 451 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,667 That could have been my kid. 452 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,304 But instead, what do I have? 453 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,005 My whole life's some money in the bank, 454 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:37,377 some suits in my closet and a string of one-night stands. 455 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:39,946 Hey. 456 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,348 Come on. I mean, just because 457 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:44,050 her life went one way and yours went another, 458 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,519 it doesn't make your life any worse. 459 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,189 My life rocks! 460 00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,326 Money, suits and sex. 461 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,727 These are tears of joy! 462 00:19:55,562 --> 00:19:57,096 BARNEY: I could be cooped up 463 00:19:57,163 --> 00:20:00,433 in some tiny apartment changing some brat's poopy diapers. 464 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,271 But instead, I'm out in the world being awesome 24-7, 365! 465 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,939 You let me dodge a bullet, Big Guy. 466 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,710 Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry 467 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,380 on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life. 468 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,215 After Shannon and I talked, I nailed her. 469 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,785 Nope. Yeah. 470 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:20,152 Nope. Yeah. 471 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,754 Sorry. Don't buy it. You're making it up. 472 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:22,822 You're just trying 473 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,457 to cover the fact that you actually had 474 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:25,492 a profound moment of doubt 475 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:26,626 about yourself and... 476 00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:28,194 ( Shannon moans ) Oh, my God. 477 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,362 Oh, Barney! 478 00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,731 Video's pretty good on this phone, huh? 479 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,199 Is your phone on? 480 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:34,801 BARNEY: Oh, no. It just takes a while 481 00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:36,102 to power down. 482 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,337 Ew, gross. 483 00:20:37,404 --> 00:20:38,305 Just stop it. 484 00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:39,506 ( chuckles ) 485 00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,008 Ladies, gentlemen... 486 00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,476 Ted. 487 00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:45,745 This has been 488 00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:46,713 a wonderful evening. 489 00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:48,014 I got great dirt on all you guys. 490 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,782 I got Ted to tell the re-return. 491 00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:52,385 I finally nailed Shannon! 492 00:20:52,452 --> 00:20:54,354 Told her I'd call her tomorrow. Yeah, right. 493 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,958 And I rediscovered just how awesomely awesome my life is. 494 00:20:59,025 --> 00:21:00,360 Peace out, hombres! 495 00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,699 I think Barney just won game night. 496 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:09,902 TED: We spend so much effort 497 00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,471 trying to keep parts of our lives hidden, 498 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:13,873 even from our closest friends. 499 00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:17,610 But those rare times when we do open up, 500 00:21:17,677 --> 00:21:19,846 it's amazing how minor those secrets all end up seeming. 501 00:21:19,912 --> 00:21:21,581 * Right? Right? * 502 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,383 * You've got to want * 503 00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:24,551 * To rearrange * 504 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,486 * And keep it off the record * 505 00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:27,520 * Off the record * 506 00:21:27,587 --> 00:21:29,789 * You've got to know... * 507 00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,325 Of course, not every secret was told that night. 508 00:21:32,392 --> 00:21:36,396 But that's getting ahead of the story.